#20: OPERATION MINCEMEAT

 

Starring Colin Firth, Matthew Macfadyen, Kelly Macdonald, PenelopeWilton, Johnny Flynn, Jason Isaacs, Simon Russell Beale. Written by Michelle Ashford, directed by John Madden. Running time 128 minutes.

Based on the book of the same title written by Ben Macintrye, this is a recounting of an actual World War II operation carried out by British Military Intelligence back in 1943 when Operation Mincemeat was launched to convince the Germans that the Brits were going to invade Greece rather than Sicily. To do this, a super secret agency called Department 20, operated from Room 13 and lead by Ewen Montagu (Colin Firth) and Charles Cholmondeley (Matthew Macfadyen) are ably aided by Jean Leslie (Kelly Macdonald), Hester Leggett (Penelope Wilton) and Ian Fleming (Johnny Flynn) to concoct a deception involving a corpse and a briefcase packed full of false intelligence reports that they need to fall in the hands of Hitler and the Nazis.

The film follows the mission from its inception to its conclusion, focusing on the meticulous planning at every step of the way. Matters are complicated by a very chaste three way romance, or misunderstanding between Ewen, Charles and Jean, while Admiral John Godfrey (Jason Issac) pops up to sow seeds of suspicion and voice his ire at the plan which he believes is a waste of time. Ratcheting up the tension, is the looming date of the invasion and the fact that the lives of literally tens of thousands of soldiers hang in the balance. The cast is, as you would expect all excellent, and this is a masterclass in restrained English acting, the locations and set designs are good and CGI is used sparingly and well. 

A slow-moving and involving film, which while not leaving me dizzy with excitement was nevertheless engrossing and entertaining.

8/10 

#19: THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT

 

Starring Nicholas Cage, Pedro Pascal, Sharon Horgan, Tiffany Haddish, Neil Patrick Harris. Written by Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten, directed by Tom Gormican. $30 million. Running time 107 minutes.

Nicholas Cage plays Nicholas Cage in this genuinely very funny and enjoyable uber-meta comedy action adventure. The film sees the fictitious, down on his luck, Nicholas Cage lose out on a big role and grudgingly accept a $1,000,000 job to attend the birthday party of a Spanish billionaire Javi Gutierrez (Pedro Pascal) on his private island. 

Initially very reluctant to attend, Cage is genuinely won over by Javi who turns out to be a passionate film lover and Nicholas Cage's number one fan. They bond over their love of The Cabinet of Dr. Calgary and Paddington Bear 2 and after one fantastically funny drug-fuelled day-out the two become BFFs! That is until Cage is abducted by two CIA agents who inform him that Javi is actually the head of an international drug cartel, who's abducted the daughter of a Catalonian presidential candidate, and so Cage agrees to help them rescue her. 

What follows is a bloody, laugh-out-loud, funny film that succeeds entirely thanks to the wonderful bro-mance between Cage and Pascal, their chemistry is an utter delight and they rift and bounce off each other beautifully. The proceedings are also enhanced not only by the appearance of the Wild at Heart Nicholas Cage who turns up throughout the proceedings to bully the older Cage and snog him when necessary, but also the countless gags and references to Cage's fabulous oeuvre from Mandy to The Rock to name but two! 

Sadly the film comes slightly undone in the third act when it takes a trip into the all-too-familiar action adventure territory, but only because we already know the outcome of the film and it feels more like studio interference that doesn't really match the proceedings. 

Thoroughly entertaining and genuinely funny. You'll come for Cage but stay for the double act of Cage and Pascal. 

8/10

#18: THE LOST CITY

 

Starring Channing Tatum, Sandra Bullock, Daniel Radcliffe and Brad Pitt. Written by Oren Uziel, Dana Fox, Adam Nee and Aaron Nee. Directed by Adam Nee and Aaron Nee. 112 minutes. $68-$74 million budget.

The plot, which took four people to write, sees grieving author of romance novels, and her super handsome, but slightly dumb, cover model get kidnapped by an ultra-rich baddie, escape and then traipse across a tropical island on the trail of ancient treasure. Aaaand that's it.

With Tatam as the cover model, Bullock as the author and Radcliffe as the villain, this is a 21st Century retelling of the vastly superior 1984 Romancing the Stone with Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas.

The Lost City is quite funny and utterly inoffensive. You'll smile, chortle, and laugh, especially when Brad Pitt arrives to steal the movie from absolutely everyone. Stay for the post credit sting if you want full closure on that particular story thread.

BTW, I thought Daniel Radcliffe was rather good in this, he's finally lost that awkward acting style of his and now seems very relaxed in his roles, and he was good as the baddy, actually everyone was good at their jobs in this, from an acting point of view. The rest of it, the direction and storytelling was okay, nothing fantastic, or special, just run of the mill. This reminded me of the inferior Netflix film Red Notice starring Ryan Renyolds, Gal Gadot, and Dwyane 'The Rock' Johnson which too involved chasing around tropical locations, avoiding baddies in search of treasure, likewise the really much, much worse Unchartered. In contrast The Lost City wasn't nearly as Meh or bland as the former or as utterly shit as the later and was, in contrast quite funny and enjoyable.

I just wish it had been funnier and more frothy, say like the trailer. Beyond that. I have nothing more to add. It didn't fill me with rage or bile, and I quite liked it. 

So, why waste any more time. This gets a 6/10

#17: THE NORTHMAN

 

Starring Alexander Skarsgård, Nicole Kidman, Claes Bang, Anya Taylor-Joy, Ethan Hawke, Björk and Willem Dafoe. Written by Sjon and Robert Eggers. 137 minutes long. Budget $70-90 million.

I stumbled from the cinema after this with my son, both of us numb, dazed and suffering from PTSD, having just sat one of the most staggering films I have ever seen. 

Who would have thought that a remake of the 1958 movie The Vikings starring Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis, Janet Leigh and Ernest Borgnine would been this good?

It looks like no other film I have ever seen, its scope, its presentation, its camera, its direction, its look, its soundtrack, its cast, in fact ever single thing about this film is devastating. 

The plot sees a young Viking Prince Amleth witness the death of his father (Ethan Hawke), and the abduction of his mother (Nicole Kidman) at the hands of his Uncle Fjölnir the Brotherless (Claes Bang). Amleth manages to escape the slaughter swearing that one day he will return to revenge his father, rescue his mother and reclaim his throne. Cut to 'Years Later' and Amleth has grown up to become Alexander Skarsgård a rage and hate-filled uber-viking adonis able to pluck spears from the air in mid-flight, to climb any obstacle and slaughter without thought anyone stupid enough to get in his way. He has become utterly consumed by hate and his desire for revenge.

When Amleth learns that Uncle has lost his father's kingdom and now rules a small fiefdom on Iceland, he disguises himself as a slave bound for that icy island and sets off for his bloody revenge. Along the way he aligns himself with Olga of the Birch Forest (Anya Taylor-Joy) who too wants revenge for her abduction and together they wreck a terrible revenge on those who have wronged them. But it's through Olga that Amleth begins to feel human again and the magnitude of his revenge finally becomes apparent.  

This is a stunning looking film, shot in locations that seem almost other worldly, only the cast grounds this to the real world, and be warned, this is a world red in tooth and claw. Indeed, I've not seen a film this violent and brutal in a very long time, there are sequences that are savage and deeply unsettling. It paints a world of vicious brutality, where magic exists, where blind-witches appear in burned out churches or live in secret caves proclaiming prophecies, and where undead guardians of magical swords lie in slumber for our hero, and yet despite all of that this film never feels anything other that real.

It's a film so unlike yer typical Hollywood movie, it's impressive that Eggers was able to raise the money to make it, and it's obvious that the cast had the utmost faith in their director and his singular vision.

For me, the only thing that marred the movie was its length, I wish it had been a little shorter but regardless, and despite the unrelenting savage violence, this is a moving and unique story unlike anything you've seen before and it'll make for a powerful and unforgettable night out.

9/10  

#16: THE FANTASTIC SECRET BREASTS OF DUMBLEDORE

 

Starring Eddie Redmayne, Jude Law, Mads Mikkelsen, Ezra Miller, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Callum Turner, Jessica Williams, Katherine Waterston. Written by J.K. Rowling and Steve Kloves. Directed by David Yates. 142 minutes long. Budget $200 million! 

Is this it? Is it over now? Or are there more movies to come? Surely three is enough? Surely we've been punished enough? 

Right, before we get started. I LOVED the Harry Potter films. Alas the same could not be said about the the Fantastic Breasts franchise. The first one was okay, except for Edgar Rednappy, whose acting style I find deeply irritating, it's the whole head-tilt, wet-eyed and whispering shtick I hate. That said, He wasn't so annoying in this outing, perhaps because he wasn't in it too much, and already this film get a point!

Now I disliked the last effort: The Crimes of Mr. Grimsdale, giving it just a 4/10. It was loud, annoying and the third act was a mess. Also it had Johnny Dumpp in it and I'm not a fan of his, no sir. 

So I went into this one warily, indeed it's only because 3/4ths of the family wanted to go that I grudgingly went. So what's it about I hear you ask. 

What a good question. Now pay attention because the plot is vast, epic, complicated and labyrinthine in scope, scale and complexity. I shit you not. 

Okay, so, Colin Farrell who was Grimesdale in the first Breasts movie turned out to be Johnny Dumpp in the second movie, and now it's the turn of Mads Mikkelsen to play him in this one, just to confuse all those people who've not thought about this series since the last effort back in 2018, over four years ago. 

So, he's very bad, Grimesdale, but not as bad as Lord Voltarol was in the Potter films. And half the magic population love him and the other half don't. He had this thing going with Dumbledore when they were younger, which is important for later on. In Germany the ministry of magic declare that Grimesdale can stand as leader of the magic kingdom in a forthcoming election and this is bad, apparently. Oh and there's this funny scaly deer creature that's very important cos it can smell evil or sense it, or something.
So Newt, Edward Breadsnack is sent to capture it, which he sort of does. Then lots of stuff happens and so Dumbledore gets the band back together again, recruiting Muggle pastry wizard Jacob Kowalski (Ben Fogler), Newt's brother (Callum Turner), Porpentina Esther "Tina" Goldstein (Katherine Waterston), and some other people for a sort of Ocean's 11 style adventure as each of the group team up for never specified missions that all culminate in the third act showdown where everything is explained and the film ends.

 
The version I saw was gloomy, murky, and looked dark, it lacked the colour and vibrance of the Potter films.

The worst thing about the film is the ending, which feels like it might be the concluding part but does leave a noticeable question hanging about two of the characters, so I don't know if this film ends the saga or if it's the Empire Strikes Back of the Fantastic Breasts series and there's more to come. 

Who knows if the fans will warm to this or not, it's better than the last effort, but that's not saying much. Jude Law was good, but then he's always, as was Mads Mikkelsen, and the rest of the cast, with the exception of Egbert Freddrain all seemed to give it their all. There's some good CGI effects, apart from the crowd scenes, and the magical battles, especially the one with Dumbledore versus The Flash look good.

And that's about it. Not magical, not awful, as good as the first, better than the second and just not as good as the Harry Potters.

7/10

#15: AMBULANCE

 

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II and Eiza Gonzalez. Screenplay by Chris Fedak, based on Ambulancen by Laurits Much-Petersen and Lars Andreas Pedersen. Directed by Michael Bay. $40 million budget. Running time: 136 minutes.

Typical. You wait ages to see a film about two brothers coming into conflict and then two turn up in the same day. 

The first was Morbius. This was the second, selected because the trailer had looked fun. And besides I could walk out of the first, cross over the hallway in the cinema and sit down half way through the adverts for this.

136 minutes later, I stumble from the cinema, screaming "MEDIC!", numb and shell-shocked, my ears ringing from the endless bursts of gunfire, huge explosions, and countless hi-octane super-car crashes, and feeling queazy from the gravity-defying, relentless drone-aided camera moves that screams "This is a MICHAEL BAY MOVIE!!!!"

The plot sees two brothers, one adopted, the sons of a legendary psychotic bank robber, who grown up to be on both sides of the tracks, one, Yahya is an ex-marine needs money for his wife's experimental surgery, the other is Jake, a chip off the old block of his dad and a bank robber with over 38 successful heists; who convinces his ex-marine brother to join him and his crew of bad-ass bank blaggers on a bank job that'll net them all 36 million dollars! 

Unfortunately, it doesn't go well, thanks to a police ambush which sees the brothers hijack an Ambulance taking a seriously injured policeman to hospital. Cue a non stop car chase that gets bigger, badder and madder the longer this nitro-fuelled movie goes on!

This has a great cast, looks good and up to a point, is good. Bay knows, better than most, how to mount an action sequence. Add to that some truly impressive in camera moves and tricks and you're in from a relentless ride. I thoroughly enjoyed this until the third act when the film switches gear and introduces a new force to the movie which leaves an ugly taste in the mouth and turns the film into something it wasn't previously. Ignoring some plot holes and too many questions, this was an exhilarating ride that smashed the stale taste of Morbius out of my mind.

7/10

#14: MORIBUND

 

Snoring Jared Leto, Matt Smith, Adria Arjona, Jared Harris Al Madrigal and Tyrese Gibson. 'Written' by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. 'Directed' by Daniel Espinosa. Budget $83 million dollars. Tedium time: 104 minutes.

Typical. Just like buses, you wait ages for a film starring someone called Jared to turn up and then one turns up with two of them!

One Jared is Jared Leto as the titular hero, Micheal Morbius - a super genius generic scientist who creates an artificial blood substitute. The other is Jared Harris as Dr. Nicholas, benevolent father-figure, and mentor and the character you just know will have to die to motivate our hero at sometime later on in the film. So, anyway, Michael, never Mike, and his absolute bestest friend in the whole wide world, Milo (Matt Smith) who have been BBFs ever since they were kids and first met in the same Greek hospital where they had to suffer thrice-daily blood transfusions for a mysterious blood disease that Morbius vows he will one day cure. It's good to know that two characters who love each other like brothers are going to be friends for life and not, you know, suffer a schism that sees one of them become the other's worstest enemy- E-VER!!!!!

ANYWAY! Cut to 25 years later where the boy Morbius has grown up to be the Oscar winning, method-actor and musician Jared Leto who is apparently so 'method' that according to Wikipedia - 'he often remains completely in character for the duration of shooting schedules of his films, even to the point of adversely affecting his health." 

Meanwhile, his BFF, Milo has grown up to become Matt Smith, a self-made billionaire, who funds Morbius's research. And that's all the motivation you need for these two.

Then, through his own staggering stupidity, Morbius decides to splice vampire bat DNA into his own in an attempt to cure his disease. 

SPOILER ALERT! 

It doesn't.

Instead it transforms him into a vampire bat, but luckily (for him) because this is an utterly generic super hero movie, that doesn't mean he shrinks to the size of a mouse, grows crappy little wings, and hangs from the roof of a cave depositing large amounts of guano on the ground beneath him while squeaking and eating moths. No it means, he becomes super fast, can fly, has super strength, control bats and can echo-detect, you know, just like bats. It also surprisingly leaves him dumping guano everywhere. See, told you Leto was a method actor. Oh, and he's now developed a terrible lust for blood that sees him kill a literal boat load of mercenaries he hired for some undisclosed reason. This leaves him feeling a bit guilty and so he leaves his lab assistant behind and runs away to hide in plain sight until he's captured by the police. 

Meanwhile, BBF Milo is rather annoyed when he learns that Michael has found a cure but refuses to share it because you know, side effects and so once BBFs become BEF - Best Enemies Forever and so begins the repetitive back and forth punch ups leading to the deaths of various characters to motivate Michael until the showdown between BEFs and then the obligatory double post credits where a super villain from the Marvel Universe turns up and suggests they team up.

Aaaand that's it. 

At least I think that's what happened. It all takes place at night time, and so it's very murky and I did get bored and sort of lose interest and I finally nodded off, waking up in time to see the truly dreadful final punch-up and post credit guff. 

I've read reviews where people have praised the horror aspect of the film, saying that's where it succeeds, I fell out of love with horror films 40 years ago, burning out on all the stalk and slash films of the 80s, and now whenever I see a loooooong hospital corridor with flickering lights and no other employees I know I'm being taken for a ride, so all the horror tropes and tricks just leave me bored. 

This is Leto second effort at playing a comic book character, and apparently he's very picky about what projects he picks. Hmm, I wonder what his criteria is? His first comic book role was as the Joker in the truly awful Suicide Squad movie although he's a lot better in this than he was in that. 

Sadly though, this is a dull, boring, 'Meh' movie, one that is just utterly predictable and genuinely unmemorable, I mean I actually guessed what the very second line of dialogue in the movie was going to be along with several other lines, so generic was it, and listening to the heavy clunking THUNK of each act falling into place and each plot point arrived just made me more lethargic. You too will recognise the oh-so familiar story beats and tropes this film throws at you, and so perhaps you can have some fun playing movie cliche bingo, to pass the brief, but not brief enough 104 minutes of this film.

4/10