#57: DISCLOSURE DAY

 

STARRING: Emily Blunt, Josh O'Connor, Colin Firth, Eve Hewson, Colman Domingo, Wyatt Russell, Henry Lloyd-Hughes and Elizabeth Marvel. Screenplay by David Koepp. Music by John Williams. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Budget $115 million. Running time 145 minutes. 

Cybersecurity expert Daniel Kellner (Josh O'Connor) is on the run with his ex-nun girlfriend Jane Blankenship (Eve Hewson) from Wardex Corp's Noah Scanlon (Colin Firth) and his private army of storm troopers and tech team. It turns out that Daniel has stolen a vast cache of UFO data and is threatening to expose it. Meanwhile Kansas City TV weather girl, Margaret Fairchild (Emily Blunt) seems to be having a nervous breakdown, when live on TV she starts talking in guttural clicks and whistles, not only that but she can talk fluently in foreign languages she couldn't speak before and she can read minds too! Anyway, these two crazy kids are on the lame and being chased by Noah and his gang of corporate thugs and desperate to meet up with Hugo Wakefield (Colman Domingo) who used to work with Noah at Wardex, that is till he defected and set up a force to combat his old boss and expose the secrets of alien visitations. 

Now, against the backdrop of an impending World War, our two plucky heroes must dodge pursuit, meet up, unlock their shared childhood traumas and somehow find out what the ruddy hell is going on!

And such is the plot of Steven Spielbergs' 37th feature film. This was a gripping and exciting science fiction thriller that starts brilliantly well and very nearly scores a perfect 10/10, but sadly an odd moment late in the third act stymied it for me, although not enough to ruin this wonderfully exhilarating film. Emily Blunt is the 100% the film's MVP, she is mesmerising, engaging and simply superb in the role of the Weather girl coming to terms with mysterious powers. Similarly, lug-eared Josh, rumoured to be in contention for the coveted role of Bond (God, I hope he doesn't get it), also delivers in the acting dept, his role, which starts as the main focus of the film, but slowly gives way to Emily Blunt as her significance becomes apparent. Also special mention to Colin Firth for once playing a villain who brings a genuine sense of sinister intent to the role.

Beautifully directed by Spielberg, that man really knows how to stage action set-pieces and how to block dialogue heavy exposition scenes. John Williams soundtrack sounds fresh and easily melts into the background becoming almost unheard and yet at the same time increasing the emotional pull of the film. A true master class in soundtracks. The script by David Koepp, from a story by Spielberg,  keeps on upping the ante and building to an almost satisfactory ending, the only fly in the ointment being the sudden and almost total disappearance of the bad guys in the final reveal. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this, scratch that, I bloody loved it and for once the payoff was compelling and profound, it's a brave director and writer who have the guts to show-and-tell, and it's pleasing to report that it doesn't let you down. Indeed, those two hours and 25 minutes flew by like an Unexplained Arial Phenomenon.

9/10

  

#56: SCARY MOVIE 6

 

STARRING: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Anna Faris and Regina Hall, there are many more actors but I can't be arsed to name them. Shat out by Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Craig Wayans and Rick Alverez. Directed by Michael Tiddes. Budget $30 million. Running time 96 minutes. 

This was the first Scary Movie I have ever seen and it will be the last. A more shit-stain of a film I cannot remember seeing in a very long time. I smiled twice at two 'jokes' and emitted a single 'ha' at another third joke about the film Ballerina. It is lazy, badly written, badly acted, badly directed, this not Ballerina. Although if you find the use of the 'N' word hilarious then this will be the film for you. Similarly if you like references to horror films from nine years ago then rest assured you'll be laughing yourself horse at this one. Likewise, if you find knife crime funny then oh boy are you in for a treat, it's the weapon of choice for all of the killings in the film and watching people getting stabbed to death is always funny. God. How I laughed. 

Taking references from not just horror films but also from another Wayan comedy from 2004 White Chicks, the Wayan brothers leave no stone unturned in their desperate search for something, anything, funny and they fail spectacularly, in fact they should be ashamed of what they have produced. It is grubby, ugly, and so packed full of feces that you can actually smell the stench of its achievements, it has not one ounce of merit in its far too long 96 minute running time. Long gone now the joys of the Airplane! movies that heralded the birth of the spoof film, of which this is supposedly one. Likewise gone the skill of the jokes and writing of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker who knew how to make a spoof. This is ghastly, shouty, crass, sloppy, and utterly inept. It is one second sleazy, then unnecessarily crude, then stupid, then racist or at least reverse racist, then just shit, the jokes are all cheap and, to coin a word like Trump - shit. Actually, so shit is this piece of crap that it is nothing more than an actual visual interpretation of the Bristol Stool chart - which is a medical poster that, through the use of images shows the viewer all the different types of shit a human can produce. I wouldn't be surprised if that chart didn't get updated with the poster of this film added to the pantheon of shit types, so utterly fecal this is. 

There is nothing, not one thing good to say about this shitty, crappy, film. It is made by talentless cretins for cretins. It has nothing, not one iota, to recommend it. In fact I feel more stupid for having seen it.

This might well be the worst comedy film I have ever seen. It most certainly is the second worst film of the year, the first being Melania. A bigger bag of utter shite I cannot remember seeing, this not that, although it's a close run thing. However, my mother always said that if you have nothing good to say then say nothing. So, I'm going to end my review with one good note, one I hope will be used on the poster.

This is an actual visual interpretation of a putrid toilet bowl of overflowing excrement. 

1/10
 

#55: SAVAGE HOUSE

 

STARRING: Richard E. Grant, Claire Foy, Reginald Halifax, Dorothy Neville, Kila Lord Cassidy,  Richard McCabe, Vicki Pepperdine,  Pip Torrens and Miles Jupp. Written by Peter Glanz. Directed by Peter Glanz. Produced by Peter Glanz. Edited by Peter Glanz. Music by Peter Glanz. Oh, and also produced by Oliver Roskill, Mark Hopkins, Dylan Maranda and Phillip Thomas. Cinematography by Adriano Goldman. Running time 114 minutes. 

During a pox outbreak and Jacobite uprising, whatever that means, in 1715, hideous social climber, cheating gambler, drunk and unbridled fornicator, Sir Chauncey Savage (Richard E. Grant) and his titled wife, Lady Savage (Claire Foy) spend their days in decadent excess shagging their staff, and squandering what little remains of her family fortune. Chauncey, once a begger has somehow managed to claw his way into the aristocracy, mostly by marrying her and has no intention of going back, sadly they're down to peddling the last of her jewels and antiques trying to keep Savage House going. With creditors and swindled business men hammering at their door, the future of Savage House rests on a letter sent by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire inviting themselves to dinner, which sets in motion a relentless string of incidents that includes murder, duels, amputations, deception, embezzlement, gout, greed, shagging, mice and surgical procedures.

In a nutshell imagine Barry Lyndon crossed with Draftsman's Contract by way of The Favourite and you'd still be no closer to whatever this is. Saved entirely by the cast, lead by the peerless coupling of Grant and Foy, whose film this is, and featuring a game cast of plucky English actors who are well up for a laff. 

Sadly, despite all that this film is a mess, with an ending so clumsy, anti-climatic and mishandled that it actually harms the film and robs it of a solid 8/10. There's just far too many plot points left unanswered, and far too many questions. Plot points arrive and lead one to imagine the film is going in one direction only for that plot point to be dropped in favour of another, and another, and another. Important incidents are hinted at and when they arrive they do so with all the drama of a dropped balloon. The film tries hard to be the next Barry Lyndon, with its use of candle lit scenes, or the pretence of, that it makes most of this look like a murky sepia stained shadow. That coupled with a truly invasive soundtrack, also by Peter Glanz that consists of the overuse of a crescendo of screening strings that drowns out the dialogue and feel more at home in a horror film, it conveys a sense of terrible foreboding and horror that just doesn't exist in this film, and is so intrusive that it pulled me out of the film entirely each time it's used, and it's used a lot.

For a long portion of the running time of the film I was fully onboard and invested but after just one too many plot misdirects and the bad ending my patience just snapped. 

I think the main problem lies exclusively in the hands of Peter Glanz, who wrote, directed, produced and edited this, as well as provided the music. And all that does it make it feel like the only voice heard on this film was Glanz, you can't help but think that if only someone else was there to say 'no' to some of his ridiculous plot points it might have made for a vastly more superior movie. 

Because there's something fantastic in this film, it's Grant and Foy, I've not seen Grant act this well in ages, and whereas he could have just reused the portrayal of Withnail, he instead opts to create an entirely new and truly unique and deeply unpleasant character in Chauncey. Likewise Foy shows some simply brilliant comedic chops and shows us she's not just the Queen. Special mention too to Jack Farthing as Chauncey's scheming man-service and valet, Reginald Halifax and Bel Powley as Lady Savage's Lady in Waiting, Dorothy Neville, who both bring some great performances. 

The thing is I bet there was a far better film that was left on the cutting room floor, because the cast are having the time of their lives and the number of forementioned undeveloped plot points.

Ultimately this gets a 7/10, but could have so easily have scored an 8 or 9 if only it had been better structured. 

#54: OBSESSION

 

STARRING: Michael Johnston, Inde Navarrette, Cooper Tomlinson, Megan Lawless and Andy Richter. Written and directed by Curry Barker. Budget $750,000. Box office to date $167 million. Running time 109 minutes.

Hollywood is in turmoil, all it's big budget epic blockblusters are crashing and burning in spectacular failure or under-performance while two little trains that can, this one, Obsession and Backrooms over performance like it's going out of fashion! In the case of the later it made 8 times it's budget in its opening weekend, while the former has so far taken $167 million off of a $750,000 budget, and that's simply astounding! Now, I'm not a huge fan of horror films, although that said I saw Weapons and Sinners last year and three so-called horror films this year, so far - Send Help, Ready or Not 2 and They Will Kill You. So, perhaps I'm warming to them again. 

So, what's the plot, Doc? Baron 'Bear' Bailey (Michael Johnston) is a nervous, pathetic, grubby wimp of a man working as a shop assistant in a music shop alongside his best friend, Ian (Cooper Tomlinson), Ian's girlfriend Sarah Harper (Megan Lawless) and Nikki Freeman (Inde Navarrette) whom Bear has a deeply felt crush for. Despite practicing asking her out, Bear chickens out when push comes to shove and she tells him she's going to quit the store and go travelling.  In desperation, Bear buys a Make a Wish novelty gift from one of those crystal and hippy shops and wishes that Nikki loves him more than anyone else in the world. Astonishingly his wish comes true and Nikki becomes horrifically and terrifyingly in love with him and his life starts to come apart at the seams as Nikki's truly obsessive love for him impacts every aspect of his life leading to a shocking display of increasing violence, death and brutal, brutal murder and a kicker of a punchline.

Written and directed by first time movie director, Curry Barker, this is a superbly unsettling, scary and vicious little horror film that just keeps upping the anti and keeping us on tender hooks. Full credit has to go to Inde Navarrette as Nikki who is simply incredible in the role. Leaping between love obsessed and frighteningly psychotic, sometimes second by second she brings a fantastic level of obsession to the role and the film works purely because of her. Far less successful is Michael Johnson as the utterly pathetic Bear Bailey who's just an utter and total pathetic waste of space. His decisions control the film and everything that happens is because of him. It doesn't help that he's such a wimp and looks like an even more wimpy Billy Crudup, nor does his lank, greasy, limp-haired topped mop of hair that sits slumped on top of his pasty and permanently sweaty face. You feel for her and hope that he gets his just deserts. Well, I'm not going to tell you here what happens, but believe me it's a doozy!

Well direction, and featuring some good cinematography, and an unsettling soundtrack filled with uncomfortable noises and sounds this was a damn fine horror film, vastly more traditional than the other blockbuster horror film Backrooms, but nevertheless deeply entertaining, oh and bloody gory!

8/10 

#53: MASTERBATORS OF THE UNIVERSE

 

STARRING: Nicholas Galitzine, Camila Mendes, Alison Brie, James Purefoy, Morena Baccarin, Jared Leto. Kirsten Wig and Idris Elba. Story by Aaron Nee, Adam Nee, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch. Screenplay by Chris Butler, Aaron and Adam Nee and David Callaham. Directed by Travis Knight. Budget $200 million. Running time an absolutely bum-numbing 140 minutes long.

Welcome to the cinematic adventures of HE/HIM-MAN, the second film to try and launch a film franchise out of the squat, plastic-muscle-bound lug. The first made in 1987 starred Dolph Lundgren as the hero and Frank Langella as Skeletor, the big bad skull-faced villian. Sadly that one was no masterpiece and so it's disappointing to reveal this ain't that much better, although its production values are vastly superior. 

The plot, and I hate to use that word for a film as lazy as this, sees our plucky hero Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) as a kid growing up in Eternia, but after Skeletor (Jared Leto) arrives with his army and lays waste to everything he's sent to Earth, along with his sword, by his mother to hide out. There 15 years pass in the blink of an eye and he grows up to be a whizz at HR but with an obsession with swords and he has this silly habit of telling everyone he meets he's from another world. Anyway he puts an ad out for the sword that's gone missing, finds it and ends up back in Eternia where he sets about defeating Skeletor. 

That's the plot. Original and radical it's not. Slow, ponderous and dull it is. Not only does this He/Him-Man have to put up with everyone dissing and mocking him both on Earth and Eternia, he's also got an excruciating annoying girl boss, Teela (Camila Mendes) the adoptive daughter of Man-at-Arms, Duncan (Idris Elba) who bosses him round, mocks him, and generally denigrates him and her now alcoholic father, plus he's the classic Woke Princess eager to resolve every confrontation by talking out his feelings, trouble is in this world, all that gets you is punched repeatedly in the face. As is the way with these sorts of films, Adam finally gets the sword and speaks the immortal words - "I have the power" and is finally transformed at the midway mark and then proceeds to beat the living shit out of everyone until he's captured at the end of Act 2 and loses his power and sword leading to the final showdown with Skeletor and one last valuable life lesson learned. 

This film has a strong streak of irony and humour at its core and its tongue firmly wedged in its cheek, but sadly not enough to save it. Not knowing if this is for a new generation of kids or the parents of said kids, the film is far too violent for its own good and both villains and heroes, or innocent bystanders get brutally murdered for a vast majority of this film, people get stabbed to death, crushed, shot or blasted to atoms every few minutes and just because it's all bloodless and consequence free doesn't make it sit any better. 

Tonally it bounces from humour to torture and violence like a pingpong ball and it's uncomfortable. There's plenty of humour mostly aimed at mocking He/Him-Man and that pales quickly. Looking vastly better than Mandy Lorean Groin Goo this at least looks the part and makes a convincing alien planet. Trouble is most of it is a pixelated blur of excess. 

I was struck by just how violent this was and wouldn't have felt comfortable if my boy had seen this when he was 8, which you'd assume was the target audience. 

Plot wise this is a terrible film, there's a ridiculouos scene in the end of the second act that sees He/Him-Boy reconnecting with this father, whose been Skeletor's prisoner for 15 years. He's buried in an avalanche of debris following a fight between the hero and villian and for a good five minutes, He/Him-Man and his dying dad have a long chat while Skeletor just stands there doing absolutely nothing. And in the dying seconds of the film you suddenly realise that Skeletor has no gameplan, no arc and no reason for existing other than to prove something for He/Him-Man to beat to death in the final boss fight portion of the film.

Every now and then it raises a titter of laughter but it's a real shame this film didn't just embrace the notion of He-Man and just launch into a rollicking adventure without shoe-horning in a visit to Earth and a hero reduced to a touchy-feelie emotionally fragile woke princess. 

Plus it's bloody long, which doesn't help. Still the effects are good, the make up great, Jared Leto as Skeletor is terrific and because he's buried beneath all that make up you don't need to see his face, and naturally Idris Elba deserves so much better. 

5/10 

#52: BACKROOMS

STARRING: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Renate Reinsve, Mark Duplass, Fin Bennett and Lukita Maxwell. Written by Will Soodik. Music by Edo Van Breemen and Kane Parsons. Directed by Kane Parsons. Budget $10 million. Running time 110 minutes.

Kane Parsons was only 19 when he directed this feature film of his YouTube series Backrooms. I've never seen those so I don't know how much like this film they are. That said, if they're anything like this film, I'm going to watch them all. 

Hands down one of the best films of the year so far. Deeply unsettling, deeply deeply unsettling. It's like sliding a needle under the skin in the top of your hand and gradually loosening the skin, this gnaws at you and grates, it uncomfortable and deeply chilling, the music niggles, the look and the feel scratch at your psyche and the overall feel is that of a 1970s horror film directed by David Cronenberg, or Romero. It has that visual feel. It feels small, personal and everso slightly amateurish, but that's not meant as an insult. God, no, far from it. it's a compliment. 

The story sees wannabe failed architect and newly divorced furniture shop owner, Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor) seeking help from therapist Dr. Mary Kine (Renate reinsve) for his depression, while said therapist struggles with her traumatic childhood as the daughter of a mentally disturbed agoraphobic mother. With his furniture shop failing and at his wits end, Clark makes an unusual discovery in the basement of his shop of a portal to secret mysterious underground complex of rooms, corridors and doors he calls 'the Backrooms', which are populated by hideously deformed beings and unsettling vistas of half buried furniture or bad 5th generation copies of people and objects. Meanwhile a private corporate is attempting to map the changing geography of the said underground complex but keep losing operatives to something that haunts the endless rooms and corridors. 

Nothing can quite prepare you for this bizarre and fantastically creepy film and I wouldn't dare try to explain more than what I have, it's far better you go in blind to see this. You'll thank me after. There are things you'll see in this that will stay with you and haunt your dreams. The film a mixture of found footage interspersed and standard film as both Clark and Mary share the lead focus, first we follow Clark and he makes his startling discovery and begins to explore with two young members of his staff, and then picks up with Mary when Clark suddenly vanishes one day after he tells her of his discovery and she goes to explore the shop.

The visual style of a look of this film is superb and really feels like those for-mentioned 1970s horror maestros, which coupled with the ever presence sound of faint machinery or whispered voices or uncomfortable music all combine to make this a fantastically compelling and scary horror film that relies on a overwhelming building of dread over gore or jump cuts. I found myself sitting with a fixed grin desperately trying to work out what the heck was going on. 

In the end, the film just about nails its landing, but leaves you, as you'd expect from a film like this, with more questions than answers, but that's not a bad thing in this case. This like Exit 8 another film about liminal spaces, is all about the journey. I doubt that as good as Kane Parsons is that he has any idea at to what is behind all the weirdness in Backrooms that would satisfy us all, but regardless what he shows us is more than enough. You'll leave hoping for a sequel but you know if they do they'll end up creating an unwieldy backstory or pouring on too much lore, or fluffing the landing like Lost. As it is this ends with a final shot that is both compelling and very creepy. 

See it on the big screen, if you dare.

9/10

#51: THE STAR SNORES: MANDY LOREAN'S GROIN GOO

Before we get to the film review part of this blog, here's a quick joke.

WHAT'S GREEN AND GOES RED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON?

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BABY YODA IN A BLENDER. 

And now to the film review section of this blog. 

STARRING: Pedro Pascal, Jeremy Allen White Brendan Wayne, Lateef Crowder and Sigourney Weaver. Written by Jon Favreau, Dave Filoni and Noah Kloor. Directed by Jon Favreau. Budget $165 million. Running time 132 minutes. 

Right, hands down this is without doubt the best Star Wars film of the last seven year. Admittedly by that reckoning it's also the worst, but it's still an achievement. But before we start rip into this, the 12th live action film set in the Star Wars universe, David, could you tell us the plot. Why of course dear reader nothing would give me more pleasure. 

Set in a galaxy far far away, a long time ago, and in the 30 year timeline gap between the original and best Star Wars trilogy and divisive sequel trilogy roars this sequel to the three series TV show, The Mandy Lorean. in that, the titular hero, a tin potted bounty hunter called Darjeeling (Pedro Pascal) rescues a cousin of Sooty and Sweep called Baby Yoda from some baddies and spends the next 24 episodes doing stuff in a Star Wars sort of way, zapping things, killing Storm Troopers and monsters, and whizzing around in a space ship, while dropping fan-baiting references to the canon. There was supposed to be a fourth series but Disney just sort of gave up and told Favreau to make a film instead, it was either this or a sequel to Chef, and not even Favreau wanted that! So, in time honoured fashion he sort of took two episodes and wedged them it to 2 hours and 12 minutes!

We find Darjeeling and Baby Yoda on the lamb, so to speak, as they travel their part of the galaxy hunting ex-Imperial Commanders and executing them and their largely depleted army of Stormtroopers. Mandy has a deck of cards featuring the 52 worst enemies of peace and harmony - the New Republic, and they're hunted down to either be waterboarded or just pain executed without trial. See, they're so much nicer than the old Empire. ANYWAY, Mandy looking for one such Imperial officer and accepts a job given to him by Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) on behalf of Jabba the Hutt's Niece and Nephew. They want Mandy to find Jabba's son, who we're told has been kidnapped and if he does then they'll give him the location of an ex-Imperial commander hiding out in the rim (painful). So, Mandy gets told of the mission by Ripley on another planet then flies to the Hutt's planet before travelling to the planet Hutt Jnr has been kidnapped to. So much time could have been saved if Ripley had just told Mandy to travel to that planet, but then director for hire, Jon Favreau would have to had filled the 20 minutes that all took with yet more mindless and tedious action. ANYWAY. So, Mandy travels to the planet where the kidnapped Jabba Jr has been kidnapped to, finds him instantly, discovers that Jabb Jr is quite happy there, fighting in an arena for money, and not kidnapped. So, Mandy KIDNAPS him anyway and starts to fly him back to the other Hutts, even though they're going to kill Hutt Jr. That is until Jabba Jr tells Mandy that man he seeks is Jabba's old boss back on that planet. So, Mandy goes back kidnaps the Imperial officer and flies him back to Ripley, who's pissed at Mandy because he didn't take Hutt Jr back to the Hutts, even though they'd have killed him. So then Mandy gets kidnapped by the Hutts and discovers they themselves have also kidnapped Hutt Jr. So, then Mandy and Groin Goo go absolutely ape shit and kill absolutely everyone, plain out murderise everybody they can find, women, children, animals, old age pensioners, simply everybody who works for, or knows the Hutts. They even hunt down the Hutts old nextdoor neighbours and kill them, because they once sent the Hutts Christmas Cards. Look, it's a fricking blood bath. Then, in the nick of time, after everyone is dead, Ripley returns and puts on a re-enactment of the end of Star Wars: A New Hope at the head of a fleet of X-Wing fighters which literally blows the utter crap out of the Hutt's castle. Then they all land and together with Mandy and Groin Goo, they all traipse through the swamp and double tap any survivors until everyone connected with the Hutt's operation is dead. Then they take off again and salt the land from air, thereby making sure that nothing will grow there ever again. Finally they take take turns doing huge shits from orbit that fall like meteorites, just like in Return of the Jedi and  and everyone laughs. Mandy high-fives Groin Goo and pats him on the head for being a good pet and the film comes to a merciful end. Actually, Mandy really treats Baby Yoda like a pet, telling him to 'sit', 'stay' and refusing him treats, odd wait to treat your adoptive son, but maybe things are different in the Mandy child-rearing world.

Oh, sorry Spoiler alert. 

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, this was dull and bland, not shit, but not very exciting. It's all so generic. And it's all so very brown and dull. There's no other-wordly wonder. Plus, a large portion takes place at night or in the dark, so much of it looks like any seedy rain-soaked, neon-lit parts of Stoke-on-Trent that it all feels so low key, and bog standard, oh and bleak and miserable. The original Star Wars looked and felt exciting and different and a long way from home. Turns out it's just an hour out of Manchester. The action never lets up, it's relentless, repetitive and by the numbers, it also passes for a plot, which this film doesn't have. Monsters appear to get killed every few minutes. That said, the flying  effects are extremely impressive, particularly the inside cockpit flying bits. But the rest of it just looks so ordinary. The trouble is with the sheer amount of Star Wars I.P. out there to be consumed none of this looks special anymore. Somehow the power that be behind the scene have succeeded in making Star Wars appear very ordinary and generic. 

Also, I object to any motion picture that demands I do homework before I watch it. There are characters and situations that I did not understand because i've not watched the Mandy Lorean TV show since the first season. I've not watched any of the TV shows. For me Star Wars was always a cinematic experience. TV just dilutes it. And this film is a good example. It's not one story it's two episodes tacked together. The first episode actually ends and then the second part begins. 

And don't get me started on the plot holes, like the use of AT ATs on steep mountain roads, or the other glaring inaccuracies. Life's too short and this film doesn't deserve that much attention.  

There is one single saving grace and it's pure fan service, but not film fan service. Back in the day, there used to be a brilliant arcade Star Wars cabinet where you got to fly an X-Wing and destroy the Death Star, it was truly glorious and I held the highscore in my local pub. What's nice is that when the re-enactment of the destruction of the Death Star from the first, and best, Star Wars film: A New Hope happens in this bland generic mess of a flick, they use the exact same vector graphics on their targeting systems. That one head nod gives this film an extra point. 

If this is what we get after a seven year hiatus then I think that Disney would be well advised to pack it all in and put it to rest for at least 10 years, then try again  with something entirely new and, dare I say, 'original'. And maybe ditch the TV shows which have robbed Star Wars of its awe, wonder and splendor. 

Dull, lazy and sadly lacklustre. 5/10