Two good things to take away from Boredlands the movie.
#1. There won't be a sequel.
#2. It's only 102 minutes long.
Based on a popular video game franchise, this movie adaptation has been in development since 2015, or the past nine years. In that time the film producer Avi Arad have worked tirelessly along side the likes of fellow producer Erik Feig, Leigh Whannell, who was originally inline to direct, original writer Craig Mazin (who later removed his name from the project), replacement writer Joe Crombie, Tim Miller who came in for reshoots, and of course Eli Roth who not only directed this film, but also came up with the story, and co-wrote the screenplay.
And incredibly despite those men having spent 131,040 man hours of their precious lives working on the film, THIS is the best they could come up with.
The plot, there is no story, sees Lilith, Cate Blanchett, a self-congratulatory, smug, pouting, over-privileged bounty-hunter travel to a planet called Pandora to find and rescue, Tiny Tina, Ariana Greenblatt, the daughter of the baddie, Atlas, Edgar Ramirez. Tiny was kidnapped by Roland, Kevin Hart, an ex-Atlas mercenary soldier gone rogue, who took Tina to Pandora, along with a homicidal maniac called Kreig, Florian Munteanu because. Later we get to meet Jamie Lee Curtis as Dr. Patricia Tannis, there for exposition and Jack Black's Claptrap a wheeled wanky robot and the whole gang is up and ready for some shits and giggles, although not much in the way of giggles to be honest.
And incredibly despite those men having spent 131,040 man hours of their precious lives working on the film, THIS is the best they could come up with.
The plot, there is no story, sees Lilith, Cate Blanchett, a self-congratulatory, smug, pouting, over-privileged bounty-hunter travel to a planet called Pandora to find and rescue, Tiny Tina, Ariana Greenblatt, the daughter of the baddie, Atlas, Edgar Ramirez. Tiny was kidnapped by Roland, Kevin Hart, an ex-Atlas mercenary soldier gone rogue, who took Tina to Pandora, along with a homicidal maniac called Kreig, Florian Munteanu because. Later we get to meet Jamie Lee Curtis as Dr. Patricia Tannis, there for exposition and Jack Black's Claptrap a wheeled wanky robot and the whole gang is up and ready for some shits and giggles, although not much in the way of giggles to be honest.
We learn that Pandora was once the home of a fantastic race of people called the Eridian, who disappeared millions of years ago. However they apparently left behind a wealth of their super technology in a place called The Vault, hidden somewhere on Pandora. As a result every lowlife, scumbag and psycho in the universe has come to the planet to look for it. There's a prophecy that predicts that only the daughter of Eridian can open the Vault. And guess what, Tiny Tina, Ariana Greenblatt was created by Atlas to be that 'daughter of Eridian'. Or is she...
This is so clearly trying to be another Guardians of the Galaxy, with its band of wacky anti-heroes wise cracking their way from one middling action scene to the next. At no point do we fear our 'heroes' will die, so there's no jeopardy. It follows the three-act structure to a tee, but it's all a toothless feeble dirge shoe horned with a 12A cert, which means the rudest swearwords are piss and shit, which is also the phrases I'd use to describe this film.
As a rule, Cate Blanchett is a great actress, who really delivers the goods, however in this she is the single worst aspect of the whole film, despite being the best actress by a country mile. The trouble is she looks and feels deeply uncomfortable in the role. For every shot she stands posed, hips tilted, arm raised, gun cocked, looking stiff and awkward, probably embarrassed by shit her character has to say which passes for dialogue.
Everyone in this awful pissy piece of shit is crap, although Kevin Hart actually manages the unexpected by being the least horrible and most likeable of the characters. Although that's not saying much. They're all just smug, self-serving arseholes, quipping and killing with impunity, just hateful. And worst of the bunch is Jack Black's Claptrap who, in the film's 'funniest' scene has a bout of bullet diarrhoea.
I saw this because I thought the trailer looked fun. But you shouldn't be duped or fooled, this is a crapfest of epic proportions that doesn't transcend it's crappiness to become something good, or funny. No, siree this remains persistently crap for all of it's piss-soaked 102 minute running time.
It's generic, bland, and dull, in fact it's not even bad enough to be boring, it just remains consistently dull.
Everyone in this awful pissy piece of shit is crap, although Kevin Hart actually manages the unexpected by being the least horrible and most likeable of the characters. Although that's not saying much. They're all just smug, self-serving arseholes, quipping and killing with impunity, just hateful. And worst of the bunch is Jack Black's Claptrap who, in the film's 'funniest' scene has a bout of bullet diarrhoea.
I saw this because I thought the trailer looked fun. But you shouldn't be duped or fooled, this is a crapfest of epic proportions that doesn't transcend it's crappiness to become something good, or funny. No, siree this remains persistently crap for all of it's piss-soaked 102 minute running time.
It's generic, bland, and dull, in fact it's not even bad enough to be boring, it just remains consistently dull.
This is the dullest film I've seen since Madame Webb, which this isn't even bad enough to worse than.
Bland, dull, and piss-awfully shit. 2/10
Bland, dull, and piss-awfully shit. 2/10
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