#85: THE DOG STARS

 

STARRING: Jacob Elordi, Josh Brolin, Margaret Qualley and Guy Pearce. Screenplay by Mark L. Smith. Based on the book The Dog Stars by Peter Heller. Directed by Ridley Scott. Budget $110 million. Running time 118 minutes. 

For many years Ridley Scott worked on developing a movie based on the classic science fiction novel, I am Legend by Richard Matheson. It would have been the third adaptation of the book and would have starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role of Robert Neville, played previously by Vincent Price in Last Man on Earth (1964), and Charlton Heston in The Omega Man (1971). Alas it was not to be. 

That was back in 1998, now in 2026, 28 years later Scott bounces back with this! The Dog Stars, a film with that original sf classic embedded in its DNA, featuring as it does a flu-ravaged, post apocalyptic wasteland of ruined, overgrown cities, hordes of nomadic Reapers ravaging the countryside and a stoic, grief-stricken hero and his dog, although this time he's joined by not one, but two stoic, grief-stricken old men with serious anger management issues and one beautiful young woman. That's also the plot, bar the introduction of a mysterious community of survivors operating out of a small town airport.

The book upon what this film is based on, is a staggering slow read, filled with chapters of seemingly endless descriptions of the leaves moving in the wind and stoic PDSD men droning on about nature, and survivalism. It depicts a world much reduced from the one in the film. In the book, chapters fly by with nary a glimpse of another human being. And when they stumble, starved and desperate they number in the ones, or twos. Or in the 'big action beat' scene nine, while in the film it's like bloody Piccadilly Circus, I mean like every five minutes another roaming group of survivors stumble into view only to be executed without a word or difficulty. 

Hig (Jacob Elordi) and Bangley (Josh Brolin) spend their days bickering and shooting anyone who dares to wander onto their patch – a rundown airfield, from where Hig goes flying almost everyday to nearby Denver on supply runs. It's been nine years since the world ended in a flu pandemic and the world is gone. Everyone, except Hig, his much loved dawg, and Bangley, an ex-combat marine, are desperate and starving, but old Hig has it down good, every week he goes off on the weekly shop, just unlike you or I, he goes off in his still functioning light aircraft, fuelled by petrol that's not gone off. He shoots off to Denver with his dog, lands takes out an electric buggy, visits his old home, mourns his dead wife, then goes shopping, picking up sodas and drugs he keeps hidden in a functioning walk-in refrigerator, then on the way back he stops off a nearby Mennonite community  near the airfield and benevolently hands out the drugs and Cokes. But good ole Hig is an ickle sad, his wife died in the pandemic and he sort of blames himself. Then one day he picks up a radio transmission and decides to go off to investigate. Along the way, his engine fails and he's forced to crash-land, but luckily it's only a minor inconvenience as he comes across Cima (Margaret Qualley) and her dad, Jack (Guy Pearce) who are also surviving quite nicely thank you in a secret hidden valley. Anyway, there's a army of reapers who stumble across our gang of friendly survivalists so Hig, Cima and Jack fly away looking for the home of the transmission. Meanwhile, back at home, Bangley is swamped by an sodding army of tattooed skinheads who want what he has. 

This looks beautiful, the post apocalyptic city scapes are eerie and impressive, the cast are fine, although they seem a little bored by it all, and it's competently  directed by Scott, but this is most certainly third tier Scott, down there with the likes of A Good Year, G.I. Jane and Robin Hood. Beyond the expertly finessed art direction, there's nothing here that screams Ripley, sorry Ridley. It's just a generic plod. It's also not helped by the introduction of a truly ridiculous third-act action set-piece which feels like an entirely different film shoehorned in because of the lack of some action, unless your idea of action is watching people clearing a field of rocks and stones.

Trouble is I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic movies and books, I eat them up, call me a prepper, but I just love the idea of wandering the wasteland looking for gazoleen, the last Twinkie or bottle of diet Coke, especially if Margaret Qualley is along for the ride. 

And finally, what's up with Hollywood and this genre of rugged men in light aircraft and their dogs, what with this and the up coming Brad Pitt flick, Heart of the Beast?

This? Slow, sombre, sad but not altogether terrible. That said I bet you a stack of 10,000 dollar bills it's going to polarise people. As for me, I can see myself happily rewatching this as a double bill with The Omega Man on a cold Sunday afternoon. 

7/10

#84: CASINO

 

STARRING: Robert DeNiro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci, Don Rickles, Kein Pollak, James Wood. Screenplay by Nicholas Pileggi and Martin Scorsese. Based on the book Casino: Love and Honor in Las Vegas by Nicholas Pileggi. Cinematography by Robert Richardson. Edited by Thelma Schoonmaker. Directed by Martin Scorsese. Budget $50 million. Running time 178 minutes long. Originally released in 1995.

If Goodfellas is the blue collar world of organised film, then this, is the sequin encrusted jumpsuit of crime. Set in 1973 and exclusively in Las Vegas, it follows the rise of Sam 'Ace' Rothstein (Robert DeNiro) who's sent by the Chicago Mafia to run the Tangiers Casino, trouble is he's bringing a shit ton of emotional and psychotic luggage with him that's going to make his job a lot harder. 

I originally hated this when it first came out, it felt like an unnecessary sequel to Goodfellas, I couldn't see what was different about it, but over time and repeated viewings it's warmed on me, sure it's far more brutal than GF, it's longer, it's more intense and it feels far more real, there's a sense of excitement about GF, you kinda want the three leads to maybe get away with it. But here, it feels far more real and close. Watching Sam and Ginger's marriage collapse is difficult to watch, the rage and anger unleashed makes you feel like an accidental witness. Similarly, Joe Pesci's Nicky is so unhinged so dangerous you feel no warmth for him, no connection and his final demise is so vicious, so violent and yet you're glad he's dead, there's a sense of relief that washes over you. 

The three main actors are at the top of their game in this, Joe Pesci is truly unhinged and scary, you really feel he is capable of anything. DeNiro seems to inhabit the role of Sam and gives him a sheen vulnerability that feels real, despite the fact you feel he's only a fraction away from lashing out, but is too scared too.  And then there's Sharon Stone  as Sam's wife, Ginger McKenna who has never been better, her raw power, or dependency on her boyfriend/pimp, James Wood feels horribly real. All three bring such a sense of realism to their roles that film feels at times more like a fly-on-the wall documentary.

It's still got all that wonderful Scorsese DNA, the use of popular music as a soundtrack, the extraordinary editing skills of Thelma Schoonmaker and the cinematography is gorgeous. But it's not as good as Goodfellas, it's perhaps a little too long and it's just too raw.

For a film that runs two minutes shy of three hours, it flies by in a blurr. I was engrossed from the moment it started 'till it's explosive ending. This short run of Scorsese films at my local Cineworld has been an utter delight and I thank them for sharing some true stone-cold classics like this. 

An absolute cinematic treat. But it doesn't quite reach the greatness of Goodfellas.

9/10

#83: ONE NIGHT ONLY

 

STARRING: Monica Barbaro and Callum Turner. Also featuring Maya Hawke, Molly Ringwald and LeVar Burton. Written by Travis Braun. Directed by Will Gluck. Budget $25 million. Running time 102 minutes. 

It's the near future and in America the ultra right have won the election and control the country. Their first move is to instigate a total 'no sex before marriage' mandate banning premarital sex. The entire population has been tattooed with a tattoo that changes colour meaning if it's red you can't have sex, and if it's green you can. If you're married you can have sex whenever you want, but if you're single you have to wait for that one day of the year when for 12 hours you can have sex with anyone you like as long as it's consensual. And on that very special day we meet Allie (Monica Barbaro) an aspiring jingle singer with performance issues and jug-eared Owen (Callum Turner) who owns and runs his own pizzeria called Claremont. He's a hopeless romantic waiting to propose to his girlfriend of three years on the night the whole country goes fuck-crazy, while Allie wants to find something more than just a meaningless shag. He finds out his girlfriend wants a hall-pass for meaningless sex with someone else and Allie just wants the D.  Throughout the evening these two cross paths more often than is normal, I mean be it the waiting room of a police station, in the queue to buy the last remaining condom in the city, at a private invite only party for the hottest pop singer in the business, or literally on the street corner, it's almost like fate had commanded these two be together. What follows is the classic Boy meets girl, loses girl, meets another girl, while girl meets another boy, both lose respective boys and girls before meeting other boys and girls before losing those before reuniting with original girl, in his case, before realising they want the other but then losing each other before the happy ending. And oddly enough it's that happy ending that's missing. For a film obsessed with meaningless sex with random strangers this is a film that's ridiculously chaste when it comes to the two leads making the beast with two backs, because when push almost become thrust (or shove) and with literally minutes left on the clock before the no sex rule kicks back in again, these two lug heads decide to wait another year before playing 'let's hide the salami.' because if something is good it's worth waiting for. And the strange thing is that this last minute cock block just reinforces the whole celibacy until married conceit. And while the chant from all the insanely horny sex-upped singletons throughout the film is "FUCK THE MANDATE!" except for our two leads who when we join them a year later, living together the message seems to be, "It's better to wait." Mixed. Fucking. Messaging.

What a weird little film this is. The two leads who are as horny as fuck and twice as sexy are so chaste they could have stepped out of a Hallmark flick. Callum Turner as jug-eared as he is, is nevertheless easy on the eye, as is Moncia Barbaro whose plunging halter-top silver mini dress is silver revelation excude sex appeal by the bucket load and have lovely chemistry and charm to boot but it's all above the waist and the nearest we get to any sex is no-tongue kissing and not a single nork grope, or bum squeeze.  

Also, the logic and complex set-up makes this whole world seem utterly implausible. It's like a reverse Handmaids Tale of sexual politics. Both Allie and Owen have sexless encounters throughout the evening but neither has sex, saving themselves for the other at the climax of the film and it all feels so virginal. Mildly amusing, some of the situations and characters they encounter raise a smile, perhaps none more so than when LeVar Burton and Owen's mum, Molly Ringwald who hook up for some bubblewrap kinky sex. But that's about it for fun, or sex. With neither a bare bum, or boob, save for one chaste sidebob, to see, there's no sex, or nudity, which is weird in a film about meaningless sex. 

It's all so toothless and sweet. 5/10

   

#82: COYOTE VS. ACME

 

STARRING: Will Forte, Lana Condor, Tone bell, Luis Guzman, Martha Kelly, P.J. Byrne, Eric Bauza, Kenneth Choi and John Cena. Screenplay by Samy Burch. Story by James Gunn, Jeremy Slater and Samy Burch. Directed by Dave Green. Budget #72 million. Running time 103 minutes. 

Think of this as the 21st Century response to the utterly superb 1988 Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Set in the present and featuring a world where cartoon characters and humans co-exist side-by-side in harmony.

The plot sees Wile E. Coyote decide to hire the services of a small law firm, Avery, Jones & Maltese to sue ACME – the ubiquitous industrial complex that creates devices for cartoon charactors. After decades of failing to capture the Road Runner, the Coyote decides the defective ACME products he's been using, are responsible and sets out to sue ACME for damages, setting in motion the court case of the century. But as Kevin Avery (Will Forte) and his niece, Paige Avery (Lana Condor) start to investigate they uncover a conspiracy decades in the making, leading ACME's head lawyer, Buddy Crane (John Cena) to go on the attack. Leading to a dramatic race to a congressional investigation, where the Road Runner will testify, assuming he lives long enough...

Funny, meta, packed with gags, visual and verbal and enough Easter Eggs to keep even the most hardened fans of the Warner Bros. cartoons happy, this was an absolute hoot! The animation is top notch and the the cast list of legendary WB characters includes Bugs, Daffy, Tweety, Sylvester, Porky, Foghorn and even includes a legendary 1930s character actor by the name of Lorre. 

I've not laughed this much at a film in ages, it's such a playful, joyful and funny film that doesn't pander, doesn't preach and still packs a rather sweet little ending. 

Sadly, this is going to tank and tank hard. Its story to the big screen is worthy of a film in its own right. Originally scheduled for deletion back in 2023 as part of a tax write off, that included Batgirl, the film was rescued and sold off, but released at the tail end of August with an almost non-existent press campaign, which is a great shame because this was a terrifically funny flick, it's got heart, silliness and some brilliant gags. 

If you love the films of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones Go and see it, you'll love it. The characterisation of Wile E. Coyote is spot on, and he stays utterly true to his cartoon origins. The animation is a treat and really looks hand-drawn, John Cena continues to show his comedic chops but gets a little sidetracked. And finally fantastic to see Leghorn Foghorn back in action. 

8/10   

#81: TRAINSPOTTING

STARRING: Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Kevin McKidd, Robert Carlyle, Kelly MacDonald, Peter Mullan, Eileen Nicholas, Shirley Henderson, James Cosmo, Kevin and Keith Allen. Screenplay by John Hodge. Based on the book by Irvine Welsh. Cinematography by Brian Tufano and edited by Masahiro Hirakubo. Directed by Danny Boyle. Budget £1.5 million. Box office takings £48 million. Running time 93 minutes. Originally released in 1996.

It's 30 years since this film first debuted and I can still remember it vividly, it's one that has stayed with me all these years, so the chance to revisit it on the big screen was too much to resist. But, has it stood the test of time, or has it become jaded and old? It's funny, but the same week I watched this again and I've seen both Ewan Mcgregor and Kelly MacDonald in new stuff, The End of Oak St. for him and the new Lanterns show for her.

The Trainspotting plot is told from the point of view of Renton (McGregor) and starts off as an apparent love letter to the joys of heroin and drug taking and a rejection of normality, a carrion call to reject 'life' and embrace the joys of smack, but it soon becomes clear that Renton is lying to himself and he desperately tries to crack his addiction. The trouble is, his whole life and all of his friends are involved in one way or another and every time he seems to get clear he falls back into his old ways, leading to one final attempt to escape his chaotic life. 

By god this is a great film, directed with true passion and energy by Danny Boyle. Brilliantly edited, and photographed. The soundtrack – a compilation album of bangers perfectly captures the mood and spirit of the times. The writing is sharp, funny and crisp, capturing Renton's inner monologue perfectly. But it's the acting that truly elevates this to something special. The six young leads are just note perfect, McGregor has a lot of carrying to do and he does it with effortless skill. Robert Carlyle's Begbie is one of cinema's greatest villains and the menace and violence he brings to the role is outstanding. Jonny Lee Miller's James Bond obsessed Sick Note brings both pathos and humour. while Ewen Bremner's Spud, perhaps the film's funniest character is also its saddest, although Kevin McKid's Tommy is by far the most tragic. 

This is a film that starts off by telling us the reason kids do drugs, and in particular heroin, is because it feels so good, but which never glamourises or sensationalises drug use, it just shows the reality, of five friends lying on the floor of a drug den littered in fag butts and discarded needles in slums lost in a bliss-filled haze of a drug rush. 

This is a funniest, intense and sobbering film that's lost none of its power and feels as fresh today as it did back in 1986. This new 4K restored version of the film presents an Edinburgh that is hideous in tooth and claw, which only helps to make the whole experience feel even more real. If you get a chance go and see the sort of film 'they' just don't make any more. 

10/10

 

#80: MUTINY

 

STARRING: Jason Statham, Annabelle Wallis, Roland Møller and Adrian Lester. Written by Lindsay Michel and J.P. Davis. Directed by Jean-Francois Richet. Budget $50 million. Running time 95 minutes.

Jason's job in this new outing is bodyguard and chauffeur to shipping magnate, Tibor (Ramon Tikaram). Jason or Cole Reed as he's known in this outing has naturally a hidden past, he used to be not only a commando, a special forces operative but also a policeman, highly decorated, stoic, deadly serious, driven, committed, lethal, dangerous, fighter, loner, chess-champion, and most importantly one-man-killing machine. So when his surrogate father figure Tibor gets killed on his watch during a botched kidnapping attempt, that sees Cole framed for the murder of Tibor and death of four policemen and the small army of thugs out to kill Tibor he does the only thing he can. He goes undercover as a sailor on a shipping container ship Tibor owned to find out why Tibor was killed.

That's the plot, sort of, there's other stuff too, a container holds trafficked people who a bunch of pirates want, but mostly it's just Cole on a ship killing off the 20+ sailors under the stewardship of villainous Captain Marko Madsen (Roland Møller), who it turns out had something to do with the killing of Cole's dad some years earlier. Added to the mix is 3rd Mate Angie Ellis (Annabelle Wallis) shoe-horned into the script because the focus group that shaped and moulded this felt it was a little sausage heavy. So in comes Angie who's more than capable of fighting and killing with impunity.

And so with the scenario set up and the plot running it's just a case of watching JS butcher 20 odd men using his fists, feet, and whatever guns, knives, hay hooks and harpoon guns that come his way. 

But unlike his previous cinematic outing's character, Shelter's Michael Mason, Cole Reed isn't invulnerable and actually gets stabbed in the chest, top left, which after a minimal bleed does no more than to make him even more peevish. 

Then it's Die Hard on a boat, or Underseige: The Remake, as Cole just does his thing in confined spaces before finally confronting Marko Madsen for one last fight. then it's back to Far East to get revenge on the man who set the whole film in motion. 

If you've read enough of my posts you know I like Jason Statham films and this is no exception. It's vicious, nasty, and surprisingly violent. The action isn't edited to death and the gore and injury details are surprisingly not skimped on. This isn't big or clever, it's not creating something new, and it most certainly isn't reinventing the wheel. There's no humour to undercut the violence and the only one liner we get is Cole thanking Tibor for gifting him a Rolex watch that enables Cole to unscrew some screws. 

Like all Statham films it's not big, or clever, it just gets the job done. Bish Bosh. And unlike the American based adventures, he gets to keep his British accent. 

6/10 

 

#79: TONY

 

STARRING: Dominic Sessa, Emilia Jones, Dagmara Dominczyk, Rich Sommer, Stavros Halkias, Leo Woodall and Antonio Banderas. Written by Matt Johnson, Matthew Mller, Todd Bartels and Lou Howe. Directed by Matt Johnson. Running time 106 minutes. 

It's 1975 and Jaws is playing in a double bill with the classic Charles Bronson movie, Violent City, while staggeringly creepy 19-year old Vassar College student, Anthony 'Tony' Bourdain (Dominic Sessa)lies to everyone he meets, knows or has even the merest of interactions with that he's a budding writer and winner of a writing scholarship, even his family. Latching on with all the focus of a laser guided missile, Tony fixates on fellow student Nancy Putkoski (Emilia Jones) and follows her to Provincetown in Massachusetts, for the summer, after stealing a couple of hundred dollars from his doting father. Once in Provincetown, Tone gets pissed, runs up a debt in a lobster restaurant called the Flagship, loses all his money, gets beaten up and knocked unconscious. In the morning he wakes up in a hammock on the back porch of the kindly owner of the Flagship (Antonio Banderas) and blags himself a job as a dishwasher where he slowly befriends the gang of psychopaths and maniacs who work in the kitchen. Every morning the unnamed Flagship owner throws a bucket of water over Tony, who then spends the day, smoking, taking drugs and flirting with Nancy. All the while Tone pretends to be a writer while not writing anything while secretly observing the practices of the kitchen. Finally he convinces the owner to open a special Friday night dinner service and serve lobster thermidor to impress Nancy, so he can shag her, and ends up burning down the restaurant. Which naturally upsets Antonio who tells Tone he was going to offer him a full time job. To repay the kindly old man, Tone and his junkie friend break into Antonio's house, steal a cooking book and stage a clam bake BBQ on the beach pretending to raise money to rebuild the Flagship. Happily the two young men collect a huge amount of money for 'charity' when Antonio arrives and Tone decides to make amends for being an absolute shitberg for the previous 100 minutes and sods off to culinary school in New York, but only after reuniting with his family so they can forgive him for stealing and running away. Before a series of captions tell us that the real life Anthony Bourdain went on to write a book about kitchens and travel the world. 

And that's it plot wise.

This is a tonally weird film about a miserable, self-obsessed teenage arsehole who thinks the fucking world owes him a living. Convinced of his own greatness and happy to roll over anyone he chooses and to lie, steal and cheat to get what he wants, the young Bourdain is a thoroughly unlikable little shit played horribly by Dominic Sessa who makes Bourdain appear to be a serial killer in training. He spends the whole film looking dirty, unkempt and disgusting, he's a boy who never bathes or brushes his teeth. All he does is stalk Nancy and try and groom her into having sex with him. He spends every second he is with her staring at her as if she's a piece of meat he's about to fillet. Every moment Sessa takes the stage you find yourself subconsciously scratching and fantasying about having a wash once the film is over. 

At no point does Bourdain become even remotely likeable and his grubby, greedy, self-obsessed narcissism becomes quite exhausting. The film presents him as a loner, a rebel destined for greatness but Sessa who spends the film slumped over like a hunchback and peering through greasy curly bangs is so unlikeable there's never any chance you'll buy into his self-obsessed bullshit. 

As an award-winning TV chef, I love a film about cooking but it seems the only nation capable of creating fantastic films about cooking are the French. For comparison, the French gave us the exquisite fare like The Taste of Things, about a banquet of fine wine and food while the yanks gave us Chef, about a food van selling cheese toasties. In fact the best movie America has ever given us about food was The Menu.

Because Sessa's Bourdain is so sleazy and unlikeable you spend the film wanting the foppish haired twat to fail, you're practically egging him on to so so in spectacular fashion, however, when the fail finally arrives late in the third act, it's handled with all the finese of a dine and dash. It's clumsy and implausible, he apparently doesn't realise that throwing buckets of water over an oil fire isn't a good idea and only succeeds in setting fire to the restaurant. Thank fuck then for Antonio who at least offers a subtle masterclass in less is more acting, but that's really about all I've got to praise it. 

It looks okay, some of the scenery is nice but that's all it really has going for it. I think a film following Bourdain after he leaves culinary school for his journey round the world would have been more interesting. Not so this, which arrives with all the pomp and ceremony of a disappointing desert.

6/10