#106: WILDWOOD

 

STARRING VOCAL TALENTS OF: Carey Mulligan, Peyton Elizabeth Lee, Jacob Tremblay, Richard E. Grant, Awkwafina, Amandia Stenberg, Tom Waits, Charlie Day, Blythe Danner, Arthur Knight, Angela Bassett and Mahershala Ali. Screenplay by Chris Butler. Based on the book, Wildwood by Colin Meloy and Carson Ellis. Directed by Travis Knight. Budget $100 million. Running time 132 minutes. 

This is the latest release from the exceptional Laika studio the stop-motion animation masters behind Coraline, ParaNorman, The Box Trolls, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Missing Link. It was 16 years and 100 million dollars in the making and for once you can see each of 504,911,232 seconds and every single cent up there on the screen, this film is a magnificent visual masterpiece of such exceptional breath-taking artistry that it constantly takes you out of the film itself as you gasp and marvel at each and every scene. From the movement of the leaves, to the vast epic crowd scenes, the exquisite detail in the background of Oregon wilderness and the city. This is a film that shows you just how much better handmade stop-motion animation is to CGI, this is a film that puts to shame each of the generic, seen a million times before CGI movies, screened during the trailers. This is a film that shows you just how much better something created by humans is compared to pixels moved on a screen. This has a weight, a momentum, a sense of physicality that elevates it to a whole different level. And I marvelled at every scene. 

The story, which borrows liberally from Labyrinth, Time Bandits, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Hitchcock's The Birds, and The Faraway Tree, sees the young brother of 13 year-old Prue McKeel (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) kidnapped by crows and taken to the dark forest on the orders of the Dowager Governess Alexandra (Carey Mulligan), an exiled, once loved ruler, who used witchcraft and dark magic to bring her dead son back to life and now wants to sacrifice Prue's baby brother to the  Ivy that strangles the forest to bring him back to life again, even it it will mean the destruction of the whole forrest. Through a series of incidents only found in movies, fellow 13 year-old nerd, Jacob Tremblay (Curtis Mehlberg) gets literally dragged into the deep dark forrest along side Prue on a rescue mission and discovers the hero inside. 

The wonderful thing about this film is it doesn't explain itself, it doesn't set out the ground rules first, it doesn't provide a huge back story it literally just drops you right into the middle of a fairytale nightmare and expects you to deal with the fallout. The story is big, the characters many and the the sense of jeopardy and drama from the opening scene when a young naked boy plucks out his mechanical heart and falls to his death to the genuinely staggering battle at the end of this 2 hour and 12 minute masterpiece is sublime. 

In fact so extraordinary is the visual look and feel of this film that it actually robbed it of a point, the trouble is, it's so goddam beautiful that you keep stopping to gasp at what's on show. 

That said, I bloody loved this film and it made me realise that so far Laika has yet to make a shit film, their outré is peerless and reminded me of the golden age of Pixar before Disney turned it into a factory. 

I hope to god that Laika continues to make films as wonderous as this, it truly needs to be seen at the cinema and I urge you to see it before its damned to a life on streaming where you'll lose the sheer wonder and scope of the whole thing. 

9/10

#105: STREET FIGHTER

 

STARRING: Noah Centineo, Andrew Koji, Callina Llang, Joe Anoa, David Dastmalchian and some other people, frankly I can't be arsed to name them all, there's too many of them. Written (that's a laugh, right there) by T.J. Fixman and Kitao Sakurai. Directed by Kitao Sakurai. Budget $82 million. Running time 120 minutes.

The plot. There are these two brothers, both orphans raised by this bloke who trains them to be fighters. Then one of them awakens a demon during a fight tournament, the demon goes on to kill the father figure. the two brothers, split up and one goes missing, the one who awakened the demon. Then 6 years later there's this bloke called Bison (David Dastmalchian) who's trying to harness psycho power so he can be big and evil. So he puts on the same fight tournament that awakened the demon and invites only 8 of the world's best fighters, two of which happen to be the brothers. Then they meet for the tournament and shit happens, and there's fighting and stuff. Then Jason Mamoa as a green skinned creature arrives near the end, then the demon and one of the brothers fight, then the demon is defeated and Bison kidnaps him and runs away so the two brothers team up with this girl who's an interpol agent and some of the other defeated fighters from the tournament go off in a car to find them leaving the film to end on a motherfucking cliffhanger. 

What the actual motherfucking what? What a huge slap in the fucking face this film was, just a real kick to the batteries, how dare this film that robbed 2 fucking hours of my life, not counting the sodding adverts and trailers, oh and the walk to and back from the cinema have the sheer naked nerve to end with a fucking cliffhanger! Because believe me, The Empire Strikes Back this most certainly isn't. 

What this is is the fourth film in a year based on a video game and the second on a fighting game, the first being the excremable Mortal Kombat, which this is marginally better than, but just. In fact it's saved by having some simply superb anime and David Dastmalchian who seems to be having the time of his life playing Bison the baddy. The same could not be said of the rest of the cast, I don't know who they were, who they played or what the fuck was going on. I recognised a couple, there was Fifty Cent and Jason Mamoa for sure and I think I recognised one of the brothers, Andrew Koji, but the rest, not one iota of a fuck could I care less to know. 

This film was overly loud, overly bombastic, overly saturated and overly long, dear god you feel each and every second of it. Oddly enough this starts off strongly, the anime sequences are good, well mounted and dynamic and in fact if it weren't for those this would struggle to make a 2/10. it's also played solely for laughs and at time bordered on being a panto. Visually for the first 30 minutes or so this looked great the over saturated colours worked well to create the illusion of if not a video game well then a live action anime, the fights were for the most part okay, but the dialogue was all shouty and trope ridden and repetitive, the acting is OTT to the Nth degree and by the end of it you're just bombarded into submission, it's all just so goddam tedious, for a long time this was safely in the 6/10 camp but as it dragged on and on and on and on, my patience was tested by by the time it ends not with a full stop but an out-and-out cliffhanger I was well and truly pissed off with it. 

Given the choice between this and Mortal Kombat I'd opt for this, the bums are nicer. 

3/10

#104: CLAYFACE

 

STARRING: Tom Rhys Harries, Naomi Ackie, David Dencik, Max Minghella and Eddie Marsan. Screenplay by Mike Flanagan and Hossein Amini. Directed by James Watkins. Budget $44 million. Running time 108 minutes.

Hang on, didn't the makers of Clayface get the memo? Did no one tell them that these sort of films have to be as shit as Blue Beetle, Shazam, Wonder Woman 1984, Morbius, Madame Webb or god forbid John Kraven The Hunter? What were they thinking? Because against all expectations this was actually rather good! A horror-based origin story for Clayface, a pretty ludicrous Bat Man villain who has the ability to morph into anybody.

The plot sees stupidly handsome and wholesome Gotham actor, Matt Hagen (Tom Rhys Harries) horrifically disfigured and mutilated by crime lord Markos Szabo (David Dencik) after Matt sleeps with Szabo's girlfriend Mia Torrez (Joana Ribeiro). A rigged courtcase sees his life and reputation further ruined as he loses his agent, his mansion, his wealth and his future. A series of terrible botched surgeries only make matters worse and before long Matt's back in living in his old Gotham City slum apartment with only cockroaches the sizes of fists for friends. Then one day he stumbles across a magazine article about Caitlyn Corr (Naomi Ackie) a pioneering doctor experimenting with nanite technology to rebuild damaged tissue. The initial treatment is a huge success and Matt briefly regains his fame, but when his body starts to reject the nanites, he does the only thing anyone in his position would do, he overdoses on Corr's only stock of the stuff and is cured. It turns out the nanites react to his mental state of mind and when that slowly begins to unravel the true extent of his new found abilities are revealed. And it's not long before Matt is off on a murderous revenge spree against all those who wronged him. And that's about it for the plot.

This was a surprisingly enjoyable and well made horror romp, with good performances, some truly gross-out special effects and some good and grizzly deaths. It didn't outstay its welcome, it didn't have too many plot holes and the whole thing had a fiesty, grim feel to it. Most satisfying, surprisingly so.

8/10

#103: GHOSTS: THE POSSESSION OF BUTTON HOUSE

 

STARRING: Charlotte Ritchie, Kiell Smith-Bynoe, Lolly Adefope, Mathew Bayanton, Simon Farnaby, Martha Howe-Douglas, Jim Howick, Laurence Rickard, Ben Willbond, Scott Ellis Watson,. Written by Mathew Baynoton, Simon Farnaby, Martha Howe-Douglas, Jim Howick, Laurence Rickard and Ben Willbond. Directed by Simon Hynd. Running time 97 minutes.

There's a great tradition of British Sitcoms getting movies and changing the situation, so for example, Porridge took Fletcher and Godber out of Slade prison, in Are You Being Served, the staff of Grace Brothers went off on holiday to Costa Plonker and in Holiday on the Buses, Stan and Jack lost their jobs as bus drivers to become bus drivers for a holiday camp, surely the most perfect example of a busman's holiday? Modern times saw The Inbetweeners, Absolutely Fabulous and Bad Education all leave their 'situations' for pastures green, and now to that august group can be added, Ghosts: The Possession of Button House. More or less.

The plot set just nine months after the events of the very last episode of the TV show, sees Button House in sad disrepair, the developer's dream of converting the run-down house into a hotel and golf resort seemingly abandoned, much to the chargin of the ghosts. Things go from bad to worse when a group of eco activities turn up taking up residence in the woods and demanding that the hotel/golf course plan be cancelled for good forcing the ghosts to take action. Convinced that only Alison and Mike can help the Ghosts are offered an opportunity to seek their help when a gang of teenagers break into Button house one night to hold a seance resulting in Julian (Simon Farnaby) possessing the body of teenage orphan called Jack (Scott Ellis Watson) and at last the Ghosts have found a way to leave the confines of Button House! What follows is a glorious delightful, charming and lovely comedy that never fails to cause mirth in its wake as first Julian and then the other ghosts all find a way to escape the house to aid in the mission. A mission made much desperate when it's revealed one of the eco warriors is actually an professional arsonist with orders to burn down the house so a corrupt politician can build an airfield. Then there's just the matter of Alison and Mike being accused of child kidnappers and a massive police hunt to contend with.

Some films don't need to be analysed or discussed to the Nth degree and can just be watched and enjoyed as they are, undissected and such is the case with this wonderful little gem of a movie. With a good natured soul, a seemingly endless supply of jolly japes and gags and offering no cringey afterlife lessons, no fake American sentimentality just a bigger canvas to play for the cast of ghosts, who are also the writers of this splendid little British comedy that wouldn't be out of place in an afternoon of Ealing Comedies. 

8/10

     

#102: DIGGER

 

STARRING: Tom Cruise, Riz Ahmed, John Goodman, Sandra Huller, Michael Stuhlbarg and Jesse Plemons. Screenplay by Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolas Giacobone and Sabina Berman. Directed by Alejandro G. Iñárritu. Budget $180 million. Running time 129 minutes. 

Digger, Digger, Digger. You magnificent, outrageous, deranged, bi-polar bastard. You teased and played with my emotions for over two hours, you had me loving you, delighted by your outlandish antics, then bewildered by your coquettish teasing, then frustrated and then ultimately bemused and emotionally sated by your final trick. 

I can't really synopsise this without spoiling it for you, kind and lovely reader. So, in broad strokes, tycoon Digger (Tom Cruise) the richest man in the world, beloved by President Compson, (John Goodman) and his entourage of lackys and boot lickers who agree with everything he says and demands. Digger is an elderly oil man, like his daddy and his daddy's daddy before him. He's utterly greed obsessed and orientated, he knows everything about everything, he's always right and if he's wrong it's someone else's mistake. He lives in a magnificent and insanely opulent stately home, which might be in Scotland, or not. The only object of love in his life is Maggie, his, barely alive,  30 year-old cat, who he spoon feeds with tinned fish from the tip of his pinky fingernail. We meet him as he awakens on the worst day of his life, indeed the worst day of the entire world's life as we're about to discover. You see, Digger's men are drilling for oil in Greenland and pulling out a million barrels of oil out of it every day, that is until a huge undersea pocket of methane gas explodes severing an ice shelf the size of Maryland and sending it careering  towards Norway. Rather than warning the world, Digger warns the President and initiates an information firewall which scrubs any mention of the impending disaster from the internet. Then despite the advice of Digger's Environmental safety officer, Dr. Nirav Ganesh (Riz Ahmed) the President, who's dying from 'arsehole cancer', decides to do nothing, hoping the berg will somehow avoid Northern Europe and instead head-off into the Atlantic Ocean where it'll melt. But it doesn't, instead it, the iceberg, smashes into Northern Europe causing a huge tidal wave that floods Europe causing the worst environmental disaster of all times. And then the shit really hits the fan. 

And that's the plot, without spoiling anything.

Although, there's more at play here and the film pulls the rug on you in the most unexpected way and reveals itself to be something altogether different. For a while there was a rumour that this was a musical, well rest assured, kind reader, it most certainly isn't a musical, but it is playing a trick that will either ultimately win you over or utterly alienate you. For me, I was mostly won over, but also a little disappointed because it left me with more questions than answers.

For the first 30 minutes I was utterly onboard for this remarkable film, it was funny, intense, and Tom Cruise was simply mesmerising! He's in every scene and goddam can that boy act! Weighed down by kilos of make-up and an old-man fat suit, Cruise dominates this film, but not to the detriment of the other actors. Likewise the acting from everybody is top notch, John Goodman channeling little-handed Donald Dump. Riz Ahmed, the only nice character in the whole thing, Sandra Huller playing Digger's daughter and right down to the lowliest bit part character, and yet there's something strange going on, the actors all 'act', and don't seem to mind if we notice. Although there are clues littered throughout as to what the bigger picture here might be. 

Then there's soundtrack that grates and niggles with its strangely discordant tonal sounds, which helps to enhance the experience. Alejandro G. Iñárritu directs this with vision and guile, he has a vision and he knows what he wants to say and boy does he say it. I've only seen two of his other films, The Revenant, which I found hard work and deeply exhausting and Birdman which I loved, in fact, this shares a lot of the same DNA with that. 

Most of the reviews for this film berate it for its gargantuan budget of $180 million, with reviewers complaining that it shouldn't have cost that much, that somehow that's obscene. Well, I disagree them, where were those wanky little tossers when the likes of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Tedium with it's budget of $387 million, or Glad He Ate Her Too at $310 million, or Jurassic World: Deterioration with $465 million, when those clunking, awful films waddled our way, now that's obscene.

This is a film that is impossible to promote or market properly without spoiling it, it's a film that's at one point a grim environmental warning, the next a broad satirical farce, then a comedy and a disaster movie. It's a film I started off loving, delighted and enthralled by both Cruise and Goodman and the outrageousness of the it all, but then my delight dipped dramatically, mostly thanks to the reveal, before I found myself slowly regaining my love for it. Overall, it's fantastically well made, it's well written and it looks great but it's too long and that 'twist' is hard work and it's really going to polarise the audience; in fact already has. In the States its opening weekend haul was just $8 million dollars, so that's already sealed its fate as one of the biggest flops of the year. Also, I don't think audiences are quite ready yet for old man Cruise with his potbelly and receding hairline. 

I would suggest that much like Blade Runner, The Thing, Brazil and many other wonderfully misunderstood films this will ultimately come to be seen as something really rather special in years to come. It's a film I find myself still thinking about a week later and when I talk to people about it I realise it resonated with me far more than I at first realised. Part black comedy, part political satire, part environmental warning and part post apocalyptic science fiction disaster film.

For me this started out as a strong 8/10, but when the 'twist' arrives, the film lost its momentum and dipped to a 6. But, then it started to win me back, thanks to its vision, style, its direction, its passion and ultimately its sheer audacity. You'll never see another film like this, a film so unique and challenging and it ended up scoring, what's sure to be a hotly contended 8/10.

#101: CASINO ROYALE (2006)

 

STARRING: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Jeffrey Wright, Judi Dench, Giancarlo Giannini, Simon Abkarian, Caterina Murino and Jesper Christensen. Screenplay by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and Paul Haggis. Produced by Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli. Music by David Arnold. Directed by Martin Campbell. Running time: 144 minutes. Budget $150 million. Worldwide box office haul $606 million. Originally released in 2006.

The 21st official Eon Production movie in the franchise, the first to feature Daniel Craig as James Bond, the third adaptation of the original source book after the 1967 movie production starring Woody Allen and David Niven and the original TV movie, which featured Barry Nelson as Jimmy Bond - an American P.I. working in Las Vegas - and the second movie to be directed by Martin Campbell. This also heralded in the most financially successful period of Bond movie franchise with the Craig era generating a staggering worldwide box office haul of over $3,957 billion. Casino Royale held the record for highest grossing Bond film until the release of Skyfall six years later, which shattered the record with takings of over a billion dollars.

With a new Bond, Eon decided to something new with the franchise and present him as if he was new to the world of the Double O and just starting out his career as a hired killer for the British Government. Eon decided to bring back Martin Campbell to handle the direction as he'd also launched the Pierce Bronson era back in 1995 with Goldeneye the 17th in the Bond series.

The film sees Bond, pre-credits confirm his status as a Double-O agent by killing two targets before teaming up with MI6 accountant Vespa (Eva Green) and heading off to play poker against international terrorist banker Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), his mission is to bankrupt Le Chiffre, who's using his customers money to bankroll the game. Naturally the film's far more complicated than that, but I'm guessing you've probably already seen this and if you haven't then stop reading this and get yourself down to your nearest Cineworld to see it! It's an absolute hoot and one of the best of the series.

Seen writ large on the big screen gives you a chance to thoroughly enjoy one of the best James Bond films of the series. Daniel Craig is superb in the role, his steely blue eyes nail you to your seat, everything he does is sharp and angry, every move, even the smallest of actions and it gives his performance a power and edge. The dialogue sparks, with not a single cliche or soundbite spoken, you can see, or hear, this has been polished to within an inch of its life, as witnessed by the conversation between him and the excellent Eva Green on the train where he admits his lamb has been skewered and that he sympathises. A Bond film needs a strong villain, and Mads Mikkelsen is simply superb, bringing real threat and menace to the role, that wicker chair torture sequence is brilliant. But what makes this film so good is that we see Bond working as a detective, investigating a series of clues that lead him from a fantastic Parkour race through an African building site to a breath-taking airport chase through Miami airport, he's not just an action man, he's cunning, clever and to see him working like this is the true joy of the film.

I've watched each and every Bond film multiple times and this one ranks as one of my absolute favourites, and I'm not afraid to admit that Daniel Craig is my joint Number One favourite Bond actor alongside Sean Connery and Roger Moore.

A magnificent masterpiece. 10/10

 

#100: FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD A.K.A. FRANKENSTEIN VS BARAGON

 

STARRING: Nick Adams, Kumi Mizuno and Tadao Takashima. Screenplay by Takeshi Kimura. Story by Reuben Bercovitch and Jerry Soh. Based on Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Directed by Ishiro Honda. Running time 89 minutes. Originally released in 1965

As long suffering readers of this blog will know I am a committed and passionate Godzilla fan, damn I love him and the reason for that is this, Frankenstein Conquers the World, or as it's also known, Frankenstein Vs. Baragon. I first fell in love with this movie thanks to one picture featured in  Alan G. Frank's fantastic book, Horror Movies published by Octopus in 1974. I was 11 when I was given it one Christmas and this single image utterly captivated my young imagination and introduced me to the worlds of giant monsters or Kaiju as I later learned they were called and ultimately to Godzilla, who was only mentioned but not shown in the book. When back in August of this year the Barbican announced that Frankenstein Conquers the World was being screened, for the first time in the UK - EV-VER!, as part of their superb Kaiju: All Out Monster Attack season, I couldn't resist. I have been waiting 51 years to see it and my expectations could not have been higher. 

The story starts at the tail end of the war in Europe, when Nazis storm Frankenstein's castle and steal the still-beating heart of his monster and then set off, by submarine to Japan, where they hand it over a waiting Japanese submarine who then transport the chest containing the organ to a research hospital in Hiroshima, on the very day the American drops the world's first atomic bomb. Decades later, research scienitist (Nick Adams) and his attractive assistant (Kumi Mizuno) find a huge fore-headed feral 'waif' feeding off domestic pets and befriend him, alerting the media and shackling him up in a cage. He promptly grows to gigantic proportions and escapes his cage to rampage through the streets of a superb scale model Tokyo before heading off into the wilderness. BUT he's not the only huge monster on the loose, there's also a bat-eared, horn-nosed burrowing beastie by the name of Baragon wrecking havoc too, he's much more destructive and seemingly oblivious to the human lives he ends, not so old Frankie who, despite his rage and size seems to go out of his way not to injure humans, although they don't seem to see the lengths he's going to. Through an amazing series of circumstances these two behemoths finally knock heads in the forests outside Tokyo triggering a massive forest fire and so begins a fight to the death. And that's the plot to this awesome, wonderful, ridiculous and utterly silly film. 

Featuring some genuinely superb model work of Tokyo, the obligatory strange plot jumps and devices only ever seen in Japanese movies, a funky soundtrack mixed with bombastic orchestration, and wonderful 60s fashions and designs. But be warned, this was a deadly serious Toho monster movie, which thanks to its 1960s sensibilities render the film exceedingly funny to today's 'cinema savy post millennial crowd'. The cast, lead by American Nick Adams (who would go on to perfect the pulling up your trousers by the belt school of acting) spends his time in this, pouring chemicals into bottles while frowning, staring into a microscope, while frowning, dating his attractive assistant, while frowning and wearing small hats at a jaunty angle, while frowning. Mostly famous for acting along James Dean and of being Elvis Presley's 'best' friend, Adams went off to Japan to make three movies for Toho, of which Frankenstein was his first, his second and my personal favourite was the Godzilla starring Invasion of The Astro-Monster, and his third and final film Killing Bottle all for Toho and he's simply wonderful in all three, mostly because his American style of acting is in complete contrast to the pantomine of his Japanese co-stars and as such he stands out like a huge wonderful sore thumb, his own over-acting in delightful contrast to his co-stars exaggerated acting styles, imagine a Am-Dram Indiana Jones without the whip.

What made this so wonderful wasn't the American version of the film, which featured a truncated conclusion that ends with a dead Baragon being lifted up triumphantly above his head by Frankie before being thrown into a fiery pit that suddenly opens up at the base of a nearby volcano, before Franky too falls into the inferno seemingly dying in the process.

In complete contrast, the Japanese version ended so spectacularly different and wholly unexpected that I wager you'd not be able to guess what it was in a million years. You see, this time round, after Frankenstein has picked up the dead body of Baragon and hurdled him into the pit of fire that opened up at the base of the volcano a new blood-curdling shriek of rage cries out and Frankenstein turns round to watch as a gigantic octopus lumbers into view and proceeds to launch an all-out, unprovoked, attack on our Frankie. The two tussle violently, with Frank helpfully wrapping the monsters limbs around himself before he's finally pulled off the clifftop and into the sea below far below where the octopus, now in his element, finally overwhelms the giant boy and drags him below the surface to seemingly drown. 

And it's this arrival of this new monster, introduced literally in the final 5 minutes of the film which elevated this from a rather mediocre 2nd tier monster movie barely worthy of a 7/10 into something quite sublime. With no explanation, no introduction, just a shriek and a bang - a new monstrous, un-named, multi-limbed aquatic kaiju just attacks our hero and kills him. The audience who had politely clapped through the Americanized version ending just erupted in sheer delight, and the cheering, laughter and clapping and I among them, thus elevating this to be nothing short of a stone cold classic. 

8/10

#99: THE MATRIX

 

STARRING: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Annie Moss, Hugo Weaving and Joe Pantoliano. Written and directed by The Wachowskis. Produced by Joel Silver. Budget $63 million. Worldwide Box office $473.3 million. Running time 136 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

Originally released in the same year as my daughter was born, this and her are both 27 years old, and both seem to be timeless classics who just get better with age. I've seen it (the film, not my daughter) dozens of times and it never gets old (unlike my daughter who is actually getting older), in fact I saw it (once again the film) on the big screen just two years ago when it was re-released for its 25th Anniversary, whereas I saw my daughter, Lydia just a few weeks ago when she popped round to visit. I love this film, and her, and seeing it, the film, on the big screen was a pure delight, as is seeing my daughter. Love you Lyds. XXX

The story sees Neo (Keanu Reeves) find out he's not in Kansas anymore but in an AI generated CGI world when enigmatic Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) and leather-clad ass-kicker and mistresses of the Bullet Time, Trinity (Carrie-Annie Moss), break him out of his dreamworld where he's lived his life as a human battery, and wake him up in in the 'real world' – a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland so he can eat porridge and do battle with a human-hating computer programme called Mr. Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, that is once he's learned kung-fu. 

What follows is a masterclass in how to do high-concept science fiction fantastically well. That, mixed with genre-defining special effects, some superb fight choreography, a clever script and a kickass soundtrack to boot! The effects, particularly 'bullet-time', which were ground breaking, moved the benchmark and heralded a new era of action tropes and beats for generations to come. This film is filled with iconic action scenes, the brilliant opening with Trinity beating up the coopers, or Neo and Trinity's police raid, just outstanding, as is the final fight between Smith and Neo. Shot through with a sickly green light for the world of The Matrix, each world has its own grungy future noir feel. It's hard to remember now the cinematic and cultural impact The Matrix had on the world back in the day, but it was the hands down the film of the year. Indeed I think it's fair to say it stands shoulder-to-shoulder with Blade Runner in terms of its cultural significance and resonance.

Alas if only this had been left as a 'one and done' movie, but sadly Hollywood smelt dollars, and so unleashed upon the world, not one but two more movies with rapidly declining artistic merit and box office takings as both frantically tried to rebottle lightning but failed. With huge budgets compared to the originator, both sequels groaned under the weight of OTT action scenes and ludicrous special effects that flooded the Uncanny Valley and became quite repetitive and, dare I say, boring, I mean the awful CGI Burley Brawl between Neo and the infinite number of Agent Smiths, just looked stupid. The first sequel Matrix Reloaded did fantastic business but the second one, Revolutions underperformed taking less than the original, and the fourth movie released 18 years later, Matrix Resurrections, crashed and burned spectacularly earning $40 million less than it's $190 million budget. That said, the four film franchise still took over $1,793,712,515 billion dollars worldwide off of a combined budget of $553 million. 

Anyway, this got re-released to celebrate the 30th birthday of Cineworld, well that and the lack of new material, which has seen cinemas releasing a record number of classic movies and long may that trend continue, as it's an utter delight getting to revisit so many classic and 'old' films at the cinema writ large as nature intended.

Now, enough Shilly-shallying, it's time to take the red pill and escape The Matrix. 

10/10  

#98: HOPE

 

STARRING: Hwang Jung-min, Zo In-sung, Jung Ho-yeon, Taylor Russell, Cameron Britton, Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender. Written and directed by Na Hong-Jin. Budget $46 million. Running time 156 minutes.

When the sherif of a rural reason of South Korea, including the coastal town of Hope, gets a call about a mutilated cow it sets off crazy battle for survival across the town into the neighbouring forest for not just the sherif, but his second-in-command and several local hunters when a relentless, seemingly unstoppable monster goes on the motherfucking rampage and just downright massacres the entire town! But that's just the beginning of what's about to be unleashed on the unsuspecting world and audience. 

Bloody hell, but Korean films are wack. This is three films in one and at the end, the first of a proposed trilogy. It's long, and loses momentum between the action beats and there's a lot of chat as characters bicker, argue and generally talk too much. There are far too many characters and the film jumps from one focal point to the next with each scene. One of the main characters owns plot armour so powerful he's able to survive utterly insane amounts of damage with nary a blink, like being thrown through trees and falling from the height of 40 or 50 ft with only a light case of winding.

There are many scenes of chases as the monsters, there's more than one, chase nearly every human we meet in endless scenes of carnage and gore. An infinite supply of guns are used in every scene, despite the fact the monsters seem impervious to them, until it's required they're not. 

Presented in three major sections, the first in the town of Hope is exhilerating! The streets of devastation and carnage is genuinely unsettling and the sherif's fight for survival is fantastic! This sequence is both funny and gory and you'll find yourself laughing with it thanks to some very choice dialogue. The second sequence in the forest as a group of friends and hunters stumble across a crashed alien spacecraft is a visually and audio battering assault that shows us the monsters in all their glory and begins to paint a picture of what's going on. The final sequence is perhaps the weakest and most repetitive and features a death so shocking surprising that the audience I saw this actually gasped in surprise. It's also this portion that laid the ground work and filled in the blanks of what's actually going on and, well, it's a tad disappointing, left as we are with not so much a cliffhanger, but an end of part one. 

There's a fantastic film here if only the writer director Na Hong-Jin had been able to cut this back from it's 2 1/2 hour running time down to something more reasonable like 90 minutes, because there's a lot of filler here, which judging from the walk-outs tried the patience of the audience. 

I'm beginning to realise that I truly love the cinema of the Far East, there's a quality to Japanese and Korean films that I find truly satisfying, they're filled with tropes and dialouge and action beats I'm not used to, which keeps me guessing and on my toes, and that's deeply satisfying. The effects are mostly very impressive, but it's the practical scenes of destruction that really elevate this. And the cast of ordinary Joes and Joans make a welcome from the muscle bound lugs of Hollywood. There's also a satisfying lack of girl bosses saving the day to stick out like a sore thumb, what we have instead is a strong female character in the shape of the sherif's second-in-command who fights just as well and defiantly as the men. 

Anyway, it's a gory, frenzied demented ride, which despite suffering from being far too long was nevertheless utterly saved by the spectacular opening section set in the destroyed town of Hope.

8/10      

#97: AVENGERS: ENDGAME: ENCORE

 

STARRING: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Paul Rudd, Brie Larson, Karen Gillan, Danai Gurira, Benedict Wong, Jon Favreau, Bradley Cooper, Gwyneth Paltrow, Josh Brolin and many, many others like Robert Redford, Michael Douglas, Renne Russo, Bendy-Dick Carrot-Patch, Tilda Swinton and more. Screenplay by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely. Directed by Anthony Russo and Joe Russo. Budget $400 million. Box office $2.79 billion. Running time (original) 181 minutes. Originally released in 2019.

With just over three months to go before the release of Avengers: Doomsday, Disney are releasing this, the highest grossing film of all-times to get us in the mood. A film seemingly rather beloved with a Rotten Tomato score of 91%. It's a film that very satisfyingly concluded Phase 3 of the MCU and was a direct sequel to Avengers: Infinity War, which saw Thanos click his fingers and kill one half of the universe's population. It's also the film that probably marked the high water mark of the super hero genre and the birth of 'Super Hero Fatigue', a phrase so beloved by the critic-arti. 

Avengers: Endgame: Encore starts with the effects of that finger click as half the world's population dies and then follows the surviving members of the Avengers as they head off after Thanos and chop his head off. Then, five years later they set off for a wacky adventure, travelling back through time to gather the Infinity Stones before Thanos, so they reverse Thanos's flick leading to the greatest superhero battle of all times, and one of the most iconic shots ever shot, that of Cap America catching Thor's hammer.

Apparently, to set up Avengers: Doomsday work, the MCU had to go back and recon Endgame adding an additional four and a bit minutes to the already gargantuan running time of 181 minutes just so the conceit of Robert Downey Jr. playing Doctor Von Doom can work, especially since RDJ died at the end of A:E. In all honesty I don't really know if the tinkering has done that much. It looks as if one of the promised 'extra bits' wasn't in the version I saw, so who knows.  

So seven years since I last saw this at the cinema, it's become hard to remember that when the MCU was firing on all cylinders it was a true force to be reckoned with. Phase 3 brought to an end a superb run of films that was royally let down by the absolute dreck that followed in its wake and it's truly disappointing to watch this and know what was to come next. 

I remember really loving Infinity War the first time I saw it, with it's bleak, rather shocking ending and I seem to remember thinking that as good as End Game was it just wasn't as good, too tongue in check at times, too big and too shouty. But it has some truly incredible moments, like Captain America picking up Thor's hammer, that really resonates and had the packed cinema tonight roaring. That final boss fight is still exhilarating, but the multiple endings wears you down. Plus the sheer number of characters, some of whom pop up for one word, like The Wasp, before disappearing becomes a little fan service-esque.

But it was an entertaining enough romp and I found myself enjoying the trip down memory lane. 

What I didn't enjoy was the audience, or at least part of the audience, of young late teen boys who have taken up this deeply annoying game of fake laughing as loud as they can for as long as possible, like a shriek, which in turn trigger other groups of boys to do the same until the film became drowned out by the hateful noise. It finally took one man to slap one of the boys to stop it. Good. 

Anyway, this. An action packed romp, but long oh so bloody long and second time round there's not really anything else new to discover. And the so called new bonus material, well, don't blink. 

8/10 

#96: GODZILLA 2000: MILLENNIUM

 

STARRING: Takehiro Murata, Hiroshi Abe, Naomi Nishida, Mayu Suzuki and Shiro Sano. Written by Hiroshi Kashiwabara and Wataru Mimura. Directed by Takao Okawara. Budget $13 million. Box office $28 million. Running time 107 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

As any regular readers of my blog will know, when it comes to the movies of Godzilla I am utterly blind to his failings, indeed apart from the odd blimp I consider them to be works of near perfection. I've been a fan since I first saw a picture of him in my Octopus book of Science Fiction when I was ten years old and now 52 years later I'm getting to see Godzilla films on the big screen, whenever the Barbican shows them, which brings us to this!

The 24th official Godzilla film and the first of the Millennium era. Made after the 1998 Tri-Star Godzilla movie written and directed by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. G2K:M was the first Toho film in five years and was rushed into production months after the Tri-Star effort, it presented Godzilla as an out-and-out villain, a raging, furious force of nature. The suit (worn by Tsutomu Kitagawa) was based on the 'KingGoji' suit from 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla and features big eyes, massive dorsal fins, pointy little ears, oh and a mouth full of huge fangs. In this film he's actually scary, just the way I like him!   

The plot, not that there's much of one, sees a million(s) year old sunken UFO recovered from the seabed when Godzilla decides its time to do a bit of stomping. Turns out the UFO is here to prepare the Earth for colonisation, while two teams of Godzilla watches try to predict, in one case, his movements while the other camp want to kill him. Queue a series of increasingly destructive engagements leading to one final showdown in the streets of Tokyo between an alien clone of Godzilla and the Big G himself in some utterly apocalyptic destruction. God, I miss the days of men in rubber suits trashing scale models of Tokyo.  

As always Toho try to fill the background or secondary plot with meaningful human characters, in this case two teams of people tracking and chasing Godzilla and as always you somehow come to care for them. But it's not them you come for in a Godzilla film, it's the main event himself and in this he doesn't disappoint. The destruction nicely augmented with CGI is brilliant and the scale perfectly handled. 

This was an exhilarating, rambunctious romp that managed to pull off something truly special by making the Big G actually feel incredibly threatening and scary! In the opening 20 minutes one group of our plucky heroes find themselves literally facing off with Godzilla and you truly feel the scale and the absolute terror an actual encounter with him would ellicit. As always in these Godzilla films you get a real feel for the collateral damage and actual scale of disaster, far more so than with the recent Hollywood films. That said, I can't say this one resonated with me as much as All Out Monster Attack (the second Millennium film), it's a tad too poe-faced for me and a little bit repetitive, but it's still filled with spectacular action set-pieces and scenes or extraordinary destruction. 

This is only the second time that a subtitled version of the film has ever been screened for an audience in this country and the chances of it ever being screened again are slim to say the least. 

A glorious, romp of monster mayhem, masterfully managed by the people who know him best. 

8/10 

#95: RESIDENT EVIL

 

STARRING: Austin Abrams, Zach Cherry, Kali Reis, Paul Walter Hauser. Written by Zach Cregger and Shay Hatten. Directed by Zach Creger. Based on Resident Evil by Capcom. Budget $75 million. Running time 95 minutes. 

Bryan (Austin Abrams) is a medical courier looking to finish for the night and go home to his newly pregnant girlfriend, Michelle (Sara Paxton) and discuss their future, that is until he's given a double fee job to transport a medical freezer bag to Racoon General Hospital and heads off into a snow blizzard where he accidentally runs down an old woman and everything goes wrong in ways so bizarre, so outrageous, so gory and so goddam insane that you'll start questioning your own sanity. 

Austin Abrams is perfect for this film, a nerd, a wimp forced to fight for his life using only skills he's learned from playing video games and at points in the film he finds those skills sorely wanting. 

Directed by Zach Cherry, the genius behind Weapons and Barbarian, who also co-wrote the script for this fantastically gory and exhilarating romp. He manages to honour the mechanics of the game itself with knowing little nods, like Bryan arriving at the hospital at the beginning of the film, filmed from behind, and having to decide whether to turn left or right, or the search of the abandoned farm house for ammo, or the absolutely delightful meta gag of Bryan drinking milk from a bottle and eating cereal straight from a box called 'Life'. Similarly Bryan keeps levelling up his weapons and even finds himself counting his rapidly diminishing meagre ammo, or his constant failure to shot padlocks, then there's the clever use of first person shoot 'em ups, as Bryan searches deserted corridors and sewers. Likewise there's a gorgous 'iris out' scene break where the actual forest slowly engulfs the hero's car as he drives off into the distance. 

This is a film packed with excellent jump scares, which don't telegraph themselves, plus revelations that are sure to cause gasps of horror, they made me gasp. The soundtrack is perfectly suited to the absolute gory bloodbath you're about to experience and never intrudes. And through it all runs a superb, thick vein of comedy that helps to break the spell, and boy do you need it. 

The audience seemed to unite as one, seeking comradeship in shared laughter at the horror unleashed upon them. It was a much need release, as the horror just kept building until the astonishing final boss level showdown at the top of a 28 storey hospital. 

Referencing a slew of famous horror films, like The Thing, Evil Dead, Day of the Dead, and channelling Train to Busan, this powers through the running time furiously and leaves you dazed but never bored, you find yourself rooting for Bryan and hoping he'll somehow managed to survive it all, only time will tell...

Goddam it I loved this, it was a fantastically fun and furious gross-out romp, brilliantly and hilarious gory, with The Thing inspired split-headed creatures and multi-limbed monstrosities, and more tentacles than a Shokushu Goukan. This was a horrific and deranged horror romp that totally nailed the landing and for once didn't bottle it, right down to the insane final shot. 

9/10 

#94: BAD APPLES

 

STARRING: Saoirse Ronan, Eddie Waller, Nina Brown, Jacob Anderson, Rakie Ayola, Robert Emms, Sean Gilder and Kerry Howard. Written by Jess O'Kane, story by Jonatan Etzler and Jess O'Kane. Based on De Oonskade by Rasmus Lindgren. Directed by Jonatan Etzler. Running time 101 minutes.

Primary school treacher, Maria Spencer (Saoirse Ronan) is having a bad old time of it, she's disliked by the parents of her students, the school's Head and staff think she's incompetent, her boyfriend's dumped her, her Scandinavian home is a building site and her life is been made a living hell by one of her 10 year-old students, Danny (Eddie Waller). He's a rage ball and utterly uncontrollable, violently disrupting classes and school outings, defying her and bullying all and sundry. On the verge of an Ofsted visit, Danny pushes fellow student, Pauline (Nia Brown) down a staircase and breaks her arm and he's suspended. When Maria tries to tell Danny's father Josh (Robert Emms) she ends up 'accidentally' kidnapping Danny and locking him in her basement. Over the next six weeks her life is transformed with his disappearance, her class thrives, the parents love her, and even her ex-boyfriend - the schools' deputy Head Sam (Jacob Anderson) sees her in a different light. However, Maria has a second problem student, Pauline (Nina Brown) who's fixated on Maria and blackmails her when she discovers Danny is locked in the basement. The town every man jack of them, save for Josh, thrives now that Danny's missing and things come to a head during a PTA meeting. 

This is Saoirse Ronan's film, she is superb bringing a desperate weariness to her portrayal of Maria, she's a victim of fate, and even the kidnapping isn't what it seems, and yet with Danny now her prisoner a bond develops between the pair of them and we get a glimpse of his life and reasons why he might be so horrible. This is when the film is at its strongest, the connection between her and him is great and offers an intriguing plot point, but this is squandered with the progressively more unhinged Pauline whose antics just cause you to groan in frustration. The film is soon to be revealed to be a black comedy and although laughs are in short supply it does have its moments. 

There are several plot points that seem to offer different routes which are ignored and a major plot hole late in the third act derail the whole thing.

There was a similar film out this year called The Good Boy starring Stephen Graham and Andrea Risenborough which covered a similar set up but with more skill. This can't decide what it is and ultimately leaves you feeling a little flat.

7/10  

#93: THE TRUMAN SHOW

 

STARRING:  Jim Carrey, Laura Linney, Noah Emmerich, Natascha McElhone, Holland Taylor and Ed Harris. Written by Andrew Niccol. Directed by Peter Weir. Music by Burkhard Dallwitz, Philip Glass and Wojciech Kilar. Budget $60 million. Box office $264 million. Running time 103 minutes. Originally released in 1998.

Written by Andrew Niccol and directed by Peter Weir this 28 year-old film seems more prescient with each passing year, predicting with apparent witchcraftian ease the prolific growth of reality TV. Jim Carey is Truman Burbank, the unknowing star of a world-famous live TV show called The Truman Show. His whole fabricated life, from birth has been broadcast live to the world to see. He spends his days in a fictitious costal town of Seahaven Island working as an insurance broker, and even his mother (Holland Taylor), his wife, Nurse Meryle Truman (Laura Linney) and child-hood best friend, Louis Coltrane (Noah Emmerich) are just actors playing out lines read to them through their ear-pieces. And from his office in the moon, Christof (Ed Harris) the god-like figure who produces and directs the Truman Show watches over Truman dictating every minute of his life. But Truman has an urge to explore, to travel the world and when, one day, he narrowly avoids death from a falling spotlight Truman begins to see the cracks in his reality and realise his world might be something else, something sinister and he sets out to escape, while the whole world watches with baited breath.

What a profoundly moving film this is, a brilliantly brisk 103 minutes of cinematic gold, funny, tragic and emotionally moving. Nowadays it would be an eight-part Netflix series, with one filler episode and dragged out across eight hours, although it wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't one in the works already.

But this glorious little film is a modern marvel, emotionally moving, powerful and superbly acted, Jim Carey is a revelation and showed in this one film that he could act and well, keeping his little comedic gimmicks in check apart from his crazy dance in the car and the rain storm on the beach and playing it straight. He's gone on to prove he was more than a clown in both Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Man in the Moon. In this you'll find yourself drawn to his plight and rooting for him, yearning him on and when at last he triumphs you feel as if you've escaped too. Similarly the music is exceptional and the use of the main Truman hero music twice, first as he defies the system, and then when he finally sailing free. There's also a strange feeling of anti-climax at the end when you realise just how different and difficult his life is about to become and it's bittersweet despite the fact he's broken free, you want to know he's going to be safe and you wonder whether he'll be able to find true love with Sylvia, or if she'll turn out to be just an obsessive fan. And what of poor Christof, the other prisoner of the show, what now for him now that Truman has escaped, for him his life is effectively over there'll never be another event like The Truman Show for him while Truman himself is going to become a global megastar forever in the spotlight and glare of publicity. I'm sure there'll come a time for him when he realises he was never freer than when he was a prisoner of Seaheaven. 

If I had one criticism it would be the length (which is what my wife said to me on our wedding night) I wish it was longer (also what she said to me). Normally I winge about films being too long, but every now and then I watch a film and wish it was longer, this, Blade Runner, The Paper, Master and Commander and Spatacus. Actually, I'm lying about that last one, it's perfect just the length it is (which is what I said back to my wife on our wedding night).

One day, I'll find my own way out of the David Leach Show*, but until then I'll have to make do with Truman's adventure. Perfection is rare, so is this. 10/10

*FOOTNOTE:
Actually, if you're interested in reading David's own adventures in the real world then check out his autobiographical graphic novel David Leach Conquers the Universe available direct from the author and Dead Universe Comics in Aylesbury. It's all true!

#92: TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE (ANIMATED) 40TH ANNIVERSARY

 

STARRING: Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Lenoard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Lionel Stander and Orson Welles. Screenplay by Ron Friedman and Flint Dille. Directed by Nelson Shin. Music by Vince DiCola. Animation companies Sunbow Productions, Marvel Productions and Toei Animation. Budget $6 million. Box office $5.9million. Running time 85 minutes. Originally released in 1986.

Sorry to swear right off the bat, but FUCK those godawful live action Transformers movies, every goddam one of them from the first five truly hateful Michael Bay abominations: 2007's Transformers, 2009's Revenge of the Fallen, 2011's Dark of the Moon, Age of Extinction in 2014 and the fucking, unbelievably atrocious The Last Knight in 2017 which brought to an end a decade-long cultural attack that Michael Bay vomitted over the world. Then, just one year later Travis Knight spat out Bubblebee, and finally to add insult to injury Steven Caple Jr ejaculated Rise of the Beasts all over us in 2023. 

Those eight live-action movies went to gross over $5.42 billion dollars worldwide, proving that age-old adage of 50 million files eating shit can't be wrong. And so to this, the hand-animated animated feature film that's celebrating its 40th anniversary. Unlike other 40th Anniversary films that have been released this year, this is the only one I've not seen on the big screen and I went as eager as a proverbial beaver to see it. I've seen it a dozen or more so times on video and DVD, but up there on the big screen, never! 

Enough rambling, old man, tell us of the film, tell us of its plot, then describe the experience and final wrap it up in a pithy final paragraph before scoring it out of 10 like you normally bloody do!

The plot to this 40 year old film is just about as bonkers as you can get, indeed as I sit here and write I realise there wasn't a plot, there was just a series of explosions linked by a limitless number of transforming robots. There was the giant planet sized one, Unicron voiced by Orson Welles he wanted the gem thingie from Optimus Prime's chest and then there was Megatron leader of the Deceptorcons who also wanted it. He launched an all-out attack on Earth which finally killed Optimus, forcing him to hand the power gem thingie to Ultra Magnus, and Megatron was mortally wounded and revived by Unicorn and told to destroy the power gem crystal thingie. So he chases the Autobots around a bit, until they crash on a junk planet, get captured by some sort of fish-like Trannies, then Unicorn attacked the Transformers home world, and the lead Ultra Magnus gets killed and Megatron tries to double cross Unicorn, but gets eaten, so then the other Autobots unite the Trannies on the junk planet and they attack Unicorn, put out his eyes and blow him up killing him, but not before bringing Ultra Magnus back to life with the Matrix, that's what the glowing gem stone crystal thing was, the power Matrix. And then the film ends.  

Jesus that wasn't good, sure my nostalgia for it was strong but even that couldn't help. I know I'm blind to the short-comings of Godzilla films, but not so this. At the end of the day this was a badly animated 85 odd minute toy advert with some truly awful heavy metal songs thrown in. It's repetitive, confusing, and utterly baffling. Then Eric Idle turns up spouting not one line of dialogue, just an endless stream of random TV jingles and ads, at times this film seems to almost Dada-esque in its approach. And spare a thought for Orson Welles in his last ever movie, his voice hidden behind filters to make it almost unrecognisable, save for his last weary death groan as Unicrom get his head chopped off.

But damn it if it wasn't oddly entertaining at the same time. The hand-drawn animation of gigantic planet transforming was spectacular, Unicrom when he finally transforms is amazing but sadly it's not enough. The robots change size quicker than a Conservative heading to Reform, I mean at one point Megatron is huge, then next he's sitting in the fist of another having transformed into a gun. And the ones that go from robot to Boom box and then eject tiny cassettes which transform into little robots. And Grimlock, the sodding transforming dinosaur, who is so stupid he has to be pushed up the ramp of a spaceship to escape death. The dialogue is just sound bits and catchphrases and the voice acting is painful. This is  looks like a 85 minute long Saturday morning cartoon. It's cheap looking and scrappy and repetitive and packed full of stupid plot points and holes.

But, and I say this in all honesty, it was still somehow stupidly enjoyable! The cinema was packed, the audience of students and dads taking their kids were up for it and enjoyed it, laughing and revelling in the chaos, and it was 1000% better than all of the other animated films trailers before it. Seriously each and every one were just the same generic sassy, wacky kids flicks, all CGI animated and all looked exactly like each other. At least this looked different, infinitely different and I'd watch it over all those in a heartbeat. 

Despite all its many failings this is still better than each and every one of those motherfucking, godawful live-action Transformers film put together.

7/10

P.S.

For all you film nerds out there. Name the other film Orson Welles and Robert Culp starred in? 

#91: RUNNER

 

STARRING: Alan Ritchson, Owen Wilson, Rodrigo Santoro and Leila George. Written by Miles Hubley and Tommy White. Directed by Scott Waugh. Budget $35 million. 

This one caught me unawares, I only became aware of it last week as part of a comparison with the new Gal Gadot film, The Runner, with which this shares half the same title. 

The plot to this one sees 'runner' divorced ex-Seal, ex-alcoholic Hank Malone (Alan Ritchson) living on a house boat in Melbourne Harbour. He's a Deliveroo driver, although when we first meet him he's busy doing the following, engraving a girl's name into a tiny padlock, eating French sandwiches and learning French. He's stoic, tacit, somber, sober and solemn. You see he's atoning for his past. He makes a living driving 'hi-end' stuff around town, like endangered golden parrots, Subway orders, or forcefully picking up belligerent politicians for a government vote (don't ask). Meanwhile, Ben Bishop (Owen Wilson) makes his living as a different sort of runner, flying round the world in first class and delivering organs for transplant, in this case a liver (in a codeword protected hi-tech freezer box) for a little girl who's lying in a hospital and slowly dying. Hank arrives at the airport to pick up the organ and parks beside a huge black SUV, with blacked out windows. I wonder it that'll play a part later? Hank agrees to take Ben to the hospital and we learn that if the freezer box's temperature goes above 8 degrees or if it takes longer than five hours to deliver will expire. So off they go, along with the mysterious black suv with the blacked out windows. 

WITHIN seconds the baddies, who were in the all-black SUV with the blacked out windows, ambushes them leading to the first of many full-out gun battles, in the streets of Melbourne, which will leave scores of nameless tattooed henchmen dead, but oddly enough not from gun shots. No, because of Alan Ritchson's massive size, the man is simply humongous, all of the henchmen are literally broken into pieces, arms, legs snapped, backs broken, necks bent into pretzels,  faces are crushed with single punches, and many people are killed, including random bystanders, who are shot, but not by Hank. Luckily the Australian police aren't on hand to investigate any of this and the chase between Hankben (Ritchson and Owen, to save time) and the baddies led by psychotic Rodrigo Santoro (Damian Zaldivar), he's one of those baddies who executes his heavily tatooed henchmen as a lesson to the others. It's clearly a lesson that the others don't learn as they continue to get stuff wrong. Actually, the reason he, Rodrigo, doesn't kill those who fail him is because the Hank half of Hankben does, in horribly brutal ways. Add to that the following: an old woman dying of the exact same thing as the little girl, a kidnapped surgeon, a mole in the hospital where the little girl is staying, an ex-wife with a spare car, when Hankben's car is destroyed. A vengeful second tier henchman. Oh and to make things more time sensitive, the cooler box and one half of Hankben gets ventilated with a hole meaning time is running out. And that's the plot from then on, Hankben get chased, steal a car, crash the car, bicker, banter and get into one incredibly violent fist/gun fight after another. Then just repeat till the insane final showdown in the hospital where everything just goes batshit crazy and one half of Hankben gets shot, stabbed multiple times with a stiletto and an actual bone saw, and here's a clue, it's not Owen Wilson. Then, finally the police show up and the film ends with a coda of one half of Hankben in Paris honouring their dead daughter from the character backstory. 

Fast, violent, and moderately fun. Apparently it's a lot more fun than The Runner. The Australian setting makes it look fresh and the weather and sun look lovely. The effects and car stunts augmented by CGI are in the Fast and Furious school of car physics, but it does suffer from ridiculous plot contrivances and holes and it's painfully clear that logic is clearly asked to step away from the plot at points during the film to make the whole thing somehow work. 

It would have been made for a tenth of the budget back in the 80s by Canon and probably starred Charles Brosnson, or Chuck Norris, but while this is on it's fine. Nothing big, it's amusing, very violent and utterly over the top and Alan Ritchson is clearly being groomed as the next big action hero. I'm still hoping for the day he becomes Doc Savage. 

Anyway this, well it's okay. But you'll do just as well with it at home than at the cinema. 

6/10

#90: INDEPENDENCE DAY

STARRING: Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, Ary McDonnell, Judd Hirsch, Margaret Colin, Randy Quaid, Robert Loggia, James Rebhorn, Vivica A. Fox, Adam Baldwin, Brent Spiner, Harry Connick Jr. and Harvey Fierstein. Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. Produced by Dean Devlin. Directed by Roland Emmerich. Music by David Arnold. Budget $75 million. Box office: $817 million. Running time 145 minutes. Originally released in 1996

Featuring over 3000 special effect shots, the majority of which were practical, to 'save money', including the glorious iconic shot of the White House getting utterly destroyed, as well as some truly spectacular scenes of utter devastation of skyscrappers exploding, streets on fire and a world obliterated. The legend goes that it was written over a month-long holiday in Mexico, green lit by 20th Century Fox chairman Peter Chernin just one day after it was pitched, and put into pre-production just three days later! This film exploded onto our screens and psyches 30 years ago to humungous applause and insane cheering and just devoured the box office. It took over $50.2 million on its opening three-day weekend and spent the next 10 weeks at number #1, ultimately finishing its cinematic run with over $817 million. It slammed Will Smith on the map cementing his legend as a leading man for years to come, and also blasted Jeff Goldblum onto the A List, and it's without doubt one of the most exhilarating, exciting, and entertaining science fiction blockbusters ever made and it just never gets old or boring. 

The plot sees 15 mile wide flying saucers take up position above key points across the globe and then launch a planetary-wide wave of utter destruction. From then on we follow a rag-tag team of heroes as they at first fight to survive, then unite together, before fighting back in pure Hollywood style, but only after the President of the United States of mother-fucking America (Bill Pullman) has given the greatest mother-fucking speech in the history of the world (and cinema) to rally the troops for one glorious mother-fucking counter-attack, while eco scientist David (Jeff Goldblum) and ace pilot Stephen Hiller (Will Smith) fly a stolen alien fighter craft right in the heart of the mother-fucking alien mother ship to deliver Earth's mother-fucking payback in the most ludicrous way possible and all you can do is cheer! 

What a thrill ride, what a treat! What a mother-fucking fantastic film! Back on the big screen to celebrate it's 40th anniversary. I loved this the first time I saw this at a multi-media preview in London in 1996, where the entire crowd of hardened, cynical critics cheered as one and applauded at the president's speech. By no means could this be called high-brow, or clever, or intellectual, but what you can call it is an utter delight, and sod the need to call it a 'guilty pleasure'. The fact that 40 years after its release it's coming back and people want to see it proves what a total classic it is. This is utterly unapologetically the purest popcorn movie ever made, it revels in its own trashiness, it honours the history of the science fiction B-Movie and it stands tall and proud and shouts, I'm loud, I'm proud, I'm goddam bloody epic, me!

I for one refuse to find fault with it, or scoff at it, or sneer, I don't care if the dialogue is lame or cliched, I don't mind a jote if it's just a B-Movie, I bloody love B-movies and I bloody love this. It's a throwback to a simpler time, it's almost a Hollywood WWII movie in style, the gungho attitude the rugged heroes fighting back against a much bigger enemy, and its not ashamed to be downright and outrageously fun!

I was lucky enough to see this several years ago at the Royal Albert hall with a full live orchestra and it was sublime! This time round it's just as nature intended but on the biggest screen High Wycombe has to offer! if you get yourself a chance, do yourself a favour and go and see this on the big screen, sit as close as you can to the screen and just get ready to be utterly entertained. It's defo not clever, but boy, is it big, epically BIG!

10 out of mother-fucking 10, bitch!

#89: STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME

 

ORIGINAL 1986 MOVIE POSTER

40TH ANNIVERSARY MOVIE POSTER 2026 

STARRING: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Catherine Hicks, Michael Berryman, Mark Lenard, Jane Wyatt and Robin Curtis. Story by Harve Bennett and Leonard Nimoy, screenplay by Steve Meerson, Peter Krikes, Nicholas Meyer and Harve Bennett. Directed by Leonard Nimoy. Music by Leonard Rosenman. Budget $25 million. Boxoffice $133 million. Running time 122 minutes. Originally released in 1986.

All together now. 

"Computer. Computer. Ah! Hello computer."

It's 2286 and a dirty great big cylindrical dustbin has arrived in our solar system, taken up a parking orbit above Earth, and started broadcasting a signal that takes out the global power grid, causing untold environmental disaster with huge planet-wide storms blocking out the sun, triggering a possible ice-age and generally acted like a massive dick because somebody on Earth couldn't be bothering to answer their intergalactic phone call. Luckily, pointy-eared, child psychologist and science officer Spook has discovered the signal was meant for the now (then) extinct Hump-Back whales and so him, Kirk and the others set off through a time warp back to 1986 in search of some whales they could bring back to communicate with the alien interlopers and save the world. Urgh, Mondays, am I right?

And so we arrive at the fourth Star Trek film made back in a time when Star Trek existed only at the cinema and re-runs on TV and hadn't spawned five progressively bad spin-offs filled with valuable life-lessons and gender politics, when the world wasn't over saturated with an excess of science fiction, super-heroes and fantasy, a time when this sort of good-natured and dare I say, old fashioned entertainment seemed rather exciting and, fun! Hedy, happy days before the internet and streaming ruined everything.

A novel idea for the franchise, take the crew and throw them in the real world and see how they react. And what a fun ride that turned out to be. Because this is by far the most light-hearted Star Trek film they ever made, with a game crew eager to have a bit of laugh with their roles while still sticking to the world of Star Fleet and a quite serious scenario.  

What you take away from this is just how enjoyable and exciting it is, how they managed to mix amusement and action, drama and fun. It's not a comedy but it's funny, but that is never at the expense of the characters or story. The story split across three different objectives keeps you hooked, it also gives Scotty his moment to shine with perhaps one of my favourite Star Trek scenes of all time, when he has to interact with a computer, watching his fingers dart across the keyboard, it's clear that actor James Doohan who played Scotty so well, hasn't the foggiest notion what the hell a 'computer' is, leading to the sublime moment he picks up the mouse to talk into the infernal machine. Then there's Spock's re-emerging humanity and the re-awkening of his friendship with Kirk and a profanity spouting Spook is worth the admission fee alone, then there's, Uhura and Chekov's mini-adventure aboard the Enterprise aircraft carrier leading to the hospital escape and finally Captain Kirk's deeply creepy flirtation with Marine Biologist Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks). He might have been a hit with all the aliens hotties in outer space, but back on terra firma he's just a middle-aged man standing way too close and flirting so badly he might as well just dropped his pants. Way back in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan I marvelled at William Shatner's acting, particularly when his voice breaks during his eulogy for Spook, but here, when the camera is often right up there in his face it seems to be mugging and gurning are his preferred methods of acting. And that kiss from Gillian on Kirk's cheek at the end when she tells him they'll always be friends makes my toes curl.

That minor quibble probably explains why this doesn't get a solid 10/10, but regardless, I bloody love this, great fun and a joy again, as always, to see on the big screen. Finally it's as old as my relationship with Petra, so happy 40th to us both.

9/10

P.S.
You might wonder why I posted the two posters at the top of this review, well the first is the Bob Peak painted artwork for the original cinematic release and the second is the bag of shit some stupid intern spewed up for the 40th Anniversary release, it's a never-ending source of great sadness for me to see how utterly piss poor modern film posters have become and that photoshopped abomination above just shows the decline, what the fuck is going on with Gillian Taylor's pick up truck on one side and the taxi on the other, as far as I can remember there isn't a single taxi in the film, unless it's driving past in the background. This poster is lazy, badly constructed and enticing as a mouldy loaf of bread. Explain to me Paramount how that poster is going to encourage anyone new to this film?

Poster artwork 2/10 (actually I might even do a top ten of film posters this year). This one be on it.