#45: NUN II

Starring Taissa Farmiga, Jonas Bloquet, Storm Reid, Anna Popplewell and Bonnie Aaroons. Written by Ian Goldberg, Richard Naing and Akela Cooper from a story by Akela Cooper and based on characters by James Wan and Gary Dauberman. Directed by Michael Chaves. Budget $35 million. Running time 110 minutes.

When I used to work in Soho, a long time ago, I became fascinated by the postcards put up in the phone boxes by local prostitutes and in particular one card that read: "THERE'S NUN BETTER AT PLEASING A MAN." the woman declaring herself to be an actual ex-nun before adding, underneath, "BEST NIPPLES IN TOWN." Sadly I never got to find out whether that second part of her statement was true, but I was reminded of it going in to see this film, a sequel to a film I've never seen and a spin off to a franchise I've not seen either which itself spawned three films. 

I wonder whether I'll be able to follow what's going on...

Nun II sees our heroine sent off to investigate a spat of horrific deaths that seem reminiscent to what she faced in the first film and leads her and her sidekick to a rundown girls school where a groundsman, who was in the first film might or might not be harbouring, against his will, the demon who looks like a nun, who the good nun faced last time round. After that, there's a lot of murky, gloomy, dark corridors for the victims, mostly young school girls, five girls at most to run down, or fall down in, which they do a lot, all the while being chased by a goat man and the bad nun until the good nun finds the thing that can defeat the bad one before some portal or whatnot is opened, and good triumphs and the next film is set up.

Look, I haven't the foggiest what was going on, it was quite effective, the kills were entertaining and gruesome, and I did find it fascinating that these horror films are so heavily Christian in nature, God vs the Devil, good Vs evil. The film was also incredibly female-centric, which was nice and there was something quite satisfying about watching the bad nun getting her comeuppance at the end. 

It didn't fill me with loathing, it was mildly entertaining and I wasn't bored, so almost a winner, winner chicken dinner, but with no gravy.

7/10 

#44: RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER: VENGEANCE

Starring Craig Fairbass, Sadie Frost, Tara Fitzgerald, Phil Davis, Geoff Bell, Emily Wyatt, Stephen McCole, Jamie Foreman, George Russo and ArrDee. Written byAndrew Loveday and Jason Maza. Directed by Nick Nevern. Running time 118 minutes.

The sixth in the series based incredibly loosely on characters and events from infamous Rettendon Range Rover murders of 1995 sees perennial 'eavy Pat Tate (Craig Fairbrass) go on a bloody rampage to avenge the death of 'is mate's 'orrible death at the 'ands of a shady bunch of Eurogangsters, but who is the sinister figure orchestrating events just off camera? 

I've got a soft spot for the Rise of the Footsoldiers franchise, I've watched ever instalment and found myself absorbed by the brutal ugly underworld of 1990s Essex. That said, I'll heartedly agree they're not for everyone, but there's an element of exceedingly black humour that runs through the films that I find very funny.

In fact, the violence, swearing and downright thuggery that goes on in the films is so brutal and so ridiculously over the top that it's almost Verhoeven-esq in its approach and thus causes the film to transcend reality into a sort of OTT slapstick, ultra-violent version of the God Father but with far more swearing and people shouting "Leave 'im, Terry, 'e's not worf it!".

Definitely not big, not clever but enjoyable nevertheless and this one is the best in the series and paves the way for a sequel. Plus I've meet Craig Fairbass in 'real life' and he's a lovely man.

7/10

#42 & 43: EQUALIZER 3 & SOUND OF FREEDOM

                    

 
Equalizer 3

Starring Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, David Denman, Sonia Ammar and Remo Girone. Written by Richard Wenk. Directed by Antoine Fuqua. Running time 109 minutes. Budget $70 million.

I have decided to review both of these together because I saw them as a double bill and it felt right to do so. 

Both in a way feel like a throw back to the glory days of the 1980's Cannon movies and both of these films could easily have been made with then stars Charles Bronson in Equalizer 3 and Chuck Norris in Sound of Freedom.

Of the two, Equalizer 3 is the most enjoyable of the two and the most enthusiastically over-the-top, whereas Sound of Freedom is an overly earnest and serious film with not one iota of lightness, perhaps because of its 'based on real life' and subject matter which let's be honest doesn't lend itself well to humour. 

Equalizer 3 finds its titular hero Robert McCall ("double 'c', double 'll'") still played by Denzel Washington recovering from a near-fatal gunshot injury following a seemingly successful and very brutal attack on the vineyard of an Italian Mafia operation, but why? All will finally be revealed. In between is McCall's slow recovery in a beautiful remote costal town which is struggling under the yoke of the Mafia who have plans to turn the town into a holiday resort and mean to oust the inhabitants. Trouble is McCall has finally found his home and has no intention of giving in to the savagely brutal antics of the Mafia's boss and his wayward brother who ends up dead prompting a bloody showdown between McCall and Vincent - the boss. 

This is a by-the-numbers action flick of the sort that Cannon used to churn out back in the 80s and it brought back many fuzzy warm feelings of delight and I was hooked. Slightly fumbling the ball in the third act the film manages to regain its footing and delivers a meaty ending and a reveal as to what brought McCall to Italy in the first place. The location of Altamonte is a welcome addition to the proceedings and that added to that Denzel's charisma and Antoine Fuqua's masterful action direction elevates this film to something deeply satisfying and enjoyable. 

8/10  

Sounds of Freedom

Starring Jim Caviezel, Mira Sorvino and Bill Camp. Written by Rod Barr and Alejandro Monteverde. Directed by Alejandro Monteverde. Running time 131 minutes. Budget $14.5 million.

Sounds of Freedom finds its hero, Tim Ballard (Jim Caviezel) - a Homeland Security Special Agent giving up his job, with 10 months to go before retiring, to rescue children kidnapped and trafficked by sex trafficking gangs in South America. Initially spurred into action by the kidnapping of a young brother and sister and at his wife's urging he heads off to Bogota and teams up with an ex-drug cartel accountant called Vampiro (Bill Camp) and a rich backer to set up a sting operation that ended up rescuing over 60 actual child slaves, the film in its closing credits shows actual footage from the police operation. 

It's an overly earnest and serious film that comes across deeply solemn and altogether far too ponderous. The camera appears to love long lingering close up shots of its handsome star as he emotes real tears that fill his eyes and flow almost at command, after the third go at this any power it has is lost. Bill Camp, who perhaps can't cry like his co-star, uses an endless supply of chewed up stumps of cigars as his acting tool pumping huge plumes of smoke into each scene, perhaps that's what set off Caviezel's crying?

Because the film is so desperate to remain truthful to its subject matter the build up the tropical island sting operation comes across all too pedestrian and loses all dramatic tension and ultimately you wish the film had been more of a documentary than a work of 'based on life' fiction. Ultimately the films pre credit info dump highlighting the shocking statistics of modern day child trafficking, the 5000% rise in online paedophila feels like an attempt to critic-proof the film and its personel message after the credits by Jim Caviezel himself feels deeply manipulative. 

Naturally in the Cannon version of this film, Tim Ballard would have been played by Chuck Norris and a lot more people would have had their teeth kicked out.

6/10

#41: THEATRE CAMP

 

Starring and written by Noah Galvin, Molly Gordon, Nick Lieberman and Ben Platt and directed by Molly and Nick. Also starring Jimmy Tatro, Patti Harrison, Nathan Lee Graham, Ayo Edebiri, Owen Thiele, Caroline Aaron, and Amy Sedaris. Running time 93 minutes. 

In a tale as old as time, but told through the modern over-used trope of a 'fly on the wall documentary', the film follows the adventures of the AdirondACTS Summer theatre camp. 

Set in upstate New York, the AdirondActs camp follows the lives of the various child performers, actors, dancers and wannabe agents over the course of a three week summer course. And then there's the staff of mostly failed but deeply eccentric actors, writers, dancers and performers, lead by the double act of failed actors Amos Klobuchar (Ben Platt) and Rebecca-Diane (Molly Gordon). The camp is run by Joan a passionate and determined owner/Principle who somehow manages to make the camp run, that is until this year when during a fund raising effort she slips into a strobe-light induced coma forcing her useless and thick as shit, but kind-hearted son Troy (Jimmy Tatro) to take over. But when the banks threaten to foreclose on the camp, Troy tries desperate means to raise the money, while an oblivious Amos and Rebecca mount a musical called Joan, Still – a celebration of their comatose principle's life, put on by the kids and shown to brilliant effect in the film's final act.  

The film presented as a film on the wall documentary starts very well and promises to be very funny but sadly the promise is sadly squandered and the film's main failing can be seen in the poster, where the adults shine big and brightly and the kids (the true stars) are seen small and tiny in the bottom left of the poster. Written and directed by the cast of simply 'fabulous' actors and performers who all think they're funny and in a word simply fabulous. They aren't terrible but every time they're on screen and doing their thang, you're waiting for the kids to come back.    

Choosing to focus on the adults rather than the kids is a major miss-fire, the kids bring pure heart and delight while the adults mug their way through their generic adventures 

Told across three weeks and with the use of captions, you yearn to see more of the kids struggling with their crazy classes or rehearsing the stage plays and shows that we're promised at the beginning, but the film becomes bogged down in Amos and Rebecca's deteriorating relationship. Naturally the film sticks closely to the classic three act structure and after the forced addition of a subplot involving a rival camp and a foreclosing bank, we finally get to see the show the kids have been rehearsing all summer on Parent's Night and it's fantastic! Revealing as it does the true star of the camp, who's been hiding in plain sight for the whole time and who steps up to save the day delivering a star-making turn. The show, Joan, Still manages to be funny, touching and the absolute star of the and reminded me of the brilliant shows put on by Max Fischer in Rushmore. 

And it has to be said that the various kid performers are fantastic and incredibly talented, there's a great gag about one of the boy performers coming out to his gay dads which is one of the high-lights of the movie. And there's a real sense that there's a lot that ended up on the cutting room floor. 

It's just a shame that the film didn't focus more on them and stick more closely to the concept of the documentary film approach because if it had then I think this would have been an easy 10/10 but sadly the film feels too disjointed and somewhat misguided and feels more like a showreel by the adult actors to Hollywood than a properly formed comedy. 

That said, it's still a fun and delightful movie, but only when the kids are allowed to shine.

7/10

#40: STRAYS

Starring the voice talents of Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, Randall Park, Brett Gelman and Will Forte. Written by Dan Perrault. Produced by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Directed by Josh Greenbaum. Budget $48 million. Running time 93 minutes.

When dog Reggie (Will Ferrell) gets abandoned in the big city by his vile human owner (Will Forte) he teams up with fellow strays Bug (Jamie Foxx), Maggie (Isla Fisher) and Hunter (Randall Park) for a cross country quest to get Reggie home so he can bite the dick off his human owner. 

Oh, I know what you're thinking, 'oh boy! this sounds like a modern day remake of that wonderful Disney film Incredible Journey, I bet it's going to be really funny!' And you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. 

Over the next deeply long 93 minutes much hilarity ensues. That is if your idea of hilarity is copious piss and shit jokes, and jokes about dog cocks, and people getting their dicks bitten off, and the hilarious results of overdosing on eating magic mushrooms, or ripping a warren of baby bunnies to pieces. Indeed, this film leaves no stone or turd unturned in its attempts to be as funny as fuck! So, it's sad to report that this just isn't that funny. Well, not funny in the old fashioned sense of the word. And certainly not funny in the way that old comedies used to be funny. Instead we have a typically unfunny modern comedy with just enough amusing moments to make you chortle and perhaps chuckle (all of which you've seen in the trailer). Indeed, it seems far more concerned with making sure our loveable cast of characters learn valuable life lessons about caring and working together and some such shit rather than mining any hilarity or jokes out of the situation, beyond the scatilogical and there are many lengthy and quite tedious sequences where the dogs discuss important human issues from a dog's point of view. That said there is one very funny sequence that sees the four dogs happily discussing Hunter's massive dog dick openly and without embarrassment which was rather funny.

That coupled with a totally unnecessary tacked on third act side mission just there to give one of the dodgy doggy characters closure in the closing sequence. At the end of the day, this is just one more deeply disappointing modern day so-called Hollywood comedies. So, not a comedy at all, just an utterly horrible remake of a true 1963 classic called Incredible Journey, that managed to invest its film with a heart, meaning and comedy while never once having to bite the penis off a man to get a laugh.

Although that said, it's the funniest scene in the film, well that and a great joke about a narrating Retriever. 

Not a totally dog's dinner but nevertheless it sure as shit ain't the dog's bollox.

4/10

 

 

#39 BLUE BEETLE

 

Starring Xolo Maridueña, Adriana Barraza, Damián Alcázar, Elpidia Carrillo, Bruna Marquezine, Raoul Max Trujillo, Susan Sarandon and George Lopez. Written by Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer and directed by Ángel Manuel Soto. Budget $104 million. Running time 127 minutes.

Based on a DC comic character that only hardcore comic fans will have heard of, this the latest effort from the DCEU and one of the last before DC desperately try and reboot the whole thing is played entirely as a comedy. With a wacky, Latino family as his comedy sidekicks our hero, Jamie Reyes (Xolo Maridueña) returns from college to find out his family are on their uppers, his dad's has survived a heart attack and lost his job, his sister has lost her job, they're all about to lose their house, his grannie is an ex-guerrilla and his uncle is a Stark level super genius inventor and computer wise. Meanwhile big (everybody hiss) baddie Victoria Kord (Susan Sarandon) is about to unleash her OMAC army and has found a scarab thing from outer space that will help her. Luckily Victoria's niece Jenny has other ideas and gives Jamie the scarab which promptly turns him into an armoured all-powerful superhero. Then the baddies attack, Blue Beetle goes through a hilarious training montage, someone dies to give our hero motivation and the baddy's henchman gets transformed into a being equal and slightly better than our hero for the big bad act 3 punch-up. Then sprinkled with the hilarious Mexican family who lead a rescue mission to save Blue Beetle, an army of disposable thugs to be merrily murdered with impunity, and a funny old Mexican lady who relives her glory days killing innocents in the jungle by murdering henchmen.  

Somehow This film delighted critics because, get this, it's not as shit as DCEU last few efforts, Blank Adam, Shazam Furry Knobs and The Flash (although I quite liked that!).

Feeling like as if the whole thing had been filmed in the 1980s, this film is a remake of RoboCop 2 crossed with Iron Man 2 and feels like a lazy panto, Susan Sarandon is horribly wasted as a villain and stops short of twiddling her moustache. It leaves no stone unturned in its attempt to tick off so many Super Hero Cliches as possible and believe me it's almost as if the writer and director stopped watching movies after 1990. At no point in this film do the actual authorities in the guise of the police arrive to investigate the explosions, killings and gun battles that litter this film. The Baddies super secret device is stolen with such ease it's almost as if the whole thing is written as an overlong SNL skit. 

There is no explanation as to how our hero can fight or why the Blue Beetle scarab has chosen him, it just does. Luckily for him Jenny Kord's old dad who 'mysteriously disappeared' has left his daughter a Batman-like Bat cave filled with super power computer tech which our hilarious Latino Uncle can easily access and use, that is when he's not inventing portable EMP devices out of house hold junk. Every character in this shit fest is a tedious generic woke-approved cypher of a character, with a check list of acceptable social tropes used instead of back story. And every baddy a dreadful Caucasian out to exploit our plucky dirt-poor, but good, ethnically diverse but pure heroes.

I'm so sick to death of these incredible devices that are given to heroes with no noticable abilities that can generate mass from nothing, there's never any explanation as to how these things work and can we just decide now that along with the whole sky portal McGuffin that we should retire any nanotech suits which just appear out of nothing. 

I sat through this letting the whole thing just wash over me, little was I to know that it was going to be a long night as my second film was due to start mere moments after the end of this one. 

There are two post credit stings, one sets up an uneeded sequel and the other is just filler.

4/10

#38: ENTER THE DRAGON

Starring Bruce Lee, John Saxon, Jim Kelly, Ahna Capri, Bob Wall, Shih Kien. Written by Michael Allin, directed by Robert Clouse. Music by Lalo Schifrin. Budget $850,000 Box office $400 million. Running time 102 minutes. 

In his all to brief life, Bruce Lee starred in just three movies before he died, and this his fourth and final film, not counting Game of Death was the first to be released posthumously and would be the film that turned him into a global superstar equal in stature to Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.

The film is slight in the story department. A Hong Kong martial artist master called Lee is asked by American intelligence to take part in a fighting tournament held once every three years by a mysterious crime lord called Han as a ruse to uncover his criminal activity. Along the way he teams up with Jim Kelly and John Saxon, and much action and death ensue.

The film's plot isn't why you go and see this, it's to see Bruce Lee in action, and he's simply astonishing, he is utterly magnetic and you can't take your eyes off him. He dominates each and every scene he's in and his athleticism, fighting skill and sheer presence is astonishing. Also is the setting of Hong Kong and last but by no means least the beautiful iconic musical score by Lalo Schifrin. 

The last Bruce Lee film I saw at the cinema was Game of Death back in 1980 in the Empire Cinema Bridgetown, Barbados. And to see Bruce in action 20 feet high was an utter treat. It's old fashioned, story wise it's dated, its attitudes are not in keeping with today's far more sensitive audiences, and it's about as deep as yogurt pot but I bloody loved it. 

8/10