#51: THE STAR SNORES MANDY LOREAN AND GROIN GOO

Before we get to the film review part of this blog, here's a quick joke.

WHAT'S GREEN AND GOES RED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON?

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BABY YODA IN A BLENDER. 

And now to the film review section of this blog. 

STARRING: Pedro Pascal, Jeremy Allen White Brendan Wayne, Lateef Crowder and Sigourney Weaver. Written by Jon Favreau, Dave Filoni and Noah Kloor. Directed by Jon Favreau. Budget $165 million. Running time 132 minutes. 

Right, hands down this is without doubt the best Star Wars film of the last seven year. Admittedly by that reckoning it's also the worst, but it's still an achievement. But before we start rip into this, the 12th live action film set in the Star Wars universe, David, could you tell us the plot. Why of course dear reader nothing would give me more pleasure. 

Set in a galaxy far far away, a long time ago, and in the 30 year timeline gap between the original and best Star Wars trilogy and divisive sequel trilogy roars this sequel to the three series TV show, The Mandy Lorean. in that, the titular hero, a tin potted bounty hunter called Darjeeling (Pedro Pascal) rescues a cousin of Sooty and Sweep called Baby Yoda from some baddies and spends the next 24 episodes doing stuff in a Star Wars sort of way, zapping things, killing Storm Troopers and monsters, and whizzing around in a space ship, while dropping fan-baiting references to the canon. There was supposed to be a fourth series but Disney just sort of gave up and told Favreau to make a film instead, it was either this or a sequel to Chef, and not even Favreau wanted that! So, in time honoured fashion he sort of took one episodes and stretched it to 2 hours and 12 minutes!

We find Darjeeling and Baby Yoda on the lamb, so to speak, as they travel their part of the galaxy hunting ex-Imperial Commanders and executing them and their largely depleted army of Stormtroopers. Mandy has a deck of cards featuring the 52 worst enemies of peace and harmony - the New Republic, and they're hunted down to either be waterboarded or just pain executed without trial. See, they're so much nicer than the old Empire. ANYWAY, Mandy looking for one such Imperial officer and accepts a job given to him by Warrant Officer Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) on behalf of Jabba the Hutt's Niece and Nephew. They want Mandy to find Jabba's son, who we're told has been kidnapped and if he does then they'll give him the location of an ex-Imperial commander hiding out in the rim (painful). So, Mandy gets told of the mission by Ripley on another planet then flies to the Hutt's planet before travelling to the planet Hutt Jnr has been kidnapped to. So much time could have been saved if Ripley had just told Mandy to travel to that planet, but then director for hire, Jon Favreau would have to had filled the 20 minutes that all took with yet more mindless and tedious action. ANYWAY. So, Mandy travels to the planet where the kidnapped Jabba Jr has been kidnapped to, finds him instantly, discovers that Jabb Jr is quite happy there, fighting in an arena for money, and not kidnapped. So, Mandy KIDNAPS him anyway and starts to fly him back to the other Hutts, even though they're going to kill Hutt Jr. That is until Jabba Jr tells Mandy that man he seeks is Jabba's old boss back on that planet. So, Mandy goes back kidnaps the Imperial officer and flies him back to Ripley, who's pissed at Mandy because he didn't take Hutt Jr back to the Hutts, even though they'd have killed him. So then Mandy gets kidnapped by the Hutts and discovers they themselves have also kidnapped Hutt Jr. So, then Mandy and Groin Goo go absolutely ape shit and kill absolutely everyone, plain out murderise everybody they can find, women, children, animals, old age pensioners, simply everybody who works for, or knows the Hutts. They even hunt down the Hutts old nextdoor neighbours and kill them, because they once sent the Hutts Christmas Cards. Look, it's a fricking blood bath. Then, in the nick of time, after everyone is dead, Ripley returns and puts on a re-enactment of the end of Star Wars: A New Hope at the head of a fleet of X-Wing fighters which literally blow the utter crap out of the Hutt's castle. Then they all land and together with Mandy and Groin Goo, they all traipse through the swamp and double tap any survivors until everyone connected with the Hutt's operation is dead. Then they take off again and salt the land from air, thereby making sure that nothing will grow there ever again. Finally they take off again and each take turns doing a huge shit from orbit that fall like comets and everyone laughs. Mandy high-fives Groin Goo and pats him on the head for being a good pet and the film comes to a merciful end. 

Oh, sorry Spoiler alert. 

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, this was dull and bland, not shit, but not very exciting. It's all so generic. And it's all so very brown and dull. A large portion takes place at night or in the dark, so much of it looks like any seedy part of town on Earth and it all feels so low key, and bog standard. The action never lets up, it's relentless, repetitive and by the numbers. Monsters appear get killed every few minutes. The effects are extremely impressive, particularly the inside cockpit flying bits, and it all looks so ordinary. The trouble is with the sheer amount of Star Wars I.P. out there to be consumed none of this looks special anymore. Somehow the power that be behind the scene have succeeded in making Star Wars appear very ordinary and generic. 

Also, I object to any motion picture that demands I do homework before I watch it. There are characters and situations that I did not understand because i've not watched the Mandy Lorean TV show since the first season. I've not watched any of the TV shows. For me Star Wars was always a cinematic experience. TV just dilutes it. And this film is a good example. It's not one story it's two episodes tacked together. The first episode actually ends and then the second part begins. 

There is one single saving grace and it's pure fan service, but not film fan service. Back in the day, there used to be a brilliant arcade Star Wars cabinet where you got to fly an X-Wing and destroy the Death Star, it was truly glorious and I held the highscore in my local pub. What's nice is that when the re-enactment of the destruction of the Death Star from the first, and best, Star Wars film: A New Hope happens in this bland generic mess of a flick, they use the exact same vector graphics on their targeting systems. That one head nod gives this film an extra point. 

If this is what we get after a seven year hiatus then I think that Disney would be well advised to pack it all in and put it to rest and try again in ten years with something new. 

Dull, lazy and sadly lacklustre. 5/10