#81: ONE NIGHT ONLY

 

STARRING: Monica Barbaro and Callum Turner. Also featuring Maya Hawke, Molly Ringwald and LeVar Burton. Written by Travis Braun. Directed by Will Gluck. Budget $25 million. Running time 102 minutes. 

It's the near future and in America the ultra right have won the election and control the country. Their first move is to instigate a total 'no sex before marriage' mandate banning premarital sex. The entire population has been tattooed with a tattoo that changes colour meaning if it's red you can't have sex, and if it's green you can. If you're married you can have sex whenever you want, but if you're single you have to wait for that one day of the year when for 12 hours you can have sex with anyone you like as long as it's consensual. And on that very special day we meet Allie (Monica Barbaro) an aspiring jingle singer with performance issues and jug-eared Owen (Callum Turner) who owns and runs his own pizzeria called Claremont. He's a hopeless romantic waiting to propose to his girlfriend of three years on the night the whole country goes fuck-crazy, while Allie wants to find something more than just a meaningless shag. He finds out his girlfriend wants a hall-pass for meaningless sex with someone else and Allie just wants the D.  Throughout the evening these two cross paths more often than is normal, I mean be it the waiting room of a police station, in the queue to buy the last remaining condom in the city, at a private invite only party for the hottest pop singer in the business, or literally on the street corner, it's almost like fate had commanded these two be together. What follows is the classic Boy meets girl, loses girl, meets another girl, while girl meets another boy, both lose respective boys and girls before meeting other boys and girls before losing those before reuniting with original girl, in his case, before realising they want the other but then losing each other before the happy ending. And oddly enough it's that happy ending that's missing. For a film obsessed with meaningless sex with random strangers this is a film that's ridiculously chaste when it comes to the two leads making the beast with two backs, because when push almost become thrust (or shove) and with literally minutes left on the clock before the no sex rule kicks back in again, these two lug heads decide to wait another year before playing 'let's hide the salami.' because if something is good it's worth waiting for. And the strange thing is that this last minute cock block just reinforces the whole celibacy until married conceit. And while the chant from all the insanely horny sex-upped singletons throughout the film is "FUCK THE MANDATE!" except for our two leads who when we join them a year later, living together the message seems to be, "It's better to wait." Mixed. Fucking. Messaging.

What a weird little film this is. The two leads who are as horny as fuck and twice as sexy are so chaste they could have stepped out of a Hallmark flick. Callum Turner as jug-eared as he is, is nevertheless easy on the eye, as is Moncia Barbaro whose plunging halter-top silver mini dress is silver revelation excude sex appeal by the bucket load and have lovely chemistry and charm to boot but it's all above the waist and the nearest we get to any sex is no-tongue kissing and not a single nork grope, or bum squeeze.  

Also, the logic and complex set-up makes this whole world seem utterly implausible. It's like a reverse Handmaids Tale of sexual politics. Both Allie and Owen have sexless encounters throughout the evening but neither has sex, saving themselves for the other at the climax of the film and it all feels so virginal. Mildly amusing, some of the situations and characters they encounter raise a smile, perhaps none more so than when LeVar Burton and Owen's mum, Molly Ringwald who hook up for some bubblewrap kinky sex. But that's about it for fun, or sex. With neither a bare bum, or boob, save for one chaste sidebob, to see, there's no sex, or nudity, which is weird in a film about meaningless sex. 

It's all so toothless and sweet. 5/10

   

#80: COYOTE VS. ACME

 

STARRING: Will Forte, Lana Condor, Tone bell, Luis Guzman, Martha Kelly, P.J. Byrne, Eric Bauza, Kenneth Choi and John Cena. Screenplay by Samy Burch. Story by James Gunn, Jeremy Slater and Samy Burch. Directed by Dave Green. Budget #72 million. Running time 103 minutes. 

Think of this as the 21st Century response to the utterly superb 1988 Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Set in the present and featuring a world where cartoon characters and humans co-exist side-by-side in harmony.

The plot sees Wile E. Coyote decide to hire the services of a small law firm, Avery, Jones & Maltese to sue ACME – the ubiquitous industrial complex that creates devices for cartoon charactors. After decades of failing to capture the Road Runner, the Coyote decides the defective ACME products he's been using, are responsible and sets out to sue ACME for damages, setting in motion the court case of the century. But as Kevin Avery (Will Forte) and his niece, Paige Avery (Lana Condor) start to investigate they uncover a conspiracy decades in the making, leading ACME's head lawyer, Buddy Crane (John Cena) to go on the attack. Leading to a dramatic race to a congressional investigation, where the Road Runner will testify, assuming he lives long enough...

Funny, meta, packed with gags, visual and verbal and enough Easter Eggs to keep even the most hardened fans of the Warner Bros. cartoons happy, this was an absolute hoot! The animation is top notch and the the cast list of legendary WB characters includes Bugs, Daffy, Tweety, Sylvester, Porky, Foghorn and even includes a legendary 1930s character actor by the name of Lorre. 

I've not laughed this much at a film in ages, it's such a playful, joyful and funny film that doesn't pander, doesn't preach and still packs a rather sweet little ending. 

Sadly, this is going to tank and tank hard. Its story to the big screen is worthy of a film in its own right. Originally scheduled for deletion back in 2023 as part of a tax write off, that included Batgirl, the film was rescued and sold off, but released at the tail end of August with an almost non-existent press campaign, which is a great shame because this was a terrifically funny flick, it's got heart, silliness and some brilliant gags. 

If you love the films of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones Go and see it, you'll love it. The characterisation of Wile E. Coyote is spot on, and he stays utterly true to his cartoon origins. The animation is a treat and really looks hand-drawn, John Cena continues to show his comedic chops but gets a little sidetracked. And finally fantastic to see Leghorn Foghorn back in action. 

9/10   

#79: TRAINSPOTTING

STARRING: Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Kevin McKidd, Robert Carlyle, Kelly MacDonald, Peter Mullan, Eileen Nicholas, Shirley Henderson, James Cosmo, Kevin and Keith Allen. Screenplay by John Hodge. Based on the book by Irvine Welsh. Cinematography by Brian Tufano and edited by Masahiro Hirakubo. Directed by Danny Boyle. Budget £1.5 million. Box office takings £48 million. Running time 93 minutes. Originally released in 1996.

It's 30 years since this film first debuted and I can still remember it vividly, it's one that has stayed with me all these years, so the chance to revisit it on the big screen was too much to resist. But, has it stood the test of time, or has it become jaded and old? It's funny, but the same week I watched this again and I've seen both Ewan Mcgregor and Kelly MacDonald in new stuff, The End of Oak St. for him and the new Lanterns show for her.

The Trainspotting plot is told from the point of view of Renton (McGregor) and starts off as an apparent love letter to the joys of heroin and drug taking and a rejection of normality, a carrion call to reject 'life' and embrace the joys of smack, but it soon becomes clear that Renton is lying to himself and he desperately tries to crack his addiction. The trouble is, his whole life and all of his friends are involved in one way or another and every time he seems to get clear he falls back into his old ways, leading to one final attempt to escape his chaotic life. 

By god this is a great film, directed with true passion and energy by Danny Boyle. Brilliantly edited, and photographed. The soundtrack – a compilation album of bangers perfectly captures the mood and spirit of the times. The writing is sharp, funny and crisp, capturing Renton's inner monologue perfectly. But it's the acting that truly elevates this to something special. The six young leads are just note perfect, McGregor has a lot of carrying to do and he does it with effortless skill. Robert Carlyle's Begbie is one of cinema's greatest villains and the menace and violence he brings to the role is outstanding. Jonny Lee Miller's James Bond obsessed Sick Note brings both pathos and humour. while Ewen Bremner's Spud, perhaps the film's funniest character is also its saddest, although Kevin McKid's Tommy is by far the most tragic. 

This is a film that starts off by telling us the reason kids do drugs, and in particular heroin, is because it feels so good, but which never glamourises or sensationalises drug use, it just shows the reality, of five friends lying on the floor of a drug den littered in fag butts and discarded needles in slums lost in a bliss-filled haze of a drug rush. 

This is a funniest, intense and sobbering film that's lost none of its power and feels as fresh today as it did back in 1986. This new 4K restored version of the film presents an Edinburgh that is hideous in tooth and claw, which only helps to make the whole experience feel even more real. If you get a chance go and see the sort of film 'they' just don't make any more. 

10/10

 

#78: MUTINY

 

STARRING: Jason Statham, Annabelle Wallis, Roland Møller and Adrian Lester. Written by Lindsay Michel and J.P. Davis. Directed by Jean-Francois Richet. Budget $50 million. Running time 95 minutes.

Jason's job in this new outing is bodyguard and chauffeur to shipping magnate, Tibor (Ramon Tikaram). Jason or Cole Reed as he's known in this outing has naturally a hidden past, he used to be not only a commando, a special forces operative but also a policeman, highly decorated, stoic, deadly serious, driven, committed, lethal, dangerous, fighter, loner, chess-champion, and most importantly one-man-killing machine. So when his surrogate father figure Tibor gets killed on his watch during a botched kidnapping attempt, that sees Cole framed for the murder of Tibor and death of four policemen and the small army of thugs out to kill Tibor he does the only thing he can. He goes undercover as a sailor on a shipping container ship Tibor owned to find out why Tibor was killed.

That's the plot, sort of, there's other stuff too, a container holds trafficked people who a bunch of pirates want, but mostly it's just Cole on a ship killing off the 20+ sailors under the stewardship of villainous Captain Marko Madsen (Roland Møller), who it turns out had something to do with the killing of Cole's dad some years earlier. Added to the mix is 3rd Mate Angie Ellis (Annabelle Wallis) shoe-horned into the script because the focus group that shaped and moulded this felt it was a little sausage heavy. So in comes Angie who's more than capable of fighting and killing with impunity.

And so with the scenario set up and the plot running it's just a case of watching JS butcher 20 odd men using his fists, feet, and whatever guns, knives, hay hooks and harpoon guns that come his way. 

But unlike his previous cinematic outing's character, Shelter's Michael Mason, Cole Reed isn't invulnerable and actually gets stabbed in the chest, top left, which after a minimal bleed does no more than to make him even more peevish. 

Then it's Die Hard on a boat, or Underseige: The Remake, as Cole just does his thing in confined spaces before finally confronting Marko Madsen for one last fight. then it's back to Far East to get revenge on the man who set the whole film in motion. 

If you've read enough of my posts you know I like Jason Statham films and this is no exception. It's vicious, nasty, and surprisingly violent. The action isn't edited to death and the gore and injury details are surprisingly not skimped on. This isn't big or clever, it's not creating something new, and it most certainly isn't reinventing the wheel. There's no humour to undercut the violence and the only one liner we get is Cole thanking Tibor for gifting him a Rolex watch that enables Cole to unscrew some screws. 

Like all Statham films it's not big, or clever, it just gets the job done. Bish Bosh. And unlike the American based adventures, he gets to keep his British accent. 

6/10 

 

#77: TONY

 

STARRING: Dominic Sessa, Emilia Jones, Dagmara Dominczyk, Rich Sommer, Stavros Halkias, Leo Woodall and Antonio Banderas. Written by Matt Johnson, Matthew Mller, Todd Bartels and Lou Howe. Directed by Matt Johnson. Running time 106 minutes. 

It's 1975 and Jaws is playing in a double bill with the classic Charles Bronson movie, Violent City, while staggeringly creepy 19-year old Vassar College student, Anthony 'Tony' Bourdain (Dominic Sessa)lies to everyone he meets, knows or has even the merest of interactions with that he's a budding writer and winner of a writing scholarship, even his family. Latching on with all the focus of a laser guided missile, Tony fixates on fellow student Nancy Putkoski (Emilia Jones) and follows her to Provincetown in Massachusetts, for the summer, after stealing a couple of hundred dollars from his doting father. Once in Provincetown, Tone gets pissed, runs up a debt in a lobster restaurant called the Flagship, loses all his money, gets beaten up and knocked unconscious. In the morning he wakes up in a hammock on the back porch of the kindly owner of the Flagship (Antonio Banderas) and blags himself a job as a dishwasher where he slowly befriends the gang of psychopaths and maniacs who work in the kitchen. Every morning the unnamed Flagship owner throws a bucket of water over Tony, who then spends the day, smoking, taking drugs and flirting with Nancy. All the while Tone pretends to be a writer while not writing anything while secretly observing the practices of the kitchen. Finally he convinces the owner to open a special Friday night dinner service and serve lobster thermidor to impress Nancy, so he can shag her, and ends up burning down the restaurant. Which naturally upsets Antonio who tells Tone he was going to offer him a full time job. To repay the kindly old man, Tone and his junkie friend break into Antonio's house, steal a cooking book and stage a clam bake BBQ on the beach pretending to raise money to rebuild the Flagship. Happily the two young men collect a huge amount of money for 'charity' when Antonio arrives and Tone decides to make amends for being an absolute shitberg for the previous 100 minutes and sods off to culinary school in New York, but only after reuniting with his family so they can forgive him for stealing and running away. Before a series of captions tell us that the real life Anthony Bourdain went on to write a book about kitchens and travel the world. 

And that's it plot wise.

This is a tonally weird film about a miserable, self-obsessed teenage arsehole who thinks the fucking world owes him a living. Convinced of his own greatness and happy to roll over anyone he chooses and to lie, steal and cheat to get what he wants, the young Bourdain is a thoroughly unlikable little shit played horribly by Dominic Sessa who makes Bourdain appear to be a serial killer in training. He spends the whole film looking dirty, unkempt and disgusting, he's a boy who never bathes or brushes his teeth. All he does is stalk Nancy and try and groom her into having sex with him. He spends every second he is with her staring at her as if she's a piece of meat he's about to fillet. Every moment Sessa takes the stage you find yourself subconsciously scratching and fantasying about having a wash once the film is over. 

At no point does Bourdain become even remotely likeable and his grubby, greedy, self-obsessed narcissism becomes quite exhausting. The film presents him as a loner, a rebel destined for greatness but Sessa who spends the film slumped over like a hunchback and peering through greasy curly bangs is so unlikeable there's never any chance you'll buy into his self-obsessed bullshit. 

As an award-winning TV chef, I love a film about cooking but it seems the only nation capable of creating fantastic films about cooking are the French. For comparison, the French gave us the exquisite fare like The Taste of Things, about a banquet of fine wine and food while the yanks gave us Chef, about a food van selling cheese toasties. In fact the best movie America has ever given us about food was The Menu.

Because Sessa's Bourdain is so sleazy and unlikeable you spend the film wanting the foppish haired twat to fail, you're practically egging him on to so so in spectacular fashion, however, when the fail finally arrives late in the third act, it's handled with all the finese of a dine and dash. It's clumsy and implausible, he apparently doesn't realise that throwing buckets of water over an oil fire isn't a good idea and only succeeds in setting fire to the restaurant. Thank fuck then for Antonio who at least offers a subtle masterclass in less is more acting, but that's really about all I've got to praise it. 

It looks okay, some of the scenery is nice but that's all it really has going for it. I think a film following Bourdain after he leaves culinary school for his journey round the world would have been more interesting. Not so this, which arrives with all the pomp and ceremony of a disappointing desert.

6/10

#75 & 76: THE END OF OAK STREET. Revisited

 REVISITED

STARRING: Anne Hathaway, Ewan McGregor, Maisy Stella and Christian Convery. Produced by J.J. Abrams, Hannah Minghella, Jon Cohen, David Robert Mitchell, Matt Jackson and Tommy Harper. Written and directed by David Robert Mitchell. Budget $92 million. Running time 99 minutes. 

Can't help thinking the people who churn out the utterly turgid Jurassic Park films must be slapping their foreheads in disbelief and shouting, "So, that's how you do a dinosaur movie!", their last film – the 2025 woeful Jurassic World Rebirth cost a genuinely staggering $254 million dollars to make, while this one a 'mere' $92 million, which in comparison is low budge and ten times better!

It's 1982 and life, or so it seems is good in the Oak Street neighbourhood, there's a massive street party underway and everything seems wonderful and everyone seems happy, although scratch the surface of Platt family, Denise and Gret Platt (Anne Hathaway and Ewan McGregor) and you can easily see their marriage is on the rocks and their two children, Audrey and Brian (Maisy Stella and Christian Convery) know it. Greg's hiding a secret – that he's lost his job and trying to make ends meet by working as a pizza delivery boy and she's an aspiring novelist who's written something wonderful using her own family as her inspiration. Then one night during a particularly violent lighting and thunder storm, the entire neighbourhood is transported via a worm hole, or ball, back 65 millions years ago to the Cretaceous Period and the family find themselves fighting for their lives as the neighbourhood goes to the dinasours. As their neighbours get whittled down and the family dog goes missing, the family naturally, because it's a film, split up and go off looking for him leading to a genuinely scary sequence that just keeps building. Finally our nuclear family piece together what's happening and how to get home and then late into the third act, something truly shocking and unexpected happens and the stakes rise meteorically leading to a superb third act that does not disappoint. 

Who would have thought dinosaurs could be scary, taking place mostly in the day light, these beasties are feathered, ugly and unbelievably lethal. The action builds nicely and as the town is reduced to a burning ruin, our family keep running looking for a way out. This feels like a Spielberg film, hardly surprising since this is a Bad Robot Production and one of the producers is J.J. Abrams, who for a long time was hailed as the next Spielberg, much in the same way Christopher Nolan is called the next Kubrick.  

This looks, feels and sounds like a Spielberg film, it's packed full 1980s elements, like kids riding their BMX bikes around the neighbourhood, 8-tracks, Battlestar Galactica movie posters, typewriters, and not a mobile phone in sight! Kids take centre stage for much of this and are deeply annoying at times, asking stupid questions, taking ridiculous risks and running off whenever the plot needs them to. 

Overall this was a thoroughly enjoyable, action-packed, dramatic and emotional romp, a true rollercoaster of excitement and one that utterly nails the landing. What an utter treat. Sure without Jurassic Park, we wouldn't have this, but boy what we do have is a dinosaur film that's actually scary.

Do yourself a favour and pay Oak Street a visit, you won't regret it!

8/10

REVISITED
Back from seeing this for the second time, I dragged Petra. So, what was it like second time round? 

Don't get me wrong the dinosaur bits are still great, the whole third act is a hoot and it sure is exhilarating, it's just that there are elements that really drag this down and those elements are the family at the centre of it all. Them and more importantly all the male characters in this film – from Ewan McGregor's Greg, to Brian, his idiot son (Christian Convery), their next door neighbour, Mel (P.J. Byrne) and any other random male we see are all stupid, pathetic and ineffective. While every single woman is dynamic, go-getting, pro-active and the utter opposite of pathetic. Denise (Anne Hathaway) is an uber girl-boss in the mould of Alien's Ripley, who shots and fights her way to victory, while their daughter, Audrey (Maisy Stella) is the brain box able to offer her expert opinion on wormholes and quantum physics. Greg is a milk-sop, weak, wimpy, pathetic, he acts like an anchor slowing them all down, offering empty hope and platitudes, while Brian, the boy child, is just there to put himself and his family in constant jeopardy, and whine incessantly and it grates, boy does it grate. Actually, I really wanted Brian to die horribly. He spends the whole film running round the town armed with a child's bow and arrow set and feebly fires arrows at everything missing every single time. That said, he does happen to hit the side of a barn with an arrow, but that's from inside the barn and the wall is behind the dinosaur that's trying to eat him. Oh, how I screamed for that dinosaur to tear his stupid face off, but sadly Brian survived, only to fall off a roof at the most  in-opportune moment, putting his whole family in danger - AGAIN! Although I don't suppose there's a right time to fall off a roof. 

There's also a bizarre lack of other people in this world, when the Pratt [sic] family first realise what the fuck is going on, they go exploring and beside one single neighbour going to work, there is simply no other living person in this neighbourhood. Finally as the film progresses we see bodies and the occasional group of dinosaur fast food (slow-running packs of humans), and corpses but that's it, I think this would have been better if the neighbours had banded together to survive and then been whittled down. 

As we walked home, Pet and I talked about the film and both agreed that the one thing both the children needed was a bloody good thrashing, Greg and Denise are dreadful parents and I for one wish the bastard dinosaurs had eaten them all.

FINALLY, one really important thing for anyone with young children to know. THIS isn't the film for your under 12s, stop bringing them. yet again a performance marred by frightened children who had to be 'rescued' by their parents because this is too violent. It's a 12A for a goddam reason you stupid shits. 

That said, despite the pathetic males, and the annoying family, this was still loads of fun. And more importantly, Pet loved it and gave it an 8/10 so who am I to disagree, 8/10 it remains.

  

#74: SUNNY DANCER

 

STARRING: Bella Ramsey, Daniel Quinn-Toye, Ruby Stokes, Earl Cave, Jasmine Elcock, Conrad Khan, Jessica Gunning, James Norton and Neil Patrick Harris. Written and directed by George Jaques. Running time 106 minutes. 

Ivy (Bella Ramsey) is 10 months into her cancer remission, but living effectively as a shut-in with her loving and supporting parents, Bob and Karen (James Norton and Jessica Gunning) home. Abandoned by her old friends and suffering from survivor guilt, she's terrified of living prompting her parents to enrol her into a four week chemo camp with other cancer survivors, and off she goes reluctantly, defiant and determined not to enjoy it or fit in. But once there she quickly makes friends with a group of young wacky teenagers on the cusp of adulthood including Jake (Daniel Quinn-Toye), Ella (Ruby Stokes), Ralph (Earl Cave), Maisie (Jasmine Elcock) and Archie (Conrad Khan) and locking horns with camp commander Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris) the well-meaning rule obsessed and overly cheerful ruler of the camp who naturally becomes her nemesis, until his tragic background cracks Ivy's cynical nature and she begins to emerge from her emotional cocoon. The film broken down into chapters named after each week follows the group as they bond over the four weeks on an overnight camping trip, a day out to a local funfair, go skinny-dipping, fall in love and battle a gang of normals who make the mistake of insulting them leading to a funny punch up. All these events bring the gang of five together and create a bond that only death will end. 

The film offers nothing new and it's tropes and beats are what you'd expect from a coming-to-age comedy/drama about cancer, and yet it's an engaging, funny and kind film. Watching these young people connect and bond is quite powerful, particularly when they gingerly talk about their own cancer experiences. Likewise the relationship between Ivy and Ella, Ivy's room mate is charming and funny. There's no 3rd act fall-out for this gang of survivors, although the film does deal an emotional gut punch in the third act which is quite clumsily telegraphed and in hindsight unnecessary. 

It also does something quite, quite extraordinary, it made me like Bella Ramsey. I find her performance in both the Last of Us and Game of Thorns awful and yet she's expected to carry most of the heavy emotional luggage in this film and does so with grim determination. The rest of the cast are fun and my personal favourite was Ruby Stokes who was genuinely funny. And I think this is saved by being a UK film and not American one, so it avoids giving the young cast lessons to learn, or a bully to thwart or overcome and allows the 17 year-olds to engage in a very touching and sweet sex scene.

Despite some rough edges and clunky direction from director and writer George Jaques, plus some continuity errors that jar, this film also suffers from an over abundance of Ikea dressed sets, which pull you out of the film.

Overall, this is a kind, gentle and fun film about surviving cancer that only suffers from the need to pour on the pathos in the third act, which feels there just to give Bella one last chance to cry and emote. 

8/10