THE FILMS OF 2021: GODZILLA VERSUS KING KONG

GODZILLA VS KING KONG

So, what's good? Well, it'll come as no surprise it's the special effects and monster slug fests, which are FANTASTIC! Bloody loved it! They're just staggering, when G and K get to it, the film is spectacular.

However, the human bits, particularly the stuff with the Bernie the Blogger and Maggie the daughter of the scientist in the last movie are just ghastly and made little or no sense, things happen to propel the plot and don't dare stop to say, 'hang on a minute', cos it won't do you any good, no one is listening and frankly no one cares!

There are 10 human characters, some have names, but most don't, or if they did I don't remember, who cares, they're just filler or canon fodder waiting to be pulped. The bits with the little deaf girl, who communicates with Kong through sign language was lovely and reminded me of the relationship between the Cosmo Twins and Mothra in the original Godzilla films. All the bits with Rebecca Hall (I don't remember her character's name, did she have one?) and the one who played Tarzan in that awful Tarzan film were utterly pointless and added nothing to the story except to get poor old Kong from one location to the next and supply some meaningless exposition.

On future viewing I won't bother with most of these human segments, they added absolutely zero to the proceedings.

Now, I made the mistake of complaining about all the plot holes in Godzilla: King of the Monsters so I won't make the same mistake here. Although I should say that I hated that last movie, watched it twice at the cinema and once at home. It's unwatchable, believe me I've tried.

This one though reminded me of the 1960 Toho Godzilla films, it has the same sense of fun about it, it also has huge time jumps so you don't have to watch boring stuff. The characters were also very reminiscent of those classic Japanese movies, stupidly good looking scientists, hyper intelligent kids, moustache twisting villains. Likewise, except for two characters who return, the girl Maggie and her father there is no mention of other characters, no Charles Dance, no John Goodman, no Loki or Brie Larson. Who cares about them? This is a new film in the series, we don't need to mention them, just like the Toho movies – new movie, same old Godzilla and agency to defeat him, everyone else, new.

However, most importantly, most FANTASTICALLY important every, except one, fight takes place in brilliant daylight, none of that stupid rain and night-time crap here. And this is where it most reminded me of my beloved Toho movies, the fights in those are all done in wonderful, brilliant blue daylight. And the one which isn't is done in Neon, which is fab!

I gasped at the fights, I loved the first appearance of The Big G, and that first fight between G and K was glorious. And that end fight - OH - MY - GOD! I Just wish it could have gone on for longer.

There is also one extremely funny scene where the scientist from the last one gets on a plane to travel to Hong Kong, where Godzilla is heading. Later he arrives at the location in a taxi, Hong Kong is reeling from an attack, he steps out of the taxi, and walks backwards, mouth agape at the carnage, into a command tent and stops in front of a monitor showing the same devastation as an aide updates him on the situation. Best non monster moment in the movie.

My biggest regret, not getting to see this on the big screen where I'm sure i would have been rendered speechless and probably catatonic by the sheer scale and spectacle.

Now, don't get me wrong, this movie is sheer guff, unapologetic guff, it's stupid, mindless, and ridiculously and stupidly fun. It's so opposite the notion of high brow as to have burrowed through the centre of the Earth to the other side of the world. And then climbed a ladder.

Shame about the human half of this film, but the reason we're all here is for the monster half, which is pure and unadulterated, gleeful fun with a capital FUN! 10/10.

THE FILMS OF 2021: WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG WITH BRUCE WILLIS?

 What the hell went wrong with Bruce Willis?

This weekend, apart from watching: The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard, Darby's Rangers and The Spy Who Loved Me I also watched The Fifth Element - one of Bruce Willis's best movies - and also one of his recent straight to the bargain bucket bin movies - Cosmic Sin.

The Fifth Element, a film I've not watched for several years, was terrifically good fun, Bruce was utterly charismatic, sexy and a joy to behold, the film itself was a fantastic science fiction romp, with wonderful special effects, great production design and gloriously and surprisingly gory action, which was written and directed by Luc Besson. I just continue to love it.

But Cosmic Sin was the polar opposite, an utter abomination of a movie, ugly, lazy, cheesy, badly and boringly directed and hatefully derivative. Bruce Willis seems to have fallen out of love with Hollywood and movies, he seems to spend his days making these bargain bucket action movies, turning up to prop up the scenery as he delivers his lines in a bored monotone dirge. It is painfully clear he has no respect or passion for the project and you know for a fact that if he could literally phone it in from his bed he would. I could go on to eviscerate Cosmic Sin, but quite frankly that sort of scrutiny would take me too long and the film doesn't deserve that amount of my time.

The plot isn't worthy of noting, the film has nothing to redeem it, nothing to recommend and nothing of any merit. Oh wait, it has one. I only spent £5 to watch it. I wish I had waited until it turned up on Netflix.

But of all its failings, the biggest is Willis's performance, which is disgraceful, indeed it is deplorable. A friend of mine often says that no film maker goes out of their way to make a bad film, but I would argue that actors like Willis do. They have no respect for the writer, director, their fellow actors and the crew and even less for the audience. It seems to me that Willis has not only entered the Steven Seagal realm of movie, but he has dive-bombed it from the 30 metre diving board.

I can't think of another A List actor who has so truly squandered their careers in such a lazy manner.

As for the film itself, don't even pick it up to read the back cover, that would give it too much respect. This is a film that's not even so bad it's funny, it's just shit.

FILMS OF 2021: MONSTER HUNTER

MONSTER HUNTER

Written and directed by Paul W.S Anderson and starring Milla Jovovich, Tony Jaa and Ron Pearlman with a running time of 1hr and 44 minutes.

Based on a video game, this feels less like an actual film and more as if the movie has just taken all the cut scenes and stuck them together into one film.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the script was written on the back of a postage stamp. The story sees kick-ass marine Milla drop through a worm hole into a strange Dune like world that's infested with monsters. She quickly gets her whole crew killed by a sand monster, before she teams up with some random bloke (Tony Jaa) and starts killing a bunch of monsters before the final boss level fight and a hateful sequel baiting ending.

That's it. In between disgusting gore filled sequences (I can't believe this is only a 12a) Jovovich has some fights, I'm not entirely sure cos the cutting and shaky cam were so excessive you couldn't work out what the hell was going on. Each monster she hunts and kills is worst than the last. Tony Jaa speaks no English so our two hero's bond by hitting each other in the face as hard as possible and, not joking, kidnapping and torturing each other. Later Ron Pearlman later turns up speaking perfect English and punches Jovovich unconscious rather than just talking to her.

The film has no logic, no plot, and no reason to watch. I watched it so you don't have to. You're welcome.

All that said, it's not as bad as F&F9.

3/10 

FILMS OF 2021: FREE GUY, THE SUICIDE SQUAD, WONDER WOMAN 1984 & THE TOMORROW WAR

 FREE GUY

(SPOILER FREE)

Went to the cinema last night, it was a Cineworld secret screening, so no idea what I was going to watch. So, imagine my surprise when Free Guy came on. Directed by Shawn Levy and starring Ryan Reynolds and Jodie Comer. I thoroughly enjoyed this, it was funny, engaging and Reynolds is worth the free admission alone. Plus great to see Jodie Comer in a Hollywood blockbuster.

Imagine Tron crossed with The Truman show and They Live. The plot sees 'Guy' (Ryan Reynolds), an NPC bank teller in a video game set in Grand Theft Auto style world, falling in love with one of the 'Sun Glass Wearers' - real-life players in the game. The story flits between the game and the real world as one of the game players Milli (Jodie Comer) and her game designer friend struggle to find evidence that the game engine is actually theirs and thus stolen by the game company guru Atoine (Taika Waititi).

Engaging, funny, exciting, with a good story, excellent special effects and a satisfying plot.

After The Suicide Squad, this is my favourite film of the year so far.

8/10

The Suicide Squad

At long last the DCU gets it right. And all it took was bringing in the director of Guardians of the Galaxy, ignoring all the other crap films the DCU has puked up and just going for sheer, bloody entertainment.

And I bloody loved this. I was laughing from the off and all the way thorugh. It's profane, insanely violent and utterly stupid. Gunn writes and directs with ease, no violent shaky cam to muddle the action sequences, good CGI and great action beats. And with no saggy boring middle, this film just chuggs along delivering humour and an entertaining plot. The script is packed full of gags, funny dialogue all delivered by a great cast including Idris Elba, Margot Robbie, John Cena, Violet Davis, Peter Calpadi, David Dastmalchian and Michael Rooker. Plus Sylvester Stallone. Indeed everyone seems to be in on the fun.

The plot sees the Suicide Squad sent on a mission that quickly spirals into bat shit crazy daftness and a villain worthy of their attention.

After the dreadfulness of Wonder Woman 1984 and the diabolical shitfulness of the first Suicide Squad this was such a relief to watch and I can't remember the last time I laughed so much at a film.

However, this is an incredibly violent film, and it's a 15 for a reason.

I loved it. Hope you do too.

8/10

Wonder Woman 1984

Yeah, yeah I know I'm late to the party. But I've been waiting for it to come down in price and today in Morrison's it was on sale for £7 and I thought, '£7, that's cheaper than a cinema ticket, I'll give it a go.'

Well...

Two and a half hours later, cos that's how long modern films now take to tell a story, which if you're interested is half an hour longer than Superman 2, which also dealt with its hero giving up their powers for someone they loved, but in a far, far better way.

Why can't modern films tell a compelling story in under 2 and a half hours any more? My heart sank when I checked the timer and realised I still had an hour and 40 minutes to go.

There's just too much story, crammed into the 151 minutes of screen time this film took to finally drag its boring carcass across the finishing line. Every minute filled with angst-filled, Olympic-moping, and so, so much earnest guff, waffle, chit-chat, exposition, and tedious pointless dialogue that did nothing to propel the plot.

And with obligatory action beats shoe-horned into the talking every half hour or so, just to stop the audience from dozing off through boredom - from an early thwarted heist, to a ridiculous invisible jet, to a desert motorway chase and the incredibly damp final showdown, this film had literally none of the charm, excitement or vim of the original. And I literally had no idea what the hell Max Lord wanted or was up to for nearly all of the film's bloated running time up until the introduction of the third act's MacGuffin when his plan finally made some vague sense.

And featuring a final showdown and ending that felt more Doctor Who than DCU.

All that said, this did start well with a trip back to the land of Themyscira, but that quickly becomes a distant fond memory when we're dragged kicking and screaming into the wacky world of 1984, where the film quickly gets bogged down in Max Lord farcical plan. As villains go, Max Lord is useless offering WW nothing to get her teeth or lasso into, since all he does is talk.

Kirsten Wigg offered up a far more interesting character in the guise of Barbara Minerva, who is done a dis-service in the final act when she has to become The Cheetah just so WW has someone to fight, before one more very long-winded chat-down with Max Lord

BTW, Minerva is the most interesting character in the film and so it comes as a complete letdown of her character when at one critical point in the film, her role is suddenly reduced to nothing more than a simpering female sidekick when WW turns up to mansplain a major plot point to her.

And don't get me started on the staggering creepy explanation of the return of Steve Trevor, which if you think about it is very icky in the extreme.

But the most annoying plot contrivance in the entire film is the embarrassing and sudden introduction of the President of the United State's top secret MacGuffin - in the guise of a device that can access any broadcast device in the world - which is just awful. This is introduced to the story in the same way as a plot device in an 1980s kid's animated TV Show with the plans of the device literally mounted on display boards in the background of the Oval Office.

And how the hell does Gal Gadot manage to convey the sense that she's sick to death of the character of WW after just one movie? And why the hell does every superhero movie have to be about the world being devastated or destroyed, what's with all this goddam end of the world shit? Can't we just have a superhero film where just a city is threatened or something?

Normally at this point I'd whinge that I'll never get the 151 minutes of my life back, but this time I'm going to thank the heavens I only wasted £7 on this, rather than the £25 it would cost me to take my family to be disappointed by this in the cinema.

I really enjoyed the first WW film, well apart from the final battle with the God of War, but this film will be making its sweet way to CEX first thing in the morning when I can trade it in for 10p.

4/10

And the introduction of Linda Carter in the post credit extra was just offensive.

The Tomorrow War

What a lazy, half arsed mish-mash of a film. Stealing from Starship Troopers, Live, Die Repeat and The Thing to name but a few. This features some of the worst telegraphing I have seen in a long while. The film feels as if the entire third act was just bolted on due to bad early previews. Creature design is poor and the plot holes many. And I am so bored by the trope of killing monsters by endlessly shooting them to literal pieces.

This is not a terrible film, it's all the above but it still has its moments of fun, sadly it rushes interesting plot points and stretches credulity but hey, it's a film about an invading alien attack, so you know cut it some slack, Jack.

I went along with it, because I liked the set up in the beginning. And I liked the father/daughter dynamic and I also loved Sam Richardson, who sadly is reduced to one of the fore-mentioned telegraphing roles.

I'd give it a half-hearted 5/10.

FILMS OF 2021: SNAKE EYES

SNAKE EYES G.I. JOE ORIGINS

I went to see this today, not too sure why. Perhaps a break from the drawing.

I think it was a film, but I'm not too sure. Maybe it was cutscenes from a video game spliced together. To while away the running time I played guess the next line of dialogue and awarded myself a bonus by successfully predicting the very last line of the film. I scored about 80 points in total, that's five for every correct line and 10 for the last line.

The plot saw some kid witness the execution of his dad and embark on a revenge quest for justice, the kid earns the nickname Snake Eyes and spends the next 20 years getting the living shit kicked out of him in cage fights and gutting tuna fish, which earns him his second nickname of Fish Boy.

Fish Boy gets hired by a Yakuza boss and when he refuses an order to kill somebody called Tommy he ends up recruited by and ultimately working for Tommy who turns out to be the heir to a vast crime syndicate in Japan. Fish Boy gets flown to Japan and ends up training to be a ninja for the heir, but secretly he's working for the Yakuza boss. Apparently there's some crystal or something that the Yakuza boss wants, which Tommy's clan guards, oh and there's this terrorist group called Cobra who want it too.

Oh, but there's also this group called the G.I. Joes who want to stop everyone naughty from doing anything bad.

There's lots of shaky-cam, furious-cutting fighting with lots of swords and knives and a body count in the high hundreds, but without a single drop of blood, making the 'film' a 12A, cos kids need to see as much violent consequence-free killing as possible.

The cast is rather good, the film is mostly set in Japan so it looks good but the rest of this film is just bland, dull and utterly pointless and un-engaging, there are huge sections of this film which are just fight scenes, which because of the fore-mentioned shaky cam and fast editing are rendered unwatchable. Oh and all the fight scenes take place either at dusk, or darkest night.

I finally drifted off into blissful sleep for about 20 minutes, then woke up and just sort of let the rest of the film wash over me. By the end of it, Fish Boy gets given his G.I. Joe battle suit, and Tommy and him are now mortal enemies.

All that said, if you had a gun put to your head and you were ordered to chose a film to watch between Fast and Furious 9 and this, I'd go for this one.

I'd give this a resounding 4/10 cos I really like Henry Golding, he deserves far better than this. 

FILMS OF 2021: VENOM: LET THERE BE GARBAGE

Venom: Let There Be Garbage

A film utterly let down by a woeful third act, that was lazy, visually incomprehensible, badly edited and just plain boring, as if the writer and director suddenly remembered they had to have a big showdown cgi punch up and just wedged one in to it. "Hey," said the writer, "the first Batman movie had a cathedral in it, so let's put one in this!"

It's a showdown so dull that Andy "There but the grace of God go I." Serkis couldn't even be bothered to give us an establishing shot for the final showdown, or layout the geography of the fight between Venom and Garbage. By this stage in the movie, he probably thought what's the point?

However before this low mark we have quite a funny film, or at least bits that are funny, like when Eddie and Venom are bickering, particularly when Venom becomes a sort of therapist, and Tom Hardy's verbal fighting as both characters is a treat, it just really didn't need Carnage, although that said it does need Cletus (Woody Harrelson).

Carnage just never feels like anything other than a shoe-horned in character there just to give Venom something to fight. And once again it's that fight that's the weak point of the whole movie. The last three super hero films I've seen have all felt diminished by the need to have a big climatic fight at the end. At least this one wasn't Earth threatening.

There's also a major problem with Carnage. He, or it, he's never clear on his preferred pronoun choice, is so spectacularly over-powered compared to Venom that it renders the final showdown bland and boring. There is literally nothing it can't do.

And Questions as to where it and Venom get their vast supplies of extra mass from are never explained, nor are any rules as to their abilities established beyond the fact Venom needs to eat chocolate and chicken heads on a regular basis. Instead we just sit there and watch two cgi monsters blurringly fight in near darkness until one of the emerges the victor. And frankly there's never any doubt as to the outcome.

You come out feeling sorry for Tom Hardy, he gives it his all but his Eddie Brock is such an unlikeable character that it's hard to feel any sympathy for him at all and it's Venom who steals the show, but only when we don't see him.

As this is a sequel, it'll come as no surprise that true to the classic form of story telling, the boy loses the girl, or alien symbiote, and has to win him back to save the day.

I saw the original at the cinema and cannot remember a single thing about it, so unmemorable was it. I doubt I will remember this one either.

4/10 

FILMS OF 2021: DUNE PART ONE

 DUNE

So, that's Dune done. Saw it last night. A film I've been aching to see for a year.

I've listened to the audible book, rewatched the Lynch version in anticipation.

It's a long film, a deeply serious film, with a great cast, great acting, a well-written script, it adapts the book extremely well, the space ships and set designs and all that are glorious. I admired it's scope, its languid pace, the acting and all that, BUT...

Why the hell did it all have to be shot in sepia? Just a sea of orange and browns, everything looked so murky and gloomy.

Several years ago, there was a depressing trend for shaky cam and violent editing in action films, then we had that fad for never having a static camera, as if every movie was a fly on the wall documentary and now it seems we can't have a science fiction film unless it's gloomy, murky and bleached of colour.

You, or should I say 'one', can't help but compare it with the flawed 1984 Lynch version and realise how much he got right. His film, the part that works is, what we get here, Paul and his family arriving on Dune and ending up with the Fremen. The difference here is that rather than shoehorn all that into a single hour, Denis Villeneuve has 155 minutes to do the same.

Apart from that, the film is exactly what I wanted. But be warned you have to invest in it, my son feels you need to have read the book to fully understand it and judging by the number of walk outs, mostly from people with kids, and teenagers, he might have a point.

And even though Denis The Vill-nace has 155 minutes, it still feels as if he's rushed some of this, particularly in setting up Paul and the abilities his mother has given him.

This is another meaty, solid 'hard' science fiction film and I look forward to watching it again, although next time, probably at home, with the brightness and contrast turned up high.

8/10

FILMS OF 2021: THE FRENCH DESPATCH

The French Despatch

Wes Anderson's latest.

What a triumph, visually, stylistically and story wise. A visual feast, a delightful slice of whimsy and silliness, went as a family and we all adored it.

It looks superb, lovely vibrant colours, I never thought I'd ever seen another film that looked bright again. Mixing black and white with colour in a series of stories all highlighting stories written for a fictitious American magazine, the French Despatch of the title published in France, ranging from teenage rebellion, deranged artists and police chefs. The film takes the stories from the last issue published after the death of its editor, played by Bill Murray.

With a fantastic cast ranging from the usual Anderson stalwarts like Bill Murray, William Defoe, Owen Wilson and Jason Schwartzman and also featuring the likes of: Benicio del Toro, Adrien Brody, Tilda Swinton, Léa Seydoux, Frances McDormand, Timothée Chalamet, Lyna Khoudri, Jeffrey Wright, Mathieu Amalric and Stephen Park.

There are three main stories, the first concerns a suicidal homicidal artist, del Toro, his muse and prison guard Léa Seydoux and the efforts of art dealer, Adrien Brody to get him out of prison. The second sees reporter Frances McDormand become emotionally involved in a student uprising lead by chess protege Timothée Chalamet, and the third sees Jeffrey Wright discovering the joys of a detective eating club and helping to rescue a kidnapped boy. All bookended by the brilliant Bill Murray playing the editor of the magazine each of these stories appeared in.

As with every Anderson movie, the music plays an important part and the soundtrack for this was no exception. Indeed I would have to say that I loved everything about this film. It's funny, touching and insanely quirky. Everyone involves seems to be enjoying themselves and the richness and depth of the film was a delight. Anderson's meticulous attention to background detail and the framing of each and every shot enriches this film.

But be warned, this is a film unlike any other, no one else makes films like Anderson.

If I had one quibble, it would be that as Wes Anderson develops he becomes perhaps too obsessed with style and although I loved this film, it wasn't as brilliantly written as say Rushmore or The Royal Tennabaums.

Still, this was a delight from beginning to end.

9/10

FILMS OF 2021: FINCH

FINCH 

It's a post apocalyptic movie set in a world ravaged by a cataclysmic solar flare that has destroyed the ozone layer and burned the planet. The cast consists of 1. Tom Hanks. 2. A robot. 3. A dog.

Nothing dramatic really happens, there's no threat, no violence, no big danger. Just a man travelling across country in his RV teaching his robot how to live in the world once he's dead and how to look after his dog. At one point a car follows them, I won't spoil what happens...

And I bloody loved it. Heart warming, moving and gentle. Just what I need. it won't be for everyone, but I've reached a point in my life where I like gentle things, like this and Gone Fishing, or The Detectorists. I'm hoping tonight's cinema offering of Last Night in Soho will continue the trend.

Tom Hanks, as ever, brings such a warmth and sweetness to a role. The robot, brilliantly CGI-ed using motion-capture was played by Caleb Landry Jones and is the classic trope of a child-like artifical intelligence learning what it means to be human. Directed by Miguel Sapochnik.

8/10

THE FILMS OF 2021: THE ETERNALS

The Eternals.

This sees a bunch of super-heroes, originally created by Jack Kirby, battling a planet-endangering threat of such epic proportions as to beggar belief, and boy I thought Dr Gnu has problems.

It turns out that ten insanely powerful Eternals are an immortal bunch of guardians sent to Earth 7000 years ago to protect mankind from another group of intergalactic villainy called the Deviants. The Eternals hunt down and kill them with glee until all of them are dead. However in the present, the Deviants return and start targeting the Eternals for some reason which becomes apparent over the long running time of the movie until the 3rd act and a gigantic showdown that leaves you reeling with questions.

The Eternals from planet Olympia are lead by Salma Hayek are the product of a group of beings known as the Celestials who are as old as the universe.

Anyway, over the past 7K years, the Eternals, very much like ABBA have fallen in and out of love with each other, gotten married to each other, before turning their back on each other. Now it's time to get the band back together for one last reunion tour. And so Serei, played by Gemma Chan sets out to find them all to stop whatever it is that's going on. We get to see the whole back story of the Eternals time on Earth as well as what they've all be doing in the intervening seven thousand years.

This looks good, it's big, it's epic but it's also a case of WTF. I found I just did not care about any of it. The threat is too big, the superheroes are just so otherworldly that I couldn't care less about them. Each has a power, some range from plain stupid (shooting marble shaped balls of energy out of their finger tips) to hyper speed to, basically superman, oh and they're all immortal until the point when they have to die to propel the plot. The powers are ill-defined and vary depending on what's required. The repetitive fights see the Eternals battle the four-legged Deviants who get stronger each time they kill an Eternal and so you can play the game of guessing who's going to die next, or why, or you can just sit there and watch it all, unengaged and uninvolved, like I was. However, my son, really enjoyed it and dismissed my whinging as that of an old man.

Didn't hate it, it's far better than Venon, the final 'big boss' showdown was unique and it does have some good moments.

But I wish for those glory days when the villain's arch plan was to sink California and clean up on real estate.

7/10

P.S.

Cos this sort of thing matters. There are TWO closing credit stings, one after the first batch and the other right at the very, very end. One of them is going to make a lot of people very angry, I'm guessing.

FILMS OF 2021: RED NOTICE

RED NOTICE

Netflix's most expensive film, so far. Starring Deadpool, Wonder Woman and The Rock. Written and directed by the man who also brought us Skyscraper and Central Intelligence, both starring the Rock, oh and Dodgeball, which was good.

I am 35 minutes into and here are my initial thoughts.

Generic, bland, and so limp you keep wanting to check its pulse in case it's died. Even the title is generic.

The plot so far, The Rock is a FBI Profiler hunting Deadpool who's an international jewel thief and Wonder Woman who's another international jewel thief, who's framed them both. Together they're all after Cleopatra's three eggs, apparently given to her by Mark Anthony as a wedding gift. Anyway what follows is a generic globe-hop around the from Rome to Bali to a Russian black op prison as they search for the eggs which an international arms dealer and billionaire is willing to pay 300 million dollars for as a wedding gift for his daughter. And while it runs I'm writing this, that's how engaged I am by it.

Deadpool quips, The Rock pouts, and Wonder Woman raises an eyebrown, that the level of acting each actor is committing too. The chase and fight scenes are so bland you can hear them count between each punch, run or jump.

"Can you fly a helicopter?" Asks the Rock.

"Does the back of your head look like a huge penis?" quips back Deadpool.

At one point, Deadpool disarms a prison guard with a snowball.

Much stuff ensues.

As several people have pointed out, there is literally nothing in it worth getting het up about it. This film is perfectly adequate.

I could comment about the plot holes, the contrivances, the generic nature of the whole thing, the rote, by-the-numbers plot, the lack of suspense, drama, action or even adventure, but what's the bloody point? It's a generic family friendly action romp with no nudity, consequence-free-violence and no swearing, it's got just enough jokes for the adults (see above) and it doesn't outstay its welcome.

You come for the fact it's got The Rock, Wonder Woman and Dead Pool in it and you'll stay cos it doesn't rock the boat.

Blandness thy name is Red Notice.

It is Meh perfection. 5/10 

FILMS OF 2021 #2: DIE HARD, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE & SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME

Die Hard (1988)

Many people claim that this is a Christmas movie, and yet I say no it isn't. Just cos it's set at Christmas doesn't mean it's a Christmas movie.

It's the film that made Bruce Willis, introduced the world to Alan Rickman and cemented John McTiernan as one of the best action directors.

The plot sees a group of Euro-trash terrorists hi-jack an office Christmas Party on Christmas Eve as a cover for stealing 600 million dollars worth of bearer bonds, not realising that one of the guests is actually a NYPD cop called John McClane.

I've always loved this movie, and yet not seen it on the big screen in probably 20 odd years. Revisiting this, Elf and It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen again has been a delightful experience, films need to be seen on the big screen. I've watched Die Hard countless times on VHS, DVD and Blu-Ray but it's only watching it on the big screen that you can utterly lose yourself in the movie, you seen things you miss on a small screen. Willis cared back then and it shows, Rickman loses himself in his breakout role as the leader of the gang of ex-terrorists, Hans Gruber and the movie gave Robert Davi a brief golden period in his career, leading to the role of the villain, Franz Sanchez, in the Bond film Licence to Kill.

This is a glorious action film that has no need for shaky cam or frenzied editing to convey drama, it's got an endlessly quotable script and it's well plotted and has no flabby centre, the way it sets up the scenario and introduces the villains is a masterclass in plotting. That coupled with good practical effects, some nifty compositing and a 15 cert for bloody violence, plus bare breasts makes it one of my top ten favourite films!

10/10

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

A one word review - Wonderful!

Just wonderful. Beautifully written, great direction and a superb performance by James Stewart. I just love this film. It's one of my four favourite Christmas movies along with A Christmas Story, Scrooge (1951) and Bad Santa and Die Hard, which I'm seeing tomorrow (yes I know that's five).

Produced and directed by Frank Capra, it always amazes me to realise that on its release this film flopped, and only became a Christmas stapple when first shown on American TVs in the 50s.

Seeing this restored version of IAWL on the big screen means you get to see things you probably missed if you've only watched it on a TV, count how many rooms the drawing of George lassoing the moon turns up for example. Stewart is brilliant as George Bailey, the richest man in town. He portrays Bailey from the age of approximately 20 to late 40s and without the need for elaborate make up. He is the prototype Tom Hanks and it's on his performance that the whole film swings. That's to take nothing away from the supporting cast, lead by the Donna Reed, who all give this film its huge heart and character.

The story sees George Bailey, a man who sacrifices his own dreams and ambitions for the greater good of Bedford Falls, who when, through no fault of his own, faces financial ruin and imprisonment decides to kill himself. He is saved by a trainee angel who grants him his wish of never having been born and discovers just how much his life has touched the lives of so many others.

For a film that's nearly 75 years old to be this captivating, this engrossing and this magical is a pure triumph. As a callow art school youth I scoffed at this and Singing in the Rain, believing them to be old and fuddy-duddy, despite the fact I'd never actually watched them. And in both cases I stumbled across them whilst watching tv, I came in half-way through in both cases and was captivated by both and I love them to this day.

This film lifts my spirit and makes me feel deeply moved and I bloody love it without reserve.

The perfect Christmas movie and one of my actual Top Ten Movies of all times.

10/10

SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME

What fun! Simply the best Marvel movie since Endgame.

Despite a somewhat flabby centre this film was a delight, mixing hi-jinx, humour, adventure and action with aplomb. It's no surprise to reveal the return of Dr Oct and the other villains from the past, but that's all I'm giving away.

There were sequences that had the audience gasping in delight and surprise and this film managed to be deeply moving, in two scene in particular, one of which had me chocking back the tears.

Last month's Ghostbusters, followed the Star Wars sequel playbook, and was happy to just recycle everything from its back catalogue, down to repeating actual storybeats, dialogue and action in the most obscene fan-serving fashion.

However, Spider-Man: No Way Home, despite bringing back characters from the previous seven films and featuring a guest character appearance by Dr. Strange, managed to do it all without a sense of fan-servicing.

The story in a nutshell see Peter Parker outed as Spider-Man and forced to ask Dr. Strange to cast a spell that will make everyone forget he's the webslinger, Parker not Strange. I mean why would Parker ask Strange to make the world forget Strange was Spider-man, when he's Strange not Spider-Man, no that would be strange.

Anyway, thanks to Parker, Strange balls it up and the worlds of the past seven Spider-Man movies collide in the most unexpected way and the multiverse is unleashed.

It's great to see Alfred Molina, Willem Defoe, Hayden Church, Jamie Foxx and others back, and Dr. Oct in particular is given a very satisfying story arc, revealing that Molina has a good sense of humour.

It's long, but it's also fun and Tom Holland, Zendaya, Morisa Tomei, in particular are fantastic. Okay so perhaps some of the dialogue is a tad shonky at times, but there is a lot of exposition to get across, but so what! What gives this film heart is Spider-Man, and we're gleefully reminded of just how fantastic he is and was in some truly delightful and surprising ways.

You don't need to have seen the past movies to enjoy this. What a great way to start the end of the year!

8/10

ALL THE FILMS OF 2021 (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER) #1 F&F9, KING'S MAN, THE MATRIX: RESUSCITATIONS

Well, 2021 is almost over and I went to the cinema over 45 times and watched 37 movies. These are some of the films i sat through, some good some bad.

FAST AND FURIOUS 9

Last night I went to the cinema and watched the worst film of the year. It didn't cost me much, just three hours of my life that I will never get back.

The funny thing was I thought I'd already seen the worst film of the year the previous night when I stupidly went to see Monster Hunter. But by comparison that was Citizen Kane.

Indeed not only was last night's film, without doubt, the worst film of the year, it might also be one of the worst films of the decade and the worst thing to happen to the world since Covid.

I'm talking about FAST AND FURIOUS 9 (you're furious I'm bloody livid).

Before I start my rant I have to say that I really enjoyed F&F 5, 6 and 7.

This new outing was a film I TRULY, TRULY LOATHED. One that was so ugly, so empty, so vacuous, so utterly without merit, so mind- numbingly tedious that it went from bad to 'so-bad-it's-good', to - oh my god this is shit, to 'I want to die', to 'please someone kill me!' to finally "zzzzzzzzzz." when I at all dozed off during the climatic fight.

And god is it boring. Boring, boring, boring. Bo-ring.

It is one of the laziest films I have ever seen. The plot is risible, it is a film with no dialogue at all - just a series of one-liners and I don't mean jokes, I mean motivational poster sayings - "we are family." "shit just got real." that sort of thing.

The effects aren't that great, the stunts are rendered meaningless by CGI and the plot holes are so VAST you could skid an articulated lorry sideways through them. The lack of physics, which in the past was kind of fun, is in this outing an actual insult to the audience's intelligence.

Old, apparently much loved, characters return from the dead. New characters are introduced and given vast back stories, and the main plot Mcguffin is pure piss.

It occurred to me that the F&F franchise uses James Bond as its template, but instead of character, plot, drama, globe-trotting and adventure they just have cars. At least in a Bond film you get sex. In this franchise, sex would probably focus on Wim Weasel looking lovingly up the exhaust pipe of his Dodge Charger while rubbing his crotch and drooling a little.

Vin Disel playing the hard-boiled-egg-headed super hero lead, Dominic Toretto, is thankfully absent for large swaths of this film, which I think is a blessed relief. He barely mumbles a word through most of it. Luckily the film makers (I suppose someone must have made this, I know it took five people to write it) lets the audience know how its hard-boiled-egg-headed super hero lead is thinking and feeling by changing the colour of his vest, or having him put on or take off his leather jacket. Oh and pouting while squinting.

It's not all a huge bag of shit tied up with string and run over by a truck carrying rancid piss to a vomiting convention, there is Tyrese Gibson playing Roman who brings some real humour to the proceedings with his character's realisation that he's in a movie and therefore invincible.

Nothing in this film makes any sense. For example. The science, the plot (or lack of one), the action or everything else.

Some things that bugged me.

When did this bunch of car thieves become super spies? Why are they sent on missions into South American countries to rescue CIA operatives, were all the other CIA agents busy? Why is our band of plucky heroes' secret base such an open secret? Why didn't the villain, when he has our bland of heroes utterly surrounded by 50 armed men kill them? Who is looking after Dominic's son while he's racing off around the world? And what about the appalling collateral damage in this film? If you thought the tank slaughter of F&F 6 was a bit much, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Now, a bit of investigation shows that this film has made over $300 million worldwide, scored a 62% on Rotten Tomato and even garnished a four star review from The Guardian. So just ignore me. I clearly know jack shit about movies.

2/10 (thanks to Tyrese Gibson)

King's Man (2021)

Co-written and directed by Matthew Vaughn and starring: Ralph Fiennes, Gemma Arterton, Rhys Ifans, Matthew Goode, Tom Hollander, Harris Dickinson, Daniel Brühl, Djimon Hounsou and Charles Dance.

And only 131 minutes long! That's only two hours and 11 minutes, which is short for a modern film. Shame it felt longer.

A great cast, great looking, some great action sequences and a shocking end to the 2nd act, but sadly overwhelmingly flat. It just doesn't engage. Ralph Fiennes carries the film, almost single-handily and the trailer miss-leads you into thinking this film is about the setting up of Kingsmen. It's not that, it's actually the world's longest prologue.

The plot sees the entire first world war and its causes carefully woven together into a complex plot that sees the whole real-life saga, manipulated by one single person, an unseen, shaven-headed, thick-Glaswegian sounding Bloefeld wannabe. Together with his gang of five, real-life villains to help him including Mata Hari, and Rasputin, played by a scene-stealing Rhys Ifans who's hands-down the best thing in this film.

This isn't a terrible film, it's far more enjoyable than Matrix: Resuscitation, although not nearly as good as Spider-Man NWH, it's just doesn't entirely work. Perhaps it's too po-faced, too earnest, too serious. It's hands down better than the dreadful second Kingsmen movie, but it's in need of a major injection of some much-needed humour.

7/10

The Matrix: Resuscitations

Oh boy, thought Hollywood it's been 18 years since we last plundered the legend of The Matrix, I'm sure everyone's forgotten our last two efforts, let's try again!

And off they went, recruiting Lana Wachowski, but not her sister, and all of the original cast, except for Fishbourne and Weaving, who clearly got a sense of 'one trip too many to the well'.

Because Matrix: Resuscitations is the perfect movie for Christmas time, since it's a Grade A turkey!

It doesn't start out as such, it's actually rather intriguing and you find yourself swept up by a giddy, relentless and frenzied set up, with new characters, a new Morpheus and an older Carrie-Anne Moss and Keanu Reeves, all running around and fighting and referencing the original at every opportunity. And then the plot kicks in.

Which, as far as I could fathom, sees Keanu reprising his role of Thomas Anderson, who is creator of the smash hit video game trilogy called The Matrix. At some point in the past he suffered a nervous breakdown and tried to jump off the roof of a building to prove he could fly and as a result he's had to spend the rest of his life in therapy with Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, and his black cat. Harris is keeping our plucky hero doped up on blue pills. Meanwhile, there's this female character called Bunny, who has a rabbit tattoo, and someone else claiming to be Morpheus belting about in the Matrix and fighting Agents and trying to find Neo. Back in Earth, Anderson keeps bumping into a woman who looks like Trinity but who's called Tiffany, and Morpheus keeps trying to pull or push him through mirrors. It turns out that both Neo and Trinity are dead, but if that's true then who is Tiffany and Anderson? Look I don't know, I watch these films and usually I have a good handle on what's going on, but this one, sort of just became so mind-bogglingly complicated that I just sort of stopped trying to keep track and just switched my brain to neutral and smiled my way through the rest of it.

All the recent sequels/reboots/prequels movies have followed the model of fan-service movies, shoehorning in lots of your favourite bits from the previous movies. The Matrix: Resuscitations, comes up with some altogether radical and completely new, by actually reusing literal snippets from the previous films, so you don't have to try and remember what's being referenced.

As well as old clips reused, old characters return, all of whom have to give vast and lengthy speeches to propel the plot along and the film soon falls into the following formula – ACTION! EXPOSITION. ACTION! EXPOSITION. And every time one of these characters turn up, the action stops and chat is given. There is one incredibly lengthy action sequence that just goes on and on and on and has so much collateral damage that you start hoping the robots win.

Similarly, the villain of the film is also multi-layered and unfathomably complex and I'm not entirely sure who the villain actually was, nor who they were fighting for.

Look, fuck it. I saw it last night, it was a complicated, mindbogglingly, visual cacophony of mayhem that ultimately just became a protracted punch-up punctuated by copious gun play. It had Keanu in it. Moss was good, as before, and some of the action was fun.

However it's long, 2 and a half hours and it even has a post credit sequence that really isn't worth waiting for and it just felt staggeringly pointless and utterly unnecessary. The first Matrix was a modern classic, they should have stopped there. But at least it's not as bad as the last one.

5/10