2024: A REVIEW: THE BEST AND WORST FILMS OF THE YEAR

FILMS OF 2024

As 2024 drags its sorry carcass towards a conclusion it's time to see how it fared.  Well, surprisingly, while nearly all the blockbusters crashed and burned spectacularly, proving the old adage Nobody knows nothing it was a year filled with some damn fine films.

That said, I can't remember a year where so many films fought out for the converted best film of the year title, while at the other end of the spectrum the likes of Madame Web, Boredhands, Salem's Lot and Ghostbuster: Frozen Empire slugged it out for honour of being the worst.  

Also, with the absence of that much new Hollywood product the cinemas were forced to fill their schedules with re-issues of classic movies, so for me a win-win scenario. And it was perhaps the first film in decades to have no real summer blockbuster to get behind. 

In total I went to the cinema a grand total of 77 times, of which 21 were re-issues of classic films.

SO, here we go for the list no one wants or even cares about. 

First up, we have my list for the top ten movies of 2024.

TOP TEN OF 2024

1. THE SUBSTANCE 10/10
"I loved every single gore soaked second and marvelled at the bravery of both Moore and Qualley's  performances. An astonishing film that cannot be described and needs to be seen to be believed."

2. THE ZONE OF INTEREST 10/10
"This is a powerful and deeply chilling experience, which despite its subject matter I urge you to see.."

3. NYE 10/10
"Brilliantly mounted and staged, it left me extremely moved in a way I found truly unique and special."

4. THE BOY AND THE HERON 10/10
"A beautiful, wonderful, dazzling movie with true heart and emotional depth that deserves to be seen on the big screen. It is pure cinematic perfection." 

5. FURIOSA: A MAD MAD MAX SAGA 9/10
"Apart from the sin of being a sequel, this was a deeply satisfying and fantastic visual spectacle that kept me on the edge of my seat and in rapt attention. I cannot wait to go and see it again."

6. POOR THING 9/10
"Still, this is a truly unique, extraordinary and superb film worthy of your time."

7. ONE LIFE 9/10
"The cast is simply superb, led by Hopkins who brings so much emotion and empathy to the role that the whole film left me a sobbing wreck by the end."

8. THE TASTE OF THINGS 9/10
"A slow, elegant, meticulous movie, beautifully directed by Trần Anh Hùng. It looks glorious, the acting is naturalistic and refined. The relationship between Eugénie and Bouffant is moving and beautiful and I was as captivated by the cooking as I was by the romance at its centre."

9. A DIFFERENT MAN 9/10
"A unique, brilliant, funny and highly entertaining little movie and I urge you to see it! You'll not have see anything quite like it before."

10. THE HOLDOVERS 9/10
"A truly charming and wonderful character study with a real heart and a life-affirming ending." 

HONOURABLE MENTION

11. JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX 8/10
"Fantastic performances, wonderful songs and a film that shrugged off the usual superhero guff to deliver a film that in time will be seen as a classic."

ALL THE REST:

12. CONCLAVE 8/10

13. CUCKOO 8/10

14. INSIDE OUT 2 8/10

15. THE IRON CLAW 8/10

16. THE BIKERIDERS 8/10

17. THE APPRENTICE 8/10

18. KNEECAP 8/10

19. BETWEEN THE TEMPLES 8/10

20. AMERICAN FICTION 8/10

21. KINDS OF KINDNESS 8/10

22. DUNE 2 8/10

23. CIVIL WAR 8/10

24. QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE 8/10

25. WICKED 8/10

26. LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL 8/10

27. DRIVE AWAY DOLLS 8/10

28. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE 7/10

29. FALL GUY 7/10

30. WICKED LITTLE LETTERS 7/10

31. GODZILLA KISS KING KONG 7/10

32. HORIZON: AN AMERICAN SAGA 7/10

33. MONKEY MAN 7/10

34. THE CRITIC 7/10

35. ALIEN ROMULUS 6/10

36. BEEKEEPER 6/10

37. IF 6/10

38. DESPICABLE ME 4 6/10

39. THE FIRST OMEN

40. BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE 6/10

41. LONGLEGS 6/10

42. BOY KILLS WORLD 6/10

43. TRAP 6/10

TOP TEN RE-ISSUES:

1. BLADE RUNNER 10/10

2. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY 10/10

3. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE 10/10

4. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD 10/10

5. THE MATRIX 10/10

6. OHMSS 10/10

7. PREDATOR 10/10

8. IRON GIANT 10/10

9. GLADIATOR 10/10

10. EMPIRE STRIKES BACK 10/10

OTHER RE-ISSUES SEEN

11. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL 10/10

12. 10. CARRIE 10/10

13. COMMANDO 9/10

14. MARY POPPINS 9/10

15. BACK TO THE FUTURE II 9/10

16. STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE 9/10

17. RETURN OF THE JEDI 8/10

18. SPEED 8/10

19. CON AIR 7/10

20. DEMOLITION MAN 7/10

21. STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM DENNIS 4/10

WORST FILMS OF 2024 (IN DESCENDING ORDER)

10. KRAVEN'S NEWROUND 5/10
"A middling little romp where everyone involved, except for Russell Crowe, seems to be giving a solid 60%."

9. RED ONE 4/10
"At two hours it's a good two hours too long and has nothing to recommend it."

8. SIEZE THEM! 4/10
"WHO ORDERED THE SHIT SANDWICH?"

7. ARGYLLE 4/10
"The ending with its hateful sequel baiting leaves one not with a cry of 'oh boy', there's another one coming!' but rather than an 'oh god, there's another one coming!' groan of weariness."

6. ROAD HOUSE 4/10
"Bland, generic and what's the word? Oh yes, rubbish." 

5. GHOSTBUSTERS: FROAEN EMPIRE 3/10
"It's a dull greatest hits album performed by a third-rate tribute band."

4. MEGAPOOPISS 2/10
"A long, boring, exploration of something or other that's really not worth a moment of your time and certainly not 40 years of your life." 

3. BOREDLAND 2/10
"This is the dullest film I've seen since Madame Webb, which this isn't even bad enough to worse than. Bland, dull, and piss-awfully shit." 

2. MADAME WEB 2/10
"This is a film with nothing to recommend it." 

1. SALEM'S LOT 2/10
"It's one of those films that so bad, it's bad, and not bad in a good way, but bad in the way that freshly trodden on meat-heavy dog shit can smell bad, bad." 

FOOTNOTE:
This category was, as always, a hard fought battle, and Salem's Lot only won-out in the end because of my love of both the source material and the superb original TV mini-series, this effort stripped away all the nuance and backstory and left us with a cheap, stupid and empty experience. Otherwise Madame Web would have easily won as it truly was a wretched piece of shit.

TOP TEN MOST READ REVIEWS

POOR THING
GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE
DUNE 2
MADAME WEB
ARGYLL
FALL GUY
MEGAOPOLIS
DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE
BORDERLANDS
CIVIL WAR
ALIEN: ROMULUS
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE

#77: RED ONE

 

STARRING: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu and J.K. Simmons. Written in its' loosest terms by Chris Morgan from a story by Hiram Garcia. Directed by jake Kasdan. Budget $200-250 million. Running time 123 minutes. 

There's a game we play at work where you have to guess a film by which superheroes were in it. So, for example if you were to say Red One you'd go, "I'm trying to remember a film, it's got Black Adam, Captain America, Sabrina the Witch and Dr. Watson in it." And people would go, "please can you just get on with your work."
 
I've seen two Christmas films this week, this and It's a Wonderful Life. Can you guess which of those will still be remembered in 20 years as a stone-cold Christmas classic and which one won't?

Red One is a terribly dull and boring action adventure romp so generic that its plot was shop-bought and everyone involved seems to be reading their lines off of cue-cards just off camera, all the characters are paper thin tropes and the actual story is so convoluted and dreary it's really not worth synopsising. But if you must. Santa gets kidnapped and it's up to Dwayne Johnson's Elf to team up with a man who hates Christmas Chris Evans to battle a wicked witch, Gryla, played by Kiernan Shipka. She wants to punish all those people on the naughty list. That's about it. At two hours it's a good two hours too long and has nothing to recommend it. Dull and bland. Save two hours of your life and watch something altogether infinitely better, like It's a Wonderful Life, unquestionably the best Christmas movie ever made.

This on the other hand is one of the worst, right down there with Violent Night.

All that said, the slapping sequence with Krampus is funny, hence the score, but that's it really.

4/10

#76: KRAVEN THE NEWSROUND

 

STARRING: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ariana DeBose, Fred Hechinger, Alessandro Nivola, Christopher Abbott and Russell Crowe. Written by Richard Wenk, Art Marcum and Matt Holloway from a story by Richard Wenk. Budget $110-130 million. Running time 127 minutes.

This is a good news, bad news kinda film. First the good news. This is better than either Madame Web or Morbius. Now the bad news, that's really all it has going for it. That said, it's really not awful, terrible, or even that golden egg of all bad films, 'so bad, it's good', no sadly it's just mediocre. A middling little romp where everyone involved, except for Russell Crowe, seems to be giving a solid 60%. 

The film gives us the origin story of not one but two Marvel supervillians, although one of them is supposed to be a secret only revealed in the final scene, not that you'll care should you make it that far. Instead we get the story of how two boys brought up by the Russian Mafia father, Russell Crowe grew up damaged after the suicide of their mother lead the eldest Sergei to run away from home and live in a fabulous Eastern Russian forest along side a very judgement herd of bison. Cut to 16 years later and Sergrei has grown up to be Aaron Taylor-Johnson rocking the single worst American accent in living memory. Anyway, when he's not moping about angst-ridden cos of his dad he's killing bad men who are on his naughty list. 
Oh wait! I forgot, there's a bit where we see Sergrei get his superpowers. When he was a kid he got bitten by a big old lion and a girl whose grandmother did Tarot card readings gave her a bottle of magic potion which the girl poured into the mauled boy's mouth. And viola he gains magical powers of some sort which means he sort of communicates with animals, has super speed, strength and agility. Seriously.
Anyway back to the 16 years later and Sergei is now the feared Hunter who hunts down bad men and kills them. And his brother Dimitri played by Fred Hechinger, who just so happens to be an amazing mimic able to sound like anybody, runs a nightclub in London. So Sergei who's been avoiding his dad for 16 years turns up at his brother's birthday and there's an awkward reunion but the next day Dimitri is kidnapped by henchmen working for another Russian gangster called Alekse Sytsevich who just who happens to be Rhino. Anyway he wants The Hunter killed so he hires another person with super powers called The Foreigner who can cloud men's minds and then there's loads of running around London and Africa chasing after Dimitir, it all builds to a conclusion where people die who need to die and a final scene sees Sergei confront his father before Dimitri reveals his true identity as another supervillian, one whose ability to perfectly mimic another person makes him an ideal candidate for. 

That's the plot, I think, hard to remember I saw this film 2 hours ago and already it's just a dim memory.

I was struck by how shit the supporting actors were, how awful Aaron's woeful American accent was, I mean it's so jarring you're aware of it every time he opens his beautiful mouth. And just how pedestrian the whole thing is, how generic, how dull and bland. Added to that, the production values are boring, the special effects aren't that special and there's nothing really stand out or amazing, that's not to say that this is a terrible film, indeed if I had to praise one thing it would be Aaron Taylor Johnson whose fabulously honed body is a delight to oggle, it's obvious that between takes he's pumping his guns to perfection, and I'd happily watch him shirtless just posing really nice. And Russell Crowe is great value for money eating the scenery with a delightfully OTT performance, and giving everyone else a master class in how to steal a scene. Cos everyone else looks as uncomfortable as a first timer in an Am-Dram production of Les Mis.

Apart from that, this is an middling film, it's okay, it's a trifle too long. Plus there's no post credit sting. 

A disappointing but not hateful 5/10

#75: IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME! And once again, one of my favourite films of all-time is released at the cinema and so once again I've decided to reprint my previous review. 

Starring James Stewart, Donnna Reed, Lionel Barrymore, Thomas Mitchell, henry Travers, Beulah Bondi, Ward Bond, Frank Faylen and Gloria Grahame. Written by Fracnes Goodrich, Albert Hackett, Frank Capra and Joe Swerling. Directed by Frank Capra. Budget $3.5 million. Running time 131 minutes.

A one word review - Wonderful!

Just wonderful. Beautifully written, great direction and a superb performance by James Stewart. I just love this film. It's one of my five favourite Christmas movies along with A Christmas Story, Scrooge (1951) and Bad Santa and Die Hard.

Produced and directed by Frank Capra, it always amazes me to realise that on its release this film flopped, and only became a Christmas staple when first shown on American TVs in the 50s.

Seeing this restored version of IAWL on the big screen means you get to see things you probably missed if you've only watched it on a TV, count how many rooms the drawing of George lassoing the moon turns up for example, or better yet see if you can spot the newspaper headline declaring that 'Mr. Smith has won a nomination to go to Washington'.

Stewart is brilliant as George Bailey, the richest man in town. He portrays Bailey from the age of approximately 20 to late 40s and without the need for elaborate make up. He is the prototype Tom Hanks and it's on his performance that the whole film swings. That's to take nothing away from the supporting cast, lead by the Donna Reed, who all give this film its huge heart and character.

The story sees George Bailey, a man who sacrifices his own dreams and ambitions for the greater good of Bedford Falls, who when, through no fault of his own, faces financial ruin and imprisonment decides to kill himself. He is saved by a trainee angel who grants him his wish of never having been born and discovers just how much his life has touched the lives of so many others.

For a film that's nearly 75 years old to be this captivating, this engrossing and this magical is a pure triumph. As a callow art school youth I scoffed at this and Singing in the Rain, believing them to be old and fuddy-duddy, despite the fact I'd never actually watched them. And in both cases I stumbled across them whilst watching tv, I came in half-way through in both cases and was captivated by both and I love them to this day.

This film lifts my spirit and makes me feel deeply moved and I bloody love it without reserve.

The perfect Christmas movie and one of my actual Top Ten Movies of all times.

10/10 

#74: CONCLAVE

 

STARRING: Ralph Fiennes, Stanley Tucci, Johyn Lithgow, Sergio Castellitto and Isabella Rossellini. Screenplay by Peter Straughan, based on the novel by Robert Harris. Directed by Edward Berger. Budget $20 million. Running time 120 minutes.

When the old pope dies of a heart attack the Cardinals gather at the Vatican for a papal conclave to pick the next Holy Father under the watchful eye of Cardinal Dean Lawrence (Ralph Fiennes) who's put in place to manage the whole thing. There's main four men in the running, American liberal Cardinal Bellini (Stanley Tucci), Canadian moderate Cardinal Tremblay (John Lithgow), right-wing Italian Cardinal Tedesco (Sergio Castellitto) and conservative Nigerian Cardinal Adeyemi (Lucian Msamati) and added to that are Lawrence himself and a newbie Cardinal Cincent Benitez. What follows is a behind the scenes power struggle, which ignoring all Hollywood excesses, features no sinister deadly assassins bumping off people, no car chases, no roof-top chases, no hot nun–on-nun action and no final fight between Cardinal Dean Lawrence and an albino killer trying to protect the truth. 

Instead it's a beautifully nuanced and sedate drama as Cardinal Lawrence tries to manage the conclave whilst dealing with a series of dramas and rumours that threaten to prove somewhat problematic.

The trailer, as trailers do, paint this as a dramatic, and sinister conspiracy thriller, and while there is intrigue and a truth to be revealed, it's not a rip-roaring action packed drama. It's the sort of film where the ultimate pay off is surprising and satisfying, but the journey is what makes it worthwhile, subtle and mannered. 

This is a beautiful looking film, the locations and sets help ground this perfectly. The performances, particularly by Fiennes whose film this is, are superb and each of the four main contestants for the papal post bring real depth and are all excellent. The truth at the core of the film is an intriguing one and the political machinations of the four would-be popes is expertly handled. But it's the glimpse behind the scenes of the life of devoutly religious men and women that makes this such an entertaining film. Once you realise there won't be sinister papal assassins, or sexy nuns, or murder or conspiracies that threaten the whole world, and you settle into ebb and flow of Vatican life you should find yourself caught up in the subtle intrigue that threads through the whole thing and leaves you wondering at the end at all all that has unraveled. 

To be honest, I really can't fault this, it's the sort of film I find myself gravitating to and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

8/10   

#73: WICKED

 

STARRING: Cynthia Erivo, Ariana Grande-Butera, Jonathan Bailey, Ethan Slater, Michelle Yeoh, Jeff Goldblum. Screenplay by Winnie Holzman and Dana Fox, based on Wicked by Stephen Schwartz and the 'book' Wicked by Winnie Holzman. Directed by Jon M. Chu. Budget $150 million. Running time 160 minutes. 

In a nutshell, it's the origin story and sequel to the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz, which in itself was based on a book written in 1900 by L. Frank Baum.

Starting moments after the terrible workplace injury witnessed at the end of TWOO that saw the so-called 'Wicked Witch of the East' killed by a bucket of water, thus breaking the unbroken 'days since last injury' record. This film fills in all the blanks everyone has been crying out for since the day after Baum's book first went on sale, namely, 'what's the Wicked Witches' origin story?

Well, apparently she was Elphaba Thropp (Cynthia Erivo) a green-skinned woman born as the result of an illicit affair between her mother and the Wizard of Oz and she had an unloved, childhood where she was ostracised by everyone because of the colour of her skin. Anyway she goes off to the Shiz University of Sorcery where she becomes roomies with Galinda (Ariana Grande-Latte) and much singing and dancing ensues. There she unlocks her latent magical potential, thanks to the administrations of Madame Morrible (Michelle Yeoh), the Dean of the University and is sent off to the Emerald City to meet the wonderful Wizard of Oz (Jeff Goldblum), and hopefully get granted her heart's desire, to no longer be green.

It's a long film, M-O-O-N spells looooonnnngg. Two hours and 40 minutes long, a film just five minutes shorter than the original stage musical, that a film that only manages to tell half the story of musical. My advice, set your phone for one hour and forty and go to sleep, cause it's all build up and utterly pointless with vague secondary plots about talking animals and the mild bullying and lots of emoting. 

It's only once this film finally arrives in the Emerald City via a stunning green train that this film explodes into glorious and wonderful life. The art direction is simply stunning from the amazing exteriors to the inner workings of the Wizard's lair and the genuinely staggering scale of the Emerald City.

Whether you love or like this film, depends on how much you like musicals, because make no mistake, this is a full-blown, 110% musical writ large. Although that said, it's also a film with only one song, a song that starts at the very beginning and goes on non-stop to the films final frame, or at least that what it sounds like, because for the life of me I couldn't name you a single individual song or even hum a melody.

The performances from the two leads was also delightful, Erivo brings the depth and emotion while Grande-Latte brings some impressive star power. Everybody in this film gives it their all, all adding to create a spectacular fabulous experience that it would be churlish to slag off, and while this film wasn't for me I still can't deny that as far as musical theatre and performance goes this was an impressively mounted, entertaining and fabulously flamboyant experience. Although I doubt I'll be back for more, like all the best deserts this was just far too sugary and sweet for me. 

8/10

#71: BACK TO THE FUTURE II

Starring Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson and Thomas F. Wilson. Written by Bob Gale, story by Robert Aemeckis and Bob Gale. Directed by Robert Zemeckis. Budget $40 million. Running time 108 minutes. Originally released in 1989. 

Marty McFly and girlfriend, Jennifer Parker get whisked back to the future by Doc Emmet Brown to save their future and in doing so drastically change the future and force our intrepid heroes to embark on a relentless, break-neck-speed frantic adventure that never stops for a single second until the fantastic cliffhanger ending and the glimpse of part three!

Bloody hell! What a ride, filled to the brim with incident and action, They sure don't make films like this any more. Filled with amazing attention to detail, action, and some brilliant characters and action this film flits from 1985 to 2015, then back to a dystopic 1985 before a return to 1955 at such a pace you're left dizzy and battered. Of the three, this is my least favourite, I much prefer the third chapter to this, but you can't fault its ambition, scope or skill. Zemeckis directs with fantastic verve and the performances from everyone are fantastic, perhaps none more so than Thomas F. Wilson who plays four versions of the same character with real skill, giving each initiation of Griff a real believability. 

Sure the effects are a little ropey by today's standards, but the brilliant use of split screens are superb. And the brisk, tightly plotted 108 minute running time flashes by expertly.

Thoroughly enjoyable and massively entertaining, if just a little too relentless, loud, and a tad too mean spirited, but as ever great to see it back on the big screen and that as always elevates these films wonderfully. 

9/10

#72: GLAD HE ATE HER TOO

 

GLAD HE ATE HER TOO!

Starring: Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal, Joseph Quinn, Fred Hechinger, Denzel Washington, Connie Nielsen, Derek Jacobi, Lior Raz, Tim Mcinnery and Matt Lucas. Written by David Scarpa, based on a story by Peter Creaig and David Scarpa featuring characters created by David Franzoni. Directed by Ridley Scott. Budget $310 million dollars, running time 148 minutes long. 

Hot on the heels of the original arrives, just 25 years later, this – Glad He Ate Her Too, the continuing adventures of a different gladiator caught up in the same shit twice. The story sees human vaccum, Paul Mescal (who?) valiantly trying to fill the sandals of Russell Crowe and failing spectacularly as he loses a war against a Roman fleet lead by Pedro Pascal, gets captured, then sent to fight in arenas until his success sees him transported to Rome to fight for the pleasure of not one, but two emperors (Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger), both whom are clearly on the looney spectrum and make Caligula look like a primary school teacher. 

ANYWAY Mecal, waddles from one fight after another which promise much but delivers little. We learn that incredibly he's a survivor from the first film (not the only one, there are two others, Connie Nielsen and Derek Jacobi) and he becomes the pawn in their political manoeuvring. By a weird state of affairs, there's an army camped just outside Rome waiting for a leader to bring revolution to the city of Rome, just like in the first film. However this time we have the added value of Denzel Washington who's also not playing by the rules and he's rather keen on ruling the whole ruddy edifice and he doesn't care whose carcass he needs to climb over to achieve it. Then add to that melting pot the following: occassional stabby stabby in the arena, poe faced English actors machinating politically, earnest looking gladiators waiting to die for your pleasure, and loads of hilarious historically anachronistic moments including Romans reading newspapers while drinking coffees, playing football with goal posts, and using mobile phones to book Ubers.

I've been looking forward to this and was getting very excited, it's not often the most expensive film ever made (up to this point) arrives at the box office and I was eager to see it. This film cost $310 million to make and that's a conservative estimate. 'They' say that with promotion, and marketing you can double the budget, so that $310 now becomes $620 and 'They' also say that for a film to make a profit it needs to double that number, so Glad He Ate her Too will need to make $1.4 billion just to break even. Good luck.

It's a spectacularly mounted film, as ever expertly directed by Ridley 'I'm 86' Scott, and looking glorious thanks to fantastic life-size sets and CGI, the cast mostly excel with Denzel and Pedro taking the joint crown for MVP, while some feel tragically wasted (Derek Jacobi) others shine in small roles (Matt Lucas). Scott yet again shepherds the epic scope with consummate skill, and it's not really his fault that this film just doesn't quite fly, sure it gets up to take off speed, and once or twice the wheels momentarily leave the ground but then the sheer weight of the whole thing causes this massive beast to bounce back to the ground, and the sad fact is that Paul Mescal just does not have the same power or presence as Crowe to make this film soar like the original, and despite the added bulk, he looks more like a slightly petulant school boy, rather than a battle-hardened Roman general of Crowe and his motivation for revenge - his wife is killed in combat in front of him, doesn't carry the same seeds of revenge as Maximus Meridius watching the burned corpses of this beloved wife and son hanging from the gutted ruins of his estate having been murdered on the orders of a ruthless emperor. 

Similarly call me old-fashioned but when a film comes along called Gladiator II I kinda want to see some spectacular arena action, you know like what was hinted at in the trailer, and not when you finally get to one of three scenes of action discover it's all over before you have time to wedge a single fist-full of popcorn in to your gapping maw. Cos it's time for more political machinations and intrigue. 

It's a cruel twist of fate that the most interesting character in this whole thing, Pedro Pascal, doesn't get more screen time, cos he's fantastic. And Denzel who chews up the scenery like a pro brings some great menace and intrigue to the role, while Tim McInnerny delivers another perfectly slimly character in the guise of Senator Thraex.

This is by no means a bad film, it just felt a little un-engaging, it never grips like the original, the political intrigue feels shoe-horned in, it doesn't feel as epic, sure there's spectacle but I wanted more action, or at least I wanted the action hinted at to be longer. This is a fantastically good-looking film, made more so by the fact Ridley directed this whole thing in 52 days! 

I wanted to love this, I really did, but sadly it fizzled rather than banged and by the end, when it finally rolls to a stop, I found myself somewhat bored and a little deflated. And unlike the first, I was not entirely entertained. 

7/10

#70: CARRIE

 

STARRING: Sissy Spacek, John Travolta, Nancy Allen, Amy Irving and Piper Laurie. Screenplay by Lawrence D. Cohen and based on the book by Stephen King. Directed by Brian De Palma. Budget $1.8 million dollars. Running time 98 minutes. Originally released in 1976.

Carrie (Sissy Spacek) is a painfully shy 16 year-old loner who lives with her bible-bashing, religiously fanatical and clearly psychotic mother, Margaret (Piper Laurie). When Carrie experiences her first period whilst at school it triggers not only the awaking of her burgeoning telekinetic powers but also a series of events that will lead to an explosive showdown at the school prom and a bucket of pig's blood. 

Bloody hell, this is a fantastic horror film and features one of the greatest jump scares of all time, indeed it's so good it was selected for preservation in the Library of Congress for being culturally, historically or aesthetically significant.

First time I've ever seen this on the big screen. It's a fast film, 98 minutes, so there's no room for the subtlety of Stephen King's book but what we're left with is a masterclass in building tension and atmosphere. De Palma directs with power and consummate skill and the music helps to create a sense of building and impending doom, Sissy Spacek has never been better, staggeringly beautiful and genuinely intimidating, especially once her powers have manifested, it's fascinating to see that Carrie isn't a victim in the true sense of the word, once her powers begin to emerge, Carrie becomes a stronger character and there's that tragic realisation that if only the Prom that creates her had played out differently it would also have saved her. 

The whole cast is great too, Piper Laurie is deeply unsettling as Carrie's horrific mother and yet when we get a glimpse of her back story we feel empathy for her.  The final act of this film, as Carrie returns home to confront her mother is powerful and tragic in equal measure.

Similarly, John Travolta relationship with Nancy Allen is fascinating and the casual physical abuse and cunning manipulation displayed by both characters cleverly hints at a deeply nuanced world. And her control of her thuggish, stupid boyfriend and her friends show her to be the true villain of the piece.  

A power house performance and film, so deeply satisfying. 

10/10

#69: THE APPRENTICE

STARRING: Sebastian Stan, Jeremy Strong, Maria Bakalova and Martin Donovan. Written by Gabriel Sherman, directed by Ali Abbasi, cinematography Kasper Tuxen. Budget $16 million. Running time 123 minutes.

It's 1973 and dough-eyed and dough-bodied, mummy's boy Donnie Trump (Sebastian Stan) spends his days engaged in shaking down his slum tenants for overdue rent on behalf of his bullying, over-bearing oaf of a father, Fred (Martin Donovan). But secretly dreams of building the bestest and biggest ever building in the whole of Manhattan with his name emblazoned on it in the vain hope his father will finally acknowledge him and tell him he loves him. When he meets the legendary attorney Roy Cohn (Jeremy Strong) in an exclusive club his dreams start to come true, as the two men become friends, Cohn schools Donnie in the art of the deal and helps him to shed those last irritating shreds of decency and humanity all in the name of greed, gluttony and obscene wealth. 

The film follows the appalling rise and rise and rise of Donald Trump, the worst American President in history, a man of such consummate self-belief and avarice that he somehow made it seem like a virtue.

I often find myself during lunch times watching boat fail videos on Youtube, or compilations of rally car or super-car crashes, there's something both fascinating and horrifying about them and yet you can't look away. The same can be said of this, featuring as it does a man so repellent and despicable that you can never take your eyes off him, even as he raping his wife, paying off his suicidal brother, having sex with sex workers, or lying, cheating and clawing his way over everyone to slime his way to the top. You can't help but watch transfixed by the sight of a young Donnie Trump as he bloats his way through NY circa 1970-1980.

Of the film itself, well Sebastian Stan is simply superb and proves in both this and A Different Man to be an actor of great skill and depth. But it's Jeremy Strong who has to be seen to be believed, bringing a horrific malevolence and diabolical energy to his portrayal of  Roy Cohn making him one of the scariest movie villains of all times, like a human shark and yet at the same time imbue-ding him with a sense of fragility, particularly as his health declines. Similarly the look and direction of this aren't flashy or gimmicky, allowing the characters to shine and boy do they shine. 

The cinematography by Kasper Tuxen is perfect capturing the era with a grainy light effect and making it feel as if it was shot in the 70s, the production design too is impressive and the use of vintage footage. 

As the film progresses we see the birth of Donnie's many mannerisms and physical ticks that Stan captures with subtlety, we also see the birth of a friendship between Donnie and Cohn that grows to become all consuming and we see how true the old saying power corrupts as Donnie sheds the last semblance of humanity as his greed takes over completely. 

This is a film you can't take your eyes off, it's horribly compelling and deeply unsettling and perfectly displays the birth of a real life supervillain. 

8/10

#68: SALEM'S LOT

STARRING: Lewis Pullman, Makenzie Leigh, Alfre Woodard, John Benjamin Hickey, Bill Camp. Written and directed by Gary Dauberman. Running time 113 minutes.

Writer Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman) returns to his childhood town of Jerusalem's Lot to research something or other to do with his parents who died when he was a child in a car crash and a creepy old house that over looks the town owned by the mysterious Mr Straker and a man called Barlow, who own the local antique shop. Then people start going missing and no one seems to care, whole families die, but no one investigates. Then Ben sort of finds out vampires are responsible and so puts together a team of vampire hunters that includes his girlfriend (Makenzie Leigh), the only attractive young woman in the town, a school teacher (Bill Camp) a child soldier (Jordan Preston) and the town doctor (Alfre Woodard) who only have 5 minutes of each day to try and stop the vampire menace before you know shade occurs due to the setting sun. Then the film limps to a showdown so dull and boring that you feel as if your own will to live has been drained from your body. 

Filled with characters doing stupid things regardless of the evidence presented to them, where our heroes split up with just 5 minutes to go till sundown, where kills happen off camera, and events aren't so much telegraphed but actually high-lighted by huge neon signs that flash 'this is important for later'.

Look, I can't be arsed to rant about this pathetic piece of shit poor excuse for a movie, it's shit. Lazy, boring, and horribly bland. There's no depth to it and all the glorious world building of Stephen King's book is dumped for a series of pathetic jump scares that don't jump and don't scare. It's all filmed with energy saving low wattage bulbs and features a group of characters who are so staggeringly stupid that they deserve to die at the hands of vampires. 

The ending, or showdown when it finally rolls slowly round the corner is so obvious I guessed not just the location of the vampire horde, but how the young boy soldier would kill all of the vampires in one go. And then the final boss battle is over so quickly you're left surprised assuming there's something more to come, but thank the fucking lord there isn't and you can escape back into the light.

Everytime 'they' remake a Stephen King movie they get it wrong, Firestarter, Carrie, Pet Semetary spring to mind. How anyone can get this so wrong is very sad, the 1980s TV mini-series with David Soul and James Mason is infinitely superior and I urge you to watch that over this pile of steaming, excrement.

Truly this is one of the worst films I've seen all year and has nothing to recommend it. It's one of those films that so bad, it's bad, and not bad in a good way, but bad in the way that freshly trodden on meat-heavy dog shit can smell bad, bad. 

2/10  

#67: JOKER: FOLIE à DEUX

STARRING: Joaquin Phoenix, Lady Gaga, Brendan Gleeson, Catherine Keener, Zazie Beetz, Steve Coogan, Harry Lawtey and Leigh Gill. Written by Scott Silver and Todd Phillips, directed by Todd Phillips. Budget $200 million. Running time 138 minutes.

The plot sees a heavy withdrawn and depressed Arthur Fleck an inmate at Arkham State Hospital awaiting his day in court for the crimes he committed two years earlier in the first film, Joker, where he killed six people, including executing Murray Franklin (Robert DeNiro) on live TV. His lawyer, Maryanne Stewart (Catherin Keener) is doing her damndest to help him and determined to show that Arthur suffers from dissociative identity disorder and not responsible for his actions. Jackie Sullivan (Brendan Gleeson) a prison guard who tries to help Arthur for his good behaviour enrols him in some music therapy where he meets uber Joker fan, Harleen 'Lee' Quinzel (Lady Gaga) and a romance begins. She re-ignites his joie de vie. The court case begins with Harvey Dent leading the prosecution and Joker begins to come back, however, Arthur sacks his lawyer and defends himself leading to an explosive closing statement that sees Arthur admit the truth. He returns to Arkham and his destiny.

This starts with a wonderful animated sequence in the style of an old Loony Tunes cartoon expertly animated and directed by Sylvain Chomet, the French genius behind the truly wonderful Triplets of Belleville. In the short, Joker is tormented by his own shadow who ends up getting Arthur arrested. Having read all the reviews and talked to people who'd been to see this I went in expecting to watch a two hour 20 minute, $200 million train wreck. 

My expectations were extremely low, I mean I hated 2019's Joker, I mean HATED it, nihilistic, miserbale and deeply depressing. I'd heard how badly it had done box office wise not even making $40 million on its opening weekend, and the fact it had the lowest score for any superhero film and I was sold. I saw it at 11:00am on a cold Sunday with my daughter in tow, her too expecting a trainwreck.

How wrong we were!

The film starts with the animated sequence, which was wonderful, and I wondered when it would start going down hill and it didn't, the introduction of Harley Quinn arrived and that too didn't suck, much has been said about the fact that this was nothing but a musical and so I thought that when the songs started I would begin to hate it, but I didn't, I heard that the court room drama was dragged out and boring, and although it did slow the film down it didn't suck and then I heard that the ending had left audiences losing their collective minds in rage and shock, but if you'd watched the film, you knew what was coming and when it did, I was delighted by it's guts. Critics have moaned that Lady Gaga isn't used enough, and to that I would agree but would say this film is about Joker and she was never going to be more than a co-star. 

Gritty, moody, mean, edgy and at times touching and poignant, Joaquin Phoenix is superb, Lady Gaga is committed and excellent, Brendan Gleeson, who offers the only glimpse of hope is superb, the direction by Todd Phillips is divine and the cinematography by Lawrence Sher is gorgeous. The film dips in and out of Arthur's imagination with glimpses of a TV special featuring him and Quinn where the sing and dance, and the musical numbers which never feel jarring or out of place add real depth and emotion to the film, there's a hearbreaking sequence where Arthur sings a message to Quinn which she listens to on her answer phone machine. 

Honestly I was captivated by this film, was swept up by heart, and the doomed romance at its centre, by the journey of Arthur as he struggles with his Joker duality, and the shocking ending perfectly fitted the tone and shape of this film. 

It's been postulated that Todd Phillips and Joaquin Phoenix had no desire to make a sequel and went out of their way to destroy the legend of the two Oscar winning, Billion dollar box office Joker. A film that cost 'just' $60 million to make, a third of what this did. But up there on the big screen is no sign of loathing, no sign of two men sabotaging their legacy, to me it seems like a genuine attempt to do something more, something new with the film and would make it shine and for me it more than shined, it exploded like a supernova!

Fantastic performances, wonderful songs and a film that shrugged off the usual superhero guff to deliver a film that in time will be seen as a classic, if there's justice in this world.

8/10 

#66: GLADIATOR

STARRING: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Connie Nielsen, Oliver Reed, Derek Jacobi, Djimon Hounsou and Richard Harris. Written by David Franzoni, John Logan and William Nicholson. Directed by Ridley Scott. Budget $103 million. Running time 155 minutes. First released in 2000.

It's 180AD, and Russell Crowe is Roman general Maximus Decimus Meridius, Rome's bestest general -E-VER! and he's only gone and beat Rome's last enemy, the Germanic tribes, on behalf of his boss, surrogate father, and emperor, Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris). To reward his adoptive son, Marcus offers him the job of Caeser much to the chagrin of his real son, Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix) who up and kills his father and usurps the throne before Maxie has time to take up the post, then tries to have him killed. Badly wounded, Maximus escapes to find his family slaughtered and himself captured and sold into slavery to a gladiator school run by Oliver Reed's Proximo. From then on, Maximus, masquerading as the Spaniard, hacks and slashes his way to fame and glory and back to Rome to lead an uprising against Commodus in the Colosseum.

Bloody hell! What a year for re-issues at the cinema! Films I never thought I'd ever see back up on the big screen and this is one of them. Still as fresh as it was 24 years ago. I've watched this many times at home on DVD and Blu-Ray, but once again, it's only when it's back up on the big screen that it truly comes back to life. At home, your mind wanders, you pause for coffee and bog breaks, you might even stop to go and do something else, or worse yet pause it, to finish it off another time. But not so when you're sat in the biggest screen in your local cinema where you find yourself immersed in a film that fills your peripheral vision to such an extent that you forget you're in a cinema.

What a spectacle! I'd come to this after rewatching the classic Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and Rex Harrison, so I was well up for another dose of Roman epicness and boy does this deliver. Powerfully acted by Harris, Reed, Phoenix and Russell, who's perhaps only ever been better in La Confidential. Under Ridley Scott's expert direction this film looks the part and apart from the odd bit of dodgy CGI it's a visual masterpiece. The fights in the Colosseum are spectacular, savage, brutal and gory, the big location sets feel real filled with hordes of people that look and move so convincingly you can almost smell the stench of old Rome. 

The story is full-blown epic, and looks like the 103 million dollars it cost to make, but the money looks like it's been spent up there on the big screen. 

This was a deeply satisfying, and glorious romp and I loved every second. Roll on part 2!

10/10

#65: A DIFFERENT MAN

 

Starring Sebastian Stan, Renate Reinsve and Adam Pearson. Written and directed by Aaron Schimberg. Running time 112 minutes.

When Edward Lemuel (Sebastian Stan) a painfully shy and socially awkward struggling actor with a face horribly disfigured with neurofiromatosis is giving a miracle cure that cures him overnight of his hideous visage and turns him into Sebastian Stan he does what anyone would do. He tells everyone that Edward is dead and embarks on a new life, as his own cousin called Guy, then quickly becomes a successful real-estate brooker. The trouble is that he soon begins to find life as a handsome man almost as difficult as being hideous, and when his old next-door neighbour, writer Ingrid (Renate Reinsve) writes an Off-Broadway play about the old him called Edward, his grip on reality begins to slip, especially when he wins an audition to play himself in the play and then becomes friends with a young British man called Oswald who also has Neurofiromatosis. And then begins a relationship with Ingrid, one he couldn't do when he was Edward. From then on things start getting really crazy as life, as Guy/Edward knows it spirals out of his control leading to a confrontation during a perfomance of Edward that is crushingly funny that in turns leads us to an ending that's both sad, poignant and funny.

A very hard film to synopsis and do justice to, this is a terrific film, very funny, blackly so and featuring some excellent acting from the three main leads, Stan, Reinsve and Pearson. It's by turns, sad, touching, profound and very funny and I loved it! The ideas behind it are brilliant handled, Guy's difficulty in seeing Oswald easily interact and befriend people with a face far more disfigured than his own was is fascinating and Sebastain Shaw, a man known for playing Bucky in the MCU is exceptionally good in the film bringing an awkwardness and despair to the role. Adam Pearson in what is only is second film is fantastically good and makes Oswald a brilliantly loud and over top character with no guile. Similarly, Renate Reinsve as Ingrid, Edward's next-door-neighbour is wonderful as the young confident author growing stronger with each encounter. The three relationships as they intertwine are superbly explored and this film never lags or disappoints.   

Well directed by Aaron Schimberg who also wrote this stunning film, A Different Man is a unique, brilliant, funny and highly entertaining little movie and I urge you to see it! You'll not have see anything quite like it before.

9/10

#64: RETURN OF THE JEDI

 Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, Phil Daniels, David Prowse, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew and Frank Oz. Script by Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas, from a story by George Lucas. Produced by Howard Kazanjian, music by John Williams directed by Richard Marquand. Running time 132 minutes. 

The concluding chapter in the original Star Wars trilogy arrived three years after Empire into a world that was Star Wars obsessed, and its haul at the boxoffice set a record that wouldn't be beaten until the arrival of Avengers: End Game in 2019.

This time round, Lucas (creatively spent) embraced the maxim, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." and elected not to come up with something new but just to remake Star Wars and change some of the locations. It was so successful that Disney used the same technique with 2015's Star Wars: The Farce Awakens.

This time round, Luke, who has grown up to become a 'self-identifying', self-taught Jedi knight armed with his kit-built part-works light sabre, embarks on the most ridiculous rescue mission in the history of anything by giving away all his worldly goods (two third-hand droids), getting his sister kidnapped, his best friend's best friend arrested and handing himself over to the galaxy's worst gangster in multi-staged mission that needs everyone involved to be captured and delivered to a location in the middle of the desert to work. After that, Luke remembers he's left a vulnerable old man alone in a run-down, damp-ridden hovel with no food or fuel after promising he'd be back and races off to make sure he can't be accused of elder abuse by social services. Meanwhile, his dad is suffering some serious work-place bullying from his boss and is forced to try and recruit his own son into the business. 

To achieve this, the Empire decides to bankrupt itself by building a second Death Star (because the first one was so successful) and advertising the event in the hope that the ever dwindling Rebel Reliance will send its entire fleet, numbering in the 10s of ships to attack the battle station. However the Empire isn't stupid and does away the single exhaust port weak-spot and instead builds a remote shield generator on a planet ruled by teddy-bears so stupid they build huge bon-fires in the tree-top cities of wooden huts and bark ropes.

Anyway, Luke ignores all advice and visits his dad at work and ends up helping to kill not one but two more old men and then secretly burning their bodies in an attempt to destroy evidence, which takes his body count of old men to four. Jesus, Luke really hates the elderly. 

And that's the plot, sort of. 

By the time this came out I was 20 years old, at art college and still dazed by the awesomeness of The Thing, Blade Runner, Wrath of Khan and Megaforce that had come out the previous year and thought that Star Wars now seemed lame-o in comparison.

Over the years I rewatched it countless times and seen it at the cinema each time it's re-released. Of the three Star Wars films it's the most skillful in terms of the special effects, it's bloody well directed by Marquand and the action is deeply impressive, however the writing is weaker, Han Solo has become a shadow of his former impressiveness and at times comes across as a petulant teenager, particularly when chastely snogging Leia or leading a band of generic red coats, sorry green coats, on a mission to take out the field generator. (hey, doesn't he do the same thing in The Farce Awakens, wow, talk about de-ja-vu). And Luke just doesn't cut the mustard as a wise old Jedi master, judging by this film all it takes is a few lame mind tricks and the ability to get your ass handed to you in every fight, and his attempts at wisdom and leadership comes across as delusion.

Anyway, it's still a satisfying conclusion to these first three films and let's face it everything else that came after it pales into insignificance. I never would have believed that I'd reach an age where the news of yet another spin-off TV show, or block-buster film set in a galaxy far far away would leave me, not giddy with excitement, but world-weary with grim foreboding. If only Lucas had left well enough alone.

Anyhoo, it's done! Next up the sequels, I bet they stand the test of time!

8/10

#63: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, Phil Daniels, David Prowse, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew and Frank Oz. Script by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, from a story by George Lucas. Produced by Gary Kurtz, music by John Williams directed by Irvin Kershner. Running time 124 minutes. 

Of the three original Star Wars films this one is the least mucked about with by Lucas in his 'Special Edition' phase, and beyond the odd added window in the cloud city, the occassional establishing shots, oh and the Bantha in his cave it's pretty much how Kershner made it and it's all the better because of it. Kershner does a damn good job in the director seat and brings a great sense of energy to this outing. First released in 1980 to mixed reviews it's gone on to grow in stature. 

The story, as if you need telling sees teenager emo Luke Skywalker run away to join a cult run by a creepy, smelly, old hermit on a swamp planet, while deadbeat people trafficker and drug runner  Han Solo tries to get it on with an entitled spoilt princess by conveniently stalling his space ship in an asteroid so he can make out with her. Meanwhile, Luke's dad, a single parent working three jobs just to make ends meet tries to build bridges with his wayward son on the most awkward 'bring your child to work' day in history!

The standout character is Yoda, a brilliant piece of Frank Oz puppetry that never looks out of place, you accept him almost instantly and the amount of emotion that Frank puts into his performance is outstanding and proves once and for all that practical is best! Seriously, Oz was his generations "There but the grace of God go I." Andy Serkis. 

The world building in this outing is as strong as Star Wars with new characters and locations introduced with flair, confidence and skill.

Of the three, this is my favourite in terms of story, it's fast relentless and doesn't let up for a minute, you can see the special effects getting better and this one blends stop-motion with matte paintings, models and ILM magic perfectly. The performances are good to, with each actor seeming to be far more comfortable in their roles. And once again the film follows a cake trail of plot points in a way that feels organic and not forced. 

When this first came out I hated the cliffhanger aspect, I was young and wanted a conclusion. However it's wonderfulness soon dawned on me and of the three it's the one I've seen the most. Star Wars beats it hands down in the originality stakes, but this is by far the most satisfying Star Wars outing. 

10/10

#62: MEGAPOOPISS

STARRING: Adam Driver, Nathalie Emmanuel, Giancarlo Esposito, Aubrey Plaza, Shia LaBeouf, Jon Voight, Laurence Fishburne, Kathryn Hunter, Dustin Hoffman and Jason Schwartzman. Written, produced and directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Budget $120 million. Running time 138 years.

Set in the American Republic of New Rome City (imagine an alternative to New York City but with people who act like Romans from a 1950's Hollywood Roman Sword and Sandal adventure). Adam Driver is Cesar Catilina, an architect, with the ability to stop time, who has visions of building Utopia in the slums of New York using a new substance called Megalon, which seems to be an organic self-replicating 'smart' cement. He's in open conflict with Mayor Franklyn Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito), who wants to build a casino on the very same site as Cesar's dream city, Oh, and Cesar's in love with Franklyn's daughter, Julia (Nathalie Emmanuel). Meanwhile, Cesar's ex-girlfriend Wow Platinum (Aubrey Plaza) has her eyes on Cesar's uber-rich uncle and banker, Hamilton Crassus III (Jon Voight), and teams up with Clodio Pulcher (Shia LaBeouf), Cesar's jealous cousin to try and take over Crassus's bank in an attempt to bankrupt Cesar. Along for the ride are characters like Nush Berman (Dustin Hoffman), Aram Kazanjian (Balthazar Getty), Fundi Romaine (Laurence Fishburne), Cesar's right-hand man and narrator of this film, Jason Schwartzman, Talia Shire (Cesar's mother), and about a hundred other people.

And that, in a nutshell is the plot to this, Francis Ford Coppola's 24th and quite possibly last ever film and what a film to end a career on, a career that includes some of the greatest movies ever made, movies like The Godfather I, II & III, The Conversation, Apocalypse Now. The Outsiders, Rumblefish, Tucker and Bram Stoker's Dracula. 

Of which none of those, rest assured, will ever been mentioned in the same breathe as this effort. From beginning to end this is a dreadful, dreary, dull mess of a film, with strangely stilted awkward dialogue, OTT acting and all the visual flair of a car advert. 

The combination of old Rome and later day New York is an interesting idea, but jars badly here, it doesn't go far enough, because there's just too much story and way too many characters to cram into this bloated drivel. The lame, almost pantomime-esque machinations and palace intrigue that passes for drama is laughable and it's all delivered in such an OTT manner by everyone involved that it just becomes a clumsy farce. 

Added to that the editing which chops up dialogue so badly that at times it seems unclear what emotions some of the characters are trying to convey, as the scene changes during exchanges. Oh and some not very subtle digs at a certain Presidential hopeful.

The idea of a visionary new building material and building Utopia is an intriguing premise but this film takes so long with guff about boring relationships with wives, ex-wives and girlfriends, dead wives, mothers, cousins, uncles etc that all that gets forgotten until the final 30 odd minutes finally drags itself into view then it's a slow walk to the finishing line. 

All that said, there is one intriguing idea which is hinted at but poorly devloped. At one point Cesar is almost killed in an assassination attempt and Megalon is used to fill the hole in his head the bullet made. But that's all but forgotten come the next scene. 

There are so many great actors in this, all giving it 150% when 80% would have been fine that it seems churlish to single out any single one of them to point a finger of blame at, although Shia LaBeouf comes pretty goddam close. However, the true architect of this film's utter awfulness is Coppola himself, who sank $120 million of his own money into this effort, which has taken him 40 years to realise. God, imagine spending all that money and so much of your life on one project only for it to arrive at the end like a huge pile of steaming dung.

A long, boring, exploration of something or other that's really not worth a moment of your time and certainly not 40 years of your life. 

2/10 

 

#61: STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

 

STARRING: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness, Peter Cushing, Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels, and that bloke you always see at comic conventions who played third storm trooper from the left. Written and directed by George Lucas, produced by Gary Kurtz, music by John Williams. Budget $11 million. Running time 121 minutes.

Set in a galaxy far, far away, a long time ago. This sees a snot-nosed kid run away from his home with a strange old man, get involved with a drug smuggler, snog his sister and kill tens of thousands of people just so he can win a Jim'll Fix it Badge.

It's the film that changed the shape of cinema for all-time, created a whole new genre, spawned a million knockoffs, and birthed the modern era of special effects. After this cinema would never be the same again. Indeed, it must be considered to be one of the most significant movie ever made. During its life I've both loved and hated it in equal measure. Obviously I'll never get to watch the original un-tinkered version on the big screen again but the last time I saw this, the digital remastered version, was back in 1997. 

So, how does it far...  

What a delight, simple, well structured and charming. Sure it's slow in comparison to modern films and it's a tad clunky in the plot department, but boy is it special. Trying to remember what it was like first seeing it, and how original it seemed back then. Even with the wretched added CGI extras, which have dated very badly, indeed they've dated worse than the original analogue effects this is still a delight to rewatch. Shame Georgie Boy couldn't leave it alone. That said, boy was this print crisp, you could see every blemish, every bit of sticky back plastic and just how crappy Darth Vader's helmet is. 

It's great to see this on the big screen again and to see the likes of Peter Cushing and Alex Guinness acting, what a shame they didn't share a scene. The first arrival of Vader is amazing and what a delight to match the actors line-for-line with the dialogue. The structure is terrific as each of the main characters are introduced, there's a sense of the vastness of the galaxy these people inhabit, but it's also funny to rewatch all those plot holes that he'd have to navigate around in the later instalments. Visually, Star Wars is deeply impressive, big practical sets, or a well done matte painting and little twinkling lights, the hanger and interiors of the Death Star with the Millennium Falcon are amazing. Likewise, clever use of locations hark back to the good old days of the Republic Serials while working to create the notion of alien planets. It's little wonder the world lost its collective mind over it. I can still remember my stunned mind as I staggered out of the Northfields Odeon after watching this for the first time. I lined up with the back of the queue to see it again and watched it three times in its first week of release. Tiny mind. Blown.

All in all, this was great fun, a delight to see it again and roll on the next two Sundays and Empire followed by Jedi. 

9/10

#60: THE SUBSTANCE

STARRING: Demi Moore, Margaret Qualley and Dennis Quaid. Written, produced and directed by Coralie Fargeat. Budget $17.5 million. Running time 140 minutes.

On her 50th birthday, Elisabeth Sparkle the star of a TV fitness show is fired by the odious head of the TV studio, Harvey (Dennis Quaid) because she's too old, and ugly. Reeling from the shock, Elisabeth is hospitalised following a car accident and given a USB stick with an advert for something called The Substance, which offers her the chance for rebirth.

She takes the bait, and the drug is sent to her. Following an agonising delivery, through her spine, she gives birth to a younger, more beautiful version of herself, she transfers her essence into the new body and names herself Sue. The rules for The Substance are as simple to follow as those issued to the owners of a Mogwai. Elisabeth can only occupy the body of Sue for one week before returning to her own body for a subsequent week. It's that simple. Each week Sue must extract spinal fluid from the body of Elisabeth which she injects on a daily basis. Elisabeth/Sue is warned constantly that the two of them are one and not to forget it, or to take advantage of the week on week off rule.

Sue auditions as her own replacement for the fitness show and gets the gig becoming the next big thing and is loved and lauded by all. The trouble is, that one week just quite enough and Sue starts to push the limits leading to horrendous results.

This is a remarkable horror film, gory beyond belief, like a hardcore David Cronenberg film crossed with David Lynch with a healthy dose of Stanley Kubrick for good measure, think of it as a female-centric version of The Fly no less and you'd be in the same ballpark. The gore, for the most part achieved by practical effects are staggering, gross doesn't even begin to cover it, you'll see things you've never seen before, and the final act is an almost non-stop orgy of blood and gore which just keeps growing in outrageousness until a brilliant ending that perfectly bookends the film. 

Demi Moore is extraordinary, delivering a performance that is powerful and fantastically raw, similarly, Margaret Qualley gives it her all as the beautiful younger version of herself, rounding off the cast is Dennis Quaid who delivers a performance so OTT it fits in perfectly with the rest of this extraordinary movie, bringing a level of sleaziness worthy of Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein combined. 

All of the male characters in this film are terrible, from the creepy horny next-door neighbour to the casting directors, to the assorted heads of various companies. The film has a strange detached feel and the look of a 1970s Cronenberg movie, the actors perform as if in a Lynch film and the styling reminds you of Kubrick.
Mixing a fantastic dose of humour into the horror is a brilliant move, and although this in no way could be considered a comedy, it still has some extremely funny black-humour. This film is French director Coralie Fargeat's second film and (rightly) won her the Best Screenplay award at the 2024 Cannes Film Festival.

Ultimately this film is about the fear of getting older and the contempt that society has for anyone who dares to get old, especially women, an idea that underlines my own work with Psycho Gran and I found myself enchanted, delighted and enthralled by this fantastic film. I loved every single gore soaked second and marvelled at the bravery of both Moore and Qualley and their performances. 

An astonishing film that cannot be described and needs to be seen to be believed, just be warned it's the gorest film I've seen in absolute decades. 

10/10