#47: MORTAL KOMBAT II

 

STARRING: Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Ludi Lin, Mehcad Brooks, Tati Gabrielle, Lewis Tan, Damon Herriman, Chin Han, Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada. Written by Jeremy Slater. Directed by Simon McQuoid. Budget $80 million. Running time 116 minutes long that you'll never get back. 

Apparently, this is a sequel to 2021's Mortal Kombat and the fourth film in the Mortal Kombat 'film series', which first began with 1995's Mortal Kombat. Added to that five animated films too. It's based on a video game, which I used to play back in the day showing just how old it is and it's not Street Fighter, which is out later this year. This one is the one where someone says 'FLAWLESS VICTORY' and a defeated opponent could get his spine ripped out. In the new film Karl Urban's Johnny Cage - a movie star and five-time karate champion is press-ganged into fighting to save the Earth realm from a Darth Vader clone armed with a massive hammer called Shao Kahn (the man not the hammer, I don't know what the hammer was called. Probably Hammy McHammer) in an interdimensional fight tournament called Mortal Kombat.  

That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle. 

I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before. 

Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent. 

2/10  

#46: A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

 

STARRING: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, Frances O'Connor, Sam Robards, Brendan Gleeson, Jack Thomas and William Hurt. Based on Supertoys Last All Summer Long by Brian Aldiss. Screenplay by Steven Spielberg. Budget $100 million. Running time 146 minutes. Originally released in 2001. Worldwide box office takings $235.9 million. 

Originally conceived as a Stanley Kubrick film, Spielberg took it on after Kubrick's death. The plot sees horrifically cute poppet android, David (Haley Joel Osment) given to grieving parents, Monica and Henry Swinton (Frances O'Connor and Sam Robards) while their son, Martin (Jake Thomas) lies in a medically induced coma until a cure arrives for whatever it is that ails him, David is a new type of synthetic android, designed to look like a small boy. He is programmed to imprint on his human and to love them unconditionally and he does with his 'mother' Monica. However, when her real son is brought out of his coma and his medical condition cured, David becomes surplus to requirements and so-called loving mother takes David and his robot teddybear off into the woods and dumps him there. David is obsessed by the story of Pinocchio and convinced if he can find the Blue Fairy he'll be transformed into a real boy and Monica will love him again. So, off he goes on a quest with Gigolo Joe, an android sex worker (Jude Law) to find the Blue Fairy. Much hilarity ensues as the unlikely trio of chums fall foul of the Flesh Fair, get arrested by cops, and confront his own creator, in David's case, all before an aquatic date with destiny with the Blue Fairy in the sunken city of New York. Then it's just a 2000 year plot jump and a bunch of sentient robots digging up David to torment him one last time before switching him off for ever. 

By god this is a creepy, unsettling film, and by far Spielberg's most nihilistic and bleak, it's clear he's channeling Kubrick for all he's worth and as a result the film is striped of any sign of joy or happiness. From the word go when we're introduced to this sunken world of post-apocalyptic misery we know we're in for a rough ride, it's a world of haves and have-nots, and neither side is happy about it. Haley Joel Osment was a remarkable child actor and he's expected to carry the expectations of the film squarely on his young shoulders and he does so brilliantly, it's just a shame David is such a shitty character, he might be a robot child, but the one thing you come away thinking about him, is how much a bloody good slap back of his head by with massive metal rod would help him. He's insanely needy, his desperate desire to be loved boarded on the psychotic and for a long portion of this film you just find yourself wishing him ill. Luckily Jude Law is on hand to grab the little scrot by the hand and drag him through the smaltz and towards an uncertain date with destiny courtesy of his dad, William Hurt and a bunch of highly advanced calculators who seem to spend their days digging up old robotic tech, revising them and then tormenting them just one more time. It's a fun game and I admire their vindictiveness, cos that little shit, David, bloody deserves it. Needy little fucker.

This looks good, but is very bleak, relentless, grim and depressing. There's no happy ending, despite what Spielberg might say about it. Visually it looks good and the effects are mostly practical or matte based, oddly enough no sign of the wretched CGI and actual A.I effects that have come to so blight modern cinema. Despite this being lower tier Spielberg it's still bloody well made and impressively mounted. 

It's a shame we never got to see Kubrick's version of this, he was one of the greatest film directors ever and I love his films. that said, Spielberg ain't no slouch in the direction department either, so if it had to be someone picking up the reins, I'm glad it's him and not someone else. 

Anywho, it's been 25 years since I last saw this, and I'll happily wait another 25 before I have to see it again, so in all probability, this is the last time I'll ever see it again. 

7/10
  

#45: HIGHLANDER

 

STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Roxanne Hart, Clancy Brown and sean Connery. Story by Gregory Widen. Screenplay by Gregory Widen, Peter Bellwood and Larry Ferguson. Directed by Russell Mulcahy. Cinematography by Gerry Fisher. Music by Michael Kamen with incidental music by Queen. Budget $19 million. Running time 111 minutes. Box office $13 million. Originally released in 1986.

A bonafide boxoffice bomb when it was first released grossing less than $13 million during it's cinematic run and yet going on to spawn not one but two direct sequels, 1991's Highlander II: The Quickening and 1994's Highlander III: The Sorcerer aka  The Final Dimension. Two film sequels based on the TV show - 2000's Highlander: Endgame and 2007's Highlander: The Source. And a 2007 anime movie Highlander: The Search for Vengeance, which is the only Highlander property to have garnered positive reviews. Not bad for a film that on its release received a 24% Rotten Tomato score. 

Time has been kind to Highlander and no mistake. There's something about the idea that resonates with people, hence the desperate attempts to recapture the lighting-in-a-bottle with terrible remakes, reboots and sequels. And yet that first film is so raw, so pumped and so goddam satisfying, well apart from the plot-hole riddled script that it's almost impossible to hate. Opening with the sight of the Cannon Logo, which gave me a nice warm glow, and I eased into it, my brain reminding me seconds before what was about to happen. I'd forgotten the superb scene transitions and in particular that fish tank to Loc cut. It's such a child of its times and Russell Mulcany directs with a real verve and authority,  bringing tricks and skills from his bringing days directing music videos and it really pays off, this is an action film that feels and looks fresh and dynamic.

This film is best when we see McConnor's journey through the centuries and is at it's most uninteresting when it's just grumpy of Christopher Lambert acting like a petulant school boy and rucking with Kurgan (Clancy Brown). The plot cleverly cuts back and forth in time for 14th Century Scotty land through to WWII and the present, or past as it is now, revealing McConnor's back story, which truly comes alive with the arrival of Sean Connery, a Scottish man playing a 2000 year old Spanish Egyptian, who just steals the whole film lock stock and barrel, well him and Clancy Brown, having the literal time of his life as the utterly insane immortal Kurgan. Special mention must be made of the cinematography by Gerry Fisher which is beautiful, capturing the majesty of the Highlands perfectly.

This is a magnificent rambunctious romp, just don't delve too deeply into details, because it's there where it comes apart. Just strap yourself in and marvel at what was achieved with a relatively low budget, for a short time Russell Mulcahy was a director of some skill and he produced some great films, this, The Shadow, Razorback  and Richocet, and not forgetting the legendary Derek and Clive Get the Horn (one of my favourite films). This, well it's not perfect, but it's bloody good fun and it has a rough and ready feel about it that makes it hard to hate. It moves at a furious lick, it never lets up, it's never boring, it's just that it all becomes a bit too silly.  

To watch this again 40 years after it was first released was an absolute treat, up on the big screen I was swept up in it all and loved every second, and the music all in all, it was a kinda magic. 

8/10

#44: THE DEVIL WEAR PRADA 2

 

STARRING: Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, Justin Theroux,  Stanley Tucci, Tibor Feldman, B.J. Novak, Lucy Liu, Lady Gaga, oh and Kenneth Branagh, who had two violin trainers to help him with his part. Written by Aline Brosh McKenna. Directed by David Frankel. Budget $100 million. Running time 119 minutes. 

It's been 20 years since the first The Devil Wears Prada outing when snooty wannabe journo, Andi (Anne Hathaway) got an internship at the fictitious fashion magazine, Runaway under the tyrannical editorship of its matriarch Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep). Andi learned that to fit in and climb to the top of the talent tree she would have to abandon her dreams of being a real journalist, ditch her truly horrible, needy egotistic friends, her deeply selfish boyfriend, and her principles, don the highly fashionable and fabulous couture and baubles of the very people she used to look down her really long nose at and despise and become one of them herself. The last time we saw her she was swanning down 5th Avenue in some truly gaudy hi-end fashion combo, as smug as the cat what got the cream and imagining she was truly 'it' having secured the job of her dreams, writing obits for a New York newspaper.  

Well, how has the past 20 treated her? Have they been kind? Is she now the editor-in-chief of the New York Times? Or maybe features editor of The New Yorker? No, she's just been made redundant by email and she's back on the streets looking for a job. Well, don't worry Andi, I'm sure in this cinematic 21st Century things are still absolutely fabulous at Runway, they're bound to welcome you back with open arms, even if you did destroy a valuable piece of their tech, and steal a shit-load of very expensive branded items of clothing. Well actually things are pretty crap at Runway, Miranda's just written an article seemingly endorsing child labour, she's forced to mind her manners when dealing with the younglings who populate her staff and she has to cowtow to chairman of the board Irv Ravitz (Tibor Feldman). Anyway, when Irv dies before promoting her to head of everything global, she finds herself locking horns with Irv's son, Jay (B.J. Novak) and having to deal with Emily (Emily Blunt) who's now an executive at Dior and dating super-rich tech nerd Benji (Justin Theroux). Into this complicated world minces Andi to take on the role of Features Editor and save the day.

The plot twists and turns with betrayals, backstabbings and reveals galore and will leave you giddy, taking no prisoners and refusing to slow down even one iota David Frankel directs this as if he has a taxi waiting. Scenes scream by like supercars on the Autobahn, there's no let up, no moments of relaxation, in fact it feels more like he's edited out key scenes to keep the running time down. One minute we're in Manhattan, the next Milan, then Newark, it's like using the 10 second jump feature on Netflix. It's one of those films were we, the audience, are just witnesses to the proceedings, while all the other characters know exactly what's going on but refuse to share any of it with us. Plot points are quickly introduced then just quickly dumped. For example, at one point Andi borrows a fabulous dress for a party at Miranda's house and is ordered by Nigel to return it immaculately. Naturally Andi, who should have stuck a napkin in her collar, spills  a single spot of sauce on it and she sneaks into the house to desperately try and clean it. She does. And that's it.  

Anyway, the returning cast who don't seem to have aged a day all seem to be enjoying this second bite of this cherry immensely and who can blame them, wearing fabulous clothing, jetting off round the world and generally acting like kids in a playground. Streep is just superb in this, Miranda is a brilliant character and I found myself thinking it would be great to see how she and Tucci clawed their way to the top, for once their origin story would be worth watching. Tucci positively revels in the role of Nigel dispensing much needed levity and context, he's the nicest thing in this by a country mile. Indeed, you need him to cut through the festering darkness that is Miranda. Of them all, I was most delighted to find that Emily Blunt's Emily is the one character who's had the best time since the first film, from Miranda's tortured personal assistant to Senior Executive at Dior, you go, girlfriend!

Anyway, the script by Aline Brosh McKenna who also returns for this belated sequel is witty and entertaining even if the world it portrays is a fake as a three dollar bill. Anyone who's ever worked in publishing will find themselves laughing at the utter anachronisms on display, there's not a magazine alive today that could be this extravagant. This outing isn't as nasty as its predecessor, and Miranda has clearly mellowed, but watching her manipulate and control the narrative is actually rather enjoyable, she becomes its main focus, which is a very good thing, firstly cos Streep is such a joy to behold and secondly her character is the most interesting. Luckily the film doesn't try to make her a good person, she's still as ruthless and scheming and yet this time we're allowed to see the purpose behind it all and her justification. Sadly though the same can't be said of Andi who's still too wholesomely cute and plucky for my tastes. 

The audience I saw this with was predominantly female and laughed and whispered throughout it all, and as such I predict this will clean up at the boxoffice. I realised near that end that this film does something I've not seen before, or at least don't think I've seen, it shows women in a professional setting just doing their jobs and not relying on any prince charming to save them or explain things, but also none of that is at the expense of the male characters, who are all portrayed as supportive while not being emasculated, they're not the villains here, in fact it felt as if both were being treated as equals. It makes a change to watch a film made up of a mostly female cast in a film that doesn't involve mistaken identities, Sydney Sweeny, murders or lust.

Overall this is a good looking, but vacuous flick that just about stays this side of too long and just about manages to deliver an entertaining and amusing romp, even if most the characters are back stabbing scum and the world they inhabit well beyond the realms of reality. 

7/10 

#43: THE CHRISTOPHERS

 

STARRING: Ian McKellen, Michaela Coel, Jessica Gunning. Cameo James Corden. Written by Ed Solomon. Music by David Holmes. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Running time 100 minutes. 

The plot sees the elderly, reclusive and deeply eccentric painter, Julian Sklar (Ian McKellen) hire an art assistant, Lori Butler (Michaela Coel) on the behest of his two estranged children, Sallie (Jessica Gunning) and Barnaby (James Corden). Although unbeknown to Julian, Lori is a plant sent in by the two scheming adult children to find hidden in Julian's town-house six unfinished paintings called The Christophers. It turns out that Julian painted them of his lover back in the 1990s as part of the third series of paintings, of which they were never completed. Lori, a painter herself, has been hired by the children to find the paintings, finish them off and hide them in the house so that on Julian's death they can be discovered and sold for a fortune.  

Together these two bicker and argue and slowly re-ignite each other's passions for art and work out a scheme to torpedo the sibling's plans and secrets are revealled and past transgressions exposed to powerful effect. 

Much of this film is carried by McKellen who has by far the most dialogue, often delivered, or so it seems, in long takes with Michaela witnessing from the sidelines before delivering a 'yes', or 'no', or even a 'hmmhmm.' She is a commanding actress and easily holds her own, but her role is also the main focus of the film, she bridges the dreadful siblings and their father and provides the narrative push. Soderbergh is a master at delivering precise and relatively short films, he has an ability to cut out the flab and produce lean, mean films that never feel hurried yet do their job in an hour and a half or so. 

It's funny going into this I had no idea it was a Steven Soderbergh film, and it's only once the credits rolled that I realised the truth and it made total sense, this as a real quality of his, and reminded me tonally of his excellent spy movie of last year, 'Black Bag'. He really does have an excellent eye for direction and performances and both leads are exceptionally good in their roles. Similarly the art direction and locations are wonderful. And Julian's London town houses truly convince as the sprawling home of a one famous artist and his life time of hoarding artistic junk. 

The interplay between both Coel and McKellen is the absolute key to the success of this film and this proved to be a most satisfying and entertaining exploration of the creative process. 

A great soundtrack by frequent collaborator David Holmes is a welcome addition, and in this he produces another perfectly in tune soundtrack, that bloke is really da bomb at banging chunes. Overall this was a deeply satisfying and engrossing film and worth a gander. And best of all the odious James Cordon doesn't stay on the screen long enough to poison the whole thing. He's clearly at his best in short, cameo style roles that don't outstay their welcome.  

8/10  

#42: FIGHT CLUB

 

STARRING:   Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf Aday and Jared Leto. Screenplay by Jim Uhis. Based on the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Music by The Dust Brothers. Cinematography by Jeff Cronenweth. Directed by David Fincher. Budget $65 million. Running time 139 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

Our narrator, a lonely, un-named, insomnia-suffering insurance investigator (Edward Norton), befriends a soap sales man and radical urban revolutionary called Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) on a domestic flight and the two men become friends and form and underground boxing club called Fight Club. As Tyler encourages our narrator to embrace his masculinity and identity and abandon his capitalistic ideals, the two men become inseparable until the arrival of Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter), an nihilistic, chain-smoking, suicide in waiting, young woman who brings raw passion, sex and bizarrely love into the mix, causing a schism between the two men, made worse when our narrator discovers that Tyler is planning an act of financial anarchy that will literally cause the collapse of capitalism. 

OMG! What an absolute blast! What an utterly unhinged, manic, relentless roar! What an extraordinary experience! What an exhilarating rambunctious romp! What a brilliant black as tar comedy! And what astonishing performances, none of the cast, from Meat Loaf to Norton, to Bonham Carter to Pitt have ever been better! Brad Pitt then the sexiest man in the whole goddam universe! is an utter revelation, his Tyler Durden is an incredible character, and Norton the straight man of the duo brings a well-needed reality to the proceedings. Fincher directs this with absolute control, it's a film with sure a raw centre that it needs a director like him to manage it and I can't imagine any other director being able to land this beast any better than he does! But he's not alone, the cinematography, which despite being filmed mostly at night is never lost in the murky, inky blackness, the sound track by The Dust Brothers is so raw it positively pulsates through your chest. And the choice of music is note perfect. 

This starts off fantastically well, the black humour drips from the screen and the raw energy propels the film perfectly and for the first hour this is note perfect, it sadly begins to slow when Project Mayhem raises it's head and while the film is still fantastically good, it loses its focus as Durden's grand scheme begins to take centre stage. By now everybody in the world must know the 'twist', so I don't feel bad about talking about it here. 

HOWEVER. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE (WHAT THE HELL) THEN BE CAUTIOUS THIS BIT CONTAINS A MAJOR SPOILER. 

The revelation that the Narrator and Durden are the same man is a brilliant reveal. I can't remember if I knew this going in, but the clues are there if you're paying attention and there's a lovely moment when Marla suddenly realises the truth which is beautiful to behold. The three leads, Norton, Pitt and Bonham-Carter are such good actors and to see the three of them deliver such superb performances is a joy to behold. 

Bloody loved this, it does dip, a tad, but not enough to cost it, because this is such an unique cinematic experience, a delight to see it again on the big screen. It's a film that deserves to be writ large, it's radical, raw and revolutionary. 

A cinematic masterpiece.

10/10 

#41: EXIT 8

 

STARRING: Kazunari Ninomiya, Yamato Kochi, Naur Asanuma, Kotone Hanase and Nana Komastsu. Based on the video game The Exit 8 by Kotake Create. Screenplay by Kentaro Hirase and Genki Kawamura. Directed by Genki Kawamura. Running time 95 minutes. 

The plot sees a nameless bloke known only as The Lost Man on his morning commute on a packed tube train. He witnesses an angry commuter absolutely lose his rag over a screaming baby and its mother and does nothing to help. Then his ex-girlfriend calls to him him she's pregnant and asks him what he wants to do, it's clear that he's not ready to be a daddy and tells her he's on his way to the hospital to meet her and gets off the train. That's when things go all Twilight Zone and The Lost Man finds him self trapped in a Möbius loop of white tiled tunnels and given a set of instructions to find his way to Exit 8, he is on Exit 0. He is told to look for anomalies and when he finds one to turn back, otherwise to keep going. This he does and meets a series of other people, the Walking Man, a Young Woman and a Small Boy. Along the way he either makes the right choice and moves on to the next level, or gets it wrong and goes back to zero, all the while confronting his shortcomings and accepting the responsibilities of potential parenthood. And that's about it for the Möbius loop plot. It ends with The Lost Man back on his morning commute with the screaming baby, but how will it end?

This is not a horror film, do not be fooled by the trailer, and it's not a bad thing either. This is a film that makes you think, you play along with The Lost Man, learning the rules of this game and you become engaged with the frightened young man as he accepts responsibility and the prospects of becoming a father and all that entails. 

It's well made, the set is brilliant and it's different in style look, feel and acting. It's also mercifully brief at only 95 mintues long. I gotta say I guessed what was going on and it didn't bother me. Satisfying. Nothing more, nothing less, except the horror film the trailer and advertising screamed it was. 

8/10