#62: MEGAPOOPISS

STARRING: Adam Driver, Nathalie Emmanuel, Giancarlo Esposito, Aubrey Plaza, Shia LaBeouf, Jon Voight, Laurence Fishburne, Kathryn Hunter, Dustin Hoffman and Jason Schwartzman. Written, produced and directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Budget $120 million. Running time 138 years.

Set in the American Republic of New Rome City (imagine an alternative to New York City but with people who act like Romans from a 1950's Hollywood Roman Sword and Sandal adventure). Adam Driver is Cesar Catilina, an architect, with the ability to stop time, who has visions of building Utopia in the slums of New York using a new substance called Megalon, which seems to be an organic self-replicating 'smart' cement. He's in open conflict with Mayor Franklyn Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito), who wants to build a casino on the very same site as Cesar's dream city, Oh, and Cesar's in love with Franklyn's daughter, Julia (Nathalie Emmanuel). Meanwhile, Cesar's ex-girlfriend Wow Platinum (Aubrey Plaza) has her eyes on Cesar's uber-rich uncle and banker, Hamilton Crassus III (Jon Voight), and teams up with Clodio Pulcher (Shia LaBeouf), Cesar's jealous cousin to try and take over Crassus's bank in an attempt to bankrupt Cesar. Along for the ride are characters like Nush Berman (Dustin Hoffman), Aram Kazanjian (Balthazar Getty), Fundi Romaine (Laurence Fishburne), Cesar's right-hand man and narrator of this film, Jason Schwartzman, Talia Shire (Cesar's mother), and about a hundred other people.

And that, in a nutshell is the plot to this, Francis Ford Coppola's 24th and quite possibly last ever film and what a film to end a career on, a career that includes some of the greatest movies ever made, movies like The Godfather I, II & III, The Conversation, Apocalypse Now. The Outsiders, Rumblefish, Tucker and Bram Stoker's Dracula. 

Of which none of those, rest assured, will ever been mentioned in the same breathe as this effort. From beginning to end this is a dreadful, dreary, dull mess of a film, with strangely stilted awkward dialogue, OTT acting and all the visual flair of a car advert. 

The combination of old Rome and later day New York is an interesting idea, but jars badly here, it doesn't go far enough, because there's just too much story and way too many characters to cram into this bloated drivel. The lame, almost pantomime-esque machinations and palace intrigue that passes for drama is laughable and it's all delivered in such an OTT manner by everyone involved that it just becomes a clumsy farce. 

Added to that the editing which chops up dialogue so badly that at times it seems unclear what emotions some of the characters are trying to convey, as the scene changes during exchanges. Oh and some not very subtle digs at a certain Presidential hopeful.

The idea of a visionary new building material and building Utopia is an intriguing premise but this film takes so long with guff about boring relationships with wives, ex-wives and girlfriends, dead wives, mothers, cousins, uncles etc that all that gets forgotten until the final 30 odd minutes finally drags itself into view then it's a slow walk to the finishing line. 

All that said, there is one intriguing idea which is hinted at but poorly devloped. At one point Cesar is almost killed in an assassination attempt and Megalon is used to fill the hole in his head the bullet made. But that's all but forgotten come the next scene. 

There are so many great actors in this, all giving it 150% when 80% would have been fine that it seems churlish to single out any single one of them to point a finger of blame at, although Shia LaBeouf comes pretty goddam close. However, the true architect of this film's utter awfulness is Coppola himself, who sank $120 million of his own money into this effort, which has taken him 40 years to realise. God, imagine spending all that money and so much of your life on one project only for it to arrive at the end like a huge pile of steaming dung.

A long, boring, exploration of something or other that's really not worth a moment of your time and certainly not 40 years of your life. 

2/10 

 

#61: STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

 

STARRING: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness, Peter Cushing, Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels, and that bloke you always see at comic conventions who played third storm trooper from the left. Written and directed by George Lucas, produced by Gary Kurtz, music by John Williams. Budget $11 million. Running time 121 minutes.

Set in a galaxy far, far away, a long time ago. This sees a snot-nosed kid run away from his home with a strange old man, get involved with a drug smuggler, snog his sister and kill tens of thousands of people just so he can win a Jim'll Fix it Badge.

It's the film that changed the shape of cinema for all-time, created a whole new genre, spawned a million knockoffs, and birthed the modern era of special effects. After this cinema would never be the same again. Indeed, it must be considered to be one of the most significant movie ever made. During its life I've both loved and hated it in equal measure. Obviously I'll never get to watch the original un-tinkered version on the big screen again but the last time I saw this, the digital remastered version, was back in 1997. 

So, how does it far...  

What a delight, simple, well structured and charming. Sure it's slow in comparison to modern films and it's a tad clunky in the plot department, but boy is it special. Trying to remember what it was like first seeing it, and how original it seemed back then. Even with the wretched added CGI extras, which have dated very badly, indeed they've dated worse than the original analogue effects this is still a delight to rewatch. Shame Georgie Boy couldn't leave it alone. That said, boy was this print crisp, you could see every blemish, every bit of sticky back plastic and just how crappy Darth Vader's helmet is. 

It's great to see this on the big screen again and to see the likes of Peter Cushing and Alex Guinness acting, what a shame they didn't share a scene. The first arrival of Vader is amazing and what a delight to match the actors line-for-line with the dialogue. The structure is terrific as each of the main characters are introduced, there's a sense of the vastness of the galaxy these people inhabit, but it's also funny to rewatch all those plot holes that he'd have to navigate around in the later instalments. Visually, Star Wars is deeply impressive, big practical sets, or a well done matte painting and little twinkling lights, the hanger and interiors of the Death Star with the Millennium Falcon are amazing. Likewise, clever use of locations hark back to the good old days of the Republic Serials while working to create the notion of alien planets. It's little wonder the world lost its collective mind over it. I can still remember my stunned mind as I staggered out of the Northfields Odeon after watching this for the first time. I lined up with the back of the queue to see it again and watched it three times in its first week of release. Tiny mind. Blown.

All in all, this was great fun, a delight to see it again and roll on the next two Sundays and Empire followed by Jedi. 

9/10

#60: THE SUBSTANCE

STARRING: Demi Moore, Margaret Qualley and Dennis Quaid. Written, produced and directed by Coralie Fargeat. Budget $17.5 million. Running time 140 minutes.

On her 50th birthday, Elisabeth Sparkle the star of a TV fitness show is fired by the odious head of the TV studio, Harvey (Dennis Quaid) because she's too old, and ugly. Reeling from the shock, Elisabeth is hospitalised following a car accident and given a USB stick with an advert for something called The Substance, which offers her the chance for rebirth.

She takes the bait, and the drug is sent to her. Following an agonising delivery, through her spine, she gives birth to a younger, more beautiful version of herself, she transfers her essence into the new body and names herself Sue. The rules for The Substance are as simple to follow as those issued to the owners of a Mogwai. Elisabeth can only occupy the body of Sue for one week before returning to her own body for a subsequent week. It's that simple. Each week Sue must extract spinal fluid from the body of Elisabeth which she injects on a daily basis. Elisabeth/Sue is warned constantly that the two of them are one and not to forget it, or to take advantage of the week on week off rule.

Sue auditions as her own replacement for the fitness show and gets the gig becoming the next big thing and is loved and lauded by all. The trouble is, that one week just quite enough and Sue starts to push the limits leading to horrendous results.

This is a remarkable horror film, gory beyond belief, like a hardcore David Cronenberg film crossed with David Lynch with a healthy dose of Stanley Kubrick for good measure, think of it as a female-centric version of The Fly no less and you'd be in the same ballpark. The gore, for the most part achieved by practical effects are staggering, gross doesn't even begin to cover it, you'll see things you've never seen before, and the final act is an almost non-stop orgy of blood and gore which just keeps growing in outrageousness until a brilliant ending that perfectly bookends the film. 

Demi Moore is extraordinary, delivering a performance that is powerful and fantastically raw, similarly, Margaret Qualley gives it her all as the beautiful younger version of herself, rounding off the cast is Dennis Quaid who delivers a performance so OTT it fits in perfectly with the rest of this extraordinary movie, bringing a level of sleaziness worthy of Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein combined. 

All of the male characters in this film are terrible, from the creepy horny next-door neighbour to the casting directors, to the assorted heads of various companies. The film has a strange detached feel and the look of a 1970s Cronenberg movie, the actors perform as if in a Lynch film and the styling reminds you of Kubrick.
Mixing a fantastic dose of humour into the horror is a brilliant move, and although this in no way could be considered a comedy, it still has some extremely funny black-humour. This film is French director Coralie Fargeat's second film and (rightly) won her the Best Screenplay award at the 2024 Cannes Film Festival.

Ultimately this film is about the fear of getting older and the contempt that society has for anyone who dares to get old, especially women, an idea that underlines my own work with Psycho Gran and I found myself enchanted, delighted and enthralled by this fantastic film. I loved every single gore soaked second and marvelled at the bravery of both Moore and Qualley and their performances. 

An astonishing film that cannot be described and needs to be seen to be believed, just be warned it's the gorest film I've seen in absolute decades. 

10/10 

#56: BETWEEN THE TEMPLES

Starring: Jason Schwartzman, Carol Kane, Caroline Aaron, Robert Smigel, Madeline Weinstein, Matthew Shear and Dolly de Leon. Written by C. Mason Wells and Nathan Silver. Directed by Nathan Silver. Running time 111 minutes.

Just like The Holdover, this is another film channeling a feel of the 1970s, of the sorts of films made by Hal Ashby, Robert Altman and Arthur Hiller.

Jason Schwartzman is Ben Gottlieb, a cantor, suffering a severe crisis of faith following the accidental death of his wife that's left him unable to sing. He's moved back in with his two mums, Meira and Judith and seems to spends his days (or nights) getting into drunken fights in bars and making half-hearted attempts to kill himself. Then into his life walks Carla (Carol Kane), a retired music teacher who's decided to complete her bar mitzvah and so begins a relationship that rekindles his faith and sort of grows into something that might be romantic. On the other hand, it might also be the moment Ben's mental breakdown happens. 

The chemistry between Schwartzman's Ben and Kane's Carla is what makes this film zing, it feels so organic and natural and as their friendship becomes something more (or does it), the strains it puts on their own respective families gives the film its humour and heart. The film explores grief, romance and faith from a Jewish perspective and yet feels inclusive. Schwartzman is always good, but it's hard to reconcile this 40 year-old man with the young man of Rushmore. Plus he looks so much like Steve Carell that it becomes jarring. That said, Carol Kane is a delight, funny, relaxed and scintillating, and they're both natural comedians. He feels like his generations Alan Arkin and her Madeline Khan.

The story might be slight and but the journey it takes us on is at turns cringey, funny, touching but always entertaining. 

Overall, a satisfying and entertaining comedy about grief, love and life. 8/10

#58: THE CRITIC

 

STARRING Ian McKellen, Gemma Arterton, Mark Strong, Ben Barnes, Alfred Enoch, Romola Garai and Lesley Manville. Written by Patrick Marber, based on Curtain Call by Anthony Quinn. Directed by Anand Tucker. Running time 101 minutes.

It's London in 1934, how do we know it's London, well it's that ruddy fog which fills every scene of this movie that sort of gives it away. Sadly, London of the middle 30s consists of just three vaguely old buildings, one old outside toilet and a park, hence the need for fog.

Anyway, in the world of the critic of the 1930s, none stride as tall as Jimmy Erskine (Ian McKellen) the theatre critic for The Daily Chronicle, he's spiteful, wilful, well into his 70s and secretly gay, living with his live-in lover and personal secretary, Tom Turner (Alfred Enoch). Erskin's been spewing his bile in print for the past 30 odd years and his voice is beginning to lose his lustre, especially for the paper's new publisher, and owner, Viscount David Brooke (Mark Strong) who has taken over the paper following the death of his father. And whereas his father delighted in Erskine's ruthless, vitriolic, and caustic reviews, most of which is aimed at actress Nina Land (Gemma Arterton), young Brooke isn't as partial.

Brooke asks Erskine to tone down his biting reviews in an aid to boost readerships and promptly starts sacking the old guard. Knowing his card is marked, Erskine throws caution to the wind and following a drunken gay orgy gets arrested by the police for lewd behaviour. When news of his arrest reaches the ears of Brooke, Erskine is fired and desperate, he embarks on a blackmail plot to save his career. When he discovers that Brooke is infatuated with the target of his hate filled reviews, actress Nina Land (Gemma Artrton), Erskine hatches a plan to blackmail the publisher which ultimately leads to murder, suicide and ruin.

This is Ian McKellen's film - lock, stock and barrel and boy do we know it, from the second he arrives till the moment he leaves he owns this film, and while the likes of Mark Strong, Gemma Arterton, and the criminally underused Lesley Manville, give it their all in the acting department they are but 40 watt bulbs to McKellen's 200,000 Lumens performance. That's not to say he overacts, he doesn't, it's just he's so magnetic he absorbs all attention like a blackhole.

As usual, it's good to see a film with a story not hamstrung by robots, superheroes, CGI effects and bombastic special effects. What a change to see an adult story told by good actors. Sadly though, this is all surface and lacks any sense of deeper intrigue or duplicity, it's all writ large on the screen. The film hints at the risks of Erskine and Enoch's forbidden love, or lust, but it's dealt with all too quickly. Similarly, Erskine's sinister blackmail plot, while offering a clever idea feels all too pat and too quick in its resolution. What's lacking is a deeper dive in the psyche of Erskine, it would have been far more interesting to see the collapse of the man, or witness more of his Machavalian manipulations of those people about him to achieve his goal. 

He's an unpleasant character and yet you feel he needed to be more repellent, more desperate to hold onto his lifestyle, more willing to do anything to hold on to what he had. Instead we just get a quick character study and a plan that unreels too quickly leaving the whole thing to feel undercooked.

And while McKellen is great, the whole film fails to truly engage, it all feels a little too surface, with no real depth. 

7/10   

#57: BEETLEJUICE BETTLEJUICE

 

STARRING: Michael Keaton, Wynona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara, Jenna Ortega, Justin Theroux, Monica Bellucci, Willem Dafoe. Story by Alfred Gough, Miles Millar and Seth Grahame-Smith. Screenplay by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. Based on characters created by Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson. Music by Danny Elfman. Directed by Tim Burton. Budget $100 million. Running time 104 minutes. 

Arriving a mere 36 years after the original, this much longed for sequel reunites most of the original cast and several new ones for one more go on the Beetlejuice merry-go-round. Directed by a creatively spent director and surviving purely on the goodwill generated by its lead actor, this is a film with none of the wit of the original, or scintilla of its charm, a film which crams four subplots into its running time to create an experience that defies physics by seeming to last longer than the gap between the first and second movie. 

The plot finds an adult Lydia Deetz (Wynona Ryder), a pill-popping burn-out who hosts a popular TV show called Ghost House, she's being aggressively dated and perused by her manager Rory (Justin Theroux) who wants to marry her for her money. Lydia is also estranged from her daughter, Astrid (Jenna Ortega), who hates her mother for not being able to see the ghost of her dead father who died mysteriously while traveling through the Amazon rainforest. When Lydia discovers her father has been killed and eaten by a shark she returns to the family home to be with her stepmother Delia Deetz (Catherine O'Hara), now a successful modern artist. Meanwhile, Astird, a deeply depressed schoolgirl comes home for the funeral and meets a local boy and the two form a relationship. Meanwhile in the afterlife, Beetlejuice who is now the boss of the newly deceased division is still trying to get it on with Lydia, and Willem Dafoe as Wolf Jackson - a ghost detective is trying to capture Monica Bellucci's Delores, Beetlejuice's ex-wife, she's somehow back for revenge after Beetlejuice dismembered her with an axe.

The film is an unholy mess, with tonnes of backstory and subplots constantly bogging it down, for large portions of this film major characters disappear while the rest of the film slowly trundles on boringly and without any true spark or excitement. And while this film isn't the complete cluster fuck that Boredlands was, it's not far off. 

The middle portion of the film sees all these various plot points play out in slow succession but without any involvement or excitement that is until the final act finally rolls slowly into play.

Utilising the possession scene from the first film as its template, the third act set in the local church, gathers all the cast together for a rendition of Richard Harris's sublime McArthur Park hit. It's this sequence that saves the film from being a total crushing disappointment but alas despite being the absolute high-light of the entire film, it's sadly far too little far too too late. 

The cast, every man-jack of them, give it their all, trying their damndest to make this whole sorry mess work, but they're just not given any help from the bloated script, or tired direction. Burton uses the same camera tricks endlessly, as he flies his camera over the town again and again, zooming in on the Deetz house, or the model of the house, not once, not twice, but each goddam time the sodding action cuts back to the house.

The film avoids making Beetlejuice the main focus to the expense of everything else and the individual story strands are amusing but just don't gell into a cohesive whole. And while Dafoe and the rest delight and revel in their roles Monica Bellucci is criminally wasted in the role of Bettlejuice's ex-wife.   

The original movie, which I watched just the day before seeing this, is blissfully brief, the plot is simple and the film moves at a pace but never at the expense of the story. This lazy creatively dead sequel avoids all of that by over egging the pudding so much it implodes under the sheer weight of story its expected to carry. 

Too much of everything ruins this film as does the bloated story and the complete lack of originality. 

Thank god for the willing cast of great actors all having a hoot, for them no blame is given, that rests purely on the shoulders and souls of the writers and director who deserve to burn in the pits of hell for all eternity for this bland, dreary dirge of a movie. 

5/10