FILMS OF 2022

With two weeks to go before the end of this year (what!? How did that happen?) I have decided to publish my review of the year now rather than later.

As a result I might have to revise the list, should I manage to make it to the cinema again this year to see, say Whitney Huston: I Wanna Dance, which is actually the only new film I want to see from the list of mediocrity on offer at Cineworld this month.

Anyhoo, as of this year, somehow I managed to see 60 films at cinema despite there being a distinct lack of movies on offer as opposed to pre-pandemic years. This year I've struggled some months to find something new at my local 12 screen cinema, and the usual summer glut of big blockbusters was greatly reduced this year.

The one good thing about this state of affairs is the re-issuing classic movies, a trend I hope continues on and on. Nothing beats getting a chance to revisit old favourites on the big screen again and my original TOP TEN list was originally filled with those films. However, for this list, only new films released at the cinema were reviewed and rated.

TOP TEN OF 2022

1. LICORICE PIZZA 10/10
"Like liquorice itself this film might not be to everyone's taste, but for me, it was a cinematic manna."

2. BANSHEES OF INISHERIN 10/10
"It is a brilliantly written black comedy with humour, as black as coal, wrapped up in expertly written dialogue and well-rounded, believable characters."

3. LIVING 9/10
"A total delight and joy."

4. NOPE 9/10
"At times, funny, scary and downright exhilarating. It's one of the best films of the summer, if not year." 

5. THE WOMAN KING 9/10
"This is a gripping, intense and satisfyingly dramatic movie, featuring some wonderful cinematography and excellent performances."

6. THE BAT MAN 9/10
"I bloody loved this and will be going back to see it again!*" 

7. UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT 8/10
"... a bloody, laugh-out-loud, funny film that succeeds entirely thanks to the wonderful bro-mance between Cage and Pascal."

8. TOP GUN: MAVERICK 8/10
"... featuring real footage that'll have you on the edge of your seat, holding your breathe and whooping with delight."

9. AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER 8/10
"Visually this film is a staggering masterpiece, it's a cinematic spectacle that needs to be seen on the biggest screen possible."

10. EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE 8/10
"in a sea of mediocrity this stands like a big shiny beacon of hope."

(* I didn't.)

ALL THE REST

11. THE ELECTRICAL LIFE OF LOUIS WAIN 8/10

12. BRIAN AND CHARLES 8/10 

13. NORTHMAN 8/10

14. HATCHING 8/10

15. BODIES BODIES BODIES 8/10

16. ELVIS 8/10

17. CONFESS, FLETCH 8/10

18. DOC STRANGE: ITMOM 8/10

19. THE DUKE 8/10

20. OPERATION MINCEMEAT 8/10

21. CRIMES OF THE FUTURE 8/10

22. NIGHTMARE ALLEY 8/10

23. BELFAST 8/10

24. VENGEANCE 8/10

25. DON'T WORRY DARLING 7/10

26. SEE HOW THEY RUN 7/10

27. JACKASS FOREVER 7/10

28. THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER 7/10

29. BULLET TRAIN 7/10

30. DOG 7/10

31. AMSTERDAM 7/10

32. AMBULANCE 7/10

33. PHANTOM OF THE OPEN 7/10

34. VIOLENT NIGHT 6/10

35. MRS HARRIS GOES TO PARIS 6/10

36. BLACK PANTHER: WANKAS FOREVER 6/10

37. FANTASTIC SECRET BREASTS OF DUMBLEDORE 6/10

38. DEATH ON THE NILE 6/10

39. BLACK PHONE 6/10

40. MOONFALL 6/10

41. THE LOST CITY 6/10

42. MINIONS THE RISE OF GRU 6/10

43. LIGHTYEAR 5/10

TOP SIX RE-ISSUES

1. JAWS 10/10
"one of the best films ever made."

2. ROBOCOP 10/10

3. STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN 10/10 

4. BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA 9/10 

5. AVATAR 8/10 

6. E.T: THE EXTRA TERRESTRAL 8/10

WORST FILMS OF 2022 (IN DESCENDING ORDER)

10. THE LOST CITY 6/10
"I just wish it had been funnier and more frothy, say like the trailer. Beyond that. I have nothing more to add. It didn't fill me with rage or bile, and I quite liked it."

9. MINIONS THE RISE OF GRU 6/10
"a lot more middling than I was expecting and surprisingly low in the laughter department."

8. LIGHTYEAR 5/10
"very generic, rather dull story with nothing new to say."

7. THE 355 5/10
"... too earnest and a little too happy to let you play cliche bingo with all its plot points and contrivances for its own good."

6. DOWNTOWN ABBEY 4/10
"To say I hated this despicable pile of cinematic tripe would be an insult to all those terrible films that I've had to sit through in the past." 

4. UNCHARTED 4/10
"... a bland, dreary, and boring film with an unpleasant centre that manages to be both dull and un-engaging in equal measure."

5. BLACK ADAM 3/10
"Apparently this steaming pile of cinematic feces heralds a new beginning for the DCU and if this is the case god help us all."

3. MORBIUS 3/10
"This is a dull, boring, 'Meh' movie, one that is just utterly predictable and genuinely unmemorable."

2. FIRESTARTER 3/10
"... Sadly in the third act, I really couldn't be arsed any more and dozed off, meaning I had to go online to find out how it ended.

Thank god I missed that, my blood would have boiled."

1. JURASSIC PARK: DOMINION 3/10 
"My son, wisely refused to come with the rest of us to see this and by doing so missed out on the best part of the evening – sitting in bar afterwards laughing at it and slagging off just how shit this shit-filled, shitty shitfest was." 

#60: AVATAR THE WAY OF WATER

 

Directed by James Cameron, written by James Cameron, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver. Story by James Cameron, Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Josh Friedman and Shane Salerno, Based on characters created by James Cameron. Produced by James Cameron and Jon Landau. Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang and Kate Winslet. 193 minutes long. Budget $350-400 million dollars!

It's been 13 years, but now, at last here it comes, the long awaited (as asked for by absolutely no-one) sequel to the BIGGEST GROSSING FILM OF ALL TIME, the first in a promised four-film, EPIC saga, which sees the return of the much-loved characters of James P. 'Sulley' Sullivan the 7-foot, 8 inch blue-skinned alien and his blue-skinned girlfriend played by Zoe Saldana. This time aided by their crazy family of kids they're off for more shits and giggles on the planet of Pandora.

Best summed up as a sort of The Partridge Family meets Jaws via Apocalypse Now. Our 'eagerly awaited (by no-one) return' to Pandora sees the Sky People (Earth) return to Pandora determined to finish off what that last lot couldn't, causing James P. Sulley to take up arms to fight off the interlopers and their polluting ways.

But this time Earth has a secret weapon in its arsenal, Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), "but wait," I hear you ask. "Didn't he die at the end of the last one?" Why yes he did. "So, how is he back?" Well, that would be telling. But his character is the most interesting thing in this.

The story sees James P. Sulley literally run away and hide out at the seaside with his family to avoid an escalating conflict with the massively pissed off humans and that's where the film sinks down into a world that James Cameron loves, the underwater world, because that's where we spend most of the film, and we're better off because of it.

Make no mistake, this film is a visual masterpiece! In fact, it's so utterly and stunningly beautiful, that it entirely negates the rather generic plot, which is a good thing, because the plot is almost entirely propelled by a group of kids who manage to get themselves captured and recaptured consistently to advance the plot, while the adult leads are left to pop their heads around the corner every now and again, when things lag, just to remind the viewer there is a story. 

There are several continuity issues or plot holes that niggle, at one junction a group of characters completely disappear, because the situation they were in would have been too easily resolved if they'd stayed, and while the story isn't as flabby as the first, it is filled with some risible dialogue that at times caused widespread spontaneous unintentional laughter.

However there is one subplot involving Stephen Lang's character and a human boy, gone feral on Pandora called Spider which offers a truly fascinating dynamic, as does Stephen Lang's coming to terms with the fact he's somehow returned from the dead.

Visually this film is a staggering masterpiece, it's a cinematic spectacle that needs to be seen on the biggest screen possible and not at home where none of this astonishing visual majesty will come across. 

Cameron's direction is as always, sharp and tight, well framed and mounted and with no shaky cam, you see every arrow and bullet strike, the action is brutal, pounding and superbly edited, the effects, animation, textures, lighting, rigging, and modelling are so flawless that you stop even seeing them as anything other than real. Likewise the 3D is the best I have ever seen, and is truly immersive.

If you want to see something that's visually genuinely remarkable, filled with great action, peerless special effects and something that literally takes you to another world than this is for you, however if a searing social or emotional drama is what you're after then this isn't for you. But if you've been as bored rigid as I have by this year's glut of lacklustre churned-out Super Hero movies then this is a much welcomed change. But be warned, at 193 minutes, it's bum-numbingly long and you'll want to avoid liquids and get your loo breaks in early if you're to last the distance.

6/10 for the story. 10/10 for every goddam glorious pixel. Aggregate score 8/10

#59: VIOLENT NIGHT

 

Starring David Harbour, John Leguizamo, Alex Hassell, Alexis Louder, Edi Patterson, Cam Gigandet, Leah Brady and Beverley D'Angelo. Written by Pat Caey and Josh Miller. Directed by Tommy Wirkola. Budget $20 million. Running time 112 minutes.

The plot, can be summed up perfectly by the what was said in the pitch meeting, which I have it on good authority was this - "It's Die Hard 1 & 2 meets Miracle on 53rd St and Home Alone."

And that's it. In this, a gang of generic bad guys led by John Leguizamo invade the house of an insanely rich Matriarcal family, kill all the servants (quite horribly), and hold the family hostage, while the Christmas crimbos try to break in the family vault so that they can steal lots of money. Unluckily for them, Santa Claus (David Harbour) is trapped in the house with them and he's suffering from a series case of the Christmas blues. Luckily for him, there's a little girl who's there to rekindle his Christmas spirit, as he lays waste to an army of nameless goons in a brutal orgy of violence and blood letting, although because this is the 21st Century gouts of blood aren't allowed, although sledge hammers into knees, faces, skulls and groins are absolutely fine.

And that's the story. You happily play 'guess the dialogue' with this one, I scored an impressive 90 pts, by correctly guessing the very next line of dialogue (10 pts per line), so why not play along and see how many you can score.

Leaving no 1980's action movie cliche un-sampled this really is a masterclass in post-it note writing, that trick of writing down not plot points but action beats lifted from your favourite films on post-it notes and sticking them on a board and then rearranging them into a 'plot'. After that it's just a matter of giving a line of guff for one of the characters to speak. Unfortunately the two writers, come undone when they realise they can't provide lines to all their cast leaving many to literally stand around while others do stuff. Along with the action beats our two plucky writers waste no effort in recycling tried and tested ideas lifted from all their favourite Christmas films. Although a hinted at 'origin' story for this St. Nick is quite welcomed, going a way to explain Santa's lethal abilities. 

The servants are giving very short thrift in this, as they are all brutally massacred, while their rich masters, the family, who all deserve horrible deaths emerge relatively unscathed. There's an incredibly savage Home Alone rift late in the second act which sees a series of the criminals quite savagely killed by a little girl, who seems utterly unfazed by the deaths her Home Alone inspired bobby traps cause.

That said, the action beats are funny, David Harbour and John Leguizamo (his second film of the week for me!) are game, but poor Beverley D'Angelo feels wasted and seems to spend most of the time getting punched in the face. Sadly the film loses momentum in the middle when we spend far too long time with Santa and the little girl as they talk over a pair of kid's two-way radios, mimicking Die Hard again.

The film builds to an obvious ending and just as you're wondering what's with the chimney stack in the garden, we're done and Santa has his mojo back, the little girl's separated parents back together again, and all the crimbos are horribly and  brutally dead, I mean really horribly dead, so you know. Happy Christmas everyone.

Overall, It's quite fun, rather silly and very violent. It certainly won't win any awards for originality. Particularly in light of the fact it's only been two years since Mel Gibson donned the red suit for The Fatman, another violent Santa movie. Consider it a stocking filler rather than a main present and you shouldn't be too disappointed. 

6/10 

#58: THE MENU

 

Starring Ralph Fiennes, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult, Hong Chau, Janet McTeer, Reed Birney, Judith Light and John Leguizamo. Written by Seth Reiss and Will Tracy. Directed by Mark Mylod. Budget $30 million. Running time 106 minutes.

Anya Taylor-Joy is Morgan, a last-minute replacement dinner date brought along by her boyfriend, obsessive foodie, Tyler to an insanely expensive $1200 a-head multi-course tasting menu at the legendary Hawthorne, the most exclusive restaurant in the world. Built on a beautiful and remote island, where all the food served for the meal is grown, harvested or foraged, and where all the staff live all year round. The controlling gastronomic genius behind the whole venue is Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) whom the staff love with an undying loyalty and total commitment to his passion, vision and dream. The guests though are another matter, a bunch of rich, entitled, arogant and ignorant 1%ers who seem to think their shit don't stink and expect to be treated like accordingly, but it seems Slowik has other plans... 

What follows, as the film deconstructs its cast of characters, like an exploded Black Forrest Gateaux on Masterchef, is a black, as squid ink, comedy thriller as we discover what each of the guests have done to ruin Slowik's love and passion for cooking. 

Funny, very funny at times, and sinister the cast is good, especially Taylor-Joy who gives the film its only glimmer of hope, but she's ably backed up by the always excellent Fiennes. Each of the other characters offer much to enjoy in the shape of their back stories, none more so than John Leguizamo's George Diaz, a washed up actor who's now making travel docs where he tastes wonderful food, his reason for being on Slowik's shit list is hilarious.

A very funny film, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Well worth a nibble.

8/10