#2: THE 355

Starring Jessica Chastain, Diane Kruger, Lupita Nyong'o Penélope Cruz, Sebastian Stan, Édgar Ramírez and  Fan Bingbing. Written by Theresa Rebeck and directed by Simon Kinberg. Budget $40 - 75 mill. Running time 123 minutes.

There's this computer thingie that can crack any code, break into any system and hack any computer and best of all it works off a mobile phone. So when it's stolen and turns up on the market, the whole world and its dog, well at least the whole world of intelligence services and their dogs literally fall over themselves to own it for themselves. Cut to an endless round of cross and double-cross and high-jinx shenanigans as five female members of a variety of intelligences agencies, lead by top C.I.A agent Jessica Chastain all team-up, overcome their differences, and travel from one exotic location to the next in order to save the world, and kick-ass and shoot the living shit out of a variety of bad men, lead by one very bad man at the top, who's finally killed by a man! (not a spoiler).

This is balls-out action movie (or should that be Vag-out action movie?), which despite all it's hi-tech doo-dahs, is rather old fashioned in its plot and story. Imagine Mission Impossible, but done much more cheaply and featuring an all-female gang of agents fighting an endless supply of bad men, because never forget all men are bad and you have The 355, a rather poe-faced action-packed slog that starts off very well and then just slowly pisses all that good will up a wall at the pace of a 60 year-old man with an enlarged prostate and you have the 355. 

Not terrible, just a bit too by the numbers and a little bit too earnest and a little too happy to let you play cliche bingo with all its plot points and contrivances for its own good. And don't start asking questions about the plot holes and you'll be told no lies. 

There comes a point, quite late in the proceedings, when a female Chinese spy enters the picture and gives a rather offensive speech about how good the Chinese secret service is in helping protect the world. Shame it won't do anything to protect its own people or democracy, but you know, that's what happens when you get funding for your film from China, you have to pay the fiddler.   

It's a film that keen to show the old adage that the female of the species is more deadly than the male is 100% true, girlfriend, while dressing its drop-dead gorgeous cast in killer heels and the fabulous haute couture imaginable, then getting them to play up their stereotypes to get what they need from gullible men.

5/10