#10: DOG

Written by Reid Caroline. Directed and starring Channing Tatum, also starring Ethan Suplee, Jane Adams and Kevin Nash. Running time 101 minutes. Budget $15 million.

The plot sees decorated and wounded U.S. Army Ranger Briggs desperate to be signed off well enough to fight for a private security firm, but to do this he needs his old CO to sign him off. However his Captain won't unless Briggs agrees to transport a PTSD suffering combat dog, called Lulu, across America to the funeral of her dead handler and Briggs' old army buddy. 

Along the way the two damaged souls bond and heal each other, and give each other the chance of a new life.

Warm and heart-felt, without feeling overly sentimental or mawkish, the road trip plot gives our two very loveable characters a series of minor adventures and encounters to bond and heal over. Channing Tatum directs with competence and the performances are all good, particularly in a scene with Jane Adams and Kevin Nash as a couple of married cannabis farmers, which is perhaps the funniest scene of the film, far funnier than the hotel scene, heavily shown in the trailer.

Interestingly, the dog, played by four different animals is presented as a real dog, and not the usual cinematic dog we're used to, the sort with a wisdom and intelligence that seems almost human. In stead we're given an animal that seems all too dog-like in its attitude and interaction with Briggs. Lulu conveys the sense that she too has been deeply traumatised by her war experiences, and the scene at her dead master's funeral is a real tear jerker. 

There's also a sense of shock when you learn what these combat dogs go through that seems all too tragic, and yet the bond they form with their human handlers is profoundly moving and deep. 

It's not all good, there's a moderate chase midway through the movie, which feels a little too much like an excuse for some action, with a payoff that just gives the film a chance to show a alternative outcome for Briggs, had life has played out differently. And there's an almost montage sequence where Briggs encounters a variety of liberal millennials who all react badly to his more horny gung-ho attitudes.  

While the trailer would have you think this is more comedy than drama, I found it far more emotional than funny. And perhaps because I'm a dog owner, I enjoyed it and felt quite moved by the time the all-too obvious ending arrived.

Overall, it left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside.  

7/10

#9: DEAF ON THE NILE

Starring Kenny Branagh, Armie Hammer, Gal Gadot, Rose Leslie, Tom Bateman, Annette Bening, Russell Brand, Ali Fazal, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Emma Mackey, Sphie Okonedo and Letitia Wright. Written by Michael 'That's a hard fucking no' Green, directed by Kenny Branagh. 126 minutes long and costing $90 million dollars. 

Hercule Poirot gets his face blown off in the WW1, grows a really stupid moustache to cover up the mess and 24 years later takes a river cruise down the Nile on a Club 18-30 'Boat Party' where, although he fails to prevent a shit-load of people from getting murdered does somehow manage to solve the murders but only after 125 minutes have elapsed, thus cutting it really fine. If he'd taken just one minute longer, the film would have ended and the butler would have got away with it. Oops, spoiler.

Anyway, once again a remake of a classic Agatha Christie movie, this time of the far superior 1978 version starring a similarly stellar cast and Peter Ustinov as Poirot, incidentally did you know that 26 different actors have portrayed the little Belgium over the years, including Charles Laughton and Orson Welles!

Overall this was quite enjoyable, but let down by some terrible CGI and some really jarring and unnecessary camera moves and angles, something that Branagh did in Murder on the Orient Express, that really pulls you out of the moment. There's also the need for a very unnecessary origin story for Poirot's moustache that adds nothing to the character, seriously Hollywood we don't need origin stories for our characters, we're big enough to accept them ready formed. Oh and a very out of period sequence at the beginning of the movie with some truly inaccurate and embarrassing dirty dancing in a London Jazz club that advertises with a neon sign that reads: LIVE MUSIC. It's 1937, what other sort of music would there be?

The deduction takes a long time to get going, actually as do the murders, but once it finally gets going it's entertaining and well handled and you should be able to work out who dunnit through diligent detection and deduction.

Looks nice, good costumes, and a good assortment of actors doing stuff well. And will no doubt spawn this future pub quiz question. Q. What film saw Dr. Frankenstein, Wonder Woman and the Lone Ranger team up to solve a murder?

7/10

 

#8: UNCHARTERED

 

Starring Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Sophia Ali, Tait Gabrielle and Antonio Banderas. Written by Rafe Lee Judkins, Art Marcum and Matt Holloway. Directed by Ruben Fleischer. Budget $120 million. Running time 116 minutes. 12A

Welcome to the world of Uncharted, a film based on a hugely successful series of games, starring Spider Man, Zorro, and the world's highest paid actor of 2017, Marky Mark Wahleberg.

Considering that this film took 14 years to make, burned through seven different directors, and at least 15 writers you'd assume you were about to witness a perfect, mistake-free, beautifully written, superbly directed and utterly stunning 10/10 movie wouldn't you?

And you would be wrong.

This is another generic, bland and excitement-free plod through a by-the-numbers, dreary plot that sees our unpleasant hero, a good-looking mugger and sneak thief Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) team up with a habitual liar and con-artist Victor Sully (Mark Wahlberg) to lie, cheat and steal their way to the resting place of Magellan's  legendary haul of gold regardless of anyone who gets in their way. Along the way they lock horns with a fellow treasure-hunter Moncada (Antonio Banderas) - a psychotic, ruthless industrialist with murderous daddy issues and his hired killer - Braddock (Tait Gabrielle) a blood-thirsty mercenary, who is so good with a knife that she manages to graphically cut someone's throat without spilling a single drop of blood. 

Using Magellan's map and a notebook written by Drake's long lost brother, everybody casually strolls across the globe from one clue to the next and from one rather dull stunt to the next. Characters double-cross each other in every other scene and their numbers are whittled down until the final gravity-defying, physics-free, logic-ignoring, aerial CGI showdown onboard a couple of century-old galleons slung beneath massive helicopters.

They all spend a veritable fortune in their greedy, money-obsessed quests for more wealth and you're left feeling the only positive virtue any of these utter shitholes has is naked avarice. 

This film uses that old technique of opening with an action packed sequence taken from later on in the plot, with Drake hanging out the back of a cargo plane. This is a ruse by the film makers to make you think you're in for an exciting and fun-filled thrill ride. The trouble is, because it's so utterly impossible for this to be a real-life stunt rather than just another CGI splurge you have no engagement, it's just pixels washing over you, it's just another cutscene. And ultimately this is a film made up of cutscenes taken from a game someone else is playing. 

If you put your brain in a box, ignore the gapping plot holes and the continuity issues. Embrace the fact that all of these characters are utterly despicable and murder with total impunity you're still going to have a dull time, because this is no Moonfall. This is a bland, dreary, and boring film with an unpleasant centre that manages to be both dull and un-engaging in equal measure.

You find yourself reminded of all the films that inspired the game in the first place like, the Raiders of the Lost Arc movies or Nicolas Cage's two National Treasure movies or even, god forbid, the Davinci Code and you'll actually realise you'd much rather be home watching one of those (except for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, cos everyone knows that's a piece of shit) rather than this lazy, dull, chemistry free mood board of a movie. Actually, come to think of it, I'd rather rewatch Crystal Skull again than this cinematic semi-chubby.

Then once it's all over, it sequel baits like a pathetic, ugly puppy begging for dinner scraps.

4/10 for the scenery. 

#7: JACKASS FOREVER

 

Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Dave England, Wee Man, Danger Ehren, Preston Lacy, Sean ‘Poopies’ McInerney, Zach Holmes, Jasper Dolphin, Rachel Wolfson, Eric Manaka, and Compston ‘Dark Shark’ Wilson. Written by Andrew Weinberg, Colton Dunn, Derrick Beckes, Eric Andre, Knate Gwaltney, Nick Kreiss, Sarah Shermona, Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Tremaine and Spike Jonze. Directed by Jeff Tremaine.  Budget $10 million. Running time: 96 minutes.

 

If the sight of adult penis painted green and made up to look like Godzilla stomping through a city doesn’t sound your idea of funny, then I’d suggest giving this fourth outing for the Jackass boys a miss, cos that’s just the pre-credit sequence and from then on it’s downhill all the way, but in a good way!

 

I have no idea why I find penial violence so funny, but it is and watching these jackasses getting, punched, kicked, slapped, whacked, bitten, and shot (with paint balls, pucks, and baseballs) in the genitals is never anything less than hilarious, and not just the balls, the shaft is also given swift justice. I was weeping with laughter throughout this brutal onslaught, made all that more amusing by the fact the boys are now approaching middle age. And when they’re not been brutalised in the genitals, they’re also getting fired out of air cannons, thrown down insane slopes, battered by bulls and bears, blown up in porta-loos, covered in bull semen, and bees, electrocuted and just generally getting their stupid asses powned, to coin a phrase.

Of them all, the abuse meted out to Danger Ehren is simply staggering, as his three Cup Test Challenge testifies.

 

While neither big, nor clever, it is nevertheless bloody funny, and I was weak with laughter by the end of it and the 96 minutes just flew by. Worth seeing with an audience so you can howl together in gleeful guilty-pleasure delight.

7/10

#6: MOONFALL

 

Starring: The Moon, Halle Berry, Patrick Wilson ,John Bradley, Michael Pena, Charlie Plummer, Kelly Yu and Donald Sutherland. Written by Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser and Spenser Cohen. Directed by Roland Emmerich. Budget $140 million, running time 130 minutes.

The Moon it turns out is not what it seems, and what it is will leave you weeping with laughter. 

The plot sees a NASA satellite repair mission destroyed by a mysterious cloud of cgi gubbins, but no one believes Astronut, Patrick Wilson when he tries to tell the world what actually happened. In fact he's ridiculed, loses his job, his marriage, and his friendship with 'mission wife' Halle Berry. 

10 years later, Super-structure conspiracy theorist, John Bradley tries to tell the world that the Moon is out of orbit, and guess what no one believes him either. Hmmm, I wonder if these two events are related? 

Cue a mad-cap Hail-Marry mission as Berry, Wilson and Bradley set off in a moth-balled Space Shuttle to find out what is causing the Moon to misbehave and that's when it all gets silly, really, really silly.

If you're thinking of going to see Moonfall you need to prepare yourself. Go in with absolutely no expectations and approach it as if it were a Panto. If you do that and are prepared to shout: "THE MOON, IT'S BEHIND YOU!" you have a higher chance of enjoying it, although it's not guaranteed. However, God help you if you go along expecting anything resembling a proper film because you're going to have a wretched time.

This is without doubt the daftest film I have seen in a very long time. In fact it's downright stupid, ridiculous, and staggeringly idiotic. It has no depth, no subtly, and absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever, except for the fact it's relentless, it never lets up, and you're never more than 30 seconds away from another bout of action, mayhem or disaster. It's the movie equivalent of eating a bucket of sweet popcorn, while you're munching fistfuls of it, it's fab, but as soon as it's finished you'll have completely forgotten all about it, and your brain, like your fingers are sticky. 

I was amazed to discover that it took three people to write this nonsense, I genuinely thought it was just made up on the spot so to discover that three grown men, with crayons gripped in their little paws actually wrote this was bloody  amazing. It's a sorry fall from grace for Roland Emmerich, the man who once gave us the wonderful delights of Independence Day, 2012, and Stargate. Actually he's also the man who gave us 10,000 BC, Independence Day: Resurgence and Shite House Down, so you know, swings and roundabouts.

Never has the phrase, 'It's not big, and it's not clever' been more accurate. The only way this film works is if you treat it like a comedy, but even then you're laughing at it, not with it. Plus it ends with a truly hateful bout of sequel baiting. 

Go in expecting a Panto and you might have more fun, otherwise avoid like the plague. Me personally, I laughed and left with a smile on my face, but then I like crappy films. 

6/10

#5: NIGHTMARE ALLEY

Starring Bradly Cooper, Cate Blanchett, Rooney Mara, Toni Collette, Willem Dafoe, Ron Perlman, Richard Jenkins, David Strathairn, Richard Jenkins and Mary Steenburgen. Written by Kim Morgan and Guillermo del Toro. Directed by Guillermo del Toro. Budget $60 million. Running time: 150 minutes.

This is a hardboiled crime noir, filmed in sumptuous full-colour, detail-rich glory, and art-directed, and costume designed to within an inch of its life, in a word this film looks beautiful. Featuring a superb cast, and a good script, this also has a brutal touch that sees del Toro feast on sudden intense bursts of gory violence, that are sure to have you wincing. 

The film, set in 1939, follows penniless drifter Stan Carlsle (Bradley Cooper) a man with a terrible secret as he tries to escape his past by joining a travelling carnival. Starting at the bottom by tending to the alcoholic Geek, Stan learns his trade and leaves some years later with a mentalist act and a beautiful young assistant Molly (Rooney Mara). It’s not long before he’s risen to the top of his game and performing a mind-reading and clairvoyant act for New York’s elite as The Great Stanton.

Which is where the film, after about an hour or so finally gets going. 

From then on, it’s Stan’s rise to the top as the Great Stanton before his inevitable descent after falling for the wrong girl, psychologist Dr. Ritter (Cate Blanchett), and getting mixed up with some truly sinister folk along the way.

Unfortunately, I guessed the ending, annoyingly right off the bat and so when it finally arrived I was disappointed, which is a shame because I loved so much about this film, especially when it was set purely in the carnival, and Stan's character was far more likeable, but once he became the Great Stanton, I found myself disliking him greatly. In fact, I wished the carnival had been the focus of the film, there were so many characters and incidents that craved ones attention and I longed to see what happened to them, especially because we're given a glimpse of their demise.

A well made and intriguing film that I wish had resonated more with me. 

8/10