FILM #23_PARKER (8.3.13)

The Stath, Genital Lopez, That bloke from the Shield who also played the Thing in those two Fantastic Four movies that weren't that good, but atleast he wasn't CGIed and Nick Nolte who is HUGE!

Talk about false advertising! It starts out well, there's Parker dressed as a priest, I can buy that, I think he did it in one of the TV episodes too. Look, there's the English accent, just like he had on TV and look there's even The Hood (played by that bloke from the Shield and who played the Thing in those two Fantastic Four films that weren't that good, but at least he wasn't CGIed). But where the hell was the pink Rolls Royce and who the hell thought Genital Lopez makes a good Lady Penelope? WORST CASTING EVER! She didn't even have a tea pot that connected her to Tracy Island.

Seriously, talk about being conned. They should have called him, Porter or Walker, or Macklin, or Stone. I'd even settle for calling him McCain. And he didn't even wear a chauffeur's hat!

So, what of the film itself? Well, it wasn't all bad. It's violent, The Stath makes a good Parker (the books are brilliant, written by Donald Westlake under the name Richard Stark) it has a nice 70's quality to it, much like The Stath's far superior Safe from last year. This has all the ingredients you'd expect from a Parker adventure, gritty action, brutal violence, double-crosses, fantastically bloody fights and no-nonsense thuggery. Sadly, once Genital Lopez turns up the momentum the film had dries up and never gets going again. It's also too long and at times, a little on the slow side. On the plus side, The Stath's turn as a billionaire Texan is hilarious, right down to the comedy 50 gallon stetson!

This year has seen action films from three old-school action heroes, The Stath represents the next generation and this is, by a nose, the best action film so far this year, mainly because you seriously believe he would, if he had to, rip off your head and shit down your neck.

And finally, special mention for Nick Nolte who was always big, well now he's an actual giant! His head is easily twice as big as The Stath, in fact there's one scene where you realise he could eat The Stath in one gulp! And if his voice gets any more gravelly he's going to need to be subtitled.

7/10