#61: EDGE OF TOMORROW

 

Starring Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt and Bill Paxton, Brendan Gleeson. Screenplay by Christopher McQuarrie, Jez Butterworth and John-Henry Butterworth. Based on All You Need is Kill by Hiroshi Sakurazaka. Cinematography by Dion Beebe. Directed by Doug Liman. Budget $178 million. Worldwide Box office take: $381 million. Originally released in 2014. Running time: 113 minutes.

12 years later...

I saw this twice back in 2014 and then at least four times since then. It blew me away then and my only major criticism was the title. Oh, if only they'd use the tagline. But that's beside the point. What's the plot Mr. Leach?

The world has been invaded by a mysterious alien threat called Mimics and is slowly losing the war. In a last ditch, desperate fight back, Earth launches a huge counterstrike on the beaches of France and American PR expert, Major John Cage (played by Tom Cruise) is an ex-ad man and professional coward is press-ganged into the big assault, only to die, horribly, minutes after landing on the beach, doused in the steaming blood of one of the terrifying, lighting-fast, multi-tentacled beasties, which he kills with a claymore mine, but then he awakens on the morning of the day before and finds himself reliving the same day again, each time he dies - reliving the day before, slowly he begins to avoid his deaths as he learns the times and starts to solve the mystery of what's happened to him and how to defeat the aliens. Along the way he encounters  Sergeant Rita Vrataski (Emily Blunt) who was also once doused in the blood of a Mimic and relived the same day until she lost the ability, together they fight they way off the beach and towards Paris in search of the Mimic's hidden home-base, codenamed 'Omega' and the means of ending the war.

Back then I described this as 'The most interesting and original summer blockbuster [of the year].' And I stand by that, infact I'd say it's still one of the most original and interesting science fiction films I've seen.  

It's got a superb cast, with note-perfect performances from Cruise, as the cowardly John Cage and Emily Blunt as the 'Iron Arch of Verdun', for once a truly believable kick-ass female warrior, who schools Cage in the art of bloody warfare. Limen directs the massive chaotic film with great skill, and from a script co-written by Christopher McQuarrie, who would go on to collaborate with Cruise on the Mission Impossible films. The special effects are superb, as is the cinematogaphy and music. There's no other way of saying it, but Edge of Tomorrow is a hell of a movie.

Sure, it's a mash up of Groundhog Day meets Starship Troopers meets Saving Private Ryan but it's one of those rare films that once it gets its claws into you it doesn't let up. I completely forgot I was in a cinema so engrossed did I become. The opening battle scene on the beach is visceral, noisy, chaotic and exhilarating and forms the backbone of the film. Doug Liman also manages to seed the film with some much needed gallow humours.

Despite the fact the film deals with a character reliving the same day over and over again, it never becomes repetitive and Liman does a superb job keeping this engrossing and involving throughout its entire running time.

Blunt and Cruise work extremely well together and their unique relationship is what lies at the centre of this film, Cruise excels in his role and give one of his strongest performances in ages.

This is Cruise's fourth science fiction film and arguably his best so far.

9/10

2026 VERDICT.

12 years later and this still thrills and excites in equal measure. A totally satisfying film and well worth a repeat view. 

9/10

#60: SUPERGIRL

 

STARRING: Milly Alcock, Matthias Schoenaerts, Eve Ridley, David Krumholtz, Emily Beecham, David Corenswet and Jason Momoa. Written by Ana Hogueira. Produced by James Gunn and Peter Safran. Directed by Craig Gillespie. Budget $170 million. Running time 108 minutes.

Coming in at just short of two hours this is one of the most anticipated and trailed films in living memory, trailers seem to have been on our screens all year and it's only in the past week that we've finally been given a new one. Nowadays, unless I avoid social media entirely I run the risk of knowing the entire story, outcome, major plot points, and all the big bombastic beats before I've even sat down in my seat. Supergirl is a case in point. I'm going in pretty blind and with my expectations set to low, despite the number of features, click baits and rumours I've seen hinted at on the internet, so far I've avoided them all and read none of reviews so I'm going in with no preconceptions other than my own. I like the trailers, the character looks fun, I'm excited by Lobo and we get to see some more of David Corenswet's excellent Superman, so I'm looking forward to this one. 

See you in 108 minutes.

And I'm back in the room having sat through Supergirl. The plot sees 23 year-old Kara Zor-El aka Supergirl, Superman's cousin, in the middle of an intergalactic pub-crawl and bender with her dog, Krypto staggering from one red sun planet bar to the next just so she can get shit-faced, turns out red run rays mean she can get pissed, and boy is she doing her best to fuck up her liver. ANYWAY, on one of those planets a generic group of brigands from the film Serenity led by the lead baddie Kerm of the Yellow Hills (Matthias Schoenaerts) who looks, and acts like a cross between Charlie Day and Vivian from The Young Ones arrive at the home of a blacksmith and sword-maker, kill him, the wife and their eldest son but leave the daugther, Ruthye Marye Knoll (Eve Ridley) alive for the plot to work, big up to 1982's Conan The Barbarian for the plot point. SO Ruthye doing her best Little Needle from Game of Thrones goes on a quest to find a warrior to help her track Kerm down, thanks to True Grit  for the plot point. She finds Kara, pissed in a bar and the two team up. However, Kara has no skin in the game so Kerm shoots Krypto with a poison that takes three days to work and steals her space ship, so now Supergirl and Ruthye have to take the space bus to chase Kerm to another planet where a chance encounter with the immortal bounty hunter Lobo (Jason Momoa) brings the final member of the gang to the party, and off they go chasing after the brigands who are stealing women to be their wives, thanks to Mad Max: Fury Road for the plot point. From then on, people die, get killed, Kara finally excepts her destiny and becomes Supergirl, thanks to every superhero origin film ever made for the plot point and saves the day, stopping Ruthye from killing Kerm herself for, you know, karma shit and stabs him to death herself, once in the gut and then once up through his throat into his brain. And this isn't the only person Kara kills and the film ends with Kara, now Supergirl returning to Superman back on Earth, but only after she's finished her intergalactic pub-crawl with Ruthye. 

What a throughly wholesome and life-affirming little film this isn't. Within the first ten minutes we are introduced to Kara, a pissed young woman who constantly wakes up unconscious after an all-night dinking session, which usually ends up in extreme violence, and her lying in a tatty spaceship camper van with her untrained dog who pisses wherever he likes. Later on we'll get to see her have a piss on the toilet before falling asleep, then she'll stab an opponent in the gut with a bloody great knife with no consequences, it would seem that knife crime in outer space is absolutely fine. And whereas we once watched Superman forced to take a life to save a planet, his cousin doesn't give a shit about life, human or not, and murders her way through the cast of villains with utter impunity and disregard and it ends up making the whole spectacle a little bit unpleasant. Rated 12A for a reason I would not take young kids to see this and how sad is that? To think the studio and DC couldn't be arsed to make a film aimed at kids opting instead for a nihilistic, suicidal and borderline alcoholic heroine to showcase this all-new 21st Century Supergirl. 

Despite how unpleasant and mean spirited this is, Milly Alcock is great and deserves so much better than this slop. This is yet another film aimed squarely at a female audience following on from last week's Toy Story 5, where the women and female characters are all strong, heroic and uber pro-active while the men or males are either villains or bungling sidekicks there mostly for comic relief. 

Owing a lot to Star Wars  for it's look and intergalactic drinking establishments, this has no unique look or style of its own and borrows liberally from all that's come before it. There's nothing new to see here. It's just a Frankenstein film built from plot points and parts from other movies with knowing winks and featuring strangely anachronistic musical choices, alien bands playing their versions of The Girl From Ipanema for example.    

The film builds to its never-in-doubt conclusion where Supergirl kills every single member of the brigands in quite a brutal fashion, but it's alright as they're all bad. And then it ends.

This was a bog-standard trainwreck rather than a spectacular derailment, it's nowhere near as bad as Morbius, Madame Webb, Blue Beetle, Black Adam to name but four, and sadly that's its only saving grace, and it's only blessing and those are in short supply. Another plus is there's no post credit or mid credit scene so sit through 5 minutes of credits for so you can get up and leave as soon as the film ends without missing anything. 

The audience for this left briskly and silently, there was no chatting to overhear afterwards. It's not a dreadful film, just not dreadfully good. And that's that.

6/10

#60: ARMAGEDDON

STARRING: Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Will Patton, Peter Stormare, William Fichtner, Micahael Clarke Duncan, Jason Issacs, Peter Stormare, Keith David, Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi and Ken Campbell. Story by Robert Roy Pool and Jonathan Hensleigh, adaptation by Tony Gilroy and Shane Saleron, screenplay by Jonathan Hensleigh and J.J. Abrams. Directed by Michael Bay. Budget $140 million. Running time 150 minutes. Originally released in 1998. Box office haul $553.7 million.

Back in the day, competing Hollywood studios would often release conflicting films based round the same idea and back in 1998 it was asteroids, there was this and my personal favourite Deep Impact. But of the two, this one, the Michael Bay one was by far the most stoopidist and outrageous, with ridiculous overblown performances, action excesses and insanely bombastic action set-pieces. Released at Cannes of that year, the howls of derision that greeted its screening by the assembled critics of the day prompted a very peeved Bruce Willis to growl, "Well I'm glad you all find the end of the world so amusing." Watched today 28 years later it transcended mere ridicule to become a overblown, over-wraught and expert rollercoaster of pure excess, Michael Bay's OTT direction style is perfect for this film, filled with patriotic sepia tinted slow-motion shots of space-suited heroes, or explosions, or Norman Rockwell middle-America huddled round bakerlite radios and montagues of famous foreign cities and monuments getting obliterated by chunks of sky rocks. All accompanied by a blistering rock soundtrack. This is a world where women are all big breasted and stunning and don't have a lot to do except for being trophies to be won. This is a film that starts with the destruction of the dinosaurs and just keeps getting bigger and louder till the never-in-doubt ending when Bruce Willis saves the whole goddam world, thank you very much!

The plot, as if you need telling, sees the world threatened by an asteroid 30 x bigger than the pissant little pebble that took out the dinos 150 millions years ago, as Charlton Heston, no less, informs us at the beginning. Cut to the present and a space shuttle and crew are shredded alerting the Earth to its impending fate in just 17 days. This forces Nasa, lead by Billy Bob Thornton, to recruit the best-of-the-best oil-rig men in the world on a suicide mission to the asteroid to drill 800 feet into core and detonate an atom bomb, just the sort of thing oil-rig men are trained for. Well, lucky for NASA the best goddam oil-man in the business Harry (Bruce Willis), his daughter Liv Tyler, and his misfit gang of loveable rough-neck work men that includes Ben Affleck (who's in love with Harry's daughter), Will Patton, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan while back on Earth Billy Bob Thornton and Willaim Fichtner do their damndest to save them from the attentions of Keith David who's the President's main general. 

Look it doesn't matter what the plot is, this film isn't about plot it's about bombastic, over-blown action delivered in a glossy box of cutting edge effects, well cutting edge at the time, and more explosions and car crashes than you can shake a shitty stick at. It's directed by Michael Bay who wrote the book on explosions and would go on to make some of the most awful action films in history, including too many of the Transformers movies, Bad Boys I & II, The Ambulance, Pearl Harbour and The Rock (his only good film). But when you consider that he's fifth-most commercially successful director in history and his films have taken over $6.6 billion dollars worldwide shows that I know nothing about film.

Watched as a full-blown comedy action caper this was a mindless, ridiculous and unbelievably silly romp that entertained and didn't outstay its welcome, despite being over 2 1/2 hours long. Bruce Willis fully commits to his role as the world's greatest dad and hero and you can see he truly believes in the role. The effects are terrific and the sense of American jingoistic fervour drips from the screen. 

A hoot to see it up there on the big screen again and a reminder that Hollywood just doesn't make this sort of thing any more.

All that said, I still preferred Deep Impact.

When I first saw this back in 1998 I was far less forgiving and slated this with a brutal 4/10.

This time round, 28 years later, I enjoyed it far more and perhaps because of its ridiculous earnestness and OTT excesses I feel a bombastic score of 8/10 is more worthy. 

#59: TOY STORY 5

 

STARRING: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Conan O'brient, Scarlet Spears, Greta Lee, Shelby Rabara, Mykal-Michelle Harris and Craig Robinson. Story by Andrew Stanton, screenplay by Andrew Stanton. Directed by Andrew Stanton. Budget $250 million. Running time 102 minutes. 

It's been 31 years since the very first Toy Story film arrived and changed absolutely everything about animation and heralded a new era that spelled the end of full-length hand-drawn feature films. It created the standard look for all CGI animated films for a decade to come and made Pixar the greatest animation force in the world. With it's battle cry of 'Story is King!' and the declaration that they'd never do a sequel, Pixar ruled the roost and each film in its canon roared and zinged. Then Disney took over and 'Greed is Good' became its mantra and they started out churning out sequels to successful animated films. However in the case of Toy Story, this wasn't a bad thing and both Toy Story 2 and 3 set new benchmarks in both the skill of animation and the strength of the stories. And if they'd left it there then those first three films would heralded as the greatest trilogy of all-times. However Disney needed to squeeze more money out of the franchise and did TS4, which while not being a bad film, wasn't that memorable. It came out in 2019 and all I can remember of it is that Keanu Reeves was one of the voice actors. And then in 2022 we were given Buzz Lightyear, an animated film based on the character of Buzz and that was truly bad.

And so we arrive here for the fifth in the series, but has it learned from from those past two miss-fires and returned to the dream of story first or is it yet another soulless, cash-grab?

In the middle of the Pacific Ocean an cargo container washes up on a desert island and disgorges a literally ship load of hi-tech Buzz Lightyears who promptly set off in search of Star Command, not knowing they are toys. Meanwhile thousands of miles away little eight-year old Bonnie, the little girl who inherited Andy's toys, longs to make friends but still plays with old fashioned toys, like Jessie and Buzz, and the rest is gifted the latest 'tech-toy' called Lilypad, who promptly takes over Bonnie's life leading to an existential drama as the toys are left behind and Jessie (Joan Cusack) and Bullseye is forced to go on a complicated and multi-layered quest that sees her taken back to her very first home and the loving hands of another lonely girl called Blaze. Into the complicated mix drops Woody who sets off with Buzz to try and rescue Jessie, thinking she's in trouble. Leading all to a dramatic and emotional ending which will leave you with moistened eyes and a lump in your throat. 

My god, a month ago I was slagging off the last Pixar film, Hoppers as a cluttered, over-complicated and needlessly messy affair that seemed more determined to teach a valuable lesson than to entertain. Coupled with the fear that Pixar had lost its way of late with a series of films that utterly failed to ignite my enthusiasm that I approached this one with a sense of trepidation. Luckily the fact this was co-written and co-directed by Andrew Stanton made me give it a go and I'm bloody glad I did!

Toy Story 5's main focus is Jessie, who takes the lead role leaving Woody and Buzz to more secondary roles as they play catch up and try to help the mostly female cast, With both Bonnie and Blaze providing the  emotional core of the film, Toy Story 5 explores themes of legacy, social media and its effects upon a generation of children who live by the screen, and idenity. And through it all march the army of Buzz Lightyear super toys set on getting to Star Command, which just so happens to be in the back garden of Blazes house. 

Animation wise, this was first class, the lighting is so good it looks utterly natural, which is also its main failing. This looks so realistic that it stops looking like animation and becomes something different, it almost looks like AI cartoons, everything too smooth and perfect. Call me old fashioned but I want my animation a little bit rougher than this. But that is the only failing of this wonderfully joyous and emotional rollercoaster of a film, a film I'm not ashamed to admit left me silently weeping tears. It's at turns funny, emotional and thrilling and for once it doesn't push your buttons and seems to organically arrive at it's central message. By the end I was smiling ear to ear.

I loved it and it's gone a long way to restore my faith in Pixar and to redeem them their recent past digressions of the likes of Hopper, and the woeful Buzz Lightyear. 

9/10

#58: INTER-STELLA!!!! TAKE 2

Starring Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Michael Caine, Bill Irwin, Ben Affleck, John Lithgow and Matt Damon. Music by Hans Zimmer. Written by Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, directed by Christopher Nolan. Budget $165 million. Box office takings so far $774.7 million. Running time 169 minutes long. Originally released in 2014.

INTER-STELLA!!!!!

One hundred and sixty nine minutes long! That's bum numbing and no mistake and it certainly cost this re-release several punters, but that's over shadowed by just how packed the screen was for this 12 year-old film, it's was practically packed, and since you weren't there you'll have to take my word for it. 

ANYWAY, 12 years ago I gave this 9/10 but what was my take this time round? Before I get to my reconsidered score I thought I'd share my review from that original screening. 

In the near future, although when exactly is never stated, the world is slowly dying and mankind is in danger of meekly going into the night. With dust storms sweeping the world (or atleast the US, cos let's face it, that's all the world we need to see) to the death of crops due to the 'Blight', things aren't looking all that rosey for mankind and in particular, ex NASA astronaut and engineer, widower, parent of two, Cooper (McConaughey) whose life and farm is slowly becoming entombed in the ever-encroaching sand. One day, while following mysterious magnetic signals he is lead to a secret NASA underground complex and offered the chance to pilot a mission to a universe on the other side of a newly discovered worm hole in orbit around Jupiter. That universe seems to offer a choice of 12 different planets for mankind to relocate to and our plucky, huge-headed, hero takes it like a randy sheep herder left to gaurd a flock of ridiculously attractive young spring lambs. Alas he must leave behind the one thing he loves most in the world, his young brilliantly precocious daughter, Murphy. Oh and his son, Thingie. (not me, that's actually his name.) And to make matters worse he has no idea how long he'll be gone...

What follows is a serious, intense drama that's the true definition of a Marmite experience and no mistake. Loved or loathed and not much in the middle.

It's interesting to note that in the lead up to this film, the expectations of the online film community and its ilk was insanely high and now that the film is out, most of those eager and excited film sites have laid into it with a passion, sighting each and every slight and error, berating it from the sound design to the IMAX ratio to the introduction of the battling banjo sequence during the post credit sequence and most bizarrely the physics behind the science fiction. They delight in pointing out each and everything wrong with it. The trouble is, I think they're missing the point. This is an astonishing film of great scope and superb craft, Nolan is perhaps, the finest and most technically accomplished director of his generation and I'm hard pressed to think of another director with the same scope the same ambition. He might even be the next Kubrick, or at least a Kubrick cut with a healthy dose of Speilberg.

This is a film that reminds you of previous movies, most particularly 2001: A Space Odyssey and Contact, but that isn't a negative comment it's just cut from the same cloth. It feels like a brave film to make in the 21st century and it's amazing that Nolan was able to get an industry obsessed with franchises and super-hero movies to make a one-of-a-kind science fiction flick with no chance of a sequel.

I could sit here and winge on about all the minor plot holes and petty things that niggled me but the truth is that once the film had had finished I felt awed by what I had see, touched by aspects and emotionally satisfied.

I can't remember the last time I saw a meaty, solid, adult science fiction film without a single laser gun, battle fleet or explosion, well okay, one explosion or one that so engrossed me and yet i listen to the haters and I fully understand their frustrations and I even agree with many of the nit-pickers but it didn't matter to me, I was lost in the scope of the thing. It is a spectacle that deserves to be seen. Just don't blame me if you hate it.

9/10 

So, what now 12 years later has my opinion changed, do I see through it like the Emperor's New Clothing or am I still in the thrall of the Cult of Nolan? Well, truth be told a bit of both. On one hand it's a delight to see Hollywood making these sorts of films and it laid the path for films like The Martian, Terry and Dune 1 & 2, Project: Hail Mary and even this year's  Disclosure Day. It's a poe-faced serious science fiction film without space battles, robots and all that stuff, even if it does have robots, a fight in space suits and a frantic space battle, but it's also one of those SF movies that suffers from Star Trek:TOS-itous, that of 'love' saving the day. I went into this bemused by the memory of it ending up with McConaughey in a 5-dimensional library throwing books at his young daughter but wasn't that bothered by it this time. I had more problems with the plot contriving a trip to NASA through a morse code signal, that seems a little plotty for me. That plus the massive concrete spaceship, which similarly made no sense, but beneath it all there was some good stuff here and I found my self engrossed and falling for it again. It's not perfect, there are still things I struggle with plot wise, but once the drama starts it doesn't let up and it's enthralling. Plus this time round I found Hans Zimmer soundtrack extremely effective. Overall this was still satisfying and even a little heart tugging at times. I glad I resaw it and judging by the number of people in the screening I wasn't alone. And once again, how great to see it up there on the big screen again.

This still gets a solid 9/10

#57: DISCLOSURE DAY

 

STARRING: Emily Blunt, Josh O'Connor, Colin Firth, Eve Hewson, Colman Domingo, Wyatt Russell, Henry Lloyd-Hughes and Elizabeth Marvel. Screenplay by David Koepp. Music by John Williams. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Budget $115 million. Running time 145 minutes. 

Cybersecurity expert Daniel Kellner (Josh O'Connor) is on the run with his ex-nun girlfriend Jane Blankenship (Eve Hewson) from Wardex Corp's Noah Scanlon (Colin Firth) and his private army of storm troopers and tech team. It turns out that Daniel has stolen a vast cache of UFO data and is threatening to expose it. Meanwhile Kansas City TV weather girl, Margaret Fairchild (Emily Blunt) seems to be having a nervous breakdown, when live on TV she starts talking in guttural clicks and whistles, not only that but she can talk fluently in foreign languages she couldn't speak before and she can read minds too! Anyway, these two crazy kids are on the lame and being chased by Noah and his gang of corporate thugs and desperate to meet up with Hugo Wakefield (Colman Domingo) who used to work with Noah at Wardex, that is till he defected and set up a force to combat his old boss and expose the secrets of alien visitations. 

Now, against the backdrop of an impending World War, our two plucky heroes must dodge pursuit, meet up, unlock their shared childhood traumas and somehow find out what the ruddy hell is going on!

And such is the plot of Steven Spielbergs' 37th feature film. It reminds one of the infinitely better One Battle After Another, but regardless, this was an exciting science fiction thriller that starts brilliantly well but slowly runs out of steam in the third act, there's no way it couldn't. There'san odd moment late in the third act  which stymied it for me, although not enough to ruin it completely. Emily Blunt is the 100% the film's MVP, she is mesmerising, engaging and simply superb in the role of the Weather girl coming to terms with mysterious powers. Similarly, lug-eared Josh, rumoured to be in contention for the coveted role of Bond (God, I hope he doesn't get it), also delivers in the acting dept, his role, which starts as the main focus of the film, but slowly gives way to Emily Blunt as her significance becomes apparent. Leaving Colin Firth as the villain who brings a genuine sense of sinister intent to the role, even if he too feels mostly underwhelming by the end.

Even an averagely made Spielberg film still looks good, boy does that man know how to stage action set-pieces and how to block dialogue heavy exposition scenes. John Williams soundtrack sounds fresh and easily melts into the background becoming almost unheard and yet at the same time increasing the emotional pull of the film. A true master class in soundtracks. The script by David Koepp, from a story by Spielberg, keeps on upping the ante and building to an almost satisfactory ending, the only fly in the ointment being the sudden and almost total disappearance of the bad guys in the final reveal, but that's the script's fault not Spielberg's. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this and those two hours and 25 minutes flew by like an Unexplained Arial Phenomenon.

8/10

  

#56: SCARY MOVIE 6

 

STARRING: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Anna Faris and Regina Hall, there are many more actors but I can't be arsed to name them. Shat out by Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Craig Wayans and Rick Alverez. Directed by Michael Tiddes. Budget $30 million. Running time 96 minutes. 

This was the first Scary Movie I have ever seen and it will be the last. A more shit-stain of a film I cannot remember seeing in a very long time. I smiled twice at two 'jokes' and emitted a single 'ha' at another third joke about the film Ballerina. It is lazy, badly written, badly acted, badly directed, this not Ballerina. Although if you find the use of the 'N' word hilarious then this will be the film for you. Similarly if you like references to horror films from nine years ago then rest assured you'll be laughing yourself horse at this one. Likewise, if you find knife crime funny then oh boy are you in for a treat, it's the weapon of choice for all of the killings in the film and watching people getting stabbed to death is always funny. God. How I laughed. 

Taking references from not just horror films but also from another Wayan comedy from 2004 White Chicks, the Wayan brothers leave no stone unturned in their desperate search for something, anything, funny and they fail spectacularly, in fact they should be ashamed of what they have produced. It is grubby, ugly, and so packed full of feces that you can actually smell the stench of its achievements, it has not one ounce of merit in its far too long 96 minute running time. Long gone now the joys of the Airplane! movies that heralded the birth of the spoof film, of which this is supposedly one. Likewise gone the skill of the jokes and writing of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker who knew how to make a spoof. This is ghastly, shouty, crass, sloppy, and utterly inept. It is one second sleazy, then unnecessarily crude, then stupid, then racist or at least reverse racist, then just shit, the jokes are all cheap and, to coin a word like Trump - shit. Actually, so shit is this piece of crap that it is nothing more than an actual visual interpretation of the Bristol Stool chart - which is a medical poster that, through the use of images shows the viewer all the different types of shit a human can produce. I wouldn't be surprised if that chart didn't get updated with the poster of this film added to the pantheon of shit types, so utterly fecal this is. 

There is nothing, not one thing good to say about this shitty, crappy, film. It is made by talentless cretins for cretins. It has nothing, not one iota, to recommend it. In fact I feel more stupid for having seen it.

This might well be the worst comedy film I have ever seen. It most certainly is the second worst film of the year, the first being Melania. A bigger bag of utter shite I cannot remember seeing, this not that, although it's a close run thing. However, my mother always said that if you have nothing good to say then say nothing. So, I'm going to end my review with one good note, one I hope will be used on the poster.

This is an actual visual interpretation of a putrid toilet bowl of overflowing excrement. 

1/10
 

#55: SAVAGE HOUSE

 

STARRING: Richard E. Grant, Claire Foy, Reginald Halifax, Dorothy Neville, Kila Lord Cassidy,  Richard McCabe, Vicki Pepperdine,  Pip Torrens and Miles Jupp. Written by Peter Glanz. Directed by Peter Glanz. Produced by Peter Glanz. Edited by Peter Glanz. Music by Peter Glanz. Oh, and also produced by Oliver Roskill, Mark Hopkins, Dylan Maranda and Phillip Thomas. Cinematography by Adriano Goldman. Running time 114 minutes. 

During a pox outbreak and Jacobite uprising, whatever that means, in 1715, hideous social climber, cheating gambler, drunk and unbridled fornicator, Sir Chauncey Savage (Richard E. Grant) and his titled wife, Lady Savage (Claire Foy) spend their days in decadent excess shagging their staff, and squandering what little remains of her family fortune. Chauncey, once a begger has somehow managed to claw his way into the aristocracy, mostly by marrying her and has no intention of going back, sadly they're down to peddling the last of her jewels and antiques trying to keep Savage House going. With creditors and swindled business men hammering at their door, the future of Savage House rests on a letter sent by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire inviting themselves to dinner, which sets in motion a relentless string of incidents that includes murder, duels, amputations, deception, embezzlement, gout, greed, shagging, mice and surgical procedures.

In a nutshell imagine Barry Lyndon crossed with Draftsman's Contract by way of The Favourite and you'd still be no closer to whatever this is. Saved entirely by the cast, lead by the peerless coupling of Grant and Foy, whose film this is, and featuring a game cast of plucky English actors who are well up for a laff. 

Sadly, despite all that this film is a mess, with an ending so clumsy, anti-climatic and mishandled that it actually harms the film and robs it of a solid 8/10. There's just far too many plot points left unanswered, and far too many questions. Plot points arrive and lead one to imagine the film is going in one direction only for that plot point to be dropped in favour of another, and another, and another. Important incidents are hinted at and when they arrive they do so with all the drama of a dropped balloon. The film tries hard to be the next Barry Lyndon, with its use of candle lit scenes, or the pretence of, that it makes most of this look like a murky sepia stained shadow. That coupled with a truly invasive soundtrack, also by Peter Glanz that consists of the overuse of a crescendo of screening strings that drowns out the dialogue and feel more at home in a horror film, it conveys a sense of terrible foreboding and horror that just doesn't exist in this film, and is so intrusive that it pulled me out of the film entirely each time it's used, and it's used a lot.

For a long portion of the running time of the film I was fully onboard and invested but after just one too many plot misdirects and the bad ending my patience just snapped. 

I think the main problem lies exclusively in the hands of Peter Glanz, who wrote, directed, produced and edited this, as well as provided the music. And all that does it make it feel like the only voice heard on this film was Glanz, you can't help but think that if only someone else was there to say 'no' to some of his ridiculous plot points it might have made for a vastly more superior movie. 

Because there's something fantastic in this film, it's Grant and Foy, I've not seen Grant act this well in ages, and whereas he could have just reused the portrayal of Withnail, he instead opts to create an entirely new and truly unique and deeply unpleasant character in Chauncey. Likewise Foy shows some simply brilliant comedic chops and shows us she's not just the Queen. Special mention too to Jack Farthing as Chauncey's scheming man-service and valet, Reginald Halifax and Bel Powley as Lady Savage's Lady in Waiting, Dorothy Neville, who both bring some great performances. 

The thing is I bet there was a far better film that was left on the cutting room floor, because the cast are having the time of their lives and the number of forementioned undeveloped plot points.

Ultimately this gets a 7/10, but could have so easily have scored an 8 or 9 if only it had been better structured. 

#54: OBSESSION

 

STARRING: Michael Johnston, Inde Navarrette, Cooper Tomlinson, Megan Lawless and Andy Richter. Written and directed by Curry Barker. Budget $750,000. Box office to date $167 million. Running time 109 minutes.

Hollywood is in turmoil, all it's big budget epic blockblusters are crashing and burning in spectacular failure or under-performance while two little trains that can, this one, Obsession and Backrooms over performance like it's going out of fashion! In the case of the later it made 8 times it's budget in its opening weekend, while the former has so far taken $167 million off of a $750,000 budget, and that's simply astounding! Now, I'm not a huge fan of horror films, although that said I saw Weapons and Sinners last year and three so-called horror films this year, so far - Send Help, Ready or Not 2 and They Will Kill You. So, perhaps I'm warming to them again. 

So, what's the plot, Doc? Baron 'Bear' Bailey (Michael Johnston) is a nervous, pathetic, grubby wimp of a man working as a shop assistant in a music shop alongside his best friend, Ian (Cooper Tomlinson), Ian's girlfriend Sarah Harper (Megan Lawless) and Nikki Freeman (Inde Navarrette) whom Bear has a deeply felt crush for. Despite practicing asking her out, Bear chickens out when push comes to shove and she tells him she's going to quit the store and go travelling.  In desperation, Bear buys a Make a Wish novelty gift from one of those crystal and hippy shops and wishes that Nikki loves him more than anyone else in the world. Astonishingly his wish comes true and Nikki becomes horrifically and terrifyingly in love with him and his life starts to come apart at the seams as Nikki's truly obsessive love for him impacts every aspect of his life leading to a shocking display of increasing violence, death and brutal, brutal murder and a kicker of a punchline.

Written and directed by first time movie director, Curry Barker, this is a superbly unsettling, scary and vicious little horror film that just keeps upping the anti and keeping us on tender hooks. Full credit has to go to Inde Navarrette as Nikki who is simply incredible in the role. Leaping between love obsessed and frighteningly psychotic, sometimes second by second she brings a fantastic level of obsession to the role and the film works purely because of her. Far less successful is Michael Johnson as the utterly pathetic Bear Bailey who's just an utter and total pathetic waste of space. His decisions control the film and everything that happens is because of him. It doesn't help that he's such a wimp and looks like an even more wimpy Billy Crudup, nor does his lank, greasy, limp-haired topped mop of hair that sits slumped on top of his pasty and permanently sweaty face. You feel for her and hope that he gets his just deserts. Well, I'm not going to tell you here what happens, but believe me it's a doozy!

Well direction, and featuring some good cinematography, and an unsettling soundtrack filled with uncomfortable noises and sounds this was a damn fine horror film, vastly more traditional than the other blockbuster horror film Backrooms, but nevertheless deeply entertaining, oh and bloody gory!

8/10 

#53: MASTERBATORS OF THE UNIVERSE

 

STARRING: Nicholas Galitzine, Camila Mendes, Alison Brie, James Purefoy, Morena Baccarin, Jared Leto. Kirsten Wig and Idris Elba. Story by Aaron Nee, Adam Nee, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch. Screenplay by Chris Butler, Aaron and Adam Nee and David Callaham. Directed by Travis Knight. Budget $200 million. Running time an absolutely bum-numbing 140 minutes long.

Welcome to the cinematic adventures of HE/HIM-MAN, the second film to try and launch a film franchise out of the squat, plastic-muscle-bound lug. The first made in 1987 starred Dolph Lundgren as the hero and Frank Langella as Skeletor, the big bad skull-faced villian. Sadly that one was no masterpiece and so it's disappointing to reveal this ain't that much better, although its production values are vastly superior. 

The plot, and I hate to use that word for a film as lazy as this, sees our plucky hero Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) as a kid growing up in Eternia, but after Skeletor (Jared Leto) arrives with his army and lays waste to everything he's sent to Earth, along with his sword, by his mother to hide out. There 15 years pass in the blink of an eye and he grows up to be a whizz at HR but with an obsession with swords and he has this silly habit of telling everyone he meets he's from another world. Anyway he puts an ad out for the sword that's gone missing, finds it and ends up back in Eternia where he sets about defeating Skeletor. 

That's the plot. Original and radical it's not. Slow, ponderous and dull it is. Not only does this He/Him-Man have to put up with everyone dissing and mocking him both on Earth and Eternia, he's also got an excruciating annoying girl boss, Teela (Camila Mendes) the adoptive daughter of Man-at-Arms, Duncan (Idris Elba) who bosses him round, mocks him, and generally denigrates him and her now alcoholic father, plus he's the classic Woke Princess eager to resolve every confrontation by talking out his feelings, trouble is in this world, all that gets you is punched repeatedly in the face. As is the way with these sorts of films, Adam finally gets the sword and speaks the immortal words - "I have the power" and is finally transformed at the midway mark and then proceeds to beat the living shit out of everyone until he's captured at the end of Act 2 and loses his power and sword leading to the final showdown with Skeletor and one last valuable life lesson learned. 

This film has a strong streak of irony and humour at its core and its tongue firmly wedged in its cheek, but sadly not enough to save it. Not knowing if this is for a new generation of kids or the parents of said kids, the film is far too violent for its own good and both villains and heroes, or innocent bystanders get brutally murdered for a vast majority of this film, people get stabbed to death, crushed, shot or blasted to atoms every few minutes and just because it's all bloodless and consequence free doesn't make it sit any better. 

Tonally it bounces from humour to torture and violence like a pingpong ball and it's uncomfortable. There's plenty of humour mostly aimed at mocking He/Him-Man and that pales quickly. Looking vastly better than Mandy Lorean Groin Goo this at least looks the part and makes a convincing alien planet. Trouble is most of it is a pixelated blur of excess. 

I was struck by just how violent this was and wouldn't have felt comfortable if my boy had seen this when he was 8, which you'd assume was the target audience. 

Plot wise this is a terrible film, there's a ridiculouos scene in the end of the second act that sees He/Him-Boy reconnecting with this father, whose been Skeletor's prisoner for 15 years. He's buried in an avalanche of debris following a fight between the hero and villian and for a good five minutes, He/Him-Man and his dying dad have a long chat while Skeletor just stands there doing absolutely nothing. And in the dying seconds of the film you suddenly realise that Skeletor has no gameplan, no arc and no reason for existing other than to prove something for He/Him-Man to beat to death in the final boss fight portion of the film.

Every now and then it raises a titter of laughter but it's a real shame this film didn't just embrace the notion of He-Man and just launch into a rollicking adventure without shoe-horning in a visit to Earth and a hero reduced to a touchy-feelie emotionally fragile woke princess. 

Plus it's bloody long, which doesn't help. Still the effects are good, the make up great, Jared Leto as Skeletor is terrific and because he's buried beneath all that make up you don't need to see his face, and naturally Idris Elba deserves so much better. 

5/10 

#52 & 57: BACKROOMS (2ND TAKE)

STARRING: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Renate Reinsve, Mark Duplass, Fin Bennett and Lukita Maxwell. Written by Will Soodik. Music by Edo Van Breemen and Kane Parsons. Directed by Kane Parsons. Budget $10 million. Running time 110 minutes.

Kane Parsons was only 19 when he directed this feature film of his YouTube series Backrooms. I've never seen those so I don't know how much like this film they are. That said, if they're anything like this film, I'm going to watch them all. 

Hands down one of the best films of the year so far. Deeply unsettling, deeply deeply unsettling. It's like sliding a needle under the skin in the top of your hand and gradually loosening the skin, this gnaws at you and grates, it uncomfortable and deeply chilling, the music niggles, the look and the feel scratch at your psyche and the overall feel is that of a 1970s horror film directed by David Cronenberg, or Romero. It has that visual feel. It feels small, personal and everso slightly amateurish, but that's not meant as an insult. God, no, far from it. it's a compliment. 

The story sees wannabe failed architect and newly divorced furniture shop owner, Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor) seeking help from therapist Dr. Mary Kine (Renate reinsve) for his depression, while said therapist struggles with her traumatic childhood as the daughter of a mentally disturbed agoraphobic mother. With his furniture shop failing and at his wits end, Clark makes an unusual discovery in the basement of his shop of a portal to secret mysterious underground complex of rooms, corridors and doors he calls 'the Backrooms', which are populated by hideously deformed beings and unsettling vistas of half buried furniture or bad 5th generation copies of people and objects. Meanwhile a private corporate is attempting to map the changing geography of the said underground complex but keep losing operatives to something that haunts the endless rooms and corridors. 

Nothing can quite prepare you for this bizarre and fantastically creepy film and I wouldn't dare try to explain more than what I have, it's far better you go in blind to see this. You'll thank me after. There are things you'll see in this that will stay with you and haunt your dreams. The film a mixture of found footage interspersed and standard film as both Clark and Mary share the lead focus, first we follow Clark and he makes his startling discovery and begins to explore with two young members of his staff, and then picks up with Mary when Clark suddenly vanishes one day after he tells her of his discovery and she goes to explore the shop.

The visual style of a look of this film is superb and really feels like those for-mentioned 1970s horror maestros, which coupled with the ever presence sound of faint machinery or whispered voices or uncomfortable music all combine to make this a fantastically compelling and scary horror film that relies on a overwhelming building of dread over gore or jump cuts. I found myself sitting with a fixed grin desperately trying to work out what the heck was going on. 

In the end, the film just about nails its landing, but leaves you, as you'd expect from a film like this, with more questions than answers, but that's not a bad thing in this case. This like Exit 8 another film about liminal spaces, is all about the journey. I doubt that as good as Kane Parsons is that he has any idea at to what is behind all the weirdness in Backrooms that would satisfy us all, but regardless what he shows us is more than enough. You'll leave hoping for a sequel but you know if they do they'll end up creating an unwieldy backstory or pouring on too much lore, or fluffing the landing like Lost. As it is this ends with a final shot that is both compelling and very creepy. 

See it on the big screen, if you dare.

9/10

Just came back from seeing this for the second time with Baxter. For me I remain blown away by it, a film viewed second time round can often show up flaws and faults, like Die Another Day which felt like a trainwreck second time round. Not so this. By god it's utterly engrossing, you find yourself exploring the rooms the angles, trying to pick up clues and hints and they're there if you look. It's a superbly constructed film and it had an unusual effect upon me, walking home we became aware of the architecture and shapes of buildings and roofs, some glimpsed through bridge arches or odd angles, and you begin to fear that we might already be living in a liminal space.

Really can't fault this puppy, a truly unique, unsettling and un-nerving horror film that offers up something altogether sinister and new. See it before it's gone. 

9/10 (still and deservedly so.)

#51: THE STAR SNORES: MANDY LOREAN'S GROIN GOO

Before we get to the film review part of this blog, here's a quick joke.

WHAT'S GREEN AND GOES RED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON?

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BABY YODA IN A BLENDER. 

And now to the film review section of this blog. 

STARRING: Pedro Pascal, Jeremy Allen White Brendan Wayne, Lateef Crowder and Sigourney Weaver. Written by Jon Favreau, Dave Filoni and Noah Kloor. Directed by Jon Favreau. Budget $165 million. Running time 132 minutes. 

Right, hands down this is without doubt the best Star Wars film of the last seven year. Admittedly by that reckoning it's also the worst, but it's still an achievement. But before we start rip into this, the 12th live action film set in the Star Wars universe, David, could you tell us the plot. Why of course dear reader nothing would give me more pleasure. 

Set in a galaxy far far away, a long time ago, and in the 30 year timeline gap between the original and best Star Wars trilogy and divisive sequel trilogy roars this sequel to the three series TV show, The Mandy Lorean. in that, the titular hero, a tin potted bounty hunter called Darjeeling (Pedro Pascal) rescues a cousin of Sooty and Sweep called Baby Yoda from some baddies and spends the next 24 episodes doing stuff in a Star Wars sort of way, zapping things, killing Storm Troopers and monsters, and whizzing around in a space ship, while dropping fan-baiting references to the canon. There was supposed to be a fourth series but Disney just sort of gave up and told Favreau to make a film instead, it was either this or a sequel to Chef, and not even Favreau wanted that! So, in time honoured fashion he sort of took two episodes and wedged them it to 2 hours and 12 minutes!

We find Darjeeling and Baby Yoda on the lamb, so to speak, as they travel their part of the galaxy hunting ex-Imperial Commanders and executing them and their largely depleted army of Stormtroopers. Mandy has a deck of cards featuring the 52 worst enemies of peace and harmony - the New Republic, and they're hunted down to either be waterboarded or just pain executed without trial. See, they're so much nicer than the old Empire. ANYWAY, Mandy looking for one such Imperial officer and accepts a job given to him by Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) on behalf of Jabba the Hutt's Niece and Nephew. They want Mandy to find Jabba's son, who we're told has been kidnapped and if he does then they'll give him the location of an ex-Imperial commander hiding out in the rim (painful). So, Mandy gets told of the mission by Ripley on another planet then flies to the Hutt's planet before travelling to the planet Hutt Jnr has been kidnapped to. So much time could have been saved if Ripley had just told Mandy to travel to that planet, but then director for hire, Jon Favreau would have to had filled the 20 minutes that all took with yet more mindless and tedious action. ANYWAY. So, Mandy travels to the planet where the kidnapped Jabba Jr has been kidnapped to, finds him instantly, discovers that Jabb Jr is quite happy there, fighting in an arena for money, and not kidnapped. So, Mandy KIDNAPS him anyway and starts to fly him back to the other Hutts, even though they're going to kill Hutt Jr. That is until Jabba Jr tells Mandy that man he seeks is Jabba's old boss back on that planet. So, Mandy goes back kidnaps the Imperial officer and flies him back to Ripley, who's pissed at Mandy because he didn't take Hutt Jr back to the Hutts, even though they'd have killed him. So then Mandy gets kidnapped by the Hutts and discovers they themselves have also kidnapped Hutt Jr. So, then Mandy and Groin Goo go absolutely ape shit and kill absolutely everyone, plain out murderise everybody they can find, women, children, animals, old age pensioners, simply everybody who works for, or knows the Hutts. They even hunt down the Hutts old nextdoor neighbours and kill them, because they once sent the Hutts Christmas Cards. Look, it's a fricking blood bath. Then, in the nick of time, after everyone is dead, Ripley returns and puts on a re-enactment of the end of Star Wars: A New Hope at the head of a fleet of X-Wing fighters which literally blows the utter crap out of the Hutt's castle. Then they all land and together with Mandy and Groin Goo, they all traipse through the swamp and double tap any survivors until everyone connected with the Hutt's operation is dead. Then they take off again and salt the land from air, thereby making sure that nothing will grow there ever again. Finally they take take turns doing huge shits from orbit that fall like meteorites, just like in Return of the Jedi and  and everyone laughs. Mandy high-fives Groin Goo and pats him on the head for being a good pet and the film comes to a merciful end. Actually, Mandy really treats Baby Yoda like a pet, telling him to 'sit', 'stay' and refusing him treats, odd wait to treat your adoptive son, but maybe things are different in the Mandy child-rearing world.

Oh, sorry Spoiler alert. 

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, this was dull and bland, not shit, but not very exciting. It's all so generic. And it's all so very brown and dull. There's no other-wordly wonder. Plus, a large portion takes place at night or in the dark, so much of it looks like any seedy rain-soaked, neon-lit parts of Stoke-on-Trent that it all feels so low key, and bog standard, oh and bleak and miserable. The original Star Wars looked and felt exciting and different and a long way from home. Turns out it's just an hour out of Manchester. The action never lets up, it's relentless, repetitive and by the numbers, it also passes for a plot, which this film doesn't have. Monsters appear to get killed every few minutes. That said, the flying  effects are extremely impressive, particularly the inside cockpit flying bits. But the rest of it just looks so ordinary. The trouble is with the sheer amount of Star Wars I.P. out there to be consumed none of this looks special anymore. Somehow the power that be behind the scene have succeeded in making Star Wars appear very ordinary and generic. 

Also, I object to any motion picture that demands I do homework before I watch it. There are characters and situations that I did not understand because i've not watched the Mandy Lorean TV show since the first season. I've not watched any of the TV shows. For me Star Wars was always a cinematic experience. TV just dilutes it. And this film is a good example. It's not one story it's two episodes tacked together. The first episode actually ends and then the second part begins. 

And don't get me started on the plot holes, like the use of AT ATs on steep mountain roads, or the other glaring inaccuracies. Life's too short and this film doesn't deserve that much attention.  

There is one single saving grace and it's pure fan service, but not film fan service. Back in the day, there used to be a brilliant arcade Star Wars cabinet where you got to fly an X-Wing and destroy the Death Star, it was truly glorious and I held the highscore in my local pub. What's nice is that when the re-enactment of the destruction of the Death Star from the first, and best, Star Wars film: A New Hope happens in this bland generic mess of a flick, they use the exact same vector graphics on their targeting systems. That one head nod gives this film an extra point. 

If this is what we get after a seven year hiatus then I think that Disney would be well advised to pack it all in and put it to rest for at least 10 years, then try again  with something entirely new and, dare I say, 'original'. And maybe ditch the TV shows which have robbed Star Wars of its awe, wonder and splendor. 

Dull, lazy and sadly lacklustre. 5/10

#50: TOP GUN

 

STARRING: Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Meg Ryan and Michael Ironside. Written by Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Directed by Tony Scott. Produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. Budget $15 million. Running time 109 minutes. Originally released in May 1986. Box office haul $362.3 million!

The second greatest pilot in the whole United States goddam Navy, Lietenant Pete 'MAVERICK' Mitchell (Tom Cruise) and his radar intercept officer Lieutenant Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw (Anthony Edwards) are sent to TOP GUN flight academy as punishment for saving the life of another pilot when said pilot gets a dose of the colly wobbles while attempting to land on an aircraft carrier. As soon as MAVERICK lands at the UNITED STATES NAVY FIGHTER WEAPONS SCHOOL at the Naval Air Station Miramar in San Diego, Californian, he's sweatily locking horns with fellow pilots with call signs like ICE MAN (Val Kilmer), who's actually the best of the best of the best fighter pilot, as well as characters like Slider, Merlin, Sundown, Viper, Jester, Stinger, Wolfman and Hollywood, all of whom are massive, chiselled beefcake, who unlike the former Duke of York, sweat buckets all of the time, even when just having a nice cup of tea and a slice of Battenberg. Anyway, MAVERICK is a hothead who can't help but show off his skills as the second best pilot in the whole world. The testosterone drips from the screen as the muscle-bound MAVERICK and his wingman Goose take part in a series of mock dogfights with the absolute legend that is Michael Ironside's RICK 'JESTER' HEATHERLY Top Gun's best of the best Top Gun instructor under the ever watchful eyes of MIKE 'VIPER' METCALF (Tom Skerritt), Top Gun's Commanding officer and instructor, who just so happened to have flown and fought along side MAVERICK's dead dad during the Vietnam War. Then to set these young men's hearts a flutter (well, one young man) in minces Charlotte Blackwood (Kelly McGillis) whose call sign is 'Charlie' to fall in love with MAVERICK. In the third act, a training mission goes bad, Goose dies, MAVERICK blames himself, quits Top Gun, rejoins, goes on a live mission as the second best pilot in the Navy and saves the life of the best, ICE MAN, shots down four jets with a pea shooter (true!) and everyone loves him. And that's it for the plot. 

Actually the plot matters not one jote to this blockbuster mega hit which made an astonishing $362 million off of a $15 million budget. It was produced by two of the greatest names in Hollywood Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer who deserve a film in their own right, the stories of their excesses and exploits are legendary. And directed by the brother of Ridley Scott, Tony Scott who was a fascinating good director in his own right and had a real flair for these sorts of hi-octane action flicks and he directs this brilliantly. 

Shot through a sepia filter, this is an exhilarating, throbbing, and ridiculous romp. The airplane stuff is superb, the soundtrack is all banger and brilliantly synched with the action, which never lets up. Ultimately this is a 109 minute music/recruitment video for the U.S. Navy which gave an unprecedented amount of access to it's fleet and aircraft. The film is only ever three minutes away from a scene where these rugged men are topless having clipped conversations in changing rooms and showers, or playing beach volleyball, dripping with water or sweat, and so close do these hench, buff, young men get to each other, you can't work out if they're going to punch each other or kiss passionately. Then, inbetween all the staggering homo-erotica we have these men thrusting their way through the air in billion-dollar fighter planes, sweating and grunting their way through mock dog fights before we get to the real stuff, in the final act, when these boys finally get to unleash red-tipped rockets at a group of black-leather clad Russian fighter boys in mirrored sunglasses, which burst in glorious spurts of flame and smoke, as fingers grip joysticks and triggers get flicked. It really is one of the gayest films I've ever seen. It's insanely pro-America, it's a love letter to the US Navy and in response, the Navy set up recruitment booths in some American cinemas and claimed that recruitment went up 500%, although that was a bit of a fib, and they later admitted that enlistment rose by 8%.

I wasn't a huge fan of this when it first blasted onto our screens back in 1986, it was too gung-ho, too jingoistic, too butch, but time has been kind to it and now you can watch it with a rye smile, enjoying the ridiculous chaste homo-erotic charge, the pumping soundtrack and the amazing arial footage and special effects, although TOP GUN: MAVERICK, the belated 2022 sequel did it all so much better with some utterly thrilling actual inflight footage. 

This was throbbing, fun, popcorn flick, as empty and tasty as candy floss but stupidly entertaining at the same time. It's great to see it again on the big screen, and easily worth a brief 109 minutes of your life. 

 7/10.

#49: THE SHEEP DETECTIVE

 

STARRING: Hugh Jackman, Nicholas Braun, Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Patrick Stewart, Bella Ramsey, Brett Goldstein, Hong Chau and Emma Thompson. Written by Craig Mazin. Based on Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann. Directed by Kyle Balda. Budget $75 million. Running time 109 minutes.

The plot sees a group of sheep set out to solve the murder of their shepherd George Hardy (Hugh Jackman). It's a classic murder mystery, with a cast of likely suspects, all with motives, and if you're eagle-eyed and listen carefully you should be able to solve the murder, I did and it was fun! Anyway, when said shepherd dies, the sheep lead by the brainiest, Lily (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Mopple (Chris O'Dowd) and Sebastian (Bryan Cranston) set out to solve the murder. However, this being a live-action movie and set in the 'real world-ish', the Sheep are really sheep and constrained by sheep logic and rules, they can't talk to humans, can't operate machinery or do things a real sheep couldn't. Indeed the rules of the sheep world are very well laid out and work really well, the film makes sure never to break the rules to advance the plot and I was very moved by their lore and knowledge. The large cast of sheep are voiced by the likes of Patrick Stewart, Brett Goldstein, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Bella Ramsey and Rhys Darby. While in the human camp we get Nicholas Braun and Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Hong Chau, Tosin Cole, Kobna Hodbrook-Smith, Conleth Hill, Mandeep Dhillon and Emma Thompson, who has it in her contract that she must appear in every wacky British film made. Actually watching her in this, she plays Lydia Harbottle a lawyer handling George Hardy's estate, I was struck the notion of another The Devil Wear Prada film where Thompson plays a rival fashion diva, perhaps the editor of a British fashion mag to rival Runway, I haven't worked out the plot yet, but I can already see Thompson and Streep duking it out. 

ANYWAY, what of this film, Leach you idiot?

Well, I won't lie. This, for me anyway was a very mixed bag. This starts off well with George and his flock, it's established he doesn't herd the sheep for meat, just their wool, and he loves his flock deeply, although not carnally, which is a blessing for him and us both. He tends them, nurses them and even reads to them every night at bedtime, mostly crime detective fiction, which is why the sheep set off to solve his murder. This part of the film I loved, a sheer delight, the animation is superb, the characterisation, the voices the looks of the varied breeds of sheep all worked wonderfully. But then the film takes us to the fictional village of Denbrook and my heart sank like the Bismarck. It was a dreadful faux Americanised version of an English village filled with horrible anachronistic details, like great big American trucks, farmers wearing baseball caps, neon signs that hung from every shop including the police station! The uniforms of said policeman, the insanely diverse ethnic mix of the small village that you could easily play Ethnic Bingo with as you tick off all the groups represented here. The representation of the bungling loveable English cove, from dim-witted cop to brutish butcher to angry publican. In fact, if it'd been set in London, I guarantee you'll have had fog bound cobbled streets and a Bobby blowing his whistle. 

All this put my teeth on edge and lost me, it all felt like so desperate trying to be all inclusive to everybody and every age to the detriment of the audience and I found myself hating it, deeply. It was sickingly twee and sweet, the human characters were all panto villains or jolly scallywags, and yet through it all the dogged determination of the sheep and their world to get justice for the beloved murdered shepherd won me over. The way the handled things beyond their realm of understanding, like tarmac was fantastic, their own religion which explained where clouds come from was simply magical and it's because of those four-legged walking roast dinners that I was finally won over and found myself, quite against my intention liking it greatly. I was most satisfied by the solving of the crime and the truth behind the revelations of each of the suspects, the film worked wonderfully as a who-dunnit and as a charming talking animal film. Imagine this existing in the same universe as Babe. 

You'll come for the lamb shank in the Beaujolais reduced Jus and stay for the very satisfying conclusion. 

8/10

#48: TUNER

 

STARRING: Leo Woodall, Havan Rose Liu, Lior Raz, Tovah Feldshuh, Jean Reno and Dustin Hoffman. Written by Daniel Roher and Robert Ramsey. Directed by Daniel Roher. Running time 107 minutes.

Piano tuner, Niki White (Leo Woodall) a once gifted piano prodigy who gave up his dreams when he was struck down by chronic hearing condition which makes him acutely susceptible to loud noises is forced to raise $66 thousand dollars when his 'Uncle' and boss, Harry Horowitz (Dustin Hoffman) suffers a stroke and ends up in hospital. Niki pursues a secondary career as a safe cracker for Uri (Lior Raz) a security specialist who puts safes into rich people's houses then robs them blind. Niki's sideline in criminality goes well until he meets and falls in love with virtuoso Ruthie (Havana Rose Liu), but then goes all Pete Tong when a safe cracking job goes wrong and a man gets killed leaving Niki desperate to find a way out of the criminal life he's embraced.

A well built crime caper pic with a unique take, featuring a man who slips into criminality accidentally to initially help those around him, but then becomes trapped. As the stakes rise, Niki realises he's in too deep and frantically tries to find an out, but at what cost?

Not much more to add, this was a satisfying and entertaining crime caper flick with a good cast and a lead, Leo Woodall, who easily holds his own against the likes of Dustin Hoffman and Jean Reno. The music is lovely and the cinematography matches beautifully. This would have easily scored a 9/10 if it hadn't left so much up in the air. That said, the plot which twists and turns ends with a bitter sweet note and a great final line. 

Satisfying and enjoyable. 8/10

#47: MORTAL KOMBAT II

 

STARRING: Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Ludi Lin, Mehcad Brooks, Tati Gabrielle, Lewis Tan, Damon Herriman, Chin Han, Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada. Written by Jeremy Slater. Directed by Simon McQuoid. Budget $80 million. Running time 116 minutes long that you'll never get back. 

Apparently, this is a sequel to 2021's Mortal Kombat and the fourth film in the Mortal Kombat 'film series', which first began with 1995's Mortal Kombat. Added to that five animated films too. It's based on a video game, which I used to play back in the day showing just how old it is and it's not Street Fighter, which is out later this year. This one is the one where someone says 'FLAWLESS VICTORY' and a defeated opponent could get his spine ripped out. In the new film Karl Urban's Johnny Cage - a movie star and five-time karate champion is press-ganged into fighting to save the Earth realm from a Darth Vader clone armed with a massive hammer called Shao Kahn (the man not the hammer, I don't know what the hammer was called. Probably Hammy McHammer) in an interdimensional fight tournament called Mortal Kombat.  

That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle. 

I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before. 

Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent. 

2/10  

#46: A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

 

STARRING: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, Frances O'Connor, Sam Robards, Brendan Gleeson, Jack Thomas and William Hurt. Based on Supertoys Last All Summer Long by Brian Aldiss. Screenplay by Steven Spielberg. Budget $100 million. Running time 146 minutes. Originally released in 2001. Worldwide box office takings $235.9 million. 

Originally conceived as a Stanley Kubrick film, Spielberg took it on after Kubrick's death. The plot sees horrifically cute poppet android, David (Haley Joel Osment) given to grieving parents, Monica and Henry Swinton (Frances O'Connor and Sam Robards) while their son, Martin (Jake Thomas) lies in a medically induced coma until a cure arrives for whatever it is that ails him, David is a new type of synthetic android, designed to look like a small boy. He is programmed to imprint on his human and to love them unconditionally and he does with his 'mother' Monica. However, when her real son is brought out of his coma and his medical condition cured, David becomes surplus to requirements and so-called loving mother takes David and his robot teddybear off into the woods and dumps him there. David is obsessed by the story of Pinocchio and convinced if he can find the Blue Fairy he'll be transformed into a real boy and Monica will love him again. So, off he goes on a quest with Gigolo Joe, an android sex worker (Jude Law) to find the Blue Fairy. Much hilarity ensues as the unlikely trio of chums fall foul of the Flesh Fair, get arrested by cops, and confront his own creator, in David's case, all before an aquatic date with destiny with the Blue Fairy in the sunken city of New York. Then it's just a 2000 year plot jump and a bunch of sentient robots digging up David to torment him one last time before switching him off for ever. 

By god this is a creepy, unsettling film, and by far Spielberg's most nihilistic and bleak, it's clear he's channeling Kubrick for all he's worth and as a result the film is striped of any sign of joy or happiness. From the word go when we're introduced to this sunken world of post-apocalyptic misery we know we're in for a rough ride, it's a world of haves and have-nots, and neither side is happy about it. Haley Joel Osment was a remarkable child actor and he's expected to carry the expectations of the film squarely on his young shoulders and he does so brilliantly, it's just a shame David is such a shitty character, he might be a robot child, but the one thing you come away thinking about him, is how much a bloody good slap back of his head by with massive metal rod would help him. He's insanely needy, his desperate desire to be loved boarded on the psychotic and for a long portion of this film you just find yourself wishing him ill. Luckily Jude Law is on hand to grab the little scrot by the hand and drag him through the smaltz and towards an uncertain date with destiny courtesy of his dad, William Hurt and a bunch of highly advanced calculators who seem to spend their days digging up old robotic tech, revising them and then tormenting them just one more time. It's a fun game and I admire their vindictiveness, cos that little shit, David, bloody deserves it. Needy little fucker.

This looks good, but is very bleak, relentless, grim and depressing. There's no happy ending, despite what Spielberg might say about it. Visually it looks good and the effects are mostly practical or matte based, oddly enough no sign of the wretched CGI and actual A.I effects that have come to so blight modern cinema. Despite this being lower tier Spielberg it's still bloody well made and impressively mounted. 

It's a shame we never got to see Kubrick's version of this, he was one of the greatest film directors ever and I love his films. that said, Spielberg ain't no slouch in the direction department either, so if it had to be someone picking up the reins, I'm glad it's him and not someone else. 

Anywho, it's been 25 years since I last saw this, and I'll happily wait another 25 before I have to see it again, so in all probability, this is the last time I'll ever see it again. 

7/10