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STARRING: Lewis Pullman, Makenzie Leigh, Alfre Woodard, John Benjamin Hickey, Bill Camp. Written and directed by Gary Dauberman. Running time 113 minutes.
Writer Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman) returns to his childhood town of Jerusalem's Lot to research something or other to do with his parents who died when he was a child in a car crash and a creepy old house that over looks the town owned by the mysterious Mr Straker and a man called Barlow, who own the local antique shop. Then people start going missing and no one seems to care, whole families die, but no one investigates. Then Ben sort of finds out vampires are responsible and so puts together a team of vampire hunters that includes his girlfriend (Makenzie Leigh), the only attractive young woman in the town, a school teacher (Bill Camp) a child soldier (Jordan Preston) and the town doctor (Alfre Woodard) who only have 5 minutes of each day to try and stop the vampire menace before you know shade occurs due to the setting sun. Then the film limps to a showdown so dull and boring that you feel as if your own will to live has been drained from your body.
Filled with characters doing stupid things regardless of the evidence presented to them, where our heroes split up with just 5 minutes to go till sundown, where kills happen off camera, and events aren't so much telegraphed but actually high-lighted by huge neon signs that flash 'this is important for later'.
Look, I can't be arsed to rant about this pathetic piece of shit poor excuse for a movie, it's shit. Lazy, boring, and horribly bland. There's no depth to it and all the glorious world building of Stephen King's book is dumped for a series of pathetic jump scares that don't jump and don't scare. It's all filmed with energy saving low wattage bulbs and features a group of characters who are so staggeringly stupid that they deserve to die at the hands of vampires.
The ending, or showdown when it finally rolls slowly round the corner is so obvious I guessed not just the location of the vampire horde, but how the young boy soldier would kill all of the vampires in one go. And then the final boss battle is over so quickly you're left surprised assuming there's something more to come, but thank the fucking lord there isn't and you can escape back into the light.
Filled with characters doing stupid things regardless of the evidence presented to them, where our heroes split up with just 5 minutes to go till sundown, where kills happen off camera, and events aren't so much telegraphed but actually high-lighted by huge neon signs that flash 'this is important for later'.
Look, I can't be arsed to rant about this pathetic piece of shit poor excuse for a movie, it's shit. Lazy, boring, and horribly bland. There's no depth to it and all the glorious world building of Stephen King's book is dumped for a series of pathetic jump scares that don't jump and don't scare. It's all filmed with energy saving low wattage bulbs and features a group of characters who are so staggeringly stupid that they deserve to die at the hands of vampires.
The ending, or showdown when it finally rolls slowly round the corner is so obvious I guessed not just the location of the vampire horde, but how the young boy soldier would kill all of the vampires in one go. And then the final boss battle is over so quickly you're left surprised assuming there's something more to come, but thank the fucking lord there isn't and you can escape back into the light.
Everytime 'they' remake a Stephen King movie they get it wrong, Firestarter, Carrie, Pet Semetary spring to mind. How anyone can get this so wrong is very sad, the 1980s TV mini-series with David Soul and James Mason is infinitely superior and I urge you to watch that over this pile of steaming, excrement.
Truly this is one of the worst films I've seen all year and has nothing to recommend it. It's one of those films that so bad, it's bad, and not bad in a good way, but bad in the way that freshly trodden on dog shit can smell bad, bad.
Truly this is one of the worst films I've seen all year and has nothing to recommend it. It's one of those films that so bad, it's bad, and not bad in a good way, but bad in the way that freshly trodden on dog shit can smell bad, bad.
2/10
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