#60: ARMAGEDDON

STARRING: Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Will Patton, Peter Stormare, William Fichtner, Micahael Clarke Duncan, Jason Issacs, Peter Stormare, Keith David, Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi and Ken Campbell. Story by Robert Roy Pool and Jonathan Hensleigh, adaptation by Tony Gilroy and Shane Saleron, screenplay by Jonathan Hensleigh and J.J. Abrams. Directed by Michael Bay. Budget $140 million. Running time 150 minutes. Originally released in 1998. Box office haul $553.7 million.

Back in the day, competing Hollywood studios would often release conflicting films based round the same idea and back in 1998 it was asteroids, there was this and my personal favourite Deep Impact. But of the two, this one, the Michael Bay one was by far the most stoopidist and outrageous, with ridiculous overblown performances, action excesses and insanely bombastic action set-pieces. Released at Cannes of that year, the howls of derision that greeted its screening by the assembled critics of the day prompted a very peeved Bruce Willis to growl, "Well I'm glad you all find the end of the world so amusing." Watched today 28 years later it transcended mere ridicule to become a overblown, over-wraught and expert rollercoaster of pure excess, Michael Bay's OTT direction style is perfect for this film, filled with patriotic sepia tinted slow-motion shots of space-suited heroes, or explosions, or Norman Rockwell middle-America huddled round bakerlite radios and montagues of famous foreign cities and monuments getting obliterated by chunks of sky rocks. All accompanied by a blistering rock soundtrack. This is a world where women are all big breasted and stunning and don't have a lot to do except for being trophies to be won. This is a film that starts with the destruction of the dinosaurs and just keeps getting bigger and louder till the never-in-doubt ending when Bruce Willis saves the whole goddam world, thank you very much!

The plot, as if you need telling, sees the world threatened by an asteroid 30 x bigger than the pissant little pebble that took out the dinos 150 millions years ago, as Charlton Heston, no less, informs us at the beginning. Cut to the present and a space shuttle and crew are shredded alerting the Earth to its impending fate in just 17 days. This forces Nasa, lead by Billy Bob Thornton, to recruit the best-of-the-best oil-rig men in the world on a suicide mission to the asteroid to drill 800 feet into core and detonate an atom bomb, just the sort of thing oil-rig men are trained for. Well, lucky for NASA the best goddam oil-man in the business Harry (Bruce Willis), his daughter Liv Tyler, and his misfit gang of loveable rough-neck work men that includes Ben Affleck (who's in love with Harry's daughter), Will Patton, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan while back on Earth Billy Bob Thornton and Willaim Fichtner do their damndest to save them from the attentions of Keith David who's the President's main general. 

Look it doesn't matter what the plot is, this film isn't about plot it's about bombastic, over-blown action delivered in a glossy box of cutting edge effects, well cutting edge at the time, and more explosions and car crashes than you can shake a shitty stick at. It's directed by Michael Bay who wrote the book on explosions and would go on to make some of the most awful action films in history, including too many of the Transformers movies, Bad Boys I & II, The Ambulance, Pearl Harbour and The Rock (his only good film). But when you consider that he's fifth-most commercially successful director in history and his films have taken over $6.6 billion dollars worldwide shows that I know nothing about film.

Watched as a full-blown comedy action caper this was a mindless, ridiculous and unbelievably silly romp that entertained and didn't outstay its welcome, despite being over 2 1/2 hours long. Bruce Willis fully commits to his role as the world's greatest dad and hero and you can see he truly believes in the role. The effects are terrific and the sense of American jingoistic fervour drips from the screen. 

A hoot to see it up there on the big screen again and a reminder that Hollywood just doesn't make this sort of thing any more.

All that said, I still preferred Deep Impact.

When I first saw this back in 1998 I was far less forgiving and slated this with a brutal 4/10.

This time round, 28 years later, I enjoyed it far more and perhaps because of its ridiculous earnestness and OTT excesses I feel a bombastic score of 8/10 is more worthy. 

#59: TOY STORY 5

 

STARRING: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Conan O'brient, Scarlet Spears, Greta Lee, Shelby Rabara, Mykal-Michelle Harris and Craig Robinson. Story by Andrew Stanton, screenplay by Andrew Stanton. Directed by Andrew Stanton. Budget $250 million. Running time 102 minutes. 

It's been 31 years since the very first Toy Story film arrived and changed absolutely everything about animation and heralded a new era that spelled the end of full-length hand-drawn feature films. It created the standard look for all CGI animated films for a decade to come and made Pixar the greatest animation force in the world. With it's battle cry of 'Story is King!' and the declaration that they'd never do a sequel, Pixar ruled the roost and each film in its canon roared and zinged. Then Disney took over and 'Greed is Good' became its mantra and they started out churning out sequels to successful animated films. However in the case of Toy Story, this wasn't a bad thing and both Toy Story 2 and 3 set new benchmarks in both the skill of animation and the strength of the stories. And if they'd left it there then those first three films would heralded as the greatest trilogy of all-times. However Disney needed to squeeze more money out of the franchise and did TS4, which while not being a bad film, wasn't that memorable. It came out in 2019 and all I can remember of it is that Keanu Reeves was one of the voice actors. And then in 2022 we were given Buzz Lightyear, an animated film based on the character of Buzz and that was truly bad.

And so we arrive here for the fifth in the series, but has it learned from from those past two miss-fires and returned to the dream of story first or is it yet another soulless, cash-grab?

In the middle of the Pacific Ocean an cargo container washes up on a desert island and disgorges a literally ship load of hi-tech Buzz Lightyears who promptly set off in search of Star Command, not knowing they are toys. Meanwhile thousands of miles away little eight-year old Bonnie, the little girl who inherited Andy's toys, longs to make friends but still plays with old fashioned toys, like Jessie and Buzz, and the rest is gifted the latest 'tech-toy' called Lilypad, who promptly takes over Bonnie's life leading to an existential drama as the toys are left behind and Jessie (Joan Cusack) and Bullseye is forced to go on a complicated and multi-layered quest that sees her taken back to her very first home and the loving hands of another lonely girl called Blaze. Into the complicated mix drops Woody who sets off with Buzz to try and rescue Jessie, thinking she's in trouble. Leading all to a dramatic and emotional ending which will leave you with moistened eyes and a lump in your throat. 

My god, a month ago I was slagging off the last Pixar film, Hoppers as a cluttered, over-complicated and needlessly messy affair that seemed more determined to teach a valuable lesson than to entertain. Coupled with the fear that Pixar had lost its way of late with a series of films that utterly failed to ignite my enthusiasm that I approached this one with a sense of trepidation. Luckily the fact this was co-written and co-directed by Andrew Stanton made me give it a go and I'm bloody glad I did!

Toy Story 5's main focus is Jessie, who takes the lead role leaving Woody and Buzz to more secondary roles as they play catch up and try to help the mostly female cast, With both Bonnie and Blaze providing the  emotional core of the film, Toy Story 5 explores themes of legacy, social media and its effects upon a generation of children who live by the screen, and idenity. And through it all march the army of Buzz Lightyear super toys set on getting to Star Command, which just so happens to be in the back garden of Blazes house. 

Animation wise, this was first class, the lighting is so good it looks utterly natural, which is also its main failing. This looks so realistic that it stops looking like animation and becomes something different, it almost looks like AI cartoons, everything too smooth and perfect. Call me old fashioned but I want my animation a little bit rougher than this. But that is the only failing of this wonderfully joyous and emotional rollercoaster of a film, a film I'm not ashamed to admit left me silently weeping tears. It's at turns funny, emotional and thrilling and for once it doesn't push your buttons and seems to organically arrive at it's central message. By the end I was smiling ear to ear.

I loved it and it's gone a long way to restore my faith in Pixar and to redeem them their recent past digressions of the likes of Hopper, and the woeful Buzz Lightyear. 

9/10

#58: INTER-STELLA!!!! TAKE 2

Starring Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Michael Caine, Bill Irwin, Ben Affleck, John Lithgow and Matt Damon. Music by Hans Zimmer. Written by Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, directed by Christopher Nolan. Budget $165 million. Box office takings so far $774.7 million. Running time 169 minutes long. Originally released in 2014.

INTER-STELLA!!!!!

One hundred and sixty nine minutes long! That's bum numbing and no mistake and it certainly cost this re-release several punters, but that's over shadowed by just how packed the screen was for this 12 year-old film, it's was practically packed, and since you weren't there you'll have to take my word for it. 

ANYWAY, 12 years ago I gave this 9/10 but what was my take this time round? Before I get to my reconsidered score I thought I'd share my review from that original screening. 

In the near future, although when exactly is never stated, the world is slowly dying and mankind is in danger of meekly going into the night. With dust storms sweeping the world (or atleast the US, cos let's face it, that's all the world we need to see) to the death of crops due to the 'Blight', things aren't looking all that rosey for mankind and in particular, ex NASA astronaut and engineer, widower, parent of two, Cooper (McConaughey) whose life and farm is slowly becoming entombed in the ever-encroaching sand. One day, while following mysterious magnetic signals he is lead to a secret NASA underground complex and offered the chance to pilot a mission to a universe on the other side of a newly discovered worm hole in orbit around Jupiter. That universe seems to offer a choice of 12 different planets for mankind to relocate to and our plucky, huge-headed, hero takes it like a randy sheep herder left to gaurd a flock of ridiculously attractive young spring lambs. Alas he must leave behind the one thing he loves most in the world, his young brilliantly precocious daughter, Murphy. Oh and his son, Thingie. (not me, that's actually his name.) And to make matters worse he has no idea how long he'll be gone...

What follows is a serious, intense drama that's the true definition of a Marmite experience and no mistake. Loved or loathed and not much in the middle.

It's interesting to note that in the lead up to this film, the expectations of the online film community and its ilk was insanely high and now that the film is out, most of those eager and excited film sites have laid into it with a passion, sighting each and every slight and error, berating it from the sound design to the IMAX ratio to the introduction of the battling banjo sequence during the post credit sequence and most bizarrely the physics behind the science fiction. They delight in pointing out each and everything wrong with it. The trouble is, I think they're missing the point. This is an astonishing film of great scope and superb craft, Nolan is perhaps, the finest and most technically accomplished director of his generation and I'm hard pressed to think of another director with the same scope the same ambition. He might even be the next Kubrick, or at least a Kubrick cut with a healthy dose of Speilberg.

This is a film that reminds you of previous movies, most particularly 2001: A Space Odyssey and Contact, but that isn't a negative comment it's just cut from the same cloth. It feels like a brave film to make in the 21st century and it's amazing that Nolan was able to get an industry obsessed with franchises and super-hero movies to make a one-of-a-kind science fiction flick with no chance of a sequel.

I could sit here and winge on about all the minor plot holes and petty things that niggled me but the truth is that once the film had had finished I felt awed by what I had see, touched by aspects and emotionally satisfied.

I can't remember the last time I saw a meaty, solid, adult science fiction film without a single laser gun, battle fleet or explosion, well okay, one explosion or one that so engrossed me and yet i listen to the haters and I fully understand their frustrations and I even agree with many of the nit-pickers but it didn't matter to me, I was lost in the scope of the thing. It is a spectacle that deserves to be seen. Just don't blame me if you hate it.

9/10 

So, what now 12 years later has my opinion changed, do I see through it like the Emperor's New Clothing or am I still in the thrall of the Cult of Nolan? Well, truth be told a bit of both. On one hand it's a delight to see Hollywood making these sorts of films and it laid the path for films like The Martian, Terry and Dune 1 & 2, Project: Hail Mary and even this year's  Disclosure Day. It's a poe-faced serious science fiction film without space battles, robots and all that stuff, even if it does have robots, a fight in space suits and a frantic space battle, but it's also one of those SF movies that suffers from Star Trek:TOS-itous, that of 'love' saving the day. I went into this bemused by the memory of it ending up with McConaughey in a 5-dimensional library throwing books at his young daughter but wasn't that bothered by it this time. I had more problems with the plot contriving a trip to NASA through a morse code signal, that seems a little plotty for me. That plus the massive concrete spaceship, which similarly made no sense, but beneath it all there was some good stuff here and I found my self engrossed and falling for it again. It's not perfect, there are still things I struggle with plot wise, but once the drama starts it doesn't let up and it's enthralling. Plus this time round I found Hans Zimmer soundtrack extremely effective. Overall this was still satisfying and even a little heart tugging at times. I glad I resaw it and judging by the number of people in the screening I wasn't alone. And once again, how great to see it up there on the big screen again.

This still gets a solid 9/10

#57: DISCLOSURE DAY

 

STARRING: Emily Blunt, Josh O'Connor, Colin Firth, Eve Hewson, Colman Domingo, Wyatt Russell, Henry Lloyd-Hughes and Elizabeth Marvel. Screenplay by David Koepp. Music by John Williams. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Budget $115 million. Running time 145 minutes. 

Cybersecurity expert Daniel Kellner (Josh O'Connor) is on the run with his ex-nun girlfriend Jane Blankenship (Eve Hewson) from Wardex Corp's Noah Scanlon (Colin Firth) and his private army of storm troopers and tech team. It turns out that Daniel has stolen a vast cache of UFO data and is threatening to expose it. Meanwhile Kansas City TV weather girl, Margaret Fairchild (Emily Blunt) seems to be having a nervous breakdown, when live on TV she starts talking in guttural clicks and whistles, not only that but she can talk fluently in foreign languages she couldn't speak before and she can read minds too! Anyway, these two crazy kids are on the lame and being chased by Noah and his gang of corporate thugs and desperate to meet up with Hugo Wakefield (Colman Domingo) who used to work with Noah at Wardex, that is till he defected and set up a force to combat his old boss and expose the secrets of alien visitations. 

Now, against the backdrop of an impending World War, our two plucky heroes must dodge pursuit, meet up, unlock their shared childhood traumas and somehow find out what the ruddy hell is going on!

And such is the plot of Steven Spielbergs' 37th feature film. This was a gripping and exciting science fiction thriller that starts brilliantly well and very nearly scores a perfect 10/10, but sadly an odd moment late in the third act stymied it for me, although not enough to ruin this wonderfully exhilarating film. Emily Blunt is the 100% the film's MVP, she is mesmerising, engaging and simply superb in the role of the Weather girl coming to terms with mysterious powers. Similarly, lug-eared Josh, rumoured to be in contention for the coveted role of Bond (God, I hope he doesn't get it), also delivers in the acting dept, his role, which starts as the main focus of the film, but slowly gives way to Emily Blunt as her significance becomes apparent. Also special mention to Colin Firth for once playing a villain who brings a genuine sense of sinister intent to the role.

Beautifully directed by Spielberg, that man really knows how to stage action set-pieces and how to block dialogue heavy exposition scenes. John Williams soundtrack sounds fresh and easily melts into the background becoming almost unheard and yet at the same time increasing the emotional pull of the film. A true master class in soundtracks. The script by David Koepp, from a story by Spielberg,  keeps on upping the ante and building to an almost satisfactory ending, the only fly in the ointment being the sudden and almost total disappearance of the bad guys in the final reveal. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this, scratch that, I bloody loved it and for once the payoff was compelling and profound, it's a brave director and writer who have the guts to show-and-tell, and it's pleasing to report that it doesn't let you down. Indeed, those two hours and 25 minutes flew by like an Unexplained Arial Phenomenon.

9/10

  

#56: SCARY MOVIE 6

 

STARRING: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Anna Faris and Regina Hall, there are many more actors but I can't be arsed to name them. Shat out by Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Craig Wayans and Rick Alverez. Directed by Michael Tiddes. Budget $30 million. Running time 96 minutes. 

This was the first Scary Movie I have ever seen and it will be the last. A more shit-stain of a film I cannot remember seeing in a very long time. I smiled twice at two 'jokes' and emitted a single 'ha' at another third joke about the film Ballerina. It is lazy, badly written, badly acted, badly directed, this not Ballerina. Although if you find the use of the 'N' word hilarious then this will be the film for you. Similarly if you like references to horror films from nine years ago then rest assured you'll be laughing yourself horse at this one. Likewise, if you find knife crime funny then oh boy are you in for a treat, it's the weapon of choice for all of the killings in the film and watching people getting stabbed to death is always funny. God. How I laughed. 

Taking references from not just horror films but also from another Wayan comedy from 2004 White Chicks, the Wayan brothers leave no stone unturned in their desperate search for something, anything, funny and they fail spectacularly, in fact they should be ashamed of what they have produced. It is grubby, ugly, and so packed full of feces that you can actually smell the stench of its achievements, it has not one ounce of merit in its far too long 96 minute running time. Long gone now the joys of the Airplane! movies that heralded the birth of the spoof film, of which this is supposedly one. Likewise gone the skill of the jokes and writing of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker who knew how to make a spoof. This is ghastly, shouty, crass, sloppy, and utterly inept. It is one second sleazy, then unnecessarily crude, then stupid, then racist or at least reverse racist, then just shit, the jokes are all cheap and, to coin a word like Trump - shit. Actually, so shit is this piece of crap that it is nothing more than an actual visual interpretation of the Bristol Stool chart - which is a medical poster that, through the use of images shows the viewer all the different types of shit a human can produce. I wouldn't be surprised if that chart didn't get updated with the poster of this film added to the pantheon of shit types, so utterly fecal this is. 

There is nothing, not one thing good to say about this shitty, crappy, film. It is made by talentless cretins for cretins. It has nothing, not one iota, to recommend it. In fact I feel more stupid for having seen it.

This might well be the worst comedy film I have ever seen. It most certainly is the second worst film of the year, the first being Melania. A bigger bag of utter shite I cannot remember seeing, this not that, although it's a close run thing. However, my mother always said that if you have nothing good to say then say nothing. So, I'm going to end my review with one good note, one I hope will be used on the poster.

This is an actual visual interpretation of a putrid toilet bowl of overflowing excrement. 

1/10
 

#55: SAVAGE HOUSE

 

STARRING: Richard E. Grant, Claire Foy, Reginald Halifax, Dorothy Neville, Kila Lord Cassidy,  Richard McCabe, Vicki Pepperdine,  Pip Torrens and Miles Jupp. Written by Peter Glanz. Directed by Peter Glanz. Produced by Peter Glanz. Edited by Peter Glanz. Music by Peter Glanz. Oh, and also produced by Oliver Roskill, Mark Hopkins, Dylan Maranda and Phillip Thomas. Cinematography by Adriano Goldman. Running time 114 minutes. 

During a pox outbreak and Jacobite uprising, whatever that means, in 1715, hideous social climber, cheating gambler, drunk and unbridled fornicator, Sir Chauncey Savage (Richard E. Grant) and his titled wife, Lady Savage (Claire Foy) spend their days in decadent excess shagging their staff, and squandering what little remains of her family fortune. Chauncey, once a begger has somehow managed to claw his way into the aristocracy, mostly by marrying her and has no intention of going back, sadly they're down to peddling the last of her jewels and antiques trying to keep Savage House going. With creditors and swindled business men hammering at their door, the future of Savage House rests on a letter sent by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire inviting themselves to dinner, which sets in motion a relentless string of incidents that includes murder, duels, amputations, deception, embezzlement, gout, greed, shagging, mice and surgical procedures.

In a nutshell imagine Barry Lyndon crossed with Draftsman's Contract by way of The Favourite and you'd still be no closer to whatever this is. Saved entirely by the cast, lead by the peerless coupling of Grant and Foy, whose film this is, and featuring a game cast of plucky English actors who are well up for a laff. 

Sadly, despite all that this film is a mess, with an ending so clumsy, anti-climatic and mishandled that it actually harms the film and robs it of a solid 8/10. There's just far too many plot points left unanswered, and far too many questions. Plot points arrive and lead one to imagine the film is going in one direction only for that plot point to be dropped in favour of another, and another, and another. Important incidents are hinted at and when they arrive they do so with all the drama of a dropped balloon. The film tries hard to be the next Barry Lyndon, with its use of candle lit scenes, or the pretence of, that it makes most of this look like a murky sepia stained shadow. That coupled with a truly invasive soundtrack, also by Peter Glanz that consists of the overuse of a crescendo of screening strings that drowns out the dialogue and feel more at home in a horror film, it conveys a sense of terrible foreboding and horror that just doesn't exist in this film, and is so intrusive that it pulled me out of the film entirely each time it's used, and it's used a lot.

For a long portion of the running time of the film I was fully onboard and invested but after just one too many plot misdirects and the bad ending my patience just snapped. 

I think the main problem lies exclusively in the hands of Peter Glanz, who wrote, directed, produced and edited this, as well as provided the music. And all that does it make it feel like the only voice heard on this film was Glanz, you can't help but think that if only someone else was there to say 'no' to some of his ridiculous plot points it might have made for a vastly more superior movie. 

Because there's something fantastic in this film, it's Grant and Foy, I've not seen Grant act this well in ages, and whereas he could have just reused the portrayal of Withnail, he instead opts to create an entirely new and truly unique and deeply unpleasant character in Chauncey. Likewise Foy shows some simply brilliant comedic chops and shows us she's not just the Queen. Special mention too to Jack Farthing as Chauncey's scheming man-service and valet, Reginald Halifax and Bel Powley as Lady Savage's Lady in Waiting, Dorothy Neville, who both bring some great performances. 

The thing is I bet there was a far better film that was left on the cutting room floor, because the cast are having the time of their lives and the number of forementioned undeveloped plot points.

Ultimately this gets a 7/10, but could have so easily have scored an 8 or 9 if only it had been better structured. 

#54: OBSESSION

 

STARRING: Michael Johnston, Inde Navarrette, Cooper Tomlinson, Megan Lawless and Andy Richter. Written and directed by Curry Barker. Budget $750,000. Box office to date $167 million. Running time 109 minutes.

Hollywood is in turmoil, all it's big budget epic blockblusters are crashing and burning in spectacular failure or under-performance while two little trains that can, this one, Obsession and Backrooms over performance like it's going out of fashion! In the case of the later it made 8 times it's budget in its opening weekend, while the former has so far taken $167 million off of a $750,000 budget, and that's simply astounding! Now, I'm not a huge fan of horror films, although that said I saw Weapons and Sinners last year and three so-called horror films this year, so far - Send Help, Ready or Not 2 and They Will Kill You. So, perhaps I'm warming to them again. 

So, what's the plot, Doc? Baron 'Bear' Bailey (Michael Johnston) is a nervous, pathetic, grubby wimp of a man working as a shop assistant in a music shop alongside his best friend, Ian (Cooper Tomlinson), Ian's girlfriend Sarah Harper (Megan Lawless) and Nikki Freeman (Inde Navarrette) whom Bear has a deeply felt crush for. Despite practicing asking her out, Bear chickens out when push comes to shove and she tells him she's going to quit the store and go travelling.  In desperation, Bear buys a Make a Wish novelty gift from one of those crystal and hippy shops and wishes that Nikki loves him more than anyone else in the world. Astonishingly his wish comes true and Nikki becomes horrifically and terrifyingly in love with him and his life starts to come apart at the seams as Nikki's truly obsessive love for him impacts every aspect of his life leading to a shocking display of increasing violence, death and brutal, brutal murder and a kicker of a punchline.

Written and directed by first time movie director, Curry Barker, this is a superbly unsettling, scary and vicious little horror film that just keeps upping the anti and keeping us on tender hooks. Full credit has to go to Inde Navarrette as Nikki who is simply incredible in the role. Leaping between love obsessed and frighteningly psychotic, sometimes second by second she brings a fantastic level of obsession to the role and the film works purely because of her. Far less successful is Michael Johnson as the utterly pathetic Bear Bailey who's just an utter and total pathetic waste of space. His decisions control the film and everything that happens is because of him. It doesn't help that he's such a wimp and looks like an even more wimpy Billy Crudup, nor does his lank, greasy, limp-haired topped mop of hair that sits slumped on top of his pasty and permanently sweaty face. You feel for her and hope that he gets his just deserts. Well, I'm not going to tell you here what happens, but believe me it's a doozy!

Well direction, and featuring some good cinematography, and an unsettling soundtrack filled with uncomfortable noises and sounds this was a damn fine horror film, vastly more traditional than the other blockbuster horror film Backrooms, but nevertheless deeply entertaining, oh and bloody gory!

8/10