#36: STAR SNORES EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM DENNIS

 STARRING: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Ian McDiarmid, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Pernila August and Frank Oz. Written and directed by George Lucas. Budget $115 million. Running time 134 minutes. Originally released in 1999.

I last saw this dreadful film back in 1999 on the day it opened. Now, 25 years later, I went back to watch it again, because my daughter who was born two months after it originally opened wanted to see it on the big screen, so off we went. 

Oh god, I'd forgotten just how unbelievably bad this sorry sac of shit truly was. Badly dated by some dreadful CGI (the droid army is awful), some very poor make-up effects, and some staggering racist vocal performances. I'd have to say that overall this film is a sorry, stinking pile of crap, not helped by a hackneyed script, wooden performances, bland cinematography and some very dreary direction from Lucas himself. 

The plot, bogged down in tedious discussions about Trade Federations and embargoes over the peace-loving white people of Naboo sees two genuinely inept Jedi masters sent to broker a deal between Naboo and a bunch of ugly Asian-themed aliens who are holding a beautiful white princess hostage on her peace loving planet. The Jedis get attacked, escape to the planet and basically run into plot point after plot point, and Jar Jar Binks in one of the most ludicrous moments I've ever seen in a movie, Liam Neeson's Jedi Master Qu-Gon literally runs into him while running away from an invading army. Rather than killing him on the spot, the two team up and the floppy eared twat, Jar Jar not Liam, spends the rest of the film being the most hateful thing George Lucas ever created. From then on it's a slow-motion car crash, till the boring ending brings this tedious mess to a full stop. While Qui-Gonk is dicking about with Jar Jar. The Jedi-twins land on Tatoonie with Queen Padmé Amidala, Natalie Portman in toe, and team up with cute precocious moppet Anakin Skywalker, Jake Lloyd, for a podrace before heading back to Nabpoo for the final fight with Daft Mao and a big battle between the droid army and a race of incredibly stupid underwater people whom it appears the rest of Naboo weren't aware of. Little Anakin steals a space ship with R2D2 and literally murders thousands of people in outer-space before the whole sorry shit-show winds down with an excruciating parade down the main street of Nabpoo where badly rendered CGI creatures and characters bob up and down while the music drones on and on and on and on. Finally, just before the will to live leaves your body, the screen irises to black and you get return to your lives knowing you never have to see it again, ever. Hopefully.

I remember distinctly that this was deeply vilified by everyone who saw it originally and was used as a benchmark to compare the next two films in this turgid series, Attack of the Clowns and Revenge of the Pissed, with everyone saying, well at least it wasn't as bad as the Phantom Dennis. Which, in hindsight, was a genius move by old Lucas.   

There are only two good things in the whole film. The first is the Ben Hur inspired pod-race, and the second is Jar Jar Binks, no only fooling, it's Darth Maul (Ray Park). And that's only because compared to what's on either side of them these two things are at least exciting. That said, the Pod-race feels rather cringey at times and marred by added wacky comedy japes and moments. 

Oh god! I've just been triggered, all the crap in this film is washing over me again like a Nam flashback!

Here are a couple of plot holes that really cook my biscuits! There were more, many more but there's only so many hours in one day.

1. Are we expected to believe that Darth Vader, as a kid, built C3P0 from scratch? For a start he's a kid, like less than 10, also he's a slave so he has no money or resources, if he's so adept at making sodding robots why the hell is that big-nosed winged idiot of a master not utilising him in a more profitable manner? Incidentally, looking at the incomplete C3P0 droid it looks as if little Annie signed up for one of those weekly part-works magazines called 'Build Your Own Droid'. 

2. If little Anakin did built that stinking robot all by himself, then why the hell doesn't he mention it all those years later during any of the times they bump into each other.

I could go on, but I can't be arsed. This was shit when it was first released and it's remained massively shit since. Nothing to recommend it. 

Lucas made Star Wars with love and a vision, slowly over time it became a money making machine and ended up homogenised and devoid of an ounce of creative originality. There's no charm in this, no wonder, no sense of excitement, it's just a series of events strung together, long gone the thrill of the RKO serials that so inspired the young Lucas and absolutely nothing to make us gasp in delight.

It's probably not fair to compare this to Star Wars, the 22 year worth of canon doesn't help. Whereas the first one had freshness and excitement, this feels tired and a tad stale and whereas the first film sort of made it up as it went along, this one is forced to shoehorn a huge amount of backstory as it gives us a backstory to one of the greatest movie villains of all times, Darth Vader, although I've never understood why Lucas felt we needed to know his origin. Knowing he was once a cute, blond-haired muppet who loved his mum and built droids in his spare time only to later develope an oedipus complex for a much older woman doesn't enhance his character, if anything knowing he was a whiney know-it-all just makes him seem rather pathetic. Same goes for Obi Wan, as a wise old master Jedi he's fascinating, knowing he was a rather inept Jedi apprentice prone to emotional outbursts just weakens his character.

My advice stick to the original three movies and avoid EVERY thing else that's been made since, especially the endless TV shows, which have only distilled the franchise to the turgid sludge of tedium it is now. 

V. Poor. 3/10