#23: MEINCRAP

STARRING: Jason Momoa, Jack Black, Danielle Brooks, Emma Myers and Sebastian Hansen. Screenplay by Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, Neil Widner, Gavin James, Chris Galletta. From a story by Allison Schroeder, Chris Bowman and Hubbel Palmer. Based on the video game. Directed by Jared Hess. Budget $150 million. Running time 101 minutes.

This took the combined talents of six writers to write. Think about it, that means that six different writers, who'd all gone to Uni to study creative writing and the such sat in room together and that this was the best they could come up with. I imagine that each took a turn standing on the writer room's big table, legs apart squatting down and then, with veins popping on their foreheads, squeezing out their genius onto a big pile of scattered paper. Then, the next writer waddled up, trousers bunched around their ankles before adding their nugget of creative output and mixing it all together until they'd all added their portion of wonderment and the pile of paper was saturated. Then one of them proudly gathered up all the paper and shambled from the room, with the huge brown stained, sagging damp sheets of paper smeared in shit up and waved it in the face of the eight producers and grunted that they was done their best. The producers carried the stinking piece of shit dripping paper to the director and flung it at him. "Make this, but make it good." they ordered before sliding off to congratulate themselves at how brilliant they were. While the writers went back to their colouring-in books.

And then the director, who had once made a film that both surprised and delighted and was made for 375% less budget watched the last ounce of his own shame wither away and made this foul stinking mess. 

What follows is a 101 minute long bowel movement, a film devoid of anything of merit, worth, or humanity. It's a film whose plot frame works for any Hollywood blockbuster made in the last 40 years, a generic quest-based film that features a group of people, a portal to another dimension and a journey to recover an artifect of power before our band of plucky heroes unite, fall out, re-unite and finally win the day. It's the purest and biggest nugget of cinematic pyrite I've ever seen. Its lustre shines and gleams with pure delight, it promises worlds of wonderment but at the end of the day, you'll leave bored, pummelled, deafened and wearied by a non-stop avalanche of the cinematic excess.

The plot. Jason Momoa, an orphan boy genius, his big sister and her real estate agent travel through a magical portal to the world of Minecraft and meet Jack Black. He proceeds to scream at them for the next 90 odd minutes. They are given their quest, they meet a villain whom they end up killing and overcome some tedious, loud, garish mini quests some of which feature elements from the Minecraft game. They come home and everything is lovely. The film ends with Jack Black scream singing a duet with Jason Momoa. 

I can't be arsed to discuss this any further. 

It's an absolute piece of shit, it's not funny. It's not good. Jack Black is awful, so is Momoa.

It's hideous, it's bland, it's boring. A 7 year old boy with his dad in the toilets afterwards said, and I quote, "That wasn't very good, daddy." He was spot on, although I'd have phrased it somewhat differently.

I'd have said that it was a hideous, ghastly, dreadful, wretched, obscenely bloated mass of multi-coloured garbage spewed across a massive screen with nothing to redeem it and nothing worse seeing. 

A big bloated bag of shit. 

Also there's a post credit sting. Don't bother, it's also shit. 

2/10

         

 

#22: DEATH OF A UNICORN

STARRING: Paul Rudd, Jenna Ortega, Will Poulter, Tea Leoni and Richard E. Grant, Jessica Hynes, Anthony Carridgan, Sunita Mani and Steve park. Written and directed by Alex Scharfman. Budget $15 million. Running time 107 minutes.

Another horror release from distribution company A24, made for a fraction of the price of Gladiator 2 or, Crapton American't: Bland New World. In fact, you could make 16.6 of these types of horror film for the cost of the last/next MCU offering. 

While driving to a weekend retreat with the Leopold family, the founders of the charity he works for, newly widowed Elliot Kintner (Paul Rudd) and his emo daughter Ridley (Jenna Ortega) hit a unicorn leaving Elliot to 'humanely' kill it with a wrench before taking its body to the Odell compound where it comes back to life and has to be shot and killed (again) by Shaw, the Leopold's personal assistant.

There at the compound we meet the uber rich Leopold family, patriarch, Odell (Richard E. Grant) who is dying of cancer, his wife, Belinda (Tea Leoni) a vapid, over privileged and neurotic trophy wife, their ultra-spoilt, wastrel and indulged son, Shepard (Will Poulter), family butler Griff (Anthony Carrigan), the forementioned Shaw (Jessica Hynes) and a retinue of scientists lead Dr. Bhatia (Sunita Mani) and Dr. Song (Steve Park). Oh, and an army of unnamed cannon folder for what is about to occur.

It doesn't take long for the Leopold's to realise that Unicorn has astonishing healing powers and Odell is cured, and Shepard is snorting ground up Unicorn horn powder, while Belinda is dreaming of curing the super-rich of terminal illnesses for a fee of course. And through it all, Elliot keeps hoping it'll all turn out alright for him and his daughter.

HOWEVER, the Unicorn's parents are pretty peeved with the treatment dealt out to their 'dead' fowl and come looking for retribution. From there on it's gravy train time in the gore department and a game of 'last man' standing. 

This is an amusing film, with a good cast, all hamming it up royally, with some nice social commentary, although not enough, some good kills and a light-hearted, tongue in cheek horror romp vibe. 

This is okay, not brilliant and entertaining but sadly not clever enough, you wish it'd gone all in on the gore and social commentry, but the film lands a thumbs up for the excellent casting of Grant and Leoni, while Rudd and Ortega just phone it in with ease and charm a plenty.

7/10