#52: THE EXORCIST

 

Starring Ellen Burstyn, Jason Miller, Max Von Sydow, Lee J. Cobb, Linda Blair, Kitty Winn and Jack MacGowran. Written by William Peter Blatty. Directed by William Friedkin. Budget $12 million. Running time 132 minutes.

Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) daughter of Hollywood actress, Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn) starts to exhibit anti-social behaviour which the medical community can't explain. Meanwhile Father Karras (Jason Miller) the Catholic church's best psychologist is having a crisis of faith, while his elderly mother goes into care and Father Merrin, the church's best paleontologist and exorcist finds evidence of the demon Pazuzu. When the 88 doctors who've examined Regan can't find what's causing her to crawl spider-like up staircases, projectile vomit and scream obscenities Karras and Merrin get called in to help. The rest is cinematic history. 

A truly superb film. Beautifully photographed, directed, and acted. It's a film that takes its time slowly revealing the story as it goes and not spoonfeeding its audience. The tension it creates is staggering and the all-practical special make up effects by Dick Smith are still deeply unsettling. Much copied and deeply influential, after this came The Omen and a slew of possession films. It's a film that's lost none of its power and was an utter delight to see again on the big screen.

If you get a chance to see this large then you gotta take it!

10/10

#51: SAW X

 

Starring Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Synnove Macody Lund, Steven Brand, Renata Vaca and Michael Beach. Written by Peter Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg. Directed by Kevin Greutert. Budge $13 million. Running time 118 minutes.

Saw the first Saw film and then skipped the next eight to return for this one, number 10 in the series. 

Apparently it's a sequel to the first film. In it, Tobin Bell plays John Krammer, aka Jigsaw the serial killer who only kills those people who are unappreciative of their lives. He makes elaborate death traps and forces his victims to commit appalling acts upon themselves to survive. One of his victims Amanda Young goes on to become his apprentice to help him. In this outing, Krammer who is dying of an inoperable brain tumour is scammed by an elaborate surgery con team lead by Synnove Macody Lund and her team and so he kidnapps them all and exacts his horrific revenge. Much gore and nastiness ensues. 

So gory it becomes comedy this had me laughing out loud, that said I was the only one laughing. The gore is extreme and nasty, and the film is filled with horrible people getting their just deserves. Not at all big, nor clever but nevertheless a hoot. 

7/10

#50: STOP MAKING SENSE

 

Starring The Talking Heads. Directed by Jonathan Demme. Budget $1.2 million. Running time 88 minutes.

I love the Talking Heads. I saw them perform live in 1982, I saw David Byrne perform America Utopia in 2020. I've got all their albums, I've read books about them and I've seen all three of their movies. 

This extraordinary concert movie, directed by Jonathan Demme, opens with a bare empty stage. David Byrne enters carrying a large cassette player, presses play and performs single-handily my favourite Talking Heads song, Psycho Killer. Then with each successive song, he's joined, one-by-one, by the rest of the band, Tina Weymouth, Jerry Harrison and Chris Franz joined on stage by Lynn Mabry, Ednah Holt, Bernie Worrell, Steve Scales, Alex Weir. From there on they play all their best songs as the rest of the stage is put together. Half way through the TomTom Club take over and Byrne returns in his massive suit. 

The energy of the performance is astonishing and the music sublime. I adore the Talking Heads and this was a truly joyous and wonderful experience. 

10/10

#49: THE CREATOR

 

Starring John David Washington, Gemma Chan, Ken Watanabe, Sturgill Simpson and Allison Janney. Written by Gareth Edwards and Chris Weitz. Directed by Gareth Edwards. Music by Hans Zimmer. Budget $80 million. Running time 133 minutes.

A beautiful looking, impressively rendered future world with strong, earnest performances can't really save this from being a bit too much of a boys-own-adventure style story, with tons of daring do, last minute saves, heroic sacrifices, slightly incompetent villains when needed and oodles of rip-roaring action. Sadly the characters are two-dimensional and the story tropes a little too generic to elevate this to something extraordinary. 

That's not to say it's not enjoyable, it is, it's just a tad too obvious and on the nose. The story set in the near future when mankind wages a war against AI robots sees our hero Joshua Taylor(John David Washington), an undercover marine infiltrating an AI robotic research station in search of the legendary creator and falling in love, and marrying, his daughter, Maya Fey (Gemma Chan). However when a marine assault on the AI base results in the apparent death of his now pregnant wife, Taylor is grief stricken and sent Stateside to clean up the radioactive wasteland that is LA following a nuclear strike launched by the AI. 

Five years later, Taylor is recruited back into his old squad to hunt down the AI's new and ultimate weapon, one that could in one fell swoop end the war. However when he discovers that his dead wife might not be quite so dead and the ultimate weapon is actually a child he grabs the kid and goes on the run in search of answers with both the forces of mankind and AI hot on their trail. All the while the massive orbiting defence platform NOMAD orbits the globe launching missile attacks...

Heavily inspired by the likes of Blade Runner (which this could easily be a sequel too, especially if you replaced its AI robots and simulants with Replicants) and Akira, and using the Vietnam war as a major primer this is a solid sf war film directed well by Gareth Edwards. With great art direction, design, camera work, cinematography and featuring a soundtrack by Hans Zimmer that impresses because of how utterly unobtrusive it is.

There's lots to like, so it's a shame this doesn't pack more of a punch, it's somewhat disappointing, the story doesn't feel that fresh and characters are reduced to the level of NPCs. Ideas are quickly introduced and then dispensed with some times too early and there's no time to explore before the next shoot-out or explosion.  

Following the three act structure of Syd Field this chugs along to the obligatory final act which won't come to a surprise to anyone and then promptly ends. Nothing to hate, nothing to loathe, very well made if a little generic.

8/10

#48: A HAUNTING IN VENICE

Starring Kenny Branagh, Kyle Allen, Camille Cottin, Jamie Dornan, Tina Fey, Jude Hill, Ali Khan, Emma Laird, Kelly Reilly, Riccardo Scamarcio and Michelle Yeoh. Written by Michael Green. Directed by Kenny Branagh. Budget $60 million. Running time 103 minutes.

It's round three for Hercule Poirot, and his moustache in this modern take on the diminutive Belgium detective created by the Agatha Christie and this time rather than remaking another classic (and far better) movie, Kenny and his writer Michael Green have decided to loosely adapt another Agatha novel starring Poirot called Hallowe'en Party. 

Last time round, Branagh and Green gave us an origin story for Poirot's moustache and this time they're trying something new by utterly rewriting Agatha's original story and playing up the supernatural aspects thus creating more of a horror film 'whodunnit', rather than a straight forward murder mystery. 

The plot sees a family and one servant gather in a Venice town house one night as the city is battered senseless by what can only be a described as a hurricane. They're all there for a séance held by the famous medium, Joyce Reynolds (Michelle Yeoh) held to contact the dead daughter of opera singer, Rowen Drake (Kelly Reilly). Poirot, now retired, is invited along by American crime author, Ariadne Oliver (Tina Fey) who's determined to get Poirot back in the game and to prove the séance is a fraud. The rest of the soon-to-be-suspects include the shell-shocked family doctor (Jamie Dornan) and his precocious son and future Jacob Rees-Moog (Jude Hill), housekeeper (Camille Cottin), Reynolds's two assistants (Ali Khan & Emma Laird), Poirot's Italian bodyguard (Riccardo Scamarcio) and the dead daughter's ex-fiancé (Kyle Allen). Before you can say, 'the butler did it', the body count is mounting, the corridors are alive with the sounds of ghostly children and things are most certainly going bump in the night, and not just the bodies falling to their doom.

The mystery is intriguing but an overuse of far too many jump scares and supernatural red herrings gets tiresome, and none of it is helped by Kenny's over reliance on fish-eyed lenses, dutch angles, over the head shots, and far too many close ups of Kenny's gurning mug. It's jarring and keeps pulling you out of the experience, in fact I can't remember a film where the director's so called style has been so intrusive, it's almost as if Kenny had contacted the ghost of Michael Winner and was channeling him and ultimately the film becomes undone by Kenny's over-dramatic direction.

The film putts along from murder-to-murder and interview-to-interview before finally rolling to stop and the reveal when the killer or should that be killers, I'm not saying, is finally revealed, justice is served and the storm abates and everyone goes home for tea, although one guilty party escapes scott-free. 

Overall this was far better than the last film, Deaf On the Nile. The location and setting worked well as did the look of the film although the whole film, as seems to be in most modern films, was exceedingly gloomy, dark and murky.

When the solution is revealed there's very little chance you'll have worked it out  yourself and you'll be relieved that Poirot takes the time to explain the workings of the elaborate crime down to the last minute crumb.

7/10 

#47: EXPEND4BLES

Starring: Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, 50 Cent, Megan Fox, Dolph Lundgren, Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais, Randy Couture, Jacob Scipio, Levy Tran and Andy Garcia. 'Written' by Kurt Wimmer, Tad Daggerhart and Max Adams from a story by Spenser Choen, Kurt Wimmer and Tad Daggerhart and based on characters created by David Callaham. Budget $100 million. Running time 104 minutes.

You know how it is, you wait ages for a really shit film to come along and then everyone involved with Expend4balls squats over you and slowly squeezes out a 104 minute long Boston Steamer right in the middle of your face and all your dreams are answered and you wonder why you constantly aim so low.

The plot, "there's a plot?" sees Barnaby (Stallone) and Christmas (Statham) and their chums butcher everyone in the world with a variety of guns, knives, axes, rockets and stuff. A mysterious baddy revealed to be Andy Garcia in the end, but who starts off as a good guy, hires another baddy played by Tony Jaa to steal some nuclear detonators so they can start WWWIII and only Barnaby and Christmas can stop them. Trouble is Barnaby is killed stone dead in the first 10 minutes and Christmas is blamed for the Expendables' mission failing and he's fired from the team and his girlfriend the truly awful Megan Fox takes over Barnaby's role of boss. Then the Expendables are sent by Andy Garcia to attack a ship which has the bomb. The ship is being disguised by the baddies to look like an American aircraft carrier so the Russians will retaliate and start WWWIII. Naturally it's a trap and the Expendables are captured. Luckily, Christmas has given his girlfriend a big knife with a tracking bug and he manages to track them down and leads a one-man rescue mission killing everybody until it's only him and Garcia left to fight to the death while the atom bomb only has 4 minutes to go before exploding. Just then Barnaby turns up in a helicopter chain-guns Garcia into bloody pieces, cuts the ship in half with missiles and rescues Christmas just before the ship sinks and explodes 'safely' underwater and everybody lives happily ever after. It turns out that Barnaby faked his death.

Oh shit! Sorry, I should have added a SPOILER ALERT to the above but forgot until now. I hope revealing that Garcia is the mysterious baddy and that Stallone isn't really dead and comes back at the end doesn't spoil the film for anyone.

Look, this is a ugly, crappy, stupid, shitty film. Most of it is filmed against digital backgrounds, Statham usually dependable is utterly expendable in this, in fact he appears as bored with the whole thing as his gun barrel (geddit it?). Megan Fox is required to do nothing more than swear, look sexy, and hit her mark when smiling and jogging from one place to the other. Which is a good thing because on the strength of this she has absolutely zero acting ability. And her make-up is so thick not a single wrinkle or crease marks its surface. It is utterly impossible to accept her 1D character as the leader of an elite squad of lethal mercenaries, and when you consider she's joined on screen by 50 Cent that's really saying something. 

If you wanted a one word review than I'd say, 'shit'.

Shit. Shit. Shit. It's one massive crap fest, not one single good guy dies in this film, not one. At one point in this awful film a character with cauliflower ears is stabbed through the side with the world's biggest knife and so has to sit out the final showdown and that's it for fatalities. Oh, oh, oh! I've just remembered walking plank of wood 50 Cent, a man with less than that in sense utters the immortal line "That's what I'm talking 'bout." 

Dolph Lundgren returns to literally sit this one out too, in so far that his character spends his entire screen time either sat on a crate or lying prone while he shoots his gun which has special prescription lens because he's now so old he needs glasses. I shit you not.

The baddies are dispatched with every weapon known to man and despite outnumbering our band of heroes at least a million to one don't manage to even graze one of them with a bullet. 

At one point in this incredible shit show of a film, The Stath causes the supertanker to do a 90 degree turn by dropping the anchor and turning the steering wheel in the opposite direction. 

Hang on, I've just remembered that our villain, the fore-mentioned Andy Garcia's character, is on the actual boat with the actual ticking atomic bomb, which is counting down to actually explode – you know an atomic bomb exploding, a bomb which traditionally has quite a large blast radius. So, with just seven minutes to go, before it explodes he's not only still standing on the boat ordering his men to kill Christmas and the others rather than, you know try and fly him and his 50 odd men off the boat before it explodes! But he also throws away the kill switch. What the actual 'what'!? 

The cgi is frankly some of the worst I've ever seen in a so-called big budget movie, in fact barring the odd exterior shot the whole film looks as if it's been shot on a sound stage so bad is the digital backdrops. The action sequences are so generic, bland and repetitive it makes Expendables 3 look like a masterpiece.

At the end of this crap fest, Christmas asks Barnaby how he faked his death and he explains and it's truly appalling. Earlier in the film, Barnaby forces Christmas to fight a biker gang so he can retrieve his favourite ring which he lost in a card game to a man called The Shrimp, who's very short. It turns out that when the plane that Barnaby is flying is shot down in the beginning of the film, he drags the unconscious Shrimp out of a closet sticks him in the pilot's seat, wedges his black cap on his head, sticks the same ring back on his hand then bails out leaving the terrified man, who's done literally nothing wrong to die in his place.   

The only good thing this film has is the fact its score is in its title. 

The poster claims that 'they'll die when they're dead.' Sadly for the audience that 

doesn't come soon enough. 

4/10 (for Megan Fox's pert nipples in the final scene)

#46: THE CANTERVILLE GHOST

 

Starring the voice talents of Stephen Fry,  Hugh Laurie, Freddie Highmore, Miranda Hart, Imelda Staunton, Toby Jones, Meera Syal, David Harewood, Emily Carey, Jules de Jongh and Keiron Self. Written by Cory Edwards, Giles New and Keiron Self. Directed by Kim Burdon and Robert Chandler. Music by Craig Stuart Garfinkle and Eimear Noone. Running time 89 minutes.

A new retelling of Oscar Wilde's classic humourous short story from 1887, his first ever published story. This version, sticking rather closely to the original, sees an American family move into an ancient gothic castle of Canterville only to run into its irate and rather peevish ghost, Sir Simon Canterville (Stephen Fry), who ends up getting 'haunted' by the family, that is until he forms an unlikely friendship with the family's oldest daughter, Virgina (Emily Carey) who helps him to free him from a 300 year-old curse.

There's a lot to like about this new version, first off it doesn't feature wise-cracking animals, aliens or superheroes, sure it has sassy wise-cracking kids, but oddly enough so did the original 1887 story. Visually there's a lot to like about this film, the design of Sir Simon Canterville is a delight, he looks terrific and his costume design is excellent. And considering the budget of this is limited it looks good, bar the odd overused texture map, the grounds of the house are rich and there's a lovely moment where two characters walk through a dappled canopy of trees. Plus the voice acting is spot on and well cast. And the soundtrack was very enjoyable.

The film itself starts well with a creepy establishing prologue, but the arrival of the American family is less successful, they're the classic animated family, annoying twin boys, fiesty teenage girl, ditzy father and caring mum. They feel trite and a tad too formulaic and conform to type right from the off. The introduction of two new characters, the vicar (Toby Jones) and his ghost obsessed wife (Miranda Hart) feels jarring especially when the later whips out her range of steam-punk designed anti ghost weaponry to try and capture the ghost and some of the very modern gags and quips feel very awkward. 

When this tries to stick closely to the source material it works well, the ghost himself and Stephen Fry are the real stars of the show and Sir Simon is a great creation. Sadly when the film breaks out of the ghostly gothic vibe of the original and the pratfalls and anachronistic characters begin it becomes a tad generic, plus there's a real sense that we're racing through the film, there's no time to relax into the story. There's a impressive scene when Sir Simon disrupts a dinner party that is very dramatic and the showdown with death himself in the final act is satisfying. 

It's a film that you wished had been allowed to be scarier than it is, kids are far more resilient that are given credit for and this film feels as if its teeth haven't so much been pulled, but most certainly filed down to remove any sharp points.

Most certainly not up there with Pixar or Blue Sky, but still a valiant attempt at something more down-to-earth and better still a homegrown film. 

6/10

#45: NUN II

Starring Taissa Farmiga, Jonas Bloquet, Storm Reid, Anna Popplewell and Bonnie Aaroons. Written by Ian Goldberg, Richard Naing and Akela Cooper from a story by Akela Cooper and based on characters by James Wan and Gary Dauberman. Directed by Michael Chaves. Budget $35 million. Running time 110 minutes.

When I used to work in Soho, a long time ago, I became fascinated by the postcards put up in the phone boxes by local prostitutes and in particular one card that read: "THERE'S NUN BETTER AT PLEASING A MAN." the woman declaring herself to be an actual ex-nun before adding, underneath, "BEST NIPPLES IN TOWN." Sadly I never got to find out whether that second part of her statement was true, but I was reminded of it going in to see this film, a sequel to a film I've never seen and a spin off to a franchise I've not seen either which itself spawned three films. 

I wonder whether I'll be able to follow what's going on...

Nun II sees our heroine sent off to investigate a spat of horrific deaths that seem reminiscent to what she faced in the first film and leads her and her sidekick to a rundown girls school where a groundsman, who was in the first film might or might not be harbouring, against his will, the demon who looks like a nun, who the good nun faced last time round. After that, there's a lot of murky, gloomy, dark corridors for the victims, mostly young school girls, five girls at most to run down, or fall down in, which they do a lot, all the while being chased by a goat man and the bad nun until the good nun finds the thing that can defeat the bad one before some portal or whatnot is opened, and good triumphs and the next film is set up.

Look, I haven't the foggiest what was going on, it was quite effective, the kills were entertaining and gruesome, and I did find it fascinating that these horror films are so heavily Christian in nature, God vs the Devil, good Vs evil. The film was also incredibly female-centric, which was nice and there was something quite satisfying about watching the bad nun getting her comeuppance at the end. 

It didn't fill me with loathing, it was mildly entertaining and I wasn't bored, so almost a winner, winner chicken dinner, but with no gravy.

7/10 

#44: RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER: VENGEANCE

Starring Craig Fairbass, Sadie Frost, Tara Fitzgerald, Phil Davis, Geoff Bell, Emily Wyatt, Stephen McCole, Jamie Foreman, George Russo and ArrDee. Written byAndrew Loveday and Jason Maza. Directed by Nick Nevern. Running time 118 minutes.

The sixth in the series based incredibly loosely on characters and events from infamous Rettendon Range Rover murders of 1995 sees perennial 'eavy Pat Tate (Craig Fairbrass) go on a bloody rampage to avenge the death of 'is mate's 'orrible death at the 'ands of a shady bunch of Eurogangsters, but who is the sinister figure orchestrating events just off camera? 

I've got a soft spot for the Rise of the Footsoldiers franchise, I've watched ever instalment and found myself absorbed by the brutal ugly underworld of 1990s Essex. That said, I'll heartedly agree they're not for everyone, but there's an element of exceedingly black humour that runs through the films that I find very funny.

In fact, the violence, swearing and downright thuggery that goes on in the films is so brutal and so ridiculously over the top that it's almost Verhoeven-esq in its approach and thus causes the film to transcend reality into a sort of OTT slapstick, ultra-violent version of the God Father but with far more swearing and people shouting "Leave 'im, Terry, 'e's not worf it!".

Definitely not big, not clever but enjoyable nevertheless and this one is the best in the series and paves the way for a sequel. Plus I've meet Craig Fairbass in 'real life' and he's a lovely man.

7/10

#42 & 43: EQUALIZER 3 & SOUND OF FREEDOM

                    

 
Equalizer 3

Starring Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, David Denman, Sonia Ammar and Remo Girone. Written by Richard Wenk. Directed by Antoine Fuqua. Running time 109 minutes. Budget $70 million.

I have decided to review both of these together because I saw them as a double bill and it felt right to do so. 

Both in a way feel like a throw back to the glory days of the 1980's Cannon movies and both of these films could easily have been made with then stars Charles Bronson in Equalizer 3 and Chuck Norris in Sound of Freedom.

Of the two, Equalizer 3 is the most enjoyable of the two and the most enthusiastically over-the-top, whereas Sound of Freedom is an overly earnest and serious film with not one iota of lightness, perhaps because of its 'based on real life' and subject matter which let's be honest doesn't lend itself well to humour. 

Equalizer 3 finds its titular hero Robert McCall ("double 'c', double 'll'") still played by Denzel Washington recovering from a near-fatal gunshot injury following a seemingly successful and very brutal attack on the vineyard of an Italian Mafia operation, but why? All will finally be revealed. In between is McCall's slow recovery in a beautiful remote costal town which is struggling under the yoke of the Mafia who have plans to turn the town into a holiday resort and mean to oust the inhabitants. Trouble is McCall has finally found his home and has no intention of giving in to the savagely brutal antics of the Mafia's boss and his wayward brother who ends up dead prompting a bloody showdown between McCall and Vincent - the boss. 

This is a by-the-numbers action flick of the sort that Cannon used to churn out back in the 80s and it brought back many fuzzy warm feelings of delight and I was hooked. Slightly fumbling the ball in the third act the film manages to regain its footing and delivers a meaty ending and a reveal as to what brought McCall to Italy in the first place. The location of Altamonte is a welcome addition to the proceedings and that added to that Denzel's charisma and Antoine Fuqua's masterful action direction elevates this film to something deeply satisfying and enjoyable. 

8/10  

Sounds of Freedom

Starring Jim Caviezel, Mira Sorvino and Bill Camp. Written by Rod Barr and Alejandro Monteverde. Directed by Alejandro Monteverde. Running time 131 minutes. Budget $14.5 million.

Sounds of Freedom finds its hero, Tim Ballard (Jim Caviezel) - a Homeland Security Special Agent giving up his job, with 10 months to go before retiring, to rescue children kidnapped and trafficked by sex trafficking gangs in South America. Initially spurred into action by the kidnapping of a young brother and sister and at his wife's urging he heads off to Bogota and teams up with an ex-drug cartel accountant called Vampiro (Bill Camp) and a rich backer to set up a sting operation that ended up rescuing over 60 actual child slaves, the film in its closing credits shows actual footage from the police operation. 

It's an overly earnest and serious film that comes across deeply solemn and altogether far too ponderous. The camera appears to love long lingering close up shots of its handsome star as he emotes real tears that fill his eyes and flow almost at command, after the third go at this any power it has is lost. Bill Camp, who perhaps can't cry like his co-star, uses an endless supply of chewed up stumps of cigars as his acting tool pumping huge plumes of smoke into each scene, perhaps that's what set off Caviezel's crying?

Because the film is so desperate to remain truthful to its subject matter the build up the tropical island sting operation comes across all too pedestrian and loses all dramatic tension and ultimately you wish the film had been more of a documentary than a work of 'based on life' fiction. Ultimately the films pre credit info dump highlighting the shocking statistics of modern day child trafficking, the 5000% rise in online paedophila feels like an attempt to critic-proof the film and its personel message after the credits by Jim Caviezel himself feels deeply manipulative. 

Naturally in the Cannon version of this film, Tim Ballard would have been played by Chuck Norris and a lot more people would have had their teeth kicked out.

6/10