#37: KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

 

STARRING: Owen Teague, Freya Allan, Kevin Durand, Peter Macon and leading some gravity, William H. Macy. Written by Josh Friedman, directed by Wes Ball. Budget $165 million. Running time 145 minutes long.

And so begins the first film of the second trilogy of the reboot series of the 56 year-old Planet of the Apes franchise.

It's been seven years since the last one, War For the Planet of the Apes and 300 odd years have passed for ape-kind. Long gone the last remnants of intelligent humanity and the first talking ape, Caesar, who with his gang of semi-chatty intelligent apes took over the world. Now it's time for their descendants, lead by Chimpanzee Noa (Owen Teague) to pick up the metal fence poles of destiny and forge a new three-film arc on the mighty bones of their predecessors.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes marks the 10th film in a canon that started with the release of the 1968 Charlton Heston original. It starts quietly and takes time to get up and running as we follow three young apes, lead by Noa (Owen Teague) as they go Golden Eagle egg hunting, it turns out these apes are part of a clan that rear Eagles, just like great apes do in the wild. 

Anyway, it's not long before another band of apes, this time on horseback, attack Noa's peaceful, Eagle egg raising tribe, capturing everyone except for Noa and his dad, the tribe's leader, whom the bad apes kill. This in turns triggers Noa to set off on a quest to rescue his mum and the rest of the clan. Along the way he meets and teams up with mysterious human, Nova (Freya Allan) and a wise-old orangutan called Raka (Peter Macon). Anyway, it's not long before the bad apes catch up with them, it turns out they're after Nova, and they're all taken to the coastal kingdom of Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand) a bonobo ape with dreams of breaking into an ancient human bunker built on the beach and unlocking the secrets within.

And that's as much of the plot as I'm going to reveal. 

This is a fantastically good looking film the CGI effects are superb and the realism is off the chart, so much so, that at times I had a hard time working out which of the chimps was which. The motion-capture acting is great, the soundtrack is terrific and I can't fault the action. So it's a shame I didn't like this film more, I think the trouble is that the plot is very clunky, it doesn't flow well, things just happen to propel the plot and are delivered in a very ham-fisted way, for example the attack on Noa's village that results in the death of the one person who will motivate our hero to go on his quest, or the first meeting of Noa and Raka, or our hero getting knocked out conveniently at several times during the plot, or the disappearance of all the tribe's young at key moments in the story. Or his dead father's eagle that at the beginning of the film hates Noa. Plus there's some telegraphing of plot points and beats that annoy, none more so than the building of a seawall around the entrance of the human bunker to keep the ocean at bay, what the actual what?

The trouble is that whereas in the first three films the story of the apes and in particular Caesar was the focus, in this Nova becomes the main protagonist and her story just isn't as interesting. Similarly, Proximus Caesar is only there to give the film its villain, in previous films the villain, be it Gary Oldman's Dreyfus or Woody Harrelson's Colonel McCullough, brought real depth and drama to their roles, in this Proximus is just a crazy, rather stupid thug with a megalomanic complex. The ending of this sets up the obvious next story, but this is no cliffhanger moment and rather than elicit excitement there's just a sense of oh.

Everything just happens to propel the plot and there are some irritating plot holes, or plot contrivances that niggle. The first three films of this 'reboot era', Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and War for the Planet of the Apes were exceptionally good films and raised the bar substantially, so this one has a lot to prove and perhaps that's the problem. Moving the story on 300 years is a good idea but there are ideas and elements I wish had been more explored, certainly in the trailer there's a sense of the Apes discovering mankind's history which is mostly brushed over in this. Sure there are some deeply touching moments, the telescope for one, the finding of the books in the library, but I wanted more of that sort of thing and perhaps less of an antagonist you knew would be dead by the end. 

All that said, it's great to see another more adult science fiction film, like Dune, something that's not filled with superheroes, robots, or spaceships, something with more depth and scope and this is not a terrible film by any stretch, it's just not as good as I wanted it be. That said it was still an enjoyable experience.

7/10

#36: STAR SNORES EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM DENNIS

 STARRING: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Ian McDiarmid, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Pernila August and Frank Oz. Written and directed by George Lucas. Budget $115 million. Running time 134 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

I last saw this dreadful film back in 1999 on the day it opened. Now, 25 years later, I went back to watch it again, because my daughter who was born two months after it originally opened wanted to see it on the big screen, so off we went. 

Oh god, I'd forgotten just how unbelievably bad this sorry sac of shit truly was. Badly dated by some dreadful CGI (the droid army is awful), some very poor make-up effects, and some staggering racist vocal performances. I'd have to say that overall this film is a sorry, stinking pile of crap, not helped by a hackneyed script, wooden performances, bland cinematography and some very dreary direction from Lucas himself. 

The plot, bogged down in tedious discussions about Trade Federations and embargoes over the peace-loving white people of Naboo sees two genuinely inept Jedi masters sent to broker a deal between Naboo and a bunch of ugly Asian-themed aliens who are holding a beautiful white princess hostage on her peace loving planet. The Jedis get attacked, escape to the planet and basically run into plot point after plot point, and Jar Jar Binks in one of the most ludicrous moments I've ever seen in a movie, Liam Neeson's Jedi Master Qu-Gon literally runs into him while running away from an invading army. Rather than killing him on the spot, the two team up and the floppy eared twat, Jar Jar not Liam, spends the rest of the film being the most hateful thing George Lucas ever created. From then on it's a slow-motion car crash, till the boring ending brings this tedious mess to a full stop. While Qui-Gonk is dicking about with Jar Jar. The Jedi-twins land on Tatoonie with Queen Padmé Amidala, Natalie Portman in toe, and team up with cute precocious moppet Anakin Skywalker, Jake Lloyd, for a podrace before heading back to Nabpoo for the final fight with Daft Mao and a big battle between the droid army and a race of incredibly stupid underwater people whom it appears the rest of Naboo weren't aware of. Little Anakin steals a space ship with R2D2 and literally murders thousands of people in outer-space before the whole sorry shit-show winds down with an excruciating parade down the main street of Nabpoo where badly rendered CGI creatures and characters bob up and down while the music drones on and on and on and on. Finally, just before the will to live leaves your body, the screen irises to black and you get return to your lives knowing you never have to see it again, ever. Hopefully.

I remember distinctly that this was deeply vilified by everyone who saw it originally and was used as a benchmark to compare the next two films in this turgid series, Attack of the Clowns and Revenge of the Pissed, with everyone saying, well at least it wasn't as bad as the Phantom Dennis. Which, in hindsight, was a genius move by old Lucas.   

There are only two good things in the whole film. The first is the Ben Hur inspired pod-race, and the second is Jar Jar Binks, no only fooling, it's Darth Maul (Ray Park). And that's only because compared to what's on either side of them these two things are at least exciting. That said, the Pod-race feels rather cringey at times and marred by added wacky comedy japes and moments. 

Oh god! I've just been triggered, all the crap in this film is washing over me again like a Nam flashback!

Here are a couple of plot holes that really cook my biscuits! There were more, many more but there's only so many hours in one day.

1. Are we expected to believe that Darth Vader, as a kid, built C3P0 from scratch? For a start he's a kid, like less than 10, also he's a slave so he has no money or resources, if he's so adept at making sodding robots why the hell is that big-nosed winged idiot of a master not utilising him in a more profitable manner? Incidentally, looking at the incomplete C3P0 droid it looks as if little Annie signed up for one of those weekly part-works magazines called 'Build Your Own Droid'. 

2. If little Anakin did built that stinking robot all by himself, then why the hell doesn't he mention it all those years later during any of the times they bump into each other.

I could go on, but I can't be arsed. This was shit when it was first released and it's remained massively shit since. Nothing to recommend it. 

Lucas made Star Wars with love and a vision, slowly over time it became a money making machine and ended up homogenised and devoid of an ounce of creative originality. There's no charm in this, no wonder, no sense of excitement, it's just a series of events strung together, long gone the thrill of the RKO serials that so inspired the young Lucas and absolutely nothing to make us gasp in delight.

It's probably not fair to compare this to Star Wars, the 22 year worth of canon doesn't help. Whereas the first one had freshness and excitement, this feels tired and a tad stale and whereas the first film sort of made it up as it went along, this one is forced to shoehorn a huge amount of backstory as it gives us a backstory to one of the greatest movie villains of all times, Darth Vader, although I've never understood why Lucas felt we needed to know his origin. Knowing he was once a cute, blond-haired muppet who loved his mum and built droids in his spare time only to later develope an oedipus complex for a much older woman doesn't enhance his character, if anything knowing he was a whiney know-it-all just makes him seem rather pathetic. Same goes for Obi Wan, as a wise old master Jedi he's fascinating, knowing he was a rather inept Jedi apprentice prone to emotional outbursts just weakens his character.

My advice stick to the original three movies and avoid EVERY thing else that's been made since, especially the endless TV shows, which have only distilled the franchise to the turgid sludge of tedium it is now. 

V. Poor. 3/10

#35: THE FALL GUY

 

STARRING: Ryan Gosling, Emily Blunt, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Hannah Waddingham, Teresa Palmer, Stephanie Hsu and Winston Duke. Written by Drew Pearce. Directed by David Leitch. Budget $150 million. Running time 126 minutes.

The plot sees Colt returning to the role of stuntman after suffering a near-fatal injury on another film when doubling for arrogant action film star, Tom Ryder, Aaron Taylor-Johnson. It turns out he's gone missing from the set of his latest action film, Metalstorm which is being directed by Colt's ex-girlfriend Jody Moreno. Colt is sent out to find him on the orders of the film's producer, Hannah Waddingham's Gail Myer, who warns Colt that Ryder has fallen in with some rather unsavoury drug people. 

What follows is a series of outlandish stunts and action beats sandwiched between over-the-top violence and death-defying stunts until the insane final act showdown, where all is resolved and we're treated to a cameo, which judging from audience I saw this with went right over their heads.

For the first 30 odd minutes this is an absolute delight, Ryan Gosling's natural charm is infectious and the chemistry between him and Emily Blunt is almost intoxicating. The humour is relaxed and not forced and the whole thing is carried effortlessly by Gosling. Sadly though, the film suddenly becomes a slam-blam action romp after Colt Seavers, our hero is drugged in a nightclub and it all starts to feel a little forced. When the over complicated plot kicks in and the coincidences and plot contrivances start mounting you find yourself missing the incredibly sweet romance between Colt and Emily Blunt's character, director Jody Moreno. Plus there's a whole sequence in the trailer, that of Gosling's Colt Seavers riding a scooter that isn't in the film and that niggles me greatly. There's also a savageness to the violent action, of the bad guys that feels misplaced and far too brutal. Luckily Colt never kills anyone, but violence feels way off balance. Hannah Waddingham is great as the uber-frenetic producer, but as the plot reveals its secrets the whole film becomes a ridiculous farce that builds to an utterly stupid third act film within a film that derails the whole movie.

It's fun and frantic but the plot overwhelms everything. Hollywood did this far better with the superb and long forgotten 1978 Burt Reynolds film, Hooper directed by Hal Needham, which celebrated the role of the stuntman in a far more fun way.

Anyway, this was okay, if a little long. 

7/10

#34: BOY KILL WORLD

 

STARRING: Bill Skarsgard, Jessica Rothe, Michelle Dockery, Famke Janssen, Sharlto Copley, Brett Gelman, Isaiah Mustafa and Andrew Koji, Yayan Ruhian and the voice of H. Jon Benjamin. Story by Arend Remmers and Moritz Mohr, screenplay by Tyler Burton Smith and Arend Remmers. Produced by Sam Raimi and Directed by Moritz Mohr. Running time 111 minutes.

Set in the near future this comedy action romp sees Skarsgard plays Boy, a deaf mute boy whose mother and sister, Mina was killed years earlier by the Can Der Koy family headed by Famke Janssen's Hilda. Boy escaped into the forest to be raised and trained to be the ultimate killer by Yayan Ruhian's Shaman. Now years later he sets off on the revenge trail to kill everyone, including Can Der Koy's top female henchwoman and killer, the crash helmeted June 27, Jessica Rothe.

What follows is a relentless, chaotic, vertigo inducing, frenzied gratuitous orgy of ultra violence and blood letting, filmed and edited as if played back at high speed. The cutting is so furious and kinetic that it's almost impossible to see what's going on. The conceit of Boy's deafness is mostly ignored and because our hero is the so-called action hero is mute it's left to everyone else to propel the overly complicated plot along with over-the-top delivery and overly dramatic characters. 

Once again, it's one of those films whose trailer is far more enjoyable than the finished product. 

It probably doesn't help that I watched this before Commando but wrote this review after, because in comparison, this, Boy Kills World is just all style and no content. And two days later I can barely remember a thing about it, aside from some truly over the top kills and some relentless non-stop action sequences that the John Wick films pioneered and did far better.

Left nearly two hours later, weary and a little bored. 

6/10

#33: NYE

 

Starring Michael Sheen, written by Tim Price.

Not a film, nor a theatre play but something all-together different. This was a profoundly moving and engrossing experience. Sheen was utterly mesmerising and was ably supported by a superb cast. The film presented mostly as a fever dream following his operation for a suspected stomach ulcer that revealed something far more serious, the film flows through key moments in his life from naive youth to eager student and dedicated but flawed political legend to his death.

The performance left many in the audience around me sobbing and it's hardly surprising, I'm not entirely comfortable with live theatre and this was only the second NFT performance I've ever seen, the first being Frankenstein, which was equally powerful. 

This was brilliantly mounted and staged and left me moved and inspired and made me want to see more. I found it extremely moving in a way I found truly unique and special. I was amazed at the sheer skill of Sheen and left the cinema with a new respect for theatre.  

10/10

#32: MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Starring Charlize Theron, Tom Hardy, Nicholas Hoult and Hugh Keays-Byrne. Written by Brendan McCarthy, Nick Lathouris, George Miller and Eric Blakeney. Directed by George Miller. Budget $185 million dollars. 2 hours all too short. Originally released in 2015

Since it was first released I have seen this film three times at the cinema and at least three times on Blu Ray at home. I remain stunned and staggered by its pure cinematic uniqueness. The plot is more linear than a straight line and goes from A-B and back again and offers us what is actually one continuous car-chase, but a car chase like you've never seen the likes of. It is a truly stunning 2-hour adrenalin filled kinetic experience that still leaves you dazed and shell-shocked by its sheer scope and and yet still manages to provide story arcs for its  

Despite being titled Mad Max: Fury Road, the main focus is Charlize Theron's Furiosa, Nicholas Hoult's Nux and Tom Hardy's Max in third place, and yet incredibly for such a linear and relatively short film each manages to have a story to tell, and an arc, and are changed by the experience, quite an extraordinary achievement for what should be a brain-dead, action, summer blockbuster and indeed in a lesser director's hands, say Michael Bay it would be. 

Back in 2015 this was without a doubt the best action film of that year and I'd say it's still the best action film I've seen in the last nine years and easily one of the greatest action films ever made. I avoided the 3D version and now I regret it. This needs to be seen on the biggest screen possible! And I want to see it again on the IMAX in 3D!

Huge kudos to George Miller who made this. He created this genre with Mad Max back in 1979 and comes back to show the world he's still da king! I for one pray to the non-existent god I don't believe in that Miller sticks to making more [insert superlative of your own choice here] films like this one and less festering, stinking mush like Happy Feet.

By the way, the first Mad Max film was the second 'X' film I ever saw at the cinema, I was 15. and I can still remember it to this day, I'm fairly sure that 36 years from now I'll be just as fond of Fury Road, assuming I survive the apocalypse and can find enough gazoleen to power my generator and run my TV and Blu Ray player.

10/10

#35: COMMANDO

 

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Welles. Written by Steven E. de Souza, from a story by Joseph Loeb III, Matthew Weisman and Steven E. de Souza. Music by James Horner. Produced by Joel Silver. Directed by Mark L. Lester. Budget $9 million. Running time 90 minutes. Originally released in 1985.

All together now: "CHENNY, CHENNY! DEY TOOKE CHENNY!"

God I love this stupid, stupid film, it's perhaps the most over-the-top action film ever made starring the greatest action film actor of all times, produced by the greatest action film producer and with the greatest sound track. It's also the only film made with an actual testosterone budget, which this film blew by 110%! 

In fact it's a film so action-packed I should think of writing this plot in caps only. 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER PLAYS JOHN MATRIX, RETIRED MAJOR OF A DELTA FORCE SQUAD, WHO'S FORCED OUT OF RETIREMENT WHEN HIS DAUGHTER, CHENNEY, ALYSSA MILANO IS KIDNAPPED BY A MERCENARY ARMY LEAD BY VERNON WELLS' CAPTAIN BENNETT, UNDER THE ORDERS OF DAN HEDAYA'S PRESIDENT ARIUS. TURNS OUT MATRIX STAGED A COUP THAT LEAD TO THE OUSTING OF ARIUS, AND HE WANTS HIS STATE BACK. HIS PLAN IS TO FORCE MATRIX TO KILL THE NEW PRESIDENT, OH AND THAT'S IT. HOWEVER, EVER RESOURCEFUL JOHN MATRIX TRICKS THE BADDIES INTO THINKING HE'S ON THE MISSION WHEN HE'S ACTUALLY HUNTING THEM AND HE'S GOT 11 HOURS TO SAVE THE DAY. ALONG THE WAY HE KIDNAPS RAE DAWN CHONG'S AIR STEWARDESS, CINDY TO HELP HIM. ALL THIS PREAMBLE IS JUST TO GET ARNIE TO ARIUS'S ISLAND MILITARY BASE, WHERE HIS ARMY IS WAITING TO INVADE, SO HE CAN LITERALLY KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WITH EVERY WEAPON KNOW TO MAN, FROM BAZOOKA TO MACHINE GUN, PISTOL, SHOTGUN, ZOMBIE KNIFE, MACHETTE TO BUZZ SAW BLADES AND A GARDEN HOE. 

Added to the mix IS a glorious army of hard-men lead by Bill Duke and David Patrick Kelly and a nameless army of stunt men to be blown up, shot and stabbed to death for 90 beautifully tight and well plotted minutes. Perfectly following the Syd Field three act structure to a tee, this really is the most fun action film you could imagine. Arnie who the previous year had made: Terminator, was about to embark on the three film run of glorious action films that included Raw Deal, Predator and Running Man and was well on his way of cementing his reputation as the greatest action actor of ALL-TIME!

Mark Lester the film's director would go on to direct a further 15 movies, but none of them would be as beloved. But for me the true unsung hero of the film is uber-Producer Joel Silver who, from 1985 to 1993 produced a staggering tally of great films that included Lethal Weapon 1,2 &3, Predator 1&2, Action Jackson, Die Hard, Hudson Hawk, the Last Boy Scout and Demolition Man to name but a few.

What makes this film stand out against action films of today, like say, Boy Kills World, is the camera work, the editing and the approach to the action. It's not shaky-cam, the editing isn't insanely frenzied and it's framed so you can actually see what's going on. And then there's the superb soundtrack by James Horner.

Added to that is a script with a good dose of humour and some terrific one liners, "You know when I said, I'd leave you till last, Sully...", "I eat Green Berets for breakfast." or "Let off some steam, Bennett.", you can see Arnie still learning his craft here, but he's a fast learner and just a year or two later he's making Predator. But it's the fetishistic gun-porn and violence that just makes Commando so unapologetically enjoyable. With a bodycount in the hundreds and ten times that many in blood squibs, I would indeed argue that Commando is easily the most delightfully violent film of all times! Indeed it's such an immensely satisfying and enjoyable movie that I've lost count of the number of times I've seen over the years. And once again, how wonderful to see it on the big screen again! In fact, I don't think I've seen it on the big screen since 1985!

9/10!