Starring Antony Ramos and Dominique. Voice talents of Peter Cullen, Ron Perlman, Peter Dinklage, Michelle Yeoh, Pete Davidson and Colman Domingo. Written (?) by Joby Harold, Darnell Joby, Josh Peters, Erich Hoeber and Jon Hoeber. From a 'story' by Toby Harold. Directed (?) by Steven Caple Jr. Budget $200 million. Running time 127 minutes.
Welcome to the 7th in this seemingly never-ending franchise of shit. Set in the 1990s, Hollywood's new 1970s for Generation Alpha, which means the music, when it's not a homogenised dirge used to help the audience understand what emotion they should be feeling, is a mix of hip hop and rap, and it's frankly the best thing in this staggeringly piss poor shower of a shit of a movie. Indeed this film is so crushingly tedious, blindingly banal, and bewilderingly dull that I couldn't actually be arsed to see it thru to the end and sit through the mid credit stinger and left before the final scene had even finished playing out.
The 'plot', ha! Plot, that's a laugh, sees a couple of humans, don't remember their names, don't care, somehow find themselves mixed up with a bunch of robots in disguise who are trying to find an ancient key that will lead them back to their homeworld of Transformia- or something, while a big planet sized Transformer called Unicorn wants the key to lead him to Earth so he can eat it. He's sent a bunch of robots called Terrorcunts to hunt down a bunch of robots who take the form of animals or Beasts as they're called who are led by a big gorilla called Gorrillabot, I think.
Hmm, then there's a chase and some action and then the third act arrives and a big CGi battle takes place, before Big Lorry Transformer smashes the key thus saving Earth, but preventing them from returning to their home planet. Oh, sorry, spoiler.
This is a bad film, boring, bland, dreary, dull and genuinely pointless. The script deserves special mention, it doesn't feature a single new sentence or thought in it's empty head and consists of just soundbites and tropes you've heard a million times before, the whole thing is just a mixtape of soundbites and rehashed ideas from other movies. The music is boring too and just jogs along filling any silence with a low-level hum of banality.
The effects too are just average, after seven of these pointless exercises in futility it's clear that there's nothing new they can bring to the table when it comes to showing us big robots in disguise. Indeed, it's also very clear that every single person involved with the creation of this film, from the lowest runner to the director and producers themselves couldn't give a single shit about this film and its audience and I would argue have nothing but naked contempt for their audience, who they're openly mocking with this travesty of a film.
There are no real characters just character types who don't have back stories just key events that they reference to convince you they have personalities. The hero who's an ex-marine just trying to make it in the real world to help his young brother who's sick while their mother works double shifts just to put food on the table. The female co-star is a wise-talking sassy museum historian who's also an intern but knows more than her white privileged boss. And that's it for the humans. The robots are a bunch of fucktards who are all thicker than custard and once again just types.
The action is bloodless, pointless and oh so painfully boring. The trailer would have you believe that the new Tranies in this film, the Breasts lead by a big monkey and an eagle are going to be amazing, but they too are just a set of soundbites and memes offering nothing of any merit.
Overall this is a film without a single redeeming feature or exciting moment. It is without doubt one of the shittiest films I'll see all year and I cannot urge you not to see it any more than that.
And if by some sickening turn of events you somehow enjoy this piece of cinematic excrement do yourself a favour and me too, by not telling me. I don't care. And besides you're wrong. It's shit and there's nothing good about it.
A puerile worthless piece of shit, which somehow manages to be boring as well deeply shit and worthless.
I sat through this so you don't have to. You're welcome. Don't dishonour my service by going to see how bad this really is, you'll be deeply disappointed, because this isn't Fast X sort of shit which becomes funny cos it's so shit, this is just shit with a capital S.H.I.T.
2/10
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