#84: ANACONDA

STARRING: Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daiela Melchior and Selton Mello, Ice Cubes and Genital Lopez. Written by Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten, directed by Tom Gormican. Budget $45 million. Running time 99 minutes. 

Paul Rudd is second rate actor Ronald 'Griff' Griffen Jnr living the dream in Hollywood auditioning for pathetic bit parts in a series of TV shows. Meanwhile his childhood friend, Doug McCallister (Jack Black), who never left their home town toils away working as a wedding videographer rather than struggling in Hollywood, then there's Kenny Trent (Steve Zahn) and Claire Simons (Thandiwe Newton) who were also both childhood friends they also failed to live up to their childhood dreams of working in Hollywood. One year at Doug's surprise birthday party, Griff reveals that he has the rights to the film Anaconda and convinces the others to head to the Amazon and film a sequel 'guerilla style', so they raise nine thousand dollars and armed with a mobile phone and an attachment leave their lives behind and sod off to Brazil to make a film. And much hilarity ensues. Meanwhile there's a woman Ana Almeida (Daniela Melchior) who is investigating illegal gold mining in Brazil. The gang get to Brazil, hire a snake handler who has an anaconda and promptly kill it and so have to head off into the jungle to find a replacement. They do. It's massive and starts killing everybody not important to the plot. Then the gang discover that there's another film crew filming a remake of Anaconda with Ice Cube Tray and General Lopez and that Griff never had the rights. And once again much hilarity ensues. Then they discover that Ana isn't all she appears to be and much hilarity ensues. Then while the gang are running through the jungle for some reason or other Doug is eaten alive by the giant Anaconda and much hilarity ensues. Then Doug comes back to life, apparently being eaten alive by a giant anaconda isn't as fatal as some might have thought. Then the gang find the film set of the other film and it's been destroyed by the anaconda and Ice Cube saves them and then there's a big explosion and everything's okay. The gang head home, and no mention is ever made to the death and destruction of the film crew and set of the other Anaconda film, or the murder of an undercover cop, shot by Griff 'accidentally', or the gold smuggler. 

Back home the gang show their finished film to their friends and family and everybody is happy. 

Apart from me. I'm not happy. Indeed, I'm pretty goddam pissed off. I was lied to, I was lead to believe by early reviews and the trailer that this was a funny film, a very meta film and with a cast that included Paul Rudd and Jack Black, I was kinda hoping for something akin to the recent Naked Gun reboot. Well, dear reader, do not be taken in. This was shit. Poorly written, filled with contrivances to support the plot and characters so one dimensional, they couldn't turn sideways.

The humour is piss poor, one very lengthy sequence has Doug, who is believed to be dead, left as a decoy for the Anaconda and draped in the corpse of a dead boar, oh how no one laughed when Doug comes to life with a dead squirrel stuck in his mouth and has to run for his life while he's chased by an anaconda. Don't worry that's not a spoiler, it's in the trailer. Actually all the vaguely amusing stuff is in the trailer, so if you want to have a good time with this film, just watch the trailer, you can then avoid all the crap that's takes up the other 98% of this wretched piece of shit. 

Even Paul Rudd, a comedic actor of some skill can't rescue this lazy, pathetic crap fest. And spare a thought for poor Thandiwe Newton who surely deservers better than this? Jack Black though, he deserves this. He's been in two shit films this year, this and Mein Kraft, actually I think he's only been in two good films in his entire career School of Rock and Mars Attacks. 

It's not just the story, acting that's shit, the action isn't much cop either and the snake despite being really big is hardly in it. And when it is, it's just a big old CGI monster that can come and go whenever it likes and has almost magical abilities to propel the plot along whenever it's needed. 

At one point a character throws a bag of gold nuggets into the river and then leaves five other bags of gold nuggets, what the actual what? That gold would have made them all rich beyond the dreams of Midas. 

It's sad to end the year with this sort of shit, however I'm hoping my next and final film of this year, The House Maid will be good. In the meantime, this snake oil crap gets a 4/10