FILMS OF 2022

With two weeks to go before the end of this year (what!? How did that happen?) I have decided to publish my review of the year now rather than later.

As a result I might have to revise the list, should I manage to make it to the cinema again this year to see, say Whitney Huston: I Wanna Dance, which is actually the only new film I want to see from the list of mediocrity on offer at Cineworld this month.

Anyhoo, as of this year, somehow I managed to see 60 films at cinema despite there being a distinct lack of movies on offer as opposed to pre-pandemic years. This year I've struggled some months to find something new at my local 12 screen cinema, and the usual summer glut of big blockbusters was greatly reduced this year.

The one good thing about this state of affairs is the re-issuing classic movies, a trend I hope continues on and on. Nothing beats getting a chance to revisit old favourites on the big screen again and my original TOP TEN list was originally filled with those films. However, for this list, only new films released at the cinema were reviewed and rated.

TOP TEN OF 2022

1. LICORICE PIZZA 10/10
"Like liquorice itself this film might not be to everyone's taste, but for me, it was a cinematic manna."

2. BANSHEES OF INISHERIN 10/10
"It is a brilliantly written black comedy with humour, as black as coal, wrapped up in expertly written dialogue and well-rounded, believable characters."

3. LIVING 9/10
"A total delight and joy."

4. NOPE 9/10
"At times, funny, scary and downright exhilarating. It's one of the best films of the summer, if not year." 

5. THE WOMAN KING 9/10
"This is a gripping, intense and satisfyingly dramatic movie, featuring some wonderful cinematography and excellent performances."

6. THE BAT MAN 9/10
"I bloody loved this and will be going back to see it again!*" 

7. UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT 8/10
"... a bloody, laugh-out-loud, funny film that succeeds entirely thanks to the wonderful bro-mance between Cage and Pascal."

8. TOP GUN: MAVERICK 8/10
"... featuring real footage that'll have you on the edge of your seat, holding your breathe and whooping with delight."

9. AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER 8/10
"Visually this film is a staggering masterpiece, it's a cinematic spectacle that needs to be seen on the biggest screen possible."

10. EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE 8/10
"in a sea of mediocrity this stands like a big shiny beacon of hope."

(* I didn't.)

ALL THE REST

11. THE ELECTRICAL LIFE OF LOUIS WAIN 8/10

12. BRIAN AND CHARLES 8/10 

13. NORTHMAN 8/10

14. HATCHING 8/10

15. BODIES BODIES BODIES 8/10

16. ELVIS 8/10

17. CONFESS, FLETCH 8/10

18. DOC STRANGE: ITMOM 8/10

19. THE DUKE 8/10

20. OPERATION MINCEMEAT 8/10

21. CRIMES OF THE FUTURE 8/10

22. NIGHTMARE ALLEY 8/10

23. BELFAST 8/10

24. VENGEANCE 8/10

25. DON'T WORRY DARLING 7/10

26. SEE HOW THEY RUN 7/10

27. JACKASS FOREVER 7/10

28. THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER 7/10

29. BULLET TRAIN 7/10

30. DOG 7/10

31. AMSTERDAM 7/10

32. AMBULANCE 7/10

33. PHANTOM OF THE OPEN 7/10

34. VIOLENT NIGHT 6/10

35. MRS HARRIS GOES TO PARIS 6/10

36. BLACK PANTHER: WANKAS FOREVER 6/10

37. FANTASTIC SECRET BREASTS OF DUMBLEDORE 6/10

38. DEATH ON THE NILE 6/10

39. BLACK PHONE 6/10

40. MOONFALL 6/10

41. THE LOST CITY 6/10

42. MINIONS THE RISE OF GRU 6/10

43. LIGHTYEAR 5/10

TOP SIX RE-ISSUES

1. JAWS 10/10
"one of the best films ever made."

2. ROBOCOP 10/10

3. STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN 10/10 

4. BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA 9/10 

5. AVATAR 8/10 

6. E.T: THE EXTRA TERRESTRAL 8/10

WORST FILMS OF 2022 (IN DESCENDING ORDER)

10. THE LOST CITY 6/10
"I just wish it had been funnier and more frothy, say like the trailer. Beyond that. I have nothing more to add. It didn't fill me with rage or bile, and I quite liked it."

9. MINIONS THE RISE OF GRU 6/10
"a lot more middling than I was expecting and surprisingly low in the laughter department."

8. LIGHTYEAR 5/10
"very generic, rather dull story with nothing new to say."

7. THE 355 5/10
"... too earnest and a little too happy to let you play cliche bingo with all its plot points and contrivances for its own good."

6. DOWNTOWN ABBEY 4/10
"To say I hated this despicable pile of cinematic tripe would be an insult to all those terrible films that I've had to sit through in the past." 

4. UNCHARTED 4/10
"... a bland, dreary, and boring film with an unpleasant centre that manages to be both dull and un-engaging in equal measure."

5. BLACK ADAM 3/10
"Apparently this steaming pile of cinematic feces heralds a new beginning for the DCU and if this is the case god help us all."

3. MORBIUS 3/10
"This is a dull, boring, 'Meh' movie, one that is just utterly predictable and genuinely unmemorable."

2. FIRESTARTER 3/10
"... Sadly in the third act, I really couldn't be arsed any more and dozed off, meaning I had to go online to find out how it ended.

Thank god I missed that, my blood would have boiled."

1. JURASSIC PARK: DOMINION 3/10 
"My son, wisely refused to come with the rest of us to see this and by doing so missed out on the best part of the evening – sitting in bar afterwards laughing at it and slagging off just how shit this shit-filled, shitty shitfest was." 

#60: AVATAR THE WAY OF WATER

 

Directed by James Cameron, written by James Cameron, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver. Story by James Cameron, Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Josh Friedman and Shane Salerno, Based on characters created by James Cameron. Produced by James Cameron and Jon Landau. Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang and Kate Winslet. 193 minutes long. Budget $350-400 million dollars!

It's been 13 years, but now, at last here it comes, the long awaited (as asked for by absolutely no-one) sequel to the BIGGEST GROSSING FILM OF ALL TIME, the first in a promised four-film, EPIC saga, which sees the return of the much-loved characters of James P. 'Sulley' Sullivan the 7-foot, 8 inch blue-skinned alien and his blue-skinned girlfriend played by Zoe Saldana. This time aided by their crazy family of kids they're off for more shits and giggles on the planet of Pandora.

Best summed up as a sort of The Partridge Family meets Jaws via Apocalypse Now. Our 'eagerly awaited (by no-one) return' to Pandora sees the Sky People (Earth) return to Pandora determined to finish off what that last lot couldn't, causing James P. Sulley to take up arms to fight off the interlopers and their polluting ways.

But this time Earth has a secret weapon in its arsenal, Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), "but wait," I hear you ask. "Didn't he die at the end of the last one?" Why yes he did. "So, how is he back?" Well, that would be telling. But his character is the most interesting thing in this.

The story sees James P. Sulley literally run away and hide out at the seaside with his family to avoid an escalating conflict with the massively pissed off humans and that's where the film sinks down into a world that James Cameron loves, the underwater world, because that's where we spend most of the film, and we're better off because of it.

Make no mistake, this film is a visual masterpiece! In fact, it's so utterly and stunningly beautiful, that it entirely negates the rather generic plot, which is a good thing, because the plot is almost entirely propelled by a group of kids who manage to get themselves captured and recaptured consistently to advance the plot, while the adult leads are left to pop their heads around the corner every now and again, when things lag, just to remind the viewer there is a story. 

There are several continuity issues or plot holes that niggle, at one junction a group of characters completely disappear, because the situation they were in would have been too easily resolved if they'd stayed, and while the story isn't as flabby as the first, it is filled with some risible dialogue that at times caused widespread spontaneous unintentional laughter.

However there is one subplot involving Stephen Lang's character and a human boy, gone feral on Pandora called Spider which offers a truly fascinating dynamic, as does Stephen Lang's coming to terms with the fact he's somehow returned from the dead.

Visually this film is a staggering masterpiece, it's a cinematic spectacle that needs to be seen on the biggest screen possible and not at home where none of this astonishing visual majesty will come across. 

Cameron's direction is as always, sharp and tight, well framed and mounted and with no shaky cam, you see every arrow and bullet strike, the action is brutal, pounding and superbly edited, the effects, animation, textures, lighting, rigging, and modelling are so flawless that you stop even seeing them as anything other than real. Likewise the 3D is the best I have ever seen, and is truly immersive.

If you want to see something that's visually genuinely remarkable, filled with great action, peerless special effects and something that literally takes you to another world than this is for you, however if a searing social or emotional drama is what you're after then this isn't for you. But if you've been as bored rigid as I have by this year's glut of lacklustre churned-out Super Hero movies then this is a much welcomed change. But be warned, at 193 minutes, it's bum-numbingly long and you'll want to avoid liquids and get your loo breaks in early if you're to last the distance.

6/10 for the story. 10/10 for every goddam glorious pixel. Aggregate score 8/10

#59: VIOLENT NIGHT

 

Starring David Harbour, John Leguizamo, Alex Hassell, Alexis Louder, Edi Patterson, Cam Gigandet, Leah Brady and Beverley D'Angelo. Written by Pat Caey and Josh Miller. Directed by Tommy Wirkola. Budget $20 million. Running time 112 minutes.

The plot, can be summed up perfectly by the what was said in the pitch meeting, which I have it on good authority was this - "It's Die Hard 1 & 2 meets Miracle on 53rd St and Home Alone."

And that's it. In this, a gang of generic bad guys led by John Leguizamo invade the house of an insanely rich Matriarcal family, kill all the servants (quite horribly), and hold the family hostage, while the Christmas crimbos try to break in the family vault so that they can steal lots of money. Unluckily for them, Santa Claus (David Harbour) is trapped in the house with them and he's suffering from a series case of the Christmas blues. Luckily for him, there's a little girl who's there to rekindle his Christmas spirit, as he lays waste to an army of nameless goons in a brutal orgy of violence and blood letting, although because this is the 21st Century gouts of blood aren't allowed, although sledge hammers into knees, faces, skulls and groins are absolutely fine.

And that's the story. You happily play 'guess the dialogue' with this one, I scored an impressive 90 pts, by correctly guessing the very next line of dialogue (10 pts per line), so why not play along and see how many you can score.

Leaving no 1980's action movie cliche un-sampled this really is a masterclass in post-it note writing, that trick of writing down not plot points but action beats lifted from your favourite films on post-it notes and sticking them on a board and then rearranging them into a 'plot'. After that it's just a matter of giving a line of guff for one of the characters to speak. Unfortunately the two writers, come undone when they realise they can't provide lines to all their cast leaving many to literally stand around while others do stuff. Along with the action beats our two plucky writers waste no effort in recycling tried and tested ideas lifted from all their favourite Christmas films. Although a hinted at 'origin' story for this St. Nick is quite welcomed, going a way to explain Santa's lethal abilities. 

The servants are giving very short thrift in this, as they are all brutally massacred, while their rich masters, the family, who all deserve horrible deaths emerge relatively unscathed. There's an incredibly savage Home Alone rift late in the second act which sees a series of the criminals quite savagely killed by a little girl, who seems utterly unfazed by the deaths her Home Alone inspired bobby traps cause.

That said, the action beats are funny, David Harbour and John Leguizamo (his second film of the week for me!) are game, but poor Beverley D'Angelo feels wasted and seems to spend most of the time getting punched in the face. Sadly the film loses momentum in the middle when we spend far too long time with Santa and the little girl as they talk over a pair of kid's two-way radios, mimicking Die Hard again.

The film builds to an obvious ending and just as you're wondering what's with the chimney stack in the garden, we're done and Santa has his mojo back, the little girl's separated parents back together again, and all the crimbos are horribly and  brutally dead, I mean really horribly dead, so you know. Happy Christmas everyone.

Overall, It's quite fun, rather silly and very violent. It certainly won't win any awards for originality. Particularly in light of the fact it's only been two years since Mel Gibson donned the red suit for The Fatman, another violent Santa movie. Consider it a stocking filler rather than a main present and you shouldn't be too disappointed. 

6/10 

#58: THE MENU

 

Starring Ralph Fiennes, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult, Hong Chau, Janet McTeer, Reed Birney, Judith Light and John Leguizamo. Written by Seth Reiss and Will Tracy. Directed by Mark Mylod. Budget $30 million. Running time 106 minutes.

Anya Taylor-Joy is Morgan, a last-minute replacement dinner date brought along by her boyfriend, obsessive foodie, Tyler to an insanely expensive $1200 a-head multi-course tasting menu at the legendary Hawthorne, the most exclusive restaurant in the world. Built on a beautiful and remote island, where all the food served for the meal is grown, harvested or foraged, and where all the staff live all year round. The controlling gastronomic genius behind the whole venue is Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) whom the staff love with an undying loyalty and total commitment to his passion, vision and dream. The guests though are another matter, a bunch of rich, entitled, arogant and ignorant 1%ers who seem to think their shit don't stink and expect to be treated like accordingly, but it seems Slowik has other plans... 

What follows, as the film deconstructs its cast of characters, like an exploded Black Forrest Gateaux on Masterchef, is a black, as squid ink, comedy thriller as we discover what each of the guests have done to ruin Slowik's love and passion for cooking. 

Funny, very funny at times, and sinister the cast is good, especially Taylor-Joy who gives the film its only glimmer of hope, but she's ably backed up by the always excellent Fiennes. Each of the other characters offer much to enjoy in the shape of their back stories, none more so than John Leguizamo's George Diaz, a washed up actor who's now making travel docs where he tastes wonderful food, his reason for being on Slowik's shit list is hilarious.

A very funny film, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Well worth a nibble.

8/10

#57: CONFESS, FLETCH

 

Starring Jon Hammm Lorenza Izzo, Marcia Gay Harden, Kyle MacLachlan, Roy Wood Jr. John Slattery, Ayden Mayeri and Annie Mumolo. Screenplay by Zev Borow and Greg Mottola, based on the Fletch books by Gregory Mcdonald. Directed by Greg Mottola. Music by David Arnold. Budget $21 million, running time 98 minutes.

The great thing about the success of Knives Out and to a much lesser extent those two woeful Poirot films is that once again light-hearted crime capers and murder mysteries are back in vogue with Hollywood. 

Confess, Fletch sees the return of the amateur sleuth and criminal investigator, Fletch in his first film since Fletch Lives in 1989, which itself was a sequel to the first Fletch film, Fletch in 1985 both of which starred Chevy Chase.

This time it's Jon Hamm in the title role bringing a huge dollop of charisma to the role of the sleuth as he's caught up in a kidnapping, murder and a missing Picasso, which sees him framed for murder. So laid back, he's almost horizontal, Hamm makes this Fletch far more likeable than Chase's version, and wisely dumps the multiple disguise shtick of his predecessor, along with the comedic styling of Chase and his character's rather creepy obsessive flirting. Instead we get a Fletch more mellow, relatable, and not as unpleasant.

With a great supporting cast to back him up, from Fletch's Italian girlfriend, Lorenzo Izzo, to Roy Wood Jr and Ayden Mayeri as detectives convinced of Fletch's guilt, to a next-door-neighbour as played by Annie Mumolo, and Fletch's old boss, John Slattery, all there bring a wealth of levity, although this is Hamm's film to carry or drop and it's pleasing to report that this is a thoroughly funny and entertaining little flick that quite wisely doesn't outstay its welcome, coming in at a deeply satisfying 98 minutes. What we get is a complicated whodunnit that keeps you guessing as to what the hell is going on. With lovely locations, an energetic soundtrack and a terrific cast this is an enjoyable film, which sadly loses its way in the final act but luckily not enough to derail it, and there's a somewhat casual and flippant attitude to the murder victim, which under minds proceedings a little. 

Still it's a witty and fun film and I hope we'll see more of Hamm's Fletch.

8/10

#56: LIVING

 

Starring Bill Nighy, Aimee Lou Wood, Alex Sharp, Tom Bruke, Adrian Rawlins, Oliver Chris, Michael Cochrane, Zoe Boyle, LIa Williams, Patsy Ferran and Nichola McAuliffe. Based on the Akira Kurosawa movie Ikiru. Screenplay by Kazuo Ishiguro. Directed by Oliver Hermanus. Music by Emilie Levienaise-Farrouch. Running time 102 minutes.

The plot isn't what's important in this wonderful and deeply moving movie, it concerns Mr. Williams (Bill Nighy), a late-middle-aged civil servant and widow who discovers he only has six to nine months to live and sets out to live a little before he dies. This he does not in a wacky sex, alcohol or drug filled orgy of excess or through a series of Hollywood-style bucket-list type comedic japes but rather with humility and dignity, as he sets out to get planning permission approved on a small playground in a run down area of town.   

Set in a 1953 London, that's not been ethnically homogenised like the similarly set but utterly woeful Mrs Harris Goes to Paris, Instead, Living just presents London as it was, not ethnically diverse, not a glorious melting pot of culture, nor a bingo card of diversity, and leaves it at that, rather it explores the nature of class system in the post war era of the UK, and focuses on a world repressed by unspoken rules and standards, where a young man, new to the world of work, waits his turn to speak to their elders and betters, and the gossip of prim housewives can have a devastating impact on those not conforming to social norms. As a result you're gifted with a simply wonderfully moving and emotional film that doesn't attempt to push your buttons or exploit you with mawkish sentimentality. Nighy plays a prim and proper man, who realises his childhood dreams of being a gentleman has robbed him of a chance to live. 

Bill Nighy is brilliant in the lead role and carries the film with grace and consummate skill. The dignity and humanity he brings to his role is exceptional. And the rest of the cast are likewise a delight, Aimee Lou Wood plays Miss Harris whom sparks in Williams an urge to live, and provides him an opportunity for a deeply moving speech where he explains his motives in befriending her. Similarly the other buttoned up men in his life, his son and office staff are also changed by Williams's final days. But this isn't a film where the hero stands on a desk and delivers a moving speech to rally those around him, rather it's the study of a truly gentle man who strives to leave his mark just one time before it's too late.  

The film shows us the impact his buttoned up life has on those he works with, as well as his son and daughter-in-law who all know nothing about the real Mr. Williams.

 
Set in and around County Hall and some brilliantly sourced locations, the film also uses some amazing vintage footage of London to great effect to bring 1950's London to vivid life.

A total delight and joy. 9/10

#55: BLACK PANTHER: WANKAS FOREVER

 

Starring: Letitia Wright, Lupita Nyong'o, Danai Gurira, Winston Duke, Florence Kasumba, Dominique Thoren, Michaela Coel, Tenoch Huerta, Marting Freeman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Angela Bassett. Written by Ryan Coogler and Joe Robert Cole. Directed by Ryan Coogler. Running time ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE MINUTES! Budget $250 million dollars. 

T'Challa, King of Wakanda is dead and the 'erb that gave him his superhuman power is gone, the super-secret nation state of Wakanda is in mourning and the world wants its' hands on the Vibranium. Luckily a new source of it is discovered at the bottom of the sea. Unluckily, there's this mutant called Namor who uses it to power his super-secret underwater nationstate of Talokan and he doesn't want the upstairs people (us) to have it.

Gotta say, right off the bat that if these two incredibly selfish and greedy super-secret nation states shared the vibranium with the rest of the world, then we'd all be living in an utopia, but oh no. These two wanka nations just want it for themselves. Hence the subtitle of this movie. Wankas Forever. Greedy bastards. 

Anyway, when Namor finds out a young, sassy, wise-ass-talking teenage girl from up there (us) has built  device to find vibranium and located his source of totally unguarded Vibranium just lying about in the open, at the bottom of the sea, he throws a hissy fit and threatens to kill everybody in Wanka unless they bring the girl to him. 

Queue a long and rather tedious adventure that sees people abducted to propel the plot, repeatedly, that's when they're not acting like arseholes to each other, which is all of the time, or spending an insane amount of time just moping about talking about their feelings, and dealing with grief for about ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY MINUTES, leaving just 30 minutes for any, you know, action. And when after about ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY MINUTES Black Panther 2 finally turns up for the big old fight with Namor, you sort of wave your hands in a hooray kind of way. Shame it's not really worth waiting for. The fight has no stakes, no drama and no tension, just you know bloodless stabbing and slashing with knives, swords and spears, but at least there's no spinning vortex of doom, and the fights take place in broad day light.

Also, for a race apparently insanely smart, the Wankandas sure are idiots when it comes to military strategy. I mean, seriously? You're going to attack a race of underwater people from a really large boat in the middle of the ocean, where the race of underwater people get their power from, you know water. The blue stuff that covers the Earth and where Namor's bunch of grumps live. Yeah, smart move brainiacs. Why not lure them on land. 

Most of the film, I'd say a good 95% of its running time is spent waiting for Letitia Wright put on the new Black Panther suit and when it finally happens you're sort of left deeply underwhelmed by it. I wish these movies would lose the trope of having heroes not wanting to put on the mask. It's been done to death. 

However before then there's lots of earnest discussions about honour, responsibility, grief, family, and oodles of emotion, which really helps to fill out the ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE MINUTES.

I find the whole idea behind Wanka really annoying. What a selfish bunch of tossers, hiding away from the world and acting like their shit don't stink. The Western world are presented here as a useless bunch of greedy tossers and only the Wankas and Tapioca people are worthy of respect or our time.

And yet another MCU superhero movie where none of the other heroes are featured or mentioned, nor is the dead Eternal sticking out of the Earth is talked about. Added to that is yet another genius tech wizard creating Iron Man suits from literal balls of string and sticky back plastic and you have a Marvel cash-cow movie just created to suck as much filthy lucre from a gullible audience as it can.

I found the whole film dull and tedious to be honest. Doubt I'll ever watch it again. Nothing worth going back for. But it's not all bad news, at least it's not as bad or dull as The Eternals, but it's pretty damn close race. 

Not as bad as a DCU movie or Morbius, or Venom, although this is still a rather dull, boring and dreary plod of a movie and it does elevate mopping to truly gargantuan  proportions. A film more interested in lionising, nay deifying Chadwick Boseman than in actually having an interesting or exciting story to tell.  6/10

#54: BLACK ADAM

 

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Aldis Hodge, Noah Centineo, Sarah Shahi, Marwan Kenzari, Quintessa Swindell, Bhodhi Sabongui and Pierce Brosnan. Written by Adam Sztykiel, Rory Haines and Sohrab Noshirvani. Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra. Budget $195 million. Running time 124 minutes.

This is the role of Dwayne Johnson's life, he's been campaigning for it for the past 15 years, he's perhaps the second most charismatic person on the planet and he's built like a brick shit house. It's had 195 million dollar thrown at it, it's got Jimmy Bond (Pierce Brosnan) in it too and it's being hailed at the film to put DC movies back on the map! What could possibly go wrong?

How about the following 124 minutes? From the minute this starts to the second it finally drags its tedious, boring carcass across the finishing line. 

The plot to this has been plucked from the generic super hero playbook and offers nothing new, the characters are all, every single one of them shit, super, human and villain alike. The plot holes are so numerous that you could use this film to sieve rice. It steals from far better super hero films, and indeed during the film, the X-Men rang and asked for the Lockheed jet back, and Professor X asked for his mansion. The Ant Man called in to get his growth doo-hickey back, Storm her wind control powers and Spartacus his origin. 

And through it all smashes Black Adam, Dwayne Johnson showing all the range of a rock. Normally a throughly likeable actor in this he's reduced to acting only through his eyebrows and biceps. His character emerges from 5000 years of sleep speaking perfect English, it's never explained why, and embarks on a campaign of destruction, we learn his backstory, sorry typo, we guess his back story right from the get go and you can spend some time playing plot/dialogue bingo.  

Often in these sort of films you're left wondering where all the other heroes are, the ones who could deal with Black Adam with one hand tied behind their backs, you know Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, or Fishman, or even Cyborg, but apparently they were all out when Amanda Wallis from the Suicidal Squad called up to ask for their help, so instead we get Atom Smasher and some girl who has super wind. Although sadly it's not the bum kind of wind. It's a question that comes back repeatedly throughout this crushingly boring film, and where as Dr Fate (Brosnan) and Hawkman (Aldis Hodge) are fine they really do seem stupidly under powered to deal with Captain Egghead. Come to think about it, where the hell is Shazam himself, Captain Marvel?

The generic baddies cum cannon fodder in this film called Intergang are so inept it's staggering, luckily they all  speak in broad cockney accents, that is when they're not whizzing about on flying bikes. They are legion in number and die in their hundreds, while the inhabitants of the fictitious country of Kahndaq die in their thousands, mostly through collateral damage during the utterly generic final boss level showdown, which features our old friend from DC movies, the Spinning Vortex of Doom (soon to get his own comic). 

It's not just the story that's shit. The effects are pretty box standard too, the lack of gravity niggling, the repetitive overly violent action nasty, the endless debates about justice and good versus evil are crushingly amateurish, although it's the soundtrack that deserves a special mention. It's never lets up, not for a single second, when it's not mawkish full orchestra, with strings, it's dropping snippets of classic rock songs into the mix or the latest from Canyard West. It's intrusive, bland and oh so generic.

Apparently this steaming pile of cinematic feces heralds a new beginning for the DCU and if this is the case god help us all. Recently Warner Bros who were purchased by Discovery, cancelled the Batgirl movie days from complication because it wasn't good enough. Having seen this piece of crap the mind boggles at how bad it must have been.

You'll come for Dwayne Johnson and you'll leave muttering about how you've just lost 124 minutes of your precious life you're never getting back and how that's it for you and super hero movies, you're not going to see another one. Well, first off I don't want to depress you further, but it's actually more like 180 minutes when you factor in the ads and trailers, and secondly all that shit about you not going to see another one of these terrible films is just bunkum. You'll all be out in force for next month's Wanker Forever movie, cos that one's Marvel and they're always good!
Well don't say I didn't warn you.

So, m'lord in summing up, this was boring, generic, stuffed full of plot holes, stupid inane dialogue, tedious action and featuring a pantheon of second tier heroes you've never heard of but who all remind you of Marvel characters. 

God, it's taken me almost as long to write this as watch it so I'm stopping now.

3/10 This is for the first fight Black Adam has with the Intergang out in the desert, which despite 'borrowing' from Quicksilver and The Flash, still manages to be exciting. Plus it name checks C.C. Beck and Bill Parker, the creators of Shazam and Black Adam. 

It seems some folks are excited by the prospect of the post credit teaser, well it's not worth sitting through 124 minutes to get to, mostly because it makes all of what's gone before seem like nothing more than a boring prologue. 

#53: THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN

 

Starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Kerry Condon, Barry Keoghan, music by Carter Burwell, Pat Shortt, JOn Kenny, Gary Lydon, Shelia Flitton and David Pearse. Written and directed by Martin McDonagh. Running time 114 minutes.

It's 1923 and the Irish civil war is in full swing on the mainland, while on a small island off the coast of Ireland two men's friendship comes to a sudden dramatic end, when folk musician Colm Doherty (Brendan Glesson) tells his life-long friend and drinking buddy, nice but dull, Pádraic Súilleabháin (Colin Farrell) that he no longer wants to be his friend. Colm explains that he wants to spend what life he has left having interesting conversations and creating music, something to mark his existence, and not wasting it listening to Pádraic's increasingly boring conversations about, among other things, the things he found in his pigmy donkey's shit. To prove he's not larking about, Colm threatens to cut off a finger each time Pádraic tries talking to him. 

This is an extraordinary film that aches with sadness, a film about loss, loneliness, and love both lost and longed for. Visually breathtaking, from the first overhead shot of the cloud covered unnamed desolate and wind swept, yet beautiful, island to the last when the camera flies away the way it came, everything about this film is a delight, every performance and every line of dialogue. 

Written and directed by Martin McDonagh whose previous films include Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and In Bruge, Banshees really is one of the best films I've seen all year. Farrrell, who is the main focus of the film is superb bringing a real sense of bewilderment and confusion to the role as he struggles to understand what has happened to the most important relationship in his life. While Glesson brings true depth and sorrow to the role of his ex-friend who yearns for something more from life, and yet neither character is a cypher, or stereotypical. Neither are perfect, and both men have real depth to their characters, Colm is a snob and Pádraic shows he has a mean streak when pushed. The chemistry between the two men is palpable and gives the film its beating heart. 

Wrapped around these two men are the other inhabitants of this tiny island whose lives are effected, quite profoundly, by their falling out. Pádraic's sister Siobhán (Kerry Condon), a young, self educated woman whose whole life has been spent on the island and too yearns to live, then there's Dominic Kearney (Barry Keoghan) the sexually and physically abused son of the island's only police man, a young man desperate for love. And through all of this there's a mysterious hint of the magical at work, strange portents and hints of what is to come, that only become apparent once the film has ended.

Trailed at the cinema for what seems like months, it's a relief that the trailer doesn't try and overplay the humour of this wonderful film, doesn't try to hint at sinister or mysterious forces at play, it's a film hard to define but perhaps that's part of its undeniable charm.

The ending arrives all too soon and leaves no pat answers or conclusion, there's a resolution of sorts, but as in life, it's neither tidy or conclusive.

It is a brilliantly written black comedy with the humour, as black as coal, wrapped up in expertly written dialogue and well-rounded characters. I loved each and every second of it and this will be one of the few films of this year I'll be buying to keep on blu-ray.

Without a shadow of a doubt a 10/10.

#52 BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA

Starring Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Keanu Reeves, Sadie Frost, Richard E. Grant, Cary Elwes, Tom Waites, Monica Bellucci and Billy Campbell. Written by James V. Hart. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
Music by Mojciech Kilar. budget $40 million. Running time 128 minutes.

When Vlad Dracula the Impaler returns from a holy war against the Turks to discover the love of his life and wife is dead, having taken her own life, when she was misinformed that he was dead, he is somewhat crestfallen. However when his head priest tells him she's going straight to hell he proper loses his rag, desecrates the alter, renounces God and curses the almighty right to his stupid face, thus cursing himself to roam world looking to revenge his wife. 

Sticking closely to the book in terms of its plot, this film is as theatrical as the title. it's a glorious, over-egged delight of a movie, heavily stylised, art directed and lit and embracing as much Victorian melodrama as it can. Filmed using only practical effects and in shot trickery and also studio bound except for a few location shots all helps it achieve a wonderful 'other-wordly' quality. Gary Oldman is brilliant in this channelling his own personal real-life demons to bring some real passion and humanity to the role of Dracula. Likewise Winona Ryder positively pants under the weight of Victorian repressed sexuality as Mina Harker and Elisabeta, Drac's long dead wife. No one brings anything other than an 11 to the proceedings and the film is a wonder because of that. Even poor Keanu Reeves forever ridiculed for his role as Jonathan Harker is good and after all this time, it's hard to remember why he was vilified as much as he was. 

Sadie Frost as Lucy Westenra brings some real raunch to the role of the staggering horny heiress with three suitors - Richard E. Grant, Cary Elwes and Bill Campbell. And her transformation into a vampire is deeply chilling.

It's been 30 years since this last graced the big screen and definitely that long since I've last seen it on the big screen and boy did I enjoy it. So satisfying to see a film made by one man and his obsessive-driven drive and I realise that many craftsmen and artist worked on this, but it was Coppola's baby all along. 

This is a wonderfully over-the-top production, filmed on a studio backlot somewhere without a single optical or digital effect. With a cast as wonderous and a script that never slows down this was a wonderful and delightful movie! 

9/10

#51: THE WOMAN KING

 

Starring Viola Davis, Thuso Mbedu, Lashana Lynch, Sheila Atim and John Boyega, John Boyega, Jimmy Odukoya). Directed by Gina Prince_Bythewood, written by Dana Stevens from a story by Maria Bello and Dana Stevens. Music by Terence Blanchard. Budget $50 million. Running time 135 minutes.

It's 1823 and people of the state of Dahomean, under the benevolent rule of their King Ghezo (John Boyega), are at war with the Oyo Empire and their warlord leader General Oba Ade (Jimmy Odukoya), with villages on both sides being raided and the prisoners raped by the other and sold into slavery to the white Europeans.

However this does not sit well with General Nanisca (Viola Davis) leader of the all-female group of warriors known as the Agojie who wants an end to the slavery.

The film follows the recruiting of a new warrior to the ranks of the Agojie in the guise of a fiesty, firey, speak her mind, orphan called Nawi (Thuso Mbedu) and most of the action revolves around her as she embarks on her training, falls in love with a half-Dahomean called Malik, and takes part in an extraordinary battle that sees her captured along with Lashana Lynch's Izogie and sold to the white slavers. Thus forcing Viola who shares a past with the girl, to defy her king and launch a dangerous attack against the European compound to free the last of the slaves.

This is a truly impressive film that avoids the usual Hollywood cliche and delivers a satisfying, violent and dramatic movie, Viola Davis delivers a career defining performance that roars with power, while Lashana Lynch is superb as fellow Izogie brings real heft to her role. The film cleverly avoids an excess of bloodshed and gore but does not skimp on the violence, and the choice of ignoring Hollywood's hateful practice of shaky cam for filming action in favour of well edited battles is a welcome relief.

Overall this is a gripping, intense and satisfyingly dramatic movie, featuring some wonderful cinematography and excellent performances. It's also a very female centric film from its production to its subject matter and is infinitely stronger because of it. 

Well worth two hours of your life. 9/10

#50 VENGEANCE

Written, directed and starring B. J. Novak, co-starring Boyd Holbrook, J. Smith-Cameron, Issa Rae, Lio Tipton, Dove Cameron, Issa Rae and Ashton Kutcher. Running time 107 minutes.

When New York blogger and journalist Ben Manalowitz receives a phone-call from Ty Shaw (Boyd Holbrook) the brother of a girl Ben dated twice telling him that she's died of an apparent drug overdose while attending an illegal drug party out in the desert he packs his bags and heads off to the oil fields of Texas for her funeral believing it may be subject he can blog about. Once there he discovers that Ty and his family are adamant Abby Shaw never took drugs and believe she was murdered, and her brother wants bloody revenge. Ben's curiosity piqued, he agrees to investigate and is invited to stay with the girl's family while he does so. it's there with the family that Novak provides the emotional core of the film with a group of characters we come to know and like, mother Sharon, sisters Paris and Kansas City, younger brother 'El Stupido' and Granny Carole. It's this rag-tag bunch of seemingly arch characters that first indicate that there's more to this film that you first expect.

What Ben uncovers as he interviews this band of red-necks won't have a profound impact on the world, won't bring governments to their knees, and won't uncover sinister corruption or even a conspiracy at its centre, or involve a rage filled man on a revenge kick, and boy is that refreshing! Although it does feature a car bombing. 

The film follows Ben as he travels around the small town with Abbey's brother Ty and starts to interview her friends, family, an insanely mellow music producer called Quentin Sellers (Ashton Kutcher), a local drug gangster and the various law enforcement agencies involved in the crime to find out what actually happened and who might of killed her and why? 

This is a thoroughly entertaining and enjoyable film and features some excellent work from the cast, especially Kutcher who delivers a wonderful performance as the laid-back music producer who once helped Abby record a demo album. B.J. Novak who writes and stars in this funny, but not LOL funny, black comedy murder mystery isn't really that concerned as to whodunnit, although he does investigate and does provide a solution to the crime, he's more interested in the characters he meets along the way and in playing with our expectations of rural Texan life. The many characters regularly confound expectation and offer us something other than just generic stereotypes.

It's interesting to watch Novak's buttoned up New York blogger getting a reality check and becoming a better person as he pieces together the crime and structures his blog with his producer Eloise (Issa Rae). The film is languid, although never dull and the payoff while never in doubt is still satisfying and rewarding. 

Hats off to Novak for honing such a satisfying and rewarding movie.

8/10

#49 AMSTERDAM

Starring Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Chris Rock, Anya Taylor-Joy, Zoe Saldana, Mike Myers, Michael Shannon, timothy Olyphant, Andrea Riseborough, Taylor Swift, Rami Malek and Robert De Niro. Written and directed by David O. Russell. Music by Daniel Pemberton. Running time 134 minutes. Budget $80 million.

In this day and age of super hero blockbusters and action franchises, it's great that Hollywood, still makes films that try to do something different like this, perhaps it helps if you're David O. Russell, the man behind Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees, American Hustle, The Fighter, Joy and Silver Lining Playlist. It's just a shame the end results are a little dull. 

The story sees three American friends, two soldiers (Harold Woodsman - a lawyer-to-be (John David Washington), Burt Berendsen - a doctor (Christian Bale), and Valerie Voze - a rich socialite nurse and avant-garde artist (Margot Robbie) meet and bond during WWI after the first two are injured in battle. After the war they travel to Amsterdam and live a glorious live together until Burt decides to return to his wife in New York and Valerie disappears from their lives with no warning. 

The film picks up the action 15 years later, with Harold and Burt still friends and working to help war veterans in New York. When their old commanding officer dies in mysterious circumstances, the pair are asked to investigate his death and it's not long before the two men are framed for the murder and on the run from a dangerous secret fascist organisation. Chased and hounded by both the police and the proto-Nazis, the pair's search for truth reunites the three friends and exposes a deadly conspiracy that could lead to the downfall of the Presidency.

This is a gorgeously mounted and beautiful looking film, the cast, ALL of the cast of very well known actors, all at the top of their game, bring their A-Game, and seem to go out of their way to out act their fellow actors. All that is except for the three leads who are all excellent! Their chemistry together is a delight, and Margot dazzles with a beauty and energy that is breathtaking. Meanwhile, the set designs, the costumes, the art direction and indeed everything else is just superb as is the direction. The trouble is that despite being packed to the gills with so much good, the film is somewhat underwhelming and, I'm sorry to say, a little flat. The plot is also extremely labyrinthine in structure, and you're in danger of getting lost unless you keep copious notes. 

As the conspiracy unfolds, great actors are rolled out until Robert De Niro breezes in and shows how acting royalty does it. 

I wish I'd enjoyed this more, it has so much going for it, but sadly I left somewhat unmoved by it all. 

This gets a 9/10 for all the production aspects of this beautiful, glorious looking film, but sadly a 7/10 for overall enjoyment.

#48: MRS HARRIS GOES TO PARIS

Starring Lesley Manville, Isabelle Huppert, Lambert Wilson, Alba Baptista, Lucas Bravo, Ellen Thomas, Rose Williams and Jason Isaacs. Written by Carroll Cartwright, Anthony Fabian, Keith Thompson and Olivia Isaacs. Directed by Anthony Fabian. Running time 115 minutes. Budget $10.4 million.

It's 1957! it's London, a city bright breezy and insanely cheery! A city not riven by racial strife or even racism, where everybody, if they're the working class that is, are loveable, happy in their lot and well up for a sing-song and knees up at their local, while the upperclass are ruthless bag of stinking, greedy, thieving, cheating, bastard scumbags.  

Into this wonderful world of racial harmony strides cleaning lady, invisible mender and war widow Mrs Ada Harris (Lesley Manville) imbued with that plucky, Dunkirk spirit that only the working class can 'ave. She's doing at least 90 different jobs a day to make ends meet and spends her spare time with her best friends, fellow cleaning lady - Vi Butterfield (Ellen Thomas) and cheeky Irish bookie Archie(Jason Isaacs) down their local, doing the pools or attending the dog track in White City.

One day, lovely, plucky Mrs Harris's simple, but frugal and 'umble life, is rocked by a series of incredibly lucky incidents that gifts her more money than sense and sends her off to Paris to buy a Christian Dior dress worth £500. And before you puke your guts up in disgust and contempt at the sheer hideous portrayal of both Paris and London in the 1950s you're swept up in a hideous fairytale of loveliness as Mrs Harris single-handedly saves the House of Dior from financial ruin, unites two young lovers, bonds with the entire Paris down-and-out community (which consists of three old men) and solves the city wide garbage strike all before tea time. That is when she's not falling for a man, insanely wealthy and 'andsome who is only attracted to her because she reminds him of the cleaning lady at his boarding school called Mrs. Mopp.  

Look I hated this, it wasn't my cup of tea at all. Although I saw it with friends who danced out of the cinema, with dewy-eyed delight and smiles as big as the Cheshire Cat's, who claimed I was a miserable old git, that they loved every stinking minute of this vile, hideous puke fest of loveliness. It's the sort of film this country needs right now, apparently, something to take our minds of the shit storm we're living through right now. 

I think they have a point, although I will say after watching this ghastly, wretched, smug-filled sac of shit I went home and watched Hard to Kill, perhaps Steven Seagal's finest movie just to cleanse my cinematic palette.

This film is well outside my comfort zone and despite loathing it with a patience, I can't deny it wasn't well made and that Lesley Manville was bloody good in it.

 6/10

#47: SMILE

 

Starring Sosie Bacon, Jessie T. Usher, Kyle Gallner, Caitlin Stasey, Kal Penn and Rob Morgan. Written and directed by Parker Finn. Based on the short story Laura Hasn't Slept also by Parker Finn. Running time 115 minutes.

Written and directed by Parker Finn and based on a short story also by him, and this is his only film. Phew. 

The plot sees psychiatrist Dr. Rose Cotter, Sosie Bacon, witness a patient cut her own throat with a shard of broken vase whilst wearing a huge grin, or smile if you will. What happens next will try your patience and leave you edgy, irritable and aware once again that you've wasted another 115 minutes of your life that you're not getting back, no matter how many letters you write to your MP. 

In order to try and replicate the use of JUMP SCARES in this film, I shall be suddenly introducing bold and all-cap words, without any warning.

After the initial death of the first patience who claimed she was being stalked by something that kept smiling at her, Cotter begins to realise that the same something is hunting her. This causes the foundations of her logic and science ordered world to be rocked by the supernatural as Cotter begins to experience events THAT make all around her assume she's gone doo-lally. First her boss puts her on paid leave, then her fiancee leaves her, her sister disowns her and someone kills her cat. Luckily HER ex boyfriend, who just so happens to be a cop investigating the suicide of the patient believes her story and discovers that the patient witnessed her own college professor kill himself a week earlier and that he himself witnessed someone else kill themselves and so on and so FORTH. So it becomes clear that some sort of curse is hunting her. 

The JUMP SCARES begin in the first few minutes, as the viewer is bombarded by a lazy sludge of SHOCKS, that arrive every five minutes, indeed these are used so frequently in lieu of anything resembling actual scares, or anything unsettling that they soon become comical and elicit LAUGHTER not fear and are also annoyingly repetitive.

Cotter is an unlikeable character and there's a sense of Schadenfreude at her expense. The film wearily drags us and her to A double ending that's signposted and uses yet another trope that generates both the biggest groan of the whole film and also the film's funniest moment.

This is a clumsy, STUPID film which has at its core an interesting idea, that of a victim of the supernatural trying to turn the tables on their adversary, but it's all so CLUMSY and stymied by the jump cuts that it's just a TEDIOUS test of your patience.

Interesting aside, the film's tag line is also a warning, sadly it's a warning that you only realise once you've left the cinema, and realise your life is now shorter. 

Smile? I doubt you will, although I certainly did and for all the wrong reasons.

4/10
 

 

#46: AVATAR

Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Stephen Lang, Michelle Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver. Written and directed by James Cameron. Music by James Horner. Running time 162 minutes. Budget $237 million (original) $9 million (re-release). Box office $2.878 billion!!!!! 

It's been 22 years since Avatar was originally released and stormed the world and box office claiming the prize of biggest ever box office, although adjusted for inflation it's apparently only 14th in North America box office, but worldwide it's second to Gone With the Wind. 

The plot sees Jake Sully, a crippled marine vet, sent to the planet Pandora to pilot a 10ft tall blue avatar (hence the title) for a corporation trying to strip-mine a rain forrest the size of a planet of a substance called Unobtainium. The trouble is there's this indigenous race of blue skinned warriors called the Na'Vi who just happen to be living on top of the biggest deposit of Unobtanium known to man. 

After that it's a case of white saviour rescuing the noble savage from corporate greed. It's the Wild West in space, Dances With Alien Wolves, if you will. As Jake discovers the hero within thanks to these blue-skinned warrior natives. 

Look, that chances are you've probably seen this, I'd be surprised if you haven't. I saw it back in the day, more than once. I even owned it on DVD and Blu Ray. And despite enjoying it greatly when first released, I've found rewatching at home a somewhat tedious and dull experience. With news of the sequel finally arriving this December and the chance to rewatch this on the big screen in 3D I decided to give it another go. 

Bloody hell, that was fun! Back on the big screen, this looks amazing! Cameron knows how to frame action and how to direct the shit out of this sort of thing. He's truly is the King of the World in that respect. And I know the story is pants, the logic is poor, the motivation is lame, I know, I know, I know. But I still thoroughly enjoyed this! Films come to life on the big screen, and seeing this again was a delight. The effect haven't aged, this still looks cutting edge and impressive, there's no 'uncanny valley' going on here. the flying sequences on the dragons is truly vertiginous. The lush look of the environments and the multitude of flora is staggering, less so the rather stupid six-legged creatures, but regardless the look of this film and the special effects are without a doubt note-perfect. 

The story, is boys own adventure and at times very cringey, but boy this looks good. Great action and with the glorious over-the-top baddie, played by Stephen Lang to give us someone to boo and hiss at. 

The 3D becomes warring very quickly and I still contest brings absolutely nothing to the table, because you so quickly get used to it and forget, plus it darkens the whole film and makes it rather murky. 

I feel enthused now for the new film, which I'm sure was the reason for this re-release.

8/10

#45: DON'T WORRY DARLING

Starring Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, Olivia Wilde, Chris Pine, KiKi Layne, Gemma  Chan and Nick Kroll. Written by Katie Silberman, Story by Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke and Katie Silberman. Directed by Olivia Wilde. Music by John Powell. Budget $35 million. Running time 123 minutes. 

POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT.

It's the 1950s, that golden golden age of America, and in an undisclosed California desert location newly-weds Alice and Jack Chambers (Florence Pugh and Harry Styles) are living in a specially-built, company town in the headquarters of a super secret program called the Victory Project.

Each morning the husbands, all immaculately-dressed, set off in a range of immaculate classic 50s styled cars, while their immaculately made-up women folk wave them off from the front gardens of their immaculately maintained, ethnically diverse cul-de-sac. The men are all working for the Victory Project on a super-secret project involving 'progressive materials'. The wives live under one golden rule - 'Don't go into the desert' - spend their days as house-wives cleaning, cooking, shopping and looking after their husband's every need, arranging pool and dinner parties for their husband's boss, Harry (Chris Pine) and his wife Shelley(Gemma Chan).

The weather is always perfect, Alice and Jack are very much in love, and seem to have sex at every opportunity, and everything seems fantastically rosey in Alice's world. So why does she have niggling doubts, and why is she having strange flashes or weirdness, and why has one of her friends just killed herself and just what's out there in the desert?

Directed by Olivia Wilde, who also plays Bunny (Alice's best friend) this is good looking and well mounted movie with a very troubled production, which involved falling-outs, walk-outs, sackings, recasting, romance and reshoots.

The cast is excellent, particularly Florence Pugh, who carries this film, and Harry Styles shows he can do more than just sing nice. Likewise, Chris Pine in a supporting role, brings a terrific sense of menace and malevolence to proceedings. The production design is terrific, the costumes, the sets and the music are all note perfect, Wilde directs with determination and mounts it well, and yet all this is a given, it's the literal icing on the cake, because the proof is in the pudding. 

This is a film that you know going into has to have a sting in its tail, a twist, a M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong moment, if you will, upon which the entire edifice, like a house of cards, has been precariously built. But will it be worth the 123 minutes running time wait to get to, or will you somewhat groan having sort of guessed what was going on well before the end. 

The secret at the end of this just about works, although you'll be left with many unanswered and somewhat frustrating questions. It shouldn't come as any surprise to learn that the plot of this film, is fuelled by masculine toxicity and is a reworking of the classic 1972 SF thriller The Stepford Wives, although with a 21st Century wrinkle in the reveal. There are hints of something else going on at the edges of the story, a sense of intrigue, but these are never developed any further. 

It works because Pugh gives it her all, she really carries this film and her relationship with Wilde is superb, but sadly it fails because it's a tad too obvious. When you are finally told what's actually going on it's all a bit too 'ooh' when it should have been 'Oooooh my god!'

It's certainly not dull, it looks good, actually it looks great! The wind-up to the knock-out punch is exciting and gripping, but sadly it ultimately fails to land a knock-out punch and overall feels just a little too on the button for its own good.

7/10 

#44: SEE HOW THEY RUN

 

Starring: Sam Rockwell, Saoirse Ronan, Adrien Brody, David Oyelowo, Ruth Wilson, Reece Shearsmith, Harris Dickinson, Charlie Cooper, Shirley Henderson, Pippa Bennett-Warner, Pearl Chanda, Paul Chahidi, Sian Clifford, Jacob Fortune-Lloyd, Lucian Msamati and Tim Key. Written by Mark Chappell. Directed by Tom George. Running time 98 minutes.

Sam Rockwell is great in everything he's done. Indeed I would contest he's never made a bad film. He may have appeared in a bad film, but I put it to you, m'lord that he wasn't bad in that film. Unless of course that film is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when he was badly miscast as Zaphod Beeblebrox. But I digress and I'm only in the second paragraph. Actually the worst bit of casting in THGTTG wasn't Sam Rockwell but Mos Def as Ford Prefect, but that's another review for another time. 

ANYWAY.

See How They Run. The first Hollywood film to attempt to duplicate the success of the vastly superior Knives Out, and desperate to cash in on the cinema public's apparent appetite for whodunnit murder mysteries fuelled by the likes of the inferior remakes of Murder on the Orient Express and Death on the Nile .

Set in London's theatre land in 1953, SHTR sees arrogant Hollywood writer Leo Köpernick (Adrien Broody) murdered backstage at the after show party honouring the 100th performance of Agatha Christie's The Mouse Trap - the world's longest running theatre show. His body dumped on stage. 

Enter stage right, world-weary Inspector Stoppard (Sam Rockwell) and plucky, eager, but inept sidekick Constable Stalker (Saoirse Ronan) on the case and hunting the killer. Using every device in the whodunnit playbook including flashback, split screen, narration, misdirection, multiple points of view, and foreshadowing all told with the comedy dial cranked up to 11. Each of the cast is interviewed and briefly held up to be the possible murderer, but as the bodies pile up the actual reveal is impossible to guess through deduction. I guessed it because it couldn't be anyone else.

Sadly it's the comedy that provides the film's undoing. Because it's played as a broad comedy, almost as theatrically as The Play What Went Wrong, the film has nowhere to go, no peril, no jeopardy, no drama and absolutely no stakes. That coupled with the fact that several of the characters are actual real-life people, Richard Attenbough (Harris Dickinson) and Agatha Christie (Shirley Henderson) all conspire to give the film a strange, somewhat clumsy feel. And overall it never really engages, it feels a little flat and when Rockwell and Ronan are off screen a tad dull.

While the film looks superb, and the cast lead by Sam Rockwell and Saoirse Ronan are all good, although sadly due to the size of the cast, none of these extremely gifted actors are given nearly enough screen time to shine. 

Murder mysteries only success on the strength of their lead heroes and this is where See How They Run delivers in spades! Rockwell and Ronan have great chemistry together and their characters give this film a real heart, despite finding this film somewhat disappointing I'm hoping they get another crack at solving a murder, they deserve it. But only if the excellent Tim Key comes back as their boss.

I doubt this will run and run, but it was kinda fun.

7/10

#43: JAWS

 

Starring Roy Scheider,  Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw, Lorraine Gray and Murray Hamilton. Written by Peter Benchley and Carl Gottlieb. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Music by John Williams. Budget $9 million. Running time 124 minutes. Originally released in 1975.

The plot sees Police Chief Martin Broody start a new job on Amity Island on the very day a rogue 25 foot long Great White, or Carcharodon Carcharias if you prefer, starts using the costal town as his own personal all-you-can-eat buffet bar. 

As the body count starts rising, sea-phobic Brody aided by marine biologist Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) and fisherman Quint (Robert Shaw) set out in a boat to bag themselves a shark. 

What follows, without a shadow of a doubt, is one of the best films ever made and one of, if not, the best films of Steven Spielberg's illustrious career. And if you love the cinema and this film isn't in your top ten movies of all-times then you're not a film lover. It's note-perfect, has a perfect three-act structured, no soggy middle and still feels daisy fresh and exciting even after 47 years. It's been copied, studied and repeated but never bettered. Plus it's acknowledged as the first summer blockbuster, so you can legitimately blame every single crappy summer blockbuster that's followed on this and Steven Spielberg.

Filmed exclusively on location and with no sets, Jaws has a realistic, almost documentary feel about it and the three lead actors, all of whom weren't the first choice for their roles each give outstanding career defining performances. The night-time galley meal conversation onboard the fishing vessel Orca as the three men bond over battle-scar stories is a masterclass in acting, writing and directing.  

If you've never seen it then now's the time to go! Because this new 4K 3D print is superb and actually enhances the film and I'm not a fan of 3D.

First released back in 1975, I was 12 when I first saw it one New Year's Day and I've lost count of the number of times I've seen it since. This is another film that I cannot fault in anyway and even after all these years I still found myself tensing up at certain moments and telling Charlie to swim faster! That plus the legendary crash zoom still makes me gasp. 

They truly don't make films like this anymore. More's the pity. Drop everything and go see it now!

10/10

#42: CRIMES OF THE FUTURE

 

Written and directed by David Cronenberg. Starring Viggo Mortensen, Lea Seydox and Kristen Stewart. Music by Howard Shore. Budget $27 million. Running time 107 minutes.

Welcome to Crimes of the Future, David Cronenberg's first cinema outing since 2014's Map to the Stars, and his fourth to star Viggo Mortensen.   

It's the near future and thanks to advances in biotechnology, humans have begun evolving in new and surprising ways to such an extent that pain is now a thing of the past, as is infection. Meanwhile machines/human interfaces are so common that most people sleep in organic beds and eat in special body-hugging chairs that interface with the digestive process. Meanwhile, the streets are filled with groups of people performing unsanctioned street surgery, or visiting visceral performance art installations. 

It's through Viggo Mortensen's character Saul Tenser, a world-renowned performance artist, that we are introduced to this strange new world. Saul Tenser suffers from a medical condition called Accelerated Evolution Syndrome, which means his body is constantly growing new internal organs, that are then removed by his lover, partner and video biographer Caprice (Lea Seydox) in sold-out out underground art shows. As you can imagine, this has made Tenser something of a legend in the world of internal organ growth and for two representatives of the National Organ Registry Timlin (Kristen Stewart) and Wippet (Don McKellar) in particular, who are keen to get him to register each new growth as it happens.

What they don't know is that Tenser is actually an undercover cop working with Detective Cope (Welket Bungué) to expose a radical group of radical evolutionists lead by Lang Dotrice (Scott Speedman).

Throw into that mix a televised child autopsy, a beauty pageant for the insides, and a couple of murderers armed with cordless power drills and what you have is the most unsettling film of the year. 

Unfortunately, despite a game cast, a superb sound track by Howard Shore, some truly impressive practical effects, and Cronenberg's exceptional eye, this is a film that sadly fails to either engage or ignite. It feels like Cronenberg, but it also feels like we've been here before and that he's already explored some of these ideas far more interestingly in films like Rabid, Videodrome, The Brood, The Fly and eXistenZ. And nothing here feels as shocking or disgustingly or as compelling as those previous tour-de-forces.

It's so wonderful so see Cronenberg making films for the big screen and it's a thrill to watch one of his unique body horror genre movies up there 10 metres tall, so it's disappointing when the film abruptly ends leaving you with more questions than you had going in. 

A shockingly visual experience that asks the big question: What if edible plastic came in toxic chocolate bars, but then fumbles the answer by tattooing the answer on the inside of someone's liver.

All that said it's still so goddam freaky and nasty that it truly deserves an 8/10