#50: TOP GUN

 

STARRING: Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Meg Ryan and Michael Ironside. Written by Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Directed by Tony Scott. Produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. Budget $15 million. Running time 109 minutes. Originally released in May 1986. Box office haul $362.3 million!

The second greatest pilot in the whole United States goddam Navy, Lietenant Pete 'MAVERICK' Mitchell (Tom Cruise) and his radar intercept officer Lieutenant Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw (Anthony Edwards) are sent to TOP GUN flight academy as punishment for saving the life of another pilot when said pilot gets a dose of the colly wobbles while attempting to land on an aircraft carrier. As soon as MAVERICK lands at the UNITED STATES NAVY FIGHTER WEAPONS SCHOOL at the Naval Air Station Miramar in San Diego, Californian, he's sweatily locking horns with fellow pilots with call signs like ICE MAN (Val Kilmer), who's actually the best of the best of the best fighter pilot, as well as characters like Slider, Merlin, Sundown, Viper, Jester, Stinger, Wolfman and Hollywood, all of whom are massive, chiselled beefcake, who unlike the former Duke of York, sweat buckets all of the time, even when just having a nice cup of tea and a slice of Battenberg. Anyway, MAVERICK is a hothead who can't help but show off his skills as the second best pilot in the whole world. The testosterone drips from the screen as the muscle-bound MAVERICK and his wingman Goose take part in a series of mock dogfights with the absolute legend that is Michael Ironside's RICK 'JESTER' HEATHERLY Top Gun's best of the best Top Gun instructor under the ever watchful eyes of MIKE 'VIPER' METCALF (Tom Skerritt), Top Gun's Commanding officer and instructor, who just so happened to have flown and fought along side MAVERICK's dead dad during the Vietnam War. Then to set these young men's hearts a flutter (well, one young man) in minces Charlotte Blackwood (Kelly McGillis) whose call sign is 'Charlie' to fall in love with MAVERICK. In the third act, a training mission goes bad, Goose dies, MAVERICK blames himself, quits Top Gun, rejoins, goes on a live mission as the second best pilot in the Navy and saves the life of the best, ICE MAN, shots down four jets with a pea shooter (true!) and everyone loves him. And that's it for the plot. 

Actually the plot matters not one jote to this blockbuster mega hit which made an astonishing $362 million off of a $15 million budget. It was produced by two of the greatest names in Hollywood Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer who deserve a film in their own right, the stories of their excesses and exploits are legendary. And directed by the brother of Ridley Scott, Tony Scott who was a fascinating good director in his own right and had a real flair for these sorts of hi-octane action flicks and he directs this brilliantly. 

Shot through a sepia filter, this is an exhilarating, throbbing, and ridiculous romp. The airplane stuff is superb, the soundtrack is all banger and brilliantly synched with the action, which never lets up. Ultimately this is a 109 minute music/recruitment video for the U.S. Navy which gave an unprecedented amount of access to it's fleet and aircraft. The film is only ever three minutes away from a scene where these rugged men are topless having clipped conversations in changing rooms and showers, or playing beach volleyball, dripping with water or sweat, and so close do these hench, buff, young men get to each other, you can't work out if they're going to punch each other or kiss passionately. Then, inbetween all the staggering homo-erotica we have these men thrusting their way through the air in billion-dollar fighter planes, sweating and grunting their way through mock dog fights before we get to the real stuff, in the final act, when these boys finally get to unleash red-tipped rockets at a group of black-leather clad Russian fighter boys in mirrored sunglasses, which burst in glorious spurts of flame and smoke, as fingers grip joysticks and triggers get flicked. It really is one of the gayest films I've ever seen. It's insanely pro-America, it's a love letter to the US Navy and in response, the Navy set up recruitment booths in some American cinemas and claimed that recruitment went up 500%, although that was a bit of a fib, and they later admitted that enlistment rose by 8%.

I wasn't a huge fan of this when it first blasted onto our screens back in 1986, it was too gung-ho, too jingoistic, too butch, but time has been kind to it and now you can watch it with a rye smile, enjoying the ridiculous chaste homo-erotic charge, the pumping soundtrack and the amazing arial footage and special effects, although TOP GUN: MAVERICK, the belated 2022 sequel did it all so much better with some utterly thrilling actual inflight footage. 

This was throbbing, fun, popcorn flick, as empty and tasty as candy floss but stupidly entertaining at the same time. It's great to see it again on the big screen, and easily worth a brief 109 minutes of your life. 

 7/10.

#49: THE SHEEP DETECTIVE

 

STARRING: Hugh Jackman, Nicholas Braun, Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Patrick Stewart, Bella Ramsey, Brett Goldstein, Hong Chau and Emma Thompson. Written by Craig Mazin. Based on Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann. Directed by Kyle Balda. Budget $75 million. Running time 109 minutes.

The plot sees a group of sheep set out to solve the murder of their shepherd George Hardy (Hugh Jackman). It's a classic murder mystery, with a cast of likely suspects, all with motives, and if you're eagle-eyed and listen carefully you should be able to solve the murder, I did and it was fun! Anyway, when said shepherd dies, the sheep lead by the brainiest, Lily (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Mopple (Chris O'Dowd) and Sebastian (Bryan Cranston) set out to solve the murder. However, this being a live-action movie and set in the 'real world-ish', the Sheep are really sheep and constrained by sheep logic and rules, they can't talk to humans, can't operate machinery or do things a real sheep couldn't. Indeed the rules of the sheep world are very well laid out and work really well, the film makes sure never to break the rules to advance the plot and I was very moved by their lore and knowledge. The large cast of sheep are voiced by the likes of Patrick Stewart, Brett Goldstein, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Bella Ramsey and Rhys Darby. While in the human camp we get Nicholas Braun and Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Hong Chau, Tosin Cole, Kobna Hodbrook-Smith, Conleth Hill, Mandeep Dhillon and Emma Thompson, who has it in her contract that she must appear in every wacky British film made. Actually watching her in this, she plays Lydia Harbottle a lawyer handling George Hardy's estate, I was struck the notion of another The Devil Wear Prada film where Thompson plays a rival fashion diva, perhaps the editor of a British fashion mag to rival Runway, I haven't worked out the plot yet, but I can already see Thompson and Streep duking it out. 

ANYWAY, what of this film, Leach you idiot?

Well, I won't lie. This, for me anyway was a very mixed bag. This starts off well with George and his flock, it's established he doesn't herd the sheep for meat, just their wool, and he loves his flock deeply, although not carnally, which is a blessing for him and us both. He tends them, nurses them and even reads to them every night at bedtime, mostly crime detective fiction, which is why the sheep set off to solve his murder. This part of the film I loved, a sheer delight, the animation is superb, the characterisation, the voices the looks of the varied breeds of sheep all worked wonderfully. But then the film takes us to the fictional village of Denbrook and my heart sank like the Bismarck. It was a dreadful faux Americanised version of an English village filled with horrible anachronistic details, like great big American trucks, farmers wearing baseball caps, neon signs that hung from every shop including the police station! The uniforms of said policeman, the insanely diverse ethnic mix of the small village that you could easily play Ethnic Bingo with as you tick off all the groups represented here. The representation of the bungling loveable English cove, from dim-witted cop to brutish butcher to angry publican. In fact, if it'd been set in London, I guarantee you'll have had fog bound cobbled streets and a Bobby blowing his whistle. 

All this put my teeth on edge and lost me, it all felt like so desperate trying to be all inclusive to everybody and every age to the detriment of the audience and I found myself hating it, deeply. It was sickingly twee and sweet, the human characters were all panto villains or jolly scallywags, and yet through it all the dogged determination of the sheep and their world to get justice for the beloved murdered shepherd won me over. The way the handled things beyond their realm of understanding, like tarmac was fantastic, their own religion which explained where clouds come from was simply magical and it's because of those four-legged walking roast dinners that I was finally won over and found myself, quite against my intention liking it greatly. I was most satisfied by the solving of the crime and the truth behind the revelations of each of the suspects, the film worked wonderfully as a who-dunnit and as a charming talking animal film. Imagine this existing in the same universe as Babe. 

You'll come for the sheep and stay for the very satisfying conclusion. 

8/10

#48: TUNER

 

STARRING: Leo Woodall, Havan Rose Liu, Lior Raz, Tovah Feldshuh, Jean Reno and Dustin Hoffman. Written by Daniel Roher and Robert Ramsey. Directed by Daniel Roher. Running time 107 minutes.

Piano tuner, Niki White (Leo Woodall) a once gifted piano prodigy who gave up his dreams when he was struck down by chronic hearing condition which makes him acutely susceptible to loud noises is forced to raise $66 thousand dollars when his 'Uncle' and boss, Harry Horowitz (Dustin Hoffman) suffers a stroke and ends up in hospital. Niki pursues a secondary career as a safe cracker for Uri (Lior Raz) a security specialist who puts safes into rich people's houses then robs them blind. Niki's sideline in criminality goes well until he meets and falls in love with virtuoso Ruthie (Havana Rose Liu), but then goes all Pete Tong when a safe cracking job goes wrong and a man gets killed leaving Niki desperate to find a way out of the criminal life he's embraced.

A well built crime caper pic with a unique take, featuring a man who slips into criminality accidentally to initially help those around him, but then becomes trapped. As the stakes rise, Niki realises he's in too deep and frantically tries to find an out, but at what cost?

Not much more to add, this was a satisfying and entertaining crime caper flick with a good cast and a lead, Leo Woodall, who easily holds his own against the likes of Dustin Hoffman and Jean Reno. The music is lovely and the cinematography matches beautifully. This would have easily scored a 9/10 if it hadn't left so much up in the air. That said, the plot which twists and turns ends with a bitter sweet note and a great final line. 

Satisfying and enjoyable. 8/10

#47: MORTAL KOMBAT II

 

STARRING: Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Ludi Lin, Mehcad Brooks, Tati Gabrielle, Lewis Tan, Damon Herriman, Chin Han, Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada. Written by Jeremy Slater. Directed by Simon McQuoid. Budget $80 million. Running time 116 minutes long that you'll never get back. 

Apparently, this is a sequel to 2021's Mortal Kombat and the fourth film in the Mortal Kombat 'film series', which first began with 1995's Mortal Kombat. Added to that five animated films too. It's based on a video game, which I used to play back in the day showing just how old it is and it's not Street Fighter, which is out later this year. This one is the one where someone says 'FLAWLESS VICTORY' and a defeated opponent could get his spine ripped out. In the new film Karl Urban's Johnny Cage - a movie star and five-time karate champion is press-ganged into fighting to save the Earth realm from a Darth Vader clone armed with a massive hammer called Shao Kahn (the man not the hammer, I don't know what the hammer was called. Probably Hammy McHammer) in an interdimensional fight tournament called Mortal Kombat.  

That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle. 

I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before. 

Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent. 

2/10  

#46: A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

 

STARRING: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, Frances O'Connor, Sam Robards, Brendan Gleeson, Jack Thomas and William Hurt. Based on Supertoys Last All Summer Long by Brian Aldiss. Screenplay by Steven Spielberg. Budget $100 million. Running time 146 minutes. Originally released in 2001. Worldwide box office takings $235.9 million. 

Originally conceived as a Stanley Kubrick film, Spielberg took it on after Kubrick's death. The plot sees horrifically cute poppet android, David (Haley Joel Osment) given to grieving parents, Monica and Henry Swinton (Frances O'Connor and Sam Robards) while their son, Martin (Jake Thomas) lies in a medically induced coma until a cure arrives for whatever it is that ails him, David is a new type of synthetic android, designed to look like a small boy. He is programmed to imprint on his human and to love them unconditionally and he does with his 'mother' Monica. However, when her real son is brought out of his coma and his medical condition cured, David becomes surplus to requirements and so-called loving mother takes David and his robot teddybear off into the woods and dumps him there. David is obsessed by the story of Pinocchio and convinced if he can find the Blue Fairy he'll be transformed into a real boy and Monica will love him again. So, off he goes on a quest with Gigolo Joe, an android sex worker (Jude Law) to find the Blue Fairy. Much hilarity ensues as the unlikely trio of chums fall foul of the Flesh Fair, get arrested by cops, and confront his own creator, in David's case, all before an aquatic date with destiny with the Blue Fairy in the sunken city of New York. Then it's just a 2000 year plot jump and a bunch of sentient robots digging up David to torment him one last time before switching him off for ever. 

By god this is a creepy, unsettling film, and by far Spielberg's most nihilistic and bleak, it's clear he's channeling Kubrick for all he's worth and as a result the film is striped of any sign of joy or happiness. From the word go when we're introduced to this sunken world of post-apocalyptic misery we know we're in for a rough ride, it's a world of haves and have-nots, and neither side is happy about it. Haley Joel Osment was a remarkable child actor and he's expected to carry the expectations of the film squarely on his young shoulders and he does so brilliantly, it's just a shame David is such a shitty character, he might be a robot child, but the one thing you come away thinking about him, is how much a bloody good slap back of his head by with massive metal rod would help him. He's insanely needy, his desperate desire to be loved boarded on the psychotic and for a long portion of this film you just find yourself wishing him ill. Luckily Jude Law is on hand to grab the little scrot by the hand and drag him through the smaltz and towards an uncertain date with destiny courtesy of his dad, William Hurt and a bunch of highly advanced calculators who seem to spend their days digging up old robotic tech, revising them and then tormenting them just one more time. It's a fun game and I admire their vindictiveness, cos that little shit, David, bloody deserves it. Needy little fucker.

This looks good, but is very bleak, relentless, grim and depressing. There's no happy ending, despite what Spielberg might say about it. Visually it looks good and the effects are mostly practical or matte based, oddly enough no sign of the wretched CGI and actual A.I effects that have come to so blight modern cinema. Despite this being lower tier Spielberg it's still bloody well made and impressively mounted. 

It's a shame we never got to see Kubrick's version of this, he was one of the greatest film directors ever and I love his films. that said, Spielberg ain't no slouch in the direction department either, so if it had to be someone picking up the reins, I'm glad it's him and not someone else. 

Anywho, it's been 25 years since I last saw this, and I'll happily wait another 25 before I have to see it again, so in all probability, this is the last time I'll ever see it again. 

7/10
  

#45: HIGHLANDER

 

STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Roxanne Hart, Clancy Brown and sean Connery. Story by Gregory Widen. Screenplay by Gregory Widen, Peter Bellwood and Larry Ferguson. Directed by Russell Mulcahy. Cinematography by Gerry Fisher. Music by Michael Kamen with incidental music by Queen. Budget $19 million. Running time 111 minutes. Box office $13 million. Originally released in 1986.

A bonafide boxoffice bomb when it was first released grossing less than $13 million during it's cinematic run and yet going on to spawn not one but two direct sequels, 1991's Highlander II: The Quickening and 1994's Highlander III: The Sorcerer aka  The Final Dimension. Two film sequels based on the TV show - 2000's Highlander: Endgame and 2007's Highlander: The Source. And a 2007 anime movie Highlander: The Search for Vengeance, which is the only Highlander property to have garnered positive reviews. Not bad for a film that on its release received a 24% Rotten Tomato score. 

Time has been kind to Highlander and no mistake. There's something about the idea that resonates with people, hence the desperate attempts to recapture the lighting-in-a-bottle with terrible remakes, reboots and sequels. And yet that first film is so raw, so pumped and so goddam satisfying, well apart from the plot-hole riddled script that it's almost impossible to hate. Opening with the sight of the Cannon Logo, which gave me a nice warm glow, and I eased into it, my brain reminding me seconds before what was about to happen. I'd forgotten the superb scene transitions and in particular that fish tank to Loc cut. It's such a child of its times and Russell Mulcany directs with a real verve and authority,  bringing tricks and skills from his bringing days directing music videos and it really pays off, this is an action film that feels and looks fresh and dynamic.

This film is best when we see McConnor's journey through the centuries and is at it's most uninteresting when it's just grumpy of Christopher Lambert acting like a petulant school boy and rucking with Kurgan (Clancy Brown). The plot cleverly cuts back and forth in time for 14th Century Scotty land through to WWII and the present, or past as it is now, revealing McConnor's back story, which truly comes alive with the arrival of Sean Connery, a Scottish man playing a 2000 year old Spanish Egyptian, who just steals the whole film lock stock and barrel, well him and Clancy Brown, having the literal time of his life as the utterly insane immortal Kurgan. Special mention must be made of the cinematography by Gerry Fisher which is beautiful, capturing the majesty of the Highlands perfectly.

This is a magnificent rambunctious romp, just don't delve too deeply into details, because it's there where it comes apart. Just strap yourself in and marvel at what was achieved with a relatively low budget, for a short time Russell Mulcahy was a director of some skill and he produced some great films, this, The Shadow, Razorback  and Richocet, and not forgetting the legendary Derek and Clive Get the Horn (one of my favourite films). This, well it's not perfect, but it's bloody good fun and it has a rough and ready feel about it that makes it hard to hate. It moves at a furious lick, it never lets up, it's never boring, it's just that it all becomes a bit too silly.  

To watch this again 40 years after it was first released was an absolute treat, up on the big screen I was swept up in it all and loved every second, and the music all in all, it was a kinda magic. 

8/10

#44: THE DEVIL WEAR PRADA 2

 

STARRING: Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, Justin Theroux,  Stanley Tucci, Tibor Feldman, B.J. Novak, Lucy Liu, Lady Gaga, oh and Kenneth Branagh, who had two violin trainers to help him with his part. Written by Aline Brosh McKenna. Directed by David Frankel. Budget $100 million. Running time 119 minutes. 

It's been 20 years since the first The Devil Wears Prada outing when snooty wannabe journo, Andi (Anne Hathaway) got an internship at the fictitious fashion magazine, Runaway under the tyrannical editorship of its matriarch Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep). Andi learned that to fit in and climb to the top of the talent tree she would have to abandon her dreams of being a real journalist, ditch her truly horrible, needy egotistic friends, her deeply selfish boyfriend, and her principles, don the highly fashionable and fabulous couture and baubles of the very people she used to look down her really long nose at and despise and become one of them herself. The last time we saw her she was swanning down 5th Avenue in some truly gaudy hi-end fashion combo, as smug as the cat what got the cream and imagining she was truly 'it' having secured the job of her dreams, writing obits for a New York newspaper.  

Well, how has the past 20 treated her? Have they been kind? Is she now the editor-in-chief of the New York Times? Or maybe features editor of The New Yorker? No, she's just been made redundant by email and she's back on the streets looking for a job. Well, don't worry Andi, I'm sure in this cinematic 21st Century things are still absolutely fabulous at Runway, they're bound to welcome you back with open arms, even if you did destroy a valuable piece of their tech, and steal a shit-load of very expensive branded items of clothing. Well actually things are pretty crap at Runway, Miranda's just written an article seemingly endorsing child labour, she's forced to mind her manners when dealing with the younglings who populate her staff and she has to cowtow to chairman of the board Irv Ravitz (Tibor Feldman). Anyway, when Irv dies before promoting her to head of everything global, she finds herself locking horns with Irv's son, Jay (B.J. Novak) and having to deal with Emily (Emily Blunt) who's now an executive at Dior and dating super-rich tech nerd Benji (Justin Theroux). Into this complicated world minces Andi to take on the role of Features Editor and save the day.

The plot twists and turns with betrayals, backstabbings and reveals galore and will leave you giddy, taking no prisoners and refusing to slow down even one iota David Frankel directs this as if he has a taxi waiting. Scenes scream by like supercars on the Autobahn, there's no let up, no moments of relaxation, in fact it feels more like he's edited out key scenes to keep the running time down. One minute we're in Manhattan, the next Milan, then Newark, it's like using the 10 second jump feature on Netflix. It's one of those films were we, the audience, are just witnesses to the proceedings, while all the other characters know exactly what's going on but refuse to share any of it with us. Plot points are quickly introduced then just quickly dumped. For example, at one point Andi borrows a fabulous dress for a party at Miranda's house and is ordered by Nigel to return it immaculately. Naturally Andi, who should have stuck a napkin in her collar, spills  a single spot of sauce on it and she sneaks into the house to desperately try and clean it. She does. And that's it.  

Anyway, the returning cast who don't seem to have aged a day all seem to be enjoying this second bite of this cherry immensely and who can blame them, wearing fabulous clothing, jetting off round the world and generally acting like kids in a playground. Streep is just superb in this, Miranda is a brilliant character and I found myself thinking it would be great to see how she and Tucci clawed their way to the top, for once their origin story would be worth watching. Tucci positively revels in the role of Nigel dispensing much needed levity and context, he's the nicest thing in this by a country mile. Indeed, you need him to cut through the festering darkness that is Miranda. Of them all, I was most delighted to find that Emily Blunt's Emily is the one character who's had the best time since the first film, from Miranda's tortured personal assistant to Senior Executive at Dior, you go, girlfriend!

Anyway, the script by Aline Brosh McKenna who also returns for this belated sequel is witty and entertaining even if the world it portrays is a fake as a three dollar bill. Anyone who's ever worked in publishing will find themselves laughing at the utter anachronisms on display, there's not a magazine alive today that could be this extravagant. This outing isn't as nasty as its predecessor, and Miranda has clearly mellowed, but watching her manipulate and control the narrative is actually rather enjoyable, she becomes its main focus, which is a very good thing, firstly cos Streep is such a joy to behold and secondly her character is the most interesting. Luckily the film doesn't try to make her a good person, she's still as ruthless and scheming and yet this time we're allowed to see the purpose behind it all and her justification. Sadly though the same can't be said of Andi who's still too wholesomely cute and plucky for my tastes. 

The audience I saw this with was predominantly female and laughed and whispered throughout it all, and as such I predict this will clean up at the boxoffice. I realised near that end that this film does something I've not seen before, or at least don't think I've seen, it shows women in a professional setting just doing their jobs and not relying on any prince charming to save them or explain things, but also none of that is at the expense of the male characters, who are all portrayed as supportive while not being emasculated, they're not the villains here, in fact it felt as if both were being treated as equals. It makes a change to watch a film made up of a mostly female cast in a film that doesn't involve mistaken identities, Sydney Sweeny, murders or lust.

Overall this is a good looking, but vacuous flick that just about stays this side of too long and just about manages to deliver an entertaining and amusing romp, even if most the characters are back stabbing scum and the world they inhabit well beyond the realms of reality. 

7/10 

#43: THE CHRISTOPHERS

 

STARRING: Ian McKellen, Michaela Coel, Jessica Gunning. Cameo James Corden. Written by Ed Solomon. Music by David Holmes. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Running time 100 minutes. 

The plot sees the elderly, reclusive and deeply eccentric painter, Julian Sklar (Ian McKellen) hire an art assistant, Lori Butler (Michaela Coel) on the behest of his two estranged children, Sallie (Jessica Gunning) and Barnaby (James Corden). Although unbeknown to Julian, Lori is a plant sent in by the two scheming adult children to find hidden in Julian's town-house six unfinished paintings called The Christophers. It turns out that Julian painted them of his lover back in the 1990s as part of the third series of paintings, of which they were never completed. Lori, a painter herself, has been hired by the children to find the paintings, finish them off and hide them in the house so that on Julian's death they can be discovered and sold for a fortune.  

Together these two bicker and argue and slowly re-ignite each other's passions for art and work out a scheme to torpedo the sibling's plans and secrets are revealled and past transgressions exposed to powerful effect. 

Much of this film is carried by McKellen who has by far the most dialogue, often delivered, or so it seems, in long takes with Michaela witnessing from the sidelines before delivering a 'yes', or 'no', or even a 'hmmhmm.' She is a commanding actress and easily holds her own, but her role is also the main focus of the film, she bridges the dreadful siblings and their father and provides the narrative push. Soderbergh is a master at delivering precise and relatively short films, he has an ability to cut out the flab and produce lean, mean films that never feel hurried yet do their job in an hour and a half or so. 

It's funny going into this I had no idea it was a Steven Soderbergh film, and it's only once the credits rolled that I realised the truth and it made total sense, this as a real quality of his, and reminded me tonally of his excellent spy movie of last year, 'Black Bag'. He really does have an excellent eye for direction and performances and both leads are exceptionally good in their roles. Similarly the art direction and locations are wonderful. And Julian's London town houses truly convince as the sprawling home of a one famous artist and his life time of hoarding artistic junk. 

The interplay between both Coel and McKellen is the absolute key to the success of this film and this proved to be a most satisfying and entertaining exploration of the creative process. 

A great soundtrack by frequent collaborator David Holmes is a welcome addition, and in this he produces another perfectly in tune soundtrack, that bloke is really da bomb at banging chunes. Overall this was a deeply satisfying and engrossing film and worth a gander. And best of all the odious James Cordon doesn't stay on the screen long enough to poison the whole thing. He's clearly at his best in short, cameo style roles that don't outstay their welcome.  

8/10  

#42: FIGHT CLUB

 

STARRING:   Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf Aday and Jared Leto. Screenplay by Jim Uhis. Based on the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Music by The Dust Brothers. Cinematography by Jeff Cronenweth. Directed by David Fincher. Budget $65 million. Running time 139 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

Our narrator, a lonely, un-named, insomnia-suffering insurance investigator (Edward Norton), befriends a soap sales man and radical urban revolutionary called Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) on a domestic flight and the two men become friends and form and underground boxing club called Fight Club. As Tyler encourages our narrator to embrace his masculinity and identity and abandon his capitalistic ideals, the two men become inseparable until the arrival of Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter), an nihilistic, chain-smoking, suicide in waiting, young woman who brings raw passion, sex and bizarrely love into the mix, causing a schism between the two men, made worse when our narrator discovers that Tyler is planning an act of financial anarchy that will literally cause the collapse of capitalism. 

OMG! What an absolute blast! What an utterly unhinged, manic, relentless roar! What an extraordinary experience! What an exhilarating rambunctious romp! What a brilliant black as tar comedy! And what astonishing performances, none of the cast, from Meat Loaf to Norton, to Bonham Carter to Pitt have ever been better! Brad Pitt then the sexiest man in the whole goddam universe! is an utter revelation, his Tyler Durden is an incredible character, and Norton the straight man of the duo brings a well-needed reality to the proceedings. Fincher directs this with absolute control, it's a film with sure a raw centre that it needs a director like him to manage it and I can't imagine any other director being able to land this beast any better than he does! But he's not alone, the cinematography, which despite being filmed mostly at night is never lost in the murky, inky blackness, the sound track by The Dust Brothers is so raw it positively pulsates through your chest. And the choice of music is note perfect. 

This starts off fantastically well, the black humour drips from the screen and the raw energy propels the film perfectly and for the first hour this is note perfect, it sadly begins to slow when Project Mayhem raises it's head and while the film is still fantastically good, it loses its focus as Durden's grand scheme begins to take centre stage. By now everybody in the world must know the 'twist', so I don't feel bad about talking about it here. 

HOWEVER. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE (WHAT THE HELL) THEN BE CAUTIOUS THIS BIT CONTAINS A MAJOR SPOILER. 

The revelation that the Narrator and Durden are the same man is a brilliant reveal. I can't remember if I knew this going in, but the clues are there if you're paying attention and there's a lovely moment when Marla suddenly realises the truth which is beautiful to behold. The three leads, Norton, Pitt and Bonham-Carter are such good actors and to see the three of them deliver such superb performances is a joy to behold. 

Bloody loved this, it does dip, a tad, but not enough to cost it, because this is such an unique cinematic experience, a delight to see it again on the big screen. It's a film that deserves to be writ large, it's radical, raw and revolutionary. 

A cinematic masterpiece.

10/10 

#41: EXIT 8

 

STARRING: Kazunari Ninomiya, Yamato Kochi, Naur Asanuma, Kotone Hanase and Nana Komastsu. Based on the video game The Exit 8 by Kotake Create. Screenplay by Kentaro Hirase and Genki Kawamura. Directed by Genki Kawamura. Running time 95 minutes. 

The plot sees a nameless bloke known only as The Lost Man on his morning commute on a packed tube train. He witnesses an angry commuter absolutely lose his rag over a screaming baby and its mother and does nothing to help. Then his ex-girlfriend calls to him him she's pregnant and asks him what he wants to do, it's clear that he's not ready to be a daddy and tells her he's on his way to the hospital to meet her and gets off the train. That's when things go all Twilight Zone and The Lost Man finds him self trapped in a Möbius loop of white tiled tunnels and given a set of instructions to find his way to Exit 8, he is on Exit 0. He is told to look for anomalies and when he finds one to turn back, otherwise to keep going. This he does and meets a series of other people, the Walking Man, a Young Woman and a Small Boy. Along the way he either makes the right choice and moves on to the next level, or gets it wrong and goes back to zero, all the while confronting his shortcomings and accepting the responsibilities of potential parenthood. And that's about it for the Möbius loop plot. It ends with The Lost Man back on his morning commute with the screaming baby, but how will it end?

This is not a horror film, do not be fooled by the trailer, and it's not a bad thing either. This is a film that makes you think, you play along with The Lost Man, learning the rules of this game and you become engaged with the frightened young man as he accepts responsibility and the prospects of becoming a father and all that entails. 

It's well made, the set is brilliant and it's different in style look, feel and acting. It's also mercifully brief at only 95 mintues long. I gotta say I guessed what was going on and it didn't bother me. Satisfying. Nothing more, nothing less, except the horror film the trailer and advertising screamed it was. 

8/10

#40: MICHAEL

 

STARRING: Jaafar Jackson, Nia Long, Laura Harrier, Juliano Krue Valdi, Miles Teller and Colman Domingo. Written by John Logan. Directed by Antoine Fuqua. Budget $170 million. Running time 127 minutes.

I gotta say I was kinda worried that the new Michael Jackson bio-pic, Michael would gloss over the child abuse allegations, so it's good to see they're tackling it right off the bat with the film poster.

And so to the film. It's 1967 and domestic bully and patriarch, Joseph Jackson (Colman Domingo), a steel worker forces his five sons to form a band he calls the Jackson 5, just think if there'd only been three of them, then pop history would probably know them as the Jackson Trio, which doesn't quite have the same ring, unless he'd launched his own chocolate covered biscuit bar, but I imagine he'd have been sued by United Biscuits who made the Trio bar if he did. Anyway, he didn't and they didn't and so we're left with this, the sanitised, glamourised, homogenised, Hollywoodised telling of the Pedo-Prince of Pop's life story, glossing over any impropriety or uncomfortable truth with a thick veneer of adulation, idol-worship and undying love. Structured like a 21st Century version of 1954 Glenn Miller Story, this is the classic sugary-sweet, warts and all (minus the warts), rags-to-riches story of little MJ, the PPoP from wide-eyed adorable pop poppet to 'on the verge of universal acclaim' in 1988, just short of all those completely innocent multi-million dollar payouts Micky (as he loved to be called) made to a whole slew of children for no apparent reason, apparently, and most certainly not because he liked to share his bed with them, no siree. ANYHOO, back to the plot. Bad Dad Jackson beats the band into shape, literally, they're signed by Motown, they have sell-out concerts across the US, shift a literal shit-tonne of albums and become megastars. Then Michael gets his nose fixed, visits kids in hospital, decides to eradicate gang violence with music and inspirational dance, invents the moonwalk, makes a zombie video, then gets blown up in a Pepsi ad, which is why all cans of Pepsi carry a 'Highly Flammable' warning (check it out if you don't believe me), and then Mikey does one more performance with his fam before finally setting off solo to make his fortune, build a creepy one-man fun fair and zoo and goes all Howard Hughes.

The trouble is this film is just the sugar coating, according to it, there's nothing to tarnish Jackson, or at least nothing worth noting and it's galling. I'm sure that if you're a fan of MJ then this film will be a masterpiece, a stunning celebration to him and his legacy but for the rest of us not blinded by his godhead, what of us?  

Well for me going in I thought that with the exception of Thriller, I wasn't a fan of his work and was pleasantly surprised to discover that actually I liked quite a lot of it, well the Jackson 5 stuff anyway, the pure Jackson stuff leaves me cold, a bit like this film did. It's well directed by Antoine Fuqua whose Equalizer trilogy I very much liked, and the performances are good, particularly Domingo and Jaafar Jackson, but there was no real depth to the proceedings, this is all surface, with the odd glimpse of something more, and it all feels a lot like a light paddle rather than a deep dive. I found the section with the young Michael Jackson by far the most interesting and entertaining but got a little bored by the adult Michael and his slow rise to the top, which plays like a 1950s biopic. Even his near death experience while making the Pepsi commercial feels inconsequential and the vague mention of painkillers that would come to rue his life is done in the same casual manner. Finally when from his hospital bed he declares his divine vision for the future I kinda lost my patience with it all. According to this, he was a veritable innocent, unblemish, possessing a mind utterly unsullied by a single thought of S. E. X. What a fucking saint. 

Ultimately, this is a music video compilation of his greatest hits. And while nowhere near as good A Complete Unknown, or as joyous as Bohemian Rhapsody, it's still far more enjoyable than Rocket Man. But regardless, this is just a whitewash, so to speak, a flimflan, a cleverly constructed con, a massive masterful act of misdirection, and if you're a diehard fan of Michael Jackson you'll love this, your icon is untarnished, he gleams as brightly as ever, while the rest of us will wonder what all the fuss was about and asking where's all the warts? 

This gets a 4/10 for the Jackson 5 era part of the film, the rest of it left a sour taste, it must be all the white paint. 

FOOTNOTE.

If Elvis was the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and Madonna was the Queen of Pop, then surely Michael Jackson should have been known as the Duke of York of Pop?

#39: AKIRA

 

STARRING: (Voice actors) Mitsuo Iwata, Nozomu Sasaki, Nami Koyama, Taro Ishida, Tesshō Genda, Derek Smith, Mizhuo Suzuki, Tatsuhiko Nakamura, Fukue Itō and Kazuhiro Shindō. Based on Akira manga by Katsuhiro Otomo. Screenplay by Katsuhiro Otomo and Iao Hashimoto. Produced by Ryōhei Suzuki and Shunzō Katō. Directed by Katsuhiro Otomo. Cinematography Katsuji Misawa. Edited by Takeshi Seyama. Music by Shōji Yamashiro. Budget $5.7 million. Boxoffice $49 million. Running time 124 minutes. Originally released in 1988.

All together now, "CANADA!!!!"

Outside the oeuvre of Studio Ghibli and K-Pop Demon Hunters, Akira and is perhaps the most famous anime of all-times, it's certainly the most influential and epoch making. The story involving mutant albino midgets, mind altering drugs, Japanese biker gangs, covert military organisations and telekinesis would take longer to successfully synopsis than to watch so you'll have to trust me on this. This is fantastic! An absolute thrill ride, a bat-shit bonkers, relentless kinetic, roaring masterclass in animation. 

Go and see this if you can up there on the big screen and absolutely marvel at the fact that this bad boy is hand drawn! There's not a shred of CGI for a million miles. The animation is perfection itself, gasp at the motorbike chase through the city, the scale and ambition of it all, the pounding soundtrack and spot how many times you've seen this film ripped off by other pale imitators, live-action and anime alike. This didn't just rip up the book on what an animated film could do, it also wrote a whole new book on animation and then ripped that one up too! 

For years Hollywood has unsuccessfully tried to make a live-action remake of this film and failed, and for the simple reason that it can't be done. This does things with paint and ink that look sublime. Its success lies in the fact it's approached as if it was live-action hi-octane action film, with machine gun rapid editing, dazzling cinematography, and a pulse pumping soundtrack. Plus, it's without doubt one of the greatest science fiction films ever made! 

It's cultural impact cannot be understated. It's gone on to influence films, animation, comics, video games and popular culture and was the spearhead in the explosion of Japanese popular culture in the west back in the late 1980s and heralded the surge of popularity in anime and all thing Asian.

The funny thing is I've written all that from memory as I've not yet been to the cinema to see it. In fact I'm off tomorrow night, so I'm going to sign off here and return post film and conclude my review. Will be I still feel the same about it? 

BY GOD THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE! I'd forgotten the neon lights, the music, the violence, the animation, the vision of Otomo and the sheer energy of it all. Oh, and that amazing motorbike of Kanada, that sideways skid, so copied and imitated, this is a 38 year old animated movie that makes a mockery of most of the present CGI animated movies that get thrown at us, and Hollywood has never made an animated film this adult. It's lost none of its power, it truly is a technical marvel. 

10/10

FOOTNOTE

I just realised something. One of the first things we spot in movies is bad CGI animation, think the awful train hopping Indiana Jones in Diarrhea of Destiny as an example. There's a bad bit in the new Mortal Combat II where we spy a group of fighters battling on a mountain top arena, the animation is off, the timing wrong. It sticks out cos we can't help but spot it. But Akira, there is not one single piece of duff animation, it is pure perfection, and to think it was done using traditional techniques. 

#38: STAND BY ME

 

STARRING: Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Jerry O'Connell, Kiefer Sutherland, Richard Drefyus and John Cusack. Screenplay by Raynold Gideon and Bruce A. Evans. Based on the Stephen King novella The Body. Budget $8 million. Box office $52 million. Running time 89 minutes. Originally released in 1986.

Set in 1959, this coming-of-age drama, sees four friends on the cusp of secondary school, set off on a quest to find the dead body of a missing boy reportedly lying along a stretch of railway track. The four friends, Gordie (Wil Wheaton), Chris (River Phoenix), Teddy (Corey Feldman) and Vern (Jerry O'Connell) set off one morning with just $1.69 in their pockets, a couple of canteens of water and some bedrolls slung over their shoulders and stroll off along the railway track, singing, bickering, fighting, falling-out, reconciling and doing battle with not one but two trains. Along the way we learn about their lives, their dreams,  aspirations and the sorrow in their souls, and all the time the town psycho, uber-bully and knife-wielding gang-leader Ace Merrill (Kiefer Sutherland) dogs their progress threatening violence. This is a bitter-sweet quest as if the four friends know that the spectre of change hangs over their young lives and that this final summer outing before 'big school' will be their last as friends.

Directed by Rob Reiner with care, consideration and restraint he avoids making this a wacky Goonies style adventure instead focusing on the power of raw emotions on young minds. This is a tight film running to a brisk 89 minutes but never feels hurried or rushed. Interspersed with a legendary story about a pie-eating contest, a battle with leeches, and the genuinely poignant discovery of the dead body of the boy which triggers emotions in both Gordie as he remembers the funeral of his much loved brother Denny (John Cusack)when his father turns to him and says, "It should have been you." and I found myself thinking about my sister and found myself missing her as much as Gordie misses his brother. It made the scene immensely moving.

The most powerful thing you take away from this, or at least I took away from it, was just how astonishingly good River Phoenix was as an actor, by god that boy could act! He brings a level of believability to the role that staggers belief. And of the four child actors he is the best by a country mile. In direct contrast to Corey Feldman who acts with all the subtly and charm of a brick thrown through a plate glass window. Wil Wheaton also performs very well and gives the film its emotional core. Sadly, Jerry O'Connell has the thankless role of token 'fat boy' and has to weather the almost endless abuse hurled at him by all and sundry. 

A moving, joyful and beautifully produced film that will never age. 30 years old and still going strong. Catch it if you can.

9/10

#37: AMÉLIE

STARRING: Audrey Tautou, Mathieu Kassovitz, Rufus, Lorella Cravotta, Serge Merlin, Jamel Debbouze, Clair Maurier, Clotilde Mollet, Isabelle Nanty, Dominique Pinon, Arfus de Penguern, Yolande Moreau, Urbain Cancelier and Maurice Bénichou. Cinematography by Bruno Delbonnel. Edited by Hervé Schneid. Music by Uann Tiersen. Story by Guillaume Laurant and Jean-Pierre Juenet. Directed and screenplay by Jean-Pieree Jeunet. Budget $10 million. Running time 123 minutes. World wide box office $174.4 million. Originally released in 2001.

Quite possibly the most charming, sweet, adorable, whimsical and spellbindingly romantic movie ever made and also quite possibly the best French film EVER made. FACT! It tells the story of quirky Amélie Poulain who moves to Montmartre to work in a typical French Café and decides to help the small group of people who've become her surrogate family, before finding unexpected love in a photo-booth.

I would actually call this sublime, it's a wonderful film that put a smile on my face, that lasted the whole film, from the opening seconds when we actually  watch Amélie conceived, through her unhappy childhood and finally her escape to Paris when she's an adult. It's all so overwhelmingly charming that it's impossible to find fault with it, there's an energy that veritably pulses off the screen, the camera and direction dance with the joy. The cast, every single goddam one of them brings something to the mix, with a naturalistic ease. And through it all, beaming like a 10,000 lumem bulb, dances the beating heart of the film, Audry Tautou's Amélie, so effervescent she could out shine the sun. God, the camera loves her as she commands every close-up. Think of the film as a series of mini adventures as Amélie secretly orchestrates events to help those closest to her find love. 

Drop everything and see this now. 

10/10

#36: FUZE

 

STARRING: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Theo James, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Sam Worthington, Saffron Hocking, Elham Ehsas and Honor Swinton Bryne. Written Ben Hopkins. Directed by David Mackenzie. Running time 96 minutes.

When an unexploded WWII bomb is found on a building site, a square mile of London is evacuated and cordoned off by the PoPo while Major Will Tranter (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and his crack unit tries to defuse it. Meanwhile Karalis (Theo James) and 'X' (Sam Worthington) along with their band of professional bank robbers start drilling into the vault of a bank through a basement connecting wall in Edgeware Rd. But how did they know the bomb was there?

Bloody hell that was surprisingly exciting, twisty and turny. Produced by Sky and filmed in and around London, this looked like being any old generic police TV drama, but quickly revealed itself to be anything but. A great cast, a fast-paced script and a plot that keeps you guessing right up to the end. This was described as the perfect Dad movie and I couldn't agree more. I really enjoyed it and for once I couldn't guess the ending. It's no spoiler to tell you that the actual completion of the robbery is only the start of this gripping, tense and fantastically action packed thriller and that it's well worth a punt!

What with this and Crime 101 and Shelter 2026 is shaping up to be a good year for action thrillers.  

8/10

#34: THE MAGIC NOT FAR ENOUGH AWAY TREE

 

STARRING: Andrew Garfield, Claire Foy, Phoenix Laroche, Delilah Bennett-Cardy, Billie Gadsdon, Tom Johnson, Nonso Anozie, Jessica Gunning, Dustin Demri-Burns, Mark Heap, Simon Farnaby, Rebecca Ferguson, Michael Palin, Simon Russell Beale, Lenny Henry, Nicola Coughlan, Jessica Gunning and Jennifer Saunders. Screenplay by Simon Farnaby. Directed by Ben Gregor. Budget $80 million. Running time 110 minutes.

Stay at home husband, Tim (Andrew Garfield) and newly fired fridge designer Polly (Clair Foy) give up their hi-tech lives in the city and drag their three technology addicted children, Beth, Fran and Joe off to live in a barn in the country. There they find the Magic Faraway Tree and lots of lovely bonding and family related stuff happen, with lots of sugary delights and happy life lessons learned and there's even a family song that gets sung a lot. 

Not going to lie to you, I fucking hated this ghastly, sugary, sweet, twee and sickly sentimental sac of shit, the kids who all need a bloody good slap of reality, the generic locals they're all just so hateful. And then there's Andrew Garfield who comes out of this worst, his gurning, mugging little stupid face all bearded up and soppy, offering up a pathetically gentle and kind advice and support to his hideous family of over privileged stereo-typical ankle bitters. Who all come to turn on their tech-obsessed lives and embrace their father's life-long dream of selling home-made faux-Italian tomato sauce, while mum Clair Foy gives up on her previous life of industrial designer to become the stay-at-home-mum building a jerry-rigged green house in the garden. Oh then Jennifer Saunders arrives as Polly's mum to be the obligatory villain. Actually, I gotta say, Claire Foy is really good in this, you can see her professionalism shining through as she thinks about her mortgage getting paid for the next year or so off the back of this and good luck to her!

If only the film had been half as magical as the poster, which, to me, promises a magical land of adventure, not a trip to a giant fucking sweet shop. If only it had embraced the magical realm of the tree and ditched the generic, off-the-peg plot with its perfect three-act structure and life lessons learned, if only the kids got lost in a magical faraway land, while their parents search for them, but oh no what we get are kids getting magical wishes then trying to unwish them with the usual shits and giggles. I know I'm probably in the minority on this one, but there were just too many things in this that just continued to kick me in the mental pom-poms, like the forementioned Garfield who's just too smug and syrupy to be any good, the just absolutely awful one trick pony, Nicola Coughlan as Silky the earth-bound fairy, who just gets worst in everything she does. 

Apart from the horrible script and actors, the effects are okay. I kept thinking that if only this had been made by Terry Gilliam back in the 1980s it would have been a stone cold classic, but this sickly sweet confectionary of fairy tale tropes and tweeness is guaranteed to give you mental diabetes. 

But it's not all bad, thank the gods for the work of Dustin Demri-Burns as the Saucepan Man, Nonso Anozie as Moonface, Oliver Chris as Mr. Watzisname and Jessica Gunning as Dame Washalot and indeed all the magical characters, who are great, funny, unique and entertaining. 

Give me The Never Ending Story any day over this candy-floss nightmare. 

4/10

#33: THE DRAMA

 

STARRING: Zendaya, Robert Pattinson, Alana Haim, Mamoudou Athie and Hailey Gates. Written and directed by Kristoffer Borgli. Budget $28 million. Running time 105 minutes.

On the verge of their wedding, very much in love museum director Charlie Thompson (Robert Pattinson) and fiancee bookshop clerk Emma Harwood (Zendaya) go out with their friends, Rachel, Emma's Maid of Honour (Alana Haim) and Best Man, Mike (Mamoudou Athie) for a evening of wine tasting and while all are merrily imbued with fine wines and alcohol they all decide to play a game of 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?' For Charlie, Rachel and Mike their revelations reveal pranking a retarded kid, cyber-bullying a class mate, and using a girlfriend as a shield during a dog attack. However Emma's admission is so shocking and unexpected it triggers a series of terrible events that puts the whole marriage to be in jeopardy.

And that's enough of the plot, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you. This is a grown up, very well acted (very well acted indeed) with outstanding performances from both Pattinson and Zendaya. Pattinson gets the lion share of the screentime the film more intrigued with how Charlie reacts to Emma's 'truth', and its impact on their entire relationship is clearly deeply profound, as we see his mental struggles with it leading to a series of increasingly cringe-worthy events that build until you're squirming in your seat and watching through your fingers. They share a powerful chemistry which helps to make the conceit work, you believe these two love each other and are in a real relationship and the film takes its time to show how it all began, developed and then what happens next...

Because I don't want to spoil the reveal of the film I'm somewhat hamstrung by what I can say. So I'll get the superlatives out of the way first. I loved the look of the film, it all seems to have been shot on location and that gives the film a really intimate feel, from the homely feel of the couple's New York home, to their work places and finally the wedding venue. It sounds an odd thing to point out, but it really helps, I've seen so many TV dramas using hideous IKEA based sets that completely kills the sense of reality, not so here. Borgli directs brilliantly, he grants us access to the mental anguish Pattinson struggles with clever visual imaginings and editing, and flash backs to Emma's childhood help to sell the shocking revelation.     

The odd thing about this is that the 'shocking' reveal doesn't really feel that shocking for a UK audience, I can see how American audiences would be more impacted by it, but to me, whilst the reveal is surprising, when you find out what happened next one find yourself admiring her for her truth and puzzled why no one else can see it, or perhaps that's just me. 

Anyway, it has a fantastically funny impact and the wedding unravels spectacularly and unexpectedly.  

I enjoyed this greatly, it's bloody well acted, with great direction and an excellent script, it's filled with shocks, surprises and cringe worthy incident a plenty. Try and avoid any mentions or discussions of this and see it as soon as possible before someone spoils it for you. The great thing is that once again, this film will generate much discussion afterwards. 

After this, Splitsville and Sentimental Value relationship based films might just have become my new favourite genre.

9/10  

#32: SPLITSVILLE

 

STARRING: Dakota Johnson, Adria Arjona, Michael Angelo Covino and Kyle Marvin. Written by Michael Angelo Covino and Kyle Marvin. Directed by Michael Angelo Covino. Running time 104 minutes.

The plot follows two American couples, newly married life coach Ashley (Adria Arjona) and private school teacher Carey (Kyle Marvin) and their seriously well off friends, potter Julie (Dakota Johnson) and real estate developer Paul (Michael Angelo Covino). When after just 13 months of marriage Ashley tells Carey she wants a divorce she sets into motion an insane series of events that will break up and make relationships in the most unexpected fashion. Expect outrageous fights, multiple cases of eyebrow abuse, car crashes, dog poo, a veritable massacre of gold fish, a surprising amount of dick, brilliant dialogue and some fanstically clever sight gags, check out the portraits behind the Headmaster in his office. The film is peppered with great gags, additional characters and humour drier than a desert.

Writer, director and co-star Michael Angelo Covino delivers a truly and fantastically funny and chaotic comedy about modern relationships, he doesn't take the lead role, that falls to Kyle Marvin, but he does take perhaps the funniest, Paul, who proudly claims that his marriage to Julie is an 'open one', and that both partners are free to take lovers if and when they choose. Trouble is that when he finds out his best friend, Carey has slept with his wife he loses control and the proceeding fight almost destroys his fabulous lake side house. But that's just the beginning, thrown into the mix is Carey who has an unexpected and unusual solution to his wife leaving him, he moves back home and befriends her multiple lovers inviting them to move in with them. 

And even that much information isn't spoiling the film, this really was genuinely funny with a great cast. I gotta say that I've always thought that Dakota Johnson wasn't any good, I thought she was downright atrocious in Madame Web but here she absolutely shines, she's the brilliant centre of this film around all the other cast seem to gravitate to, perhaps because she's the only grown-up in this group. But kudos to the rest of the cast too, Adria Arjona as the life coach who keeps trying to read her breakup letter to Carey, editing it as she goes along is both funny and fantastically sexy! Her literal harem of discarded male lovers never seemed just comedic and helps to build a wonderful cast of secondary characters.

This is a good looking film, nicely shot and edited with a sequence of such expert skill in editing and blocking it deserves an Oscar in its own right. It's a 360 degree moving montage throughout Carey and Ashley's duplex apartment showing the passage of time where characters walk in an out of the shot as the camera moves  continues to travel, clothes are changed, new characters introduced and all seemingly shot in one take!

I haven't laughed this much at a modern comedy in an absolute age and it's great to see such an adult comedy that doesn't preach or try and teach lessons. I've never a fan of Judd Apatow's auteur, which is the nearest comparison, finding his films way too long and painfully unfunny. His characters are always super rich and their problems seem so far removed from anything approaching my own that I never engage with them, and there never seemed anything real about them or their problems. Whereas Splitsville is the exact opposite! Despite it also seeming to be populated by the super rich, this time round events and their actions change the status quo and their social standing making this feel far more real than the likes of This is 40, or this year's very unfunny and smug Is This Thing On?. Actually this feels much more like a Woody Allen film with added raunch.

A lot of times when a new comedy comes along you leave thinking that the trailer had been funnier, or shown the best parts. Not so this! The trailer perfectly hints at what's to come and for once doesn't give away the best bits. So, if you laughed or smiled at the trailer, chances are you're going to like this a lot!

See it while you can, it's a very funny and rude night out. For me, this is one of the best films of the year so far, and I think it might still be in the Top Ten come the end of it.

9/10

#31: THEY WILL KILL YOU

 

STARRING: Zazie Beetz, Myha'la, Paterson Joseph, Tom Felton, Heather Graham and Patricia Arquette. Written by Kirill Sokolov and Alex Litvak. Directed by Kirill Sokolov. Budget $20 million. Running time 94 minutes.

The start of a new franchise or a one-and-done, time and box office will tell. 

I'm finding this one hard to synopses, not because the plot is labyrinthian, but because I want to talk about it and the plot is almost secondary to the visual in this kinetic, frenzied, blood-soaked rampage pic of mayhem.

It's part of this horror genre, known as a 'Survival Thriller', which traditionally features a lone character, in modern times, usually a girl trapped in a house  hunted by an army of enemies which seemed have become a fan-favourite genre again thanks to 2009's Ready or Not, but which stretches right back to one of my favourite films, 1932's The Most Dangerous Game. Nowadays, the villains are usually satanic cults, which I suppose make these films supernatural, although in the memorable The Hunt (2020)  the enemy turned out to be super-rich liberals. ANYWAY, stop waffling, Leach what of this?

Well the story sees ex-convict Asia Reaves (Zarie Beetz) land a job as maid in The Virgil, a mysterious, exclusive high-rise apartment block in downtown New york. There she's greeted by Lilith Woodhouse (Patricia Arquette) the Irish superintendent and introduced to some of the inhabitants, a seemingly friendly woman called Sharon (Heather Graham) and a very friendly elderly couple. She meets the other maids, who all greet her cheerfully and then she's taken to her room, a lovely well appointed bedroom and off to bed she goes. Then in the middle of the night she's attacked by a group of hooded people who sneak into her room through a secret door with a view to killing her, and things go fucking apeshit when she fights back with an arsenal of weapons that she's smuggled in. You see, Asia isn't a simple maid, she's a ex-convict who's come looking for the little sister she's not seen in 10 years whom she knows is being held in The Virgil. However, it seems in The Virgil, you can't keep a bad man down, even when he's dead.  

This film takes the 10 minute plot rule literally and sure as shit, come that mark our Asia is ankle deep in blood and guts and she's off and running! Turns out The Virgil is controlled by Satan himself and the inhabitants are all immortal, but only if they pay the yearly blood debt to keep on living. From then on this is a mad paced, frenetic blood-soaked orgy of gore, violence and humour. We get cutaways to  the main characters each with their own title card and the back stories help set the scene. 

Image a film made by Quentin Tarantino and Sam Raimi, with its foot glued to the pedal, the camera work is fantastic, insane Raimi zooms and Tarantino sensibilities in the dialogue and attitudes, it starts out fantastically fast and funny. The humour feels very Raimi and a prolonged chase through and under the floors of the Virgil are hilarious, and gory beyond belief. 

If only this film could have kept the sheer energy of that opening attack it would be a stone cold classic 10/10, but alas it can't, and while it's insanely game, it all becomes a tad samey by the end. But boy, what an end, shame Ready or Not 2 covered similar material, but you know the old Hollywood rule. You wait decades for a devil worshipping cult of immortals who need a human sacrifice to continue living and two come along in the same week!

This wins thanks to a superbly game cast that includes Tom Felton, Paterson Joseph, Heather Graham, Patricia Arquette and the absolutely furious Zazie Beetz who totally rules as the 'final girl' heroine, boy can she kick, hack, slash and massacre like a bitch! There's also, some downright superb practical effects, seriously the final showdown with a pig headed demon is downright jaw dropping.  

This is a funny, gory and mercifully short, sad it's just a tad samey. 

7/10.

#30: READY OR NOT 2: HERE I COME

 

STARRING: Samara Weaving, Kathryn Newton, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shawn Hatosy, David Cronenberg and Elijah Wood. Written by Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy. Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. Budget $10 million. Running time 108 minutes.

Maybe I'm getting old, but I get a thrill from reading that a film is only 108 minutes long. Not only that, but I booked my ticket for the 18:00 performance, so I should be done and dusted by 20:00, so already this film's off to a good start, infact it might even get an extra point. Time will tell. 

It might have taken 7 years to get this sequel to the 2019 movie, Ready or Not out, but the events, in this second part of a planned trilogy, take place scant seconds after that first film had finished. And I went in expecting a whole different plot this time round, I mean how could the same shit happen to the same girl twice?

Ooh, that's now. 

The plot sees Grace MacCaullay (Samara Weaving) kidnapped from a hospital by the Danforth family, having survived a deadly hide-and-seek game between her and the combined might of her husband and her in-laws in their sprawling family mansion as part of a black magic ritual. However, this being a sequel her nightmare isn't over, no it's just beginning, again, as she's dragged to another mansion and forced to play hide-and-seek again, with a whole new group of rival elite families, but this time with her estranged sister, Faith (Kathryn Newton) in tow, who's been kidnapped as an incentive. It turns out if Grace wins this game she'll claim the Seat of Ultimate Power. And this is why wedding gift lists are so important. And so begins a brutal and very bloody fight for survival. 

The first John Wick film was a true lighting in a bottle movie, it was a brilliant action film made with no follow on or sequel in mind. However when John Wick 2 rolled into view it came bogged down by back story, lore and rules. The same can be said of Ready or Not 2: Here I Come, which is forced to expand on the whole devil worshipping schtick of the first film and run with it. There's now a very complicated set of rules that dictate what the family can do and woe-betide anyone who breaks the rules.

Despite being billed as a horror/action/comedy, this plays it very straight at least for the first two acts, although by the third it really just lets rip with the violence and gore. Cos, this is a very gory and bloody film, the deaths are gruesome and the physical damage meted out to the two female leads is at times painful to watch. Samara Weaving is a game girl who luckily shares the same ability to shrug off near fatal injuries with a smile and a winch as John Wick did. The heart of this film arrives in the interplay between the two sisters and as their back story is revealed.

The elite family hunting them are just tropes and types, although there's an amusing bylaw that dictates that a member of each family must hunt the girls, leading to multiple members of each family having to take up the axe, shotgun, knife or sniper rifle when one of their number fall. 

It's moderately funny and only really comes to life in the final act. Overall it's a savage little flick with a passion for violent, gory deaths and the final confrontation elevated it from a 6/10. It may not be rocket science, or brain surgery, but it was bloody entertaining and rather funny. If you liked the first one, you'll probably love this one.  

7/10