#57: DISCLOSURE DAY

 

STARRING: Emily Blunt, Josh O'Connor, Colin Firth, Eve Hewson, Colman Domingo, Wyatt Russell, Henry Lloyd-Hughes and Elizabeth Marvel. Screenplay by David Koepp. Music by John Williams. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Budget $115 million. Running time 145 minutes. 

Cybersecurity expert Daniel Kellner (Josh O'Connor) is on the run with his ex-nun girlfriend Jane Blankenship (Eve Hewson) from Wardex Corp's Noah Scanlon (Colin Firth) and his private army of storm troopers and tech team. It turns out that Daniel has stolen a vast cache of UFO data and is threatening to expose it. Meanwhile Kansas City TV weather girl, Margaret Fairchild (Emily Blunt) seems to be having a nervous breakdown, when live on TV she starts talking in guttural clicks and whistles, not only that but she can talk fluently in foreign languages she couldn't speak before and she can read minds too! Anyway, these two crazy kids are on the lame and being chased by Noah and his gang of corporate thugs and desperate to meet up with Hugo Wakefield (Colman Domingo) who used to work with Noah at Wardex, that is till he defected and set up a force to combat his old boss and expose the secrets of alien visitations. 

Now, against the backdrop of an impending World War, our two plucky heroes must dodge pursuit, meet up, unlock their shared childhood traumas and somehow find out what the ruddy hell is going on!

And such is the plot of Steven Spielbergs' 37th feature film. This was a gripping and exciting science fiction thriller that starts brilliantly well and very nearly scores a perfect 10/10, but sadly an odd moment late in the third act stymied it for me, although not enough to ruin this wonderfully exhilarating film. Emily Blunt is the 100% the film's MVP, she is mesmerising, engaging and simply superb in the role of the Weather girl coming to terms with mysterious powers. Similarly, lug-eared Josh, rumoured to be in contention for the coveted role of Bond (God, I hope he doesn't get it), also delivers in the acting dept, his role, which starts as the main focus of the film, but slowly gives way to Emily Blunt as her significance becomes apparent. Also special mention to Colin Firth for once playing a villain who brings a genuine sense of sinister intent to the role.

Beautifully directed by Spielberg, that man really knows how to stage action set-pieces and how to block dialogue heavy exposition scenes. John Williams soundtrack sounds fresh and easily melts into the background becoming almost unheard and yet at the same time increasing the emotional pull of the film. A true master class in soundtracks. The script by David Koepp, from a story by Spielberg,  keeps on upping the ante and building to an almost satisfactory ending, the only fly in the ointment being the sudden and almost total disappearance of the bad guys in the final reveal. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this, scratch that, I bloody loved it and for once the payoff was compelling and profound, it's a brave director and writer who have the guts to show-and-tell, and it's pleasing to report that it doesn't let you down. Indeed, those two hours and 25 minutes flew by like an Unexplained Arial Phenomenon.

9/10

  

#56: SCARY MOVIE 6

 

STARRING: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Anna Faris and Regina Hall, there are many more actors but I can't be arsed to name them. Shat out by Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Craig Wayans and Rick Alverez. Directed by Michael Tiddes. Budget $30 million. Running time 96 minutes. 

This was the first Scary Movie I have ever seen and it will be the last. A more shit-stain of a film I cannot remember seeing in a very long time. I smiled twice at two 'jokes' and emitted a single 'ha' at another third joke about the film Ballerina. It is lazy, badly written, badly acted, badly directed, this not Ballerina. Although if you find the use of the 'N' word hilarious then this will be the film for you. Similarly if you like references to horror films from nine years ago then rest assured you'll be laughing yourself horse at this one. Likewise, if you find knife crime funny then oh boy are you in for a treat, it's the weapon of choice for all of the killings in the film and watching people getting stabbed to death is always funny. God. How I laughed. 

Taking references from not just horror films but also from another Wayan comedy from 2004 White Chicks, the Wayan brothers leave no stone unturned in their desperate search for something, anything, funny and they fail spectacularly, in fact they should be ashamed of what they have produced. It is grubby, ugly, and so packed full of feces that you can actually smell the stench of its achievements, it has not one ounce of merit in its far too long 96 minute running time. Long gone now the joys of the Airplane! movies that heralded the birth of the spoof film, of which this is supposedly one. Likewise gone the skill of the jokes and writing of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker who knew how to make a spoof. This is ghastly, shouty, crass, sloppy, and utterly inept. It is one second sleazy, then unnecessarily crude, then stupid, then racist or at least reverse racist, then just shit, the jokes are all cheap and, to coin a word like Trump - shit. Actually, so shit is this piece of crap that it is nothing more than an actual visual interpretation of the Bristol Stool chart - which is a medical poster that, through the use of images shows the viewer all the different types of shit a human can produce. I wouldn't be surprised if that chart didn't get updated with the poster of this film added to the pantheon of shit types, so utterly fecal this is. 

There is nothing, not one thing good to say about this shitty, crappy, film. It is made by talentless cretins for cretins. It has nothing, not one iota, to recommend it. In fact I feel more stupid for having seen it.

This might well be the worst comedy film I have ever seen. It most certainly is the second worst film of the year, the first being Melania. A bigger bag of utter shite I cannot remember seeing, this not that, although it's a close run thing. However, my mother always said that if you have nothing good to say then say nothing. So, I'm going to end my review with one good note, one I hope will be used on the poster.

This is an actual visual interpretation of a putrid toilet bowl of overflowing excrement. 

1/10
 

#55: SAVAGE HOUSE

 

STARRING: Richard E. Grant, Claire Foy, Reginald Halifax, Dorothy Neville, Kila Lord Cassidy,  Richard McCabe, Vicki Pepperdine,  Pip Torrens and Miles Jupp. Written by Peter Glanz. Directed by Peter Glanz. Produced by Peter Glanz. Edited by Peter Glanz. Music by Peter Glanz. Oh, and also produced by Oliver Roskill, Mark Hopkins, Dylan Maranda and Phillip Thomas. Cinematography by Adriano Goldman. Running time 114 minutes. 

During a pox outbreak and Jacobite uprising, whatever that means, in 1715, hideous social climber, cheating gambler, drunk and unbridled fornicator, Sir Chauncey Savage (Richard E. Grant) and his titled wife, Lady Savage (Claire Foy) spend their days in decadent excess shagging their staff, and squandering what little remains of her family fortune. Chauncey, once a begger has somehow managed to claw his way into the aristocracy, mostly by marrying her and has no intention of going back, sadly they're down to peddling the last of her jewels and antiques trying to keep Savage House going. With creditors and swindled business men hammering at their door, the future of Savage House rests on a letter sent by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire inviting themselves to dinner, which sets in motion a relentless string of incidents that includes murder, duels, amputations, deception, embezzlement, gout, greed, shagging, mice and surgical procedures.

In a nutshell imagine Barry Lyndon crossed with Draftsman's Contract by way of The Favourite and you'd still be no closer to whatever this is. Saved entirely by the cast, lead by the peerless coupling of Grant and Foy, whose film this is, and featuring a game cast of plucky English actors who are well up for a laff. 

Sadly, despite all that this film is a mess, with an ending so clumsy, anti-climatic and mishandled that it actually harms the film and robs it of a solid 8/10. There's just far too many plot points left unanswered, and far too many questions. Plot points arrive and lead one to imagine the film is going in one direction only for that plot point to be dropped in favour of another, and another, and another. Important incidents are hinted at and when they arrive they do so with all the drama of a dropped balloon. The film tries hard to be the next Barry Lyndon, with its use of candle lit scenes, or the pretence of, that it makes most of this look like a murky sepia stained shadow. That coupled with a truly invasive soundtrack, also by Peter Glanz that consists of the overuse of a crescendo of screening strings that drowns out the dialogue and feel more at home in a horror film, it conveys a sense of terrible foreboding and horror that just doesn't exist in this film, and is so intrusive that it pulled me out of the film entirely each time it's used, and it's used a lot.

For a long portion of the running time of the film I was fully onboard and invested but after just one too many plot misdirects and the bad ending my patience just snapped. 

I think the main problem lies exclusively in the hands of Peter Glanz, who wrote, directed, produced and edited this, as well as provided the music. And all that does it make it feel like the only voice heard on this film was Glanz, you can't help but think that if only someone else was there to say 'no' to some of his ridiculous plot points it might have made for a vastly more superior movie. 

Because there's something fantastic in this film, it's Grant and Foy, I've not seen Grant act this well in ages, and whereas he could have just reused the portrayal of Withnail, he instead opts to create an entirely new and truly unique and deeply unpleasant character in Chauncey. Likewise Foy shows some simply brilliant comedic chops and shows us she's not just the Queen. Special mention too to Jack Farthing as Chauncey's scheming man-service and valet, Reginald Halifax and Bel Powley as Lady Savage's Lady in Waiting, Dorothy Neville, who both bring some great performances. 

The thing is I bet there was a far better film that was left on the cutting room floor, because the cast are having the time of their lives and the number of forementioned undeveloped plot points.

Ultimately this gets a 7/10, but could have so easily have scored an 8 or 9 if only it had been better structured. 

#54: OBSESSION

 

STARRING: Michael Johnston, Inde Navarrette, Cooper Tomlinson, Megan Lawless and Andy Richter. Written and directed by Curry Barker. Budget $750,000. Box office to date $167 million. Running time 109 minutes.

Hollywood is in turmoil, all it's big budget epic blockblusters are crashing and burning in spectacular failure or under-performance while two little trains that can, this one, Obsession and Backrooms over performance like it's going out of fashion! In the case of the later it made 8 times it's budget in its opening weekend, while the former has so far taken $167 million off of a $750,000 budget, and that's simply astounding! Now, I'm not a huge fan of horror films, although that said I saw Weapons and Sinners last year and three so-called horror films this year, so far - Send Help, Ready or Not 2 and They Will Kill You. So, perhaps I'm warming to them again. 

So, what's the plot, Doc? Baron 'Bear' Bailey (Michael Johnston) is a nervous, pathetic, grubby wimp of a man working as a shop assistant in a music shop alongside his best friend, Ian (Cooper Tomlinson), Ian's girlfriend Sarah Harper (Megan Lawless) and Nikki Freeman (Inde Navarrette) whom Bear has a deeply felt crush for. Despite practicing asking her out, Bear chickens out when push comes to shove and she tells him she's going to quit the store and go travelling.  In desperation, Bear buys a Make a Wish novelty gift from one of those crystal and hippy shops and wishes that Nikki loves him more than anyone else in the world. Astonishingly his wish comes true and Nikki becomes horrifically and terrifyingly in love with him and his life starts to come apart at the seams as Nikki's truly obsessive love for him impacts every aspect of his life leading to a shocking display of increasing violence, death and brutal, brutal murder and a kicker of a punchline.

Written and directed by first time movie director, Curry Barker, this is a superbly unsettling, scary and vicious little horror film that just keeps upping the anti and keeping us on tender hooks. Full credit has to go to Inde Navarrette as Nikki who is simply incredible in the role. Leaping between love obsessed and frighteningly psychotic, sometimes second by second she brings a fantastic level of obsession to the role and the film works purely because of her. Far less successful is Michael Johnson as the utterly pathetic Bear Bailey who's just an utter and total pathetic waste of space. His decisions control the film and everything that happens is because of him. It doesn't help that he's such a wimp and looks like an even more wimpy Billy Crudup, nor does his lank, greasy, limp-haired topped mop of hair that sits slumped on top of his pasty and permanently sweaty face. You feel for her and hope that he gets his just deserts. Well, I'm not going to tell you here what happens, but believe me it's a doozy!

Well direction, and featuring some good cinematography, and an unsettling soundtrack filled with uncomfortable noises and sounds this was a damn fine horror film, vastly more traditional than the other blockbuster horror film Backrooms, but nevertheless deeply entertaining, oh and bloody gory!

8/10 

#53: MASTERBATORS OF THE UNIVERSE

 

STARRING: Nicholas Galitzine, Camila Mendes, Alison Brie, James Purefoy, Morena Baccarin, Jared Leto. Kirsten Wig and Idris Elba. Story by Aaron Nee, Adam Nee, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch. Screenplay by Chris Butler, Aaron and Adam Nee and David Callaham. Directed by Travis Knight. Budget $200 million. Running time an absolutely bum-numbing 140 minutes long.

Welcome to the cinematic adventures of HE/HIM-MAN, the second film to try and launch a film franchise out of the squat, plastic-muscle-bound lug. The first made in 1987 starred Dolph Lundgren as the hero and Frank Langella as Skeletor, the big bad skull-faced villian. Sadly that one was no masterpiece and so it's disappointing to reveal this ain't that much better, although its production values are vastly superior. 

The plot, and I hate to use that word for a film as lazy as this, sees our plucky hero Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) as a kid growing up in Eternia, but after Skeletor (Jared Leto) arrives with his army and lays waste to everything he's sent to Earth, along with his sword, by his mother to hide out. There 15 years pass in the blink of an eye and he grows up to be a whizz at HR but with an obsession with swords and he has this silly habit of telling everyone he meets he's from another world. Anyway he puts an ad out for the sword that's gone missing, finds it and ends up back in Eternia where he sets about defeating Skeletor. 

That's the plot. Original and radical it's not. Slow, ponderous and dull it is. Not only does this He/Him-Man have to put up with everyone dissing and mocking him both on Earth and Eternia, he's also got an excruciating annoying girl boss, Teela (Camila Mendes) the adoptive daughter of Man-at-Arms, Duncan (Idris Elba) who bosses him round, mocks him, and generally denigrates him and her now alcoholic father, plus he's the classic Woke Princess eager to resolve every confrontation by talking out his feelings, trouble is in this world, all that gets you is punched repeatedly in the face. As is the way with these sorts of films, Adam finally gets the sword and speaks the immortal words - "I have the power" and is finally transformed at the midway mark and then proceeds to beat the living shit out of everyone until he's captured at the end of Act 2 and loses his power and sword leading to the final showdown with Skeletor and one last valuable life lesson learned. 

This film has a strong streak of irony and humour at its core and its tongue firmly wedged in its cheek, but sadly not enough to save it. Not knowing if this is for a new generation of kids or the parents of said kids, the film is far too violent for its own good and both villains and heroes, or innocent bystanders get brutally murdered for a vast majority of this film, people get stabbed to death, crushed, shot or blasted to atoms every few minutes and just because it's all bloodless and consequence free doesn't make it sit any better. 

Tonally it bounces from humour to torture and violence like a pingpong ball and it's uncomfortable. There's plenty of humour mostly aimed at mocking He/Him-Man and that pales quickly. Looking vastly better than Mandy Lorean Groin Goo this at least looks the part and makes a convincing alien planet. Trouble is most of it is a pixelated blur of excess. 

I was struck by just how violent this was and wouldn't have felt comfortable if my boy had seen this when he was 8, which you'd assume was the target audience. 

Plot wise this is a terrible film, there's a ridiculouos scene in the end of the second act that sees He/Him-Boy reconnecting with this father, whose been Skeletor's prisoner for 15 years. He's buried in an avalanche of debris following a fight between the hero and villian and for a good five minutes, He/Him-Man and his dying dad have a long chat while Skeletor just stands there doing absolutely nothing. And in the dying seconds of the film you suddenly realise that Skeletor has no gameplan, no arc and no reason for existing other than to prove something for He/Him-Man to beat to death in the final boss fight portion of the film.

Every now and then it raises a titter of laughter but it's a real shame this film didn't just embrace the notion of He-Man and just launch into a rollicking adventure without shoe-horning in a visit to Earth and a hero reduced to a touchy-feelie emotionally fragile woke princess. 

Plus it's bloody long, which doesn't help. Still the effects are good, the make up great, Jared Leto as Skeletor is terrific and because he's buried beneath all that make up you don't need to see his face, and naturally Idris Elba deserves so much better. 

5/10 

#52: BACKROOMS

STARRING: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Renate Reinsve, Mark Duplass, Fin Bennett and Lukita Maxwell. Written by Will Soodik. Music by Edo Van Breemen and Kane Parsons. Directed by Kane Parsons. Budget $10 million. Running time 110 minutes.

Kane Parsons was only 19 when he directed this feature film of his YouTube series Backrooms. I've never seen those so I don't know how much like this film they are. That said, if they're anything like this film, I'm going to watch them all. 

Hands down one of the best films of the year so far. Deeply unsettling, deeply deeply unsettling. It's like sliding a needle under the skin in the top of your hand and gradually loosening the skin, this gnaws at you and grates, it uncomfortable and deeply chilling, the music niggles, the look and the feel scratch at your psyche and the overall feel is that of a 1970s horror film directed by David Cronenberg, or Romero. It has that visual feel. It feels small, personal and everso slightly amateurish, but that's not meant as an insult. God, no, far from it. it's a compliment. 

The story sees wannabe failed architect and newly divorced furniture shop owner, Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor) seeking help from therapist Dr. Mary Kine (Renate reinsve) for his depression, while said therapist struggles with her traumatic childhood as the daughter of a mentally disturbed agoraphobic mother. With his furniture shop failing and at his wits end, Clark makes an unusual discovery in the basement of his shop of a portal to secret mysterious underground complex of rooms, corridors and doors he calls 'the Backrooms', which are populated by hideously deformed beings and unsettling vistas of half buried furniture or bad 5th generation copies of people and objects. Meanwhile a private corporate is attempting to map the changing geography of the said underground complex but keep losing operatives to something that haunts the endless rooms and corridors. 

Nothing can quite prepare you for this bizarre and fantastically creepy film and I wouldn't dare try to explain more than what I have, it's far better you go in blind to see this. You'll thank me after. There are things you'll see in this that will stay with you and haunt your dreams. The film a mixture of found footage interspersed and standard film as both Clark and Mary share the lead focus, first we follow Clark and he makes his startling discovery and begins to explore with two young members of his staff, and then picks up with Mary when Clark suddenly vanishes one day after he tells her of his discovery and she goes to explore the shop.

The visual style of a look of this film is superb and really feels like those for-mentioned 1970s horror maestros, which coupled with the ever presence sound of faint machinery or whispered voices or uncomfortable music all combine to make this a fantastically compelling and scary horror film that relies on a overwhelming building of dread over gore or jump cuts. I found myself sitting with a fixed grin desperately trying to work out what the heck was going on. 

In the end, the film just about nails its landing, but leaves you, as you'd expect from a film like this, with more questions than answers, but that's not a bad thing in this case. This like Exit 8 another film about liminal spaces, is all about the journey. I doubt that as good as Kane Parsons is that he has any idea at to what is behind all the weirdness in Backrooms that would satisfy us all, but regardless what he shows us is more than enough. You'll leave hoping for a sequel but you know if they do they'll end up creating an unwieldy backstory or pouring on too much lore, or fluffing the landing like Lost. As it is this ends with a final shot that is both compelling and very creepy. 

See it on the big screen, if you dare.

9/10

#51: THE STAR SNORES: MANDY LOREAN'S GROIN GOO

Before we get to the film review part of this blog, here's a quick joke.

WHAT'S GREEN AND GOES RED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON?

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BABY YODA IN A BLENDER. 

And now to the film review section of this blog. 

STARRING: Pedro Pascal, Jeremy Allen White Brendan Wayne, Lateef Crowder and Sigourney Weaver. Written by Jon Favreau, Dave Filoni and Noah Kloor. Directed by Jon Favreau. Budget $165 million. Running time 132 minutes. 

Right, hands down this is without doubt the best Star Wars film of the last seven year. Admittedly by that reckoning it's also the worst, but it's still an achievement. But before we start rip into this, the 12th live action film set in the Star Wars universe, David, could you tell us the plot. Why of course dear reader nothing would give me more pleasure. 

Set in a galaxy far far away, a long time ago, and in the 30 year timeline gap between the original and best Star Wars trilogy and divisive sequel trilogy roars this sequel to the three series TV show, The Mandy Lorean. in that, the titular hero, a tin potted bounty hunter called Darjeeling (Pedro Pascal) rescues a cousin of Sooty and Sweep called Baby Yoda from some baddies and spends the next 24 episodes doing stuff in a Star Wars sort of way, zapping things, killing Storm Troopers and monsters, and whizzing around in a space ship, while dropping fan-baiting references to the canon. There was supposed to be a fourth series but Disney just sort of gave up and told Favreau to make a film instead, it was either this or a sequel to Chef, and not even Favreau wanted that! So, in time honoured fashion he sort of took two episodes and wedged them it to 2 hours and 12 minutes!

We find Darjeeling and Baby Yoda on the lamb, so to speak, as they travel their part of the galaxy hunting ex-Imperial Commanders and executing them and their largely depleted army of Stormtroopers. Mandy has a deck of cards featuring the 52 worst enemies of peace and harmony - the New Republic, and they're hunted down to either be waterboarded or just pain executed without trial. See, they're so much nicer than the old Empire. ANYWAY, Mandy looking for one such Imperial officer and accepts a job given to him by Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) on behalf of Jabba the Hutt's Niece and Nephew. They want Mandy to find Jabba's son, who we're told has been kidnapped and if he does then they'll give him the location of an ex-Imperial commander hiding out in the rim (painful). So, Mandy gets told of the mission by Ripley on another planet then flies to the Hutt's planet before travelling to the planet Hutt Jnr has been kidnapped to. So much time could have been saved if Ripley had just told Mandy to travel to that planet, but then director for hire, Jon Favreau would have to had filled the 20 minutes that all took with yet more mindless and tedious action. ANYWAY. So, Mandy travels to the planet where the kidnapped Jabba Jr has been kidnapped to, finds him instantly, discovers that Jabb Jr is quite happy there, fighting in an arena for money, and not kidnapped. So, Mandy KIDNAPS him anyway and starts to fly him back to the other Hutts, even though they're going to kill Hutt Jr. That is until Jabba Jr tells Mandy that man he seeks is Jabba's old boss back on that planet. So, Mandy goes back kidnaps the Imperial officer and flies him back to Ripley, who's pissed at Mandy because he didn't take Hutt Jr back to the Hutts, even though they'd have killed him. So then Mandy gets kidnapped by the Hutts and discovers they themselves have also kidnapped Hutt Jr. So, then Mandy and Groin Goo go absolutely ape shit and kill absolutely everyone, plain out murderise everybody they can find, women, children, animals, old age pensioners, simply everybody who works for, or knows the Hutts. They even hunt down the Hutts old nextdoor neighbours and kill them, because they once sent the Hutts Christmas Cards. Look, it's a fricking blood bath. Then, in the nick of time, after everyone is dead, Ripley returns and puts on a re-enactment of the end of Star Wars: A New Hope at the head of a fleet of X-Wing fighters which literally blows the utter crap out of the Hutt's castle. Then they all land and together with Mandy and Groin Goo, they all traipse through the swamp and double tap any survivors until everyone connected with the Hutt's operation is dead. Then they take off again and salt the land from air, thereby making sure that nothing will grow there ever again. Finally they take take turns doing huge shits from orbit that fall like meteorites, just like in Return of the Jedi and  and everyone laughs. Mandy high-fives Groin Goo and pats him on the head for being a good pet and the film comes to a merciful end. Actually, Mandy really treats Baby Yoda like a pet, telling him to 'sit', 'stay' and refusing him treats, odd wait to treat your adoptive son, but maybe things are different in the Mandy child-rearing world.

Oh, sorry Spoiler alert. 

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, this was dull and bland, not shit, but not very exciting. It's all so generic. And it's all so very brown and dull. There's no other-wordly wonder. Plus, a large portion takes place at night or in the dark, so much of it looks like any seedy rain-soaked, neon-lit parts of Stoke-on-Trent that it all feels so low key, and bog standard, oh and bleak and miserable. The original Star Wars looked and felt exciting and different and a long way from home. Turns out it's just an hour out of Manchester. The action never lets up, it's relentless, repetitive and by the numbers, it also passes for a plot, which this film doesn't have. Monsters appear to get killed every few minutes. That said, the flying  effects are extremely impressive, particularly the inside cockpit flying bits. But the rest of it just looks so ordinary. The trouble is with the sheer amount of Star Wars I.P. out there to be consumed none of this looks special anymore. Somehow the power that be behind the scene have succeeded in making Star Wars appear very ordinary and generic. 

Also, I object to any motion picture that demands I do homework before I watch it. There are characters and situations that I did not understand because i've not watched the Mandy Lorean TV show since the first season. I've not watched any of the TV shows. For me Star Wars was always a cinematic experience. TV just dilutes it. And this film is a good example. It's not one story it's two episodes tacked together. The first episode actually ends and then the second part begins. 

And don't get me started on the plot holes, like the use of AT ATs on steep mountain roads, or the other glaring inaccuracies. Life's too short and this film doesn't deserve that much attention.  

There is one single saving grace and it's pure fan service, but not film fan service. Back in the day, there used to be a brilliant arcade Star Wars cabinet where you got to fly an X-Wing and destroy the Death Star, it was truly glorious and I held the highscore in my local pub. What's nice is that when the re-enactment of the destruction of the Death Star from the first, and best, Star Wars film: A New Hope happens in this bland generic mess of a flick, they use the exact same vector graphics on their targeting systems. That one head nod gives this film an extra point. 

If this is what we get after a seven year hiatus then I think that Disney would be well advised to pack it all in and put it to rest for at least 10 years, then try again  with something entirely new and, dare I say, 'original'. And maybe ditch the TV shows which have robbed Star Wars of its awe, wonder and splendor. 

Dull, lazy and sadly lacklustre. 5/10

#50: TOP GUN

 

STARRING: Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Meg Ryan and Michael Ironside. Written by Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Directed by Tony Scott. Produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. Budget $15 million. Running time 109 minutes. Originally released in May 1986. Box office haul $362.3 million!

The second greatest pilot in the whole United States goddam Navy, Lietenant Pete 'MAVERICK' Mitchell (Tom Cruise) and his radar intercept officer Lieutenant Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw (Anthony Edwards) are sent to TOP GUN flight academy as punishment for saving the life of another pilot when said pilot gets a dose of the colly wobbles while attempting to land on an aircraft carrier. As soon as MAVERICK lands at the UNITED STATES NAVY FIGHTER WEAPONS SCHOOL at the Naval Air Station Miramar in San Diego, Californian, he's sweatily locking horns with fellow pilots with call signs like ICE MAN (Val Kilmer), who's actually the best of the best of the best fighter pilot, as well as characters like Slider, Merlin, Sundown, Viper, Jester, Stinger, Wolfman and Hollywood, all of whom are massive, chiselled beefcake, who unlike the former Duke of York, sweat buckets all of the time, even when just having a nice cup of tea and a slice of Battenberg. Anyway, MAVERICK is a hothead who can't help but show off his skills as the second best pilot in the whole world. The testosterone drips from the screen as the muscle-bound MAVERICK and his wingman Goose take part in a series of mock dogfights with the absolute legend that is Michael Ironside's RICK 'JESTER' HEATHERLY Top Gun's best of the best Top Gun instructor under the ever watchful eyes of MIKE 'VIPER' METCALF (Tom Skerritt), Top Gun's Commanding officer and instructor, who just so happened to have flown and fought along side MAVERICK's dead dad during the Vietnam War. Then to set these young men's hearts a flutter (well, one young man) in minces Charlotte Blackwood (Kelly McGillis) whose call sign is 'Charlie' to fall in love with MAVERICK. In the third act, a training mission goes bad, Goose dies, MAVERICK blames himself, quits Top Gun, rejoins, goes on a live mission as the second best pilot in the Navy and saves the life of the best, ICE MAN, shots down four jets with a pea shooter (true!) and everyone loves him. And that's it for the plot. 

Actually the plot matters not one jote to this blockbuster mega hit which made an astonishing $362 million off of a $15 million budget. It was produced by two of the greatest names in Hollywood Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer who deserve a film in their own right, the stories of their excesses and exploits are legendary. And directed by the brother of Ridley Scott, Tony Scott who was a fascinating good director in his own right and had a real flair for these sorts of hi-octane action flicks and he directs this brilliantly. 

Shot through a sepia filter, this is an exhilarating, throbbing, and ridiculous romp. The airplane stuff is superb, the soundtrack is all banger and brilliantly synched with the action, which never lets up. Ultimately this is a 109 minute music/recruitment video for the U.S. Navy which gave an unprecedented amount of access to it's fleet and aircraft. The film is only ever three minutes away from a scene where these rugged men are topless having clipped conversations in changing rooms and showers, or playing beach volleyball, dripping with water or sweat, and so close do these hench, buff, young men get to each other, you can't work out if they're going to punch each other or kiss passionately. Then, inbetween all the staggering homo-erotica we have these men thrusting their way through the air in billion-dollar fighter planes, sweating and grunting their way through mock dog fights before we get to the real stuff, in the final act, when these boys finally get to unleash red-tipped rockets at a group of black-leather clad Russian fighter boys in mirrored sunglasses, which burst in glorious spurts of flame and smoke, as fingers grip joysticks and triggers get flicked. It really is one of the gayest films I've ever seen. It's insanely pro-America, it's a love letter to the US Navy and in response, the Navy set up recruitment booths in some American cinemas and claimed that recruitment went up 500%, although that was a bit of a fib, and they later admitted that enlistment rose by 8%.

I wasn't a huge fan of this when it first blasted onto our screens back in 1986, it was too gung-ho, too jingoistic, too butch, but time has been kind to it and now you can watch it with a rye smile, enjoying the ridiculous chaste homo-erotic charge, the pumping soundtrack and the amazing arial footage and special effects, although TOP GUN: MAVERICK, the belated 2022 sequel did it all so much better with some utterly thrilling actual inflight footage. 

This was throbbing, fun, popcorn flick, as empty and tasty as candy floss but stupidly entertaining at the same time. It's great to see it again on the big screen, and easily worth a brief 109 minutes of your life. 

 7/10.

#49: THE SHEEP DETECTIVE

 

STARRING: Hugh Jackman, Nicholas Braun, Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Patrick Stewart, Bella Ramsey, Brett Goldstein, Hong Chau and Emma Thompson. Written by Craig Mazin. Based on Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann. Directed by Kyle Balda. Budget $75 million. Running time 109 minutes.

The plot sees a group of sheep set out to solve the murder of their shepherd George Hardy (Hugh Jackman). It's a classic murder mystery, with a cast of likely suspects, all with motives, and if you're eagle-eyed and listen carefully you should be able to solve the murder, I did and it was fun! Anyway, when said shepherd dies, the sheep lead by the brainiest, Lily (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Mopple (Chris O'Dowd) and Sebastian (Bryan Cranston) set out to solve the murder. However, this being a live-action movie and set in the 'real world-ish', the Sheep are really sheep and constrained by sheep logic and rules, they can't talk to humans, can't operate machinery or do things a real sheep couldn't. Indeed the rules of the sheep world are very well laid out and work really well, the film makes sure never to break the rules to advance the plot and I was very moved by their lore and knowledge. The large cast of sheep are voiced by the likes of Patrick Stewart, Brett Goldstein, Chris O'Dowd, Regina Hall, Bella Ramsey and Rhys Darby. While in the human camp we get Nicholas Braun and Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon, Hong Chau, Tosin Cole, Kobna Hodbrook-Smith, Conleth Hill, Mandeep Dhillon and Emma Thompson, who has it in her contract that she must appear in every wacky British film made. Actually watching her in this, she plays Lydia Harbottle a lawyer handling George Hardy's estate, I was struck the notion of another The Devil Wear Prada film where Thompson plays a rival fashion diva, perhaps the editor of a British fashion mag to rival Runway, I haven't worked out the plot yet, but I can already see Thompson and Streep duking it out. 

ANYWAY, what of this film, Leach you idiot?

Well, I won't lie. This, for me anyway was a very mixed bag. This starts off well with George and his flock, it's established he doesn't herd the sheep for meat, just their wool, and he loves his flock deeply, although not carnally, which is a blessing for him and us both. He tends them, nurses them and even reads to them every night at bedtime, mostly crime detective fiction, which is why the sheep set off to solve his murder. This part of the film I loved, a sheer delight, the animation is superb, the characterisation, the voices the looks of the varied breeds of sheep all worked wonderfully. But then the film takes us to the fictional village of Denbrook and my heart sank like the Bismarck. It was a dreadful faux Americanised version of an English village filled with horrible anachronistic details, like great big American trucks, farmers wearing baseball caps, neon signs that hung from every shop including the police station! The uniforms of said policeman, the insanely diverse ethnic mix of the small village that you could easily play Ethnic Bingo with as you tick off all the groups represented here. The representation of the bungling loveable English cove, from dim-witted cop to brutish butcher to angry publican. In fact, if it'd been set in London, I guarantee you'll have had fog bound cobbled streets and a Bobby blowing his whistle. 

All this put my teeth on edge and lost me, it all felt like so desperate trying to be all inclusive to everybody and every age to the detriment of the audience and I found myself hating it, deeply. It was sickingly twee and sweet, the human characters were all panto villains or jolly scallywags, and yet through it all the dogged determination of the sheep and their world to get justice for the beloved murdered shepherd won me over. The way the handled things beyond their realm of understanding, like tarmac was fantastic, their own religion which explained where clouds come from was simply magical and it's because of those four-legged walking roast dinners that I was finally won over and found myself, quite against my intention liking it greatly. I was most satisfied by the solving of the crime and the truth behind the revelations of each of the suspects, the film worked wonderfully as a who-dunnit and as a charming talking animal film. Imagine this existing in the same universe as Babe. 

You'll come for the lamb shank in the Beaujolais reduced Jus and stay for the very satisfying conclusion. 

8/10

#48: TUNER

 

STARRING: Leo Woodall, Havan Rose Liu, Lior Raz, Tovah Feldshuh, Jean Reno and Dustin Hoffman. Written by Daniel Roher and Robert Ramsey. Directed by Daniel Roher. Running time 107 minutes.

Piano tuner, Niki White (Leo Woodall) a once gifted piano prodigy who gave up his dreams when he was struck down by chronic hearing condition which makes him acutely susceptible to loud noises is forced to raise $66 thousand dollars when his 'Uncle' and boss, Harry Horowitz (Dustin Hoffman) suffers a stroke and ends up in hospital. Niki pursues a secondary career as a safe cracker for Uri (Lior Raz) a security specialist who puts safes into rich people's houses then robs them blind. Niki's sideline in criminality goes well until he meets and falls in love with virtuoso Ruthie (Havana Rose Liu), but then goes all Pete Tong when a safe cracking job goes wrong and a man gets killed leaving Niki desperate to find a way out of the criminal life he's embraced.

A well built crime caper pic with a unique take, featuring a man who slips into criminality accidentally to initially help those around him, but then becomes trapped. As the stakes rise, Niki realises he's in too deep and frantically tries to find an out, but at what cost?

Not much more to add, this was a satisfying and entertaining crime caper flick with a good cast and a lead, Leo Woodall, who easily holds his own against the likes of Dustin Hoffman and Jean Reno. The music is lovely and the cinematography matches beautifully. This would have easily scored a 9/10 if it hadn't left so much up in the air. That said, the plot which twists and turns ends with a bitter sweet note and a great final line. 

Satisfying and enjoyable. 8/10

#47: MORTAL KOMBAT II

 

STARRING: Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Ludi Lin, Mehcad Brooks, Tati Gabrielle, Lewis Tan, Damon Herriman, Chin Han, Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada. Written by Jeremy Slater. Directed by Simon McQuoid. Budget $80 million. Running time 116 minutes long that you'll never get back. 

Apparently, this is a sequel to 2021's Mortal Kombat and the fourth film in the Mortal Kombat 'film series', which first began with 1995's Mortal Kombat. Added to that five animated films too. It's based on a video game, which I used to play back in the day showing just how old it is and it's not Street Fighter, which is out later this year. This one is the one where someone says 'FLAWLESS VICTORY' and a defeated opponent could get his spine ripped out. In the new film Karl Urban's Johnny Cage - a movie star and five-time karate champion is press-ganged into fighting to save the Earth realm from a Darth Vader clone armed with a massive hammer called Shao Kahn (the man not the hammer, I don't know what the hammer was called. Probably Hammy McHammer) in an interdimensional fight tournament called Mortal Kombat.  

That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle. 

I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before. 

Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent. 

2/10  

#46: A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

 

STARRING: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, Frances O'Connor, Sam Robards, Brendan Gleeson, Jack Thomas and William Hurt. Based on Supertoys Last All Summer Long by Brian Aldiss. Screenplay by Steven Spielberg. Budget $100 million. Running time 146 minutes. Originally released in 2001. Worldwide box office takings $235.9 million. 

Originally conceived as a Stanley Kubrick film, Spielberg took it on after Kubrick's death. The plot sees horrifically cute poppet android, David (Haley Joel Osment) given to grieving parents, Monica and Henry Swinton (Frances O'Connor and Sam Robards) while their son, Martin (Jake Thomas) lies in a medically induced coma until a cure arrives for whatever it is that ails him, David is a new type of synthetic android, designed to look like a small boy. He is programmed to imprint on his human and to love them unconditionally and he does with his 'mother' Monica. However, when her real son is brought out of his coma and his medical condition cured, David becomes surplus to requirements and so-called loving mother takes David and his robot teddybear off into the woods and dumps him there. David is obsessed by the story of Pinocchio and convinced if he can find the Blue Fairy he'll be transformed into a real boy and Monica will love him again. So, off he goes on a quest with Gigolo Joe, an android sex worker (Jude Law) to find the Blue Fairy. Much hilarity ensues as the unlikely trio of chums fall foul of the Flesh Fair, get arrested by cops, and confront his own creator, in David's case, all before an aquatic date with destiny with the Blue Fairy in the sunken city of New York. Then it's just a 2000 year plot jump and a bunch of sentient robots digging up David to torment him one last time before switching him off for ever. 

By god this is a creepy, unsettling film, and by far Spielberg's most nihilistic and bleak, it's clear he's channeling Kubrick for all he's worth and as a result the film is striped of any sign of joy or happiness. From the word go when we're introduced to this sunken world of post-apocalyptic misery we know we're in for a rough ride, it's a world of haves and have-nots, and neither side is happy about it. Haley Joel Osment was a remarkable child actor and he's expected to carry the expectations of the film squarely on his young shoulders and he does so brilliantly, it's just a shame David is such a shitty character, he might be a robot child, but the one thing you come away thinking about him, is how much a bloody good slap back of his head by with massive metal rod would help him. He's insanely needy, his desperate desire to be loved boarded on the psychotic and for a long portion of this film you just find yourself wishing him ill. Luckily Jude Law is on hand to grab the little scrot by the hand and drag him through the smaltz and towards an uncertain date with destiny courtesy of his dad, William Hurt and a bunch of highly advanced calculators who seem to spend their days digging up old robotic tech, revising them and then tormenting them just one more time. It's a fun game and I admire their vindictiveness, cos that little shit, David, bloody deserves it. Needy little fucker.

This looks good, but is very bleak, relentless, grim and depressing. There's no happy ending, despite what Spielberg might say about it. Visually it looks good and the effects are mostly practical or matte based, oddly enough no sign of the wretched CGI and actual A.I effects that have come to so blight modern cinema. Despite this being lower tier Spielberg it's still bloody well made and impressively mounted. 

It's a shame we never got to see Kubrick's version of this, he was one of the greatest film directors ever and I love his films. that said, Spielberg ain't no slouch in the direction department either, so if it had to be someone picking up the reins, I'm glad it's him and not someone else. 

Anywho, it's been 25 years since I last saw this, and I'll happily wait another 25 before I have to see it again, so in all probability, this is the last time I'll ever see it again. 

7/10
  

#45: HIGHLANDER

 

STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Roxanne Hart, Clancy Brown and sean Connery. Story by Gregory Widen. Screenplay by Gregory Widen, Peter Bellwood and Larry Ferguson. Directed by Russell Mulcahy. Cinematography by Gerry Fisher. Music by Michael Kamen with incidental music by Queen. Budget $19 million. Running time 111 minutes. Box office $13 million. Originally released in 1986.

A bonafide boxoffice bomb when it was first released grossing less than $13 million during it's cinematic run and yet going on to spawn not one but two direct sequels, 1991's Highlander II: The Quickening and 1994's Highlander III: The Sorcerer aka  The Final Dimension. Two film sequels based on the TV show - 2000's Highlander: Endgame and 2007's Highlander: The Source. And a 2007 anime movie Highlander: The Search for Vengeance, which is the only Highlander property to have garnered positive reviews. Not bad for a film that on its release received a 24% Rotten Tomato score. 

Time has been kind to Highlander and no mistake. There's something about the idea that resonates with people, hence the desperate attempts to recapture the lighting-in-a-bottle with terrible remakes, reboots and sequels. And yet that first film is so raw, so pumped and so goddam satisfying, well apart from the plot-hole riddled script that it's almost impossible to hate. Opening with the sight of the Cannon Logo, which gave me a nice warm glow, and I eased into it, my brain reminding me seconds before what was about to happen. I'd forgotten the superb scene transitions and in particular that fish tank to Loc cut. It's such a child of its times and Russell Mulcany directs with a real verve and authority,  bringing tricks and skills from his bringing days directing music videos and it really pays off, this is an action film that feels and looks fresh and dynamic.

This film is best when we see McConnor's journey through the centuries and is at it's most uninteresting when it's just grumpy of Christopher Lambert acting like a petulant school boy and rucking with Kurgan (Clancy Brown). The plot cleverly cuts back and forth in time for 14th Century Scotty land through to WWII and the present, or past as it is now, revealing McConnor's back story, which truly comes alive with the arrival of Sean Connery, a Scottish man playing a 2000 year old Spanish Egyptian, who just steals the whole film lock stock and barrel, well him and Clancy Brown, having the literal time of his life as the utterly insane immortal Kurgan. Special mention must be made of the cinematography by Gerry Fisher which is beautiful, capturing the majesty of the Highlands perfectly.

This is a magnificent rambunctious romp, just don't delve too deeply into details, because it's there where it comes apart. Just strap yourself in and marvel at what was achieved with a relatively low budget, for a short time Russell Mulcahy was a director of some skill and he produced some great films, this, The Shadow, Razorback  and Richocet, and not forgetting the legendary Derek and Clive Get the Horn (one of my favourite films). This, well it's not perfect, but it's bloody good fun and it has a rough and ready feel about it that makes it hard to hate. It moves at a furious lick, it never lets up, it's never boring, it's just that it all becomes a bit too silly.  

To watch this again 40 years after it was first released was an absolute treat, up on the big screen I was swept up in it all and loved every second, and the music all in all, it was a kinda magic. 

8/10

#44: THE DEVIL WEAR PRADA 2

 

STARRING: Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, Justin Theroux,  Stanley Tucci, Tibor Feldman, B.J. Novak, Lucy Liu, Lady Gaga, oh and Kenneth Branagh, who had two violin trainers to help him with his part. Written by Aline Brosh McKenna. Directed by David Frankel. Budget $100 million. Running time 119 minutes. 

It's been 20 years since the first The Devil Wears Prada outing when snooty wannabe journo, Andi (Anne Hathaway) got an internship at the fictitious fashion magazine, Runaway under the tyrannical editorship of its matriarch Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep). Andi learned that to fit in and climb to the top of the talent tree she would have to abandon her dreams of being a real journalist, ditch her truly horrible, needy egotistic friends, her deeply selfish boyfriend, and her principles, don the highly fashionable and fabulous couture and baubles of the very people she used to look down her really long nose at and despise and become one of them herself. The last time we saw her she was swanning down 5th Avenue in some truly gaudy hi-end fashion combo, as smug as the cat what got the cream and imagining she was truly 'it' having secured the job of her dreams, writing obits for a New York newspaper.  

Well, how has the past 20 treated her? Have they been kind? Is she now the editor-in-chief of the New York Times? Or maybe features editor of The New Yorker? No, she's just been made redundant by email and she's back on the streets looking for a job. Well, don't worry Andi, I'm sure in this cinematic 21st Century things are still absolutely fabulous at Runway, they're bound to welcome you back with open arms, even if you did destroy a valuable piece of their tech, and steal a shit-load of very expensive branded items of clothing. Well actually things are pretty crap at Runway, Miranda's just written an article seemingly endorsing child labour, she's forced to mind her manners when dealing with the younglings who populate her staff and she has to cowtow to chairman of the board Irv Ravitz (Tibor Feldman). Anyway, when Irv dies before promoting her to head of everything global, she finds herself locking horns with Irv's son, Jay (B.J. Novak) and having to deal with Emily (Emily Blunt) who's now an executive at Dior and dating super-rich tech nerd Benji (Justin Theroux). Into this complicated world minces Andi to take on the role of Features Editor and save the day.

The plot twists and turns with betrayals, backstabbings and reveals galore and will leave you giddy, taking no prisoners and refusing to slow down even one iota David Frankel directs this as if he has a taxi waiting. Scenes scream by like supercars on the Autobahn, there's no let up, no moments of relaxation, in fact it feels more like he's edited out key scenes to keep the running time down. One minute we're in Manhattan, the next Milan, then Newark, it's like using the 10 second jump feature on Netflix. It's one of those films were we, the audience, are just witnesses to the proceedings, while all the other characters know exactly what's going on but refuse to share any of it with us. Plot points are quickly introduced then just quickly dumped. For example, at one point Andi borrows a fabulous dress for a party at Miranda's house and is ordered by Nigel to return it immaculately. Naturally Andi, who should have stuck a napkin in her collar, spills  a single spot of sauce on it and she sneaks into the house to desperately try and clean it. She does. And that's it.  

Anyway, the returning cast who don't seem to have aged a day all seem to be enjoying this second bite of this cherry immensely and who can blame them, wearing fabulous clothing, jetting off round the world and generally acting like kids in a playground. Streep is just superb in this, Miranda is a brilliant character and I found myself thinking it would be great to see how she and Tucci clawed their way to the top, for once their origin story would be worth watching. Tucci positively revels in the role of Nigel dispensing much needed levity and context, he's the nicest thing in this by a country mile. Indeed, you need him to cut through the festering darkness that is Miranda. Of them all, I was most delighted to find that Emily Blunt's Emily is the one character who's had the best time since the first film, from Miranda's tortured personal assistant to Senior Executive at Dior, you go, girlfriend!

Anyway, the script by Aline Brosh McKenna who also returns for this belated sequel is witty and entertaining even if the world it portrays is a fake as a three dollar bill. Anyone who's ever worked in publishing will find themselves laughing at the utter anachronisms on display, there's not a magazine alive today that could be this extravagant. This outing isn't as nasty as its predecessor, and Miranda has clearly mellowed, but watching her manipulate and control the narrative is actually rather enjoyable, she becomes its main focus, which is a very good thing, firstly cos Streep is such a joy to behold and secondly her character is the most interesting. Luckily the film doesn't try to make her a good person, she's still as ruthless and scheming and yet this time we're allowed to see the purpose behind it all and her justification. Sadly though the same can't be said of Andi who's still too wholesomely cute and plucky for my tastes. 

The audience I saw this with was predominantly female and laughed and whispered throughout it all, and as such I predict this will clean up at the boxoffice. I realised near that end that this film does something I've not seen before, or at least don't think I've seen, it shows women in a professional setting just doing their jobs and not relying on any prince charming to save them or explain things, but also none of that is at the expense of the male characters, who are all portrayed as supportive while not being emasculated, they're not the villains here, in fact it felt as if both were being treated as equals. It makes a change to watch a film made up of a mostly female cast in a film that doesn't involve mistaken identities, Sydney Sweeny, murders or lust.

Overall this is a good looking, but vacuous flick that just about stays this side of too long and just about manages to deliver an entertaining and amusing romp, even if most the characters are back stabbing scum and the world they inhabit well beyond the realms of reality. 

7/10 

#43: THE CHRISTOPHERS

 

STARRING: Ian McKellen, Michaela Coel, Jessica Gunning. Cameo James Corden. Written by Ed Solomon. Music by David Holmes. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Running time 100 minutes. 

The plot sees the elderly, reclusive and deeply eccentric painter, Julian Sklar (Ian McKellen) hire an art assistant, Lori Butler (Michaela Coel) on the behest of his two estranged children, Sallie (Jessica Gunning) and Barnaby (James Corden). Although unbeknown to Julian, Lori is a plant sent in by the two scheming adult children to find hidden in Julian's town-house six unfinished paintings called The Christophers. It turns out that Julian painted them of his lover back in the 1990s as part of the third series of paintings, of which they were never completed. Lori, a painter herself, has been hired by the children to find the paintings, finish them off and hide them in the house so that on Julian's death they can be discovered and sold for a fortune.  

Together these two bicker and argue and slowly re-ignite each other's passions for art and work out a scheme to torpedo the sibling's plans and secrets are revealled and past transgressions exposed to powerful effect. 

Much of this film is carried by McKellen who has by far the most dialogue, often delivered, or so it seems, in long takes with Michaela witnessing from the sidelines before delivering a 'yes', or 'no', or even a 'hmmhmm.' She is a commanding actress and easily holds her own, but her role is also the main focus of the film, she bridges the dreadful siblings and their father and provides the narrative push. Soderbergh is a master at delivering precise and relatively short films, he has an ability to cut out the flab and produce lean, mean films that never feel hurried yet do their job in an hour and a half or so. 

It's funny going into this I had no idea it was a Steven Soderbergh film, and it's only once the credits rolled that I realised the truth and it made total sense, this as a real quality of his, and reminded me tonally of his excellent spy movie of last year, 'Black Bag'. He really does have an excellent eye for direction and performances and both leads are exceptionally good in their roles. Similarly the art direction and locations are wonderful. And Julian's London town houses truly convince as the sprawling home of a one famous artist and his life time of hoarding artistic junk. 

The interplay between both Coel and McKellen is the absolute key to the success of this film and this proved to be a most satisfying and entertaining exploration of the creative process. 

A great soundtrack by frequent collaborator David Holmes is a welcome addition, and in this he produces another perfectly in tune soundtrack, that bloke is really da bomb at banging chunes. Overall this was a deeply satisfying and engrossing film and worth a gander. And best of all the odious James Cordon doesn't stay on the screen long enough to poison the whole thing. He's clearly at his best in short, cameo style roles that don't outstay their welcome.  

8/10  

#42: FIGHT CLUB

 

STARRING:   Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf Aday and Jared Leto. Screenplay by Jim Uhis. Based on the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Music by The Dust Brothers. Cinematography by Jeff Cronenweth. Directed by David Fincher. Budget $65 million. Running time 139 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

Our narrator, a lonely, un-named, insomnia-suffering insurance investigator (Edward Norton), befriends a soap sales man and radical urban revolutionary called Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) on a domestic flight and the two men become friends and form and underground boxing club called Fight Club. As Tyler encourages our narrator to embrace his masculinity and identity and abandon his capitalistic ideals, the two men become inseparable until the arrival of Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter), an nihilistic, chain-smoking, suicide in waiting, young woman who brings raw passion, sex and bizarrely love into the mix, causing a schism between the two men, made worse when our narrator discovers that Tyler is planning an act of financial anarchy that will literally cause the collapse of capitalism. 

OMG! What an absolute blast! What an utterly unhinged, manic, relentless roar! What an extraordinary experience! What an exhilarating rambunctious romp! What a brilliant black as tar comedy! And what astonishing performances, none of the cast, from Meat Loaf to Norton, to Bonham Carter to Pitt have ever been better! Brad Pitt then the sexiest man in the whole goddam universe! is an utter revelation, his Tyler Durden is an incredible character, and Norton the straight man of the duo brings a well-needed reality to the proceedings. Fincher directs this with absolute control, it's a film with sure a raw centre that it needs a director like him to manage it and I can't imagine any other director being able to land this beast any better than he does! But he's not alone, the cinematography, which despite being filmed mostly at night is never lost in the murky, inky blackness, the sound track by The Dust Brothers is so raw it positively pulsates through your chest. And the choice of music is note perfect. 

This starts off fantastically well, the black humour drips from the screen and the raw energy propels the film perfectly and for the first hour this is note perfect, it sadly begins to slow when Project Mayhem raises it's head and while the film is still fantastically good, it loses its focus as Durden's grand scheme begins to take centre stage. By now everybody in the world must know the 'twist', so I don't feel bad about talking about it here. 

HOWEVER. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE (WHAT THE HELL) THEN BE CAUTIOUS THIS BIT CONTAINS A MAJOR SPOILER. 

The revelation that the Narrator and Durden are the same man is a brilliant reveal. I can't remember if I knew this going in, but the clues are there if you're paying attention and there's a lovely moment when Marla suddenly realises the truth which is beautiful to behold. The three leads, Norton, Pitt and Bonham-Carter are such good actors and to see the three of them deliver such superb performances is a joy to behold. 

Bloody loved this, it does dip, a tad, but not enough to cost it, because this is such an unique cinematic experience, a delight to see it again on the big screen. It's a film that deserves to be writ large, it's radical, raw and revolutionary. 

A cinematic masterpiece.

10/10 

#41: EXIT 8

 

STARRING: Kazunari Ninomiya, Yamato Kochi, Naur Asanuma, Kotone Hanase and Nana Komastsu. Based on the video game The Exit 8 by Kotake Create. Screenplay by Kentaro Hirase and Genki Kawamura. Directed by Genki Kawamura. Running time 95 minutes. 

The plot sees a nameless bloke known only as The Lost Man on his morning commute on a packed tube train. He witnesses an angry commuter absolutely lose his rag over a screaming baby and its mother and does nothing to help. Then his ex-girlfriend calls to him him she's pregnant and asks him what he wants to do, it's clear that he's not ready to be a daddy and tells her he's on his way to the hospital to meet her and gets off the train. That's when things go all Twilight Zone and The Lost Man finds him self trapped in a Möbius loop of white tiled tunnels and given a set of instructions to find his way to Exit 8, he is on Exit 0. He is told to look for anomalies and when he finds one to turn back, otherwise to keep going. This he does and meets a series of other people, the Walking Man, a Young Woman and a Small Boy. Along the way he either makes the right choice and moves on to the next level, or gets it wrong and goes back to zero, all the while confronting his shortcomings and accepting the responsibilities of potential parenthood. And that's about it for the Möbius loop plot. It ends with The Lost Man back on his morning commute with the screaming baby, but how will it end?

This is not a horror film, do not be fooled by the trailer, and it's not a bad thing either. This is a film that makes you think, you play along with The Lost Man, learning the rules of this game and you become engaged with the frightened young man as he accepts responsibility and the prospects of becoming a father and all that entails. 

It's well made, the set is brilliant and it's different in style look, feel and acting. It's also mercifully brief at only 95 mintues long. I gotta say I guessed what was going on and it didn't bother me. Satisfying. Nothing more, nothing less, except the horror film the trailer and advertising screamed it was. 

8/10

#40: MICHAEL

 

STARRING: Jaafar Jackson, Nia Long, Laura Harrier, Juliano Krue Valdi, Miles Teller and Colman Domingo. Written by John Logan. Directed by Antoine Fuqua. Budget $170 million. Running time 127 minutes.

I gotta say I was kinda worried that the new Michael Jackson bio-pic, Michael would gloss over the child abuse allegations, so it's good to see they're tackling it right off the bat with the film poster.

And so to the film. It's 1967 and domestic bully and patriarch, Joseph Jackson (Colman Domingo), a steel worker forces his five sons to form a band he calls the Jackson 5, just think if there'd only been three of them, then pop history would probably know them as the Jackson Trio, which doesn't quite have the same ring, unless he'd launched his own chocolate covered biscuit bar, but I imagine he'd have been sued by United Biscuits who made the Trio bar if he did. Anyway, he didn't and they didn't and so we're left with this, the sanitised, glamourised, homogenised, Hollywoodised telling of the Pedo-Prince of Pop's life story, glossing over any impropriety or uncomfortable truth with a thick veneer of adulation, idol-worship and undying love. Structured like a 21st Century version of 1954 Glenn Miller Story, this is the classic sugary-sweet, warts and all (minus the warts), rags-to-riches story of little MJ, the PPoP from wide-eyed adorable pop poppet to 'on the verge of universal acclaim' in 1988, just short of all those completely innocent multi-million dollar payouts Micky (as he loved to be called) made to a whole slew of children for no apparent reason, apparently, and most certainly not because he liked to share his bed with them, no siree. ANYHOO, back to the plot. Bad Dad Jackson beats the band into shape, literally, they're signed by Motown, they have sell-out concerts across the US, shift a literal shit-tonne of albums and become megastars. Then Michael gets his nose fixed, visits kids in hospital, decides to eradicate gang violence with music and inspirational dance, invents the moonwalk, makes a zombie video, then gets blown up in a Pepsi ad, which is why all cans of Pepsi carry a 'Highly Flammable' warning (check it out if you don't believe me), and then Mikey does one more performance with his fam before finally setting off solo to make his fortune, build a creepy one-man fun fair and zoo and goes all Howard Hughes.

The trouble is this film is just the sugar coating, according to it, there's nothing to tarnish Jackson, or at least nothing worth noting and it's galling. I'm sure that if you're a fan of MJ then this film will be a masterpiece, a stunning celebration to him and his legacy but for the rest of us not blinded by his godhead, what of us?  

Well for me going in I thought that with the exception of Thriller, I wasn't a fan of his work and was pleasantly surprised to discover that actually I liked quite a lot of it, well the Jackson 5 stuff anyway, the pure Jackson stuff leaves me cold, a bit like this film did. It's well directed by Antoine Fuqua whose Equalizer trilogy I very much liked, and the performances are good, particularly Domingo and Jaafar Jackson, but there was no real depth to the proceedings, this is all surface, with the odd glimpse of something more, and it all feels a lot like a light paddle rather than a deep dive. I found the section with the young Michael Jackson by far the most interesting and entertaining but got a little bored by the adult Michael and his slow rise to the top, which plays like a 1950s biopic. Even his near death experience while making the Pepsi commercial feels inconsequential and the vague mention of painkillers that would come to rue his life is done in the same casual manner. Finally when from his hospital bed he declares his divine vision for the future I kinda lost my patience with it all. According to this, he was a veritable innocent, unblemish, possessing a mind utterly unsullied by a single thought of S. E. X. What a fucking saint. 

Ultimately, this is a music video compilation of his greatest hits. And while nowhere near as good A Complete Unknown, or as joyous as Bohemian Rhapsody, it's still far more enjoyable than Rocket Man. But regardless, this is just a whitewash, so to speak, a flimflan, a cleverly constructed con, a massive masterful act of misdirection, and if you're a diehard fan of Michael Jackson you'll love this, your icon is untarnished, he gleams as brightly as ever, while the rest of us will wonder what all the fuss was about and asking where's all the warts? 

This gets a 4/10 for the Jackson 5 era part of the film, the rest of it left a sour taste, it must be all the white paint. 

FOOTNOTE.

If Elvis was the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and Madonna was the Queen of Pop, then surely Michael Jackson should have been known as the Duke of York of Pop?