#8: UNCHARTERED

 

Starring Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Sophia Ali, Tait Gabrielle and Antonio Banderas. Written by Rafe Lee Judkins, Art Marcum and Matt Holloway. Directed by Ruben Fleischer. Budget $120 million. Running time 116 minutes. 12A

Welcome to the world of Uncharted, a film based on a hugely successful series of games, starring Spider Man, Zorro, and the world's highest paid actor of 2017, Marky Mark Wahleberg.

Considering that this film took 14 years to make, burned through seven different directors, and at least 15 writers you'd assume you were about to witness a perfect, mistake-free, beautifully written, superbly directed and utterly stunning 10/10 movie wouldn't you?

And you would be wrong.

This is another generic, bland and excitement-free plod through a by-the-numbers, dreary plot that sees our unpleasant hero, a good-looking mugger and sneak thief Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) team up with a habitual liar and con-artist Victor Sully (Mark Wahlberg) to lie, cheat and steal their way to the resting place of Magellan's  legendary haul of gold regardless of anyone who gets in their way. Along the way they lock horns with a fellow treasure-hunter Moncada (Antonio Banderas) - a psychotic, ruthless industrialist with murderous daddy issues and his hired killer - Braddock (Tait Gabrielle) a blood-thirsty mercenary, who is so good with a knife that she manages to graphically cut someone's throat without spilling a single drop of blood. 

Using Magellan's map and a notebook written by Drake's long lost brother, everybody casually strolls across the globe from one clue to the next and from one rather dull stunt to the next. Characters double-cross each other in every other scene and their numbers are whittled down until the final gravity-defying, physics-free, logic-ignoring, aerial CGI showdown onboard a couple of century-old galleons slung beneath massive helicopters.

They all spend a veritable fortune in their greedy, money-obsessed quests for more wealth and you're left feeling the only positive virtue any of these utter shitholes has is naked avarice. 

This film uses that old technique of opening with an action packed sequence taken from later on in the plot, with Drake hanging out the back of a cargo plane. This is a ruse by the film makers to make you think you're in for an exciting and fun-filled thrill ride. The trouble is, because it's so utterly impossible for this to be a real-life stunt rather than just another CGI splurge you have no engagement, it's just pixels washing over you, it's just another cutscene. And ultimately this is a film made up of cutscenes taken from a game someone else is playing. 

If you put your brain in a box, ignore the gapping plot holes and the continuity issues. Embrace the fact that all of these characters are utterly despicable and murder with total impunity you're still going to have a dull time, because this is no Moonfall. This is a bland, dreary, and boring film with an unpleasant centre that manages to be both dull and un-engaging in equal measure.

You find yourself reminded of all the films that inspired the game in the first place like, the Raiders of the Lost Arc movies or Nicolas Cage's two National Treasure movies or even, god forbid, the Davinci Code and you'll actually realise you'd much rather be home watching one of those (except for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, cos everyone knows that's a piece of shit) rather than this lazy, dull, chemistry free mood board of a movie. Actually, come to think of it, I'd rather rewatch Crystal Skull again than this cinematic semi-chubby.

Then once it's all over, it sequel baits like a pathetic, ugly puppy begging for dinner scraps.

4/10 for the scenery.