#14: THE POPE SEXORCIST

Starring Russell Crowe, Daniel Zovatto, Alex Essoe and Franco Nero. 

Written by Michael Petroni and Evan Spiliotopoulos. Directed by Julius Avery. Running time 103 minutes. 

Based on An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories by Gabriele Amorth. This tell the 'true' story of Gabriele Amorth an actual Catholic priest who claimed to have performed over 160,000 exorcisms over his lifetime.

In this film, set in the 1980s, the first in an obviously hoped for new franchise starring everyone's favourite Australian actor who's not Hugh Jackson - Russell Crowe, Crowe plays the rugged real life exorcist, Gabriele Amorth. Crowe was picked because of his uncanny resemblance to the real life Amorth, seen here.

See, uncanny.

ANYWAY, he's the Pope's own personal Sexorcist and he's got a mandate from the big boss man to perform exorcisms whenever he wants, regardless what his Catholic bosses say about there not being a need for exorcisms anymore. 

When an attractive American MILF widow and her two children, one a mute boy who looks odd and the other her overly sexually precocious teenage daughter move into a disused nunnery in Spain you just know the shit's going to hit the fan, the daughters going to end up crawling upside-down from the ceiling like a spider and the boggle-eyed mute boy's going to end up possessed and guess what, he does and she does! But why and what's this got to do with Gabe and the nunnery and why is there a Papal seal on old nunnery's well?

Well get ready for a classic battle between actual good and evil as loveable old priest Gabe does battle with a demon while playing a game of The Exorcist: Movie Cliche Bingo! Yes, that's right! using that vastly superior and actually terrifying classic movie as its very own playbook, The Pope's SexExorocist wastes no time at all in plundering the 1973 Oscar nominated movie for all it's tropes and beats, obviously assuming that today's audiences won't be aware of a film as old as most modern cinema audiences goer's parents. 

Uncovering a conspiracy over 200 years old, Gabe discovers the nunnery is built on a site where God can't go and that it's just one of 200 similar sites around the world and in doing so, establishes the basis for the franchise that everyone involved with the making of the film is eager for the general public to take up so they can make more of these.

Russell Crowe could have sleep walked this role, and yet he's inoffensive in it, the film isn't scary, but it's entertaining and the action is satisfying. It's helped in no small part by the always excellent Franco Nero as Da Pope, who even when he's suffering the after-effects of a massive heart attack and lying in a hospital ICU bed still manages to fight off evil attack.

It's a hoot and a half and doesn't outstay its welcome, plus it's not big or clever and it's just over an hour and a half in length. There's worst things to see at the cinema than this, like Shazam, which I've not even seen!

6/10

 

#13: DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOUR AMONG THIEVES

 

Starring Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez, Rege-jean Page, Justice Smith, Sophia Lillis and Hugh Grant. Written by Jonathan Goldstein, John Francis Daley and Michael Gilio. Directed by Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley. Budget $150 million. Running time 134 minutes.

You don't need to have played the game to enjoy this film. It's inoffensive, amusing and despite featuring a spinning sky vortex (its first film outside the DCU) has a satisfying action packed ending. Plus it's got a great turn by Hugh Grant and Chris Pine and the supporting cast, lead by Michelle Rodriguez are all entertaining.

Not much to say about this to be honest, it didn't fill me with loathing, I didn't feel my bile rising and whilst it was on I was entertained, so that's more than enough.  Plus the actual villain is rather good. Delightful not to sit through a superhero movie. The plot sees a band of adventures do battle with a baddy, have an encounter with a dragon and also enter a dungeon, so the title then.

And that's it, I'm afraid.

7/10

#12: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4

Starring Keanu Reeves, Donnie yen, Bill Skarsgard, Laurence Fishburne, Hiroyuki Sanada, Shamier Anderson, Lance Reddick, Rina Sawayama, Scott Adkins and Ian McShane. Written by Shay Hatten and Michael Finch and directed by Chad Stahelski. Budget $100 million. Running time 169 minutes.

In this never changing world of unrequested sequels comes this – the third and final sequel of the John Wick franchise, and the second franchise starring Keanu Reeves to reach a number #4 and it's a relief to report that this is vastly better than Matrix 4, although that's not exactly a high bar to beat.

So what is John Wick: Chapter Four about? Well, it's about one hour and forty nine minutes long. And it might help if you've watched the last three if you want to make sense of what's occurring? Although I can't imagine anyone going in to watch the fourth of something without having seen at least one of the first three.

The plot! Somehow still alive after being shot off the top of a hotel (see John Wick 3: Parabellum - oops sorry, spoiler alert) John Wick (Keanu Reeves) is back and off to a galloping start as he races across Morocco on a horse to confront the leader of the Table, that mysterious cabal of 12 unseen rulers of a secret society of assassins who seem to exist in a world where fantastically high body count acts of unbelievable violence are completely common place and no one bats an eye, even continuing to dance like banshees in nightclubs while men are literally hacked to death with axes in front of them, but I digress and I've only just started my synopsising of the film. God, if this is what happening after only five paragraphs, I dread to think what's in store for the rest!

It turns out that cos Wick's been excommunicated for his past antics (killing high ranking members of The High Table), he's now being hunted by someone called the Marquis Vincent de Gramont (Bill Skarsgard), a senior member of the High Table who has full power to do whatever he wants to make John Wick dead dead. And he's not messing about! No siree, within minutes of the film starting he's had the Continental Hotel blown up, he's excommunicated its manager Winston (Ian McShane) and killed its concierge just to prove he means business! Now he's going after anyone who's ever helped Wick since he was hoofed out the club. This puts Wick at his wit's end as he watches many friends getting killed for helping him. And things get ever worser when his bestest friend in the whole wide world, whom we've not only never meet before but haven't even heard about before, old blind buddy Caine (Donnie Yen) is press-ganged back into service to kill Wick, add to that a rising bounty and an ambitious young assassin with a dog who's waiting for Wick's bounty to rise to a high enough level before killing him and you have a overly packed film of exotic killers all vying to stake their claim on it. On the run, Wick is forced to find someone to sponsor him back into the business so that he can demand a duel with the Marquis and hopefully win back his freedom. Thankfully the Bowery King (Laurence Fishbone) is on hand to furnish Wick with new suits and guns whenever needed.

And that's it in a nutshell, seriously I doubt you go to see a John Wick film for it's Shakespearian plotting, no, you go for the unrelenting violence and bloodshed in a hyper stylised world of extreme opulence.

Directed by series director, Chad Stahelski the stunt co-ordinator and actor who once doubled for Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, this is a fantastically beautiful looking film, the relentless action is expertly choreographed and executed, and it's a delight to report that there's no hideous shaky cam editing or jump cuts, the action is shot almost locked down and in full shot and you see everything! It's also astonishing to see the cast doing so much of the action. There is one utterly superb sequence that sees the camera rise above the action and track Wick, top-down, through a building as he slaughters all the assassins inside, it's an inspired move and is deeply effective. And indeed the film is held up by three massively impressive action set pieces that take place in Tokyo, Berlin and Paris, boy that Wicky sure can move around the world with impunity when he wants to. And it's the astounding action sequels that make it all worth while, the fight up the stairs to the Sacre-Coeur is brilliant! Although the gun battle at the Arch De Truimph is just stupid. 

Sadly, however, despite all this good, the film does drag, its length doesn't help (Ooh-Eer, missus!) the relentless, lengthy shoot-outs with legions of nameless goons becomes repetitive and somewhat boring, although the choreography of each fight remains deeply impressive. The introduction of bullet proof coats pushes credulity to breaking point, and the weight of the film's own ridiculous mythology threatens to drown the whole thing. Also the kills gets very samey, Wick, or however, fires two or three bullets to the body then one or more to the head and repeat. Add to that the complete impunity in which these hordes of gun-totting assassins operate is breath-taking, despite leaving countless scores of corpses strewn across three continents and major cities, at no time do the authorities or the police ever intervene! But, luckily because there's a serious lack of blood and gore the film avoids an 18 certificate. 

And to think all this started because the son of a Russian gangster killed a retired assassin's dead wife's puppy and stole his car! Ah, simpler times.

Tom Cruise might be the King of the Sprint, but Keanu is the King of the Double-Tap! 

7/10

 

#11 RYE LANE

Starring David Jonsson, Vivian Oparah, Alice Hewkin, Munya Chawana, Simon Manyonda, Karrene Perter, Benjamin Sarpong-Broni, Poppy Allen-Quarmby and Malcolm Atobrah. Written by Nathan Bryon and Tom Melia, directed by Raine Allen-Miller. Running time 82 minutes.

What an utter delight and joy this was, what a simply charming, sweet-natured, and lovely little film directed by first time director Raine Allen-Miller.

The plot sees two young people, one newly jilted accountant Dom (David Jonsson) randomly meet up with costume designer Jas (Vivian Oparah) also recently dumped at an art gallery launch and follows them for an eventful and funny day in and around Brixton and Rye Lane. Filled with a veritable host of quirky background characters, a fantastic soundtrack and some very funny events and situations. 

There's also a very funny homage, uncredited cameo, pun – both visual and literary – all rolled into one, when our two leads stop off for a burrito bar for some lunch, which is worth the admission price alone.

A delightful rom-com, which feels vastly more grounded than the usual thanks to the pure chemistry of its leads and their backstories. Filmed with real vim and enthusiasm and utilising a strange fish-eye like lens this gives the film a real sense of energy and conveys an otherworldliness to proceedings. The ending is never in doubt and following the classic three-act structure sees our couple separated before the final act. 

That hardly matters, it's been a while since I've seen something so joyful, funny and just so British. Funded by the BBC, BFI and the Lotto. This was a wonderful little film and I thoroughly loved it. More please from everyone involved.

Whether you like it or not comes down to if you're a waver or not. And I'm definitely a waver.

9/10

#9 CREED III

 

Starring Michael B. Jordan, Tessa Thompson, Jonathan Majors and Phylicia Rashad. Written by Keenan Coogler and Zach Baylin. Directed by Michael B. Jordan. Budget $75 million. Running time 116 minutes. 

Third time around for the Adonis Creed, the son of Apollo Creed - the best friend of Rocky Balboa and major plot motivator for Rocky IV. This, the 9th film in a series first started by Sylvester Stallone back in 1976, marks the first time that Rocky does not appear in the film and he's only mentioned once in passing.

The plot sees Adonis 'Donnie' Creed (Michael B. Jordan) retire from professional boxing to concentrate on enjoying his fabulously fantastic family life with wife Bianca Taylor-Creed (Tess Thompson) and deaf daughter Amara, that is until a presence from his past resurfaces in the guise of Dame, a one-time promising young boxer and best friend of the young Donnie who's spent the last 18 years in prison and is eager for a shot at the title. 

Dame (Jonathan Majors) is so hungry for success he's not just got the eye of the tiger, he's got both its ears, its nose, damn he's got the whole kit(ty) and caboodle. 

So when the plot contrives to put the reigning champion in the ring with Dame it's inevitable that Dame emerges triumphant thanks to so truly brutal and underhand boxing tactics that forces Donnie to come out of retirement for one last fight and you have Creed III.

Michael B. Jordan directs this well, the fight scenes are good and brutal, and both Jordan and Majors devour the screen. Majors exudes so much raw talent that you can't take your eyes off him.

There to bring the much needed emotional baggage is Mary Anne Creed (Phylicia Rashad), Apollo Creed's wife and Donnie's mum, whose main role is to do a Burgess Meredith in the third act to provide the final punch of motivation Donnie needs to get into the ring again, thus triggering the obligatory training montage sequence before the main bout can take place.

If Creed II felt like a rehash of Rocky IV, then this by comparison feels like Rocky III, with Dame taking the James Clubber Lang role. Interestingly enough that idea was initially suggested as the plot of Creed II. 

Anyway, I loved the first Creed film, and enjoyed the second too. There's no great need for this bout, but while it was on it was a satisfying and entertaining enough, although I doubt I'll come back for a rematch. 

7/10 

#10: 65

Starring Adam Driver and Ariana Greenblatt. Written and directed by  Scott Beck and Bryan Woods. Produced by Sam Raimi. Budget $45-91 million dollars. Running time 93 minutes. 

So, 65 million years ago a space pilot called Mills is tasked with flying a two-year space expedition to take settlers to an unnamed planet when his space ship is hit by an asteroid and he crash lands on a mysterious blue green planet orbiting an ordinary looking yellow sun and he finds himself alone on a planet ruled by dinosaurs, a sort of Planet of the Dinosaurs if you will.

With his spaceship smashed in half, his cargo of human passengers scattered across the landscape and all dead, and with no hope of rescue, Mill's decides to end his life. However when a warning signal starts bleeping, Mills realises there's one more survivor, a young girl, and he sets out to save her. With the girl retrieved, Mills discovers Koa (Ariana Greenblatt) for that is her name, speaks no English and the pair set off on a 12 kilometre hike to the other half of the spaceship where an escape pod still works. Along the way they have the occasional run in with a series of terrible lizards, have to deal with quagmire of quicksand, a perilous spot of spelunking and an impending date with destiny and a fucking great big asteroid. 

Armed with only his fantastically powerful laser blaster and some alien tech, our hero, the grief-stricken pilot and his young charge set off for some mild shits and giggles romp offering nothing that exciting and certainly nothing original, which is a great shame. 

The idea of a pair of humanoids battling to survive on a planet of dinosaurs is a fantastic idea and if the film had had the budget to realise it properly then I think this would have been really exciting and action-packed adventure. As it is, it barely rises to the level of mild excitement, there are one or two action beats, but these are seriously hamstrung by a hero whose gun can kill with a single blast. Also, rather than a thousand different types of beasties we have four and one of those seems to have been made up, resembling more a long limbs humanoid like dinosaur creature with cunning intelligence who stalks our heroes relentlessly. 

The ending's never in doubt, the countdown with the impending asteroid is a hoot and overall this is mildly entertaining. 

Adam Driver, is great in everything he does and he has to do a lot in this carrying the film almost entirely on his shoulders. Making his costar unable to speak English was a big mistake and robs this film of having any meaningful connection, between cliched solitary words of English the girl has learned.   

The effects are passable, luckily the film makers opted for most action taking place off camera, or in the rain, at night time or in a cave complex. And that's it. 

The film is unintentionally funny and the first laugh occurred when the the main title revealed itself to also be the film's opening caption: 65 MILLION YEARS AGO.

Which is oddly enough also the score of the film, bar the odd million or so. 

6/10
 

#8 WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

 

STARRING Lily James, Shazad Latif, Shabana Azmi, Emma Thompson, Sajal Aly, Oliver Chris, Asim Chaudhry, Jeff Mirza, Alice Orr-Ewing and Rahat Fateh Alli Khan. Written by Jemima Khan. Directed by Shekhar Kapur. Running time 108 minutes.

As part of the most bizarre double bill I've ever been to, I followed Cocaine Bear with this, and boy did I wish I hadn't.

The plot sees (only in the movies) documentary film maker Zoe (Lily James), who lives on a house boat on the Thames by Chelsea use her childhood friend and next door neighbour, Doctor Kaz Khan's (Shazad Latif) upcoming arranged marriage as the basis of her latest fly-on-the-wall documentary with 'hilarious' results. We follow Zoe and Kaz, who really should be a couple, as she films his half hearted matchmaking attempts and subsequent arranged marriage which results in a trip to the wonderful city of Lahore in Pakistan, where everything is unbelievably lovely, clean and utterly beggar free, for a ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS three day wedding. Along for the ride is Zoe's mum, Cath (Emma Thompson) who naturally is obsessed with how wonderful everything about her next door neighbour's family culture is, she's a totally paid up and fully committed Pakistani-phile, she loves every thing about their muslim culture to such an extent, you'll actually find your toes curling in embarrassment each and every time she's on the screen. 

Cue lots of examples of how awful Western attitudes towards marriage and dating are compared to the enlightened, marvellous, mysterious ways of the far East. Until an incredible late in the third act reveal when you realise the whole film has been a subversive rug-pull.

Kaz's arranged wife is less than enthusiastic with the prospect of moving to the UK and harbours a secret, there's a plain speaking grandma who spouts mostly racist sentiments from her wheelchair, and added to the mix - a banished daughter, who dared to marry a western for love and bear a child, and finally a lovelorn English vet, set up with Zoe by her mum, Cath.

The film, which to its credit brought out a nicely and surprising ethnically diverse crowd at my cinema, begins as the most generic of sit coms, ticking off all the familiar tropes, to such an extent I scored well over 50 points with my cliche bingo card, everything about Zoe's romantic life is held up as wrong footed and terrible, while the arranged marriage model is lauded and hailed, "did you know that only 1% of arranged marriages fail." we are told, while we see Zoe's latest drunken one night stand fail when she finds out her date is married, then her best friend's marriage fails when the husband cheats. Meanwhile arranged marriage couples give talking head interviews to camera praising to the heavens the glories of their couplings, claiming that you 'fall into like, walk into love'. It really is the worst type of propaganda, that is up until the film pulls a Syd Field in the third act with a literal rug-pull and that the whole film is revealed to have been one fantastically miss-direct. It's cleverly timed to arrive just at the end of the second act and the beginning of the third, when Zoe shows the rough cut of her movie to the Khans and family secrets are exposed and confronted, a divorce is announced, and true love, un-arranged, wins out.

This is button pushing at its finest, a hideously manipulative, smug and self satisfying movie which insults with its stereotypical portrayals of two cultures to such an extent that it loses all credibility, and the ending which dawns on you, well before it arrives with such cringe-inducing schmaltz that your already toe curled feet will roll back up your legs to your knees.

It's great to see Clem Fandago's Shazad Latif back in action, and Lily James is a good actress, but I just wish they'd had a better story together, because this one holds absolutely no water at all and is as about as believable as the idea of a cocaine addicted black bear killing scores of people. 

Smug, satisfying, simpering and sickeningly twee. This film also loses marks thanks to Emma Thompson who is so bad in this that you find yourself hating her each time she bobs into view. 

5/10