#37: JOY RIDE

 

Starring Ashley Park, Sherry Cola, Stephanie Hsu and Sabrina Wu. Written by Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Teresa Hsiao from a story by Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Teresa Hsiao and Adele Lim. Produced by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, James Weaver, Josh Fagen, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Teresa Hsiao and Adele Lim. Directed by Adele Lim. Running time 95 minutes long.

It's an ensemble comedy which can only mean one thing, Road Trip!

The plot sees four Chinese girls head to China under the guise of closing a business deal where some hilarity ensues to a degree, some of it funny, some of it insanely cringey and some of it downright awful. One of the girls was adopted as a baby and is very Americanised, she learns the errors of her ways and sets out to track down her birth mother. Her high-school best friend, a budding artist obsessed with sex creates bizarre sexual sculptures, while her other friend, an ex-college friend, is now a famous Chinese actress. And finally along for shits and giggles is Dead Eye is a techno nerd and friend of the artist who's there to bring a sense of wackiness and strangeness.

The four girls bicker, encounter an white American drug mule, take copious, as in, lethal amounts of drugs, have wild sex with a group of American basketball players, fall-out, pretend to be K-Pop stars, and act so outrageously it borders on the insane. Actually the sex scene is perhaps the funniest part of the film. 

Many of the jokes land, but for me the gross-out nature of the humour rang false and is merely there to shock, none more so than a pussy cat tattoo which proves to be the absolute pinnacle of the movie, or nadir depending on your point of view. I felt Bridesmaids did it far better.

Following rigidly the three act structure of Syd Fields the film is basically a series of over-the-top skits all cobbled together into a sort of plot with a feel good gooey centre and a lesson about truth and friendship and finding out who you are. At the end of act two the friends fall-out, valuable life lessons are learned and the friends reunite and bond all over again in the third act, before the obligatory 'One Year Later' caption when we see the friends embark on a new group trip. Oh, how we laughed. 

7/10

#36: SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

 

Directed by David Hand, Perce Pearce, William Cottrell, Larry Morey, Wilfred Jackson and Ben Sharpsteen. Story by Ted Sears, Richard Creedon, Otto Englander, Dick Rickard, Earl Hurd, Merrill De Maris, Dorothy Ann Blank and Webb Smith. Voices by Adriana Caselotti, Roy Atwell, Pinto Colvig, Otis Harlan, Scotty Mattraw, Billy Gilbert. Running time 83 minutes.

With a story as old as time, well 1812, this 1937 musical fantasy adaptation is the film that started it all, the first-ever full-length animated movie spearheaded by visionary Walt Disney. A film that very nearly bankrupted both Disney the man and the company, a film described in its day as Disney's folly. However its legacy is truly extraordinary, one of the first 25 films to be preserved in the Library of Congress, one of the top ten highest grossing films of all times earning over $8 million dollars off of a budget of $1.5 million. 

The story based on the Brother's Grimm original sees the innocent, beautiful and delightful Snow White forced to live in the forest to escape the murderous intent of her wicked step-mother. Lead by the forest creatures, Snow White finds the house of the Seven Dwarfs and becomes their surrogate mother, and starts to live happily ever after, that is until her step-mother discovering her step-daughter is still alive poisons her with a cursed apple. 

I've not seen this film at the cinema since I was a child and I've not watched it for well over 20 years, indeed i don't think I ever showed it to my children. so that said it was amazing how ingrained this is in my psyche and likewise how much seemed strangely new, I'd forgotten it was for all intensive purposes a musical and I'd forgotten just how delightful it was. A film so charming, gentle and sweet-natured that you fall hook, line and sinker for its beguiling charm so much so that when the wicked queen turns into the terrifying old lady and gives the apple to Snow White, you're genuinely mortified.

I marvelled at the sheer artistry on show here, the staggering animation, the beauty of it all, all hand-drawn and painted, no cgi trickery, and only the minimal use of optical tricks. The opening tracking shot into the castle is a marvel and the character animation is perfection. And the clever use of rotoscoped human motion capture animation is peerless.

It's a film that doesn't outstay its welcome, running at a brisk 83 minutes, and put to shame the truly horrendous animated trailers for new films that ran before it. 

There's no cringey life-lessons to be learned here, no twee little tale about cute animals going on a quest, or some crass no-stakes adventure. It's a shame the modern day animated movies have moved so far from their source and become so generic, similarly it's a shame that Disney itself has become so safe and risk adverse, you could never imagine them making something like this, or Pinocchio ever again. Modern day films need messages and lessons to be learned, they need strong sassy wise-cracking teenagers and those dwarfs, awkward. 

Go and see this on the big screen and be delighted as you were when you first saw it, the kids who were in the cinema this morning were engrossed, and enthralled in a way you just don't normally see in modern day cinemas.

An utter cinematic delight. 10/10  

 

#35: MEG 2: THE TRENCH

Starring Jason Statham, Wu Jing, Sophia Cai, Page Kennedy, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, Skyle Samuels and Cliff Curtis. Screenplay by Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber and Dean Georgaris. Directed by Ben Wheatley. Budget $129 million. Running time 116 minutes. 

The three screenplay writers and also the guys responsible for the story had a big problem. They just couldn't agree on a story for this second film. Should it be a sequel retreading the same beats as the first but with a different Megalon or should it be something new? They all agreed they wanted to try something new, but should it be a big budget version of Walking With Dinosaurs? How-about a reworking of Deep Blue Sea crossed with The Abyss with a group of scientists and workers besieged by sharks on a rapidly sinking deep sea research laboratory? Should it be Die Hard on the high seas with not one, not two, but THREE massive Megalon sharks adding a further dimension, how about an underwater heist movie? Or should it be Jurassic World, with a holiday resort terrorised by a bunch of humungous Megalon sharks? The trouble was they just couldn't agree. They argued for days, then weeks, then months until one of them had an epiphany moment, what-if we do all of them? The three writers burst into tears, gosh weren't they clever, they all agreed. What a brilliant idea.

And that was what they did. Not one story, not two but four completely different stories vaguely linked in someway, usually by THE STATH (Jason Statham) oh and some MASSIVE PREHISTORIC SHARKS, but only when we remember them. The producers were excited but had a note. 'Can we please have dinosaurs too.'

And that's the plot of this wretched piece of sewage, a film so shit, it's almost like it was financed by the combined might of the water companies.

It starts with THE STATH infiltrating an illegal nuclear waste dumping operation on the high seas, before finally arriving at the research base Mana One above the Trench leading to the discovery of an illegal mining operation in the trench itself and not one but two disabled submarines stuck at the bottom of the sea. Then it's back upstairs for the brief Die Hard sequence on board Mana One, with three massive Meladons in hot pursuit and something else, something that eats giant Megadons - a giant squid, or in this case, a tentacle, then it's a race off to the holiday resort for the final sequence, where THE STATH faces off against the beasties with some jury-rigged exploding spears. 

Shoe-horned into the bloated cast are a stepdaughter for THE STATH, and a Diversity-bingo card checklist of secondary characters and a generic band of limitless bad guys, lead by a Spanish henchmen all working for the generic rich British CEO of a global corporation who's financing the mining operation that only exists in the Trench. Oh and a pack of dinosaurs that somehow managed to survive over 65 million years. 

Obviously because this is a Chinese financed movie the film is packed with a horde of Chinese characters and Chinese sensibilities, and the whole third act sequence that takes place on 'FUN ISLAND' which is populated by beautiful Chinese people and fat, obnoxious Americans who all die horribly. Oh and the dog from the first film. The script contains only sound bites and memes, the violence which often results in death is utterly blood free and bullets only kill when fired by the heroes. Much of the first hour is filled with subtitles and The Stath delivers a truly generic and blank performance, even more so than usual. The main baddy, leader of the underwater villains returns to life over and over again until he's finally eaten by a Megalon. 

Oh, yes the sharks, sorry Megalons. They're barely in it. They're mostly forgotten and only appear vaguely until the final showdown on Fun Island, heavily featured in the trailer, but woefully underused and wasted in this putrid liquid crap. 

One character is torn to pieces in the back of a helicopter leaving not one drop of blood, a piece of cloth or any gubbins at all. Oh and there is a hilarious midair helicopter refuelling that is so staggering stupid and implausible as to render everything else utterly unbelievable.

This is a water-logged, boring and crushingly tedious movie that plumbs new depths of blandness. Added to this was the shaky cam approach to each and every action scene.

Which is a real shame because the trailer, the best thing about this film, seemed to indicate it all took place in a holiday resort, which would have been fantastic. Sadly the writers had other ideas and Ben Wheatly was too busy counting his fat wads of money to care.

Shit, bland and almost completely without merit. And do not under any circumstances, if you choose to go and see this crap take the 3D option. Worst use of 3D ever.

3/10

#34: OPPENHEIMER- REVISIT

Starring Cillian Murphy, Robert Downey Jr, Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Florence Pugh, Josh Hartnett, Casey Affleck, Rami Malek, Kenny Branagh and Tom Conti. Written and directed by Christopher Holan. MUSIC BY LUDWIG GöRANSSON. Budget a mere $100 million, running time 180 minutes.

After a quick three word review? Well here it is. 

LONG AND LOUD

However, if you're after something a little bit more measured, please read on.

A film that's been brilliantly marketed for a good seven months, building a sense of expectation, helped in no small part in the fact that the cult of Christopher Nolan shows no signs of breaking, with each film hailed as a masterpiece even before its been released, indeed his last effort the woeful Tennet was described as the saviour of the film industry being as it was the first film released after Covid. In fact his films have reached such near mythical status that it's bordering on cancel culture to dislike or diss them or him, and verily he is being positioned as the 21st Century Kubrick.

And whoever came up with the idea of the idea of convincing the general public to watch this alongside Barbie as a double bill needs to receive a Nobel prize for something, probably not one of the science awards, but something, cos it was bloody genius. 

So what of Oppenheimer, well sorry but it didn't blow me away, truly it nearly deafened me, but there was no blowing going on.

A historical biopic about both the creator of the atom bomb, and the bomb itself this is a film that hits the ground running and just doesn't stop, like a 10,800 second fast burning fuse, this film fizzes and burns at such a furious pace that you never have a chance to wallow in it, as you would a Kubrick, or savour its exquisite delights before the next scene is battering you stupid. 

Gloriously acted by Cillian Murphy, who is simply astonishing and Robert Downey Jnr who delivers a masterclass in acting and together they explode on the screen, their chemistry and sheer acting prowess is staggering to behold, however that's not to say that anyone in this film delivers anything other than a superb performance, because they don't. Everyone and everything about this film in front of and behind the camera delivers a film of such power skill, and professionalism that its a truly wondrous thing to behold. 

So it's a shame this is only worthy of an 8/10.

It's too loud, far too loud, the sound mix is cranked up to 11 and you strain to hear the actors over the music that never lets up and fills each and every scene and nearly every minutes with nonstop sound, I can't remember another film where I've been so aware of the soundtrack apart from Gods of Egypt. The sounds screams at you telling you at every scene how you should be feeling lest the visuals fail to convey the same emotion, so when the --

SPOILER ALERT

-- Atom bomb is finally detonated the sheer humungous roar of the explosion seems somewhat sedate in comparison. 

That added to the fact the film positively races relentlessly from beginning to end made this somewhat of a chore to experience, although its a delight to see that Hollywood is still making films like this and it's a joy that a director like Nolan keeps making movies for grownups. 

Deeply satisfying yet somewhat disappointing. 

8/10 

REVISIT - 2/6/24
Having not seen this since its release I was curious to watch it again, perhaps, or so I thought to enjoy over the course of a Bank Holiday Sunday.
 
Sadly, dear reader, after three attempts to watch this I bailed, and the issues I had on first viewing 'it' up there on the big screen were magnified 10 fold when watched at home.  

It's the relentlessness of it, its breakneck speed, it's never stopping to catch its breath, its never pausing, it's just GO! GO! GO!!!!! And because this is a marathon of a movie and not a sprint it's just bloody irritating. It's like everyone involved is running very, very fast while at the same time shouting very loudly. There's never a let-up, I mean, even when Oppenheimer is enjoying a camping trip on his family ranch with his mates the wind is so furious and loud that it pummels the actors and deafens us, leaving you straining to hear what they're talking about.

Add to that, the sound balance ricochets all over the place, so much so that I was lunging for the remote control to fiddle with the sound level every few minutes least my wife who seems to think it's my fault volume goes from whisper to shouty-loud, while then the music bellows into submission. 

Did someone whisper in Nolan's ear that you mustn't give the audience any respite from the visual or audio whilst watching his films and that every second must be accounted for?

Anyway, this will now remain unwatched, I have no inclination to return to it for a fourth time and so I'm giving up on it and sending it off to CEX to make £1.00. Hopefully. 

6/10

#33: BARBIE

 

Starring Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, America Ferrera, Kate McKinnon, Michael Cera, Issa Rae, Rhea Perlman and Will Ferrell. Written by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, directed by Greta Gerwig. Budget $145 million. Running time 114 minutes.

Life is good in Barbie Land for Barbie, all Barbies, everyday is a party be it on the beach, at work, or the nightly girls-night disco, dance-off variety. It never rains, and every one is happy, happy, happy! 

That is until Stereotypical Barbie (Margot Robbie) begins to think about death, stops walking on her toes and starts doubting her existence. And don't talk to me about Ken (Ryan Gosling), he doesn't even have a home. 

Realising something is off, Barbie heads off to talk to Weird Barbie (Kate McKinnon) and before you can say, what-the-what, she's off on a quest to the real world to find the little girl to whom Barbie belongs to and find out what's making her so sad. While Ken, who stows away tags along for the ride and his discovery of masculinity is an absolute hoot!

And that's the plot. Obviously apart from the male patriarchy issues that Barbie or more significantly Ken brings back to Barbie Land, oh and Mattel's attempts to stop her and put her back in her box, the brainwashing of the other Barbies and the destruction of everything Barbie knows and loves. 

Referencing almost every Barbie ever made, as well as its creator, and also its inspiration and all the discontinued Barbie dolls including Sasha, Gloria, Midge, Skipper, Pregnant Barbie, and Alan (Michael Cera) Ken's best friend, and you have a movie packed with characters, and I haven't even mentioned the human ones on this side of the portal lead by the CEO of Mattel (Will Ferrel). 

A great cast, Margot and Ryan were born for these roles, the humour is sharp and tight, the film had me from the get-go with a glorious homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey. And the message it preached brilliantly walks the thin line between enlightening and overly worthy and condescending, never falling into a 'what a wonderful lesson we've all learned here today', like Dr Who did with its woeful Rosa Parks episode. And it's safe to say that there are going to be a lot of men who are going to get triggered and royally triggered by this film, thus missing the joke entirely. 

Visually this film is a treat, Barbie town is lovingly re-created and the attention to detail is spot on, and the continuity within this fictitious world is brilliant. With a strong female bias, THIS is a funny, clever and thoroughly entertaining movie, that doesn't outstay its welcome, and most certainly doesn't need a male reviewer to mansplain it to any female readers.

Go, enjoy. It's a bloody treat!

8/10

#32: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING PART ONE

 

Starring Tom Cruise, Hayley Atwell, Ving Rhames, Simon Pegg, Rebecca Ferguson, Vanessa Kirby and Henry Crzerny. Written by Christopher McQuarrie and Erik Jendresen. Directed by Christopher McQuarrie. Budget $290 million. Running time 163 minutes.

Cruise returns to playing his favourite character Ethan Hunt for a globe trotting spectacular that not only doesn't outstay its welcome but also manages the impressive feat of seeming to be over in the flash of an eye, I was amazed when the credits started rolling after 2 hours and 47 minutes later. 

The plot of this the seventh film in the franchise couldn't be easier to explain and sees all the governments and intelligence agencies of the world lose their collective minds over the opportunity of possessing a self-learning, seemingly self-aware AI programme that can penetrate any and all computer systems. Unleashing various groups of spies, agents, thieves and neer-do-wells to locate a two-piece key that will lead them to location of the device known as The Entity and it's up to Ethan and his IMF team to jolly well stop them, or die trying. And that's it! 

Tying together all the various locations are a series of action beats, stunts and plot exposition that never disappoint, never out stay their welcome and never become boring. There's no soggy middle and because this is the first part of a two parter no disappointing conclusion.  

The cast are all excellent, Cruise, love him or loathe him, is the last great movie star and carries this film single-handily. He brings such an easy charm and presence to the proceedings and his supporting cast are equally strong and up to the challenge of not outshining their boss. The film still manages to bring to the table a subtle sense of humour which certainly helps to ground the film, which is important for a film this fantastical and bat-shit bonkers. This feels like a big Bond film and since the demise of the world's favourite spy Mission Impossible amply fills the gap. 

McQuarrie handles the action expertly and keeps the action moving briskly and enthusiastically. 

It's also a pleasure to say that the much trailed cliff jump seen in the trailer isn't the a spoiler nor the best stunt of the film, but it sure is astonishing. Interesting to note that earlier last month the latest tedious and over-blown Farce and Furious movie, 'Fast X' dragged its sorry arse to the starting line and delivered a lacklustre and dull movie spouting the importance of family and other such shit. It also featured a sequence in Rome with car chases down the Spanish Steps, which due to some dull and ugly CGI looked as fake as anything else in the Uncanny Valley. In MI:DR it's a spectacular and exhilarating sequence. Having Cruise perform so many stunts himself really gives this film a reality that excites and delights in equal measure.

The first summer blockbuster that didn't disappoint and didn't elicit a 'that's better than I thought it would be.' I loved it, and can't wait to see it again.

9/10

#31: INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

 

Starring Harrison Ford, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Mads Mikkelsen, Antonio Banderas, John Rhys-Davies, Toby Jones and Boyd Holbrook. Written by Jez Butterworth, John-Henry Butterworth, David Koepp and James Mangold. Directed by James Mangold. Music by John John-Henry. Running time 154 minutes. Budget $300 million. 

Oh boy! Another sequel no one was screaming out for, but at least this is only number five in the series and not number Ten. Bringing back long-in-the-tooth Harrison Ford to play good old Indiana Jones, everyone's favourite grave-robbing octogenarian for one last adventure. Like I say, this is what the kids of today have been crying out for! An 80 year-old action hero whose last appearance was 15 years ago. 

This time round, we Join Indiana back in zee war fighting Nazis for bragging rights on the Lance of Longius, the spear that stabbed Jesus. However once Jones and Toby Jones's Basil Shaw stumble upon one half of Archimedes' Dial they set off on another adventure, one that'll consume their lives for the next twenty five years. Ultimately it will re-unite Jones with Mads Mikkelsen's ex-Nazi Doctor Voller, who's now working for NASA, with whom Jones originally stole the Dial from back in 1944. Now it's 1969 and as the world celebrates Man's landing on the Moon, Indiana Jones's Goddaughter, Helena Shaw (Phoebe Waller-Bridge), daughter of the dead Basil Shaw who pops up to rob Indiana of the Dial and contribute to the murder of two innocent bystanders, don't worry they won't be the last), thanks to her actions she'll also be responsible for the deaths of several other people, but since they're were no better than NPCs who cares?

Turns out she's a ruthless grave-robbing treasure-hunter willing to sell-out anyone to make a fast buck off rare archaeological items, like the Dial. From then on it's a race across some of Europe in search of the other half of the Dial that brings the Godfather and Daughter together in a race against the Nazis from finding the Dial of Destiny, which it is rumoured to be able to change history, literally.

I've been looking forward to this one ever since the first trailer. I was hoping it would be the one great blockbuster of the year. I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark ever since I first saw it back in 1981. Of the rest I've never been a fan of Temple of Doom (1984), which I found too mean spirited and nasty, although I rather enjoyed Last Crusade (1989) and as to Crystal Skull (2008) I have to admit I really didn't like, no siree. 

Raiders, was one of those rare note-perfect movies, a wonderful piece of film making and a great example of 'lightening in a bottle', which 'they' Spielberg and Lucas were never able to recapture the magic again. This time round with both of them gone, the reins have been passed over to James Mangold as director and four people as writers. So, what does that give us?

Well, I'm said to say a rather one-note and flat adventure that never really engages, the plot is propelled purely by coincidence, Indie just stumbling across the next plot hole as if by magic. Progressing in a steady stroll from A to zee, crossing every 'T' and dotting every 'i', there's no drama, no real excitement just a sedate quest journey across Europe looking for the next McMuffin until the baddies seem to have won and Indie and Goddaughter team up to thwart Mads and return the status quo. 

You need to suspend your disbelief as a putt-putt rickshaw manages to outrace a Jag in a car chase through Morocco, while Indie survive death-defying injuries time-after-time, and various events happen just to keep things moving along. Plus it doesn't help that we're reminded that Indie's just too old for this shit.

A very generic and flat adventure that featured some genuinely creepy looking de-aging CGI, some so-so woefully CGI effects, including a terrible run across the roofs of a moving train and some distracting Uncanny Valley CGI. 

Sadly, it just doesn't engage, it's not that exciting and it's all very pedestrian. Oh, and there's just too much Phoebe, her character is so unlikeable and unpleasant that it's hard for her to win us over, but ultimately she does, late in the third act. But it's not all bad, it's an okay film, it's just it should have soared, instead it's just very average and far too long. The original Raiders of the Lost Arc managed to be a million times better and do it in a delightful and brisk 115 minutes, which is a bum-numbing 39 minutes shorter than this bloated outing and boy do you feel it. 

Although this is far better than Crystal Skull and far more enjoyable than Temple of Doom it's still a film that you might be better off watching at home. 

I came out of this unmoved and rather flat. It was okay while on, but the plot-holes and contrivances were just too distracting and I wasn't as enthralled and gripped as I was by the others, even Crystal Skull.

7/10