#23: ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, MARGARET

 

Starring Abby Ryder Forston, Elle Graham, Rachel McAdams, Kathy Bates, Benny Safdie, Echo Kellum. Written and directed by Kelly Fremon Craig, adapted from a book by Judy Blume. Budget $30 million. Running time 106 minutes.

It's 1970 New York City and when 12 year-old Margaret Simon(Abby Ryder Forston), moves away from her beloved home and Jewish grandmother, Sylvia (Kathy Bates) with her mum, ex-Christian Barbara (Rachel McAdams) and lapsed Jewish father, Herb (Benny Safdei) she thinks her world has ended. However five minutes in her new home in New Jersey and Margaret already has a new best friend, Nancy (Ellie Grahma) and a new teacher Mr. Benedict (Echo Kellum). 

Her new bestie, an insanely precocious Nancy is obsessed with four things. Periods, boobs, boys, and socks and wastes no time initiating Margaret into her secret club along with fellow pre-teens Gretchen (Katherine Kupferer) and Janie Lomis (Amari Alexis). Together the four friends come to terms with all of the above, and their first willy, in this charming, gentle, sweet and very funny comedy about coming of age. Although beneath the literally life-changing tribulations of a young girl's struggle with puberty is an interesting examination of religion and whether it has any place in her life. And this ultimately provides the most interesting aspect of the film. Initially I was mortified when Old Jeff, as i called him, reared his huge bearded omni-present head fearing the film was about to become descend into some hideous god affirming movie, but was delighted to discover that just as Margaret struggles with impending puberty she's also struggling to decide whether religion should play a part in her life, especially after her new teacher, Mr. Benedict asks her to write a term paper on her lack of religion. Being that she's from a Jewish/Christian background and her friends are either Baptist or Catholic she gets to experience them all in search of the question, 'Are you there God?'.

Lovely performances all round and featuring no car crashes, robots, aliens, superheroes or gun battles. The sort of film that puts warmth into your heart, a spring in your step, and a smile on your face. And with a totally excellent soundtrack of classic 1970s pre-disco music to accompany it all.

Thoroughly enjoyable and now all together: 'WE MUST, WE MUST. WE MUST IMPROVE OUR BUST!'

8/10

#22: FAST AND FURIOUS: FAST X

 

Starring Vin Diesel, Jason Momoa, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Bridges, John Cena, Nathalie Emmanuel, Jordana Brewster, Sung Kang Scott Eastwood, Daniela Melchior, Alan Ritchson, Helen Mirren, Brie Larson, Rita Moreno, Jason Statham, and Charlize Theron, with a cameo from Gal Gadot. Written by Dan Mazeau and Justin Lin, from a story by Dan Mazeau, Justin, Lin and Zach Dean. Directed by Louis Leterrier. Budget $340 million. Running time 141 minutes.

There is almost no point in trying to synopsise this film, ultimately it doesn't matter one jot as no-one involved, apart from Vim Weasel cares. But it concern's Dom Toretto (Wim Weevil)'s expanded family of thieves and murderers going on the run after the previously unknown son of the Brazilian drug baron, Dante (Jason Momoa) turns up to kill everyone, but only after they've been made to suffer horribly. Targeting Dom Cornetto's son only makes him, Dim Viesel, madder leading him to scour even more earnestly. Meanwhile the film quickly splits up Dong Tourette's family giving almost every member of the massive cast their own little story as they jet around Europe looking for missing cast mates. New characters are introduced including a gorgeous Alan Ritchson, who would make a simply fantastic Doc Savage. Old characters are re-introduced, old enemies become frenemies and only Dwayne Johnson's Luke Hobbes is noticeable by his absence. 

This globe hopping spy action adventure film is quite frankly and quite honestly the single funniest none comedy I have ever seen. Indeed, I can't remember the last time I've laughed as long or as hard and it's most certainly the funniest film I've seen this year. 

Starting off way too earnestly for its own good and giving old egg-head Pin Wheedle the opportunity to attempt acting, something he's just not that good at. This film tries, and fails, to make you care one iota about this band of violent criminals and fails spectacularly, no one cares about them, they just want stunts and boy do they get them. As with all the films in this franchise, the laws of gravity are utterly ignored for the sake of outlandish CGI stunts and the number of deaths of both collateral damage and faceless henchmen is off the hook. Each new stunt is bigger than the last and more implausible and funnier as a result.

It suddenly dawned on me, after about an hour that I was thoroughly enjoying myself because this film is so down right stupid it actually transcends its own awfulness and becomes something incredibly rare – a film that is so bad it's actually good! 

Nothing makes any sense in this utterly ridiculously stupid film, indeed so stupid is it that you'll find yourself laughing out loud at the outlandish coincidences, story contrivances and downright funny plot holes. The whole thing still seems written by a bunch of 12 year-old boys ripped to the tits on sugar and your chance to play 'Guess the next line of dialogue' will surely reap you a mighty score!

There is so much to mention that it would take twice as long as this to list but a fraction of the delights in store for you. Just go in as you would a Panto and be prepared to shout out, "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" and to boo and hiss at the baddy each time he appears and you'll have a whale of a time! But go in expecting something approaching another Mission Impossible movie and prepare to be deeply disappointed. 

Jason Momoa clearly relishes his role and hams it up to such an extent that those trying to bring some gravitas to this ludicrous film are simply shamed into submission. Joining in on the fun are Jason Statham, John Cena, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Bridges, Charlize Theron and Brie Larson who all know a panto when they see one, while emoting hard-boiled egg Bin Beagle and his own-screen wife Michelle Rodriguez pointlessly try to make the whole silly adventure seem serious, which in turns brings even more humour to the proceedings. 

But perhaps that's why this is so good, I've not enjoyed a Fast & Furious film since the Brazilian one and indeed the last outing with the nuclear submarine was so lamentable and stupid that I hated it, with a passion. Indeed I went in expecting to hate this one too and was delighted to discover that despite myself I actually enjoyed this, laughing myself almost hoarse. 

It's loud, unbelievably loud, it's so frantic it's like a 5 year-old kid with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder on a sugar rush, and so stupid it's downright brilliant. 

I originally gave this 8/10, but I can't in good faith honour that score. It's an 8 because it was so bad it became funny, that was never the intention of the film makers. This is not a good film by any measure. in fact it's probably one of the worst films of the year, so it's annoying it was so damn enjoyable if for all the wrong reasons.

So a more reasonable score would be 3/10

#21: SISU

 

Starring Jorma Tommila, Aksel Hennie, Jack Doolan and Mimosa Willamo. Written and directed by Jalmari Helander. Budge $6 million Euro. Running time 91 minutes.

This answers the age old question, when does watching Nazis die horribly become boring? The answer, NEVER!!!!!

The plot is simplicity itself. It's 1944 and Jorma Tommila is a retired Finish army commando and now gold miner called Aatami Korp, trying to live apart from the war that ravages the world around him. When he strikes a thick vein of pure gold, Aatami sets off for civilisation and bumps into a 30-man troop of retreating Nazis  who've been scorching the Earth as they make their retreat, with a truck full of kidnapped women.

What follows is a relentless and brutal battle that doesn't let up as Aatmai takes on them all on in a no-holds barred fight to the death and seemingly beyond as, with the power of Sisu, he manages to survive death at every turn, with almost supernatural power. This is savage, brutal and unrepentant. The Nazis die in violent gouts of bloody gore and as the death toll rises so does the inventiveness of the kills. 

Sadly, it does all get a bit one note and somewhat repetitive and Aatmai's ability to survive actual death becomes deeply ridiculous climaxing in a nose first plane crash that finally jumps the shark. 

It's only at the 93 minute mark that you realise that our hero hasn't spoken and then with the credits in sight he does and you realise it was worth the wait. 

Funny, brutal and savage. Not everyone's cup of tea but this is every WWII film crossed with Rambo and Friday 13th with Jason as the hero.

8/10

#20: HYPNOTIC

 

Starring Ben Affleck, Alice Braga, J.D. Pardo, William Fichtner. Written by Robert Rodriguez and Max Borenstein and directed by Robert Rodriguez. Budget $65 million. Running time 94 minutes all too long.

It's the Poundland reimagining of Inception, right down to the city folding over on itself. Imagine an enigma wrapped up in a puzzle shoved up the arse of a dead donkey and you're still nowhere near how staggering dull, bland and boring this film actually is. Indeed it's almost as boring as Ben Affleck's performance.

Affleck plays Danny Rourke an Austin detective whose daughter was abducted years previously, which in turn leads to the collapse of his marriage. Anyway, some time later he returns to active duty and gets involved in a bank heist with a mysterious man Dell Rayne (William Fichtner) who's been orchestrating a series of mysterious bank robberies involving ordinary people acting mysteriously out of character. This leads to a Diana Cruz (Alice Braga) a psychic with a mysterious past and a mysterious links to Dell Rayne and a mysterious organisation called Division which was running a mysterious program that harnessed the mysterious abilities of hypnotics like the mysterious Dell Rayne. What this has to do with the mystery of Danny and his missing daughter, and wife will slowly becomes clear, that is if you make it through the 94 minutes it takes to get to the bland answer that's all too obvious if you've seen enough of this sort of film. 

To call Affleck's acting in this 'sleep-walking' is to insult narcoleptics the world over. Indeed I don't think he could have conveyed his utter boredom with the subject material any better than he does, indeed if there was an Oscar and an Olympic medal for acting bored he'd win both. 

That action is lamentable too and so lack lustre that one car chase actually involved a slow speed golf cart buggy. That coupled with generic shootouts and some laugh-out-loud dialogue and action beats moments and you're in for a movie you'll barely remember two minutes after you've left the theatre.

The plot uses reveals and twists to propel the narrative, with each new twist arriving every few minutes and more ridiculous than the last until the very end when the whole film comes to a beautiful and gentle full-stop after a slow roll down a light incline and the final twist is revealed and you think, 'oh'. 

A shocking last act mass-shooting scene feels very uncomfortable, especially in the light of the relentless series of mass shootings that plague America.

Can't think of a single thing to recommend this. Quite literally the dullest film I've seen in an absolute age. And this from a director who once gave us the likes of El Mariachi, Sin City and Planet Terror.

3/10

#19: EVIL DEAD RISE

Starring Lilly Sullivan, Alyssa Sutherland, Morgan Davies, Gabrielle Echols and Nell Fisher. Written and directed Lee Cronin. Budget $19 million. Running time 97 minutes.

Oh deep joy, I thought when I saw this was an 18 certificate horror film, you don't get that many of those  these days. Be careful what you wish for.

Bloody hell, 97 minutes later and I'm exhausted. This was a relentless and utterly over-the-top gore fest of pure savagery with none of the humour of the original Evil Dead trilogy, yet endless nods of the head to that masterful originator. The sheer nihilism of this coupled with the unrelenting violence becomes such an onslaught that it leaves you feeling as if you're a survivor when you finally stumble out after its ended. 

This is most certainly infinitely better than that awful reboot of ten years ago, but that's about it in terms of positives. With nudge-nudge winks to the original, and tedious signposting, the cabin in the woods replaced with a rundown tenement block in Los Angeles, and our original hero, Ash, replaced by Beth a guitar technician visiting her tattooist sister just before an earthquake unleashes the forces of evil - again. 

The violence mostly metered out to teenage children is nasty, savage and brutal. The kids are either shot to death, have their eyes ripped out of their skulls, infected by evil, stabbed, grated, shot, hacked, chainsawed or are feed into wood chippers. There is no humour and no salvation at play here, just an unending plunge into an abyss of grimness. When we discover that the only way to defeat the demonic forces is total dismemberment, several items signposted at the beginning come into gory play at the end. 

The original 1981 film managed to be all of the above and yet not seem so bleak, and filled with such hopelessness. Ash seemed to offer us hope, and whereas this new outing gives us a new hero, obviously a woman, and a chainsaw, it lacks any hope, and most importantly it gives us no release from the horror. Humour and horror often work so well together, the former helping to break the spell of the later, but in this, we can have no release, no salvation, just despair.   

This is well mounted, well directed and ratchets up the tension but ultimately I found the whole thing just too nasty, unpleasant and horrific to enjoy. It would seem that I have finally outgrown my love of horror films and gore. 

6/10

#18: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL 3.

 

Starring Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Karen Gillan, Pom Klementieff, Bradley Cooper, Chukwudi Lwuji, Will Poulter, Elizabeth Debicki, Maria Bakalova and Sylvester Stallone. Written and directed by James Gunn. Budget $250 million. Running time 150 exhausting minutes.

First the good news. This is the best MCU film since 2021's Spider-Man: No Way Home, knocking the likes of Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Muddleness, Sore: Love and Blunder, Black Panther: Wankers Forever, and Bland-Man and the Wasp: Quantum-tedium-ania into a shitty bin where they rightfully belong. 

Do you realise that there have been THIRTEEN superhero movies released in the last two years, with four more scheduled for this year. Seriously, that's far too many, the world doesn't need this many super-hero films, no wonder fatigue is setting in. 

Vol 3. sees our band of jolly murdering thugs desperately trying to save the life of Rocket Raccoon after Adam Warlock almost kills him following an unprovoked attack on their new headquarters in Knowhere, that huge drifting skull of a long dead Eternal. Discovering Raccoon has a kill switch attached to his heart that will explode if surgery is attempted, Starlord and the others set off for another romp across the galaxy killing and maiming whoever they decide needs to be killed or maimed to ensure their mission succeeds, which in this case means finding the shut-off code for the switch. Along the way the film cuts back to the origin of Rocket, where under the insanely cruel care of the High Evolutionary, Rocket and three other Earth animals including a rabbit, a sea-lion and an otter are horrifically experimented on and augmented with cybernetic and mechanical add-ons. It transpires the old Evolutionary is preparing to populate a new Earth with perfect violent free inhabitants that he himself has created. Meanwhile, he has sent Warlock and his mother to hunt down and capture Rocket. Meanwhile, Starlord is trying to get it on with the alternative version of Gamora. Meanwhile the brother of Yonda from the previous films is trying to master the whistling flying blade thingie. Meanwhile, look there's a lot going on in this film, too much to synopsis here. Just accept that there's a big bad villain at the end, who'll need to be vanquished in act 3 and before that lots of comings and goings and action beats which remind you of the good stuff from the first film, because a lot of it is repeated here, like the prison break.

Tonally, both stylistically and structurally, this film is an absolute mess. Throwing the poor viewer from one plot strand to the next with no set up, no context and absolutely no backstory. And heaven help you if you've never seen a Guardians film before or have forgotten Vol 1 and Vol 2. You'll get no help here. Indeed, you only find out who Will Poulter's Adam Warlock is a good 15 minutes after he first obliterates the Guardians' HQ and mortally wounds Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) giving the film it's half remembered main plot device - 'oh, we need to save Raccoon's life.' The film jumps from silliness to action to downright horror at the blink of an eye and any sense of internal logic or actual real-life consequences are dismissed as unnecessary, thus robbing this film once again of any gravitas or actual humanity, a problem shared with Thor, Ant-Man and most of the last two phases of the MCU. 

This is a nasty and savage film, with none of the fun of the first, it's a far nastier world and our heroes are all weary, jaded, seemingly bored and in Starlord's case alcoholic. The main villain, the fore-mentioned High Evolutionary is a horrific villain both in his methods-- 

SPOILER WARNING. SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ACTUAL SPECIFICS.

--he butchers with complete abandon and his demise is sure to have all the under 12 year-olds in the audience howling in terror and their parents reacting in sheer disgust at sight of a noseless man with his face literally hanging in disgusting tatters getting beaten to death. I was actually shocked by the gore and violence in this film. 

I went in enthusiastic and left 2 and a half hours later, weary and disappointed. I thoroughly enjoyed the first Guardians film, and The Suicide Squad and think James Gunn is a good film maker, some of the shots he orchestrates in this are superb, especially as he weaves his camera through extended action scenes in breathless single takes, plus the look of the film with its glut of varied alien worlds and races is delightful, it looks so damn beautiful, but I felt this was a mean-spirited and savage film that seems it couldn't care less about what its core audience of under 12s will think of the animal cruelty, violence and outlandish gore. And I certainly wouldn't suggest this as suitable for any younger children. 

Gunn seems more determined to get away with gross-out humour than in delivering another fun and genre breaking film like the first Guardians movie.

And where as I liked the effects and production design I didn't like the story. No sir, I did not like it at all. 6/10

Oh and if you're sticking round for the end credits bit... 

I wouldn't bother, but if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.

#17: ALIENS - EXTENDED CUT

 

Starring Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen, Carrie Henn, Bill Paxton, William Hope, Ricco Ross, Al Matthews, Jenette Goldstein, Mark Rolston and Daniel Kash. Written and directed by James Cameron, from a story by Cameron, David Giler and Walter Hill. Music by James Horner. Budget $18.5 million. Running Time 154 minutes. Originally released in 1986.

57 years after the events of Alien, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is found drifting in her life pod in deep suspension and revived to take the blame for the destruction on the Nostromo and the death of its crew. Meanwhile LV427 is in the process of being terraformed and the contents of the derelict alien spaceship have been unleashed on the unsuspecting terraformists causing untold mayhem. When the colony goes silent, Earth sends a Marine troop to investigate and Ripley tags along for some more shits and giggles, although this time with the action ratcheted up to 11.

As soon as Ripley and the Marines lands on LV427 the film explodes into action and doesn't let up for one instant. This is a fantastic sequel and a damn good film in its own right, utilising optical and practical effects and superb model work from John Richardson and his hand-picked crew.

I saw this as a press preview when it first came out and I've loved it ever since. I've not seen this on the big screen in decades and seeing it again up there huge was amazing, it's lost none of its power, drama or scope. Superbly paced, and edited this really is a note-perfect movie and still one of James Cameron's best, it was also his third film as director. 

Loved it. 10/10 

  

#15: SUPERMAN

 

Starring Marlon Brandon, Gene Hackman, Christopher Reeve, ned Beatty, Jackie Cooper, Glenn Ford, Trevor Howard, Margot Kidder, Valerie Perrine, Maria Schell, Terenfe Stamp, Phyllis Thaxter, Susannah York. Written by Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman and Robert Benton. Directed by Richard Donner. Music by John Williams. Budget $55 million. Running time 143 minutes.

It's the story of Superman, it's the grandaddy of all super hero films and it's glorious. Treating the whole thing incredibly seriously and from a script by the Godfather himself, Mario Puzo. Directed by Richard Donner. As a kid I was disappointed by the lack of a story and the ending. If I'm honest it still niggles me today, but nowadays i don't care, so wrapped up do I get with the whole production. From Christopher Reeve's masterful performance as Superman and his alter-ego Clark Kent to Gene Hackman expertly nuanced Lex Luthor. The effects mostly practical, some optical, but all non-digital are astonishing, the wirework is dazzling. Honestly, there's not a bum note in this film and to watch it back on the big screen was pure cinematic bliss. If you get the chance to revisit this or any of the other reissues on the big screen you gotta do it!

In a word, pass me the boat, it's all gravy!

10/10