#89: RUNNER

 

STARRING: Alan Ritchson, Owen Wilson, Rodrigo Santoro and Leila George. Written by Miles Hubley and Tommy White. Directed by Scott Waugh. Budget $35 million. 

This one caught me unawares, I only became aware of it last week as part of a comparison with the new Gal Gadot film, The Runner, with which this shares half the same title. 

The plot to this one sees 'runner' divorced ex-Seal, ex-alcoholic Hank Malone (Alan Ritchson) living on a house boat in Melbourne Harbour. He's a Deliveroo driver, although when we first meet him he's busy doing the following, engraving a girl's name into a tiny padlock, eating French sandwiches and learning French. He's stoic, tacit, somber, sober and solemn. You see he's atoning for his past. He makes a living driving 'hi-end' stuff around town, like endangered golden parrots, Subway orders, or forcefully picking up belligerent politicians for a government vote (don't ask). Meanwhile, Ben Bishop (Owen Wilson) makes his living as a different sort of runner, flying round the world in first class and delivering organs for transplant, in this case a liver (in a codeword protected hi-tech freezer box) for a little girl who's lying in a hospital and slowly dying. Hank arrives at the airport to pick up the organ and parks beside a huge black SUV, with blacked out windows. I wonder it that'll play a part later? Hank agrees to take Ben to the hospital and we learn that if the freezer box's temperature goes above 8 degrees or if it takes longer than five hours to deliver will expire. So off they go, along with the mysterious black suv with the blacked out windows. 

WITHIN seconds the baddies, who were in the all-black SUV with the blacked out windows, ambushes them leading to the first of many full-out gun battles, in the streets of Melbourne, which will leave scores of nameless tattooed henchmen dead, but oddly enough not from gun shots. No, because of Alan Ritchson's massive size, the man is simply humongous, all of the henchmen are literally broken into pieces, arms, legs snapped, backs broken, necks bent into pretzels,  faces are crushed with single punches, and many people are killed, including random bystanders, who are shot, but not by Hank. Luckily the Australian police aren't on hand to investigate any of this and the chase between Hankben (Ritchson and Owen, to save time) and the baddies led by psychotic Rodrigo Santoro (Damian Zaldivar), he's one of those baddies who executes his heavily tatooed henchmen as a lesson to the others. It's clearly a lesson that the others don't learn as they continue to get stuff wrong. Actually, the reason he, Rodrigo, doesn't kill those who fail him is because the Hank half of Hankben does, in horribly brutal ways. Add to that the following: an old woman dying of the exact same thing as the little girl, a kidnapped surgeon, a mole in the hospital where the little girl is staying, an ex-wife with a spare car, when Hankben's car is destroyed. A vengeful second tier henchman. Oh and to make things more time sensitive, the cooler box and one half of Hankben gets ventilated with a hole meaning time is running out. And that's the plot from then on, Hankben get chased, steal a car, crash the car, bicker, banter and get into one incredibly violent fist/gun fight after another. Then just repeat till the insane final showdown in the hospital where everything just goes batshit crazy and one half of Hankben gets shot, stabbed multiple times with a stiletto and an actual bone saw, and here's a clue, it's not Owen Wilson. Then, finally the police show up and the film ends with a coda of one half of Hankben in Paris honouring their dead daughter from the character backstory. 

Fast, violent, and moderately fun. Apparently it's a lot more fun than The Runner. The Australian setting makes it look fresh and the weather and sun look lovely. The effects and car stunts augmented by CGI are in the Fast and Furious school of car physics, but it does suffer from ridiculous plot contrivances and holes and it's painfully clear that logic is clearly asked to step away from the plot at points during the film to make the whole thing somehow work. 

It would have been made for a tenth of the budget back in the 80s by Canon and probably starred Charles Brosnson, or Chuck Norris, but while this is on it's fine. Nothing big, it's amusing, very violent and utterly over the top and Alan Ritchson is clearly being groomed as the next big action hero. I'm still hoping for the day he becomes Doc Savage. 

Anyway this, well it's okay. But you'll do just as well with it at home than at the cinema. 

6/10

#88: INDEPENDENCE DAY

STARRING: Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, Ary McDonnell, Judd Hirsch, Margaret Colin, Randy Quaid, Robert Loggia, James Rebhorn, Vivica A. Fox, Adam Baldwin, Brent Spiner, Harry Connick Jr. and Harvey Fierstein. Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. Produced by Dean Devlin. Directed by Roland Emmerich. Music by David Arnold. Budget $75 million. Box office: $817 million. Running time 145 minutes. Originally released in 1996

Featuring over 3000 special effect shots, the majority of which were practical, to 'save money', including the glorious iconic shot of the White House getting utterly destroyed, as well as some truly spectacular scenes of utter devastation of skyscrappers exploding, streets on fire and a world obliterated. The legend goes that it was written over a month-long holiday in Mexico, green lit by 20th Century Fox chairman Peter Chernin just one day after it was pitched, and put into pre-production just three days later! This film exploded onto our screens and psyches 40 years ago to humungous applause and insane cheering and just devoured the box office. It took over $50.2 million on its opening three-day weekend and spent the next 10 weeks at number #1, ultimately finishing its cinematic run with over $817 million. It slammed Will Smith on the map cementing his legend as a leading man for years to come, and also blasted Jeff Goldblum onto the A List, and it's without doubt one of the most exhilarating, exciting, and entertaining science fiction blockbusters ever made and it just never gets old or boring. 

The plot sees 15 mile wide flying saucers take up position above key points across the globe and then launch a planetary-wide wave of utter destruction. From then on we follow a rag-tag team of heroes as they at first fight to survive, then unite together, before fighting back in pure Hollywood style, but only after the President of the United States of mother-fucking America (Bill Pullman) has given the greatest mother-fucking speech in the history of the world (and cinema) to rally the troops for one glorious mother-fucking counter-attack, while eco scientist David (Jeff Goldblum) and ace pilot Stephen Hiller (Will Smith) fly a stolen alien fighter craft right in the heart of the mother-fucking alien mother ship to deliver Earth's mother-fucking payback in the most ludicrous way possible and all you can do is cheer! 

What a thrill ride, what a treat! What a mother-fucking fantastic film! Back on the big screen to celebrate it's 40th anniversary. I loved this the first time I saw this at a multi-media preview in London in 1996, where the entire crowd of hardened, cynical critics cheered as one and applauded at the president's speech. By no means could this be called high-brow, or clever, or intellectual, but what you can call it is an utter delight, and sod the need to call it a 'guilty pleasure'. The fact that 40 years after its release it's coming back and people want to see it proves what a total classic it is. This is utterly unapologetically the purest popcorn movie ever made, it revels in its own trashiness, it honours the history of the science fiction B-Movie and it stands tall and proud and shouts, I'm loud, I'm proud, I'm goddam bloody epic, me!

I for one refuse to find fault with it, or scoff at it, or sneer, I don't care if the dialogue is lame or cliched, I don't mind a jote if it's just a B-Movie, I bloody love B-movies and I bloody love this. It's a throwback to a simpler time, it's almost a Hollywood WWII movie in style, the gungho attitude the rugged heroes fighting back against a much bigger enemy, and its not ashamed to be downright and outrageously fun!

I was lucky enough to see this several years ago at the Royal Albert hall with a full live orchestra and it was sublime! This time round it's just as nature intended but on the biggest screen High Wycombe has to offer! if you get yourself a chance, do yourself a favour and go and see this on the big screen, sit as close as you can to the screen and just get ready to be utterly entertained. It's defo not clever, but boy, is it big, epically BIG!

10 out of mother-fucking 10, bitch!

#87: STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME

 

ORIGINAL 1986 MOVIE POSTER

40TH ANNIVERSARY MOVIE POSTER 2026 

STARRING: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Catherine Hicks, Michael Berryman, Mark Lenard, Jane Wyatt and Robin Curtis. Story by Harve Bennett and Leonard Nimoy, screenplay by Steve Meerson, Peter Krikes, Nicholas Meyer and Harve Bennett. Directed by Leonard Nimoy. Music by Leonard Rosenman. Budget $25 million. Boxoffice $133 million. Running time 122 minutes. Originally released in 1986.

All together now. 

"Computer. Computer. Ah! Hello computer."

It's 2286 and a dirty great big cylindrical dustbin has arrived in our solar system, taken up a parking orbit above Earth, and started broadcasting a signal that takes out the global power grid, causing untold environmental disaster with huge planet-wide storms blocking out the sun, triggering a possible ice-age and generally acted like a massive dick because somebody on Earth couldn't be bothering to answer their intergalactic phone call. Luckily, pointy-eared, child psychologist and science officer Spook has discovered the signal was meant for the now (then) extinct Hump-Back whales and so him, Kirk and the others set off through a time warp back to 1986 in search of some whales they could bring back to communicate with the alien interlopers and save the world. Urgh, Mondays, am I right?

And so we arrive at the fourth Star Trek film made back in a time when Star Trek existed only at the cinema and re-runs on TV and hadn't spawned five progressively bad spin-offs filled with valuable life-lessons and gender politics, when the world wasn't over saturated with an excess of science fiction, super-heroes and fantasy, a time when this sort of good-natured and dare I say, old fashioned entertainment seemed rather exciting and, fun! Hedy, happy days before the internet and streaming ruined everything.

A novel idea for the franchise, take the crew and throw them in the real world and see how they react. And what a fun ride that turned out to be. Because this is by far the most light-hearted Star Trek film they ever made, with a game crew eager to have a bit of laugh with their roles while still sticking to the world of Star Fleet and a quite serious scenario.  

What you take away from this is just how enjoyable and exciting it is, how they managed to mix amusement and action, drama and fun. It's not a comedy but it's funny, but that is never at the expense of the characters or story. The story split across three different objectives keeps you hooked, it also gives Scotty his moment to shine with perhaps one of my favourite Star Trek scenes of all time, when he has to interact with a computer, watching his fingers dart across the keyboard, it's clear that actor James Doohan who played Scotty so well, hasn't the foggiest notion what the hell a 'computer' is, leading to the sublime moment he picks up the mouse to talk into the infernal machine. Then there's Spock's re-emerging humanity and the re-awkening of his friendship with Kirk and a profanity spouting Spook is worth the admission fee alone, then there's, Uhura and Chekov's mini-adventure aboard the Enterprise aircraft carrier leading to the hospital escape and finally Captain Kirk's deeply creepy flirtation with Marine Biologist Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks). He might have been a hit with all the aliens hotties in outer space, but back on terra firma he's just a middle-aged man standing way too close and flirting so badly he might as well just dropped his pants. Way back in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan I marvelled at William Shatner's acting, particularly when his voice breaks during his eulogy for Spook, but here, when the camera is often right up there in his face it seems to be mugging and gurning are his preferred methods of acting. And that kiss from Gillian on Kirk's cheek at the end when she tells him they'll always be friends makes my toes curl.

That minor quibble probably explains why this doesn't get a solid 10/10, but regardless, I bloody love this, great fun and a joy again, as always, to see on the big screen. Finally it's as old as my relationship with Petra, so happy 40th to us both.

9/10

P.S.
You might wonder why I posted the two posters at the top of this review, well the first is the Bob Peak painted artwork for the original cinematic release and the second is the bag of shit some stupid intern spewed up for the 40th Anniversary release, it's a never-ending source of great sadness for me to see how utterly piss poor modern film posters have become and that photoshopped abomination above just shows the decline, what the fuck is going on with Gillian Taylor's pick up truck on one side and the taxi on the other, as far as I can remember there isn't a single taxi in the film, unless it's driving past in the background. This poster is lazy, badly constructed and enticing as a mouldy loaf of bread. Explain to me Paramount how that poster is going to encourage anyone new to this film?

Poster artwork 2/10 (actually I might even do a top ten of film posters this year). This one be on it.

#86: DE GAULLE: RESISTANCE

STARRING: Simon Abkarian, Niels Schneider, Thierry Lhermitte, Karim Leklou and Simon Russell Beale. Written by Antonin Baudry and Berenice Vila. Directed by Antonin Baudry. Budget $74 million. Running time 158 minutes.

The plot sees Charles de Gaulle (Simon Abkarian) escape Paris following the surrender of France to Germany in World War II. Winston Churchill (Simon Russell Beale) grants him exile in London and he sets about setting up the Free State of France in London and leading the French Resistance. It charts his highly confrontational relationship with Churchill and the deeply harrowing Battle of Bir Hakeim. 

Serious, ponderous, dramatic and deeply engrossing. This was a satisfying cinematic experience with a good cast and some powerful acting. Some of the CGI work is a little poor, but it's not a film about that, it's about the powerful political battles that are seldom discussed in WWII films. I racked my brains for ages trying to remember where I'd last seen Simon Abkarian only to be reminded he was a villain in the Daniel Craig Bond film, Casino Royale. Simon Russell Beale feels and looks like he was born to play Churchill. The British come out of this looking like a slimy bunch of back-stabbing toads, but perhaps that was the sort of attitude that was needed to beat Hitler. 

This was a sombre and powerful film that despite its long running time never dragged. Well worth a punt. 

8/10

#85: GODZILLA, MOTHRA AND KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK a.k.a GMK

 

STARRING: GODZILLA! MOTHRA! BARAGON! KING GHIDORAH!!! Also Chiharu Niiyama, Ryudo Uzaki, Masahiro Kobayashi, Shiro Sano and Hideyo Amamoto.  Written by Keiichi Hasegawa, Masahiro Yokotani and Shusuke Kaneko. Directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Budget $9 million, running time 105 minutes. Box office $20 million. Originally released in 2001.

If your only experience of Godzilla is the handful of Legendary movies so far released and the terrible 1998 film directed by Roland Emmerich then you ain't seen nothing yet!

This astounding film released in 2001 by the Toho studio was the 26th film in the Godzilla franchise and was written as a direct sequel to the original 1954 Godzilla film and shares the same universe as the aforementioned 1998 outing and is the third instalment of the Millennium era.

The story sees a very angry, white-eyed Godzilla, this time possessed by the spirits of the people killed during the Pacific War, rising from the depths to wreck bloody havoc against the Japanese populous, but help is on hand in the guise of Baragon, Mothra and King Ghidorah, the legendary Guardian Monsters who are destined to rise and defend the land when Godzilla threatens. Meanwhile, b-movie maker and daughter of a commander in the Defence League finds herself caught up in the mayhem and destruction that shatters the land. Bravely the monsters face off against the Big G but with little effect, Baragon is brutally destroyed, and Mothra (never my favourite) can't do much except batter herself senseless on lightbulbs, so it's up to Ghidorah to try and save the day but will even he be able to stop the relentless onslaught, or is he going to have to level up? The final boss battle in the bay of Tokyo is truly and utterly extraordinary and leaves you absolutely dazed. 

Nothing can truly prepare you for the joys of a Japanese Godzilla movie, they have a charm, an energy and a feel all of their own, the characters, the strange humour, the wonderful man-in-a-rubber-suit special effects, the amazing models and that never date and the sheer forward momentum the films possess. As with any giant monster movie, the story that lives between the action beats matters not one jote and yet these Toho films seem to create characters you oddly care for. Japanese films make big jumps in logic and plotting and expect the audience to catch up, they don't spoon feed their audienced, so you have to be on your toes at all times, plus you can never guarantee who's going to live or die and death is only ever a blink away. The one thing that strikes you about this superb film is just how truly collateral the damage is, Shusuke Kaneko doesn't shy away from depicting how terrirfying it would witness first-hand a Kaiju attack.

It's worth noting that despite using over 350 CGI shots, the majority of the effects in the film were achieved practically, and CGI was used to enhance the action. and boy do those effects stand up, seriously impressive and the use of actual actors inside the monster suits doing the stomping and fighting just enhances the whole movie. The Godzilla suit itself featured in this film was the largest and heaviest one ever made and stood over 2 meters tall and weighed 70kgs!

I was lucky to see this as a 35mm print at the Barbican, a pre-recorded video introduction accompanied the film with the director giving us a brief history of the film and his work before both Mizuho Yoshida (Godzilla) and Akira Ohashi (King Ghidorah) too gave video intros explaining briefly their methods, Mizuho was told to be furious all the time, and Akira demonstrated his technique for being King Ghidorah by squatting down, with both arms raised and roaring. Then both men turned to face off against each other and began roaring together. It was wonderful, those three clips were worth the admission alone. 

If you ever get a chance to see a proper Japanese monster movie at the cinema then do it, it's a true thing of wonder. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Godzilla, King of all the monsters has left the building, standing!

The gods of cinema dictate that I can only score this a 10/10. They are indeed cruel and unusual deities. 

#84: KIKI'S DELIVERY SERVICE

 

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY Hayao Miyazaki. Based on Kiki's Delivery Service by Eiko Kadono. Japanese vocal talents: Miniami Takayama, Rei Sakuma, Kappei Yamaguchi and Keiko Toda. Music by Joe Hisaishi. Running time 102 minutes. Budget $6.9 million. Box office takings so far: $41.8 million. Originally released in 1989.

In a world where witches are just accepted, 13-year old witch, Kiki follows the time-honoured tradition of being a witch by flying off on her broomstick to find a town she can practice being a witch in. She sets off with her talking black cat Jiji and lands in an un-named French coastal town where she ends up living in a granny flat of a bakery run by a friendly couple. While she's there Kiki becomes friends with a boy her own age, Tombo, an artist who lives in the woods, and an elderly woman whom Kiki does deliveries for. She also briefly loses her magical powers and still helps to avert a terrible catastrophe when a huge Zeppelin-like airship crashes in the town square and then it ends. And you realise you're close to tears.

What an utter, utter treat. A hand-drawn animated classic of sublime charm, with a warmth and emotional core completely missing from most, if not all, CGI animated  films of the past 36 years. Produced by the legendary Studio Ghibli and directed to perfection by the animation genius, Hayao Miyazaki. This is an exercise in artistic brilliance. The endless street scenes, the crowds, the lighting, the skies, the clouds, the small, tiny bits of artistry that if you blink you'd miss. It's all so wonderful. It fills your soul with joy and I found myself smiling all the way through. There's something about this film that actually enhances your soul, that makes you feel good about your fellow man. It's a film where there's no life lesson to be learned, no sassy, wise-cracking, girl boss beating up stupid male characters, there's just the story of a young girl trying to make her way in the world and encountering a group of people who try to help her. At times she is peevish, and even down right rude, on a couple of occasions she is sad and lonely, but each time there's reasons why and they feel organic and real.  

Finally, just before the film there were the obligatory trailers and because Kiki's Delivery Service animated, nearly all the other trailers were for upcoming animated films all of which, with the exception of a new Shaun the Sheep movie, were generic, bland CGI sludge including a film called Forgotten Island, about two sassy, wacky teenage girls who get sucked into a magical realm and befriend a stupid werewolf boy who's there to provide the obligatory hilarious stupid male character. You just know that there'll be wacky adventures and valuable lessons to be learned before the two girls are returned to their real world. It's just another forgettable animated life-lesson featuring an off-the-rack plot and yet another cast of forgettable female characters, because god forbid a Hollywood animated film should ever have a male character like Tombo. 

Give me Kiki's Delivery Service every time. This is an absolute animated classic and I loved every minute. There is not one thing wrong with this beautiful, joyful, life-affirming film and to see it, once again on the big screen, with Japanese subtitles and in all it's full 4k glory, was a dream come true. 

10/10 

      

#83: THE DOG STARS

 

STARRING: Jacob Elordi, Josh Brolin, Margaret Qualley and Guy Pearce. Screenplay by Mark L. Smith. Based on the book The Dog Stars by Peter Heller. Directed by Ridley Scott. Budget $110 million. Running time 118 minutes. 

For many years Ridley Scott worked on developing a movie based on the classic science fiction novel, I am Legend by Richard Matheson. It would have been the third adaptation of the book and would have starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role of Robert Neville, played previously by Vincent Price in Last Man on Earth (1964), and Charlton Heston in The Omega Man (1971). Alas it was not to be. 

That was back in 1998, now in 2026, 28 years later Scott bounces back with this! The Dog Stars, a film with that original sf classic embedded in its DNA, featuring as it does a flu-ravaged, post apocalyptic wasteland of ruined, overgrown cities, hordes of nomadic Reapers ravaging the countryside and a stoic, grief-stricken hero and his dog, although this time he's joined by not one, but two stoic, grief-stricken old men with serious anger management issues and one beautiful young woman. That's also the plot, bar the introduction of a mysterious community of survivors operating out of a small town airport.

The book upon what this film is based on, is a staggering slow read, filled with chapters of seemingly endless descriptions of the leaves moving in the wind and stoic PDSD men droning on about nature, and survivalism. It depicts a world much reduced from the one in the film. In the book, chapters fly by with nary a glimpse of another human being. And when they stumble, starved and desperate they number in the ones, or twos. Or in the 'big action beat' scene nine, while in the film it's like bloody Piccadilly Circus, I mean like every five minutes another roaming group of survivors stumble into view only to be executed without a word or difficulty. 

Hig (Jacob Elordi) and Bangley (Josh Brolin) spend their days bickering and shooting anyone who dares to wander onto their patch – a rundown airfield, from where Hig goes flying almost everyday to nearby Denver on supply runs. It's been nine years since the world ended in a flu pandemic and the world is gone. Everyone, except Hig, his much loved dawg, and Bangley, an ex-combat marine, are desperate and starving, but old Hig has it down good, every week he goes off on the weekly shop, just unlike you or I, he goes off in his still functioning light aircraft, fuelled by petrol that's not gone off. He shoots off to Denver with his dog, lands takes out an electric buggy, visits his old home, mourns his dead wife, then goes shopping, picking up sodas and drugs he keeps hidden in a functioning walk-in refrigerator, then on the way back he stops off a nearby Mennonite community  near the airfield and benevolently hands out the drugs and Cokes. But good ole Hig is an ickle sad, his wife died in the pandemic and he sort of blames himself. Then one day he picks up a radio transmission and decides to go off to investigate. Along the way, his engine fails and he's forced to crash-land, but luckily it's only a minor inconvenience as he comes across Cima (Margaret Qualley) and her dad, Jack (Guy Pearce) who are also surviving quite nicely thank you in a secret hidden valley. Anyway, there's a army of reapers who stumble across our gang of friendly survivalists so Hig, Cima and Jack fly away looking for the home of the transmission. Meanwhile, back at home, Bangley is swamped by an sodding army of tattooed skinheads who want what he has. 

This looks beautiful, the post apocalyptic city scapes are eerie and impressive, the cast are fine, although they seem a little bored by it all, and it's competently  directed by Scott, but this is most certainly third tier Scott, down there with the likes of A Good Year, G.I. Jane and Robin Hood. Beyond the expertly finessed art direction, there's nothing here that screams Ripley, sorry Ridley. It's just a generic plod. It's also not helped by the introduction of a truly ridiculous third-act action set-piece which feels like an entirely different film shoehorned in because of the lack of some action, unless your idea of action is watching people clearing a field of rocks and stones.

Trouble is I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic movies and books, I eat them up, call me a prepper, but I just love the idea of wandering the wasteland looking for gazoleen, the last Twinkie or bottle of diet Coke, especially if Margaret Qualley is along for the ride. 

And finally, what's up with Hollywood and this genre of rugged men in light aircraft and their dogs, what with this and the up coming Brad Pitt flick, Heart of the Beast?

This? Slow, sombre, sad but not altogether terrible. That said I bet you a stack of 10,000 dollar bills it's going to polarise people. As for me, I can see myself happily rewatching this as a double bill with The Omega Man on a cold Sunday afternoon. 

7/10