X-MEN DARK PHOENIX

Starring Sophie Turner, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbinder, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult and Jessica Chastain. Written and directed by Simon Kinberg. 114 minutes long. Budget $200 million.

Another week, another dull super blockbuster.

This one sees Jean Grey become imbued with the spark of the universe transforming her into the Dark Phoenix, although at no point in the film is she ever called that. Obvs cos she can't control her powers, she kills one much loved member of the X-Men sparking a man hunt, or should that be mutant hunt with both sides of the divide, Prof X, Cyclops, Storm and Nightcrawler (although he's never called that) on one side and Magneto, Hank Marvin and a couple other no-named mutants on the other, oh and a race of alien beings who take the form of humans for no discernible reason who also want Grey. So, one side want to help her, one side want to kill her and one side want her to cater their son's 8th birthday party. Only one will succeed.

After that there's a couple of rather dreary battles, lots of earnest mutterings in EXTREME CLOSE UP, lots of angst before the obligatory final punch up and showdown.

The effects are middling in the extreme, particularly the very bad arial view of the Winchester School for Gifted Mutants.

This has been a mixed franchise. The first two movies were great. The third was dreadful infact that also had Phoenix, the fourth even worse, perhaps the worst of the whole series. Then there was a gap and the X-men blasted back with the excellent First Class, (i might have deliberately blocked a couple of films there) then dropped the pooch for the one with Apocalypse, before nailing it with Logan and now fumbling the ball at the goal line for this full stop to the whole sorry mess of a thing.

My interest in this film started well, but slowly waned and by the time the characters have moped up to their first fight and then Grey had whinged off to mope about with Magento my enthusiasm finally, withered on the vine and died, its tortured breathe slowly escaping from its gaping maw in utter disinterest, "Don't bother saving me," it whispered, "I'm far happier dead."

Too much wrong to be arsed to name it all. There's one funny bit and it's right at the end. But I'm fairly sure that if you look very closely you can see Alfred, Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle at two of the other tables.

4/10

BOOKSMART

Starring Kaitlyn Dever, Beanie Feldstein, Jessica Williams, Lisa Kudrow, Will Forte and Jason Sudeikis. Written by Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins, Susanna Fogel and Katie Silberman. Directed by Olivia Wilde. 105 minutes running time. Budget $6 million. Cert: 15.

Thank you sweet, sweet blessed god of cinema. I thought you had forsaken me but praise be to the flickering light of your screen for this film, for restoring my faith in the immutable power of the movie.

A funny, entertaining and deeply satisfying coming of age comedy, with a glorious sound track and some superb performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein. Their chemistry together is the glue that bonds this film.

The plot sees the two nerdist girls in their high school realise they're only got one night left to let rip before them embark on their college careers. To do so, they set out to attend the party of the year.

Fantastically funny, and utterly enjoyable. 9/10

GODZILLA KING OF THE MONSTERS

Starring: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Millie Bobby Brown, Ken Watanabe, Charles Dance and loads of other people I frankly can't be arsed to name. Directed, or excreted from his gapping shit hole by Michael Dougherty whose other two films as directer were Trick n Treat and Krampus. Budget an obscene $170 - 200 million. Running time 132 hours of your life you're never getting back, ever. Actually it's only 132 minutes but believe me it'll feel like 132 hours.

The plot sees the fallout of a family breakup following the events of the 2014 Godzilla film when the family lost their son, played out across the entire globe as a grieving mother wreaks havoc on her angry ex-husband after he gave up on her and their teenage daughter to photograph wolves in the wild. The wife, who also happens to be a scientist working for the Monarch group uses a device she created with her ex-husband to awaken all the sleeping Titans so they can remake the world.

Trouble is one of the titans she awakens is the three-headed dragon, Ghidorah and he's not of this Earth and so Godzilla has to fight him, and Rodan and Mothra turns up to, along with a whole slew of brand new monsters who are all shit.

After that, there's some monster smack downs all shot at night time in the rain by a camera man with Parkinson's Disease. All the characters shout cliches and the occasional one liners at each other and Charles Dance turns up to pay the mortgage for a couple of months.

Full disclosure here, I am a card carrying, fully paid up member of the Godzilla Fan club (actually I'm not, but I do love him to bits). I've been excited by this film for months and stupidly declared it would be the film of the summer. Oh how wrong I was. 

So, how do I feel? Well, thank you for asking, I'll tell you.

I am literally incandescent with unbridled rage, I'm trembling with rage, my ears are ringing, I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and then stomped on before being shat on and then covered in an absolute fountain of stale urine.How can you make such a bad film? Seriously? I sat through the credits, there are literally hundreds of people who worked on this cinematic excrement, men and women who spent years of their lives, they must have known, they must have had some inkling that they were all contributing to the actual death of civilisation.

This is one of the laziest films I have seen in a long time. Our star, the one after whom this abomination is named doesn't even appear for at least the first 10 hours, actually i don't know how long this film was, but I'm fairly sure I've been gone for a few days now.

For all it's many, many faults I stupidly loved the first Godzilla film, I mean the one from 2014, not the one from 1954, although I love that one too. But the recent one from Hollywood, I know it's shit but I do love it. In fact I love it in the exact opposite way in which I truly detest and hate this new film.

So much do I hate G:KOTM that I have decided it never happened and I will never watch it or think about it ever again.

There is nothing to recommend this film to anyone, even ardent Godzilla fans like myself. Actually there is, it's near the end and it's the use of the iconic Godzilla march, that had me cheering and whooping, but the rest of it just blows huge chunks of steaming bile.

And that's it. This was a huge pile of stinking monster shit, it has nothing good to recommend it and I expect it to crash and burn at the US boxoffice but do well in the Japanese one. Save your money and go back and rewatch Avengers Endgame, or better yet go and see Booksmart.

1/10

2018 BEST AND WORST FILMS OF THE YEAR

This has been an odd year for me, one that impacted on my movie going. First off I found I was too busy to post reviews of all the films I'd seen this year, and then I lost my sister and that sort of dampened my passion for the movies. As a result, I only managed 95 movies this year.

FILMS OF 2018

Reissue:
2001 : A Space Odyssey 10/10

Die Hard 10/10

Escape From New York 10/10

The Dam Busters At 75 Live from Royal Albert Hall 10/10

Grease: 40th Anniversary Reissue 9/10

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2018

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri 10/10

Coco 10/10

Avengers: INFINITY WAR 9/10

Isle Of Dogs 9/10

Mission: Impossible - Fallout 9/10
American Animals 9/10

Free Solo 9/10

First Man 9/10
BlacKKKlansman 9/10

McQueen 9/10

WORST BOTTOM TEN FILMS OF 2018

Mortal Engines 4/10

Slaughterhouse Rulez 4/10
Death Wish 4/10
The Predator  4/10

Tomb Raider 4/10
Holmes and Watson 4/10
Magnificent Breasts: The Crimes of Mr. Grimsdale 4/10

Venom 3/10

Mamma Mia : Here We Go Again! 3/10
Happy Time Murders 2/10

Remaining films in descending order
Whitney 9/10

Christmas Carol 9/10

Darkest Hour 9/10

Ready Player One 8/10
The Post 8/10

All The Money In The World 8/10
Molly's Game 8/10
Overlord 8/10

Juliet, Naked 8/10
I, Tonya 8/10 

Bohemian Rhapsody 8/10
Alpha 8/10
A Quiet Place 8/10

Old Man and a Gun 8/10
The Hate U Give 8/10
Downsizing  8/10

A Star Is Born 8/10

A Simple Favour 8/10

Black Panther 8/10
The Shape Of Water 8/10

Star Wars : THE LAST JEDI 8/10

Lady Bird 8/10

Creed II 7/10

Pacific Rim : UPRISING 7/10
You Were Never Really Here 7/10

Assassination Nation - 7/10

Widows – 7/10

Hunter Killer 7/10
Ant-Man And The Wasp 7/10
Incredibles 2 7/10
Tag 7/10

Jurassic World : Fallen Kingdom 7/10
12 Strong 7/10

The Equalizer 2 6/10

M4J Sgt. Stubby: An Unlikely Hero 6/10
Game Night  6/10
The Commuter 6/10

Love Simon 6/10

Red Sparrow 6/10

Deadpool 2 6/10

Ocean's 8 6/10

Maze Runner 3: Death Cure 5/10
Den of Thieves 5/10
Rampage 5/10
The Meg 5/10
Halloween 5/10
The Girl in the Spider’s Web 5/10

Mile 22 5/10

Brad’s Status 5/10
Crazy Rich Asians 5/10 

Solo: A Star Wars Story 5/10

Mortal Engines 4/10

Slaughterhouse Rulez 4/10
Death Wish 4/10
The Predator  4/10

Tomb Raider 4/10
Holmes and Watson 4/10
Magnificent Breasts: The Crimes of Mr. Grimsdale 4/10

Venom 3/10

Mamma Mia : Here We Go Again! 3/10
Happy Time Murders 2/10

ALL FILMS OF 2018 IN ORDER

December 2018

1. 15/12/18 Creed II 7/10
2. 15/12/18 Mortal Engines (x2) 4/10
3. 14/12/18 The Old Man and the Gun 8/10
4. 13/12/18 Aquaman 5/10
5. 11/12/2018  A Christmas Carol (Starring Simon Callow) 9/10
6. Aquaman 5/10
7. Die Hard 10/1
8. Free Solo 9/10
9. Holmes and Watson 4/10
10. Mary Poppins Returns 8/10
11. Bumblebee 6/10

November 2018 

10. 22/11/2018 Escape From New York 10/10
11. 21/11/2018 Overlord 8/10
12. 19/11/2018 The Girl in the Spider’s Web 5/10
13. 17/11/2018 Magnificent Breasts: The Crimes of Mr. Grimsdale 4/10
14. 12/11/2018 Assassination Nation - 7/10
15. 11/11/2018  Widows – 7/10
16. Star Wars: A New Hope – Live orchestra 10/10
17. 11/11/2018  M4J Sgt. Stubby: An Unlikely Hero 6/10
18. 07/11/2018  Juliet, Naked -8/10
19. 05/11/2018  Overlord : X2 8/10
20. 03/11/2018  Slaughterhouse Rulez 4/10
    October 2018 
21. 28/10/2018  Venom 3/10
22. 27/10/2018  Bohemian Rhapsody 7/10
23. 22/10/2018  Halloween (2018) 5/10
24. 19/10/2018  Hunter Killer 6/10
25. 14/10/2018  First Man 9/10
26. 09/10/2018  Crazy Rich Asians 5/10 
27. 08/10/2018  The Hate U Give 8/10
28. 06/10/2018  A Star Is Born 8/10
    September 2018
29. 27/09/2018  A Simple Favour 7/10
30. 25/09/2018  Mile 22 5/10
31. 13/09/2018  American Animals 9/10
32. 12/09/2018  The Predator  4/10
    August 2018
33. 29/08/2018  BlacKkKlansman 9/10
34. 29/08/2018  Alpha 8/10
35. 27/08/2018  The Happytime Murders 3/10
36. 11/08/2018  The Meg 5/10
37. 06/08/2018  The Equalizer 2 : Unlimited Screening 6/10
38. 04/08/2018  Mission : Impossible - Fallout 9/10
39. 02/08/2018  Ant-Man And The Wasp 7/10
40. 02/08/2018  Ant-Man And The Wasp 7/10
41. 02/08/2018  Ant-Man And The Wasp 7/10
    July 2018
42. 25/07/2018  Mission : Impossible – Fallout 9/10 
43. 24/07/2018  Mamma Mia : Here We Go Again! 5/10
44. 22/07/2018  Incredibles 2 7/10
45. 08/07/2018  Whitney (2018) 9/10
46. 04/07/2018  Tag (2018) 7/10
    June 2018
47. 18/06/2018  Ocean's 8 7/10
48. 15/06/2018  McQueen 9/10
49. 10/06/2018  Jurassic World : Fallen Kingdom 7/10
50. 20/06/2018  Secret Unlimited Screening 8 
51. 03/06/2018  2001 : A Space Odyssey (Re : 2018)  10/10
    May 2018
52. 27/05/2018  Solo: A Star Wars Story 5/10
53. 19/05/2018  Deadpool 2 6/10
54. 16/05/2018  Deadpool 2 6/10
55. 17/05/2018  The Dam Busters At 75 Live from Royal Albert Hall 10/10
56. 02/05/2018 Avengers : INFINITY WAR 9/10
    April 2018
57. 11/04/2018 Rampage 5/10
58. 09/04/2018 Ready Player One 8/10 
59. 08/04/2018 A Quiet Place 8/10
60. 08/04/2018 Death Wish 4/10
61. 26/04/2018 Avengers : INFINITY WAR 9/10
62. 19/04/2018 Grease : 40th Anniversary Reissue 9/10
    March 2018
63. 30/03/2018 Isle Of Dogs 9/10
64. 25/03/2018 Pacific Rim : UPRISING 7/10
65. 25/03/2018 Tomb Raider 4/10
66. 20/03/2018 You Were Never Really Here 7/10
67. 19/03/2018 Ready Player One : 8/10
68. 03/03/2018 Game Night  6/10
69. 01/03/2018 Red Sparrow 6/10
    
    February 2018

76. 24/02/2018 Lady Bird 7/10
77. 13/03/2018 I, Tonya 8/10 
78. 26/02/2018 Game Night : 6/10
79. 13/02/2018 Black Panther 8/10
80. 05/02/2018 Downsizing  8/10
81. Den of Thieves 6/10
    
    January 2018 (13)
82. 12 Strong 7/10
83. 30/01/2018 The Shape Of Water 8/10
84. 20/01/2018 Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri 10/10
85. The Post 8/10
86. Maze Runner 3: Death Cure 6/10
87. 20/01/2018 The Commuter 6/10
88. 14/01/2018 Coco 9/10
89. 13/01/2018 Darkest Hour 9/10
90. Brad’s Status 5/10
91. 05/01/2018 All The Money In The World 8/10
92. 03/01/2018 Molly's Game 8/10
93. 02/01/2018 Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri 10/10
94. 01/01/2018 Star Wars : THE LAST JEDI 8/10
95. Game Night 6/10
96. Red Sparrow 6/10
97. Ready Player One (x2) 8/10
98. You Were Never Really Here 7/10
99. Tomb Raider 5/10
100. Pacific Rim Uprising 7/10
101. Isle of Dogs 9/10

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri 10/10Even before I found out my sister loved this film I was bowled over by it, the power, the story, the acting and the black as ink humour. I loved this and saw it three times. For me this year marked the nadir of Hollywood blockbusters and I found myself loving films that weren't mainstream. This satisfied me greatly and I found myself blissfully lost in the fictitious world of Ebbing. A more engrossing film I did not see this year. Deeply deeply fulfilling.

The Happytime Murders 2/10
Quite frankly, a terrible, terrible film, bereft of humour, wit or even an original idea in its foam stuffed head. Just avoid like the plague and watch the far funnier and more shocking ‘Meet The Feebles’ from Peter Jackson. Melissa McCartney needs to start picking her projects with more care because some of the stinkers she’s picking are in danger of sinking her career. This is the sort of film where invariably the trailer is funnier than the actual movie, however in this case it’s equally as piss power and shit. I think there was one laugh and that’s the silly string ejaculate gag. After that it’s like tying weights to the feet of someone and dropping them into the deepend so quickly does this descend into wretchedness and utter tedium. Just a woeful bag of shit.