#55: ALIEN ROMULUS

 

STARRING: Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, Archie Renaux, Isabela Merced, Spike Fearn and Aileen Wu. Written by Fede Álvarez and Rodo Sayagues. Directed by Fede Álvarez. Budget #80 million. Running time 119 minutes.

And so we come to the 9th film in the Alien franchise after Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien: Resurrection, Alien Vs. Predator, Alien Vs Predator: Requiem, Alien: Prometheus and Alien: Covenant. Well, you know what they say, 9th time's a charm.  

Chronologically speaking this takes place between Alien and Aliens, thus successfully ignoring the failed majesty of Alien 3 and the rest. 

Ditching the gross idea of characters who are, you know older than 30, in favour of a group of young diverse young people as it's cannon fodder is a shrewd move for Generation Z crowd this film is aimed at and who don't seem to be able to cope with ideas, films, or actors older than themselves. And it's much nicer for us Babyboomers, brought up on the first Alien film in 1979 as we get to watch these young snots getting the living shit ripped out of them. 

We meet our plucky band of young people, living on a mining colony blighted by perpetually night-time who are planning to borrow a spaceship and plunder a completely abandoned space station that is drifting above their miserable planet of its cryo-chambers so they can use them to survive the 9 light years of travel they have to do to escape to somewhere better.

What they find isn't a spaceship but a semi derelict research station called Romulus hurriedly abandoned and partially damaged after whatever those pesky scientists were experimenting on got loose. 

Through a series of stupid decisions, our band of hapless kids find themselves trapped onboard a crashing space station and separated from their spaceship and forced to navigate deep dark corridors filled with a veritable army of alien face-huggers and the occasional xenomorph to escape. Jeez, Mondays, am I right?

WARNING. WHILE THIS REVIEW CONTAINS NO ACTUAL SPOILERS, THERE IS ENOUGH INFORMATION SUBTLY ALLUDED TO IN THIS NEXT SECTION OF THE REVIEW THAT MEANS KEEN FANS OF THE ALIEN FRANCHISE MIGHT LEARN TOO MUCH. 

The crew feature Cailee Spaeny as Rain, our Ripley substitute - young orphaned, resourceful, but also small, and vulnerable – David Jonsson as Andy, Rain's surrogate brother and synthetic human, who's old and obsolete and as glitchy as fuck (I wonder if that'll play a part later on?) Archie Renaux as Tyler, heroic hunk and also ex-boyfriend of Rain, Tyler's pregnant sister Kay (Isabela Merced) whose pregnancy will obviously play a big part of later on, for obvious reasons, namely she's pregnant (great telegraphing guys), on and then there's Bjorn (Spike Fearn) who just so happens to be Tyler and Tay's cousin with synthetic issues and finally there's Navarro, the pilot (Aileen Wu), so obviously her card is marked.

This starts well and the build up is good, the exploration of the Romulus is gripping, and intriguing! Good grief, you think, have they got it right? Then the action starts and that too is good. Deaths occur and those too are gruesome, although nothing will ever compare with John Hurt's death in Alien. Taking elements from the first two films Fede Álvarez gives us an carefully sampled movie filled with bits we loved and then the third act roars into view, and sadly, dear reader, the whole film reveals itself to be nothing more than a remake of Alien: Resurrection, and goes from a solid 9/10 to a 'what the actual what' 7/10.

This gets so much right, the scares come courtesy of the facehungers who number in the hundreds and we get to learn a little bit more about those frisky little French kissers, that is before the aliens start emerging from the ceilings, floors and walls to whittle our band of cannon fodder down to the last girl standing, in this case Cailee Spaeny, doing her best Sigourney Weaver, right down to the now obligatory third act vest and kegs showdown.

Channeling both Alien and Aliens to the Nth degree and featuring a rather surprising, uncanny valley extended cameo, this film offers a great set up and a fantastically tense middle section, which sadly all comes undone when the whole film spins down into extreme nonsense in the final act. You can see what went wrong. Having scared the crap out of audiences for the whole film with aliens and face hungers, where else could you go?

There's also the need for the WHOLE franchise and it's lore to be codified and the re-introduction of ideas that featured in Alien Prometheus and Covernant just muddy the waters. The great thing about the first Alien movie was that we didn't know anything, the creature was 'alien', now because modern audiences need to be told everything we have to have all this lore, it's what killed Star Snores. Continuity and story baggage   

It's great to see so many practical effects on offer, and practical sets, the design is classic retro-futuristic, blinking lights and switches, cathoray tube TVs and watching real people interact with real environments is a definite plus. It's got scares, action, horror and it moves at a good pace.

At the end of the day, this was a cleverly sampled remixed mix-tape of a movie, with nothing new, but with enough hints at past greatness to keep you sweet. 

7/10 

 

#54: TRAP

STARRING: Josh Hartnett, Ariel Donoghue, Saleka Nigh Shyamalan, M. Night Shyamalan, Hayley Mills and Alison Pill. Written directed and Night Raven's song written by M. Night Shyamalan. Budget £30 million. Running time 105 minutes.

This is the first M. Nigh Shyamalan movie I've enjoyed since 2016's Split, and only the third out of his 16 movies. All his films, up until this one, featured a high concept combined with a twist ending  and I found it deeply annoying, mainly because I always guessed the ending far too early, I guessed the twist in The Village, in the first 5 minutes. Night has a terrible habit of badly telegraphing key plot points, "Swing high", for example from Signs which I find deeply irritating. And if The Village with its terrible twist broke my spirit, then The Happening was the final nail in the coffin. 

He always seems like a director who loves himself way too much and whose belief in his own abilities far exceeds his actual reach. 

And so to Trap. I went in expecting to hate it, but damn it if it didn't win me over with its silly, over-the-top script featuring glaring plot contrivances that only exist to propel this ridiculous story and a fanatically committed Josh Hartnett.

Josh plays Cooper a fireman and family man with a wife and two loving kids who just so happens to be a fantastically high-functioned organised serial killer with 12 confirmed kills who goes under the soubriquet The Butcher. He's taking his daughter, Riley (Ariel Donoghue) to a Lady Raven concert at a nearby stadium. Who's Lady Raven, I hear you ask? Well she's only the biggest star in the pop firmament, in this universe anyway and played by Night's daughter Saleka Nigh Shyamalan. Anyway, once they're in the stadium, Cooper begins to realise that he's trapped as the entire weight of the law enforcement descends on the stadium sealing him inside, from every member of the police force to the National Guard, FBI, CIA and probably KGB, who all gather outside to catch him. And so far so the trailer. Desperately Cooper looks for a way out while trying to keep his daughter off the scent, but as the concert winds down Cooper finds himself running out of options, that is until an opportunity presents itself...

I've never been to a mega concert featuring a super star pop idol but according to this film, nobody spends any time inside watching the star, they're all outside in the corridor around the stadium buying snacks, hotdogs, drinks, merchandising, or using the toilet so Cooper can move around unseen by everyone. 

Luckily a serious of coincidences and lucky breaks enable our loveable serial killer, whose latest victim is chained up in a basement somewhere in the city, to gain a way of moving about with impunity and to listen in on the police band radio while the lead psycho profiler carefully details what they're going to do to catch him. Phew that's lucky! It's also lucky that everyone Cooper meets falls for his charm and inadvertently help him to plot his escape. 

While this carries on we're treated to an extended music video of M. Night's daughter's musical stylings featuring music and lyrics he composed. There's a lot of it as we're treated to a good 30 odd minutes of her performance. No shade on Saleka, she's actually rather good and plays an important part in the second half, but it's also in this half of the film where the plot devices kick in with a vengeance.

M. Night has this very annoying habit of getting his actors to talk directly into the lens which is deeply intrusive and bloody annoying. Josh is very game as the lead actor and carries the film on his very broad shoulders, but he also looks uncomfortable in the part of a loving father and his interactions with Riley boarder on very clumsy and artifical. He's far better in the second act as his escape plan rolls into action and his final confrontation with a family member is very powerful. It's in these later scenes that he comes to life as his true nature finally reveals himself.

With all of it's ridiculous contrivances, plot holes and shocking convenient co-incidences this was an unintentionally funny film that can only be taken as a dark comedy, seen as a serious thriller it's a farce, but from the armchair of parody this was an enjoyable and satisfying romp that amused me far more than it annoyed me and bereft of a trademarked M. NIght Shamalyan twist ending was far more entertaining that I was expecting. 

7/10

#53: CUCKOO

 

Starring Hunter Schafer, Jan Bluthardt, Marton Csokas, Jessica Henwick and Dan Stevens. Written and directed by Tilman Singer. Music by Simon Waskow. Budget $7 million. Running time 103 minutes.

Another Cineworld Secret Screening, hoping for Alien: Romulus, but getting something else, something rather delightful, an experimental independent German horror film.

Cuckoo sees 17-year old Gretchen (Hunter Schager), forced to leave her home in the US and move back with her father, Luis (Márton Csókás) and her stepmother Beth (Jessica Henwick) and mute half-sister Alma (Mila Lieu) following the death of Gretchen's mother. Together the family travel to a holiday resort in the German Alps, where Luis and Beth have been hired by creepy resort owner Herr König (Dan Stevens) to design a new building. König offers Gretchen a job on front-of-desk of the resort, which beyond the odd honeymooning couple seems strangely empty. He warns her to lock the doors at 10:00pm and not to travel alone at night. Naturally she doesn't and ends up hospitalised after she's attacked by a mysterious white coated and hooded woman in huge sunglasses who can paralyse with her shrieking bird-like scream. But the trouble is no one seems to believe her, least of all her frustrated father. 

Gretchen begins to realise that something isn't right in the complex. Why do all the female guest keep vomiting and stumbling around drunk-like, what's up with the complex's hi-tech hospital, with no patients, and just what is that shrieking sound coming from the forrest? And why is König so interested in Alma?

The film plays on the concept of the Cuckoo, as you begin to wonder if it's Gretchen who's the Cuckoo in this family, or is it Alma. Feeling lost, bereaved and unwanted, Gretchen decides to runaway with an attractive French girl who comes to stay at the resort, and together they drive off after stealing the resort's takings. But their escape is cut short when they're involved in terrible car crash, caused by the hooded woman, and Gretchen finds herself once again in the strange hospital, with serious injuries. And that's when shit gets unreal and the bizarreness and weirdness accelerates.

Written and directed by Tilman Singer this is a genuinely entertaining horror flick that feels like early David Cronenberg crossed with David Lynch. he shows great flair and his direction feels fresh and original. There's one shot I really liked, a tracking shot where the camera, looking up, at Gretchen face tracks her across a room, it sounds odd to point out but it appealed to me. This is Singer's second film and I look forward to seeing more. Likewise,  Hunter Schager (Gretchen) who carries this film is superb, bringing a real believability to her role of the grieving Gretchen, and for once she doesn't come across as a over powered girl-boss, but a resourceful young woman desperate to survive. And not forgetting Dan Stevens who keeps turning up in these small indie flicks and fricking nailing it dead! I thought he was great in Abigail and once again he brings genuine unease in this. 

As the story unfolds and the secrets are revealed the film loses some of its charm, but not a lot, and the violent blood soaked final act is almost cathartic in nature. I was reminded of a previous European horror film from 2022 called Hatching, which together with this would make rather a good double bill.

8/10

#52: BOREDLANDS

 

STARRING: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt, Jamie Lee Curtis, Florian Munteanu, Edgar Ramirez and Gina Gershon. Story by Eli Roth, Screenplay by Eli Roth and Joe Crombie. Produced by Avi Arad. Directed by Eli Roth. Budget $120 million. Running time 102 minutes.

Two good things to take away from Boredlands the movie. 
#1. There won't be a sequel. 

#2. It's only 102 minutes long. 

Based on a popular video game franchise, this movie adaptation has been in development since 2015, or the past nine years. In that time the film producer Avi Arad have worked tirelessly along side the likes of fellow producer Erik Feig, Leigh Whannell, who was originally inline to direct, original writer Craig Mazin (who later removed his name from the project), replacement writer Joe Crombie, Tim Miller who came in for reshoots, and of course Eli Roth who not only directed this film, but also came up with the story, and co-wrote the screenplay. 

And incredibly despite those men having spent 131,040 man hours of their precious lives working on the film, THIS is the best they could come up with. 

The plot, there is no story, sees Lilith, Cate Blanchett, a self-congratulatory,  smug, pouting, over-privileged bounty-hunter travel to a planet called Pandora to find and rescue, Tiny Tina, Ariana Greenblatt, the daughter of the baddie, Atlas, Edgar Ramirez. Tiny was kidnapped by Roland, Kevin Hart, an ex-Atlas mercenary soldier gone rogue, who took Tina to Pandora, along with a homicidal maniac called Kreig, Florian Munteanu because. Later we get to meet Jamie Lee Curtis as Dr. Patricia Tannis, there for exposition and  Jack Black's Claptrap a wheeled wanky robot and the whole gang is up and ready for some shits and giggles, although not much in the way of giggles to be honest.

We learn that Pandora was once the home of a fantastic race of people called the Eridian, who disappeared millions of years ago.  However they apparently left behind a wealth of their super technology in a place called The Vault, hidden somewhere on Pandora. As a result every lowlife, scumbag and psycho in the universe has come to the planet to look for it. There's a prophecy that predicts that only the daughter of Eridian can open the Vault. And guess what, Tiny Tina, Ariana Greenblatt was created by Atlas to be that 'daughter of Eridian'. Or is she...   

This is so clearly trying to be another Guardians of the Galaxy, with its band of wacky anti-heroes wise cracking their way from one middling action scene to the next. At no point do we fear our 'heroes' will die, so there's no jeopardy. It follows the three-act structure to a tee, but it's all a toothless feeble dirge shoe horned with a 12A cert, which means the rudest swearwords are piss and shit, which is also the phrases I'd use to describe this film. 

As a rule, Cate Blanchett is a great actress, who really delivers the goods, however in this she is the single worst aspect of the whole film, despite being the best actress by a country mile. The trouble is she looks and feels deeply uncomfortable in the role. For every shot she stands posed, hips tilted, arm raised, gun cocked, looking stiff and awkward, probably embarrassed by shit her character has to say which passes for dialogue. 

Everyone in this awful pissy piece of shit is crap, although Kevin Hart actually manages the unexpected by being the least horrible and most likeable of the characters. Although that's not saying much. They're all just smug, self-serving arseholes, quipping and killing with impunity, just hateful. And worst of the bunch is Jack Black's Claptrap who, in the film's 'funniest' scene has a bout of bullet diarrhoea.

I saw this because I thought the trailer looked fun. But you shouldn't be duped or fooled, this is a crapfest of epic proportions that doesn't transcend it's crappiness to become something good, or funny. No, siree this remains persistently crap for all of it's piss-soaked 102 minute running time.

It's generic, bland, and dull, in fact it's not even bad enough to be boring, it just remains consistently dull.  

This is the dullest film I've seen since Madame Webb, which this isn't even bad enough to worse than. 

Bland, dull, and piss-awfully shit. 2/10

#51: KNEECAP

 

STARRING: Naoise Ó Cairealláin, Liam Óg Ó Hannaidh, JJ Ó Dochartaigh, Josie Walker, Fionnuala Flaherty, Jessica Reynolds, Adam Best, Simone Kirby and Michael Fassbender. Story by Naoise Ó Cairealláin, Liam Óg Ó Hannaidh, JJ Ó Dochartaigh and Rich Peppiatt. Screenplay and directed by Rich Peppiatt. Running time 105 minutes.

The true story of three drug-loving young men who form a Gaelic speaking hip-hop band in Belfast incurring the wrath of not just the establishment but also a paramilitary gang. 

Saw this as part of one of Cineworld's 'Secret Screenings', where you have no idea what you're going to see, hence the title. I was hoping for Alien Romulus, as was audience, judging by how many turned up and the audible groan that rose when the title card came up. Luckily I'd read about it in the film mags and was pleasantly surprised and stayed. It's the first time I'd seen a full-length Gaelic spoken film and it occurred to me that listening to a new language while watching a film is quite challenging, the sound of it was so different from anything you've heard before that you find yourself trying to find the rhythm of it. 

The story follows two life-long Catholic friends growing up in Belfast in the 2010s, who spend their hedonistic days dealing and taking drugs and partying hard, they're both champions of the Gaelic language and defiantly refuse to speak English. When Liam is arrested at a party and JJ Ó Dochartaigh, a Gaelic speaker, is brought in help the interrogation. JJ who is also a music teacher at a local school ends up with Liam's note book which is filled with his poetry and lyrics. JJ has his own music studio and puts some of the lyrics to music and so is born the band Kneecap.

What follows is a highly enjoyable, raw and frantic movie, the sheer energy of the three lads when performing is intoxicating. There's a sub-plot that features the Arlo, Michael Fassbender, the father of Naoise, an ex Republican paramilitary bomber who faked his own death to avoid the British authorities and is still on the run, which in turn left his wife, Dolores (Simone Kirby) becoming agoraphobic, which gives the film a much needed emotional core. Added to that is a raunchy romance between Liam and Georgia, Jessica Reynolds, a young Protestant girl, whose Aunt, Josie Walker, just so happens to be a Detective searching for Arlo.

Added to that is another paramilitary outfit, RRAD (Radical Replublicans Against Drugs) who are eager to stop Kneecap, and ironically kneecap them in the process.

There's a lot to cram into the tight 105 minute running time, and the film expertly fits it all in without ever feeling like it's being rushed. I knew a little about the film, but had no idea that the three members of Kneecap were the stars of the film, and Liam in particular shines, during the end credits you get to see footage of the band in action and it enhances the whole experience.

Thoroughly entertaining, with a great sense of rawness and some totally banging choones. A very nice surprise. 

8/10