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STARRING: Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Ludi Lin, Mehcad Brooks, Tati Gabrielle, Lewis Tan, Damon Herriman, Chin Han, Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada. Written by Jeremy Slater. Directed by Simon McQuoid. Budget $80 million. Running time 116 minutes long that you'll never get back.
Apparently, this is a sequel to 2021's Mortal Kombat and the fourth film in the Mortal Kombat 'film series', which first began with 1995's Mortal Kombat. Added to that five animated films too. It's based on a video game, which I used to play back in the day showing just how old it is and it's not Street Fighter, which is out later this year. This one is the one where someone says 'FLAWLESS VICTORY' and a defeated opponent could get his spine ripped out. In the new film Karl Urban's Johnny Cage - a movie star and five-time karate champion is press-ganged into fighting to save the Earth realm from a Darth Vader clone armed with a massive hammer called Shao Kahn (the man not the hammer, I don't know what the hammer was called. Probably Hammy McHammer) in an interdimensional fight tournament called Mortal Kombat.
That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle.
I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before.
Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent.
2/10
That's about it for the plot, I think, I really don't know, I couldn't keep up, and could only remember one of the characters - Johnny Storm, sorry Nick Cage, sorry, Johnny Cage who's a washed up kung fu actor. The heroes are all cut from heroic cloth while the baddies are all stitched together from villain fabric, so they cheat, are super strong and invincible, until the final big boss battle.
I can't be arsed with this. It's too long, it's loud and it's not as funny as I was lead to believe by early word of mouth and trailers. Karl Urban isn't the star he's just one a of rotating list of characters, but he's the most relatable, since he doesn't shoot fireballs out of his arse. But cos he's human and press-ganged he has to be beaten up a lot until he learns that he's worthy, or there's a hero in us all, or something. I don't know, I sort of lost interest, it's one of those films where your mind wanders as you think about whether you need to stop up in Morrisons afterwards to pick something up for dinner. Then your mind returns to the murky sepia-soaked screen filled with digital backgrounds and actors or CGI models hitting each other or stabbing them through the spine, gut, chest, face, or arse hole for nigh-on two fucking hours of your miserable life. Dialogue isn't spoken, but memes and catchphrases are with all the rapidity of a machine gun. It's a great film to play dialogue bingo with, but even that loses its appeal after a while when you realise it doesn't have an original bone in it's stinking corpse of a plot. Even the fights are boring, and dull and done a million times before.
Just dull, bland, boring and utterly unmemorable. Karl Urban, the biggest name here, is truly just going through the motions and like the rest of the cast can be seen counting each step of a fight scene, although Urban also seems to be counting his salary and wondering if it isn't time to fire his agent.
2/10
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