#30: READY OR NOT 2: HERE I COME

 

STARRING: Samara Weaving, Kathryn Newton, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shawn Hatosy, David Cronenberg and Elijah Wood. Written by Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy. Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. Budget $10 million. Running time 108 minutes.

Maybe I'm getting old, but I get a thrill from reading that a film is only 108 minutes long. Not only that, but I booked my ticket for the 18:00 performance, so I should be done and dusted by 20:00, so already this film's off to a good start, infact it might even get an extra point. Time will tell. 

It might have taken 7 years to get this sequel to the 2019 movie, Ready or Not out, but the events, in this second part of a planned trilogy, take place scant seconds after that first film had finished. And I went in expecting a whole different plot this time round, I mean how could the same shit happen to the same girl twice?

Ooh, that's now. 

The plot sees Grace MacCaullay (Samara Weaving) kidnapped from a hospital by the Danforth family, having survived a deadly hide-and-seek game between her and the combined might of her husband and her in-laws in their sprawling family mansion as part of a black magic ritual. However, this being a sequel her nightmare isn't over, no it's just beginning, again, as she's dragged to another mansion and forced to play hide-and-seek again, with a whole new group of rival elite families, but this time with her estranged sister, Faith (Kathryn Newton) in tow, who's been kidnapped as an incentive. It turns out if Grace wins this game she'll claim the Seat of Ultimate Power. And this is why wedding gift lists are so important. And so begins a brutal and very bloody fight for survival. 

The first John Wick film was a true lighting in a bottle movie, it was a brilliant action film made with no follow on or sequel in mind. However when John Wick 2 rolled into view it came bogged down by back story, lore and rules. The same can be said of Ready or Not 2: Here I Come, which is forced to expand on the whole devil worshipping schtick of the first film and run with it. There's now a very complicated set of rules that dictate what the family can do and woe-betide anyone who breaks the rules.

Despite being billed as a horror/action/comedy, this plays it very straight at least for the first two acts, although by the third it really just lets rip with the violence and gore. Cos, this is a very gory and bloody film, the deaths are gruesome and the physical damage meted out to the two female leads is at times painful to watch. Samara Weaving is a game girl who luckily shares the same ability to shrug off near fatal injuries with a smile and a winch as John Wick did. The heart of this film arrives in the interplay between the two sisters and as their back story is revealed.

The elite family hunting them are just tropes and types, although there's an amusing bylaw that dictates that a member of each family must hunt the girls, leading to multiple members of each family having to take up the axe, shotgun, knife or sniper rifle when one of their number fall. 

It's moderately funny and only really comes to life in the final act. Overall it's a savage little flick with a passion for violent, gory deaths and the final confrontation elevated it from a 6/10. It may not be rocket science, or brain surgery, but it was bloody entertaining and rather funny. If you liked the first one, you'll probably love this one.  

7/10

#29: ARCO

 

VOCALLY STARRING: Roma Fay, Juliano Krue Valdi, Mark Ruffalo, Natalie Portman, WIll Ferrell, Andy Samberg, Flea, Roeg Sutherland, America Ferrera and Wyatt Danieluk. Written by Ug Bienvenu and Felix de Givry. Directed by Ugo Bienvenu. Produced by, among others, Natalie Portman. Music Araud Toulon. Budget 9.5 million Euros. Running time 89 minutes. 

This French science fiction animated film plays like a classic Hayao Miyazaki anime, and how wonderful to see a new animated film, drawn and not computer animated for a change, although not all of the hand drawn works, some of it is a tad clunky, and occasionally you can see when different studio takes over some of the shots. The colour palette of flat colour also feels fresh, it's been a while since I've seen that in a major release, and together this all helps to give the film a fresh and vital visual feel. Shame they had to resort to some AI assisted sound tricks though.

The story, set in the year 2932 sees the remnants of humanity living on platforms in a huge tree-like structures that rise up out of the flooded world into the clouds. It's a world of peace and beyond the flooded aspect rather idyllic. Living a life of tranquility, young 10 year-old Arco Dorell (Juliano Krue Valdi) yearns for adventure and coverts one of the rainbow flight suits his parents and sister wear. These suits, that leave a rainbow in their wake, allows the wearer to travel through time. You see, Arco's family are time travellers and use their rainbow flight suits to travel into the distant past to examine the dinosaurs and bring back samples of flora. Naturally their society dictates that no one under the age of 12 can use the suits, so obviously Arco being 10 is a massive dick, and so steals his sisters' suit and leaps off the platform to go and visit the dinosaurs. Naturally it goes wrong and little Arco crash lands in the year 2075, and into the life of fellow 10 year-old Iris (Romy Fay), an exceedingly bright but loney girl, and her baby brother, Peter who are both being looked after 24/7 by a robot nanny called Mikki (Mark Ruffalo and Natalie Portman), while their parents work away from home and only communicate via hologram. This is a world where robots seem to do all jobs, apart from the ones Iris's parents do. It's also a world being pummelled by nature through storms and wild fires. Each night huge glass dome cover the buildings and every day the robots repair the damage. One day while bunking off from school, Iris finds Arco unconscious in the woods and takes him home, unaware that she's being followed by three mysterious brothers, who all wear rainbow sunglasses and drive around in a van looking for rainbow travellers. Once home Iris and Arco start to bond and he explains what brought him to her. One day, Arco tries to fly away but can't, he's not strong enough and a vital crystal that powers the rainbow suit is missing. As a raging firestorm threatens Iris's town, she and Arco race off to the school, after her parents order Mikki to hand Arco over to the authorities. Chased by the three brothers, Mikki and the local police force Arco and Iris are chased through a truly apocalyptic forest fire inferno with tragic results and while the ending is never in doubt, the toll it exacts on Arco is truly heart wrenching. 

The story builds carefully, establishing the two worlds our lead characters inhabit, time is spent getting to know both Iris and Acro, which works exceedingly well to bond us to them. Iris's lonely home life with Mikki resonates strongly and grounds her, making her quick connection with Arco easily understandable. This is a film that kids over 8 will truly love, and although the third act becomes a tad too action-packed it's not to the detriment of the story. This film has a true heart at its core and beyond the comedic antics of the rainbow sunglass wearing three brothers, is played straight, something the likes of Pixar could takes notice of. Animated films don't have to have sassy, wacky kids as lead characters and comic book villains to be thwarted. The attention to detail in establishing Iris's world is brilliant and her world truly looks fresh and original. Using Miyaski as his benchmark is a shrewd move on behalf of Ugo Bienvenu and pays dividends for this, his directorial debut.

A satisfying and moving film, that would have been a solid 8 had it not been for the ending that is truly and deeply poignant. It's rare you see a child's film that eschews the usual pat lessons for one about the consequences of actions taken, and the cost of those actions. I admire this film for being brave enough to do what it does. This is well worth 89 minutes of your life, even more so if you have 8-year old or older children to watch this with, it's guaranteed to stimulate discussion and it's truly worth seeing. 

9/10

#28: PROJECT: HAIL MARY

STARRING: Ryan Gosling, James Ortiz, Sandra Hüller, Lionel Boyce, Ken Leung, Milana Vayntrub and Priya Kansara. Based on the book by Andy Weir. Screenplay by Drew Goddard. Directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Budget $248 million. Running time 156 minutes.

Astronaut Ryland Grace (Ryan Gosling) awakens from a medically induced coma on an interstellar flight to Tau Ceti, with no memory of why he's there and with the bodies of two dead crew mates as his only companions. Gradually, through flashbacks we find out just what the ruddy hell is going on and it's genuinely rocket science. It turns out that our sun and hundreds of others in our particularly arm of the galaxy are being eaten alive by something called Astrophage, a single cell organism. Well, all the suns except one, Tau Ceti. And so Ryland has been sent to find out why and maybe a cure before the Earth dies freezing. Trouble is, it's a suicide mission as Grace only has enough fuel for a one way trip. As his memory slowly returns and we discover more about his past, he arrives in orbit around Tau Ceti and discovers he's not alone in the universe. Waiting there is an alien spaceship from another part of the galaxy, whose sun is also being eaten alive and whose sole surviving inhabitant is also looking for a cure. The inhabitant is a strange, eyeless, six-legged, spider-like, rock creature who Rylan names 'Rocky' (James Ortiz) and together these two intrepid scientists search for salvation before the lights go out for both of their civilizations. Along the way bonding and becoming friends.

Based on the book by Andy Weir, who wrote the absolutely brilliant The Martian and adapted by Drew Goddard, who also adapted The Martian. It was a film I absolutely loved, one of Ridley Scott's best. And this shares a lot of the same DNA with that previous film, right down to the movie poster. 

It's also clear that Weir has tropes he likes to explore, as both his lead characters are marooned scientists using their wiles to survive and thrive, although this time round the stakes are global not personal. Both are 'hard' science fiction films eschewing space battles and killer transforming robots, but not aliens, which in this case is a good thing. Not since the exceptional 2016 movie, The Arrival has Hollywood presented us with an alien quite so, alien. 

Sadly for me, at least, the film starts off by slightly fumbling the ball by playing like a comedy with Gosling mugging, gurning and prat falling his way around the zero-G spaceship as he struggles with his amnesia and it somewhat undercuts the serious content. In the book Grace's amnesia was a fantastic way to get to know our lead character as glimpses of his forgotten life gradually restored his memory and built the plot. While here his memory loss is played mostly for laughs, not broad ones but still enough to put me slightly on edge. I suppose the trouble is I loved Grace in the book and the film seemed to be belittling him. I usually have no problems with adaptations of books into films, I know they are two separate mediums and as such I can't expect the film to be the book and wouldn't want it to be, but here the adaptations felt a less nuanced.

It's the introduction of Rocky, with his own tragic backstory, that elevates this film and gives it its heart as both beings develop a shared language and work together to defeat the Astrophaguel, or to find a cure. It's exciting, emotional and very entertaining. Gosling is easy on the eyes and can do this sort of role in his sleep. the puppetry of Ortiz and his crew pays dividends and I'm glad he wasn't just a CGI creation, having Gosling interacting with Rocky really nails the emotional connection. I'm so glad to see that this has gone down so well with the critics, scoring a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and I hope it does equally well at the cinema, I think word of mouth should work and propel this, it deserves it. I love these sort of one-and-done science fiction films that won't have sequels or overstretched franchises and I hope Hollywood keep on making them. What with this, Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die and Steven Speigberg's lastest Disclosure Day (out in July) this year looks to be a good one for original science fiction films and I hope it lasts. Before I sum off, special mention needs to be made of not just the script or the skills of directors Lord and Miller, but also the music and sound track. The film expertly uses classic rock and pop songs to great effect that help to elevate the tension and drama, while the soundtrack by Daniel Pemberton is very satisfying too. 

Over all this was an entertaining, satisfying, exciting and enjoyable adventure that moved me and made me laugh, indeed there's one gag that made me laugh so much the audience laughed at my reaction. The gag was: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "I don't do comedy." "I don't do comedy who?".

I went with daughter and wife. Daughter loved it and gave it a 9, wife not so and gave it a 7. Me...

I'd give it a solid 8/10. 

#27: BUGONIA

 

STARRING: Emma Stone, Jess Plemonds, Aidan Dlbis, Stavros Halkias and Alicia Silverstone. Screenplay by Will Tracy. Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos. Budget $55 million. Running time 118 minutes.

Convinced his boss, Michelle Fuller (Emma Stone) the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company is actually an alien from Andromeda star system, conspiracy nut Teddy Gatz (Jess Plemons) and his autistic cousin Don (Aidan Delbis) kidnap her and keep her a prisoner in the basement of Teddy's rural and isolated house. To prevent her contacting anyone, Teddy shaves Michelle's head and covers her in body cream. Teddy wants Michelle to take him aboard her spaceship where he might be allowed to negotiate with the Emperor. All he has to do is keep her alive and his gradually fracturing sanity intact for three days when a lunar eclipse will allow communication with Andromedian spaceship which he believes is parked in orbit. And all she has to do is convince him she's not an alien with designs on ending all human life on Earth. Let the battle of wits begin.

A film hailed by critics and ignored by the public. This is a very slow moving movie, filled with lengthy monologues and unsettling music as the balance of power between Stone and Plemonds ebbs and flows, as secrets are exposed and hidden agendas revealed, but who is telling the truth? Is it Teddy, a flat-earther looney obsessed by conspiracy theories who has brow-beaten this cousin into his fanatical plan, or is it Michelle, the pent up, work-obsessed ball of nerves who governs her company like an emperor and lives alone in her hi-tech glass and steel palace isolated from everybody.

It's brilliantly acted and directed, it gets under your skin and niggles at the edge of your psyche. This builds to a conclusion which will either alienate or resonate and for me it was well worth it. Not so my long-suffering wife who disliked this greatly, although we did spend a good hour afterwards talking about it and any film that engenders discourse is alright in my book. 

It's at times extremely savage, surprisingly gory and brutal, it's also a very slow burn and will try your patience if you don't buy into its vibe. Yorgos Lanthimos and Emma Stone keep making films that confound. surprise, frustrate and delight and this is no exception. 

8/10

#26: THE BRIDE!

STARRING: Jessie Buckley, Christian Bale, Peter Sarsgaard, Annette Bening, Jake Gyllenhaal and Penelope Cruz. Written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal. $90 million. Running time 126 minutes.

I think the tagline of the poster perfectly sums up the film, 'Here Comes The Motherfucking Bride!'

This is raw, rage-infused, manic, furious, relentless and perfectly encapsulates the notion of the original 'Punk' movement to a T, or 'P' if you'd prefer.

The plot set in America in the 1930s sees Ida (Jessie Buckley), a good time girl possessed by the spirit of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley during a drunken night out in a fancy restaurant. There she loudly spills the beans on the activities of a vicious crime boss, Lupino (Zlatko Buric) who promptly orders her execution, which her boyfriend Lupino's sidekick James (Matthew Maher) carries out by punching her down a staircase where she breaks her neck and dies. Meanwhile, 'The Monster' (Christian Bale) arrives in New York desperate for Dr. Cornelia Euphronious (Annette Bening) to help him create a bride to break his soul destroying loneliness. She reluctantly agrees and together they dig up the corpse of Ida, pump a mysterious gunk into her and then zap her with the electric output of the entire city. Ida awakens revived, still possessed by Mary but with no memory of her past life and together the two monsters runaway on a cross-country inadvertent murder spree pursued by Detective Jake Wiles (Peter Sarsgaard) and his assistant Myrna Malloy (Penelope Cruz). The two monsters fall in love and bond over Frank's love of the movies of Ronnie Reed (Jake Gyllenhaal), a Hollywood star and The Bride becomes a symbol of female rebellion, which in turns sparks a dance movement across the nation, as women, rise up to have their bloody revenge. The film builds to a bloody and violent ending which fits the material perfectly.

There is a lot to unpack here, it's not perfect, It shifts tonally and ricochets from black comedy to feminist treaty to thriller to crime drama back to black comedy in a blink of an eye. And through it all strides Jessie Buckley who roars and rules the screen, the way she channels the spirit of Shelley is breath-taking. But this isn't a one-woman show, Christian Bale as the monster aka Frank is equally intense and the two actors clearly seem to revel in their roles and chemistry. Similarly, Maggie Gyllenhaal as writer and director deserves special mention, her script, might be overwrought, overwritten and over-long, but it's also nevertheless insanely over the top and so packed with incident that it's like experiencing a drug-fuelled fever dream. She has created a unique take on the Frankenstein mythos and this film pays homage to many of the those past films including Young Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein and the HAMMER Frankenstein franchise, while at the same time creating something new, this is a version of the monster that is profoundly ugly in looks, and poetic and romantic beneath the scarred and mutilated flesh.

A violent, brutal, savage, chaotic, furious film that also touching, and fugly romantic. This won't be everyone's cup-of-tea but it is insanely and fantastically unique. 

8/10

P.S.
I think this would make a wonderful double bill movie with Wuthering Heights.

#25: HOPPERS

 

VOCALLY STARRING: Piper Curda, Bobby Moynihan, Jon Hamm, Kathy Najimy and Dave Franco. Screenplay by Jesse Andrews, story by Daniel Chong and Jesse Andrews. Directed by Daniel Chong. Budget $150 million. Running time 105 minutes.

For 10 years, from 1995 until 2015 I watched every new Pixar film without fail, a total of 15 films, three of which made me cry, one which stunned me to its core thanks to its creativity, and one that remains on my top ten favourite films of all times. Sadly that legendary run faltered and I started to miss new Pixar releases, they just didn't resonate with me anymore, and it seemed to me that when once the Pixar mantra had been 'Story is King', it changed to 'Message is King', as each new film went out of its way to teach or preach at its young audience and I just didn't need to be preached at so I missed, and still haven't seen The good Dinosaur, Cars 3, Onward, Soul, Luca, Turning Red and Elio. indeed, Inside Out 2 was the last Pixar film I've seen at the cinema prior to this one, it was fun, but not necessary and sticked so closely to the classic Syd Mead three act structure that was it was just a generic sequel. Pixar didn't used to do those, but you know, Disney and their true mantra is 'Cash is the true King.' but that was it for me. 

Now, the announcement of a new Pixar film leaves me cold, or did until Hoppers. I was hooked by the trailer and the premise, it looked fun, fresh and fun and I was in!

And then I saw it.

Oh. Dear. What a disappointment, what a glorious-looking, visually stunning, and brilliantly animated film, but how generic, how average, how one note. There's a message, of course, and even that is about as fresh as three week old milk. The story sees Mabel Tanaka (Piper Curda), an animal-loving Japanese-American college student's mind transferred into the body of a robotic beaver. The robotic beaver gives the wearer the ability to talk to animals, so she promptly steals it and goes off into the wild to convince the beaver population to return to her dead grandmother's idyllic wildlife pond at the bottom of her house. Turns out the greedy mayor Jerry Generazzo (Jon Hamm) wants to use the site to complete his elevated ring-road around the city of Beaverton. Mabel discovers that each animal family has a king, and convinces King George, the beaver monarch (Bobby Moynihan) to unite the animal kingdom in an attempt to assassinate Jerry, using a great white shark, convinced his death will save the glade. Which in turn triggers Mabel to rethink her lifestyle choices and try to save the day. 

There's lots more going on, which I can't be arsed to try and synopsise, there's an evil villain, a human robot, a ridiculous car chase, a deeply frustrated human scientist trying to get her hands back on her animal robot, and a lot of stupid story rules that are shoehorned into proceedings only to be promptly ignored when the story demands.

I had thought, based on the trailer, that the robotic animal piloted by a human mind would be enough for a story, but sadly Pixar think that kids needs a wacky, outrageously stupid story to hang off the premise, so we get the whole environmental back story, the building of a ring road and all the rest.

It starts very well, the animation is a delight, there's a clever use of anime style to proceedings, and the Pixar look also works well here too, it looks great, the character design is fiesty and fun. Trouble is nowadays Pixar aren't the only show in town and with the likes of Blue Sky, Illumination Entertainment, Dreamworks, Sony Animation and a slew of others producing great looking and stylistic product, looking great just isn't enough anymore. This is the time when Story should be King.

Everything here is just so generic, the story so obvious, the plot beats seen a thousand times before. The conceit behind the story is so farcial, the human scientists watching Mabel in her Beaver robot interacting with animals, able to hear them talk and then witnessing the gathering of the animal kingdom royalty is ridiculous. Likewise the animals airlifting in a 3000lb Great White Shark to use as a smart bomb sounds hilarious but utterly shattered the created rules of this world. If you're going to create a science fiction story you have to have rules that work and you can't break them for the purposes of the plot. This doesn't so much jump the shark as drop it from a great height in an attempt to kill an innocent human. When the third act robot-walks into sight, and the true villian of the film is finally revealed the plot goes into overdrive and not only robs the film of all its borderline reality but ruins it completely with the introduction of a human robot suit that animals can use. 

There's a rule in comic publishing that you don't tell the reader on the cover that the comic is 'fun', 'funny', 'wacky' or 'crazy', a thing is either those things or it isn't and a reader will see through it and deem the object none of the above. The film wants everyone to think it's also all the above, but it's not. The idea behind is crazy, wacky, fun and a fantastic idea, but the film is anything but. The kids who sat watching this did so in stony silence and unmoved until the final act action bonanza specifically put there for the ankle biters to get excited. 

Also, call me old, but what the fuck happened to those glorious Pixar shorts that used to be screened before the film? 

Anyway, I've had enough, I've still got The Bride! to review, and a dog to walk, and it's only 8:00am.

This get a 6/10

#23: HOW TO MAKE A KILLING

 

STARRING: Glenn (The Next Big Thing) Powell, Margaret Qualley, Jessica Henwick, Bill Camp,  Zach Woods, Topher Grace and Ed Harris. Screenplay and directed by John Patton Ford. Based on Israel Rank: The Autobiography of a Criminal by Roy Horniman. Budget $15 million. Running time 105 minutes.

Apparently this is 'loosely based on Robert Hamer's classic 1949 Ealing Comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets, which was heralded as 'loosely based' on the above mentioned Roy Horniman novel. This marks the second British comedy remake of the year, with last month's immensely enjoyable Send Help being a loose remake of The Admirable Crighton.

HTMAK sees orphan Becket Redfellow (Glenn Powell) sitting in his prison cell explaining to a priest on the eve of his execution how he murdered members of his immediate family so he could inherit a family fortune of $29 billion. This, he explains he did after being inspired to do so by his school sweetheart, Julia Steinway (Margaret Qualley) who walks back into his life as a staggering beautiful heiress and discovers him folding clothes in a upmarket men's fashion boutique. Becket loves the idea and with no hassle or difficulty at all proceeds to murder his way up the food chain so to speak, exhibiting extremely impressive chemistry and weapons knowledge to achieve his goals. At one point his uncle, Warren Redfellow (Bill Camp) kindly takes him under his wing, gives him a job, the one his son had before Becket killed him and sort of adopts him. Because this is Hollywood, Warren conveniently dies of a massive heart attack so Becket doesn't have to kill him and the audience won't dislike him as a character. Anyway, he slaughters his through his cousins until that fateful final showdown with his grandfather, Ed Harris.  

Finally once he's achieved his life ambition he's captured for a murder he didn't commit, that of Julia's husband, and gets sentenced to death. 

Over all this is a rather dull and un-engaging comedy action romp. Exhibiting no real bite, the murders are all utterly vanilla, bloodless and achieved with an ease that stretches credulity to breaking point and leaves the film completely toothless. It's all so goddam tame and dreary. The sublime 1949 original, set in Edwardian Britain, with Denis Price in the Becket role and Alec Guinness as all eight members of the D'Ascoyne family, as the Redfellows where known was a charming, witty black comedy that still delights to this day. In adapting and revamping the original film, all that John Patton Ford seems to have done is just shift the time and location to New York in the 2020s. So, thank god for Margaret Qualley at least in principle, who is a truly extraordinarily exciting actress, although she sadly overwhelms the rather bland Glenn Powell. She, or at least her character who exudes seduction and sinister intent, is the sole saving grace of the whole film. Although her character is not properly established and beyond a single caste kiss when they are both children seems to have no real connection with Becket. Hollywood seem determined to launch Glenn Powell as The Next Big Thing and keep chucking him at projects and they keep misfiring, if he doesn't find something he clicks in soon, he's going be become known as The Last Hasbeen. in this he is okay, but he's simply outclassed by both Qualley and Ed Harris who both give this film some glimmer of quality.

The direction is okay, the sound mix, for once is good, but the film looks cheap, and fails to convince this is a world of billionaires.  

Not all together totally horrendous, but I'd still dump it for just one more chance to watch the original up on the big screen. 

6/10

#22: EPiC: ELVIS PRESLEY IN CONCERT

 

STARRING: ELVIS PRESLEY. Directed by Baz Luhrmann. Budget $11 million. Running time 97 minutes.

The story behind the making of this film is worthy of a film in its own right. While making his 2022 bio pic of the King, Elvis Baz Luhrmann went looking for unseen footage from the two legendary Elvis concert films – Elvis: That's the Way It Is and Elvis on Tour when he stumbled across 68 boxes of unseen footage in the Warner Bros film archives, situated in a Kansas salt mine. The film, both 35mm and 8mm featured not only Elvis's legendary 'Gold Jacket' performance from his 1957 Hawaii show, but also outtakes and previously unseen material, although sadly it all came with absolutely no sound. He also uncovered a previously unheard 45 minute audio recording of Elvis talking about his life and an unseen clip of Presley singing 'Oh Happy Day'. Baz then spent the next two years getting the footage restored and synced to existing audio sources. So far, so Wikipidia.

Although what Baz did next was to craft all that incredible footage into this utterly unique and extraordinary hybrid movie that's simultaneously a classic Elvis Las Vegas concert film stitched together from various shows and also a genuinely unique glimpse behind the scenes as we watch Elvis and his band rehearse and practice, then added to that, listening to the man himself talk about about his life and answer questions from various press interviews. There's also an after party sequence, with Elvis in his black leather outfit as he talks to a obviously delighted Cary Grant and Sammy Davis Jnr.

It all works to create a truly wondrous experience that's actually breathtaking. There's something about watching Elvis that is truly memorising, he is the consummate performer, and his obvious knowledge of music and its structure is mesmerizing to behold, watching him with his band, sweating, practising, shaping the performance to come is a true delight, much in the same way the superlative Beatles: Let it Be was, it's always a genuine privilege to watch true musicians, or artist, to craft their art, to seem to peek behind the curtain and watch the magic being stirred. There's a scene, from the Vegas shows, a reverse shot from the stage back at the audience that is simply staggering, a sea of fans, all moving as one, all cheering, waving, and you can feel the sheer delight and excitement of each and every one of them. All those marvellous 1960s and 70s fashions, sunglasses, haircuts and screaming, it's breathtaking. Good I loved this! The vibrant colours, the cinematography, the film throbs and surges with life and energy and the running time, flew by. This was a film to enjoy on the big screen, Elvis's head, hair and sideburns huge for all to see, and then when he's performing, Oh. My. God. There's a reason he was called The King. That man was pure power transcendent. 

This was a fantastic, film that left me with goosebumps, dazed by his voice, his physicality, his sheer musical prowess and his magnificent high collared white suits. 

Go and see this at the cinema and watch the best concert you've ever seen. 

10/10

#21: THE GODFATHER

STARRING: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, James Caan, Richard Castellano, Robert Duvall, Sterling Hayden, John Marley, Richard Conte and Diane Keaton. Screenplay by Mario Puzo. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Music by Nino Rota. Budget $7 million. Running time 175 minutes. Originally released in 1972.

The rise and rise of the Don Corn Holio crime family. A staggeringly sumptuous, brilliantly made, intensely gripping and powerful movie, indeed one of the greatest movies ever made. Directed to perfection by Coppola, from a layered and nuanced script by Puzo, and with a cast of some of the finest actors ever to grace the silver screen. This is a note perfect, beautiful film that never fails to thrill me to my actual core. 

I've lost count of the number of times I've watched this, although never on the big screen so what a treat to see it writ large the way Coppola intended. It's so packed with drama and incident, but never at the cost of the story, events unfold perfectly and it's tightly plotted structure is a marvel to behold. Watching the character of Michael (Al Pacino) change over the course of the story from war hero to Godfather of his father's crime syndicate is to witness the power of subtle corruption, how the events slowly change him and transforms him from near-innocent into the dead-behind-eyes crime family boss who calmly orders the murder of five men to secure his family's future on the day of his nephew's christening is chilling. Pacino sets the film alight with his presence. Watching this on a large screen gives you a chance to really explore the actors as they work, watching Brando is a treat that richly rewards. Like I said, everyone in this film is astounding.   

I was struck by some of Coppola's blocking, the way he moves the camera in scenes, as well as the editing prowess of William Reynolds and Peter Zinner, and the gorgeous cinematography of Gordon Willis. Indeed every aspect of this film was just a joy to behold. Starting with the wedding scene is a brilliant decision, and for the first 20 odd minutes we are slowly immersed into the working of the family, before we're exposed to evil that infects it.

This went on to make over $291million dollars on its initial release off a budget of just $7 million, and would win seven Golden Globes and was nominated for 11 Academy Awards winning just two for Best Actor (Marlon Brando) and Best Picture. It also spawned two sequels, Godfather II, and Godfather III.  

If you've only ever seen this on Blu Ray, or DVD, or VHS or just at home do yourself a favour and watch it on the big screen if you get a chance, you won't be disappointed. 

A triumph. 10/10

#20 & 24: GOOD LUCK, HAVE FUN, DON'T DIE

STARRING: Sam Rockwell, Haley Lu Richardson, Michael Pena, Zazie Beetz, Asim Chaudhry and Juno Temple. Screenplay by Matthew Robinson. Directed by Gore Verbinski. Music by Geoff Zanelli. Budget $20 million. Running time 134 minutes.

What's about, David? Well it's about 2 hrs and 14 minutes. But if it's story you're interested in then have you heard the one about a time traveller from a future post apocalyptic world who travels back to our present to recruit someone to help take down a soon to be activated super intelligent AI computer?

But that's the only similarity it has to Terminator, this is an altogether different kettle of fish. For a start it's far funnier. However, if you're someone who likes films to be described using pre-existing movies, then think of this as Terminator meets Miracle Mile via 12 Monkeys, Groundhog Day and The Matrix.

This is a bat-shit crazy, manic, breath-taking relentless mad-dash comedy action adventure that grips the moment Sam Rockwell's character known only as 'Man From the Future' stomps into a late-night diner called Norms and tells everyone he's there to save the world. He proceeds to pressgang six of the patrons into helping him and together they set off across town to the kill a nine-year old boy – the genius mastermind behind a super AI program that's going to enslave the world. Each of the six reluctant helpers are told they're expendable, although each is given a flash back which helps to flesh out this maddening world and give the film some much needed context, indeed enough for the keen eyed amongst you to just about work out what the heck is going on. I don't think you'll be disappointed, I certainly wasn't. This is at turns thrilling, gripping and bloody enjoyable. I loved the energy and the pace of this film, because those 2 hours and 14 minutes flew by. These sorts of films only work if the ending is nailed and this nails like perfectly. I don't want to go into specifics or story beats because this is a film best seen knowing as little as possible about the story. Just know it unravels perfectly and never feels leaden, plus it's lacking those annoying plot holes that often undermine these sorts of films.  

Gore Verbinski directs with kinetic energy galore, but never at expense of visual or story, his framing and pacing match the material perfectly. This has a lovely grungy feel about it, the most obvious reference being 12 Monkeys. But it's the relentless forward momentum that keeps this film firing on all cylinders. 

The cast, especially Rockwell is excellent, this is the sort of role he excels in. But then the rest of the cast do a damn fine job too. Similarly, the soundtrack by Geoff Zanelli fits in perfectly with the visuals and provides excellent audio beats. Finally, Gore Verbinski directs the whole thing with great skill and a keen eye for the visual and fills the screen with detail and action. 

Overall, this was a funny, moving and satisfying science-fiction comedy action film that manages to deliver a solid punch ending while avoiding a flabby middle (lucky bastard) and I'm looking forward to seeing again, and again!

10/10

TAKE TWO

Before I embark on this weekend's new releases I felt the urge to rewatch this before it leaves our silver screens for good, destined for the its second life on the smaller screen. But, this time, with wife and son in tow. How would it fare, what would THEY think, is it time to get a new family, or is this old one still okay? Only time would tell, well 2 hours and 14 minutes anyway... 

That was just as entertaining as the first time, in fact I think I enjoyed it even more second time round as I waited for remembered scenes to come along. I was more aware of the dialogue this time round too, the script is witty and fresh, giving each of the main band of characters their moment to shine. The film keeps changing from one thing to the next as the story unravels and the build up to the payoff is terrific. Stylistically it owes a great debt to the action films of the 80s, not only in the visual style but also the musical clues, twangy synch cords to highten tenstion. There's so much here to enjoy that the film genuinely deserves a second look. Gore Verbinski really deserves huge credit for steering the huge, Hydra-like, film with its multiple story strands and slew of characters. This really is a deeply satisfying and exciting film and you really should give it a go. It truly is one of the most original films you're likely to see. Sadly, it bombed at the boxoffice, probably because the marketing dept didn't know how to sell it. It's a true one-off and the sort of thing that Hollywood weren't supposed to be making anymore. That said, considering it did bomb, the chances of more like this getting greenlit diminishes each time one fails. Here's hoping Project Hail Mary has more success at the movies. 

Well worth two and a quarter hours of your life. And as to my wife and second born, they both loved it, and it generated an entertaning conversation on the way home. They both scored it a solid 8/10, although I'm sticking with my original. 

10/10

#19: COLD STORAGE

 

STARRING: Georgina Campbell, Joe Keery, Sosie Bacon, Vanessa Redgrave, Lesley Manville and Liam Neeson. Screenplay by David Koepp. Directed by Jonny Campbell. Running time 99 minutes.

Staying just long enough to do its job this was a fun, if uninspiring little sci-fi romp with a game cast, gory effects and a nice chemistry, but sadly missing the oomph factor to make it something really special.

The plot sees a mutated fungus return to Earth on a piece of the old Sky Lab and start killing all it infects. Luckily Neeson and Manville are on hand to contain it and lock it away in military storage facility. However, 18 years later the facility has been sold off and is now a self storage depot and the once hi-tech deep freeze containment facility holding the fungus has started malfunctioning causing storage depot night-watch man, Travis 'Teacake' Meacham (Joe Keery) and new girl, Naomi Williams (Georgina Campbell) to go off and explore the ominous bleeping deep below in sub basement 4. Meanwhile, an old lady, Ma Rooney (Venessa Redgrave) has come to inspect her storage locker. When Travis and Naomi discover that something has breached the containment field they phone the military and both Robert Quinn (Liam Neeson) and Trini Romano (Lesley Manville) are dispatched to contain the breech and kill any infected humans. Added to the mix is Travis and Naomi's boss, Griffen (Gavin Spookes), a Hells Angel biker who brings his gang to transport some stolen TVs out of the storage facility, oh, and Naomi's ex-boyfriend Mike (Aaron Heffernan). And the stage is set for some gory deaths and silliness. 

How wonderful to see so many great British and Irish actors in one film, Neeson, Manville and Vanessa Redgrave, and what a shame they're not given more to do. The film takes its time to get up to speed with a pre-credit sequence showing the capture of the fungus by Neeson and Manville, which is rather reminicent of the vastly superior, but far less funny 1971 film, The Andromeda Strain. The present day cast in the guise of Keery and Campbell have good chemistry and there's a nice edge of humour. And the idea of a military storage facility breaking down was used far more effectively in the superb The Return of the Living Dead.

This isn't a bad film, it was entertaining, funny and gross out gory at times but that's about it, it's a tad too laid back for its own good and lacks a really satisfying big boss battle. That said, at 99 minutes it's brisk and altogether fluffy and not at all terrible.

7/10

#18: WUTHERING HEIGHTS

 

STARRING: Margot Robbie, Jacob Elordi, Hong Chau, Shazad Latif, Martin Clunes, Alison Oliver and Ewan Mitchell. Written and directed by Emerald Fennell. Budget $86 million. Running time an endurance testing 136 minutes long.

Simultaneously this managed to be both a 2/10 and a 9/10, go figure? It was a film that was both infuriatingly ridiculous and powerfully moving, emotional and hysterical at the same time! It was like the maddest gothic comedy you've ever seen and then the most overwrought melodramatic romantic drama imaginable. It was a true assualt on the senses and it leaves you drained, shaken and entertained. The cast, every last one of them, gives nothing but 110%, with particularly fantastic performances from both Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi, although I'm going to say this right now, Margot Robbie as Catherine is way too old for the role. Their accents are perfect, their passion for each other so real you can smell it and their rawness aches with power. 

But by god this is a strange film. To say it was batshit crazy is an understatment. It plays like a fucking fever dream, it is truly insane, its sheer lust positively oozes from the screen, this is a film obsessed by passion, lust and love and all things moist and squiggy. Everything about this film is in excess, the look of it, the acting, the fashions, the cinematography, and the staggering visual style of it, which feels it's like the bastard love child of Tim Burton and Guillermo del Toro by the way of David Lynch, this is gothic ratcheted up to a million. Everything about this is so far removed from the usual adaptations of Bronte as to make it altogether unique and utterly unrepeatable. Following Saltburn with this, Emerald Fennell  delivers a version of the obsessed young lovers that will either leave you ripping the seats out in rage, or weeping tears of joy at its sheer intensity. Special mention has to be given to Martin Clunes who is a fucking revelation in his role as Cathy's monstrous and abusive, alcoholic father, Mr. Earnshaw, who gifts Heathcliff to his daughter as a 'pet'.

Then there's two other actors of sublime ability who deserve special mention too! The first, Alsion Oliver,who plays Mr. Linton's sister, Isabella Linton, who deserves her own film, she's so sexually repressed she's utterly unhinged. At one point in the movie she innocently gifts to Cathy, as a Christmas present, the world's most erotic pop-up book, filled with page after page of engorged phallic-like mushrooms and flowers that open like velvety vaginas, she's almost insane with obvious lusty obsessions. And her reward is to be bedded by Heathcliff himself and debased in the most outrageous way imaginable, but only after he's warned her he's going to ruin her both physically and mentally in a mad attempt to win Cathy back. He explains how he'll use her and demean her and she positively leaps at the chance! And then there's Hong Chau as Nelly Dean, Cathy's paid companion who becomes the architect of all that is going to happen in the film, she is responsible for all the misery, death and emotional destruction that is to follow and Hong Chau plays it to perfection.  

Watching this reminded me of a recurring bad dream I used to have a few years back, which felt so real it would always leave me feeling unnerved and deeply uncomfortable when I awoke, not unlike this film. I don't know why, but this film had the same feeling, of some great unseen pressure this feels like a dream, like the sort you get after you've recovered from a general anaesthetic, not quite a nightmare, but most certainly not a 'good dream', this claws and scratches at your psyche, and pokes at you, it whispers then shouts, it's unsettling and uncomfortable and I still don't know if I loved it or hated it, but one thing I do know is I've never seen anything like it before and I was gripped to the bloody, bitter, diabolical end. 

And by god, the visual style of this film was so rich, so intense so vital, Catherine's room, her husband Mr. Linton (played by Toast of London's Clem Fandango - Shazad Latif, the only nice character in this whole film) tells her is painted the same pink as her face and on closer inspection reveals it even has light blue veins beneath the surface, like her face, and features the same moles that grace her face. There are monsterous things that dwell in this house which all coagulate into creating something almost David Cronneberg-esque. Likewise Cathy'e many costumes that seem to grip her and restrict her positively pulsate with sexuality. This is a film raw in tooth and claw.

I assumed I would hate this but I was wrong. It's a film you'll want to see with friends so you can talk about it. It's a film that will linger long after you've seen it and it's a film with a true uniqueness and raw spirit I've not seen in a very long time. And it's a film you'll either love or hate, there is no middle ground and for that reason alone I urge you to see it. 

8/10

POST SCRIPT!
It's the day after I saw this and I'm still getting flashback, like a PTSD suffering Nam Special Forces Green Beret after a particularly grizzly Vietcong village massacre. 

#17: CRIME 101

 

STARRING: Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Barry Keoghan, Halle Berry, Nick Nolte, Monica Barbaro, Corey Hawkins and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Written and directed by Bart Layton. Based on the book, Crime 101 by Don Winslow. Music by Blanck Mass. Budget $90 million. Running time 140 minutes.

Feeling like a 1970s crime film, this gripping, tense crime thriller is a real shot in the arm, with a cast all clearly revelling in their roles  and working well with the director to deliver a superb crime movie that's both satisfying and powerful although it does slightly fumble the landing. 

Written and directed by British BAFTA winning documentarian Bart Layton, who directed both The Imposter and Transylvania University Book Heist, gives Crime 101 a documentary feel and comes a cross like a mashup of The Getaway, Heat and The Driver, and that's not a bad thing!. 

The plot set in Los Angeles, and more importantly along U.S. Route 101 sees profession thief, Mike Davis (Chris Hemsworth) plotting his next major car hijacking with skill, precision and a lack of violence and DNA evidence, he's building a reputation for this and Detective, Lou Lubesnick (Mark Ruffalo) is hot on his trail. The film follows these two as well as 53 year-old insurance broker, Sharon Combs (Halle Berry), who's struggling at work and Ormon (Barry Keoghan), a young new turk on the scene of car hijackings, who just so happens to be rather psychotic. When Mike gets cold feet on a job he's been planning, his fence, Money (Nick Nolte) gives the job to Ormon and orders him to follow Mike and rob him once he's done his next big job. Meanwhile Mike, when he's not trying to date Maya (Monica Barbaro), a young woman he met following a minor car accident, is starting to question his own life choices, especially when he's very nearly killed in a heist, and Sharon is learning about the glass ceiling at her job, which also sees her question some of her life choices. The power dynamic between the four leads ebbs and flows as their fortunes rise and fall leading to a powerful collision in the final act that's pretty bloody exciting. 

It's great to see Chris Hemsworth acting again and not just being the laughing muscle he was in Thor, likewise watching Ruffalo and Hemsworth acting together is a real treat too. Both characters are excellent in their respective jobs but bad at the romance side of their lives, with Lou leaving his wife, and Hemsworth finding the isolation of his solitary life a major drawback when trying to date someone he actually likes. 

Despite being a long film, this certainly didn't drag, the action, although not plentiful is nevertheless vigorous and intense, and the friction between both Ormon and Mike provides real grist for the mill. Likewise Halle Berry performance gives the film a whole other level and helps to build a solid, bloody well-made crime thriller, which uses the 1970s crime thriller vibe to create an altogether different kind of 21st Century crime noir. The film builds to a showdown, which isn't hard to guess, but the ending stretches credulity a tad and somewhat mars the ending.

Well worth it! You'll come for the muscle and muscle cars and stay for the dynamic.

8/10

#16: A KNIGHT'S TALE

 

STARRING: Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Rufus Sewell, Paul Bettany, Alan Tudyk, Laura Fraser, Shannyn Sossamon, Berenice Bejo and James Purefoy. Written and directed by Brian Helgeland. Budget $65 million. Running time 132 minutes. Originally released in 2001.

Has it really been 25 years since this was first released? I suppose it must be, I mean 2026 minus 25 is 2001, so yes it really has been a quarter of a century since this first graced our silver screens. But has time been good to it, or does it now look decidedly silly and dated? On first release it only managed a paltry 59% on Rotten Tomatoes, but it did take in a worldwide box office of $117.5 million, so you know, mix bag, mix bag, some sort of chicken-like dinner. 

An amusing side note, the film gained notoriety back in 2001, when it was revealed that the film posters featuring glowing reviews from critic David Manning of The Ridgefield Press. Trouble was, he didn't exist he was created by a member of the Columbia advertising department.  

And so, what of the film itself? Well, first off, I've never seen this at the cinema, before, back then it didn't appeal to me, I've only ever seen bits of it, mostly the ending on TV, so when it turned up on my local Cineworld schedule, I thought I'd give it a go. As far as I remembered it's mostly remembered for it's fantastically anachronistic soundtrack and obviously Heath Ledger, who'd go on to die seven years later, just after finishing The Dark Knight, thus sealing his reputation for all time as a proto-type Chris Hemsworth.

The plot, set in 14th Century medieval Europe sees peasant, Willian Thatcher (Heath Ledger) steal the identity, and armour, of a dead Knight so he can take part in jousting tournaments, while committing fraud and dating scams across Europe, while PTSD suffering, Count Adhemar of Anjou, (Rufus Sewell) does his best to bring him to justice. 

It's a savvy idea to mix contemporary music, attitudes, fashions and blacksmithing techinques into a period of history best know for the Black Death, misery, and unbelievable poverty. Brian Helgeland, who not only wrote and directed this, but also produced single handedly carries the can. Sure he delivers some meaty, solid and jarring jousting matches, lots of them, I mean if you like watching men in armour shoving other men in armour off their armoured horses with exploding lances then this is most certainly your film! Sadly for me, after a while they all blurred into one, plus it's hard to work out who's who beneath all that fake modern armour. The plot is fun, it's got baddies, heroes, romance, and action but it never really ignites, it fizzles but never bursts.

William changes from scene to scene, at one point a poignant and poetic romantic, the next as petulant bore, he's intelligent and then stupid, agile and clumsy whenever the plot needs him to be. It's not a terrible film, it was entertaining but ultimately nothing more than that. 

And the one good thing in it's favour is that it's the answer to a great Pub Quiz film question. 

"WHAT FILM FEATURED THE VISION, THE JOKER AND SOLOMON KANE?"

7/10

#15: SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

 

STARRING: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Scott Glenn and Ted Levine. Screenplay by Ted Tally based on the book by Thomas Harris. Directed by Jonathan Demme. Budget $19 million. Running time 118 minutes. Originally released in 1991. 

Trainee FBI agent Clarice Sterling (Jodie Foster) is called in by the Head of Behavioural Science, Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn) to help him investigate a series of serial killings carried out by a killer called Buffalo Bill (Ted Levine). Crawford sends her off to interview the legendary, personal friend of Donald J. Trump, Hannibal Lecter (Sir Anthony Hopkins) a.k.a Hannibal the Cannibal. And so begins the utterly gripping, atmospheric and Oscar winning Silence of the Lambs, a film much copied but seldom bettered, and the film that successfully launched Hollywood's super-intelligent serial killer genre. 

The film was a huge success both financially, critically and also went on to win five Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay, making it only the third film in movie history to achieve this incredible feat.

Described as a psychological horror thriller film, Silence of the Lambs is a truly impressive film, serious, sombre and utterly engrossing, but also bloody entertaining, gripping and scary! Jonathan Demme directs his cast face first, with the actors looking and talking directly into the camera, which gives the film a surprisingly intimate and personal connection that works brilliantly, it makes you feel as if you and Starling are interviewing Hannibal in the basement of hospital together. The film is unfussy and brilliantly directed and feels like a fly-on-the-wall documentary. The cast is outstandingly good too, not just Jodie Foster, who's simply superb, but everyone, even the bit parts, like legendary director Roger Corman. The music by Howard Shore gives the film an uneasy edge that just enhances the tension brilliantly. 

There's also something that is much more significant today than it was when first made, and that's the way Starling is treated, throughout the whole film, she is constantly battling outdated male attitudes towards her, and is often the only woman in the scene, apart from her Quantico fellow student, she's battling the system and it gives the film yet another level, or edge. 

Not seen this at the cinema since it was released and it was an utter joy to see it again on the big screen. 

There are people who over the years take a pompus attitude towards the film and say, about Anthony Hopkins, that Brian Cox was a better Hannibal, well I'm here to tell them they are utterly wrong, Anthony Hopkins is a brilliant actor and creates in his version of Hannibal one of the greatest screen monsters ever!

Anyway, enough waffle. This was brilliant, if you haven't seen it, drop everything and go and see it while it's on at the cinema, cos it's the best way to see films.

10/10 

 

#14: SEND HELP

 

STARRING: Rachel McAdams, Dylan O'Brien. Written by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift. Directed by Sam Raimi. Budget $40 million. Running time 115 minutes.

In a nutshell the plot of this couldn't be simpler, socially awkward, but fantastic at her job as a strategist for some sort of financial company, Linda Liddle (Rachel McAdams) and her horrible, entitled, arrogant and deeply bullying new boss, Bradley Preston (Dylan O'Brien) find themselves shipwrecked on a beautiful desert island in the Gulf of Thailand after a plane-crash. What follows is a 21st Century remake of The Admirable Crichton but far more psychological, gory, and fantastically intense. Oh, and funny, cos this is the darkest comedy I've seen in a long time.  

The plot of Send Help most certainly isn't new, the idea of social status reversing due to location and situation, but in the hands of Sam Raimi it's never been this intense, gory, or as entertaining. McAdams seems to revel in her role as Liddle, who comes to life on the island using her survival skills (she's a keen 'outdoors person', and dreams of being a contestant on Survivors), from nerdy, clumsy, and and awkward, to a confident, powerful and more than capable, Linda thrives on the island and quickly becomes the person she was always meant to be. While, on the other hand, O'Brien's Bradly is a fish-out-of-water, hating every grain of sand of the beautiful island and longing to get back to his pampered corporate life, his trophy fiancee and his beloved golf courses. He hates Linda and as their dynamic changes that hatred grows stronger. However, due to an horrible injury he suffered due to the plane crash, his very survival depends on Linda. 

The power dynamic see-saws as their survival fortunes ebb and flow, tensions rise leading to an exhilarating final act. With plot twists galore, a clever, witty script and some seriously game performances, this was an absolute hoot and had me wincing, yelping, and roaring with laughter, along with the audience. Indeed it's been a while since I heard an audience so invested in a film. There are many scenes you'll watch through your fingers and Sam Raimi expertly nails the landing, despite a nervous tonal shift in the final act that threatens to sink the whole affair. Luckily, Raimi knows what he's doing and steers the ship away from the rocks. It's been four years since we had a Raimi film and it's great to see him back doing something small and horror based again, rather than a big budget Hollywood blockbuster.  

A wonderfully gory, exciting and funny little romp and I was thoroughly entertained!

9/10

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#13: MELANIA

STARRING: Melania Trump. Directed by Brett Ratner. Budget $47 million. Running time 104 miserable minutes. 

The plot to this fly-on-the-wall mock-umentary follows Melania Trump (the world, and history's most success trophy wife) over 20 days back in 2025 leading up to the inauguration of her husband, the orange-faced, pedo-protector, convicted felon, insurrection-instigator, sexual predator, failed business man, and worst President e-ver, Donald J. Trump. The camera slavishly follows her, ogling her killer heels shoes, lusting after her perfectly coloured & coiffured hair, simpering over her permanently smoky made-up eyes, and positively drooling over her pouty pinched mouth. From the genuinely hideous Trump Tower in NYC, where every square inch is either gold, marble or mirror and gaudy beyond belief, although the view's nice. Then on to Mar-a-Largo, not as much gold but just as tacky. We get to watch Melania as she meets a series of grovelling lackies and 'designs' her outfits, picks carpets, wall fabrics, and furniture for her White House take-over, then styles every aspect of the coming inauguration ball, from the gold-leaf toilet paper to the army of arse lickers eager to clean the orange fool's huge fat arse. Throughout the whole film, Melania glides around on castors dispensing vizdom on a vide range of subjects, from orphans, to Hamas hostages, to der children. She teaches world-class experts in their fields how to be better and she fawns over her freakishly tall son, Baron, who according to this film is the only child that Donnie seems to have, as so little mention of the other spawn of his loins is made. 

All we get, endlessly, is her telling us vat a vonderful humanitarian she is, how much she loves her dead mother, and fantastic her son Baron is, how vunderful is family and her husband is too, and just how lucky she is to be so very talented at everything. We get to spend much time with her, as she changes outfits every scene and sunglasses, we get to see her interacting vid der little people who run her life so perfectly, ve get to zee her mourning her dead mother at a private little pilgrimage to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York, which has been specially cleared of people so she can sashay up the isle and light a candle. Ve are told how much she loves everybody and ve get to see the staff of the White House and Mar-Largo and I found myself wondering what they must look like after ICE.

This film is an afront to all that is decent, the music made up of a veritable list of well-known pop stars and pop music include 'Who Wants to Rule the World', by Tear for Fears and that other well-known peado, Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. We get to see the sheer opulence of the Trump world, everything tacky and gold and  everything disgustingly gauche. Because this is right back in the beginning of his second presidency, everyone we see seems to have a semi-lob-on for that stinking sac of orange shit. They love him, although this is before the abhorrent ICE raids that saw the deaths of two people, the splitting up of family through deportations, the naked avarice, the open greed of the Trump presidency and the absolute contempt for foreign countries, international law and just good old fashioned common decency. 

This film is a fantastic reminder of just what a hateful, petty, spiteful, and shit the fake orange-faced, small-handed president really is. He gloating over Biden then pathetically patting him on the back in a shallow show of support. Trump waddles through this all, vindictive and eager for retribution, he can't wait to start sowing seeds of destruction, but we don't get to see any of that, the film mercifully ends with one last peek of her high heels before a sickening final series of captions tell us what a fucking saint she is and how much she's achieved, and how wonderful her freakishly tall son is. 

And through it all Epstein acolyte and accused sexual predator, Brett Rayner, directs with all the subtly of a porn film, as he oggles every inch of his 'star', listen carefully and you can hear his drool-filled mouth muttering fawning appreciations of his Slavic heroine. 

This film tries hard to position the Dump Dynasty as some sort of royalty fawned over by other world leaders and sycophantic worshippers, but scratch the surface and all you get is shit. One of the things you realise watching this, is that at no point does Melania ever actually interact with ordinary human beings, she lives completely isolated inside her sickeningly gilded cage, whisked from Dump Towers by limo to a private Dump jet to another limo and then to Mar-a-Lago, or driven in a motorcade to some city location before being driven home. She doesn't do anything remotely normal, by Christ she can't even dress herself without help and I doubt she even knows how to boil a kettle, let alone where the kitchen is. This whole film is the purest form of an empty experience, for she has nothing to offer beyond the glamour and opulence. How anyone thought that a country as ridden with bread-line existence as America would react well to something so filled with hubris and greed and that cost $75 million dollars to make is beyond me. The fact Bezos spent so much trying to humanise these parasites is despicable. 

Also, I can imagine that a lot of Dumpy's MAGA supporters are going to be truly upset when they realise his wife is just another immigrant stealing jobs from Americans, although in this case it's a job no American clearly wanted. 

This was a hideous, miserable, fawning spectacle that gives us nothing new but shows the world just how naked and hateful the avarice filled world that Melania and Dump inhabit truly is. 

1/10

   

#12: SHELTER

 

STARRING: JASON STATHAM, Bodhi Rae Breathnach, Bill Nighy, Naomi Ackie and Daniel Mays. Written by Ward Parry. Directed by Ric Roman Waugh. Running time 107 minutes.

It's time for The Stath's new action movie! Nothing new there you might think, he's been releasing new action films every year for almost 25 years. However what is new is the formula! Last year the Stath played Levon Cade an ex-Marine, and one-man killing machine, who was working as construction site labourer, in 2023 he was Adam Clay a bee-keeper who just so happened to be an ex-government one-man killing machine, and in 2021 he was a one-man killing machine, who worked as a security guard. This year, he's a lighthouse keeper who used to be the world's greatest one-man killing machine. See, real change! He's working in light house!

Actually, this one is different from the rest, perhaps because The Stath is getting older, but it feels more grounded, more weary. His portrayal of its hero, Mason as a man carrying the woes of the world on his shoulders, he's weary, he's insanely stoic but he's living his life in a state of permanent fear. He feels vulnerable. 

The story sees Mason forced to end his self-imposed exile as a lighthouse keeper when Jessie (Bodhi Rae Breathnach), an orphaned teenage girl who delivers his groceries, gets ship-wrecked on his outer Hebridean Island following a storm and suffers a nasty ankle injury that gets infected. This forces Mason to go to the mainland in search of medicine and accidentally getting his retina scanned by a CCTV, which  in doing so triggers a variety of government kill squads and assassins who are all determined to kill him for something he's done in the past. What that something is has something to do with Manafort (Bill Nighy) who used to run M.I.6. but who now operates a covert government-sanctioned kill squad utilising the world's CCTV capabilities. Then it's bloodbath time as Mason and Jessie are forced to go on the run while Mason finds a way to save his young charge.

Filmed in and around the UK gives this an all-together different feel and helps to ground the film, making it feel far more real than last year's rather turgid Working Man, similarly Mason isn't your usual Statham hero, he's jaded and more real than the others, more grounded. Although he still has that fantastic ability to shrug off gunshot wounds and stabbings and takes a beating that would kill lesser men.

Look, no beating round the bush (not a pun), this is another by-the-numbers, Ronsil-style action movie, it references John Wick at times but it's not a gun orgy, the fights are short and brutal. Sure, The Stath does his usual hard-hitting kicks and punches but it looks plausible. The fight scenes are frantic and very kenetic. It's more than competently directed by Ric Roman Waugh, a former stunt man and director of Angel Has Fallen who knows his way round a fight scene and that certainly helps in spades! And through it all Mason becomes human again and that gives this film something that The Stath's films don't usually have, heart. 

It's a film that doesn't out stay its welcome, it's a compact, action romp that actually rather entertaining and more grounded than most, and it has an emotional core that really rather sweet. And I enjoyed it greatly! Most satisfying.

7/10

#11: PRIMATE

 

STARRING: Johnny Sequoyah, Jessica Alexander and Troy Kotsur. Written by Johnanes Roberts and Ernest Riera. Directed by Johnanes Roberts. Budget $24 million. Running time 89 minutes. Certificate 18!

A group of victims - comprising one vet, one deaf author who's also the father of two of the four girls, one handsome young man, and two random boys, whom the girls meet on the flight to Hawaii and invited over for a drinking and sex-party all end up in a cliff-top villa with an infinity pool all promptly become the soon-to-be victims of a man in a monkey suit pretending to be a chimpanzee with rabies. Much hilarity ensues as the bloke in the suit lumbers around the place offing teenagers, ripping off faces, biting chunks out of them, breaking fingers, smashing skulls, and generally not being a good boy. 

Offering nothing new to the tired genre of teenagers getting killed by somebody, save for the conceit that it's a bloke in a monkey suit doing the killing, while pretending he's been bitten by a rabid mongoose and thereby suffering from Rabies, which as we all know turns you into an almost superhuman, supernatural being able to come back to life for one more go, even though he's quite clearly dead. And which also means the victim of Rabies becomes phobic about water leading most of the cast to get in the pool to wait things out, only getting out constantly to progress the plot and provide victims for the ape-suited killer.

Not much to say about this really, there's the occasional jump scare, which always makes me tut, some gruesome deaths, the best in a bed will have you squirming, and the rest are gorily unpleasant. The cast, or at least their characters all deserve death, so that's fun, watching them die horribly. Continuity takes a holiday at times during the proceedings when it's needed to make sure this thing stays on the tracks. Characters avoid saying things or doing things that could help them, and injuries are only obstacles when needed and can be ignored if necessary - like broken hands, blood loss, broken ribs, skulls and/or limbs. Thankfully, the ending trundles into view briskly and you realise it's only taken 90 minutes of your life. 

Not the worst thing I've ever seen.

6/10

Actually, come to think of it, maybe it wasn't a man in a suit, maybe it was supposed to be a monkey with Rabies, but it was being played by a bloke in a monkey suit. That might explain why he was living in a cage in the garden. The monkey I mean, not the man in the monkey suit. Unless of course he's a method actor.