#68 TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY 3D

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Edward Furlong, Linda Hamilton,  Robert Patrick and Joe Morton. Written by James Cameron and William Wisher. Directed by James Cameron. Running time 137 minutes.

Eleven years after the events of Terminator and Skynet is trying it on again by sending another pesky unstoppable cyborg back in time to terminate someone, this time it's 10-year old John Connor (Edward Furlong), rather than his mother Sarah (Linda Hamilton). However Skynet are upping their game by sending not a cybernetic endoskeleton hidden inside the body of a 6' 4" Austrian bodybuilder but prototype, shape-shifting T1000 (Robert Patrick), a liquid metal killing machine and it's up to a reprogrammed T100, Arnie to save the life of the leader of the future human resistance. After that it's a perfect masterclass in action, featuring note-perfect action beat after beat building to a dramatic showdown in a foundary.

Originally released back in 1991, this is a digitally restored, 3D treated release that for some utterly bewildering reason only took a paltry half a million in its opening weekend in the US.

I've not seen this film for a very long time and certainly not on the big screen in well over 20 years and had completely forgotten what a simply superb film this is. The script is tight, the dialogue utterly memorable, I was able to silently whisper each line of the film, so ingrained was it in my psyche. Seeing it again on the big screen in this new digital 4K transfer was a treat, the effects remain surprisingly convincing, but the biggest revelation is the in camera effects and stunts, which in this day and age of cgi remain simply staggering. By god, they fly a helicopter under a bloody bridge!

If you've only ever seen this on your TV and you get a chance, give this a go! It's a staggering and thrilling experience and deserves to be seen up there back on the big screen. Cameron is a consummate action director, perhaps the best we've ever seen and his skill with the camera is perfection and never does he need to resort to shaking his camera like his army of imitators. And despite being well over two hours long, this film never relents, never gives up and just keeps coming. Seriously the time just flew by!

A note perfect and exhilarating 10/10.

#67 AMERICA MADE

Starring Tom Cruise, Sarah Wright and Domhnall Gleeson. Written by Gary Spinelli. Directed by Doug Liman. Budget $ million. Running time 117 minutes.

The rise and fall of an infamous drug and gun runner and based on the true story of Barry Seal (Tom Cruise) who during the 1970s and 80s flew drugs, guns and sensitive information in and out of South American to the Medellin Cartel, the Contras and General Noriega supposedly for the C.I.A., and the White House, all the while struggling to evade the FBI, the DEA and other law enforcement agencies. But as his success and wealth grow, Barry's life slowly starts to unravel endangering all those around him, including his friends and family.

Superbly directed by Doug Liman, and very well acted by an always reliable Tom Cruise, this is an enjoyable and exciting movie which leaves a bitter taste, glorifying as it does a drug smuggler. Cruise is on excellent form and for a change doesn't do any running at all in this film, letting his own skill as a pilot dictate the action. His portrayal of Barry Seal is impressive as we actually come to like this family loving rogue who, at the end of the day, is just a man exploited by his own government and the drug cartels, of course he doesn't help his own cause by being such a greedy bastard. Anyway, there's a hell of a lot of enjoyment to be had from this tale, all helped by Cruise's easy charm. And this is a Cruise film, he's in practically every single scene and he carries it well, although this does also mean that we're left aching to know more about what's happening behind the scenes. The C.I.A's involvement for example, particularly when it takes over Barry's hometown of Mena to build a training camp of the Contras, that's a fascinating snippet but left unsatisfyingly explored, mainly because this film is all about Barry, right down to his self recorded video diary which punctuates the action.

Featuring a great soundtrack and cast. This is a satisfying and very enjoyable film, which frustratingly never really digs any deeper than just the man.

8/10

#66 THE DARK TOWER

Starring Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Taylor and some other twats that will take too long to name check. Written by four writers, four! Can you believe that? I can't. Although I suppose if they all worked together on this pile of festering cinematic shit it does mean it stopped them stinking up the cinema's with three other films, their names are Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, Anders Thomaas Jensen and Nikolaj Arcel. Directed by Nikolaj Arcel. Running time is only 95 minutes, but believe me that doesn't help, it still felt longer than all the Pirates of the Caribbean films put together. Budget $60 million.

The plot. A troubled boy (Tom Taylor) in the 'real world' has visions of a Gunslinger and a man in Black, we discover he has psychic powers called 'Shine'. his dad is dead, his mum has a new partner who doesn't like him and he's in therapy. Luckily he finds a portal in New York city he's dreamed of and ends up in a world where the Man in Black, called Walter (Matthew McConaughey) is trying to destroy a tower at the center of everything by using children with the Shine. Meanwhile there's this gunslinger called Roland (Idris Elba), the last of his kind who wanders around not killing Walter, because he's not allowed, or something. Anyway, when old Walt learns of the boy, I'm sure he had a name but frankly I can't be arsed to look it up, he realises that he is shiny enough to destroy the Tower and so sets off to capture him, while old Rolly and the boy piss off back to Earth for shits and giggles. It looks bad for our heroes, especially since the Gunslinger can't kill the man in black but in the end he does by shooting two bullets, the second of which catches up with the first to send it, ricocheting into the Man in Black and killing him, so the world doesn't end and everything is okay. The end.

Oh, shit I should have said SPOILER ALERT but I forgot, I hope you can forgive me.

Based on seven books written by Stephen King and starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey this had all the ingredients and potential to be a great film, instead what we get is a dreadfully dull slog that despite it's very brief running time feels like a good three hours in length. It features dull, dreary performances, shit CGI and not one iota of excitement, drama or indeed anything of merit. In fact so fucking, mind-numbingly dull was this piece of shit that I nodded off during the final battle and woke up just in time to watch the credits, still I don't think I missed anything. I'm guessing the boy and Roland won.

I've tried reading the books, gave up on the first one. Which is exactly what I'd say about this, although judging from its disastrous box-office performance I doubt there'll be another one. At one point this project was going to be a trilogy directed by Ron Howard. We can only wonder what that could have been like.

If you are given the option of watching this or having your genitals pulped in an industrial accident, I would whole-heartedly recommend the accident.

2/10 (a point each for McConaughey and Elba, who both deserve so much better than this pile of steaming shit).

#65 THE BIG SICK

Starring Kumail Najiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter, Ray Romano, Adeel Akhtar and Anupam Kher. Written by Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani. Directed by Michael Showalter. Budget $5 million. Running time: 124 minutes. Certificate 15.

The 'hilarious' true story of how Kumail (Kumail Najiani) meet his future wife's parents, while his ex-girlfriend Emily lay in a medically induced coma as the hospital struggled to combat a kidney infection that was attacking her.

The film follows lapsed Pakistani Muslim and struggling 'comedian' Kumail, on the cusp of being discovered for the Montreal Comedy Festival, that's when he's not driving for Uber or putting up with his family's desperate attempts to marry him off in a series of 'hilarious' arranged marriage introductions. Kumail is as spineless as he is inept at comedy and utterly unable to confront his parents about his lack of faith, his desires to pursue a career in comedy or indeed his white girlfriend. Similarly he's unable to tell his girlfriend, Emily (Zoe Kazan) about his parents and their desire to marry him off. What follows is an overly long, slow drive of a movie, which while touching and well observed could easily done with being a good 30 minutes shorter, however since this is an Judd Apatow produced movie, the apparent 'comedy' genius behind just unfunny epics as Knocked Up, This is 40 and Wanderlust I suppose we should be grateful it isn't longer.

The relationship between Kumail and Emily is very touching and beautifully played as is the relationship between Kumail and Emily's parents played by Holly Hunter and Ray Romano. And it's this three way relationship that provides the heart of the film's emotional core.

The trouble is that Kumail has this really annoying little smirk on his face through out the entire movie as if he knows he's about to say something really hilarious, but the thing is, he doesn't. Ever. And when we do see some of his set, it's about as funny as well, your girlfriend being placed into a medically induced coma. Anyway the relationship between Kumail and Zoe that develops before the coma is lovely and very well observed.

Although the outcome is never in doubt, the use of real photos at the end of the film gives this a nice little emotional boost. This is a sweet natured but very VERY slow movie that really does try your patience but the destination makes the journey worth while. Just.

8/10

#64 THE HITMAN'S BODYGUARD

Starring Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, Salma Hayek and Elodie Yung. Written by Tom O'Connor. Directed by Patrick Hughes. Running time 118 minutes. Budget $290 million. Cert 15.

Action comedy starring two men for whom charisma comes easy, perhaps all too easy. The film sees Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) a disgraced former triple A graded security agent forced to transport hitman Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) to the International Court of human rights court in the Hague so he can testify against Vladislav Dukhovich (Gary Oldman), the ruthless and bloodthirsty dictator of Belarus, who is on trial for crimes against humanity. Luckily Oldman has a literal army of heavies to throw at killing Darius and Bryce and the film follows the two men as they hack, slash and shoot their way across Europe in a series of boring cars. Along the way, Darius helps Michael repair his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Interpol agent, Amelia Rousse (Élodie Yung), while at the same time reminiscing about his perfect relationship with his incarcerated wife, Sonia Kincaid (Salma Hayek) who just so happens to be as equally lethal as her husband.

And that's it for the plot, after that, the two men who start out as enemies, before discovering some salient home truths about themselves, thus enabling them to become better people and then finally best pals as 10,000 heavily armed men are horrifically butchered, slaughtered and tortured.

This is a very sweary, very violent buddy movie which was actually rather fun. Not the greatest film ever made, but the two leads and Salma Hayek make it a thoroughly enjoyable romp through some splendid European locations including Amsterdam. This isn't big, it certainly isn't clever and it's neither fresh nor original, however it's a Ronsil action movie and it doesn't try and be anything else.

And I'm a sucker big stupid action films.

With some great stunts, some good gags and besides it's got Samuel L. Jackson in it! Only marred by an unnecessary third action beat that just feels too much particularly as it features a bomb packed truck crashing through crowds and exploding outside a building.

7/10

#62 ATOMIC BLONDE

Starring Charlize Theron, James McAvoy,  John Goodman, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Sofia Boutella and James Faulkner. Written by Kurt Johnstad (based on the graphic novel The Coldest City by Antony Johnston and Sam Hart). Directed by David Leitch. Running time: 115 minutes. Budget $30 million.

The plot sees Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton running round East and West Berlin, willy-nilly in those heady, pre-collapse days of 1989 in the company of ‘gone native’ MI6 agent David Percival (James McAvoy) in search of yet another list of every single allied agent in the world, e-VER, which has been hidden in a mirco dot hidden inside a watch that was worn by her now-dead lover, James Gasciogne who was killed by the KGB. Now everybody on both sides of the wall wants that list and are willing to beat, bribe, bully, bludgeon or just plain kill anyone who gets in their way. But Lorraine has more reason that most, she wants revenge and find the mole in MI6 who’s been leaking classified secrets to the enemy.

After that it’s a dizzying sprint through the streets of Berlin accompanied by a smorgasbord of classic 80s hits as our blonde bombshell dispatches anyone and everyone, be it by fist, foot, high-heeled stiletto, pistol or snog. And the good news is, if you’ve seen the trailer than you’ve not seen the whole film, just most of it!

This is a stylish and exceedingly well fight-choreographed orgy of violence and style over content, that is sadly undone by its utterly poe-faced lead, who cracks a smile only once throughout the whole thing. Now, I wasn’t expecting a laugh riot, but a sense of humour, even a black one, would have made this a much more enjoyable romp, as would giving us, the audience, a little bit more to work with. All the way through this we get the sense that Lorraine is 4 steps ahead of us and everyone else for that matter and after a while that becomes a little tedious and you soon find yourself just coasting along waiting for the next bone jarring fight or car chase, which oddly enough isn’t that often. Although the highlight of which is a blistering ‘one-shot, one take’ stairwell fight between Charlize and at least 4 KGB agents that is simply, and staggeringly superb.

The film barrels along, ticking off all the spy film bingo boxes and never missing a beat as we discover who the mole, codenamed Satchel really is. Although by the end of this you might, like me, be a bit confused. Theron is excellent, this is obviously a project she was very committed to, in fact all the cast are great, although poor old Sofia Boutella perhaps deserved better.

And yet oddly enough despite a kick-ass premise, some superb action and fight scenes, some raunchy moments and some great violence, this never really went off for me. It was alright but I never really engaged with it.

I was hoping for more, maybe the beginning of a female John Wick franchise and maybe that was my downfall because ultimately this was intended to be more, a mix of the classic spy drama, like Tinker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy and Bourne, but without the vomit-inducing shaky-cam bollox. It's directed by David Leitch, who was the uncredited co-directed John Wick and he's clearly showing he has an extraordinary talent for hi-octane, hard-hitting action flicks and long may he reign!

The trailer promised far more than the end product could deliver but this was still an entertaining and satisfying action romp and proves that Charlize Theron is one kick-ass action heroine!

7/10