Starring: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Millie Bobby Brown, Ken Watanabe, Charles Dance and loads of other people I frankly can't be arsed to name. Directed, or excreted from his gapping shit hole by Michael Dougherty whose other two films as directer were Trick n Treat and Krampus. Budget an obscene $170 - 200 million. Running time 132 hours of your life you're never getting back, ever. Actually it's only 132 minutes but believe me it'll feel like 132 hours.
The plot sees the fallout of a family breakup following the events of the 2014 Godzilla film when the family lost their son, played out across the entire globe as a grieving mother wreaks havoc on her angry ex-husband after he gave up on her and their teenage daughter to photograph wolves in the wild. The wife, who also happens to be a scientist working for the Monarch group uses a device she created with her ex-husband to awaken all the sleeping Titans so they can remake the world.
Trouble is one of the titans she awakens is the three-headed dragon, Ghidorah and he's not of this Earth and so Godzilla has to fight him, and Rodan and Mothra turns up to, along with a whole slew of brand new monsters who are all shit.
After that, there's some monster smack downs all shot at night time in the rain by a camera man with Parkinson's Disease. All the characters shout cliches and the occasional one liners at each other and Charles Dance turns up to pay the mortgage for a couple of months.
Full disclosure here, I am a card carrying, fully paid up member of the Godzilla Fan club (actually I'm not, but I do love him to bits). I've been excited by this film for months and stupidly declared it would be the film of the summer. Oh how wrong I was.
So, how do I feel? Well, thank you for asking, I'll tell you.
I am literally incandescent with unbridled rage, I'm trembling with rage, my ears are ringing, I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and then stomped on before being shat on and then covered in an absolute fountain of stale urine.How can you make such a bad film? Seriously? I sat through the credits, there are literally hundreds of people who worked on this cinematic excrement, men and women who spent years of their lives, they must have known, they must have had some inkling that they were all contributing to the actual death of civilisation.
This is one of the laziest films I have seen in a long time. Our star, the one after whom this abomination is named doesn't even appear for at least the first 10 hours, actually i don't know how long this film was, but I'm fairly sure I've been gone for a few days now.
For all it's many, many faults I stupidly loved the first Godzilla film, I mean the one from 2014, not the one from 1954, although I love that one too. But the recent one from Hollywood, I know it's shit but I do love it. In fact I love it in the exact opposite way in which I truly detest and hate this new film.
So much do I hate G:KOTM that I have decided it never happened and I will never watch it or think about it ever again.
There is nothing to recommend this film to anyone, even ardent Godzilla fans like myself. Actually there is, it's near the end and it's the use of the iconic Godzilla march, that had me cheering and whooping, but the rest of it just blows huge chunks of steaming bile.
And that's it. This was a huge pile of stinking monster shit, it has nothing good to recommend it and I expect it to crash and burn at the US boxoffice but do well in the Japanese one. Save your money and go back and rewatch Avengers Endgame, or better yet go and see Booksmart.
1/10
